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HNT: Working Out

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This picture is a follow up to my HNT picture from October 27.  As you can see, my workout was so strenuous that I decided to lose my shorts.  

Be sure to visit Osbasso and see who else HNTed this week.  Then stop by OHNT and see another shot of me in all my sepia glory.

-Jill

My Daughter the Cockblocker; or Why Jack Can’t Jack Off

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Not our actual baby. Photo courtesy of photographya.info

I’ve got a very high sex drive. No one knows this better than Jill, who has frequently benefitted from my near-constant desire, short or nonexistent refractory period and ability to climax several times in an hour. Of course, this has been both a blessing and a curse. When we first met we discovered our intense sexual compatibility, and would spend entire weekends having sex without stopping beyond short breaks for sleep and food. However, we lived apart for almost three years of our relationship, including one year of our marriage. This was understandably very difficult for both of us, and as you would expect, masturbation became a way of life. Techology such as Skype provided us some intimacy and sexual release, but it was far from an ideal situation. At the time, Jill worked relatively long hours (for an elementary school teacher, anyway), and was pretty socially active. I, on the other hand, was self-employed (still am), living in a new area where I knew almost no one. I was frequently off work by 2 pm, home alone, and horny. Masturbating daily kept me satisfied, focused and, I suppose, faithful – though the thought of cheating on my girlfriend and then my wife never really crossed my mind.

Several years have passed, and I’m now a stay-at-home Dad. I sometimes refer to myself as a play-at-home Dad, but this isn’t partcularly accurate these days. Our daughter is just shy of twenty months, very active and extremely vocal. Jill and I consider ourselves fortunate to have a child who is healthy, and usually ridiculously happy. I enjoy spending every day with her, and Jill and I consider ourselves fortunate that we can afford to have one of us stay home with her as opposed to putting her in daycare. However, as she gets older and more active, I find that I need time for myself. Not just for masturbation, either; I’d love to have some quiet time in which to read, write (both my own current NaNoWriMo efforts, as well as entries for this blog), watch a movie, catch up on my TV viewing, play video games, tidy up the house, eat a meal in peace, sleep, and various other fun or necessary activities. But at this stage in her life she is more needy than she has ever been before, though probably not excessively so for a child of her age. She hates being penned up, and if I can leave her in her playpen for twenty minutes while I take a shower and get dressed and not find her tunnelling her way out with a spoon, I consider myself fortunate. While we’ve still got blue skies and sunshine, I take her to one of several parks in the neighborhood a couple times a week, and play with her in the backyard on days when we don’t go to the park.

Sure, she naps, especially after an hour or more spent laughing, running and playing on a warm day. But while an afternoon nap once meant two or two and a half straight hours of blissful, head-clearing silence for me, recently her sleep schedule is much more precarious. Her natural curiosity and boundary-pushing coupled with an innate resistance to sleep that she’s had all of her life means that trying to get her to nap is physically and emotionally exhausing, much like I imagine a hostage situation would be. When she does finally nap it’s a hopeless surrender akin to Robert E. Lee at Appomattox. She seems to sleep best on the sofa as opposed to her bed, and I am just gracious enough – some might say gutless enough – to leave her there rather than move her and risk waking her. Even if I leave her lying peacefully on the couch, there’s no guarantee that she’ll stay sleeping for long. All I can do is hope that she will, while trying to occupy my mind elsewhere.

Unfortunately, after spending the entire morning with my daughter, all I want to do while she sleeps is decompress. Transitioning from guy-without-kids to stay-at-home Dad has been such a shock, and remains so well into the second year, that I need literally all the time I can get in order to divest myself of the trappings that come with raising a baby: Poopy diapers, electronic toys that spontaneously make annoying sounds, insipid storybooks and inane theme songs, and worst of all, Dora the Explorer. If Hell exists, there is a special place there for whichever vile fiend created this program. I love my child with such white-hot intensity that it would make the sun look like a black hole by comparison, but I’m just going to say it: She’s a huge turn-off to always have around. Anyone who’s webcammed with Jill and I in the last year or so will certainly attest to this. Nothing is less sexy than the adorable voice of a baby who is just becoming confident with her vocabulary. And while I’m proud if her, it sucks because, since resuming our blog this past summer I constantly have my hands full with various sexy interactions: Chatting, camming, emailing, blogging, HNT, sexy Tweets. On Twitter today, someone called me a stud. And while I am one, I can’t remember the last time someone called me that. I have much to arouse me, and yet I can do little about it.

Our daughter can be self-reliant, when she wants to be. However, when I need her to be – when juice has been spilled on the carpet and needs immediate cleanup, when I have an urgent business call that I need to make, when someone emails or texts me a photo that makes the blood drain from my brain at the speed of light – she is underfoot and very clingy. Sometimes I wish I could sit her down with books and toys for half an hour without worrying that she’ll come knocking at the bedroom door just as I’m about to get off. There are no earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones that will keep my child’s voice out of my head. I wish I could tell her to sit down on the couch, watch television, and no matter what disturbing sounds she hears coming from Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom, do not get up from her seat. Perhaps when she’s older.

I never thought I’d want a little extra time to masturbate. I never thought I’d need it. Prior to becoming a parent I’ve always managed to find the time to do it when I was in the mood. Sometimes I did it when I was bored, as I sometimes was, living alone. But my life is such that I’m never bored, and although I’m still very frequently in the mood and realize that a quick orgasm would help me focus and, hopefully, be a better Dad, most of the time I force myself to squelch the urge. I don’t think I ever squelched the urge to masturbate prior to having a baby, and there were many occasions when I probably should have. I really shouldn’t complain; Jill is as randy as ever, and though I can’t take care of my sexual needs as often as I’d like to, she never hesitates.

