This week’s TMI Tuesday idea is from Heelsnstocking.
Jack’s Answers
1. What’s the worst reason you have been given for breaking up?
I’d say the worst reason was given me by someone I went out with in college. One night we went on a date and after dinner but before sex, the person in question told me that our Zodiac signs weren’t compatible. Now, I’m not one to ridicule one’s beliefs, and I understand that this sort of thing is a deal-breaker to some people, but at the time I was probably twenty years old, and could think of many more sensible reasons for a woman to consider me undateable than some abstract system of divisions in the celestial plane: I didn’t have a lot of money. I didn’t drive an expensive car. I was probably pretty awkward. I still lived with my parents. I could go on. But I was an upstanding and idealistic guy who worked hard and was capable of treating a woman with respect one minute, and giving her sexual pleasure the likes she’d never imagined the next. (Actually, I’ve always thought that giving a shit about a woman’s pleasure was in fact a show of respect.) I found the idea that she’d rather have potentially dated some unemployed burnout (remember, this was the mid-nineties, when American jobs were plentiful) who might have been prone to domestic violence but who happened to be more astrologically compatible a bit of a joke. Additionally, the fact that she broke up with me after dinner rather than after sex was a blow to my ego, as I was under the impression that she liked sex with me.
2. What’s the worst reason you gave, to someone, for breaking up?
I think all, or at least most of, my reasons for breaking up with someone have been very valid. In my single days, I tried my hardest to be honest while not unnecessarily trampling someone’s feelings. However, I once told someone that I was “too busy” to have a relationship with her. To my credit, it was during a period of my life where I actually was extremely busy with work, school, friends and family, and I didn’t have much time to also incorporate the sort of things that come with a relationship. In other words, if I could have continued to fuck this person without having to ever meet or speak to her parents, hang out at her house and watch TV, drive her to work or school, or spend time with her while clothed, that would have been ideal. However, I really just wasn’t into this person, and I might have suffered through the added stress of a relationship if she was more interesting, more exciting, or otherwise worth it.
3. Have you ever engineered the end of a relationship e.g doing something you know will put the other person off? If yes, what did you do?
Yes. In my twenties I briefly dated a divorced woman who had a young son. Although I didn’t feel much of a romantic or sexual connection to her, I liked her, and I liked her family as well. As this wasn’t enough justification to keep dating her, I sought the end of the relationship but knowing that she had feelings for me, I didn’t want to be the one to break it off. Though my behavior didn’t really change, i.e. I didn’t go from being a good guy to being an asshole, I did distance myself emotionally with the intention of driving her away. It worked, and while I occasionally feel guilty for not ending it responsibly, I take comfort in the likelihood that she’s happier alone or with a different partner than she ever would have been with me.
4. Have you ever stayed with a partner just because you could not bear to end it?
Despite the example in #3, I have generally been pretty good about ending a relationship that’s going nowhere. However, in my much younger days I stayed with someone I knew wasn’t right for me, but not exactly because I couldn’t bear to end it, i.e. not because I was concerned for her feelings, exactly. She had serious mental issues including (I think) bipolar disorder, and I was terrified by the idea of her reacting violently to my attempts to break up with her. Without exactly coming up with a timeframe, I decided to stick it out while I gathered up my courage and got my affairs in order just in case. Before long she left me for some other guy, and I remember being very relieved.
5. Have you ever encouraged a friend to end a relationship? What happened? Are you still friends?
For some reason, friends come to me for relationship advice. I have no idea why this is, but I have listened to, and/or counseled more than a few of my friends on their relationships, and not just friends who know each other so it’s not like one friend told another friend, who told another friend. These are people who, in some cases, have never spoken. I have no real qualifications to give this sort of advice; I’m pretty sure my relationship resume reads pretty much like anyone else’s. But according to relationship expert and soon-to-be-best-thing-on-MTV Dan Savage, a master’s degree is not necessary: “You don’t need qualifications to give advice, someone just has to ask you for your advice to qualify.” So I’ll gladly give my opinion when asked, and try not to second-guess myself after the fact. Most of my friends who seek advice don’t have life-changing problems, and I’d like to think that if they did they’d ask someone whose opinion might carry a bit more weight than my own. Having said that, yes, I did once encourage a friend to dump the guy she was dating. Well, actually that’s not true. I didn’t encourage her, I merely told her that if I was in her shoes I would end the relationship, as they both had vastly different agendas. While she liked the sexual aspect of the relationship what she really wanted was a boyfriend, whereas the guy just wanted a regular piece of ass he could hit without much of an investment. He once very matter-of-factly told her that he was never going to be what she wanted him to be. He told her this on her birthday. Look, I’m all for being honest with significant others and random hookups, but it seemed like this guy was taking advantage of an emotionally-vulnerable person who was willing to have sex with him. I know this because, having been in a similar situation as a younger man, I did more or less the same thing. Ultimately it was my friend’s choice to stay – and she did, for a couple months after this revelation occurred – but his timing illuminated the sort of guy that he was.
Bonus: Have you ever been the cause of a relationship to end? Tell us about it.
