Get real. Spill. It’s TMI Tuesday!

How’s it going–you know, your relationship?

Jack’s Answers

1. How did you realize an important relationship (romantic, friendship, business) was over? What was the pivotal moment or statement?
When I was a teenager, my first real romantic relationship came to a head the Labor Day Weekend after I graduated high school when my soon-to-be ex-girlfriend confessed that she’d cheated on me. We’d drifted somewhat apart that summer as we left high school behind and prepared for new adventures, but despite the distance I was confident in our relationship. Or at least, I was until she told me she’d had sex with someone else. I broke up with her on the spot. Ironically, I had cheated on her more than a year earlier, and she never found out. I was such a bastard back then.

2. Relationship strategy–do you have one? Share.
My general-purpose strategy for any relationship, regardless of type, is to bring more positivity to the other party than negativity. Doesn’t matter if it’s my wife, an ongoing sexual relationship, a platonic friend I’ve known for decades, or a client. And it should be explicitly stated that I expect reciprocity, and I may bail on the relationship if I don’t get it.

3. Name two things you appreciate about your current relationship. Why are these things significant? (If not currently in a relationship, feel free to refer to your best relationship)
One thing I appreciate about my current relationship with Jill is the fact that she loves me enough to put up with my foibles. I can’t imagine I’m the easiest guy to live with (though I’m undoubtedly an amazing guy to fuck and leave), and yet somehow she finds that the good outweighs the bad. Another thing I appreciate is the freedom I experience being married to her. I’m not just talking about the freedom that comes with being in an open relationship; I’m talking more about the ability to tell her without much notice that a friend has invited me out for drinks, or the fact that she never looks over my shoulder to see who I’m texting. She wouldn’t dream of, say, checking my emails (good luck sifting through all that spam!) or otherwise invading my privacy to see if I’m talking to someone I shouldn’t be. And I’ve dated people who would have! I’m so glad my single days ended before I had a smartphone.

4. In your relationship, do you compromise:
a. a little
b. never – I usually get my way
c. too much, it helps keep the peace
I was disappointed to see that there was no option for “exactly the right amount”. Because I do make compromises, and while I am willing to defer in order to keep the peace, I also enjoy getting my way. But in my marriage it doesn’t seem like it’s one-sided at all. We both make compromises as necessary, and often meet in the middle. I’ll go with (a), a little, even though I never really think of it in terms of quantity.

5. If you went to couple’s therapy, which of these are you most likely to have a need to discuss:
a. My significant other feels more like a roommate.
b. Sex is uncomfortable.
c. My partner doesn’t know what I like in bed.
d. “Forget sex! We barely touch.”
None of these options seem like something either of us would say. We don’t feel like roommates; we regularly experience sex and romance. Sex is comfortable for both of us, and we seem very tuned-in to the other’s needs. After all that, clearly it’s not going to be (d). I’m guessing if we went to couple’s therapy we’d probably just boast about how much better our sex life is than the therapist’s.

Bonus: Below is a list of extreme sports. You must pick one sport to try. Why would you do that sport?
1. skydiving
2. volcano diving
3. zip-lining through a jungle
4. bungee jumping
Skydiving. It’s something I wanted to do when I was younger, but never did. Once I was married with a child and a mortgage and such, I experienced periods of depression when I desperately wanted to feel something. I considered that Skydiving would provide a much-needed jolt, but ironically I felt as though I couldn’t indulge this need as if I died, who’d help Jill raise my daughter?

Jill’s Answers

1. How did you realize an important relationship (romantic, friendship, business) was over? What was the pivotal moment or statement?
I don’t have any specific examples, but typically a romantic relationship is over when I realize that either my feelings or theirs have changed. I don’t get that feeling of excitement or butterflies when I see the other person. Or else they have pulled back and become less available or less caring. With a friendship, it’s usually when what is important in the relationship is gone. We have moved on, grown, or no longer see eye to eye. As with a romantic relationship, it’s a feeling of pulling away. In either case, we no longer see things the same way, or value the same things.

2. Relationship strategy–do you have one? Share.
My relationship strategy is to be the most positive influence I can be in their life. This usually entails being caring, loving, and honest. Essentially, I want to leave the other person better than when I found them.

3. Name two things you appreciate about your current relationship. Why are these things significant? (If not currently in a relationship, feel free to refer to your best relationship)
One thing I value is communication. It’s taken me a very long time to ask for what I need and to feel that I’m entitled to ask. I have always been a giver and not one to ask for help. Jack has been amazingly patient as I’ve worked through this. I also appreciate having a husband who is truly willing to put my needs and happiness ahead of his own. This makes me want to do the same for him, typically by taking risks and moving outside of my comfort zone to give him what he needs. (Yes, I’m talking about non-monogamy.)

4. In your relationship, do you compromise:
a. a little
b. never – I usually get my way
c. too much, it helps keep the peace
I feel that I used to compromise too much, and then I would feel uncomfortable. Now, however, I think my answer is (a), as I have learned to communicate better and vocalize what I want and need.

5. If you went to couple’s therapy, which of these are you most likely to have a need to discuss:
a. My significant other feels more like a roommate.
b. Sex is uncomfortable.
c. My partner doesn’t know what I like in bed.
d. “Forget sex! We barely touch.”
None of these describe my relationship. If I were to talk to a therapist, though, I’d probably ask for more help with communication. While I have gotten much better at communicating than I have been in the past, it’s a constant balance of each partner’s needs. I might also ask for help working on a positive body image.

Bonus: Below is a list of extreme sports. You must pick one sport to try. Why would you do that sport?
1. skydiving
2. volcano diving
3. zip-lining through a jungle
4. bungee jumping
Definitely skydiving! I love the idea of being in freefall.

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