This week on TMI Tuesday let’s talk sexual expectations or…
Jack’s Answers
1. What are some challenges related to your sex life?
The only real challenges, or more accurately obstacles, to our sex life come in the form of an unfortunate lack of both time and energy. As you are no doubt aware, we are the parents of an extremely rambunctious young girl. She doesn’t nap, barely sleeps at night, and while she is fully capable of the sort of independence one would expect of a child her age, she likes nothing more than to be in the same room as Jill and I. Some evenings, by the time she has finally fallen asleep for the night and Jill and I have handled all of the standard housekeeping matters – house tidied up, dinner dishes washed, laundry done, everything prepared for the following day – there is neither time nor energy left for sex. That’s not to say that we don’t make it a priority; to compensate for the lack of late-night shenanigans we sometimes have sex early in the morning before our daughter is awake, or else in the late afternoon or early evening while she’s distracted with books or television. But Jill and I would still like to finish our day with sex as well. At the very least, however, we live in the same house. At various points in our relationship we lived far apart. That is infinitely worse.
2. Is quality or quantity most important?
Definitely quantity over quality. Before you jeer my answer, let me elaborate: I don’t think I’ve ever had bad sex. That’s not a boast; while I’ve certainly played a role in all of the good sex I’ve had over the years, my claim is more of a statement about the quality of my partners than of myself, and I hope that they would say the same of me if asked. Therefore, quality isn’t as important to me as it might be to some. As long as my partner wants to be there, and as long as the situation is somewhat intimate and pleasurable, that’s quality as far as I’m concerned; to me, having sex with a partner beats not having sex with a partner any day. And while I’ve had relatively indifferent sex, or sex where I really wasn’t that into the other person, I wouldn’t classify it as bad. In almost all cases I’ve just been grateful to be invited to the party, so to speak.
Especially if there’s ice cream!
3. How much sex is enough?
I don’t know, but I haven’t reached my max yet.
4. I want to have more _____ .
Variety with regard to my sexual partners. Flirting with women without any explicit expectation of sex. Opportunities to see women I know naked. Long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Intimacy that doesn’t necessarily lead to orgasm. Midday masturbation sessions. Ice cream.
Am I turning you on?
5. I would like to attempt new sex positions such as _____ .
I thought about coming up with a smart-assed answer to this question, i.e. a hypothetical, implausible position with a ridiculous name and an overly elaborate description that can only be achieved by invertebrates. But then I decided to play it straight. The truth is that Jill and I probably rely on a half-dozen separate positions in the typical non-rushed sex session. We have been known to utilize others on occasion, when the mood strikes us and we fancy something a bit different. Having said that – and unable to speak for my wife – I have no pressing need to try any specific new position, but I will gladly do so when one comes to our attention.
6. I would like to stop doing _____ sex position.
Obviously the position of the blank precludes me from giving as in-depth an answer as I would like to give. I mean, I could say “the spastic crane” or “the hiccoughing Wookiee”, if these were actual sex positions, but again, the wording of the question and the placement of the blank doesn’t permit me to elaborate on exactly what the position entails. It’s a moot point; there are no positions in which I regularly engage that I would like to stop. We admittedly do not regularly utilize the sort of positions that exist mainly to impress visually but are not practical for sex; those in which we do regularly engage, while typical, never fail to satisfy.
Nor does ice cream.
7. To me foreplay means _____ .
Foreplay means a hopefully extended and period of leisurely, unfocused (and often not goal-driven) stimulation and pleasure not limited only to the physical realm. Foreplay can be mental and emotional as well, and often should be. While writing this response, I decided to do a Google search for “foreplay definition” just to see how the professionals define it. One of the first results was from Urban Dictionary, and included the following:
The act of sexually arousing your lover before you partake in having sex. The fore is derrived [sic] from before. Usually the woman initiates it by either giving the man a handjob or a blowjob.
I have no words.
8. Something I think about a lot related to sex is _____ .
How to have more of it with other people.
Bonus: Tell us something you love about your sex life.
Honestly, I’m just grateful that I have one.
