For this assignment, I have chosen to write about my friend Jack. Like me, Jack was born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area. As an only child, his immediate family consisted only of his parents and himself. However, during his youth and adolescence, Jack did have regular contact with aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides of his family. Jack attended a Catholic preschool for two years, but the remainder of his education, from kindergarten through twelfth grade, was spent in public schools.
Jack’s religious training consisted of a mere two years of C.C.D, during which time he made his first confession, and received his First Holy Communion. He has never made his Confirmation, a requirement of the Catholic Church. His family attended church services semi-regularly during Jack’s childhood, although in his early adolescence and teenage years, his attendance waned, until by his own admission he only attended church for Easter and Christmas Eve masses. Although currently living within walking distance of his local parish, he says that he has not attended mass in two years.
Jack believes that his exposure to religion, and Catholicism in particular, has definitely affected his sexual attitudes and values. But rather than inhibiting him in any fashion, the repressive nature of the Catholic religion has only served to make him more aware of, and interested in, his sexuality. “The Catholic Church is notorious for its reactionary outlook on human sexuality,” he says. “The official position of the church prohibits everything except old-fashioned, lights-out, missionary position husband-and-wife sexual intercourse. Sex that occurs for any reason beyond procreation is frowned upon.” As a result of what he perceived as the church trying to implant guilt in individuals who simply want to enjoy themselves sexually, Jack vowed not to let anyone dictate the limits of his sexual expression. When presented with a list of sexual practices the church frowns upon, Jack acknowledges that he has tried most of them. “Except same-sex interaction,” he says, almost apologetically. “For all my liberal sexual openmindedness, it’s not really my thing.”
During his youth and adolescence, Jack received expressions of affection from both of his parents. His mother was better able to display emotions than his father, who was raised by parents who simply did not feel affection for one another, and thus did not show any. He recalls seeing his parents hugging and kissing, and admits that this shaped his attitudes about romantic love. However, in virtually all respects, his mother was the one who initiated such expressions.
Jack’s parents never spoke to him about sexuality, although this was not due to any unwillingness on their part. When they tried to explain sexual intercourse with him (with Jack’s mother leading the talk), he refused to participate due to embarrassment. Although unsure as to when this took place, he guesses that it was probably during elementary school. At this time, he already had a good idea as to the generalities of sex, having learned as many children do from his peers at school. He learned the specific details from library books read during his early adolescence.
During his earlier childhood, one clear message his parents tried to send him was that nudity was a bad thing. They did this by forbidding him from watching any movies in which an actress appeared nude. However, he did not accept this message, and realized not only that his parents must have been wrong, but that they were hypocrites, since they allowed him to watch movies with violent scenes. Jack realized that his parents were simply not going to change their feelings about this matter, but he did not let their feelings influence his. As he got older, he secretly sought out books and movies that contained female nudity in order to satisfy his curiosity. Today, Jack seems to have no hang-ups regarding nudity, either his own or anyone else’s.
“It’s not like the naked body is something that is inherently sexual,” he says. “I can see people having hang-ups about sex, because that’s the culture we’ve created for ourselves. But nudity has nothing to do with sex, really. Sure, people are frequently naked when they have sex, but it’s not an equation. I understand that society says we have to cover up. I get that. But the notion that nudity is something to be ashamed of, or apologize for? Or be squeamish about? I’m not down with that. I never will be.”
As a child, Jack was aware of gender expectations and roles. However, he did not feel constrained or limited by his gender, and consciously tried to override such programming in order to experience a fuller, more diverse life. He played with action figures, enjoyed video games, and in social settings with other boys sometimes played more politically-correct variations of “Cowboys and Indians”. He also spent time playing house with his female cousins. Although he liked sports, one thing that Jack couldn’t fathom was the expectation that he constantly play football. “I love watching it,” he says. “But every time I went to a friend’s house between, say, fifth grade and eighth grade, they always wanted to play football. It didn’t matter if there were two of us or six. I was like, ‘Jesus, give it a rest!’”
There was no sexual experimentation during this stage of Jack’s life. Still a shy person by his own admission, during his early development Jack recalls wondering what it would be like to kiss a girl – although at this point he never thought about going any further. He felt nervous and recalls being afraid that he wouldn’t know what to do. As he entered puberty, Jack noticed the various body changes he had read about earlier, and had come to expect. His feelings about the opposite sex gradually became more sexual in nature, and he discovered deliberate masturbation – as opposed to early childhood experimentation with the genitals – at age eleven. At first he considered it simply an enjoyable practice. It took him awhile to actively associate masturbation with the sexual feelings he had been feeling for some time. He had his first orgasm from masturbation at age twelve.
Jack also places what he calls his first “real” kiss at age twelve. The girl he kissed was a school friend who had expressed an interest in kissing him. Excited, Jack obliged, though the kiss was simple and closed-mouthed. When asked by the girl to “go steady”, Jack balked, citing the fact that they were twelve, he didn’t drive or live within walking distance, and therefore didn’t see any way of making a dating relationship work1. The first time he participated in sexual experimentation, he was fifteen years of age. While making out with his then-girlfriend, she let him feel her breasts beneath her shirt and bra. At the same time, she caressed him through his jeans, and the relationship progressed from there. The two lost their virginity to each other the following year.
“The first time was really exciting,” Jack says, somewhat wistfully. “You know, we were sixteen. As far as we were concerned, we were ready.” Although neither he nor she knew as much about sex as they might have, or thought they did, it was an enjoyable experience for both. In Jack’s opinion, having sex brought them closer together. Although they had been dating for more than a year, Jack chose this occasion to finally tell her he loved her, something he had been aware of for some time. He proudly states that they used protection every time they had sexual intercourse. “I trusted her implicitly. I didn’t think in a million years that she would ever cheat on me. I just didn’t want her to get pregnant.”
