If you are hesitant about confessing crimes…lie…be creative.
Jack’s Answers
1. Do you know how to pick a lock? Have you ever used this skill to gain unauthorized access?
Yes, I know how to pick a lock. I own a lockpick kit that includes several picks and tension wrenches, and I’ve used the kit on occasion, though mostly for fun and not in the sort of situation where I’d have to get a motel room for the night. Once, while I was still doing office work, I picked a file cabinet lock, thereby restoring access to the Ma-Me file drawer. I was an office hero for about a day and a half.
2. Do you know how to open a safe with a rotary combination lock? Have you ever used this skill to gain unauthorized access? What did you find?
When I was a kid I had a piggy bank that looked like a safe. It was a cheap piece of crap, and while it did have a working combination lock, if someone really wanted in they could have basically spun the rotary mechanism until the door opened. Hell, if someone wanted the handful of coins that I kept inside, they could have given it two whacks with a hammer and access would be granted. I can open that sort of safe with no trouble, but the sort where I would be arrested, or beaten to death by hired goons? That one I can’t open.
3. Have you ever made a copy of a key you were not supposed to have? Did you use it to gain unauthorized access? What were you looking for? Did you find it?
I’ve never made a copy of a key I wasn’t supposed to have, but I once bogarted my way into the locked bedroom of someone for whom we were house-sitting. We knew they had a four-poster bed, a luxurious white marble bathroom with a jacuzzi tub large enough for two to sit comfortably, and a walk-in shower. Additionally we’d always wanted to have sex on their balcony three stories over the swimming pool. No sooner had we set our bags down in the guest room than we headed upstairs to the master bedroom, intent on getting naked and christening the place. One problem: The door was locked. Disappointed, we went about the business of befouling every other room in the house, from the living room to the cabana in the yard. During the first night of our visit, we were kept awake by the rhythmic beeping of a smoke detector with a dying battery. We investigated the sound and realized that it was coming from the master bedroom. It was so persistent that, half-insane with fatigue, we ended up sleeping on the living room floor. The following morning we called the homeowners to tell them of the situation, and they directed us to the key to the master bedroom, which was taped to the ceiling of their hall closet.
4. Have you ever stolen or guessed a password? Did you use it to gain unauthorized access? What did you do?
No, but I once ripped out someone’s eyeballs in order to foil a retinal scan. (I’ve said too much.)
Wrong Jack.
5. Do you know how to get data from a computer that requires a password you don’t know?
You mean if there’s no way to perform a retinal scan with freshly-excised eyeballs? ‘Fraid not.
6. Do you know how to record a telephone call? Have you ever done so secretly? Did you hear anything interesting? What?
Not currently, though I can’t imagine it’s very difficult in the current digital age. But when I was in my late teens my parents had an answering machine that used standard audio cassettes, and a call-record function the specifics of which I’ve long forgotten. Occasionally I would remove the incoming message tape and replace it with a store-bought tape, and record late-night phone sex. Why late-night? Because it was the only time I could be certain my parents wouldn’t pick up the phone and hear something they didn’t want to hear. Ah, the things I take for granted as a thirty-five year-old man.
To everyone under the age of thirty, this is an audio cassette.*
7. Have you ever used a webcam or nanny cam to photograph someone secretly?
No, but I’ve thought about it. Let me rephrase that: As a voyeur, it’s something I’ve fantasized about, though I’m reasonably certain that I would never actually set up a hidden – and for that matter illegal – surveillance system for the purposes of spying on someone. However, I was told by someone just yesterday that her bucket list included being unknowingly observed during sex, so never say never, I guess.
8. Have you ever used an infrared camera to photograph someone secretly in the dark?
Not since my tenure as an FBI agent invesigating Russian organized crime in Brighton Beach.
9. Have you ever learned anything important by deliberate eavesdropping?
Yes, when I was a jailhouse snitch during my lengthy incarceration. I curried favor with the warden by informing on the most violent inmates. Okay, seriously now. As a writer, I honed my dialogue-writing skills by listening in on the conversations of others in public places. I didn’t care about the specific things they were discussing, but I liked hearing naturally flowing conversation – I still do – and I’m certain that it made me a better writer.
10. Do you know how to hot-wire a car?
No, but I can unclasp a bra with one hand, and that’s a skill I’ve had much more opportunity to use on a regular or semi-regular basis.
If you don’t get the reference you’re lame.
Bonus: Have you ever been paid for your sexual skills? What skill(s) did you perform?
