Day 11: Safe sex is great sex!!! What is your preferred method of protection?
Condoms, typically. When I’ve had fluid-bonded partners, we’ve relied on oral contraception to prevent pregnancy; in those relationships STIs were at least in theory not much of a concern. I’m not sure if I’ve utilized any other method.
Day 12: Gratitude. Is this a word you have ever associated with sex? Yes, no, maybe?
Definitely. I associate gratitude with anything that brings me happiness and joy. I feel gratitude for a delicious meal, even if I prepared it myself. I feel gratitude for cozy, rainy nights, as well as familiar, comforting music and the health of myself and my loved ones. I feel gratitude for my own mental well-being, and for positive circumstances that contribute to it. Why shouldn’t I feel gratitude for sex? It’s just one more thing that makes life great.
Day 13: Have you ever thanked a partner during or after sex? Try thanking them for something specific that worked for you!!!
I once heard (or more likely read) that a person should not thank their partner for having sex with them. Apparently, doing so might imply that one’s partner was just doing them a favor, and didn’t get anything out of the experience. I guess whoever posited that was suggesting that the pleasure one’s partner receives from sex is thanks enough. But I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Sure, your partner likely did get something out of the sex, but I have to think that they gave you pleasure because they know you enjoy it. You’d thank them for cooking a meal for you, or for taking care of you when you’re sick. You’d thank them for doing anything that benefited you, so I think it’s understandable that you might thank your partner for having sex with you whether or not they derived any physical enjoyment from the act.
Day 14: Today is simply a shout out to lube! The slippery, sex enhancer that resides in almost every nightside table. What’s your favorite type?
Years ago, when I might have had two or three ongoing relationships at a time, I was known to have several different kinds or brands of lube in my nightstand. My partners appreciated my consideration, and I know it made a positive impression even before we’d gotten down to the actual sex itself. Additionally, if I was talking to someone early in the relationship and we hadn’t been intimate yet, I would usually ask the person if they had any preferences. Gel versus liquid? Water-based versus silicone-based or oil-based? Any brand loyalties? I feel compelled to note that in my most recent (now ended) relationship, lube was never used, and that was at my partner’s insistence. She was a self-proclaimed masochist, and needed to feel everything as intensely as possible. To say that this was initially outside of my realm of comfort is an understatement, but a little enthusiasm goes a long way, and I quickly became accustomed to it. As far as my own preferences go, I don’t know that I have one. I don’t typically use lube solo, but I guess I’d opt for a thicker gel variety as it’s far less likely to get everywhere than liquid. During partnered sex, I leave it entirely up to the other person.
Day 15: Congrats! We are halfway through our 30 day challenge. Pat yourself on the back and tell yourself that you love you!!!
Okay. I love me!
Day 16: Safe words! Do you have one? Does your partner know it? Do you even know what that is or why we need one? Let’s chat about them!
I don’t have a standard safe word that I’ve used across multiple relationships. Granted, I am generally the dominant in any D/s relationship I’ve ever had, but I acknowledge it’s still a good idea for me to have one. It’s just not something I have ever thought to adopt. However, I’ve always been conscientious about asking my partners if they have one. My most recent relationship – the one that delved the deepest into D/s – didn’t involve safe words, though this is because we generally didn’t do scenes as I understand the concept, and my partner, though the most submissive partner I’ve ever had, was comfortable giving direction where appropriate to do so.
Day 17: Are you comfortable saying “no”? Declining sex for any reason is fundamental for your physical as well as mental well being. Consent always matters!
Throughout my life, the only time I’ve ever declined sex was when not doing so would have amounted to cheating on someone else. In theory, I am comfortable saying no to sex, but – and this might come as a huge, mind-blowing surprise – when it is offered I generally say yes. Though now that I think of it, I have politely declined sex when proposed by men. I’m mostly straight. I’m so sorry about that, dudes.
Day 18: Is there something that helps get you in the mood for sex? Music, a scent, a touch, a phrase? Or something completely different?