Jill’s Answers
1. What are some challenges related to your sex life?
Time is probably the biggest challenge for me. Energy too, I guess, but that’s directly related to the lack of time. Also, and I don’t mean this to sound as mean as it’s probably going to sound, but our daughter being around is a huge challenge. And my in-laws, who frequently stay with us. They tend to walk into our room with little warning, or even just knocking on the bedroom door when it’s clear that we don’t want to be disturbed. And they make a hell of a lot of noise just outside of our bedroom. I realize it’s not that large a house, but go play somewhere else, please.
2. Is quality or quantity most important?
I’d love to have both, and sometimes we do manage to have both. But if I had to choose one over the other, I’d definitely opt for quality. Quantity is nice, but I don’t want a lot of lousy sex. I’d rather have a little great sex. I don’t want pain. I don’t want awkwardness. I don’t want stress, like the kind that comes with worrying that someone’s going to come barging in.
This is exactly what it’s like.
3. How much sex is enough?
I don’t think it’s ever enough. Even when our daughter was much younger and would regularly nap, and Jack and I were sometimes having sex twice a day five or more days a week, it was never enough. I guess when I’m sore or tired or in desperate need of sleep, maybe that’s enough. But I’ve never actually told a partner, or at least a partner who was good at it, “That’s plenty, thanks.” I’ve said that I’m satisfied, but I’ve never thought, “Okay, I can stop now. No more of that for today, please.” Usually when I do want to stop, it’s only reluctantly because I need sleep.
This is probably too much sex.
4. I want to have more _____ .
Orgasms. I always want more orgasms. And head. I can’t get enough of that. Wouldn’t mind more hot makeout sessions, especially with women. It’s been awhile since I’ve had one of those. Actually if I could combine all three of these things that would be perfect.
5. I would like to attempt new sex positions such as _____ .
Something involving a swing. I’ve never used one of those, and I think it could be fun. Jack and I have sex in a lot of positions, and there isn’t a lot that we enjoy that we don’t already do regularly. Maybe if I was a bit thinner we could manage some new positions, but our sex life isn’t sufficiently lacking that I’m going to go on a crash diet or something.
6. I would like to stop doing _____ sex position.
Being interrupted? Does that count as a sex position? If so, I’d like to stop doing that one immediately. Seriously, though, there aren’t any positions that I really dislike. If there was one, I would have informed Jack before now and we would have stopped. I don’t need to use this blog to inform him that, say, cowgirl just isn’t doing it for me. (Note: It totally is.)
7. To me foreplay means _____ .
Cuddling. Kissing. Touching. Getting my clit sucked. Getting fisted. For me, it’s anything that’s not penetrative (i.e. penis-in-vagina) sex. It doesn’t matter if these activities lead to or include orgasm. For some reason I consider anything that doesn’t involve penetrative intercourse (but rather precedes it) to be foreplay.
Not to be confused with “for play”.
8. Something I think about a lot related to sex is _____ .
I regularly think about pretty much all areas of sex, whether I’m actively fantasizing or just daydreaming. I think about kissing and heavy petting. Someone touching my clit. Sucking cock. Sucking cocks. Fisting. Having my G-spot stimulated. I think about lying in afterglow, my chest rising and falling with each breath. I remember past experiences and how good they felt. I imagine how exquisite the next time will be. Often this line of thinking will lead to more, or at least to masturbation.
Bonus: Tell us something you love about your sex life.
I love that I get to have lots of orgasms. Jack is a very generous lover, easily the most thoughtful and caring I’ve ever had. He always makes sure that I’m totally satisfied, and sometimes he will put his own orgasm on hold to give me a couple more just because he can tell that I’m getting close. Sometimes when we’re rushed, it means he won’t get to come at all.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
You’re hilarious! I mean Jill of course. Oh, the many times Jack has described that SWAT team in the hallway scenario by tweet (usually a string of exasperated tweets). But your picture fills in any missing details that remained.
Hey Jack, you should probably contribute to Urban Dictionary on that foreplay thing. Thx.
I think it’s crap how Urban Dictionary defines on what a female can do to a male. Such utter crap.
As always, very interesting to read. I think kids are such a challenge to a healthy sex life. My friend has a sign over her bedroom door that says: “We interrupt this marriage to bring you kids”.