I have a ridiculous libido.  I tend to get aroused the way a thirteen-year-old boy gets aroused:  Often and by virtually anything, or for that matter by nothing at all.  I could climax nine times a day, whether from masturbation or some manner of partnered sexual activity, and I’d still want a tenth, if not an eleventh as well.

Considering the variety of sexual partners I’ve had, I’m fortunate to be married to a woman who can keep up with me.  We are alike not only with regard to the frequency with which we both want sex, but also with regard to our personal limits and the things that turn us on.  Anyone who’s read our blog for an appreciable amount of time should be aware that Jill and I are a good match.

But that’s not to say that we’re always on the same page.  While perusing SexIs, the online magazine of EdenFantasys, I came across an article by Ava Darke, who says that her lack of satisfaction – through no fault of her partner but rather owing to her frequent physiological need of orgasm – has been responsible for many restless nights.  Ms. Darke confesses to having a difficult time sleeping when orgasm doesn’t occur immediately beforehand.


To some extent, I could relate to this; while I’ve never given much thought to the endorphins produced during orgasm, I am aware of the fact that sometimes – perhaps not every night, but relatively often – I prefer to be lulled to sleep by the good feelings brought about by sexual release.  Such was definitely the case Saturday night when, after having sex with Jill and then taking a shower, I got into bed to find my wife asleep.  Feeling horny once again, I knew I wouldn’t be able to just close my eyes and drift off.  I could have masturbated, but Jill was wearing a short T-shirt that showed off her ass, and even barely illuminated by moonlight the sight of her curves reignited my arousal.  I began to kiss and caress her, she woke up, and before long we were enjoying another round that I knew would provide me the high I so urgently wanted.

I usually don’t handle it that way, however.  If Jill and I don’t go to bed at the same time, and I happen to find her sleeping soundly when I come in, I usually just leave her be.  Since becoming parents, restful sleep is rare and precious.  If the baby has acquiesced to Jill’s efforts to put her to bed, and Jill is lucky enough to also be asleep, I’m not going to bother her.  Even though the next morning she might admonish me, might tell me that she’s sorry she missed out, might remind me that I am always welcome to wake her for sex, there is a good chance that I’ll just masturbate.  It’s quick, it’s easy, it satisfies my want of orgasm, and perhaps most important of all, it doesn’t require that I wake her.

Make no mistake, I don’t carry any sort of shame or embarrassment over masturbating in front of Jill.  I’m an unabashed masturbator; I’ll do it in front of pretty much anyone who cares to watch, with the understanding that it’s unlikely to be the greatest show on earth.  Jill enjoys watching; her healthy attitude about sexuality does not require me to hide my self-pleasure, or feel guilty about wanting more orgasms than I probably have time for.

Ms. Darke states that it was her own insecurity, and not any sort of indication that he would be unwilling to watch, that prevented her from masturbating in the presence of her husband.  When she finally initiated a dialogue on the subject, he told her that he would be happy to watch her masturbate.  I realize that there are some individuals who suffer from insecurity so debilitating that watching a partner get off solo would be problematic.  However, I suspect that the overwhelming majority of Americans, at least, would find such a spectacle highly arousing.  I know that I certainly do.

There have been many nights when the proverbial shoe was on the other foot, and I woke to a familiar buzzing sound and found Jill spending quality time with one of her vibrators.  At an earlier stage of our relationship I might have worried that perhaps she waited until I was asleep because she wasn’t comfortable with me watching, or because she was afraid that I would see her self-pleasure as a threat.  But she quickly dissuaded my fears, and now on the occasion that I wake to Jill getting herself off I realize that she, like me, just wants a quick orgasm.  Sometimes I quickly close my eyes and give her some time to herself; after all, if she didn’t wake me, she must have just wanted to have an orgasm and get to sleep.  Other times, though, I offer her some assistance.

My opinions on sex and sexual health are widely known.  I believe the world would be a happier, more easygoing place if people were conditioned to view masturbation – and for that matter sex in general – not as shameful but rather as a normal, healthy activity.  It may be somewhat naive to expect the entire world to adopt a positive stance with regard to masturbation, but I don’t think it’s asking too much for one person to be able to bring it up with his or her trusted sexual partner.  That otherwise openly communicative couples are unwilling or unable to discuss masturbation in the context of a committed, loving relationship is troubling.

Without a free-flowing dialogue on the subject, masturbation is doomed to remain something about which people joke, but do not or cannot discuss seriously.  It is clear that societal attitudes have to change.  The problem is that while the public is to some extent willing to consider sweeping reforms with regard to issues like marriage equality – in which personal freedoms are at stake – few see the marginalization of masturbation as the threat that it really is.

-Jack

This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys.