This week’s TMI Tuesday questions were the idea of blogger Virtual Sin.
Jack’s Answers
1. If a screenwriter turned you into a character in a movie,
a. What stock Hollywood character would it be most like? For example: best friend, ditzy blonde, absent-minded professor, captain of industry, etc.
b. What actor/actress would play you?
a. I’d like to think of my stock character type as a lantern-jawed action movie hero, but if I’m being honest I’d have to go with the scrappy underdog that the audience comes to respect, and perhaps even root for. If I may quote Vince Vaughn in Swingers: “I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, bad man.”
b. Depends on what point in my life we’re talking about. For scenes in which I am a child, I insist that Hollywood return Haley Joel Osment, Benjamin Button-style, to age nine and cast him. When he looked up at Bruce Willis and, almost shamefully, revealed that he could see dead people, it was deja vu. I said the exact same thing with the exact same tone and inflection three different times when I was nine. I suppose that Haley Joel Osment can be re-aged in order to play me as a teenager/young adult, but truthfully I would much rather perform these scenes myself. For that very unusual and awkward phase I went through in my twenties, may I suggest Cameron Diaz? Jack in his thirties will be played by Edward Norton. Middle-aged Jack will be played by George Clooney. (Sorry, but it’s true. The guy’s middle aged.) Elderly Jack will be once again played by Edward Norton using a combination of CGI and prosthetics. However, all dialogue for this period must be recorded by Haley Joel Osment. Ancient Jack will be played by Clint Eastwood, but not until he’s at least ninety.
2. What genre of movie is your life most like? For example: romantic comedy, goofball comedy, spy, coming of age, action/adventure, sci-fi, etc
Again, this has varied through the years. My early childhood was much like a Pixar movie, full of anthropomorphic talking toys, fish, insects, monsters, cars and superheroes. (No floating houses though.) My adolescence was akin to a 1980s movie featuring a bunch of kids going on an adventure to save the world, their crummy poor neighborhood, or their parents’ marriage. (I was the smart-alecky one who, at twelve, thought he was God’s gift to women and a pioneer in cool. Basically, if my life was The Goonies, I was the Corey Feldman character.) My twenties were a screwball comedy with a hint of action and danger. At that point, my life was a movie in which a bunch of guys take a road trip to Las Vegas and various wacky hi-jinks ensue, but by the following morning everything is back to normal. (You immediately thought of The Hangover; I was thinking Doug Liman’s 1999 film Go.) At present my life is a quirky independent feature with a cast of unknowns, and one down-on-his-or-her-luck B-level star to give the whole thing a teaspoonful of credibility. Ironic considering that, at the moment, my life is more stable than it’s ever been. As such you’d think I’d liken it to something more mainstream, with a bigger budget. In fifteen years I will be fifty years old. My life will be one of John Waters’ more outlandish early-’70s works, or something really over-the-top like Jodorowsky’s El Topo.
3. What kind of scene in a movie would you like to play most? Why?
a. Argument
b. Love scene
c. Gun fight
d. High-speed car chase
I’m all for love scenes, so of these four choices I would go with b. However, I don’t want to do a ridiculously bland Hollywood love scene. Yes, I can be on top for part of the scene, but I insist that we change positions at least once, to one or more of the following: (a) doggy style (b) cowgirl. My co-star(s) will take an active role in the sex and will not be disinterested, shy, silent, or inexperienced. If they insist on showing my co-star(s) and I lying in bed after sex is over, we will not be covered, as we just finished having sex and there is no reason for modesty. If we must cover up for some reason, i.e. the sex occurred in the back of a pickup truck, it’s cold out and for some reason our clothing is inaccessible, we will not use those special movie sheets/blankets that only go up to a man’s waist while somehow completely covering a woman’s breasts. If I am able to choose a scene other than the ones on the list, I would choose the scene in which the police suddenly realize that the killer knows where the key witness is being held for his or her protection, and they rush right over only to find that they are too late. I want to play the killer.
4. Have you ever looked around you and thought “this is like a scene from a movie”? What were the circumstances?
There have been occasions when everything goes perfectly for me: I wake up before my alarm clock sounds, completely rested. There’s no frost on my windshield as I leave the house. Traffic on the freeway is nonexistent. The radio is playing music I like and has forgotten to play crap I don’t like, or even many commercials. I get to my destination and don’t have to put up with annoying bureaucratic bullshit: I’m able to complete my business quickly and continue on with my day. At times like this, my extensive movie-viewing leads me to believe that, since everything has gone perfectly, I am going to die in the next half hour.
