Two questions in one: if you’re sleeping with someone who’s partner doesn’t know are YOU also cheating, or is the cheating only on your lover’s part? ALSO… can you be ethically non-monogamous if you’re sleeping with someone who is unethically so?
If you are engaged in a sexual relationship with someone whose primary partner is unaware, you are not cheating unless you yourself also have an unwitting primary partner. Given that this was not mentioned in the question, we will assume that this is not the case, and that for all intents and purposes you are unattached.
That being the case, while you are complicit in your lover’s deceit, as a single individual you are not cheating. Our definition of cheating as it pertains to this question is a violation, whether clandestine or otherwise, of any boundaries that govern a relationship. Even in sexually non-monogamous relationships, such boundaries exist; possible boundaries may include but are not limited to emotional fidelity, kissing on the lips, or certain sexual acts reserved only for the primary partner.
Returning to our assumption that you are an unattached individual, no rules or boundaries have been agreed upon as there is no primary relationship; there is only the sexual relationship with the already-attached partner. There are no rules to break or boundaries to be violated. Therefore cheating, based on our aforementioned definition, is impossible.
That is not to say that you are necessarily blameless if you knowingly help your lover violate the boundaries of his or her primary relationship. Obviously everybody has their own set of morals and ethics; we realize that what is acceptable for one individual will not be for another. For some, it is completely ethical to sleep with someone who is attached. After all, the other person is the only one violating a partner’s trust. Additionally, if the other person is determined to cheat, he or she will do so whether with you or with someone else.
For others, however, sleeping with someone whose partner is unaware is just as unethical as actually cheating. It is likely that such a viewpoint stems from society’s tendency to blame an extramarital dalliance on the “other woman” or “other man”, when at least half of the blame – if not more than half – should be placed on the cheating partner. Actually, scratch that last bit. Society should actually get its head out of its ass, realize that someone else’s affair is none of its concern, and quit throwing blame.
Our feeling is that you cannot be ethically non-monogamous if you knowingly sleep with someone who is in a closed relationship, or who is otherwise violating pre-existing boundaries. That is not to say that we have never cheated on a partner, nor that we have never been with someone who we knew was cheating. We can’t even promise that we would never sleep with someone – presumably together – whose partner was unaware. This is not our ideal scenario, however, as we prefer bedmates who are free of attachment. However, we acknowledge that were such a lapse to occur it would constitute unethical behavior on our part. We accept that.
As always, we do not judge, nor do we necessarily condone. We do not wish to pass our feelings off as some manner of sweeping societal norm. Neither do we suggest that our way is the only right way. This is simply our two cents.
If you want to ask us anything, drop us a line on Formspring, or use the handy Formspring widget on the right-hand side of our blog. We like sexy questions! To see who else participated this week, visit Twitter and search for #FormspringFriday!
How do you get such interesting questions on Formspring. I don’t get CRAP on there. This is an interesting question as I have been both the cheated on and the one with the cheater. Long stories both I will have to tell you about later.
wow..that was intense and interesting. I tried to stop “labeling” everything, like cheating, affairs, 3somes, etc. Just gonna enjoy my slut behaviors for now. I will accept the punishment later. Keep up the great posts.
I was interested in seeing what your answer was to this question for kinda selfish reasons I guess. I was wondering if you would turn me away if my intentions with you weren’t completely honorable… I think we have discussed this all previously and we seem to remain on a very similar wave path… as usual, well thought out well written answers. 😉
Great topic, and one that is very relevant.
While Master Michael and I fully agree on ethics we know some folks who are cheating. In the end we have less respect for them, even if we can understand the reasons for doing so.
This is a question that both Jake and I have grappled with very recently.
I have always maintained the view that I will not engage with someone who admits they don’t have the consent of their partner. I have enforced this rule and I will continue to as much as possible. I know that there are some who will lie for their own nefarious ends. I cannot change that and if they choose to lie I will accept the lie until I discover it to be so.
Where things became interesting was when Jake became involved with a woman who is for all intents and purposes cheating on her husband. I was very much against this liason but stopped short of forbidding it. I won’t discuss the reasons for that here because they are complex and I may make a post on this topic myself sometime.
In the end I looked at the situation as closely as possible. I have come to the conclusion that the wronged husband is aware to a point of what is going on and has chosen to ignore it. I have also made it clear to both Jake and his lover that I don’t agree and my reasons for feeling this way but that I feel it is not my problem and as such I refuse to let it bother my conscious. This may be like burying my head in the sand but the alternative is some sleepless nights over something I cannot really change.
Extraordinarily well stated! I hope we never get this question – I could never answer as intelligently and succinctly as you. I love seeing how your mind works.
Generally speaking when I ask questions on Formspring they’re more queries than personal situations, but I think this one was actually a little of both. I think your answers are really fair, reasonable, sensible and true.
At the end of the day, for me, it came down to this. “This is not our ideal scenario, however, as we prefer bedmates who are free of attachment.” It’s terribly self-serving, and in some people’s eyes unethical, that my problem with being complicit to someone’s cheating has nothing to do with their poor significant other; but it’s true: my problem, ultimately, is to do with the pain of being with someone so unavailable.
But that’s just me.