Jill- you’ve spoken more than once of your abusive past. What is it about JACK that has enabled you to heal in ways you couldn’t on your own? I’m sure you did a certain amount of work on your own. All survivors must, but what about Jack?
(Submitted by Pagan Princess)
For those not in the know, the abusive past referred to in the question involves an incident of forced anal sex by a boyfriend when I was much younger. It’s an unfortunate episode that could have negatively colored my sex life for years thereafter. Fortunately I met and married the man I did, and he helped me to overcome it to the extent that anal sex is currently an aspect of our sexual life that I really enjoy.
So how did Jack help me get through this? Or more accurately, how did we get through this together? Well, first of all he made me so comfortable that I wanted to open up to him and actually talk about the experience. I’m pretty sure I had never told anyone about what had happened, but with Jack there was no hesitation. We discussed it fairly early in our relationship because I realized that I wanted to give anal another shot, and it was important that I make him aware of what had happened beforehand.
Jack is the best lover I’ve ever had, and that’s not just because of the strong emotional connection that I feel with him. No matter what we’re doing, whether he’s fisting me or fucking my ass, he is sure to proceed very slowly and make sure that I am enjoying it. He never takes for granted that the sounds I’m making are sounds of pleasure, as they could easily be a reaction to pain. Ever since our relationship was new, he’s proven himself loving, caring, and very concerned with my feelings. He has never and will never put his own wants and needs above my pleasure and comfort. He doesn’t just want me to be comfortable with whatever we are doing, he wants me to be actively enjoying it, and he does whatever he can to ensure that I am.
Even while he is pushing my sexual boundaries and encouraging me to step outside of my comfort zone, Jack is dilligent about checking in with me to make sure I’m still okay and having a good time. Although I am generally aware of what I like and dislike in the bedroom, Jack realizes that just because I enjoyed a particular experience one day doesn’t mean that I will always enjoy it. He reminds me that I can back out at any time without fear of judgment or resentment. He makes me feel like I can be honest, and he validates me for doing so. With him, I know that I am safe and able to express my feelings.
The kind of hand-holding I describe in the previous paragraph may seem cloying, but sometimes it’s necessary. Obviously I am not a sexual novice and it takes a very extreme situation to cause me any sort of psychological trauma. But the fact that Jack is so aware of my needs and my feelings, and that despite his more dominant nature he is able to demonstrate his caring and gentle side when I need him to, is wonderful and shows just what a perfect match we are.
I need to point out that Jack’s softer side probably has nothing to do with my past. I believe that, deep down, this is simply who he is, and I am confident that he would be this way regardless. At the time that we were newly dating, Jack was still close friends with one of his exes. Though she was quick to sing his praises as a loyal friend, a devoted boyfriend, and an amazing lover, she didn’t have to. The fact that they had remained in touch after their breakup, with no apparent acrimony, told me a lot about the quality of Jack’s character. This, in part, made me realize that I could open up to him, and that he would treat me gently unless I wanted him to treat me rough.
– Jill
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Jill, I had never known about your forced anal sex incident. The guy is a scumbag and I have had a similar incident happen to me, I was trying anal sex with a guy and advised him to take it easy, let it happen naturally. No such luck, he literally pounded it in, the pain was excruciating and I actually screamed out in pain, punched him in the nose and sent him on my way.
I really do feel your pain, more than literally.
But you are right to feel proud and not let it turn you of anal sex forever, as we both know, it can be tremendously enjoyable.
Jill, you are a lucky woman to have a guy like Jack!
Jack, Kuddos to you for helping her overcome this incident.