A much-needed several-day threesome at the end of the month to which Jill and I (and presumably our third) were very much looking forward fell through for various reasons.  This development is twice as disappointing because a follow-up threesome in Vegas that we had planned for July has apparently also fallen through.

We’ll still be in Vegas of course; we’re going there because Jill has a seminar she’s attending, and while she’s busy with work-related matters I was hoping to spend my days playing with our friend before Jill joined us in the afternoon.  Now it looks like I’ll have to find something to do with my clothes on.

So why did it fall through?  Several reasons, though our friend’s inability to incur the travel costs was perhaps the biggest one.  Whether she would have flown or driven out to see us, it would have been a few hundred dollars easy.  So her reservations to that end are quite understandable; it’s not like we’ve got cash to spend on elective travel.

Beyond that, our friend’s marriage is open to a much larger degree than our own.  She’s got numerous partners, all of them presumably a short distance from her home.  Certainly a much shorter distance than she’d have to travel to see us, anyway.  At the risk of sounding like we’re downplaying our own value, why would she hop a plane to come see us?

It occurred to me that we don’t have much to offer an out-of-town play partner, certainly not enough to recommend the trip.  Yes, we both know our way around a woman’s body and we are quite skilled at giving pleasure as a team.  Yes, orgasms are all but guaranteed when you’re with us.  Yes, we’ve had great times with the few friends who did find themselves in our area.  But realistically if you’re in a position where you can play openly you’re not coming out here for the purpose of fooling around with us.

Why would anyone drop a huge chunk of cash on airfare or gas to get laid by relative strangers hundreds if not thousands of miles away?  It’s just not feasible, not when there are countless people in your own area who are more accessible, and who can be vetted extensively beforehand.  Unless you travel for business – which is how most of the experiences we’ve had occurred – it’s not happening.  Most of our sexy friends are, like us, far from rich.

Putting all of your hope into something only to have it fall through sucks.  Of course, I acknowledge that such a possibility is a part of playing the game.  The problem is that for us, such opportunities are far too uncommon.  They come along once in a very great while, and we simply need more of them.  That way if half of the opportunities fall through, who cares?  We still have the half that didn’t.

Obviously the solution is to play locally.  By doing so we eradicate the whole travel-budget-and-schedule problem, which is always a huge headache.  We also don’t have to make a deal with Satan in order to find someone who’ll watch your kid for an entire weekend.  Hell, finding an overnight is difficult enough.

Unfortunately playing locally provides its own built-in problem:  Discretion.  Being outed would have dire consequences for Jill (and by extension myself as well), both personally and professionally.  Her career would be over.  She’s a professional who works with children.  We live in a society that views even vanilla sex as a taboo.  I think you see where this is going.

Also Jill’s extended family is vast.  Her mother’s side alone has more than five hundred members.  They are everywhere, like a secret society.  That may sound like a cop-out or an excuse, but it isn’t.  I run into someone from Jill’s family on a weekly basis:  An aunt, a sibling, a cousin.  Factor in neighbors, family friends, siblings’ friends, co-workers and former co-workers and it’s like we’re living under the watchful eye of Big Brother.

Obviously I don’t give a fuck about any of that for my own sake.  I’m self-employed and most of my clientele has no idea what I look like, let alone whether I’m out with someone who isn’t my wife.  I don’t even care if my wife’s siblings think I’m a serial cheater and/or a womanizer, as long as Jill doesn’t.  Hell, I know at least one of her siblings already does.

Anyway, I am neither a serial cheater nor a womanizer.  I take my marriage and the needs of my wife very seriously, and I don’t view women as objects.  Jill and I are happy with our relationship and the boundaries we have set, evolving though they may be.  But I can’t imagine the shitstorm Jill would have to weather if our non-monogamous tendencies became public knowledge.  Even beyond her career, it would be a disaster.  Not weathering it isn’t an option.  She’d have to deal with the backlash.

It would affect her relationship with her parents and her siblings, her aunts and uncles, and her friends.  I accept this.  Make no mistake, they’re all wonderful people.  I like having them in my life.  But I can’t imagine them not assuming the worst and hating me for it, and for that matter losing respect for my wife.  They might even advise her to divorce me.  Obviously she wouldn’t, but still, I don’t want to put her in that position.

I could theoretically play alone; Jill has given me the go-ahead to do so.  But it would heighten the stakes with regard to discovery by her family .  Being outed as a non-monogamous couple would be bad enough in their eyes.  But were I spotted having a drink with another woman in the context of a date it would confirm any suspicions they might have about me.  However, there would be less risk for Jill professionally.  Were I spotted having a drink with another woman, in the eyes of her co-workers I’m just another cheating scumbag and poor Jill.

On some level, I feel like playing alone betrays the fact that we’ve always practiced non-monogamy for the furtherance of our relationship.  That is not to say that those who play separately do not do so for the furtherance of our relationship.  That’s just how Jill and I rationalize the boundaries we’ve set for ourselves.  But I honestly have no problem playing alone.  I like one-on-one intimacy with women; I am able to focus on the other person fully, and since there is no threat to my primary relationship my wife has nothing to fear.

The thing is, I have played alone and it’s worked out fine.  But the more it happens, the more likely I suppose I am to, say, set up an awkward date with someone who turns out to be Jill’s cousin’s best friend.  Once something along those lines happens, it is effectively the Apocalypse.  In this age of social media and near-instantaneous communication there will be no containing it.  At that point Jill and I are both pretty much fucked.

My sole option seems to be to stop seeking out non-monogamy altogether.  Not on Twitter.  Not on Fetlife.  Not anywhere.  That means no looking for threesomes.  No playing solo.  No flirting, because I can’t let flirting just be flirting.  If I could manage this there’d be far less disappointment.  And then if a sexy friend does come out to play with us, it’ll be a wonderful, unexpected treat, something on which Jill and I can look back fondly.

The thing is, I know the occasional threesome or other episode of non-monogamy will only make me want it all the time.  It’s not like eating a meal; my need to touch other women, to see them naked, and to be inside them is nowhere near as finite in its capacity as is my stomach.  It’s just the way I am.  This only furthers the notion that I need more non-monogamy, not less.  To have less is to be incomplete.

This shit is hard-wired into my DNA.  The thought of turning it off is akin to changing my species.  Thus it may ultimately prove a moot point, because I’m not sure I can actually manage it.  I guess we’ll see.