I gave Jill a baby, and she paid me with a threesome.
Jill’s Answers
1. Do you know how to pick a lock? Have you ever used this skill to gain unauthorized access?
I don’t know how to pick a standard lock, but I can pick one of those cheap-ass diary locks with a bobby pin. I have done this to gain access to my sister’s diary. I also picked the small lock on my brother’s candy stash – sorry, no weed – when we were kids. Of course, that lock was so wimpy that I could have probably just snipped it off with a pair of safety scissors.
2. Do you know how to open a safe with a rotary combination lock? Have you ever used this skill to gain unauthorized access? What did you find?
I’ve never attempted it with a safe, but I have tried to put a magnet on the back of a padlock with a combination, the kind you might have on your locker in high school. I listened for the clicks to see if I could figure out the combination. It never worked, and in fact that might just be an old wives’ tale.
3. Have you ever made a copy of a key you were not supposed to have? Did you use it to gain unauthorized access? What were you looking for? Did you find it?
No. The only keys I’ve ever made copies of are houses I was renting at the time (or houses that I owned), but I always returned the originals and all copies when I moved out. My life is not a Barenaked Ladies song, and I have no desire to sneak into an old apartment.
If my life was a Barenaked Ladies song, it’d be “If I Had $1,000,000”.
4. Have you ever stolen or guessed a password? Did you use it to gain unauthorized access? What did you do?
The only time I ever tried to guess a password was when I was home alone, and needed to look something up on Jack’s computer. I booted it up, it was password-protected, I made one incorrect guess, and immediately called him to ask what the correct one was. He’s got so many different passwords that he uses, and I wasn’t about to spend twenty minutes guessing each correct one. For all I know, three incorrect guesses and the computer erases its hard drive.
Or worse.
5. Do you know how to get data from a computer that requires a password you don’t know?
Why yes! Of course I do! In fact, one time I was home alone and I needed to look something up on Jack’s computer. I booted it up, it was password-protected, and I didn’t know the password. Being the super-smart computer-savvy chick that I am, I called Jack and he gave it to me. If you had read #4, you would already know this.
6. Do you know how to record a telephone call? Have you ever done so secretly? Did you hear anything interesting? What?
I’ve never recorded a phone call and I wouldn’t even know how to go about it. I know my phone probably has a call-recording function, but unless I’ve got an old tape recorder handy I’m not going to be recording any calls anytime soon. You know what I am really good at? Recording the audio off of TV shows and movies with a tape recorder. When I was a kid, before my family had a VCR, I taped the entire audio of
Poison Ivy, the Michael J. Fox TV movie I mentioned last week, on four audio cassettes. I used to listen to it on my Walkman. In the interest of staying somewhat on-topic, I would sometimes pick up the extension and listen in on my older brother’s phone calls. Once a voyeur, always a voyeur.
7. Have you ever used a webcam or nanny cam to photograph someone secretly?
No.
Since this answer was so brief, here’s a picture of a cute kitten!
8. Have you ever used an infrared camera to photograph someone secretly in the dark?
No. I don’t have any of that equipment. I am not a member of Her Majesty’s Secret Service, and I don’t have Q Branch designing and providing me with high-tech (and presumably expensive) gadgetry that will allow me to scale a sheer cliff face while sipping a martini, kill someone and make it look like an allergic reaction, or spy on people in the dark for the purposes of blackmail or masturbation.
9. Have you ever learned anything important by deliberate eavesdropping?
Yes! Here’s where reading my answers FINALLY pays off! I have learned all sorts of family secrets I wasn’t supposed to know. At family parties my sister and I would split up and listen in on different conversations, and then we would regroup and talk about what we heard. Between the two of us, we would often overhear conflicting or unclear accounts of the same events, and by comparing notes we could usually figure out the truth. By doing this, we learned about affairs and divorces, miscarriages, elopements, suicides, domestic violence, and various other family matters.
10. Do you know how to hot-wire a car?
Oh, I wish! I would have the nicest car in town.
Bonus: Have you ever been paid for your sexual skills? What skill(s) did you perform?
In straight cash? No. But in dinner, movies, and other fringe benefits? Of course. A good blowjob (for the record the only kind I give) once got me a trip to Vegas.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above
TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to
tmituesdayblog from your website!
*I was kidding, people.
As a 24 year-old, I pride myself on not only knowing what an audio cassette is, but still owning a few (even though I have nothing to play them on anymore…) I used to drag my recorder to the TV, too, and record the songs of Disney movies. Ah, memories!
