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Click here for Part 2.

Day 21: What is your favorite way to be kissed, or place to be kissed. Better yet, answer both!
My favorite way to be kissed is passionately. That’s not to say that I am likely to decline a non-passionate, i.e. platonic, kiss from someone I love. However, few things are more exciting to me than a really intense, hungry kiss. I’m talking about the kind of kiss where, to the extent that your brain can form a rational thought, you’re pretty sure all clothing is about to be frantically shed and discarded, but even if that’s not the case the kiss itself is still exhilarating. As for my favorite place, definitely mouth. There are various places on my body where the sensations of a kiss are especially appreciated, including but not limited to my neck, my shoulders, and the aforementioned spots on my body where my stomach meets my hip.But at its most basic, a kiss is a two (or more!) person activity, and being kissed by someone while actively kissing them back is the hottest.

Day 22: What is your biggest turnoff in a potential partner? Is it a scent, visual, a phrase or something else?
Lack of empathy, or any indication that the person thinks themselves arbitrarily above others. As a sapiosexual person, there was a time when I’d have cited lack of intelligence or something along those lines as my biggest turnoff. But (a) that makes me sound like someone who thinks himself arbitrarily above others, (b) lack of empathy is a far worse flaw than whatever I might have perceived as lack of intelligence, and (c) what I might have ignorantly categorized as “lack of intelligence” in the past might have been misidentified neurodivergence, introversion, unpretentiousness, etc. As someone who exhibits all of these things, I should have known better; what I likely meant when I said “lack of intelligence” was “willful ignorance”, which is probably my second biggest turnoff (and often goes hand-in-hand with lack of empathy). I wanted to end this by writing something funny about how if I take a date to a restaurant and she’s rude to the waitstaff, I’m probably not going to fuck her afterwards, but only because I’ll spend the whole meal passive-aggressively bashing her behavior to the extent that she rules out sex with me, not because I have sufficient principles to rule out sex with her. But honestly, that’s not true. If someone spends the whole evening acting like a royal dickhead, I’m probably going to pay the check and say good night.

Day 23: Hot seat time! Do you consider yourself a sex positive person? Why or why not?
I definitely consider myself a sex positive person, and I think others do as well. Or at least, I hope others do. I’ve always had what I think is a healthy attitude about sex in general. I believe that sex between consenting adults is healthy and good, and for that matter none of my business unless they make it so. Consent is of the utmost importance to me, and has been since before I was actually sexually active or even dating. I do not judge others for how they have sex, or even if they do. This includes but is not limited to slut-shaming. And while I acknowledge that “vanilla” is a widely-used term used to refer to sex that is conventional (whatever that means in this context), not kinky or otherwise out of the ordinary, I do not shame those whose sex life skews vanilla. I do not consider myself superior or consider their sex life lesser.

I encourage my partners to fantasize about whomever or whatever excites them, when they are alone as well as when we are together. I fully support their use of toys or anything else that makes sex more enjoyable for them. After all, my partner’s arousal directly fuels my own. But even if it didn’t – which is a weird thing to imagine – I’d still want them to be satisfied and fulfilled. In addition, I am committed to my partner’s climax, but I am not so insecure that I insist on getting her off even if she isn’t in the mood, or isn’t confident in her ability to have an orgasm. While I sometimes equate my worth to my ability to help my partner achieve a mind-blowing climax, if the other person declines for whatever reason and I felt the need to insist, I would have to ask myself if my determination is for them, or if it’s actually for me.

I do not view sex through a moral lens. I place no premium on virginity and acknowledge that virginity is a social construct that does not determine anyone’s actual worth. I voted for a female candidate in two of the last three U.S. presidential elections. I am a die-hard supporter of comprehensive, non-abstinence-only sex education in schools because I know that a sexually functional society is more likely to be a harmonious one. Additionally, I support any legislature that ensures womens’ health and reproductive freedom. I do not blame the victims of sexual assault, and I am enraged when society fails to adequately punish those who inflict it. I am pro-sex worker, and have no qualms about saying so in front of my daughter, which I’m sure some people find weird.