-Jack

TMI Tuesday: Conspicuous Luxury

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This week’s TMI Tuesday was the idea of http://virtualsin.wordpress.com/
Jack’s Answers
1. Do you have a set of dishes that are used for special occassions (e.g. china)? Yes or no. If yes, how often do you use the special dishes?
a. any day because every day is special
b. once a week
c. only for holidays and celebration
d. never, it is displayed in a china cabinet or collecting dust in a box in the attic
Special dishes? I’m sure we have a set of wedding china, but I haven’t seen it in years. We don’t have room in our current house for anything beyond everyday dishes, which we use for everyday dining as well as dinner parties and special occasions.
2. Do have clothes that you never wear because you are saving them for a special occasion? What is that item of clothing? What would be the appropriate occasion?
Not really. I don’t think my wardrobe is extensive enough for that. When I feel like wearing a pair of jeans, I wear a pair of jeans without thinking too hard about which one is best for the situation. Even my geeky T-shirts get worn on a regular basis; I don’t wait until Comic-Con to wear a T-shirt with some kind of pop culture image or message. The only thing that comes close to appropriate-occasion wear, in my mind, are a couple pairs of boxers that are so comfortable that I usually only wear them on Fridays or weekends; they are my reward, if you will, for making it through another hellacious week. Yes, I realize that this is ridiculous and Jill laughed quite unabashedly when I told her this. Whatever.
3. If you suddenly became very wealthy, which servants would you employ?
a. cleaning service
b. housekeeper
c. cook
d. valet/maid/lady-in-waiting
e. chauffeur
f. dog-walker
g. other
I would probably employ a live-in housekeeper or maid who would have his or her own separate residence. As I would insist on having a large piece of land, I would also employ a groundskeeping staff as neither Jill nor I particularly enjoy gardening. The idea of a cook is appealing, although we both enjoy cooking and would probably not require such an employee on a regular basis. I could see having an individual on call, for those evenings when we prefer not to cook. I’m sure that before long the convenience would be too great and we would just hire him or her full-time. Even if we chose to do most of our own cooking, hiring someone to do all of our grocery shopping would be essential; such an employee is something we frequently wish we had, as while we enjoy grocery shopping, we hate the crowds, and we frequently find the process of actually leaving the house to buy groceries – or stopping on the way home after a long work day – inconvenient. And how about a bartender and a sommelier? Perhaps these are not needed with the urgency of a housekeeper or landscaper, but they would certainly come in handy during dinner parties and such. I would probably want a personal trainer to offset all the damage I would be doing to my body thanks to having an on-call (or live-in) cook. I currently see no need for a valet or other personal assistant, although the idea of a lady-in-waiting is appealing. Obviously she would be less of an assistant to Jill and more of an *ahem* assistant to me.
4. If you were wealthy, how many homes would you own? Where? (locations–mountains, tropical places for the winter, foreign country/city)
I described my ideal house in last week’s Sunday Stealing. This would make a great primary residence. When I was younger, my family had a vacation home on a lake, which made a wonderful summer getaway, as well as a fun retreat for weekends and holidays. Thus I’d like to have a couple homes that would serve a similar purpose. One would be in Dublin, Ireland, ideally within walking distance of Temple Bar. Stateside, I would love to own homes in Key West, Florida (the city has a rich cultural and literary significance) and Boston, Massachusetts (one of my favorite U.S. cities that is not San Francisco). I think it would also be a good idea to have a luxurious apartment in San Francisco just in case a Friday night in the City turns into an entire weekend in the City.
5. If you were going to take on a really expensive hobby, which of these would it be?
a. buy an airplane
b. buy a yacht
c. buy a small winery
d. raise exotic animals
I would go with either (b) buy a yacht or (c) buy a small winery. In fact, depending on how wealthy I am, I might do both. I am not sufficiently interested in flying to buy a plane; I’ll leave that to the professionals as my newfound wealth would enable me to fly commercially (or in a private plane that I wouldn’t actually have to fly, I suppose). I don’t particularly wish to raise exotic animals as with my luck I’ll mix up their food or their medications or somehow screw up the climate in their habitats and the next thing you know they’re all dead, it’s a media circus, and I’ve got animal rights groups calling for my incarceration or death. On the other hand, yachting has always appealed to me as I love boats, and for that matter I love wine. I’d love to own a winery even if only for our own consumption purposes. I’d love to drink our wine on our yacht, preferably with a variety of open-minded and underdressed friends on a sunny summer afternoon.
6. What kind of car would you buy if you had an unlimited budget?
a. expensive sports car
b. luxury car
c. monster truck
d. expensive hybrid or electric car
e. cheap car (I’d be too nervous driving an expensive car).
f. something for the chauffeur to drive me around in
If I had an unlimited budget I would like to build a collection of extremely expensive classic cars. The first on my list would be a black 1989 Lamborghini Countach, which I’ve fancied for more than twenty years. However, most of the cars in this collection would be for show, and I would drive them only on occasion, i.e. to car shows. My family and I would require at least two more practical cars as well; I like the idea of owning an expensive hybrid or electric car, preferably something akin to an SUV, one able to carry a growing family and the amount of crap that we find we need to bring with us. (No, I will never drive a mini-van.) I don’t actually require anything fancy or extravagant; even the classic car collection is negotiable. I just require that whatever vehicle(s) I own be reliable. Then again, I expect that my estate will be such that, should we somehow find ourselves without working vehicles, there will be plenty to keep us occupied on the premises.
Bonus: Currently, what is your favorite luxury item or decadent thing that you do?
There really isn’t anything that comes to mind. I don’t allow myself much decadence these days; I’m a parent and really can’t – or more accurately don’t – spoil myself anymore. Well, that’s not entirely true. Top shelf whisky and other spirits, as well as delicious high-quality food are two things in which I regularly indulge.
Jill’s Answers
1. Do you have a set of dishes that are used for special occassions (e.g. china)? Yes or no. If yes, how often do you use the special dishes?
a. any day because every day is special
b. once a week
c. only for holidays and celebration
d. never, it is displayed in a china cabinet or collecting dust in a box in the attic
Our set of special occasion dishes is my grandmother’s wedding china. We inherited it after she passed away, and although we’ve only used it a couple times, we displayed it proudly in one of our china hutches in the last house we lived in. When we moved into our current, smaller house we had to get rid of the hutch. Now it’s boxed up, and has been for more than a year. I am honored to have it, and I hope to be able to display it, and possibly actually use it, when we have a little more room.
2. Do have clothes that you never wear because you are saving them for a special occasion? What is that item of clothing? What would be the appropriate occasion?
I don’t have any clothing that I’m saving to wear to some eventual special occasion. I’ve got many articles of clothing that I wear occasionally to events such as weddings.
3. If you suddenly became very wealthy, which servants would you employ?
a. cleaning service
b. housekeeper
c. cook
d. valet/maid/lady-in-waiting
e. chauffeur
f. dog-walker
g. other
I would definitely have a housekeeper to keep the house clean and do the laundry. I’d love to have a personal assistant for grocery shopping and other errand-running. I’d love to have a cook every once in awhile as well. Sometimes neither Jack nor I feel like cooking and it would be great not to have to eat out. I don’t like to garden, so I think I would hire a crew of hot landscapers. And since our house would have to have a pool, I would also need a hot pool boy as well. During the summer months I would lie on a chaise lounge, watching my sexy young employee skimming our pool without a shirt. And when he was finished with his work I’d untie my bathing suit and beckon him over to me. Sorry, what were we talking about?
4. If you were wealthy, how many homes would you own? Where? (locations–mountains, tropical places for the winter, foreign country/city)
We would own a house in our current city, though it would be much bigger than the house we live in now. I’d also like to have a house close to Jack’s parents, so that we could take our usual weekend trips to see them, but wouldn’t actually have to stay with them. Besides these two houses, I would love to own a home in Ireland, possibly in Dublin, Cork, or both. I think another house somewhere tropical, either Hawaii or the Caribbean, would be nice as well.
5. If you were going to take on a really expensive hobby, which of these would it be?
a. buy an airplane
b. buy a yacht
c. buy a small winery
d. raise exotic animals
I would go with (a), buy an airplane. I would love to be able to travel to our various houses without having to fly commercially. But I’d need a pilot because I am not interested in learning to fly. When I’m on a plane I would prefer to relax.
6. What kind of car would you buy if you had an unlimited budget?
a. expensive sports car
b. luxury car
c. monster truck
d. expensive hybrid or electric car
e. cheap car (I’d be too nervous driving an expensive car).
f. something for the chauffeur to drive me around in
I think that a hybrid would be the way to go. I hate having to put gas in my car, so whatever option gets us the best gas mileage and prevents me from having to constantly fill my tank is the one I would choose. Then again I’m sure I could send my personal assistant to get gas for me. I also think it would be fun to have a chauffeured limousine. Who wouldn’t want to be driven on their errands? And a 1965 Mustang convertible in fire engine red is my absolute dream car.
Bonus: Currently, what is your favorite luxury item or decadent thing that you do?
The only real luxury I afford myself these days is getting my hair done. It costs me about $160 to get my hair colored and cut. I don’t do it very often, but it’s such an exciting, even erotic, thing for me to have my hair manipulated by someone who knows how to do it properly.

