It Happens to Boys, Too

During a pretty intense therapy session this week, it was pointed out to me that an older female relative groomed me sexually as a pre-teen and teenager. My therapist noted, accurately, that although there was no inappropriate physical contact between myself and the other person, what transpired qualifies as sexual abuse on her part. As I reflected on the specifics, I couldn’t really argue the point, but just to drive the point home, my therapist went on:

“If the genders were reversed, if you were a twelve-year-old girl and the other person was an adult man, you wouldn’t hesitate to call it abuse. Nobody would.” My therapist suggested that this person’s advances hadn’t been any manner of innocent flirting, and she was right; again, I was a child and my relative was an adult who should have known better. Then she showed me a series of possibilities in which she used these advances – specifically my fear of being discovered and blamed by my parents, itself undoubtedly caused by my in-born Catholic shame – as ammunition to manipulate or coerce me into further such interactions.

I suspect that I largely avoided these possibilities because the relative in question wasn’t somebody I saw often; she lived several states away, and while we did typically see each other often given the distance, interaction was infrequent enough that it wasn’t an issue. As far as I know, anyway. Don’t be surprised if I post an update reflecting new revelations and no-longer-suppressed memories.

I agreed with my therapist’s assessment of the relative. The person in question is my uncle’s wife, now ex. I don’t know if I ever discussed this person here at the blog, but I cut her out of my life and the lives of my family years ago for unrelated reasons; she isn’t someone I’m going to confront. Even if she was a five-minute drive away, or otherwise someone with whom I still have casual social contact, I wouldn’t bring it up. For one thing, I see no reason to put myself in that situation. It isn’t going to help; all it’s going to do is dredge up old shit that I don’t want or need dredged up.

Also, the likelihood that the person in question would revel in the confirmation that she harmed me in some way, that the long game she began playing in the late 1980s had bore fruit, is more than enough reason to keep mum. She’s the sort of person I’ve long considered a sociopath – this label justified by my therapist this week – and not only do I not expect remorse, I see no reason to give her the satisfaction she’d undoubtedly get from being told how her behavior affected me.

So why did I not realize this was abuse until now, nearly thirty years later? Beyond the fact that the grooming of a child by a usually predatory adult is something I didn’t understand and wasn’t aware of back then, the most obvious reason why I was slow to get it is because no physical contact occurred. There was no sex, no copping a feel, no open-mouth kissing. There was nothing that my parents would have recognized as overtly sexual, though I’m guessing that my mom, at least, would have disapproved of her buying me an issue of Penthouse Forum.

If the behavior wouldn’t have seemed abusive to them, it wasn’t going to seem abusive to me. A shapely, sexually confident woman was not only flirting with me, but talking about sex with me, letting me see her in minimal clothing as much as possible, and circumventing my parents in order to ensure that I had jerkoff material. (Obviously much of that involved getting me alone, something that was not lost on me.) Of course, what did I know? I was a hormone-fueled, perpetually-horny adolescent boy awkwardly staggering through six of the most awkward years of public education.

The main reason why I’ve been so slow to acknowledge the insidiousness of her actions is because, to my mindset, it didn’t fit the profile. I was a boy. She was a woman. Wasn’t abuse usually perpetrated by men against girls, or as we all saw on that very special episode of Diff’rent Strokes, against boys? Women just didn’t do that, did they? I’m not saying that it wasn’t in their nature or anything; the relative in question had certainly always seemed self-serving and exploitative. Had I given it more than a cursory thought, I probably wouldn’t have put anything past her. It’s just that, as far as I could tell at age fourteen or however old I might have been when these things occurred, a straight-identified boy couldn’t be abused by a woman to whom he was attractive. I mean, it just wasn’t possible, was it?

Before I go any further, I need to beg your pardon over my woeful lack of common sense regarding the above point. As I said, this occurred between age twelve and my late teens – eighteen, maybe. I didn’t know much about anything, and I was admittedly ignorant to the greater long-term repercussions of my interactions with her. Though I didn’t think she was hot for me, exactly, all that mattered was that an attractive older woman was expressing some sort of interest in me. Whether or not it was faked – and I suspected it was – I didn’t care. She gave me a boner and sufficient visuals to get off to when I was alone; I couldn’t really see a downside.