Areas where I could stand to do better include being able to discuss sex without embarrassment. Granted, I can talk sex comfortably with most adults, though I’m likely to be a bit apprehensive if that adult is, say, my mom. And I’m not sure how well I’d have done having The Talk with my daughter; apparently my wife took care of that without me present or even aware that it was happening. Additionally, I’m not consistently body-positive; some days I think I am the hottest thing on two legs, and other days I struggle. As I said previously, I am unfortunately more likely to maintain a positive self-image if another person helps me get there. Communicating my sexual needs within my relationships can also be difficult, which is unfortunate because I have a prodigious sex drive. Don’t get me wrong, if my partner demonstrates sexual enthusiasm (often at its most intense at the beginning of a relationship), I am more inclined to open up about what I want and need. But when I’ve had partners whose sexual interest over time diminished or evaporated completely, I’ve found it expedient to simply de-prioritize my needs. I am accustomed to de-centering myself, and while it may sound counterintuitive, the last thing I’d want to do is force my partner to acknowledge my sexual needs when they have possibly lost interest. I don’t want to risk making them feel guilty or inadequate and possibly push them away. Not that keeping quiet about it kept them close.

Day 24: The most sex positive holiday of the year is a week away: Halloween!!! What did that statement make you feel?
Generally excited. Not only because of any sex positive connotation, but because of the day itself. Halloween is probably my favorite holiday, a season – because Halloween is so much more than a single day – when all things spooky swarm the public consciousness and horror movies flood the airwaves and every streaming service. Simply put, this is the time of year that I spend the rest of the year waiting for. I wear horror movie-related T-shirts. I listen to seasonally appropriate music. That being said, yes, there is a sexual aspect of Halloween, which began as Samhain, a Celtic festival marking the end of the harvest and the beginning of winter. During this holiday, the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead was said to open and the dead were believed to mingle with the living. I know enough about pagan cultures to be aware that sex is often a significant part. Pagan deities revere consensual sex and encourage it among their adherents. Pagan festivals often concern sexuality, fertility, love, and nature. There’s much to be said about Samhain specifically, including a meeting between the Morrigan and the Dagda, and whether they were lovers or just fellow Celtic deities; but it’s best I not pretend I know enough about the subject to write with authority.

The Christian church attempted to co-opt Samhain circa the 8^th or 9^th century CE, naming the second day of Samhain All Saints Day, and the first day – October 31^st – All Hallow’s Eve. And while Halloween may be largely divested of its pagan origins in the mind of the average person, I believe the sex positive aspect remains. After all, how many times have you heard someone complain that the holiday has been sexualized, or more to the point, that Halloween is “an excuse for women to dress slutty”? As if the same thing couldn’t be said of men, were men held to the same standard.

My point is, there is a historic precedent for the so-called sexualization of Halloween. And while I’m guessing that the woman in the sexy nun costume, or whatever, isn’t a historian and is just expressing herself, feeling horny, showing off her body, and/or thumbing her nose at the religious establishment, who cares? Seriously, what is more sex-positive than giving some misogynist puritan a reason to burst a blood vessel?

As for me personally, sex and Halloween have been intertwined throughout much of my adult life, which is not to say that I need the latter to appreciate the former. When I was eighteen, I hooked up with a woman in a traditional witch costume – pointy wide-brimmed hat and everything, though she took it off – bent over a bathroom sink at the home of some long-forgotten college acquaintance. When I was twenty I blew off a Halloween party altogether and had sex with my then-girlfriend, partially dressed as Columbia from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, while her parents were out for the evening. When I was twenty-one or twenty-two I got head in my car after visiting Gyro’s World of Terror, a local seasonal haunted attraction, with a casual date. When I was twenty-six, my girlfriend and I stayed at her quiet apartment on Halloween night and fucked until the doorbell rang, at which point we’d stop, I’d pull up my pants and she’d smooth out her dress, and she’d hand out some candy to the trick-or-treaters at the door. Then we’d resume until the doorbell rang again. When I was twenty-eight, my wife-to-be and I left my cousin’s party early because we’d only been dating for six months and couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. When I was thirty-one – the first Halloween after we were married – we watched The Shining while handing out candy, then turned out the porch light as soon as there was a lull in trick-or-treaters and had sex while still more or less in our costumes. When I was thirty-five, we made our first visit to a sex-club for their annual “Swalloween Ball”.