5. Have you ever looked at a character in a movie and said, “Hey, that could be me”? Who/what was the character?
Humphrey Bogart as Rick Blaine in Casablanca. Frank Sinatra’s Danny Ocean in Ocean’s 11. Jack Butler (Michael Keaton) in Mr. Mom. King Kong. Whoever Peter North plays in any given movie.
Bonus: Have you ever been in pictures–Hollywood film, porno, homemade video, or other type of film? Tell us about it. …and is it on YouTube 🙂
Homemade porn, most definitely. Not much to tell, just various depraved sex acts filmed with a number of video-recording devices from an old-school VHS camcorder to a Mini-DV camera to a point-and-shoot digital camera to any number of cell phones. No, none of it is on YouTube. Sorry, ladies.
Jill’s Answers
1. If a screenwriter turned you into a character in a movie,
a. What stock Hollywood character would it be most like? For example: best friend, ditzy blonde, absent-minded professor, captain of industry, etc.
b. What actor/actress would play you?
a. Despite Jack’s suggestion that my character be the strong, sexy professional type, I think I’m more of the best friend. I’m not always comfortable being the center of attention, and would much rather be a major supporting character.
b. I’ve always liked Lauren Bacall. However, Jack tells me that she’s almost ninety so I guess she’s probably retired. If Kathleen Turner still looked like she did when she made Body Heat, I would choose her. Since she most certainly does not, I’m going with Katherine Heigl.
2. What genre of movie is your life most like? For example: romantic comedy, goofball comedy, spy, coming of age, action/adventure, sci-fi, etc
Romantic comedy, though at times it bears more than a passing resemblance to a porn film with a really good story, dialogue and production values.
3. What kind of scene in a movie would you like to play most? Why?
a. Argument
b. Love scene
c. Gun fight
d. High-speed car chase
I’m going with the car chase. If I could pick two, I’ll pick the love scene next, because I get the feeling that driving really fast would get me hot.
4. Have you ever looked around you and thought “this is like a scene from a movie”? What were the circumstances?
As a new mom, I was once the target of my baby daughter’s projectile vomiting, and I remember feeling like I was in some sort of gross-out comedy.
5. Have you ever looked at a character in a movie and said, “Hey, that could be me”? Who/what was the character?
As a teacher, some days, I feel like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.
Bonus: Have you ever been in pictures–Hollywood film, porno, homemade video, or other type of film? Tell us about it. …and is it on YouTube 🙂
See Jack’s answer.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!
Editorial Note: With this entry, we break our previous record for most entries in a single month, fourteen, set in October 2008. As you may have guessed, we’re glad to be back.
Love the bonus answer from you both – there’s still time to post them on youtube. Go on, you know you want to 🙂
Haha, you guys are hilarious. Jack – *love* the Swingers quote. Great choice.
Excellent! Inspirational!
Jack:
I love the Corey Feldman charecter in Goonies
You sure did put a lot of thought into #3 😉
#4- I am totally there awaiting the shoe to drop!
Jill:
I agree about the car chase- that would make me hot!
Congrats on your record too! 🙂
~viemoira
First thanks so much for swinging by my entry. I usually post more often but my plate is full and my cup runneth over and not necessarily is all of it a blessing lol. I like fast cars but only if I am the driver, put me in the passenger seat and you have a projectile vomiting scene guaranteed. I have one naughty tape. I don’t like taking pictures as such or video 3 kids left marks I can’t erase.. maybe one day.. although I do participate in HNT occassionally mainly my ass and my boobs cause they are so flipping huge ya can’t miss them.
I really like that you both share your blog, I find it refreshing to read both of your thoughts and opinions.
Part of me is envious of your situation, keep it up…. I know I will 🙂
@Jack:
1. Your Haley Osment episodes as a child are freaky!
ROFLMAO…Cameron Diaz?! Well, I think she’s sexy and could be a good tranny. :p
I am a HUGE Edward Norton fan. That man can act!!!
I am cracking up at how much thought you gave this…and it’s good too. Really really good. 🙂 🙂
2. Hahaha. Gawd help anyone whose life resembles a John Waters film. I do love that man…he’s completely nuts and real and true.
3. geezus you crack me up. tears are in my eyes from laughing so hard. What the hell do you eat, take, drink?
4. Ha! I know, right?
BTW…Most Martha that I touted on my TMI Tuesday is available on Netflix.
-H
@Jill:
2. Ooh. I like your life movie.
3. *giggle*
4. eewww!
5. Ummm…that’s not real pleasant. Though I guess in the end it could be rewarding.
-H
My “Gone Hollywood” is here:
http://kinkygent.blogspot.com/2011/09/this-weeks-tmi-tuesday-questions-were.html
Thanks for the feedback, everyone! We are glad to hear that you enjoyed our answers as much as we enjoyed yours.