You’re undoubtedly familiar with Mary Kay LeTourneau, the high school teacher who did hard time for having sex with an underage male student. Or Debra Lafave, Carrie McCandless, Pamela Rogers Turner, and countless other women in positions of authority who have taken sexual advantage of younger males in their charge. Likewise, you’ve undoubtedly heard people dismissing these serious charges because of the genders of those involved. These boys aren’t victims, they might have said. These boys are heroes. I recall the hosts of a popular morning radio show I listened to in my twenties celebrating those abused by women, calling them kings. Humorously, perhaps, but without much in the way of irony or reflection.

As boys, we are taught to value sex with women. It’s a goal to which to aspire. It’s something to which we are told – verbally or through subtle programming – that we are entitled. So why would a boy below the legal age of consent who has sex with – or is groomed by – an older woman consider that abuse? He’s likely to consider it a victory.

We all know that what Mary Kay LeTourneau did was a crime. Yes, I recogize that she and her victim later spent more than a decade together, raising multiple children. It’s still a crime. And even if you don’t find it icky, it’s still illegal.

At the time that the relative in question was prancing around in a new bikini, giving me up-close looks at her ample breasts and ass, I was happy with it. When she was making plans to take me camping on the Oregon Coast the summer after my junior year of high school, I didn’t consider that abuse. As she was pointing out every porn shop in her neighborhood when I’d come up to visit just to put it in my head that she was aware of such things, that she thought about them, and perhaps to make me think about visiting such an establishment – or consuming its wares – with her, I was excited.

At this point in my life, I wasn’t getting laid. I was probably too awkward and unconfident at thirteen or fourteen to make that happen, and on some level I knew I couldn’t handle the potential repercussions. I won’t go so far as to say I didn’t want to get laid, but to a kid like me sex required a relationship and a relationship took work, took money, took a driver’s license. Add to that the risks of pregnancy, of HIV, of being forced to sit through dinner with a girl’s family, and at least at that age, I was happy to opt out.

This relative, on the other hand, gave me a wealth of masturbatory material. Why she did it I couldn’t possibly have guessed at the time, though as I said, I was pretty sure she wasn’t genuinely into me. She and her boyfriend – my uncle – had what appeared to be a very close relationship, and while I’d heard of people cheating on television and in books, I didn’t suspect she was so inclined, certainly not with a scrawny pip-squeak like me. Of course, had I known at the time that she met my uncle through her boyfriend, who dumped her when he found out she was cheating, I might have held out hope.

Was she trying to be the “cool aunt”? Was she trying to compensate for a lack of self-esteem or perceived value? Per the former, my uncle was always the “cool uncle”. Years earlier, he’d watch cartoons with my cousins and I, he’d imitate the voices of various characters, and he’d take us fun places and relate to us even though we were children. That is admittedly a far cry from buying porn for someone whose mother forbade it. To me, that seemed above and beyond the call of duty.

So I’ll admit that she was probably compensating. My aunt was certainly attractive, especially back then, in her late twenties and early thirties. Her looks had undoubtedly been the focus of her value to most men, and was probably the first thing – or maybe even the only thing – they noticed about her. For someone who is college-educated, and likely has a wide array of interests and positive qualities, to be reduced to a pretty face and/or body likely takes a toll. Not that I’m trying to make excuses for this awful, awful person.

The point of all of this is that my therapist suggested that, good or bad, this experience may have in some way shaped my current sexual profile. I’m not yet sure how, exactly; we barely delved into it during this most recent session. Could my all-encompassing need for multiple partners, long a driving factor in nearly everything I’ve ever done, be borne of this person’s subtle manipulations? (I feel compelled to point out that the subject of my previous theory as to the origin of my non-monogamous tendencies predates meeting this woman by three years.)

Now, I don’t necessarily believe that my inability to be happy in a monogamous relationship is a result of sexual abuse, nor do I think that’s what my therapist – who herself identifies as polyamorous – was positing. Further, I don’t think being unable or unwilling to conform to societally-imposed standards for love, sex, and relationships is necessarily evidence of childhood trauma, even long-denied or deeply-buried childhood trauma like my own. And again, I don’t believe that was necessarily what my therapist was referring to; the breakthrough came near the end of the session; she didn’t attempt to link what transpired during my formative years with my tendency toward non-monogamy specifically, though that is probably the biggest facet of my sexual identity.

Still, I do find myself wondering how my adult relationships might have been different had my uncle dated someone less destructive. I guess time will tell.

TMI Tuesday – January 30, 2018

Another day, another week, another TMI Tuesday.