I will leave you with this relevant clip from The Simpsons:

Day 25: Today’s challenge is all about dressing in something that makes you feel amazing. That could be putting on something silky, sexy, or soft. This is your self love adventure, so wear whatever you dare!
The clothing that makes me feel amazing is most likely a T-shirt and a pair of jeans, or shorts if it’s warm out. If I am at home or going about my daily routine, this is what I am probably wearing. This is because to me, feeling amazing means being comfortable. However, if I want to feel confident and attractive – which is also an amazing feeling – I usually go for something on the formal side. This could be a collared shirt and a pair of Dockers or similar pants that are slightly less casual than jeans, or it could be a suit and tie. The former is a decent alternative to a T-shirt and jeans, whereas the latter is strictly for events wherein that level of formality is appropriate. In other words, I’m not getting that dressed up to go grocery shopping. If I am holed up in a hotel room with somebody and I’m actually wearing clothes, it’s probably a cozy pair of lounging pants or sweatpants and a T-shirt or sweatshirt. But in that situation I’d rather be naked.

Day 26: What’s in your aftercare kit? Wait, what is aftercare anyways? Think snuggles, positive affirmations, water, snacks. Intimacy is more than just orgasms.
As with a lot of areas, I try to get a sense well beforehand of what my partner might like when we are finished having sex. I usually have no problem asking if there is anything they would like me to have on hand (especially if they’re staying at my place for a couple days – a good host goes grocery shopping before company arrives) and ensuring it’s there for their convenience and comfort. Bottled water is an essential, though I’ve had partners who preferred Gatorade or other electrolyte-replenishing sports drinks, as well as soda and even energy drinks. Snacks are another essential, not just when the sex is over, but when quick sustenance is needed in the middle of it. In the past I’ve tried to have fresh fruit on hand, but salty or sugary junk food is often appreciated as well. And charcuterie is the perfect quick, easy lunch, though when I’ve partaken it’s simple – cheese, deli meat, crackers, nuts, and the like – and the presentation is anything but fancy.

It’s also important to provide a comfortable surface on which to rest. If the bed is 85% wet spot, I will offer to change the sheets in a hurry while my partner is taking a shower, or I’ll suggest we move things to the sofa in the living room, or a spare bedroom if there is one. (Something to consider when booking an Airbnb or a hotel room.) Wherever we end up, I’ll be sure to provide pillows and blankets. Something else I like to give my partner the option of enjoying as aftercare is my presence, which usually comes with lots of nonsexual touch, as well as small talk and/or jokes, and sharing of memes on my phone. However, I don’t take it personally if my partner needs a sensory reset and prefers to be alone for awhile.

Day 27: Trick or Treat! What do you think best applies to how you do the deed? Are you the trick or the treat?
Most definitely the treat. That’s not overconfidence, just simple fact. There aren’t a lot of areas in my life where I have absolute confidence, but when it comes to sex, I do. I acknowledge that everybody’s wants and needs are different and I’m probably not great at sex by everyone’s standard. I also acknowledge that sometimes there’s a learning curve when it comes to new partners and figuring out what they like, and I’m sure that over the years I’ve had a one-night stand or two that my partner found merely satisfying and not completely mind-blowing. That said, if my partners graded me on my sexual talents the way the Board of Health grades restaurants in certain American cities, I’d display my “A” certificate proudly.

