Throughout the month of October, writer and content creator K-ghislaine has been publishing a series of daily prompts relating to sex-positivity. It was my intention to post responses to these prompts every day, or at least to answer each new prompt when it was posted and publish my responses at set intervals. But life interfered and it got away from me. I intend to publish three posts by the end of the month, each with ten prompts addressed. Here’s the first one.
Day 1: What is the first word that comes to mind when you read the word SEX?
The first word is “fun”. Sex has always been a major focus of mine, since long before I was sexually active. I can’t fully explain why, but my curiosity about sex dwarfed my curiosity about any other subject. I read as much as I could, usually in the general collection (i.e. not the kids’ section) of the local library. It always sounded like fun to me, and this is years before I would have any concept of the deeper emotional implications of sex. I suppose any positive adjective would work, but “fun” is the one that immediately comes to mind. Appropriate, really; sex should be fun. It doesn’t always have to be a serious thing. Can you imagine how ridiculous it would be for two people to maintain totally straight faces while engaging in it
Day 2: Do you like your sex life? If not, what’s missing?
I never thought I’d have to say this, but no. I’m not satisfied with my sex life, to the extent that I actually have one. What’s missing is physical and emotional intimacy with another person. For the first time in more than twenty years, I suddenly find myself without a partner, as my wife and I have been separated for nearly a year, and my other relationship ended a couple weeks ago. Yes, I realize that one’s sex life doesn’t have to involve anyone else. I’m not trying to invalidate masturbation in any way – hopefully my answers to some of the following questions will make that clear – nor am I trying to further the antiquated notion that sex requires at least two people. I can get off just fine solo, and I certainly enjoy doing so. But I crave closeness with another person, or other people. That is what I lack.
Day 3: What makes you feel sexy?
I think the thing that makes me feel the sexiest is being told that I’m sexy or attractive by another person. There is so much that I do that ought to make me feel sexy, including dressing up in a flattering outfit, trimming my facial hair with Pythagorean precision, working out, and even having moments of clarity when I see myself in the mirror as I’m getting out of the shower and I realize that I am the sexiest guy I’ve ever laid eyes on. But unfortunately, external validation goes a lot farther than any of these. I don’t know why my brain works this way, though I’m guessing a psychologist could read my twelve-part blog series from earlier this year and make an educated guess. I’m working on it, though.
Day 4: What do you find sexy in a partner?
What’s on the inside. Of particular interest to me is empathy, i.e. concern for people who don’t ultimately have any bearing on one’s life. I don’t think I could be attracted to someone whose values and attitudes about the people around them skew toward indifference. Actually, empathy is what I find attractive in general, not specifically what I find sexy (though I prefer to have sex with women who have never vented their aggression at a minimum-wage retail employee who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time). But as for sexy, that’s hard to say. I don’t really have a physical type; blondes, brunettes, redheads, women with big boobs or small, women with short legs or long, women with thick asses or flat ones, curvy, skinny, tall, short – all types potentially turn me on. (When I’ve been asked for my type in the past, I generally answer “Women who find me hot”.) Again, the things that excite me the most are on the inside, namely confidence and genuine enthusiasm for sex.
Day 5: Self-Love Challenge: Stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself that you are SEXY!
Okay, done!
Day 6: Do you have someone that you feel comfortable talking about your sex life with?
I can’t say that I do. I currently have no intimate partners, and I don’t have the required level of comfort and openness required to talk about sex with my family. (Full disclosure: I don’t have close relationships with many of my relatives.) As for talking about my sex life with friends, most of my close friends are women, and although some of these friendships have been sexual in the past, none currently are, and I would hate to make a close friend worry that by bringing up sex I am attempting to violate a previously established boundary. Granted, anyone who knows me well enough to be a close friend hopefully knows that’s not the kind of man I am, but I still worry. Beyond that, I generally don’t see the point or feel the need. Most of my friends seem to be getting laid like crazy. I don’t want to complain to them about my prolonged dry spell.
Day 7: What do you wish you knew about sex at a younger age?
Women can be just as depraved as men. Moreso, even.
Day 8: If you have questions about sex, where do you go?
The internet, I guess. Not Chat GPT, obviously; and I certainly don’t believe everything I read online is the absolute truth. I guess if I had a specific question about something sexual, I might post it to social media, where I would hopefully get an answer from someone I know well enough to tell whether they’re full of shit. This is all a far cry from when I was a kid and my curiosity was sated by a trip to the library. But back then, I read so much about sex that I don’t often have questions about it. If I’m seeking information online, it’s likely related to some kind of new trend or slang that I’ve encountered but cannot define. I am reminded of the time a younger woman I was seeing said I was “Daddy AF”, and I had to ask Twitter what “AF” meant.