To paraphrase Mark Ruffalo in The Avengers (2012), that’s my secret: I’m always in the mood for sex. I could be performing a complicated coronary revascularization, but if I have a sexual thought somebody had better come relieve me because I can’t guarantee sufficient blood flow to my brain. Seriously, I really am always in the mood for sex, or at least, my mind is never far from the subject. If my partner wants to ensure I’m in the mood, the best way to do that is to express their desire for me. This can be done using words – sexting and in-person dirty talk are always exciting – or actions and/or body language. The ever-popular lip-bite is a simple visual cue that lets me know what’s on their mind. In addition, I have a couple erogenous zones, including the spot on either side of my body where my stomach meets my hip. Those aren’t the only ones, but I definitely react when attention is paid there.
Day 19: We give the word sex a lot of different names. Nookie, getting it on, sexy times, etc. What is your nickname for it? And why do you use it?
I usually just say “fucking”. Obviously it depends on my partner and what they are comfortable with, but I can’t think of a relationship I’ve had, ever, in which that wasn’t the expression we used the most. (“Can’t wait to fuck you tonight!”) Outside of a relationship, I might just say “having sex”. (“My co-worker got caught having sex with the boss’ wife.”) However, it’s not unthinkable that I would use less formal language when speaking to a friend with whom I am more comfortable. (“Randy? That asshole can get fucked with a rusty bike chain.”) A quick Google search lists an amount of English-language euphemisms for sex so great that only a society steeped in undue shame and embarrassment could possibly cultivate so many, and now I’m going to list some of them.
I’m starting with terms I have actually used, though not for years:
1. Being intimate: This one enjoyed occasional usage in my early twenties, when talking about my sex life with a platonic female friend. I considered that “being intimate” might have come off as less aggressive than “fucking”. (“I was intimate with my ex-girlfriend last night. I’m not sure how I feel about this.”)
2. Doing it: This was when I was probably nine years old. I was way too cautious to say anything sexual within earshot of my parents, so even “doing it” was reserved for the schoolyard and the homes of friends with permissive parents. (“The guy and the girl in that movie were totally doing it!”)
3. Getting busy: Early-to-mid 1990s, I think. While I had no objection to engaging in sex, I think my Catholic upbringing and various other dysfunctions instilled in me by my parents gave me the sort of hangups that led me to say things like “getting busy” when what I really meant was “fucking”. (“As soon as your parents leave, we’re getting busy.”)
4. Knocking boots: Early-to-mid-1990s as well. I didn’t use this terminology often because I thought it made me sound like a wannabe R&B singer, though it bears noting that “knocking boots” is used in country music as well. (“Tommy found out that his ex knocked boots with some other guy, so he is finally over her.”)
Moving on to the short and sweet, i.e. single-verb euphemisms, all listed in present participle:
1. Boffing
2. Boinking
3. Boning
4. Bonking
5. Canoodling
6. Humping
7. Mating
8. Nailing
9. Porking
10. Railing
11. Rutting
12. Screwing
13. Shtupping
14. Smashing
And now for a few single-noun euphemisms:
1. Antics
2. Coitus
3. Copulation
4. Coupling
5. Fornication
6. Intercourse
7. Lovemaking
8. Mischief
9. Nookie
10. Relations
11. Shenanigans
[I’m not sure how widespread “antics” is; I haven’t encountered it often. But it was the preferred euphemism of a former long-term partner of mine, and it’s always kind of stuck.]
The next category are euphemisms that follow a “[verb]ing the [noun]” formula:
1. Bagging the groceries
2. Checking the oil
3. Dipping the wick
4. Doing the deed
5. Feeding the dumb glutton
8. Feeding the kitty
9. Field-testing the furniture
10. Glazing the donut
11. Hiding the sausage
12. Paddling the pink canoe
13. Piercing the hogshead
14. Riding the baloney pony
15. Shaking the sheets
16. Sliming the banana
[CW: Sexual harassment of a minor: My junior-year geometry teacher once asked a student if she wanted to ride his “baloney pony”. I believe this was 1992. Evidently the comment was made during a school Halloween event and the girl was wearing a cowgirl costume. I didn’t witness the incident, I have no idea how the student reacted at the time, nor do I know whether the teacher was interested in doing more than making inappropriate comments. I heard about the incident after the fact, and some time later I overheard the teacher talking to the student about it while I was sitting at my desk waiting for class to start. I noticed that she didn’t seem traumatized casually revisiting his lewd come-on, but it didn’t occur to me that she may have (a) have felt threatened and been trying to de-escalate; (b) been afraid of academic reprisal; or saddest of all (c) been accustomed to older men talking to her in such a manner. This was decades before #metoo, and while such behavior wasn’t condoned, there wasn’t always immediate backlash when it happened. All I can say for sure is that the teacher was still employed when I graduated two years later, and I never thought of him as anything but a creep ever again.]