ABCs of TMI

Just me tonight; by the time I realized it was Monday night and the questions were up, Jill was asleep.

1. I will never again _____ .
Be as old as I am right this minute

2. I stash _____ in my closet.
Household supplies like toilet paper, paper towels, and anything else that doesn’t have its own spot.

3. Are you embarrassed when strangers start talking about their sex life to you?
This isn’t something that has ever happened to me, I don’t think. I don’t know that I’d be embarrassed if it did. I guess it depends on the circumstances, though. Some random person at a party looking for advice or just to talk? I’d probably be fine with that. Some obnoxious jerk trying to get a reaction out of me while I’m waiting for the walk signal? Not so much.

4. Would you date someone who is celibate?
I want to say that I would provided our personalities and interests aligned properly, or there was otherwise enough to attract me to the other person. I want to say that, because I don’t necessarily believe a date has to lead to sex. Don’t get me wrong, generally speaking I want it to. However, I understand that it won’t always. And that’s okay; I enjoy being in the company of people to whom I am physically or intellectually attracted even when sex is not an option. That said, I like sex. It’s one of the most important things to me. While I might date someone who is celibate, I don’t know that I’d enter into a relationship with them because, while our personalities and our interests might align, our physical needs do not.

5. What percentage does each of these activities–work, play, household, sex, rest/sleep have in your life? (Must equal 100%)
Work: 30
Play: 20
Household: 30
Sex: 5
Rest/Sleep: 15

Bonus: How do you decompress at the end of each day? How would you like to decompress at the end of each day?
I decompress with some mindless internet activity on my phone, or by watching television or reading something inconsequential before bed. Often with a drink. I would much rather decompress with sex and cuddling.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

TMI Tuesday: January 16, 2018

Hey, what’s a nice person like you doing in a sexy place like this? Oh, playing TMI Tuesday.

Tell the Truth

Jack’s Answers

1. A friend gave you a pie touting it as a favorite family recipe, and you ate this pie and got sick–or had an allergic reaction. The friend calls a few days later to ask, “How did you like the pie?” What would you say?
Obviously I’d accuse the friend of attempting to kill me with their poison pie, swear off the friendship forever with a dramatic speech worthy of Shakespeare, and then attempt to turn all of our mutual friends against them on social media.

2. Your significant other really wants to try the “swingers’ lifestyle” but you really do not want to do this. Do you:
a. Tell him/her no, you are not interested
b. Do it, and go along to make her/him happy
c. Say yes, because you’ll try anything once
d. Say no, with no explanation and forbid your significant other from venturing into swinging.
I’d probably go with (c) or (b); if it’s something my significant other wants and I care enough about my significant other to not immediately end the relationship as a result, I’m going to at least try it for their sake. Of course, if you know me you undoubtedly realize that if my significant other wants to swing I am going to go for option e: Jump in gleefully with both feet and try to enjoy every second.

3. Have you texted nude photos to someone and had it come back to bite you in the ass–as is someone taking revenge for your misjudgement?
Boy, I sure as hell hope not. Given our need for discretion I am wary of someone distributing what is known as “revenge porn”, either of myself or of Jill. I don’t often send out nude photos, though I have been known to do so if I’m certain the recipient wants to see me naked. And generally speaking I do not send out nude photos unless I’m relatively sure the person receiving them can be trusted, i.e. they’re not the sort who’d eventually use them against me. And while it’s difficult to tell if someone who seems above such things might eventually change, it helps that I know most of the women with whom I’ve interacted in this fashion from Twitter; I can observe their tweets and see if there are any off-handed comments about, say, sending a dick pic to the sender’s mother. (Understand that I am not opposed to a recipient of such images disseminating them when they are sent without solicitation; this is something I never do.) I must acknowledge that as a man I’m probably less susceptible to “revenge porn” than women, but I have dated a couple women who might have done so had texting nude photos been a thing at the time.

4. Have you or would you ever stop having a relationship with someone who had a weight problem, and their physique drastically changed?
No. This simply isn’t my way. I might break up with someone for a number of reasons, but I don’t think extreme weight gain or extreme weight loss would be among them.

5. Would you rather find true love or win the lottery with winnings of $10,000 (usd)?
Even though $10,000 isn’t shit, I’d probably opt to win the lottery because I’ve already found true love.