I’m The ‘Scary’ Model In That Awful Ashley Madison Ad

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I noticed today that my Twitter feed contained multiple references to a “scary” woman in an ad for online dating service Ashley Madison. For those unfamiliar, Ashley Madison is the internet’s premiere dating website designed for people who are already married or in relationships. Unlike sites such as Adult FriendFinder, which are often visited by couples, the purpose of Ashley Madison is facilitating illicit affairs. Hey, whatever. I don’t judge people for the (legal) things they do to get off anymore than I do corporations for their right to make a buck off of people’s insecurity and discontentment. After seeing repeated mention of said scary model, I decided to click the link and see what was so frightening. Like most rational human beings, I expected to see someone who was, well, scary. A wide-eyed, batshit crazy shrew, for instance.

Terrifying. Damn you, Ashley Madison. Damn you to Hell.

Having not seen the ad in question, I was surprised and dismayed to learn that Ashley Madison defines “scary” much differently than I do. I’m not one to be blindly P.C. or to look out for the delicate sensibilities of any fringe group, especially one to which I don’t belong. But this is fucked up. I understand that society has an arbitrary and unrealistic standard of beauty and that most facets of society serve to maintain the status quo while at the same time benefitting from said maintenance. It’s a “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” situation, and while I don’t like it, I understand it. However, I refuse on principle to patronize a company that expresses its prejudices in so blatant a fashion. That’s why, in the unlikely event that I find myself so dissatisfied by my marriage and my sex life that I decide to have an affair, I’ll just bang one of my female friends rather than joining Ashley Madison.
What did the model herself have to say about the fact that her body type is apparently considered scary? I’ll let her tell you.
My name is Jacqueline and I am the model seen on the Ashley Madison ad that was recently published in the New York Metro newspaper.
I am the owner and model of the BBW website www.juicyjackie.com. It is tailored to the tastes of those that love big women, their curves, rolls and all the plush softness that comes with being fat.
Years ago, before my modeling career began in earnest, a photographer friend of mine arranged an informal photo session. I was under the impression at the time that people purchasing these photos from the photographer would be doing so for their own personal use. I had no idea that the photographer would endeavor to sell the photos to corporations and/or stock photo companies, who would then go on, repeatedly, to use them in rude and mocking ways.
I am mortified that my image and likeness would be used as advertisement for two things I am so vehemently against: namely cheating and, to an even greater extent, body shaming.
I find the very idea that there exists a business based solely around the facilitation of infidelity appalling. The fact that they are now suggesting that a person’s partner not fitting their ideal body size/shape, entitles that person to ‘shop around’ is disgusting.
There is an enormous problem in this world in regards to female body shaming, and not solely in regard to fat women, but all women. A size 2 woman who sees this ad sees the message: “If I don’t stay small, he will cheat”. A size 12 woman might see this ad and think “if I don’t lose 30lbs, he will cheat”. A size 32 woman could see this ad, and feel “I will never find love”. It’s horrific. Not all women are necessarily insecure, but it’s no secret that body insecurity is endemic, regardless of size. This kind of message is extremely damaging to self worth. Eating disorders may have lost their place in the media spotlight, but continue to effect people of all ages, especially teens. This sort of behavior can easily be triggered from the careless cruelty of advertisements like the one in question.
As has been widely reported, teens are committing suicide in shocking numbers all over the world as direct result of this sort of shaming ridicule. Be it directed at race, size, sexual orientation or anything, bullying is a vicious force in this world. Contributing to this widespread and creeping depression by suggesting, blatantly and without pretense, that fat people are patently undeserving of love and loyalty is repulsive. It is incumbent upon advertisers, and society at large, to act responsibly before foisting something like this onto the world.
It’s bad enough that a business exists that encourages and profits from cheaters, but, worse still, that they have the gall to blame a woman’s body on the act, rather than the man who is incapable of commitment and loyalty. It exists in the same school of thought in which a rapist blames a woman’s outfit for his crime.
I am a size 32. I am beautiful. I think women of all sizes are beautiful. Beauty is not and has never been one-size-fits-all. I do not appreciate my image being used, without notice or permission, to tell women I have never met otherwise.
Update: After Jacqueline’s message went live, Jezebel received this response from Ashley Madison founder and CEO Noel Biderman:
The best thing that could’ve happened to this woman is that we used her in our ad. Despite what she may want you to think, she is reaping the press for her own pornography website. She took these pictures and signed the release knowing that they were not just for ‘personal use.’ However, if she can get great publicity from this, all the power to her.
For the record, my problem is not in Jacqueline’s pictures being used in a way she didn’t anticipate. She signed a model release, and must now deal with the repercussions. Yes, it is unfortunate that she is not in control of her image, and that it’s being used in a manner of which she doesn’t approve. But she presumably sold her rights and no longer has any say in how it is used. This happens to lots of people, including tiny-waisted nineteen-year-olds who believe the sleazy porn producer who tells her that her gangbang video will only appear on cumdrunkfucksluts.com for one week and will then disappear from the internet forever. Fine print exists for a reason.
My problem is with the notion that, as Jaqueline says, anyone who doesn’t conform to said standard of beauty should be ashamed. We’ve discussed our feelings on this issue elsewhere on our blog. I am not saying that Ashley Madison is responsible for boosting the self-esteem of the general public, but they are partially to blame – along with countless others – for furthering a hopelessly unrealistic standard. Additionally, their ad seems like an irresponsible move from a business standpoint, as I’m sure that much of their membership is far from the so-called physical ideal.
-Jack
Edit: Added advertisement photo mistakenly omitted.

Sunday Stealing: The Madness Meme, Part 1

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Today we ripped off a blogger named Tense Teacher from the blog Tense for a Reason. It’s long so we’ll do it in two parts. She stole it from The Coffee Table. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!

Cheers to all of us thieves!

Jack’s Answers

1. Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work? No.  In fact, I’ve never actually heard of anyone doing this.  Is this really a dirty-or-scratched-CD remedy?  Generally speaking if I have a CD that doesn’t play – not that I’ve actually handled a CD in many years – I take a clean cloth and wipe from the center ring outward.


2. What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated? Probably three or four years.  As for people I’ve slept with, I’ve gone ten years older and probably seven years younger.  Nothing against the nineteen-year-old but we had almost nothing in common and very little to talk about.  Fortunately we were sleeping together and not dating.

3. Ever been in a car wreck? I’ve been in a couple accidents, but never a wreck per se.  I’ve always been able to drive the car from the scene.

4. Were you popular in high school? No.  Far from it.  I don’t want to make it sound like I wasn’t interested in being popular, because I was.  But I was so far from the collective pulse of my peers and what made them tick, even disinterested by it, that I had little hope of being truly popular.  It didn’t matter, as before long I found a niche that suited me, and settled into it.  Make no mistake, I had friends, and I got laid, but these things do not make one popular.

5. Have you ever been on a blind date? No, unless you count internet dating, and I don’t.

6. Are looks important? Yes.  This is not to say that physical attraction is the only thing that matters, or even the most important thing.  Jill and I are both attracted to a number of internal factors including confidence, intelligence, sense of humor and overall personality.

7. Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more? Yes, plenty.  I don’t make new friends very often, unless they are, say, Jill’s co-workers.  Most of the people I hang around with on a regular basis are people I’ve known for between fifteen and twenty-five years.

8. By what age would you like to be married? As a married man this question is tough to answer without saying something along the lines of, “I’m already married.”  So suffice it to say that I would like to be married for the rest of my life.

9. Does the number of people a person’s slept with affect your view of them? Not really.  If it does, it doesn’t affect my view negatively.  I don’t really care how many people someone’s slept with, in part because it’s usually not my business, but also because by judging someone for this aspect of their life I invite similar judgment of myself.  I don’t like the idea that one’s value as a human being is in any way connected to their sexual history, and even in the case of people I dated when I was single, the fact that it’s a sexual historymeans it’s not a threat to the present.  This past spring The Simpsons introduced a storyline involving Ned Flanders and Mrs. Krabappel starting a relationship.  Informed of her extensive dating history, Stupid Flanders breaks up with her only to later take her back and forgive her for her past.  Mrs. Krabappel takes offense to the notion that her past is something that requires forgiveness, and the future of their relationship was left to a poll on the show’s official website.  I took offense to the fact that fans voted to have them continue dating.  Fuck Flanders.  Holier-than-thou prick.
10. Have you ever made a mistake? Yes.

11. Are you a good tipper? I’m very good when the service warrants it.  When the service is so awful that it impacts my dining or other experience negatively, I under-tip, but only after making sure that the individual to whom the tip is directed is the one at fault; obviously I don’t under-tip when my food isn’t properly prepared.

12. What’s the most you have spent for a haircut? Twenty or twenty-five bucks, when desperate.  I do my best to spend at most fifteen dollars for a haircut, though this isn’t always possible.  I have found, however, that you get what you pay for.  One of the absolute worst haircuts I ever got was about $10.  I’ll gladly pay a few bucks more to get a better cut.

13. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Seeing as I married one, yes.

14. Have you ever peed in public? Yes.  I remember being stuck in traffic on the way back from Reno or Lake Tahoe when I was a kid, and my parents pulling over to the side of the highway so that I could write my name in the snow.

15. What song do you want played at your funeral? I don’t care.  I don’t care what sort of funeral I have, or if I have one.  I don’t care what’s served at the reception.  I don’t care what you do with my body, whether you bury it or cremate it or donate it to a halfway house for wayward necrophiliacs.  (Suggestion:  Go with whatever’s cheapest.)  Once I’m dead, none of that matters.  I’d much rather have my wishes respected when I’m alive than when I’m dead.

16. Would you tell your parents if you were gay? Yes.  Fortunately my parents are very loving people, even my father with whom I had a strained relationship at times when I was growing up.  I have no doubt that while they may not have understood why I was gay, they would have supported me even in the early 1990s when it was perhaps less politically expedient to do so than it is today.  While I would be nervous about telling them, I wouldn’t fear them kicking me out of the house, reacting with violence, or denouncing me as their son.  I consider myself very fortunate to have the parents that I do, and I wish that all parents were so open-minded and open-hearted.

17. What would your last meal be before getting executed? I’m not sure.  There are far too many foods I enjoy, and the idea of narrowing it down to one item seems nigh impossible, while ordering several seems counter-productive as I hate wasting food and there’s little chance that I’ll eat everything.  I might go with lobster, perhaps a lobster tail or a Maine lobster roll, as I love the taste of this particular bottom-feeder.  However, I think I’d be more likely to choose a food that has more resonance with me, perhaps a Mission-style burrito stuffed with carne asada, or a sausage and mushroom pizza.  Both are foods that I enjoy with much more regularity than lobster, though if I find myself awaiting execution somewhere in the American Midwest, I question whether or not I’d be able to find the right style of burrito or pizza.  If they try to substitute my requested items with, say, a Taco Bell Burrito Supreme or some of that Domino’s crap, I’ll take hostages.  Actually I question whether I would even order a last meal; American serial murderers Ted Bundy and Aileen Wuornos both declined a last meal and instead ate whatever was being served in the cafeterias of their respective correctional facilities.

18. Beatles or Stones? For overall contributions to rock ‘n’ roll, I’d go with the Beatles.  For producing music that I am more likely to listen to, I’d go with the Stones.  It’s a tough choice, honestly; both bands have extensive catalogs of bona fide hits, but the Stones might have a slight edge as in their heyday they epitomized the rock ‘n’ roll style, attitude and swagger.  Now if you’d asked me if I was an Elvis man or a Beatles man, I’d go with Elvis for sure.

19. If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be? This is quite a conundrum.  My first instinct is to say that I wouldn’t do it.  I wouldn’t want to choose someone, perhaps arbitrarily, to essentially kill.  Even if I wasn’t the one punching the individual’s ticket, I am still responsible for selecting him or her to die.  I’m not comfortable making that choice, so I would very much like to opt out.  If opting out is prohibited, i.e. if I absolutely had to select somebody or suffer a severe consequence, I would probably choose the person who gave me the ultimatum.

20. Beer, wine or hard liquor? It depends on the situation, as I enjoy all three.  When drinking casually at home or in a bar, chances are I’m drinking some variety of craft beer (not one of the corporate mega-brewers).  If I’m relaxing in the hot tub with Jill and friends, it’s probably going to be red wine.  If I’m enjoying a little quiet time or doing a bit of writing, it’s Irish whisky, neat. 

21. Do you have any phobias? Not as I understand the word.  As I understand it, a phobia is a persistent, sometimes irrational, anxiety about a particular situation.  I don’t think I suffer from these.  The fears that I have are, generally-speaking, normal things that I believe most people fear.

22. What are your plans for the future? I’ll start by posting this entry to our blog.

Jill’s Answers

1. Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work? Yes, I have.  I did it once in order to clean the surface, but it didn’t work and thereafter I used a damp tissue.


2. What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated? I once dated a guy who was ten years older.  The largest age difference between me and someone younger is five years, and I married him!

3. Ever been in a car wreck? Yes.  I was rear-ended.  (Feel free to make whatever jokes you like.)

4. Were you popular in high school? No, not really.  I had a large group of friends, but we were by no means the “popular kids.”

5. Have you ever been on a blind date? If meeting someone after chatting online counts, then yes.  I have never been set up by mutual friends.  However, I have set up friends on a blind date, and they’ve been happily married for seven years.

6. Are looks important? Looks are nice, and they definitely get my attention first.  But a good personality is much more attractive to me, and before long I will lose interest in looks if there’s no substance behind them.

7. Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more? Yes, I have many.  I’ve known one since kindergarten, so thirty-five years. 

8. By what age would you like to be married? When I was younger I used to say that I wanted to be married by age twenty-eight, but instead I was married at age thirty-five.

9. Does the number of people a person’s slept with affect your view of them? No, I don’t think so.  Other people’s sex lives are none of my business.  If it’s someone I’m planning on sleeping with, as long as they are disease-free, who they slept with in the past doesn’t affect me.

10. Have you ever made a mistake? Yes, I make lots of mistakes.

11. Are you a good tipper? Yes.  Jack would say that I am too good, as I sometimes tip beyond what the service merits.  I am very forgiving, and it takes the absolute worst service for me to not tip at all.

12. What’s the most you have spent for a haircut? I pay about $160 for a haircut and a color.  I used to do this every three to four months before our baby was born, but now I do it maybe every six to eight months.

13. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? In high school I had a crush on my history teacher.  He was young, and very cute.  It was an all-girls’ school, and he was one of the few male faculty members.

14. Have you ever peed in public? If peeing in the woods while camping counts as “public”, then yes.  But I generally try to hold it until I find a restroom.

15. What song do you want played at your funeral? Either “Top of the World” by the Carpenters, or some good Irish drinking song.  I hope everyone gets drunk and has a great time remembering me at my funeral.

16. Would you tell your parents if you were gay? Yes, I would tell my parents.  I feel like they would be accepting of anything that made me happy, and my sexual orientation wouldn’t be an issue.

17. What would your last meal be before getting executed? I’d like a medium-rare steak with a loaded baked potato, and a bowl of tomato bisque. 

18. Beatles or Stones? The Beatles.  I know and enjoy more of their music than I do the Rolling Stones’.

19. If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be? Someone evil, I guess.  I don’t know of anyone specific that I could name, but it would have to be someone so malignantly evil that causing their death would somehow improve the world.

20. Beer, wine or hard liquor? Wine, if I had to pick just one.  I’ll say red wine specifically, maybe a shiraz.

21. Do you have any phobias? Snakes.  I just don’t like them.  They creep me out.

22. What are your plans for the future? I would like to retire early, live in comfort, and travel with my family.

Flash Fiction Friday: Art Gallery

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                              (Image source unknown but was titled “Entertainment Center”)

The artist was a magnet for controversy.  His latest sculpture, “The Perfect Woman”, featured a female mannequin, naked and gagged, bound to a chair with nylon rope.  Her legs were spread wide, feet above her head, orifices open and available.  Balanced on the bottoms of her high heels was a flat-panel television playing the Super Bowl.  A six-pack of imported beer sat between her legs.  
The reporter bristled at the misogynistic display.  The artist’s reputation was well-deserved.  She tried to hide her disgust, but at the same time she couldn’t deny his talent.  The sculpting was flawless, the face so lifelike. “What materials did you use?” she asked.  
As she spoke, the mannequin stirred. (114)
-Jack
I first took a look at the prompt photo on Tuesday and was somewhat disturbed by it.  I’ve been around the block, as it were, but this isn’t exactly my thing.  I have nothing against BDSM, though neither Jill or I practice it; what squicks me about this picture is that it seems to be telling the viewer that this is what men want:  A sexually available woman who doesn’t speak or move, one who lives primarily to facilitate beer-drinking and football-watching.  And while perhaps some men do want exactly this, I prefer a woman who has opinions and voices them (and for that matter whose mouth is accessible), who is able to move her arms whether during sex or otherwise, and who can join me for a day of beer-drinking and football-watching.  
Perhaps I’m reading too much into this; while it isn’t my thing, I wasn’t offended by the picture.  I have absolutely no problem with consensual degradation, which is I’m sure what the picture depicts.  But the image was so unappealing to me that I put this week’s Flash Fiction Friday out of my mind and didn’t return to the prompt until Thursday night, as though hoping that by then it might be replaced by a more workable image.  
I spent about ten minutes trying to develop an idea in my mind, taking into account the word limit and the mandatory phrase “so lifelike”.  Once I came up with the idea – that of an art reporter examining the latest work by an eccentric sculptor with a penchant for misogyny – writing the actual story was fairly simple.  The word limit didn’t prove problematic, and when my first draft appeared to be quickly approaching the limit a couple small trims reined in the story.  Had I about thirty additional words I would have shown the interaction between the artist and the female reporter in greater depth, perhaps demonstrating his insecurity, or possibly showing that his supposed misogyny is a put-on.
I am pleased with what I came up with for this week’s Flash Fiction Friday. I suspect that my story, cooked up at the last minute in about an hour, is far from original.  I’m also guessing that the twist – the reveal that the sculpture is a living, breathing woman – will be predicted by more than a few readers. In fact, I am curious to see how many of my fellow bloggers wrote something similar.  
If you’d like to take part in the fun, or see who else participated this week, check out Erotic Flash Fiction Friday.

Wisconsin Bill Makes Watching Porn Reason to Revoke Teacher’s License

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Wisconsin’s state Assembly has passed a bill that would make watching pornography at work reason to revoke an educator’s license.
The bill passed through the state Senate last month, and fortifies a current policy that has permitted teachers watching pornography on school district computers to relocate and teach at another school district without having the reason publicized, The Sheboygan Press reports.
Currently, a law exists that permits license revocation for incompetency or immoral conduct, defined as behavior that endangers the health, safety, welfare or education of a student. The new provision would add to “immoral conduct” the intentional use of school equipment to “download, view or distribute pornographic material in violation of the educational agency’s policy.”
The bill also calls for publicly posting the names of educators who are investigated for violating the policy on the school’s website.
“Parents have every reason to expect their child’s school building will be free from pornography, and school leaders have a responsibility to keep our schools safe,” Republican state Rep. Steve Kestell said in a statement after the Senate passed the bill last month. “This legislation will make it easier for local school leaders to provide a safe environment.”
Kestell and Republican state Sen. Luther Olsen co-authored the bill, which now heads to Gov. Scott Walker for consideration.
The legislation was drafted in response to several cases in which school districts were unaware of an educator’s past misconduct in another district or were faced with lawsuits by educators who were dismissed for watching pornography in school.
In May, the Wisconsin State Journal reported that the Middleton-Cross Plains School Board had spent around $300,000 over the course of a year while battling a complaint by former science teacher Andrew Harris, who was fired for viewing pornography at school. Seven other high school staff members and one administrator were also investigated and disciplined for similar misconducts.
Kestell and Olsen’s bill doesn’t come without costs. The submitted fiscal estimates show that the new provision would increase costs that would not likely be absorbed within current budgets.
While the legislators note that it’s unclear whether the added clause would lead to more reporting by school administrators, the launch of an investigation by the state superintendent would cost the education department $350 for docketing a hearing into a complaint and $135 per hour for pre-hearing conferences, hearings, research, writing and travel costs.
The state would also likely have to hire experts to determine and define at those hearings what is considered pornographic material.
Although Jill has never viewed porn at work, this story resonated with us. Technically speaking she can’t view porn on her work computer, as the built-in anti-porn filters are such that even attempts to view a diagram of the female reproductive system on Wikipedia would be blocked. (Hell, she tried to look up information on the show Friends and even that was blocked.) Of course she teaches kindergarten, so there’s no need to look at such diagrams in her class; leave that frustration for the – what? Fifth grade teachers? Sixth grade? When do they teach sex ed these days? Or do they? Between the Chicken Little fears of the conservative general public and school budgets that are thinner than Olive Oyl on a grapefruit diet, I’m guessing that sex ed as public school curriculum is all but extinct. Jill looks at porn on her phone pretty much everywhere she goes when a little sexual release is needed, but she’d never view porn at work.
I don’t feel that pornography should be viewed by teachers while at work. But neither do I feel that porn-watching is a suitable lunchbreak activity for employees in most fields, particularly those whose computers are company-issued. It is the right of the employer to install software to block any websites they choose, from social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter to Monster.com. Blocking porn makes good sense, as it’s one thing to work on your Fantasy Football team during a few minutes of downtime and it’s another to feel justified in rubbing one out in your cubicle because you’re on a break.
Which is not to say that everyone who views porn online has to masturbate to it right then and there. I’m sure some potential workplace masturbators are very conscious of their co-workers and would gladly listen with headphones or even mute the volume so as not to offend or traumatize their colleagues on the other side of the cubicle wall. But rules are rules, and despite the fact that I don’t feel that a teacher who watches porn on school property, possibly using a work computer with antivirus software and other measures to protect the machine against malware or other outside intrusion, is in any way harming the children under his or her supervision, I can’t entirely fault the State of Wisconsin for doing what they feel they must to shield themselves from the slings and arrows of political correctness.
Generally speaking I find that teachers, usually intelligent and mature people, aren’t given enough leeway to make their own decisions. Years ago when Jill wanted to take a personal day she was allowed to do exactly that, without giving any reason or requiring any oversight. She could have spent her day running errands, watching her goddaughter’s performance in a school play, going to the movies or, yes, having sex (sometimes with me). Today she is allowed seven sick days a year. Sick days must be approved by her principal, and occasionally the district as well. If they are not, she doesn’t get to take them. Hey, she’s a kindergarten teacher, not a kindergarten student. She – and hundreds of thousands of teachers the world over – deserve more respect than this. Which brings me to my next point.
The passage that I found most alarming, and which places me firmly in opposition to the bill – as though I have any say, living in California – is the following:
The bill also calls for publicly posting the names of educators who are investigated for violating the policy on the school’s website.
I have a major problem with this part of the bill, as I do with the witch hunt that I would expect to ensue after releasing the names of individuals suspected or accused but not convicted of an activity that, while harmless, is something that I’m sure much of our sex-negative society would consider a sex crime akin to indecent exposure or even child molestation. I think it is morally and ethically wrong to publicize the names of suspect in such investigations if there is the slightest chance that the individual is not guilty.
When I was a kid, I had teachers who I absolutely hated. I’m talking about teachers who were inconsistent, unfair, or so jaded by their careers or personal lives that they just didn’t give a shit. Had the internet existed in, say, 1988, I – or more likely one of my peers – might have looked at porn on their work computers for the sole purpose of screwing said teachers over. And while the teachers in question would likely be exonerated, I’m guessing that this would be little consolation to their families after a lynch mob took the law into their own hands or, speaking less dramatically, saw their entire careers and personal lives ruined. Few people falsely accused of crimes see their names cleared with the same publicity with which it was besmirched.
Even without the above-cited passage, I find this bill difficult to swallow. As the article states, the financial burden of this bill would be substantial. As I said above, I’m all for treating teachers like adults, but if this is such a concern for the State of Wisconsin, why not install some free filtering software on all school-issued computers and use whatever money is left over to fund art, music, or other programs that today’s children have never been able to study as part of their public school curriculum?
-Jack