As in, was I the outsider who broke up a couple? I’m guessing this question isn’t referring to one of my own relationships. I’m going to say probably, as I have had sex with women who were in pre-existing relationships. For the record, I was not acquainted with these women’s significant others. For the sake of self-preservation and a dislike of drama, my idealistic younger self swore he would never get involved with a woman who was attached. My realistic self, however, liked to get laid (still does!) and frequently recognized an opportunity when one presented itself. My rationalization was that a woman who wanted to stray was going to do so, whether or not it was with me, and as long as I didn’t know the guy I figured no harm done. I suppose this was a reprehensible attitude to take, but the sex was usually quite good, so I have no regrets. Again, I have no evidence to suggest that I contributed to the end of these relationships, or that the relationships even ended. In fact, I know that at least one of these women stayed with her significant other long after we stopped having sex.
Jill’s Answers
1. What’s the worst reason you have been given for breaking up?
In my mid-twenties, I was dating a guy and he told me that we should get married so he could get his green card. He said that we could see other people, and after five years we could get an amicable divorce! When I refused, he broke up with me. Pretty lousy reason, though obviously if he hadn’t broken it off, I would have.
2. What’s the worst reason you gave, to someone, for breaking up?
I don’t have a lot of weird reasons for breaking up with somebody. When I would break off a relationship, I would usually give the standard “It’s not working out”, which happened to be the truth.
3. Have you ever engineered the end of a relationship e.g doing something you know will put the other person off? If yes, what did you do?
I was dating a guy, and a couple months into the relationship I realized that I really didn’t like him all that much. He was kind of a jerk. One night we went to a party, and he went out for alcohol, leaving me behind. Despite the fact that he knew I didn’t like Jack Daniels (or maybe because he knew), that’s all he brought back to the party. I still wanted to drink, so I made myself a Jack and Coke. As though he was trying to bait me, he said, “I thought you don’t drink Jack Daniels.” I was so pissed off at him that, when his friend made a pass at me, I made out with him. The guy I was dating didn’t see, and after the party I met the other guy for sex. Later someone told the first guy that I made out with the second. The first guy suggested that he and I see other people. I said, “I already am.”
4. Have you ever stayed with a partner just because you could not bear to end it?
No. I have a pretty good track record of ending relationships when it’s clear that they’ve run out of steam.
5. Have you ever encouraged a friend to end a relationship? What happened? Are you still friends?
No. While I have given my opinion on friends’ relationships when asked, I would never encourage someone to leave a relationship that he or she is not ready to leave.
Bonus: Have you ever been the cause of a relationship to end? Tell us about it.
Yes, though indirectly. When I was in my twenties, I had sex with a boyfriend while his roommate watched and masturbated. The roommate was dating a friend of mine. When he told her that he’d watched us, she broke up with him.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!
Great answers! Jill I can’t believe she broke up with him for watching! He could of just as easily watched a movie or internet, or anything. Now if he would of joined in I may have broke up with him, but for merely watching and masturbating, I wouldn’t of. I applaud you both for ending relationships that were going no where, one of the few things I was never really able to do, I hung on usually far to long trying to be the one that “made it through the tough parts”. Now i see that it was me being stupid, and not knowing that I didn’t have to wait it out because someone was going to make me their priority instead of their option.
Jack.
1. Zodiac sign, you should have shown her your middle finger and stated this is my sign.
2. Too busy, I bet that went well, truth can be so ugly.
4. Good for you
Bonus: the struggle between Idealism and realism, I know this one very well.
Jill.
1. I need a green card (really) but would never attempt what he did.
3. I like how fast you move
4. You could have said see answer 3
Bonus: Really, I think I love you 🙂
Fantastic read! Love both sets of answers but the zodiac thing had me laughing heartily
Jill – #3 : “I already am.” You make me proud. Great comeback, lady.
Hey there !!! New follower. Thanks for wandering over to my blog. Looks like we have more in common than just writing !!!! Love your answers.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment!
Hera: I actually suspected afterwards that he and my boyfriend planned the intrusion in the hopes that I would do both of them. Although it was really hot to watch the other guy get himself off while I got fucked, I wasn’t particularly interested in the other guy and I wouldn’t have guessed that my then-boyfriend wanted to share me. I’m honestly not sure whether or not I would have gone along if the other guy made a move that night. It wasn’t something I was really into prior to that night, but I sure have fantasized about it since.
H: Glad you like the breakneck pace with which I used to go from zero to sixty. Other guys have told me that I’m worth the wait, but for the sake of pissing off my boyfriend, I sure wasn’t going to make the other guy wait. Jack likes your middle finger idea and says he wishes he had thought of it.
heelsnstocking: Jack says that the Zodiac incident was the most surreal breakup he’s ever gone through and he felt like he was on Candid Camera. We still can’t stop laughing over the story about you pretending to be dead, by the way. Too funny!
Freya: *Blush* Such high praise! Thank you!
CinfulCinnamon: Thanks for stopping by! Glad to see we have things in common! We are lLooking forward to reading more of your stuff!
-Jill