Bonus: Which topic of conversation do you avoid at all costs–politics or religion?
To the extent that I avoid either, I’d go with religion. Many of the people I know are Catholic and probably don’t want to hear me crowing about atheism, so I don’t. But politics? If I see an opening, I’m going to lean right into it. The reason these two topics tend to be off-limits in so-called polite company is because they are divisive and expressing one’s political opinions can have an adverse effect on friendships and other relationships. To which I say good; if a friend or other relation happens to think Trump is an acceptable candidate for the highest office in this country, if they believe Colin Kaepernick is a traitor to this country, if they believe marriage isn’t legitimate if the people participating are of the same gender, if they believe white men are in any way threatened, I need (though I don’t necessarily want) to know that.

Jill’s Answers

1. A friend gave you a pie touting it as a favorite family recipe, and you ate this pie and got sick–or had an allergic reaction. The friend calls a few days later to ask, “How did you like the pie?” What would you say?
I would probably ask what the ingredients were and explain that I had an allergic reaction. I think I would be truthful.

2. Your significant other really wants to try the “swingers’ lifestyle” but you really do not want to do this. Do you:
a. Tell him/her no, you are not interested
b. Do it, and go along to make her/him happy
c. Say yes, because you’ll try anything once
d. Say no, with no explanation and forbid your significant other from venturing into swinging.
B. I would try anything to make my partner happy. Especially if I knew it was something they really wanted or needed. Sometimes that works, and other times it doesn’t.
[Editor’s Note: I can confirm that my wife will do literally anything, including pushing herself far out of her comfort zone and challenging everything she believes to be true about love, sex, and relationships, in order to please someone she cares about. I believe our current difficulties are due in part to her giving too much of herself in pursuit of my happiness.]

3. Have you texted nude photos to someone and had it come back to bite you in the ass–as is someone taking revenge for your misjudgement?
Fortunately there have been no negative effects from the people to whom I’ve sent nude pictures, or from those who have seen the ones I’ve tweeted or posted to the blog. I have been very fortunate, and I believe the Twitter friends I’ve made have been extremely respectful. This is something for which I’m very grateful.

4. Have you or would you ever stop having a relationship with someone who had a weight problem, and their physique drastically changed?
I wouldn’t stop having a relationship with someone based on their physical appearance, just as I wouldn’t allow someone’s physical appearance to influence whether I have a relationship with them in the first place. I truly believe it is who the person is on the inside, and the nature of our connection, that is important.

5. Would you rather find true love or win the lottery with winnings of $10,000 (usd)?
I’d go with true love. $10,000 won’t last very long nor make much of a dent in our annual expenses, and I have little use for the kinds of material things $10,000 could buy. On the other hand, true love has the potential to last forever.

Bonus: Which topic of conversation do you avoid at all costs–politics or religion?
Politics. I am open to people discussing their religion. I believe everyone has a right to believe or not believe in whatever they like. I am happy to discuss their beliefs if that’s something they want.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

TMI Tuesday: January 9, 2018

We’re getting nosy. After all, this is TMI Tuesday!

Nosy

What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business. 😀

Jack’s Answers

1. How old is your longest living relative?
Probably my aunt, who is seventy-six.

2. Do you hope to live to this age? Why?
I suppose. I mean, I’d rather live until fifty and be happy every day than live until seventy-six and be miserable. So whichever path brings me the least sadness overall.

3. What is your family’s native language? Your native language?
My family speaks Klingon but I speak Huttese.

4. How old were you when you started dating?
I was fourteen, I believe, when I had my first date. Though I didn’t find myself in a relationship for the first time until I was fifteen.

5. How old were you when you first had sex–any kind of sex?
Sixteen. Same person. Read all about it here.

Bonus: How would you describe your sense of humor?
Sarcastic. Self-deprecating. Inappropriate.

Jill’s Answers

1. How old is your longest living relative?
Probably my aunt, who is seventy-six.

2. Do you hope to live to this age? Why?
I hope to live longer, actually. As long as I can take care of myself. Once I can’t do that? Once I’m no longer able to tend to my basic needs and I require help from others, I don’t want to live anymore.

3. What is your family’s native language? Your native language?
My heritage includes Italian, German, and Gaelic. I’m told it’s a rather exciting mix. The closest thing we have to a native language is probably Italian, as it’s the only associated language any of my relatives speak fluently, or often. As for my own native language, I was always raised speaking English. That’s all we ever spoke around the house, so I’ll go with that.