To some people, sex is like a form of dance, which makes sense because dance can be very sensuous. For a lot of people, the first pseudo-sexual experience they have with another person comes when grinding against a classmate at a school dance. So here are a few related euphemisms:
1. Dancing Barnaby
2. Dancing in the sheets
3. The Devil’s tango
4. The horizontal hustle
5. The mating dance
6The matrimonial polka
7. The mattress jig
8. The mattress mambo
9. The no-pants dance
10. The Paphian jig
There are a lot of agricultural/farm-related euphemisms, too. I wonder if these expressions are (or more likely were) popular exclusively among rural folks, or if they were in general use back when they were in fashion. Actually, some of them are so esoteric that I wouldn’t be surprised if the majority or even the entirety of society was agrarian back then. Here goes:
1. Having one’s corn ground
2. Irrigating the garden
3. Making butter with one’s tail
4. Piercing the hogshead
5. Planting zucchini
6. Pulling wool
7. Taking a turn among the cabbages
[I suppose “pulling wool” could actually refer to removing a sweater prior to copulation. And I’m going to hope that it does, because any other sexual connotation of pulling wool in a farm setting is, frankly, not something I want to think about.]
Speaking of esoteric turns of phrase, the following euphemisms are particularly arcane, certainly by modern standards.
1. Amorous congress (19th century)
2. Blowing off the groundsills (19th century)
3. Chimney (19th century)
4. The culbatizing exercise (17th century)
5. The deed of darkness (16th century)
6. Fadoodling (17th century)
7. Giving a green gown (14th century)
8. Groping for trout in a peculiar river (17th century)
9. Hauling someone’s ashes (early 20th century)
10. Playing itch-buttocks (18th century)
11. Playing nug-a-nug (16th century)
12. Playing the pyrdewy (16th century)
13. Putting four quarters on the spit (19th century)
14. Riding below the crupper (16th century)
15. Shooting twixt wind and water (17th century)
16. Taking a turn at bushy park (19th century)
17. Winding someone’s little ball of yarn (19th century)
[Are we all thinking “chimney” refers to vagina or just me?]
Just…no:
1. Bone smuggling: I can’t put my finger on what I dislike about this one, but I dislike it. However, a cursory search suggests that this term applies more to gay or bi men than straight ones, so maybe it wasn’t for me to begin with.
2. Bumping uglies: I know this is a popular euphemism, but it comes off as particularly sex-negative. Genitals are anything but ugly. Mine especially.
3. Getting two tickets to Poundtown: Awfully wordy, isn’t it? At that point wouldn’t it be easier to say “fucking”? Or, if you’re too demure for that, “Having sex”? Though I feel like if you’re too self-conscious or concerned with perception to say “fucking”, “getting two tickets to Poundtown” isn’t much of a fix.
4. Hot beef injection: There’s no way you can convince me that this euphemism originated anywhere other than Chicago. Hell, I’m pretty sure “Hot Beef Injection” is the name of an Italian beef joint I went to on West Taylor Street.
5. Making feet for children’s stockings: I don’t want to think about children when I’m getting in the mood. I don’t want to be reminded that they exist as a possible result of sex, or as an interruption to it. On the basis of that alone, this eighteenth-century expression was never going to appeal to me. Beyond that, the imagery it conjures is frankly unpleasant. I suspect it was meant as a euphemism for procreation specifically, as in having a baby. And that would be weird enough, but “making feet” suggests some sort of selective reproduction. I acknowledge that “making entire babies for baby clothes” would also be weird, so I guess this is a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation. Anyway, don’t bring up children while we’re fucking, please and thank you.
6. Rubbing tummies: At the risk of inadvertently shaming anyone who’s into ageplay, I find this too cutesy. Barring several years when I was raising my daughter, “tummy” isn’t a word I’ve used as an adult, so I can’t reconcile hearing it or saying it in a sexual context. Granted, I wouldn’t say “rubbing stomachs” either.