However, she did cheat on Jack, something that hurt him deeply. Although their relationship was on-again, off-again for awhile, Jack cared about his girlfriend very much, and claims that he was entirely faithful to her. When she admitted to having slept with other men while they were dating, he broke up with her on the spot.2 This occurred just as Jack was entering college.
During his first year at junior college, Jack dated more frequently than he had in the past, and broadened his sexual horizons with several different women he met there. With good humor, he admits that he cannot recall all of their names. “I wasn’t looking for commitment at this point,” he says. “I was totally jaded and the last thing I wanted was to be hurt again. I wanted the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be loved. But I was eighteen. I wanted to get laid, and I didn’t want to have my heart broken again.”
Jack continued having relatively loveless sex through his first year of college. During his second year, he was reluctantly drawn into another relationship. Although the relationship seemed to have potential initially, it was built primarily on sex. Jack describes the woman as “crazy”, though he declines to elaborate. “I’m no psychologist,” he says with a sigh. “To the layperson, she was just crazy.” Prompted, he suggests she may have been bipolar, though he admits to not knowing exactly what that means. He confesses that he spent too much time with her, and after being hurt once again he fell back into the pattern in which he found himself after his earlier breakup. Even more determined not to become emotionally involved with a woman, Jack resumed dating casually.
Last year, Jack met a woman in college. They have been dating for “several months”. Although I note that he has referred to this woman as his girlfriend twice, he’s not ready to classify this relationship as serious. Time will tell if the “relationship followed by casual dating” pattern repeats itself yet again. Jack notes that their dating relationship was not built on a foundation of immediate sex, but rather one of apparently-mutual respect. They met in an English literature class, and found that they have some favorite authors in common. They also share musical interests, and an enjoyment of cooking.
Jack laments that he and his girlfriend – there’s that word again – do not have as much sex as either would like. This is due not to any apparent sexual incompatibility or lack of desire, but rather to the fact that both live at home, and weigh themselves down with so many work and school obligations that they have difficulty setting aside sufficient quality “alone” time for themselves. “That’s okay though,” he says confidently. “Neither of us is complaining.”
He estimates that they have sexual intercourse on average of once or twice a week. Since they live an hour apart, it is difficult for them to get together at opportune times. Typically when they have sex, it occurs at Jack’s house. The typical sex session lasts an hour or so, as his girlfriend inexplicably has a curfew. On occasion they have an entire weekend to themselves, though such an arrangement requires that she lie to her parents about who she’s with.
The woman he has dating has tried using birth control pills, but had an adverse reaction to them. She plans to talk to her doctor about depo provera, although Jack doesn’t know when that will happen. In the meantime, they usually use condoms. Jack admits to not using them with 100% regularity, and acknowledges the risk. However, he feels like he can trust the woman he is with. He is optimistic that his trust isn’t misplaced.
Jack considers his most enjoyable sexual experience to be the first time he had sex with a woman he met at junior college. She was somebody who he had classes with during his first semester, and found immensely attractive. During his second semester, he got to know her better, and eventually he entered into a brief sexual relationship with her. He found that she possessed a tremendous sexual energy the likes of which he had never encountered before. As he puts it, “She was a few years older than me, and she came across as very free-spirited and, for lack of a better word, wild. I had all of these preconceptions about her sexually, and I was delighted to discover that they were very real.”
Although he is reluctant to classify any of his sexual experiences as being poor or negative, Jack considers one experience, with a girl he met in Southern California while on a trip, to be a bad one. She was staying at the same hotel where his mother was having business meetings all weekend, and the two spent the majority of their time together in her room, exploring their sexuality. Jack enjoyed the sex, but considers it a bad experience because he finds it depressing in retrospect.3 “We used each other, pure and simple. I don’t even remember her name.” At the time, he recalls that the casual encounter was a tremendous ego boost.
When asked about his favorite fantasy, Jack says without hesitation, “Having a threesome with two women.” He has fantasized about such a scenario for years, and says that several of the women he has had sex with were interested in it as well, although nothing ever came of it. His current girlfriend is sexually attracted to women, although she has not yet acted on this attraction. Jack wonders if his threesome fantasy will finally come true. He also wonders, when push comes to shove, if he actually wants it to come true. He enjoys the fantasy, but for all he knows he might like it to stay that way.
In ten years, Jack considers that he would like his sex life to be as enjoyable as it is currently. Regardless of whether or not he is in a sexual relationship, or just casually dating, he would like to be sexually active, and to have had a threesome, or some other variety of group sex.
I believe that Jack’s sexual attitudes were determined largely by his upbringing. His adult sexual life was shaped not only did the positive aspects of his upbringing such as his parents’ openly affectionate nature, but also the negative aspects such as exposure to the repressive nature of the Catholic church. He is determined to fight such negativity and live his sexual life on his own terms.
I chose to interview Jack for this assignment because although we have been friends for twelve years, however, we have not had the opportunity or the need to explore our sexual histories with each other at length. We had very little knowledge of each other sexually. Because of this assignment, I learned a lot of things about Jack that I never would have guessed. We have grown much closer than we ever were before. At first, I was somewhat embarrassed about doing this project with Jack.4 However, his outgoing nature made it much easier for me. He opened me up and made me feel comfortable in talking about my sexuality. In addition, he was able to talk frankly about his own, and his sense of humor added a lot to the experience. This assignment was fun.