4. How old were you when you started dating?
I started dating at seventeen.

5. How old were you when you first had sex–any kind of sex?
I was twenty-six.

Bonus: How would you describe your sense of humor?
Sarcastic.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website

TMI Tuesday: January 2, 2018

Happy 2018! Don’t know about you but our 2017 sucked. I hope your 2018 is healthy, happy, and prosperous. Here’s the first TMI Tuesday of the new year.

Happy New Year

As usual, let’s review the past year.

Jack’s Answers

1. Did you make any resolutions at the start of 2017? If yes, how did you do at keeping them? What one thing are you still doing?
I believe the one resolution I made for 2017 involved having sex with a few new people. I did all right with this. Beyond that, I think I resolved to live my life to the fullest, and to do my best to take care of myself. I think I did as well as could be expected with the latter, though the former left something to be desired.

2. Pick three words to describe your year 2017.
Lonely. Isolated. Depressing.

3. What was your biggest personal change in 2017?
An almost total disconnect from my wife for most of the year. As she experienced something of an existential crisis and withdrew from me, our relationship changed to something akin to coparenting roommates who slept in the same bed. As a result I became more self-reliant with regard to my emotional needs; this was far from ideal, but it was either that or spiral further into my own depression. Oh! Speaking of which, I also sought treatment for my depression and anxiety, and began seeing a therapist regularly for the first time in nearly fifteen years. So we’ll see how it goes.

4. What was totally unexpected in your 2017?
I’d like to say that the aforementioned disconnect was unexpected, but as I could feel it take shape in late 2016, that wouldn’t be true. I guess the most unexpected thing was the amazing and inspiring way the people of the United States refused to lie down for the penny-ante wannabe fascist dictator currently occupying the Executive Branch of our government. I really thought we’d be neck-deep in some sort of Hunger Games-esque dystopia by now, but the Resistance is strong.

5. What was the best thing that happened to you in 2017?
The aforementioned “seeking treatment” thing from #3. Writing frequently, albeit not for this blog. Dieting successfully for the first time in my life. Maintaining fulfilling long-distance relationships. Twin Peaks: The Return. Stranger Things Season 2. Rick and Morty Season 3. Doctor Who Series 10. Get Out. Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

Bonus: Did you make new year resolutions for 2018? Share a few with us? Any of them repeats from 2017?
Have more sex than I did in 2017. The bar is pretty low on that one.

Jill’s Answers

1. Did you make any resolutions at the start of 2017? If yes, how did you do at keeping them? What one thing are you still doing?
I made a resolution to take better care of myself, including exercising and eating better. I also resolved to take time for me and not feel guilty about it, and to try and figure out what I needed to make me truly happy. Some days were easier than others. It was a constant struggle throughout the year, and I’m still working on my happiness.

2. Pick three words to describe your year 2017.
Stressful, overwhelming, and empowering.

3. What was your biggest personal change in 2017?
For the first time in my life, I forced myself to state my feelings and concerns in a productive way, and to worry more about my own personal well-being.

4. What was totally unexpected in your 2017?
I was surprised to learn that I could be strong and stand up for myself without giving in.

5. What was the best thing that happened to you in 2017?
The days I worked at, and succeeded in, making myself happy. Also, seeing my daughter continue to grow into a strong and loving person.

Bonus: Did you make new year resolutions for 2018? Share a few with us? Any of them repeats from 2017?
My goals for 2018 are the same as last year: To take care of myself and seek happiness.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

We Had Sex on New Year’s Eve!

As the title of this post indicates, Jill and I had sex on New Year’s Eve. That’s hardly a newsflash, you’re undoubtedly thinking. Don’t you two have sex, like, all the time?

You could be forgiven for thinking that was still the case, what with the five-part  series  published  last  year that detailed our journey into complete and total openness. I’m happy to report that for all intents and purposes we are still open, still more or less poly. However, if you follow me on Twitter or if you’ve read some of our recent TMI Tuesday posts, you might have gathered that our sex life has stalled in a profound manner of the sort I never expected. It’s likely that Jill didn’t expect it either, even though the stall was essentially her choice, a defensive emotional reaction that I suppose I can’t blame her for exhibiting.

Simply put, in addition to being a festering dumpster on a global level, 2017 did Jill and I no favors on a personal level either. The past year brought conflict and doubt to our marriage, and an almost total cessation of sexual activity between the two of us. The seeds of this rift were planted, unbeknownst to us, more than a year ago; this will presumably be the subject of an eventual blog post or series.

