Other than your current partner, who have you learned the most from about sex?
(Submitted by Cougar in Training)
Jack’s Answer
This was a difficult question for me to answer. I’m not trying to boast when I say that in most of my sexual relationships I was, for lack of a better word, the Alpha. I was older than most of my partners. I was typically the dominant one. I was sometimes (though not always or even necessarily most of the time) the more sexually experienced one. And most importantly, I was much more knowledgeable. Again, I don’t say this as some sort of badge of honor, some means of building myself up. It is simply the truth. During late childhood and early adolescence, I read extensively about human sexuality. It was something in which I had much interest, and out of a desire to know as much as possible I would often check out books on the subject from our local libraries.
As a result, I was often more knowledgeable than my partners, most of whom were perhaps less-versed in the intricacies of sex than I was. While I have been with quite a few women who I’d classify as kinky or at least open-minded, I was generally the one who came up with new things to try, suggesting variations beyond what might be considered standard. This may speak volumes about the pool from which I chose my bedmates; college classrooms, stuffy office jobs, and the like were pretty much all I had to choose from in the 1990s and early 2000s. Had I been using Twitter at the time – had it even existed – I might have quite a story to tell, possibly involving a forty-something professor of Human Sexuality who during our brief but intense fling introduced me to non-monogamy and let me flog her during a Kinbaku session at a local BDSM club.
On the one hand, I’m inclined to say that I learned most of what I know about sex from the local library, specifically from such personalities as Alex Comfort, David Reuben, and Masters and Johnson. On the other hand, when it comes to sex, personal experience obviously trumps just about anything found in a book. If I had to choose a former lover I’d likely go with a friend with benefits from my college days circa the late 1990s. She was confident and sex-positive, though neither of us thought to use that term back then; and she challenged my notions of what sex was. She was the first woman I’d ever masturbated in front of, as unlike some of my previous lovers she regarded it as an enticing display of virility. Additionally, she was one of the first women to express to me an interest in BDSM, the first woman to express an interest in non-monogamy as anything beyond a fantasy, and the first woman I ever fisted to the point of ejaculation.
Admittedly, my sexual experience was limited at this point. I’d been with less than ten women, and most were rather reserved and/or insecure. And while the women I’ve been with since have helped me experience the relative boundlessness of human sexual expression in ways that this person did not, I still look back with fondness upon my experiences with her.
Jill’s Answer
Although all of my partners have contributed to my sexual knowledge and experience in some way, I would have to say that I learned the most from a fuck buddy I slept with for two years. I’ve written about this guy before, but if you don’t know who I’m talking about, he was a friend of my boyfriend. In fact, he treated me way better than my boyfriend did, so I eventually jumped ship.
Simply put, this fuck buddy was unlike any guy I’d ever had sex with. He made me feel sexy and sensual. He adored my body and couldn’t keep his hands off of me when we were together. He was the first person I ever masturbated in front of in person (as opposed to on a webcam). He got so much pleasure out of watching me pleasure myself, and because of this I became much more aware of my body. It made me happy to know that I was putting on a good show for him, and in the process I learned what kinds of sensations I liked. He was also the first guy that licked my pussy to orgasm. No one up to that point cared enough, I guess, to spend the necessary time getting me off. Usually they would go down on me just enough to get me excited, then stop and fuck me. But this guy ate my pussy like it was the only sustenance he needed. He was so amazing with his mouth, and loved to make me cum. I would regularly have multiple orgasms with him (not just orally), and when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, that’s when he would give me just enough to push me over the edge.
He was also the first person I had sex with in public. That’s when I first realized that I was turned on by exhibitionism, and the possibility of being watched, or even caught in the act. While the sex was great, the hint of danger made it better than it had ever been. To this day, I am really turned on by showing off. I’ve performed for friends in person, but I usually do it on Skype. Whether I am getting fucked by Jack, or just masturbating, I love having an audience, and I owe this guy many thanks for helping me figure that out. In fact, I fondly recall the time I was having sex with him in his bedroom and his roommate came in and masturbated right next to me. This was my first experience with a live audience, and it was fucking hot.
While I’ve definitely learned more about sex and about myself from Jack than I have from anybody else, had I not had a two-year relationship with this fuck buddy, I don’t know that I would have been the same person I was when I met Jack, and I question whether he and I would be together today.
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I read a lot about sex when I was younger, too. Wanted to be prepared LOL. Pretty sure the first thing I read was Sex for Dummies by Doctor Ruth. Haven’t done much reading on the subject in awhile because I don’t count articles in magazines!
In more recent years I just pepper friends with questions. At least those with whom I have that kind of relationship. Good to learn about others’ experiences. And joining TMI has been a good education in life as well.
I have a question – What is your limit, what line of sexual gratification do you refuse to do?
Our limits are still evolving. We tend to figure them out as we go. The one hard limit of which we are certain (at least, we think we are) is not sexual in nature but rather emotional. We’re not polyamorous, and we’re not looking to fall in love with anyone else. That is not to say that anything else is necessarily fair game, but as of right now emotional love is the one thing we refuse to explore with someone outside our relationship.
– Jack