7. Taking ol’ one-eye to the optometrist: Remember how “getting two tickets to Poundtown” was too wordy? This is three whole syllables longer. Not only that, but I have to assume that this specific sequence of words is a spell that magically dries up every vagina in earshot. I know I said I almost never decline sex, and I’m not contradicting that now, but if a woman ever asked me if I wanted to take ol’ one-eye to the optometrist I’d probably have to do some serious mental gymnastics in order to remain hard.
With the caveat that most of them weren’t exactly on my radar to begin with, the following euphemisms have way too strong a pop culture association for me to ever use unironically:
1. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Were you aware that this was slang for sex before you read this? I wasn’t aware before I wrote it.
2. Makin’ bacon: This one is too closely associated with The Simpsons for me to ever use it to mean sex. But also, it’s too closely associated with bacon.
3. Making sexytime: Fuck you for this specifically, Borat.
4. Making the beast with two backs: This euphemism conjures up memories of zoning out in my Honors English class, doodling in the margins of my notes, and counting down the minutes until the bell.
5. Making whoopee: I’m showing my age here, but even though “making whoopee” is a widespread term that originated in the late 1920s, I associate it with Chuck Woolery, who served as host of the American game show Love Connection from 1983-1994. Though the salacious details of the arranged dates contestants were sent on flowed freely, “making whoopee” was the default euphemism. Also, in 2020 Chuck Woolery insisted vehemently on social media that COVID-19 was a conspiracy before recanting the following day once his son had contracted the virus. I felt compelled to share that.
6. Nudge nudge. Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more. Know what I mean?: Okay, this is part of a Monty Python routine, and even though Eric Idle’s character is referring to sex, it isn’t something I consider a legitimate sexual euphemism. Still, it came up when I did my search, so I’m including it.
7. Rogering: Spoken by Lee Evans in There’s Something About Mary.
8. Rolling in the Hay: Sung by Teri Garr in Young Frankenstein.
9. Rumpy Pumpy: This is a British expression included by Scottish comic writer Mark Millar as dialogue spoken by the very American Tony Stark in The Ultimates vol. 2 #13. And while someone as world-traveled as Tony Stark would conceivably do and say things common among other cultures, this one is such an expression that it kind of disrupts the conclusion of a satisfying comic series. Also, “rumpy pumpy” sounds way too childish for my liking, but no judgment if it’s your preferred euphemism.
10. Shagging: Austin Powers, obviously.
11. Snuggling: This is another one I’ll always associate with The Simpsons. I’ve used the word in other contexts, but as a stand in for “having sex” I’ll never not be able to hear it in Marge Simpson’s voice.
12. The old in-out: Used to great effect in A Clockwork Orange.
Day 20: Take a picture of your favorite part of you. Maybe your eyes, nose, or something a little more intimate. For an extra challenge, watch yourself in the mirror as you look at your photo. Reflect.
For this prompt, I took a simple picture of my face. Nothing out of the ordinary, just a photo taken head-on with a neutral expression. I don’t know if I would say that my face is my favorite part of me, but I am confident in my looks, even if I don’t feel I am as youthful-appearing as I was a decade ago. My salt-and-pepper beard is more salt than pepper these days, and the crow’s feet near my temples are more conspicuous than they’ve ever been. As of today, I have gone about two weeks longer than I typically do between haircuts, and the hair on my head is way too bushy. But it’s styled decently and not as unruly as it usually feels. Beyond that, there’s something in my expression, I guess, that suggests a youthful spirit. Or maybe it’s not my expression. Maybe it’s the fact that even though my life feels like a dumpster fire right now, I usually manage to compartmentalize the negativity and focus on the positive as much as I can. Or maybe it’s the Marvel Comics T-shirt I’m wearing. As for my facial features, my eyes are sexy. I’m not sure what it is about them specifically, but I think that if I saw me on the street or rang me up at a Starbucks or something, I’d want to know more about this guy with the enticing eyes. Also, I’ve got very noticeable eyelashes and I’ve been told going back to childhood that they are cute, and later in life that they are attractive and make me look hot. My smile is pleasant, warm and nonthreatening, but also playful and even mischievous at times. And my lips are extremely kissable.
I don’t have any strong feelings about my nose or my ears.
Thanks again to K-ghislaine for coming up with these prompts! Stay tuned for Part 3!