Hello. Time for another edition of TMI Tuesday…

Dates, Mates & Relationships

Jack’s Answers

1. Which of these are you most often guilty of in a relationship:
a. jealousy
b. not apologizing
c. not keeping your word
d. guilt trips
I’m not sure whether I’m really guilty of any of these. I don’t say that to make myself sound better than I actually am; I’m just not sure that any of these really apply. I don’t feel jealousy often; I feel completely confident that no one is going to come between my wife and myself. If anything, I am more likely to feel envy; when Jill absconds with a lover for a few days, I wish I had more time to do the same. But I don’t feel jealousy. Likewise, when I screw up I am quick to take responsibility and apologize. I am a man of my word and I place a very high premium on honesty both from myself, and from others. So maybe guilt trips? I don’t think that’s something I really do, though. I try not to be passive-aggressive or manipulative. However, in the interest of moving on to the second question, I’ll say D, guilt trips.

2. Which of the following behaviors would annoy you most in a partner.
a. fishing for compliments by verbalizing self-doubt
b. passive-aggressive behavior
c. usually forgets important dates i.e., birthday, anniversary
d. making you feel guilty when spending time with friends
Probably A, fishing for compliments by verbalizing self-doubt. I don’t really have any partners who do this, and those who do verbalize their self-doubt may not be fishing for compliments. I guess this annoys me somewhat because I have platonic friends who do it excessively (in my opinion), and when I do offer a reassuring compliment it never seems to work. This is not unlike the phenomenon wherein a friend asks for advice, and once it’s given they completely ignore it.

3. Consider you are looking for a mate, rank these traits in order of importance, with 1 being most important, and 7 being least important.
___ Kindness
___ Honesty
___ Ambitious
___ Confidence
___ Reliable
___ Assertive
___ Sense of Humor
Honesty, kindness, reliable, sense of humor, confidence, ambitious, assertive. Hey, why are some of these items nouns, and some of them adjectives? Shouldn’t they all agree?

4. Score! You exchanged numbers with a hottie. Now you: (pick one)
a. Wait for a week, see if that person calls you first.
b. Call the next day if not sooner.
c. Call and text incessantly. Let them know they’ve made an impression.
d. You’d never call. What if you get rejected?
B, Call the next day if not sooner. I think that despite the so-called “rules” of dating that require one to wait a certain amount of time, one must be true to oneself; I don’t subscribe to such rules, and do what feels right for me. Any potential partner who thinks this is socially incorrect probably wouldn’t have been a good match anyway. Make no mistake, I’m not one to bombard someone with incessant calls or texts unless we are already in a relationship and the other person has indicated that she would like that level of contact; even then I doubt I’d call or text incessantly. Seems a bit much to me. But if I’m into someone, I’m not going to spend a week pretending I’m not.

5. How did you handle your last relationship break up?
a. You’ve never been in a relationship before. The timing’s never been right.
b. You went out and got drunk every night, until you forgot everything.
c. You went out on a massive amount of date, even with people you knew you had no interest, making sure to date a new face every night.
d. You felt bad and cried, but bounced back in a couple of days.
I believe my last breakup, which was quite a long time ago, involved C, going out on a massive amount of dates, making sure to date a new face every night. Okay, that’s probably not exactly accurate, but it’s the closest option to reality. When a relationship ended I generally charged back into the field, looking to take my mind off of the situation with, ideally, a lot of meaningless sex. Sometimes I was successful and other times I wasn’t. While I may have been sad over the loss – though not in the case of my last breakup – I didn’t want to dwell, or even really acknowledge it. I was in my twenties then, and not nearly as comfortable with the idea of showing emotion as I am now.

Bonus: Would you take a holiday all by yourself, at the ‘spur of the moment’? Why or Why not? Where would you go?
My instinct is to choose a city where one of my lovers lives, because sex is my main motivation for everything, and has been for decades. However, part of me thinks a wiser course of action might be to find a quiet, secluded cabin somewhere. No destination in mind, just a place where I can relax, write, and enjoy some peace and quiet. I don’t get to experience that nearly enough, and I find that although my wife and my child are the center of my world, I enjoy occasional periods of solitude.

Jill’s Answers

1. Which of these are you most often guilty of in a relationship:
a. jealousy
b. not apologizing
c. not keeping your word
d. guilt trips
A. Jealousy. As hard as I work on this, I still struggle with it. However, I have come a very long way. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have imagined I’d have ever let go of as much jealousy as I have. It wasn’t easy getting to this point, but I’m glad that I did. As for the other options, I probably apologize too much for things I didn’t do or have no control over. I strive to keep my word, and the only circumstances under which I’m likely to break it is if I forget somehow, and in that case I typically feel guilty and work hard to make it up to the person I affected. I definitely try not to put a guilt trip on anyone, though I’m sure I’m occasionally guilty of this.

2. Which of the following behaviors would annoy you most in a partner.
a. fishing for compliments by verbalizing self-doubt
b. passive-aggressive behavior
c. usually forgets important dates i.e., birthday, anniversary
d. making you feel guilty when spending time with friends
B. Passive-aggressive behavior. I sometimes struggle with trying to figure out what the other person wants or needs. I tend to ask outright when I think they are trying to send me a passive-aggressive message, and I do my best to convey that I don’t enjoy it.

3. Consider you are looking for a mate, rank these traits in order of importance, with 1 being most important, and 7 being least important.
___ Kindness
___ Honesty
___ Ambitious
___ Confidence
___ Reliable
___ Assertive
___ Sense of Humor
In order: Kindness, honesty, reliable, sense of humor, confidence, ambitious, assertive.

4. Score! You exchanged numbers with a hottie. Now you: (pick one)
a. Wait for a week, see if that person calls you first.
b. Call the next day if not sooner.
c. Call and text incessantly. Let them know they’ve made an impression.
d. You’d never call. What if you get rejected?
B. Call the next day. I like to let the person know I’m interested, then see how it goes from there. I have no problem making the first move if I’m interested.

5. How did you handle your last relationship break up?
a. You’ve never been in a relationship before. The timing’s never been right.
b. You went out and got drunk every night, until you forgot everything.
c. You went out on a massive amount of date, even with people you knew you had no interest, making sure to date a new face every night.
d. You felt bad and cried, but bounced back in a couple of days.
D. I felt bad, cried, and then bounced back. I’ve only ever wanted to be a positive presence in people’s lives. If they weren’t happy, I wouldn’t want them to stay with me. So while I might have been sad, I usually bounced back quickly. And I was always happy for the memories.

Bonus: Would you take a holiday all by yourself, at the ‘spur of the moment’? Why or Why not? Where would you go?
I definitely would! If I were able to, I’d love to travel to Europe and just explore and meet new people. The thought of throwing off all my responsibilities both professional and personal, and only needing to worry about myself and no one else, is so appealing. I’d go wherever I wanted to go, see whatever I wanted, and do whatever I wanted. (And probably do whomever I wanted as well.)

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