TMI Tuesday: It’s All About Me

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It’s TMI Tuesday again. You know that dreaded interview question “Tell me about you/yourself?” Who the hell knows how to answer that! These questions are a lot more fun (and easier) way to Tell Us More About YOU 🙂

P.S. Based on your answers we will make snap judgements and form stereotypical opinions about you 🙂
Jack’s Answers
1. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”…What is it that you will show me?
Though I tend to enjoy most of my media in digital format these days, I prefer to read books the old fashioned way. I’ve got an impressive collection of books on film, including screenplays, memoirs, rare books on film production, criticism, study and analysis, and the like.
2. What was the last thing you regret buying?
Though I do tend to buy quite a bit of stuff, I don’t experience much buyer’s remorse. Usually if I’m in the market for something big or expensive I do my research and hopefully I manage to make an informed choice. Thus I found this question difficult to answer. The only thing that comes to mind was a rare book I picked up at a used book sale, and which I discovered I already owned once I got home. Of course, it only cost me a quarter, and considering that I could probably sell the book on eBay or Amazon Marketplace for ten to twenty dollars, I guess I don’t really regret it.

3. How happy are you? 1 = not happy at all to 5 = very happy
I’m going to say 4.5. I know Jill will say 5 and my lower rating is in no way a judgment of her or our life together. I am happy in every imaginable way. But I could always be happier.
4. Last night, what did you go to bed thinking about?
Sex. Unfortunately Jill was already asleep so we didn’t have any. Then again, we had sex at four different times between Friday evening and Sunday afternoon, so I have no right to complain.
5. Tell us something that made you happy this past week or made you think “that’s cool!”
My daughter told me that she loved me for the first time.
Bonus: What is your favorite mark of punctuation? Why?
I am particularly fond of the semicolon, as it is a sadly misunderstood and improperly-utilized punctuation mark. I am also a fan of the Oxford comma, of which it seems that the average American English speaker is unware. (You read that right: I am a fan of a punctuation mark.) Here’s why the Oxford comma is so important:

(Apologies for the truncated image. I’m not very good at formatting these things, but I think you get the point.)
Jill’s Answers
1. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”…What is it that you will show me?
I will show you my pussy if you show me your cock. I will also flash pussy for pussy, or boobs for boobs. I thought about also giving a non-sexual answer, but I can’t think of one that defines me as much as the answer I actually gave.
2. What was the last thing you regret buying?
Pretzel M&Ms. Awhile back, we bought a bag on a whim, just to try them. Jack warned me that they wouldn’t be any good, but I saw that they were fewer calories than peanut M&Ms. Jack was right, we didn’t eat them, and we ended up – what did we do with them? I think we just threw them at people.
3. How happy are you? 1 = not happy at all to 5 = very happy
I’m a 5. Except for when I’m not.
4. Last night, what did you go to bed thinking about?
I was thinking about good sex, and hoping to have some. Unfortunately I fell asleep while putting the baby to sleep, and that was a wrap on my night. Hence my solo playtime in the shower this morning.
5. Tell us something that made you happy this past week or made you think “that’s cool!”
Something one of the students in my class said made me laugh. I would explain what he said in detail, but literally every single person we know has heard the story by now, and I’m afraid it would be too revealing.
Bonus: What is your favorite mark of punctuation? Why?
I love exclamation points! You can put an exclamation point after anything you write, and suddenly you’re shouting!
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Multiple Personalities: Two Tweeting Twits

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After swearing for years that we would never Tweet, Jill and I started a Twitter account while this blog was on hiatus. The way we saw it, we needed some sort of outlet with which to talk about sex. It’s one of our favorite topics. We weren’t blogging and we really had no intention of resuming. Talking about sex-related topics on Facebook was out of the question, as way too many of our family, friends and co-workers would be privy to whatever pervy thoughts we share there. While in theory this doesn’t really bother us, we’re guessing that most, if not all, of these people have no interest in what position resulted in Jill having an explosive G-spot orgasm (piledriver), what female foreign head-of-state I fantasized about while masturbating (Golda Meir), whose house we had sex in when we came by to feed their pets while they were on vacation (Jim and Tammy’s), and which sex toy we’re thinking of ordering (the We-Vibe 2). While we do have a pretty close cadre of personal friends with whom sex chat is not only tolerated but appreciated, we’re not as close to some as we once were (though to others, we’re much closer). Therefore starting a joint Twitter account made sense; it was a relatively effortless means of anonymously conveying info about our sex life – and for that matter, our sex lives, because while we don’t have an open relationship, there are sexual aspects of our lives that are separate – requiring much less of a time commitment than our blog did. We found ourselves dropping the occasional Tweet in the beginning when we had something interesting to share, but it took awhile to connect with other users. Now, though, I’d say we’re doing pretty well with it, and we Tweet on a fairly regular basis.