Both your answers to the bonus question made me laugh, well done.
I’m slightly offended by the caption under the photo of the cassette tape. I am 25 years old and I used those things regularly when I was a kid to record music I liked off the radio and My favorite Mariah Carey album was on cassette.
Other than that I was thoroughly amused by your answers. I love Jill’s answers to 4 and 5. I had to stifle a giggle at my desk while reading them.
cute kitty overload!!!
oh man, i am so aching for that new 24 movie to come out, i haven’t had my Jack fix in so long, i’m starting to scratch in places i don’t want to scratch.
i still use tapes to record my Supertapes of a band, i collect just the good songs off all of a band’s albums, cut and paste, and there you have a supertape list of just the good stuff.
i think i just jumped the shark, wink wink…
Great answers. I sadly don’t have any illicit skills and wouldn’t have been able to come up with intelligent answers so I gave this week’s TMI a rest.
I gave Jill a baby and she repaid with a threesome? LOL. And LOL at good bjs being the only ones Jill knows how to give.
You should have included the little one’s ninja skills. I had quite a laugh imagining her creeping up on you while you were having sex during the weekend. And for some extra laughs, I imagined her in a black ninja suit as she did the creeping up on you.
I too need me my next Jack Bauer fix!
I am totally boring on this one.. my imagination was totally shot, which is what I get for posting after midnight. Loved the answers to the bonus questions too funny. Although like Jill I don’t give anything but head blowing bj’s bwhahaha
Great answers. And I appreciate the picture of the kitten.
great fun!
I liked the answer to Number 7
Cuteness always wins the day!!
Great answers all,and I’ve had three kids, where are my 3 threesomes, or even one 9-some……
And the cute kitten is a great addition.
Jack:
#3 – Thank goodness for the beeping smoke detector! I bet you had fun fun fun once access was granted!
#5 – How about a freshly severed thumb for a fingerprint scan?!
#7 – I think I’d like that too. We were once unknowingly listened to for a short time during sex. Once we figured it out, I was super turned on!
Jill:
#2 – I’ve never heard of the magnet part of it…
#4 – Vincent and I use the same passwords for EVERYTHING.
#9 – Awesome!
Hmm. I find it interesting they kept their master bedroom locked in the first place and even had a spare key tucked away.
Brighton Beach? How lovely! 😉
Jack, I love your answer to #9. And #10. That skill is far more useful than being able to hotwire a car. Thankfully it’s also a skill I’m also quite good at. Your bonus answer rocks. And Jill’s response to 8 made me chuckle. However I am under 30 and know well what a cassette tape is. :p
@Jack:
3. Great story. I guess the cosmos felt you need to “earn” the righ to defile the masterbedroom. LOL
4. & 5. LMAO
(don’t kill me)
6. Brilliant. I have never heard of anyone doing this.
7. Who is it that wants to unknowingly observed having sex. Tell her I’ll watch. I would LOVE to do that. Btw…I’m in your closet now…
8. LMAO.
10. Now that’s an Illicit Skill…a really good skill.
Bonus: WOW…that’s some currency.
———————————————–
@Jill:
1. snoop!
Candy…weed, it’s all the same.
2. Reminds of Mission Impossible.
4. That would be very bad 😀
5. Hahahahaha….great answer.
6. You and this Poison Ivy obsession. Stop mentioning it! I don’t want to watch it…quit tempting me.
7. Oh my. Something is wrong with me. I can’t believe I laughed so hard at this…that is, the cute kitten addition.
9. Though what you overhead may not have always been pleasant, this is really cool that you and your sis did this and shared…bonded.
Bonus: That good eh? Makes me wish I had a cock.
Have a great week Jack and Jill,
-H
You guys crack me up! And the photos going along with the story are brilliant. I freaking LOVE JACK— He’s our last hope, don’t you know!!!
…wait…did someone say a 24 movie is coming out?…
And the kitten? So cute and had me giggling.
Now, I wish I had participated this Tues. Good job J&J
So aside from the fact that I guess other people having sex in your bed is weird, why would you lock the master bedroom? I’m still a little stuck on that one. If you feel the need to lock your bedroom when you have people housesit for you, doesn’t that just suggest you should have someone else housesit?
Clearly, my dream is to own a house in which I can install a jacuzzi tub and invite my friends over to “housesit.”
And then let cute kittens loose everywhere.
I adore how you guys answered!! And the cute kitten!!
Jack’s #4 and the kitten… I am crying from laughing.