Though we aren’t back where we were a year and a half ago, we are likely getting closer each day. I’ve spent much of the past several months analyzing the causes of the distance we’ve been experiencing, and have come to several possible conclusions, most if not all of which are likely true. All of this helps us rebuild, and the conclusions themselves will presumably also be covered here at the blog in the future.

(Before you go touching yourself lasciviously at the thought of some sort of juicy drama, I feel compelled to warn you that of the possible causes I have discerned, the most probable are less soap opera material and more humdrum real-life stuff. There is some drama, to be sure. But a huge part of what’s happened between us is probably simple [though insidious] complacency. It happens.)

At the time that I posted the above-linked series last year, I knew that things between Jill and I weren’t where we needed them to be. But as I had only recently become aware of just how bad things had gotten and was still analyzing – and indeed still hoping the situation could be fixed – I opted to share the posts and with it a very positive experience. At worst, it was a victorious moment in time I sought to capture and share; I did not intend to deceive.

I can admit that while I was in fact still processing and analyzing the situation, my failure to blog about the situation sooner was due less to that and more to my unwillingness to disclose what was going on. I wasn’t exactly eager to prostrate myself before those who in 2012 looked to Jill and I as some sort of sexual ideal, those who read our daily blog posts and got turned on by the things we tweeted. Or worse, those whose sex life was then what ours is now, and who hoped we’d eventually find ourselves in the same clichéd sexless marriage they were experiencing.

I was hopeful, especially in the early stages, that the situation would right itself on its own, and that I could eventually write about it in hindsight, having survived and perhaps learned a valuable lesson. On some level I knew this was implausible; how many life-altering situations can be safely ignored? I’m a pragmatic man who believes in tackling any issue head-on, but I’m also conscious of how I’m perceived. Ultimately I didn’t want to let on that anything was wrong until I absolutely could not stop myself from venting on Twitter.

Anyway, at some point I’ll fill in the blanks here at the blog. For now, just know we’re okay. We’re not good yet; we’re not always stable, even. But we’re okay. And we ended 2017 with a bang. Quite literally.

Two years ago, our daughter spent the last week of her winter break with my parents; accordingly Jill and I enjoyed much alone time, and our still-prodigious sex life got a shot in the arm. (Read about it here.) This week she is there once again. Given the slowdown this year, I didn’t expect a repeat occurrence, though an unexpected instance of middle-of-the-night sex on December fourteenth – the first in four months – gave me hope that we wouldn’t waste the time we had.

On New Year’s Eve, a few hours before midnight, we found ourselves watching TV and trying to figure out how to pass the time until 2018. It didn’t occur to me to initiate sex; I’d long since gotten tired of rejection, and even if she wasn’t one to say no, I’d rather not make my wife feel pressure to comply when she’s not feeling it. And the past year showed me she rarely felt it; by my count we had sex less than a dozen times in the last twelve months.

However, after a quick sortie to the bedroom, Jill returned naked from the waist down and told me I’d have to entertain her if I expected her to stay up until midnight. Even after the year I’ve had, I’m still capable of taking a hint; I quickly lost my clothes, then helped her take off her top. We lay down on the living room floor, in front of our still-lit Christmas tree, and resumed our connection as though we’d never stopped. As though there was nothing wrong.

The sex was as good as it had ever been; it wasn’t better because of the dearth of it, nor was it any worse because of the simmering resentment or prior disconnect. There was oral sex, kissing, and dirty talk, there were hands exploring flesh, and before my climax Jill asked me to pull out and come on her tits. I gladly complied; it’s a request she made seldom, even when we fucked more regularly. And it isn’t my favorite place to let go, but the urgency of her sexual agency – hell, the existence of her sexual agency – was exciting.

Afterwards, we showered together, then resumed our previous spots on the sofa. All told, it was a nice ending to a lousy year.

TMI Tuesday: December 12, 2017

Hi there! TMI Tuesday

Jack’s Answers

1. With whom would you like to take a bath?
Anyone who’s willing to. As time passes I find myself less picky than I was the day before. And in fact that same answer applies to most of these questions. So rather than going for the easy cop-out, I’ll give you the type of person with whom I’d like to do these things, rather than a specific individual. I’d like to take a bath with someone who would like to immerse themselves in warm (or even hot) water with me and share some intimacy. Someone who can be content with closeness, with soft kisses on her shoulders and the back of her neck.

