We’ve all been there: You’re talking to a sexy female friend and things are getting steamy. Doesn’t matter whether you’re texting, instant-messaging, speaking over the phone, or standing face-to-face as you’re stripping off each other’s clothes in a fit of fevered passion. Everything she says – or types – is tantalizing and erotic, and with each word your arousal builds until it reaches an intense, shattering crescendo. Or until she says something so off-putting that you consider just hanging up, walking out, or smashing your phone and lighting the remnants on fire (as the situation dictates).

You: I want to caress your breasts as I kiss your lips.
Her: Mmmmm yes baby. I’m so turned on right now.
You: I want to pinch your nipples between my fingers until they’re so hard.
Her: Meanwhile I’ve got your cock in my hand and I’m stroking it.
You: I want to slowly kiss my way down your neck…
Her: Can’t wait to get that big cock inside of me. I’m touching my clit for you.
You: …then over your collarbone and down to your breasts.
Her: I wish your cock was in my mouth right now. I want to swallow your cum.
You: Imagine my lips closing over your nipples, first one and then the other.
Her: I’m soaking wet right now. It’s dripping out of my crack.
You: No. Just no.

“Crack” is one of those terms that I might come across while reading internet porn purportedly written by a woman, and immediately come to the conclusion that the author is actually male, because when applied to the vagina, “crack” is a word so arguably unfeminine, so unsexy, and so downright fucking grotesque that the thought of a woman using it to refer to the most intimate part of her body is anathema to everything I have ever believed to be true about the universe.

I realize that my previous paragraph betrays my prejudices and assumptions about what I believe to be feminine and sexy.  I am far from the standard-bearer of femininity, so I’ll defer to my readership:  Do any of the ladies reading this seriously use the word “crack” to refer to their vagina?  I hope not.  No offense intended if you do.  Your usage of the word in this fashion doesn’t mean I don’t still want to fuck you.  I most certainly still do.  But when we’re deep into it, whether “it” is a sexy conversation or a sweaty round of penetrative sex, if you do say “crack” when what you mean is “vagina” – or pussy, cunt, etc. – my cock is going to retract into my body cavity like a turtle hiding from predators inside its shell.

I mean, seriously:  How weird and offensive does a term have to be in order for me to consider “cunt” more acceptable for general use?  I don’t find “cunt” particularly offensive myself, but I realize that at least in the United States, it’s a pretty loaded word, one often used by narrow-minded misogynists who’ve given up on their hopes of ever getting laid and decided instead to put women “in their place” or otherwise hurt them by hurling profanity at them.  I note that, in a list of slang terms for the vagina that I found online while researching this post, “cunt” was the only one categorized as “vulgar”.  Thus it is a word I do not use while talking dirty unless I’m sure the other party won’t take offense.  Anyway, I prefer “pussy”.

But still, “crack”? It’s a vagina. It’s soft, sweet, and fragrant.  It’s gentle and pretty.  I fail to see any resemblance between a vagina and an accidental, jagged break in glass, wood, concrete, or some other material that typically won’t yield without a strong, decisive impact. Actually, now that I think of it, that sounds kind of hot.  I’ve made many a vagina yield with a strong, decisive impact, though I wouldn’t say that I cracked it, exactly.  Once I made my exit, said vaginas resumed their pre-penetration configuration.

Once something is cracked, it’s broken, isn’t it? Imagine you’ve cracked a plate or a glass. It’s probably no longer safe to use at that point, and it’s certainly not going back the way it was without Superglue. Even then, it’s never going to be the same, and you should probably just toss it and get another one.  And that’s not to say that I in any way consider women disposable after I’ve fucked them. Far from it. I hope that my writing and tweets up to this point have made clear that I have nothing but respect for women in general.  That’s probably why I don’t believe “crack” to be the best choice of word to describe the vagina.  Certainly not the sexiest or most flattering, anyway.

Is it any worse than the multitude of terms that people (read: men) sometimes use to refer to the vagina, such as “snatch”, “muff”, or “beaver”? Is it worse than such awkwardly inoffensive expressions as “hoo-hoo”, “flower”, or “kitty”? Or such frankly ridiculous gems as “vertical smile”, “bearded clam”, or “beef curtains”? Seriously – what the fuck, people?  Is the pre-requisite for inventing sex-related slang terminology being thirteen years old and aspiring to the maturity level of an overgrown frat boy who refuses to graduate college lest he have to get a real job?  Anyway, I don’t know if “crack” is worse than any of these, really. It just turns me off.

Let’s be honest:  “Crack” isn’t even sexy when we use in the only acceptable fashion that relates to the human body, i.e. to describe the cleft in someone’s ass.  When someone hears the expressions “butt crack”, “ass crack”, or “the crack of [one’s] ass”, they immediately think of the plumber who came to fix their toilet that one time and left his belt at home.  In fact, “plumber’s crack” is an expression used to describe the phenomenon of somebody – usually male – whose pants won’t stay all the way up.

For me, though, when I hear “crack” I think of Dan Aykroyd in that “Nerds” sketch that aired on Saturday Night Live in 1978. If we’re talking, texting, instant messaging, or whatever, and you refer to your vagina as a crack, I’m going to picture Aykroyd working on the old Norge while Bill Murray and Gilda Radner laugh uproariously behind his back.

I should mention that I’ve always been turned off by “slit” as well. To me, a slit is a violent offensive maneuver performed against someone’s throat in a horror movie. For years, it ranked right alongside such utterly ghastly terms as “gash” and, yes, “crack”.  To some extent, it still does.  Still, in spite of every instinct I possess there have been instances wherein I’ve managed to be turned on when a woman has used it while talking dirty to me.  Understand that I was turned on despite the fact that the term was used, not because of it.  “Slit” is far from my favorite slang term for the vagina, but I suppose that a woman using the term for herself, owning it even, and showing that she’s turned on by it, gives me permission to be turned on as well.  While a guy using such a shitty expression to refer to a woman’s vagina, or to a woman, would have me rolling my eyes, unfriending him on Facebook, or checking his criminal record, I find it slightly less off-putting when a woman says it.

But “crack”? Never gonna happen. Ha. Butt crack.