Because we have both been Tweeting from the same account – though I much more than Jill – we realized that it might be confusing for our followers to try and figure out which of us wrote any given Tweet. Like our blog entries, some of the things we Tweet could have been written by both of us together (“Dinner and drinks followed by naked hot tub time!”*), while with other Tweets it’s obvious which of us wrote them (“I love it when Jack fucks me from behind.”*). However, sometimes the identity of the writer is unclear, and a parenthetical indication of the writer could be included to clarify (“I just came three times in rapid succession. [Jack]”*). Other times, a parenthetical is desperately needed so as to make damn sure our followers know which of us wrote a certain Tweet – though hopefully people understand that the only one of us who might Tweet “I love sucking cock!”* is Jill. However, given the 140-character limitation imposed by Twitter, it can be difficult to compose a coherent sentence, much less add technically superfluous details. (As a writer and a one-time English major who hates seeing our language manhandled on a daily basis, everytime I am forced to condense an admittedly long-winded but grammatically-correct and perfectly-spelled thought into a series of truncated words for the purpose of Tweeting, I feel like a wide-eyed newborn puppy is run over and killed. But I digress.

Last weekend we decided to start a separate Twitter account for Jill. While having separate accounts will enable us to more efficiently express ourselves sexually without confusing anyone, we’re really just looking forward to sending each other filthy Tweets via our phone while sitting right next to each other on the couch. We could text each other, or God forbid actually speak our thoughts aloud, but then we’re the only ones who’ll get turned on by them, and obviously a little interaction with our followers as a result of some online dirty talk can only lead to good things as far as we’re concerned. If you follow @jackandjillcpl on Twitter, or even if you just enjoy reading what we’ve posted here, check out @jillandjackcpl too. There’s not much there yet, but that’ll change, and it might be fun to read our possibly-different perceptions of the same event, a sort of Twitter version of Rashomon.

We’ve added a second Twitter widget to the right-hand side of our blog that will display Jill’s recent Tweets below mine. (Sometimes I like being on top.) But if you want to get the whole story, give her a follow. You’ll be glad you did. So remember: Jack is @jackandjillcpl, while Jill is @jillandjackcpl. If you forget, the first four letters of each Twitter handle explicitly state which of us is primarily associated with the account and any associated Tweets.

*Not an actual Tweet of ours.