Day 9: What is something you believed about sex, and later learned was a myth?
Perhaps contradicting my previous answer, I got a lot of conflicting information from my visits to the general collection of the local library. One book might describe a specific bundle of nerves inside a woman’s body which could be stimulated to spectacular results, while the next book insisted that the G-spot was a myth. (It isn’t.) At the time, I wasn’t aware of the possible sociological reasons for the discrepancy – a stodgy academic who sees sex primarily as a means of procreation might come to a different conclusion than a woman who knows her own body well – but it did condition me to be skeptical of what I read, and to get my information from as many sources as possible. Specific myths I encountered and later unlearned are:
The male sexual peak occurs at eighteen years of age and everything after that is downhill. I have had much more exciting and fulfilling sex in the last twenty years than I did at age eighteen, and while some of that is due to my having greater knowledge and openmindedness as an older man, I also believe my sex drive has become much greater in my thirties and forties.
Penetration is the natural endpoint of sex. This belief focuses on the male orgasm as a sort of objective, and in doing so discounts not only women’s sexual pleasure, but also trivializes relationships that don’t involve penetrative sex, whether because no dicks are involved, or because one or more people cannot achieve erection, or because they’re religious and just do hand stuff in order to exploit God’s Sex Loophole.
Sex is most exciting when it occurs spontaneously. Pop culture has tried desperately to make us believe that when a man does a “kiss lean” or otherwise makes a physical advance toward a woman, she will sort of melt into it and they’ll have sex. She will not push him away, have him arrested for sexual assault, or break a lamp over his head, chop up the body, and dispose of it in several out-of-state dumpsters. Honestly, I feel like the myth of “spontaneous sex is the best sex” needs to go already, and not just because it’s dangerously irresponsible. There are few things more exhilaratingly sexy, in my opinion, than the anticipation you feel when your partner texts you everything they’re planning to do with you after work.
Masturbation is harmful. It’s not. It doesn’t make you go blind. It doesn’t make hair grow on your palms. It doesn’t cause infertility. It doesn’t decrease one’s testosterone. It does not cause, nor is it a sign of, mental deterioration. It doesn’t make Baby Jesus cry. Hell, I’ve got to think Jesus would be 100% in favor of us using what His Father gave us in all the ways He intended. Simply put, masturbation is too wonderful a thing to warrant all the hand-wringing it has inspired. Honestly, I think this myth is nearly as harmful as the previous one. Imagine a world wherein everyone was taught the benefits of self-love. Imagine a world wherein shame was reserved for people who maliciously and unrepentantly do harm to others, and not those who jerk off. We’d all be so much happier. Remember when President Clinton fired Dr. Joycelyn Elders – his Surgeon General – for advocating the teaching of masturbation as a normal part of one’s sexual health? That’s the kind of abject stupidity I’d have expected out of a Republican president, made even more egregious by the fact that Clinton seemed to be perpetually horny, so you know damn well he was beating off on a regular basis. In addition to her views on masturbation, Dr. Elders suggested that legalizing drugs could lead to lower crime rates, pointed out the hypocrisy inherent in opposing safe, legal abortion while showing no concern for child welfare, and considered abstinence-only sex education akin to child abuse. I agree that this woman should not have been the Surgeon General, but only because she should have been the President of the United States.
Day 10: Self-Love Challenge: How do you show yourself … “Self Love”? Hands, toys, props, or maybe something else?
I usually use my hands. But I’ve got a Magic Wand, and sometimes I’ll use that. It’s not a regular thing, as I don’t want to become overreliant on any one kind of sensation in order to cum. But sometimes, when I’m tired or when I don’t have much time, light, sustained pressure on my frenulum can trigger a very intense orgasm. When I was younger, and getting accustomed to the kinds of sensations I enjoyed, I experimented more. I might use a piece of soft fabric, a feather, or something else with a unique texture that I thought might be pleasurable. I used to rub the head of my cock a lot, too, in addition to stroking the shaft. That’s something I eventually sort of abandoned, perhaps because I realized it was less direct, and stroking would achieve the desired result more quickly. Still, it felt really good. As for position – because the question does leave room for a response beyond “do you use your hands or a toy?” – I often kneel if I am pressed for time, usually while leaning against my bed. In this case, I might be completely naked, or I might drop (or even just open) my pants. If I can expect a few minutes of privacy I will probably lie on my bed on my back. In this case, I’m probably naked, though it’s not unusual for me to start out completely dressed and lose clothing as I get more and more turned on. Less common positions include sitting, as well as standing, usually in the shower.
Thanks to K-ghislaine for inspiring me to write this. Stay tuned for Part 2!