I wonder what “the trick” would be in this situation. Is that where Person A lures Person B to a secluded location with the promise of sex and when they get there Person B falls victim to a humiliating and/or psychologically damaging prank? If so, I’d never be the trick; it’s a horrible dick move, and besides, I’ve seen no fewer than four horror movies that utilize this trope – Terror Train (1980), The Toxic Avenger (1984), Slaughter High (1986), and Ma (2019) – and in each case, things went badly for Person A.

Day 28: Costumes and fantasy often go hand in hand. What has a partner (past or present) dressed as that got your motor revving?
I was going to use this space to write about the aforementioned girlfriend who convinced me to skip out on my friend’s Halloween party by riding me on her parents’ bed while dressed in about 45% of her Columbia costume. (I had been dressed as Riff Raff.) But it’s occurred to me in recent years that her convincing me to miss social events with my friends was one of many tactics she utilized to isolate me from my social circle and anyone who might have talked sense into me about the nature of that relationship.

Instead, I’ll talk about the woman I dated in my mid-twenties who put together an impressively accurate Carmen Sandiego cosplay: Black catsuit, red coat and fedora, plus gloves, scarf, and even little red earrings. She wanted to wear it to a convention, though as far as I know, she never did. I don’t even think she had a specific convention in mind when she assembled it. But one day she happened to be wearing it when I got to her apartment. Or rather, she was wearing the hat, the boots, the scarf, and the coat with nothing underneath it. I was never a particularly big fan of the character. Of the entire computer game series, I only ever played the original Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, probably fewer than ten times and all in elementary school on the classroom computer. The character holds no significant nostalgia for me. But I’ll be lying if I said that the thought of Carmen Sandiego doesn’t still turn me on a little sometimes.

Perhaps surprisingly, my wife’s Halloween costumes were usually pretty chaste. That’s not to say that she didn’t wear something less so, or even something overtly provocative, when we were invited to Halloween parties – Vampire Woman in 2004, Sexy Cat in 2012, Rose Tyler in 2014 – but she’s a teacher, and most years her costume fit into a school-appropriate theme shared among other teachers at her grade level. She wasn’t going to dress up for work as, say, an orange and then plan something completely different to take our daughter trick-or-treating in.

Day 29: We are down to the final 2 days of this challenge and now I’d like to hear from you! What did you like/dislike or wish I had included?
I have thoroughly enjoyed participating in 30 Days Sex Positive this month! I appreciated the motivation to not only blog something regularly, but also to write on a daily basis. I used to sit and write for at least half an hour every day, but over the last year this practice has regrettably fallen by the wayside as other things take priority. I especially liked the Halloween-related prompts, as Halloween is my favorite holiday and holds a lot of nostalgia and emotional significance. Being able to revisit certain episodes from my past was exciting, and actually inspired me to adapt one (and eventually maybe more than one) of these episodes as a standalone post, currently in progress. Perhaps what I liked best was how liberating it felt to write every day. Because I was prompted, I felt like I could open up and write freely, without restraint. Given my current semi-isolated state, I relish any opportunity I have to communicate my feelings to others. And while I sometimes have such opportunities, sex (my favorite subject) is almost never a topic that comes up.

As for what I disliked, other than the fact that it’s coming to an end I can’t think of anything. I am confident that I will not come away from 30 Days Sex Positive wishing the prompts had been different or feeling like there’s something I need to express but didn’t get the opportunity to do so. I don’t feel as though anything is lacking in any way. The prompts were thought-provoking, fun, and often very sexy. They covered a wide array of intriguing topics, and gave me reason to dig deep in order to answer them frankly, honestly, and sincerely. As soon as I finished answering one prompt, I usually found myself wondering what the following day’s would be and wishing I could start writing my response right away. For this jaded fortysomething, that anticipation is sadly all too rare. 30 Days Sex Positive also gave me cause to reflect on what “sex positive” means to me, and whether the label applies. Fortunately, I am confident that it does.

Thank you for this opportunity! I look forward to seeing what you come up with next year!