-Jack

Sunday Stealing: The Questions Galore Meme, Part 1

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Today we ripped off a blogger named Jenni from the blog Juniper’s Jungle. It’s long, so we will do it in parts. She states that she found this meme [at] Budgies blog. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
Jack’s Answers
1. Is there someone in your life you know you’d be better off without? Not anymore. I recently wrote off a few extended family members for whom I no longer have any use. This is not to say that someone must actively prove their worth for me to associate with them; I’m actually pretty easygoing and don’t expect shameless flattery, garish displays of wealth or miracles from either friends or family. The only requirements are that you not attempt to harm us in any way, that you refrain from violating our trust, and that you act in a manner befitting a civilized human being of your age. As these individuals range from merely immature and insufferable to devious and malicious, I no longer have use nor room for them in my life. I’m a big proponent of discarding the useless and unwanted in order to make room for the valued, especially when it comes to negative influences; when my friends complain to me about people in their lives who continually make them miserable, I tell them that there’s no reason to keep a friend or even a blood relation in their lives if they take without bringing anything good to the table. With these particular family members I realized that I had to take my own advice. I am much happier.
2. Do you get criticized because of your body? Not really, or at least not anymore. When I was a kid I got teased quite a bit by my peers because of my height; in elementary school I was always one of the shortest kids in my class. This meant being one of the last kids picked for sports, but it also meant compensating for this perceived failing by always trying hard, possibly harder than I would have otherwise. I stopped getting teased around the same time that the teasing stopped bothering me. Fortunately, the drive to work hard and succeed never left me. These days, I’m still probably below-average when it comes to height, but I’m not self-conscious about it; nobody gives me any shit about it and I can’t imagine it would wreck my confidence if they did. The only person who criticizes me about my body is myself, as I could stand to lose a few pounds but I like food and drink way too much. Fortunately, my own criticism drives me to work out, run when I can, and even eat healthy once in a very great while.
3. Did you kiss the last person you called? The last person I called was a client, and since I’m not a male escort (sorry, ladies!) I don’t make a habit of kissing the people I work for. I have a couple attractive female clients I wouldn’t mind kissing, but I’m guessing that their husbands might not take kindly, and such an indiscretion could have a negative effect on my income.
4. When was the last time you danced?Recently, while encouraging my young daughter to do the same.
5. Do you keep in mind other people’s feelings? I was raised to be considerate and I do my best to never willingly tread on someone’s feelings. However, it’s difficult to successfully walk the line between being considerate of another person’s feelings and letting someone mistreat you because they know you’re a decent person. So I try to be mindful of myself first, and other people next. Which is, of course, what any well-adjusted person ought to do.
6. If you have a hang nail, do you pull it or clip it? Pull it.
7. Who do you want to forget? Five or six months ago I would have said Donald Trump, but he’s kept a low profile since bowing out of the 2012 presidential race and I have almost completely forgotten about him and his shitty hairdo. This week, in light of her completely expected exit from the race, I’ll say Sarah Palin. I hope that the general apathy with which her announcement was met is an indication that even her own followers are as sick of her as the rest of us most certainly are. In the next month or two I’d like to be able to completely forget about Michele Bachmann, as well as Marcus and his passive-aggressive self-hatred and bigotry. After that, hopefully Rick Santorum will follow; no one expects him to be anything beyond a punchline anyway. And although I’m no fan of Mitt Romney or Rick Perry, the thought of either of these two becoming president merely upsets me. It doesn’t make me weep for all mankind.
8. Who was the last person to send you a letter? A letter? As in a piece of personal correspondence (i.e. not a utility or credit card bill) which is physical in nature (i.e. not an e-mail) but is not a greeting card? Something that begins with “Dear [name]”, includes a few lines of text and closes with “Sincerely, [name]”, “Love, [name]”, “Fondly, [name]” or some similar sentiment? I have literally no idea. I would guess that it has been a decade or more since I received an actual letter in the mail. The identity of the sender is certainly lost to time. My Mom? I’m gonna say my Mom, because why not. Edit: Jill points out that, when we first started dating, she used to send me letters all the time. I still have them, so I should have known better.
9. Who did you last tell to shut up? I’m guessing some political pundit on television. I really don’t know if this is the case, but it seems likely.
10. What’s the last thing that you smelt that smelt bad? Gasoline. Not a big fan of that particular odor.
11. What’s your favorite cereal? Lucky Charms. Hell, I’ll even eat the generic equivalent. I don’t care if there’s no leprechaun on the box and no toy surprise inside. Oats and colorful little marshmallow pieces? Suddenly I’m ten years old again. If I can eat it while watching Saturday morning cartoons – and thanks to Cartoon Network I can watch the cartoons of my youth whether I’m eating Lucky Charms for breakfast or as a just-before-bed snack – life is truly perfect.
12. How do you feel when people lead you on, but they don’t even like you? People don’t like me?
13. Could you live without sunlight? No, I’m not a vampire. However, the non-stop overcast skies that I’m used to in the late fall and winter may be, because they suck. I can’t imagine living without blue skies and sunshine. I can do it, and I have put up with it for months at a time, but it gets to me. Long periods of overcast skies without sunlight, with or without rain, tend to put me in a funk. I can deal with a couple days at a time, but once we hit the five-day mark, I’m aching to see the sun. If we reach two straight weeks, I’m seriously bummed. If I experience more than a month with no sunlight because the cloud cover is way too heavy, I’m pretty close to despondent. By this point, a sun lamp, hula music and tropical drinks are the only things keeping me from bouncing off the walls.
14. What’s something you know is bad, but you want to do it anyway? Invent some sort of invisibility serum (which may cause permanent insanity), ingest it, and use it to enter the women’s locker room at the gym.
15. What was the last thing you lied about? See question #8. I’m about as certain as I can be that the last letter I received wasn’t from my Mom. Edit: Now that I know Jill probably sent me my last letter, I’ll just go ahead and say I’ve never lied. THERE! That’s a lie. Question successfully answered.
16. Do you regret anything you’ve done in the past week? No. I try not to have many regrets, as there’s no point, really; everybody does things they might regret: They let opportunities pass them by. They say something and later wish they had said something different. They drink to excess. They don’t realize until they’ve dropped their date off that they’ve got spinach between their front teeth. They make mistakes. They are human. As I said, I try not to dwell on the past or obsess over things that I might have done differently. I acknowledge these incidents and do my best to move on. Most of the things I do aren’t the sort of things that leave me wracked with guilt and self-doubt. If I, say, cheated a senior citizen out of a few thousand dollars – something certainly worth feeling guilty over – I doubt that I would be the sort of person who would regret it afterwards anyway.
17. What was the last movie you bought? I haven’t bought a movie in years. Rather than once again lying, I’m just going to say I don’t know.
18. What is a sport you would like to do? Basketball. (See question #2)
19. When was the last time you felt like crying? Upon learning of a tragic and untimely death in the family. I probably did cry, in fact.
20. Have you ever wanted to kill someone (not that you actually do it)? Not really. I’ve said I wanted to kill someone (not to their face, of course) as it’s a decent means of letting off steam. But that’s different than really wanting to kill them (and way different than actually doing it). I try not to lose my temper, though I have my limits. But I’m not a particularly violent guy. That said, if I absolutely had to because my life or the lives of my loved ones were in danger, I’d like to think that I would do whatever was necessary to protect us. But that most certainly doesn’t mean I would do it with any joy or enthusiasm; while I might want to kill them more than I want to die, I wouldn’t like the fact that the person put me in this position. But killing someone because they scratched my fender, wore the throwback of an opposing quarterback or cut me off in traffic? No, that’s not me at all.
Jill’s Answers
1. Is there someone in your life you know you’d be better off without? I don’t think so. I have a friend who is extremely irritating and needy. She is the reason the expression “pain in the ass” was coined. Despite the fact that I am a wife and mother who works full-time and tries to incorporate sex into my already-crowded schedule, this friend calls me frequently and attempts to monopolize my after-work time. It is very difficult to politely tell this person that, after a long, hard day, the first two people I want to spend time with are my husband and our child, and she isn’t even in the top ten. My life would be so much easier if I didn’t know this person, but she is not mean-spirited or actively trying to hurt us, so no, I don’t believe that I am better off without her in my life.
2. Do you get criticized because of your body? Not openly. If anyone is criticizing me, they’re doing it behind my back.
3. Did you kiss the last person you called? The last person I called was Jack. I have kissed him. The person before that was my mom. I have kissed her. Looking at my call history on my cell phone, the last call I made to someone who I’ve never kissed was on September 26th. I called Comcast to schedule cable installation. But who knows? Maybe the Comcast guy was an ex-boyfriend.
4. When was the last time you danced? I danced with our daughter today! She’s got rhythm.
5. Do you keep in mind other people’s feelings? I always do. In fact, I think I consider other people’s feelings to a fault, meaning that I sometimes try to please the people in my life at my own expense. Coming from a large family in which I was one of the eldest children, I got used to doing things for everyone else, and this has carried over to my adult life. Jack has tried to help me put my needs above the needs of others, but it hasn’t been easy. As they say, old habits die hard. Still, I’m trying, and I think I’m better about it than I used to be.
6. If you have a hang nail, do you pull it or clip it? Clip.
7. Who do you want to forget? I want to forget about people who have hurt me and those I love, such as ex-boyfriends who treated me poorly, and negative people who tried to drag me down to their level.
8. Who was the last person to send you a letter? I have no idea! In college I used to send and receive a lot of letters, twenty or thirty at a time! I used to write to old high school friends, family members I missed, and even new acquaintances and friends who lived close. But that was before e-mail. I think the letter is sadly obsolete.
9. Who did you last tell to shut up? I don’t normally tell people to shut up. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t want to.
10. What’s the last thing that you smelt that smelt bad? A container of mystery food that I encountered in the back of the refrigerator while cleaning it.
11. What’s your favorite cereal? Either Cap’n Crunch or Fruity Pebbles. I can’t choose one over the other. Also, unlike Jack, I do not want to eat the generic equivalents. They taste different, and I will gladly pay more for the name brand.
12. How do you feel when people lead you on, but they don’t even like you? I think it’s pretty shitty, and I feel hurt when it happens. It normally means they’re using me to get something from me. They’re lying, and I hate being lied to.
13. Could you live without sunlight? No. First of all, I need the vitamin D from the sun. Second of all, sunlight makes me happy. If I only had gray skies, I would be sad.
14. What’s something you know is bad, but you want to do it anyway? Sex in public. This is a big turn-on for me, and I love doing it. But the fact that it’s public means we run the risk of being caught, and being caught means possible arrest or public embarrassment, so we don’t do this very much, and generally only when there’s little risk of being caught, or at the very least when the thrill vastly outweighs the risk.
15. What was the last thing you lied about? I was having an instant messenger conversation with the irritating and needy friend I described above. She had popped up to ask me something, I answered her question, and then I got up from the computer assuming the conversation was over. She then popped up on Jack’s instant messenger and asked if I was through talking to her, as apparently she had more to say and continued IMing me after I was gone. When I returned to the computer I told her that I was checking on the baby, when what I should have said was, “I thought I answered your question, and besides, I don’t really like talking to you.” See what I mean about being considerate?
16. Do you regret anything you’ve done in the past week? I regret buying into someone else’s drama, which resulted in three days of having to deal with it. I could have just ignored it, and I would have had a much less stressful week. Because, as I said, I tend to be overly conscious of other people’s feelings, ignoring others isn’t always easy, and I have to deal with the repercussions of the choices I make. I also kind of wish I hadn’t accepted a dinner invitation from the person I described in the first question. But she had been asking to get together for so long, and I finally just gave in to shut her up. Hey, I just thought of something. If I actually told her to shut up, I could be rid of this person, and have an answer for question #9.
17. What was the last movie you bought? The last DVD I bought was P.S. I Love You, which I purchased for somebody as a gift.
18. What is a sport you would like to do? I would like to learn to play golf, but not enough to invest the necessary time and money.
19. When was the last time you felt like crying? I actually cried recently, when I came home late from work and found the baby had fallen asleep before I could see her.
20. Have you ever wanted to kill someone (not that you actually do it)? There are many people in my life who irritate me enough that I want to kill them, though I would never actually do it. Then again, after reading Jack’s answer, I should probably say for the record that I don’t actually want to kill anyone, but sometimes I like saying that I do.