2. You are, on a motorcycle, riding hard down a country road, wind in your hair. Who is the hottie on the bike with you? Are you riding or driving?
I’d like to take such a ride with someone who enjoys a spur-of-the-moment outing with no destination in mind. Someone who enjoys the excitement and exhilaration of speeding along a rural highway before pulling over for a hot makeout session and maybe some sexy hand action.

3. Baking naked–who is kneading your dough? 😉
I’d rattle off a list of all the celebrity chefs from whom I’d like to get a handjob – or better still, a blowjob – but in the off chance they’re regular readers of this blog, I’d hate for them to feel objectified, or to come off as entitled.

4. Come sail away, come sail away, come and sail away with me! Who is joining you for a sexy sea adventure?
Someone who isn’t prone to seasickness, definitely.

5. “I got your back.” Hands down who do you fully support, stick by no matter what, Who are you willing to help at all costs?
My family, by which I mean my wife and daughter. My parents too, if they needed it. Not my extended family, though; they haven’t made much effort to stay in my life, and after years of putting myself out there for them I’m pretty much done. Beyond family, a few close friends (and lovers) will always find me there when I’m needed.

Bonus: Belly button–inny or outty? Are you going to show us? 😀
Inny. Nobody wants to see my damn belly button.

Jill’s Answers

1. With whom would you like to take a bath?
I would like to take a bath with a person who will massage my shoulders, kiss my neck, squeeze me tight, and let me rest my head against his chest (or hers). Then the person would have to wash my hair, making sure to let the warm water run behind my ears.

2. You are, on a motorcycle, riding hard down a country road, wind in your hair. Who is the hottie on the bike with you? Are you riding or driving?
I’d ride with someone who is a safe driver, who I can trust to keep his or her eyes on the road and not get us into any close calls. I’d have to be riding, not driving, and likely with my eyes closed. Motorcycles scare me.

3. Baking naked–who is kneading your dough? 😉
Ideally a man with nice strong hands who can read my body and sense where it needs to be massaged and rubbed. He can listen to my soft moans and respond with deeper pressure.

4. Come sail away, come sail away, come and sail away with me! Who is joining you for a sexy sea adventure?
I’d like to experience this with a rich man with a beautiful yacht. There I can relax and enjoy being spoiled with delicious food and tasty beverages.

5. “I got your back.” Hands down who do you fully support, stick by no matter what, Who are you willing to help at all costs?
Definitely my husband and daughter. I have supported, loved compromised, and sacrificed happily for them. My extended family as well, and most of the people I love. I truly have their backs, and I always will.

Bonus: Belly button–inny or outty? Are you going to show us? 😀
Inny. No.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

TMI Tuesday: December 5, 2017

Sometimes ya gotta do, what ya gotta do–like play TMI Tuesday!

Sexy Specifics

Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy from “30 Rock

Just me (Jack) this week, folks…

1. What do you find sexiest in a woman?
An open mind. Don’t get me wrong; I am definitely turned on by a woman’s physicality. But I find engaging with a woman’s mind somehow far more exciting.

2. What do you find least sexy in a man?
Bigotry.

3. Have you ever been the other woman or man? Would you do it again?
I have, though I prefer not to be. I am always happiest when I can be with someone openly, without any sneaking around. I liken it to my current dilemma: I have an open relationship, but cannot date in my local area because of the likely repercussions – professional and personal – for my wife were I to be observed. I don’t enjoy that sort of repression, and I’d like to think I wouldn’t be the other man again. But I probably would.

4. Who puts more into a romantic relationship you or your significant other?
I do. There’s no question of this. I’ve always been the romantic sort. In the past, I think I was this way because it was how I thought I was supposed to be, or what the women I dated might have expected of me. These days, though, I think I put so much into a romantic relationship because it pleases me to do so.

5. Do you have a “work wife” or “office husband”?
Nope. I’m self-employed. It’s simply not an option.

Bonus: Are you in a healthy relationship? What makes you think so?
Not particularly, but I like to think it’s getting a little healthier each day.

Bonus, bonus: Is the “work spouse” strictly a U.S. American anomaly (they do spend an insane amount of hours at work)? One study found 32% of Americans admitted to having a work spouse.
What am I, a sociologist? How would I know?

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!