The State of Jack, Part 2 of 4

The State of My Sexual and Romantic Life

Wherein I examine the state of my relationships.

(If you haven’t read Part 1, it can be found here.)

2019 was the first year in recent memory in which I didn’t have sex with another person for the first time. And I understand that much of that was due to logistics, money, and a desire to focus on my marriage (and to a lesser extent my existing relationships) over anything new. It wasn’t a lack of opportunity; overtures were made by at least one Twitter friend to take things offline. And 2020 was the first year in more than a decade in which I didn’t have sex with someone who was not my wife. Obviously the pandemic was to blame, but by the end of the year I was left with the thought that I might as well be monogamous.

In the weeks leading to the enactment of the shelter-in-place order I had been trying to cultivate an ongoing friends-with-benefits thing with someone who was certainly interested in me as much as I was interested in her. She identified as polyamorous but wasn’t looking for anything serious. Plus she was local, which is uncommon for me. We flirted via text and even saw each other socially. I looked forward to seeing where it went, as it had been a long time since I’d had a local partner. I have no reason to believe she wasn’t thinking along the same lines. But then the quarantine began and she stopped returning my messages. There was no “Sucks we can’t hang out but hopefully soon”. No “Thinking of you as I charge my vibrator”. No “Wish we’d gotten to fuck before lockdown started”. Hey, that’s cool. Maybe she isn’t into mind-blowing G-spot orgasms and the kind of oral sex that leaves you lying in a puddle.

As our county went into lockdown in mid-March, our friend M told me that she had invited a onetime friend-with-benefits who lived in a different state to fly down and quarantine with her at her apartment. At the time we were told the lockdown portion of the pandemic would be only a couple weeks, and while I thought it risky I said nothing beyond reminding her she’d have to stay away from her elderly mother. She was excited by the prospect of rekindling this old romance; she was working from home, and the guy was doing the same. There was no reason why he couldn’t do so from her place.

The arrangement seemed fine for about a week. Though she reported no sex, they had fun cooking together, watching TV, and essentially being roommates. When sex finally did occur, she initiated it; he was not as proactive or enthusiastic as she had expected. Though I didn’t say so, it was clear to me that he was disinterested, but M was still optimistic. She had feelings. Every day she would message me to tell me of some new positive development, but reading between the lines I could see that things weren’t great. Simply put, her pandemic roomie wasn’t into her. Maybe he just wanted her company during lockdown. Maybe he found himself less physically attracted once he arrived than he thought he’d be. Either way, the writing was on the wall but she couldn’t see it. Or maybe she could see it – because it was obvious from where I was standing – and just didn’t want to acknowledge reality.

After about two and a half weeks, he had to go back home and take care of some things. Which makes sense; the shelter-in-place order had extended beyond the initial two-week estimate. The plan was for him to go home, tend to whatever needed tending to for a week or so, maybe pack some things he hadn’t packed the first time around, and fly back to spend the rest of the lockdown with her. Or at least, that’s what he told her. But given his disinterest, I figured he wasn’t coming back. And I believe, at least on a subconscious level, M had the same thought. She waited, hoping for the best. But as communication between her and him broke down she acknowledged she was losing hope. She realized she had been played before she saw him hanging out with another woman on social media, but that’s when she finally voiced it. And I acknowledged that I was glad I was not her.

As the months wore on I began to feel not unlike M. My non-local longtime partner grew distant; her entire family was now home all day every day, and as alone time evaded her she became sexually unresponsive. At the same time, without the possibility of an in-person meeting she was seemingly less emotionally invested in me. There was no intimacy of any kind. There was no sense that she was still interested, nor was there reassurance that she would want to see me when the pandemic was over. There was no validation that our relationship was still a thing.

We continued to talk. It seemed like we were still close friends. But we were not where we had been the last few years, and it seemed like we never would be. It still does seem that way, actually. And that’s okay; no one is entitled to a relationship with another person. But it’s hard when an ongoing situation to which one has grown accustomed changes dramatically without any acknowledgment of the change.

She wasn’t the only one, of course. As I said in my previous post, the connections I used to be able to count on, the relationships I’d nurtured and enjoyed, have changed or ended outright, some even before the pandemic began. Feelings change. Needs change. Circumstances change. In some cases the romantic and flirty aspects drop off while remaining friendly. But I’ve found that when someone tires of the sexual component of your friendship, they don’t tell you “I don’t want to be sexual anymore.” They just stop doing it and hope you don’t bring it up.

And that’s fine. I am not owed an explanation from anybody. Still, I like – and arguably deserve – to know where I stand. If I know sex talk with someone who used to enjoy it is now off the table, I want to make sure I don’t ignorantly attempt to steer a conversation in that direction, especially if doing so might inadvertently cause the other person anxiety or otherwise put a strain on the friendship if one exists.

That being said, I understand why it’s such a difficult conversation for a woman to have with a man she knows well, much less a relative stranger on the internet. Obviously I know I’m not entitled to sex, but the average woman doesn’t know I know it. And given that a large portion of men would be inclined to viciously lash out in response to such a conversation, it is not unreasonable that the average woman would rather avoid it

Post-script: In January, my non-local longtime partner floated the idea of us spending time together once we were both vaccinated. No concrete plans were made, but I felt excited to know it was something she was still thinking about. There was no further mention of such a reunion until earlier this month, when she told me she was not interested – whether permanently or temporarily she could not say – in meeting for sex. I wasn’t particularly surprised, though I was surprised she actually told me. And I was surprised to find that in the wake of this conversation we are closer than we’ve been in more than a year. I’d rather have renewed friendship and no sex than emotional distance and no sex.

To be continued.

The State of Jack, Part 1 of 4

COVID-19 and Me

Wherein I examine how my life has changed during the ongoing pandemic.

It’s been fourteen months since COVID-19 turned my life – and everyone’s – upside down. It was mid-March 2020 when we went into lockdown, and everything about day-to-day life changed. I think I felt the change more than most; for more than six months, I had gotten used to having as much as nine or ten hours of solitude a day while my family was at work and school.

Sure, I went to a weekly writing meetup, and my regular Tuesday afternoon therapy session. I went grocery shopping, and sometimes sat and read while eating lunch at a local eatery or drinking lunch at a local bar. Once in awhile I took in a movie on opening day. But I’ve been self-employed for more than fifteen years; I don’t have co-workers and I don’t fraternize with my clients. Beyond that, with the exception of my wife none of my regular romantic and/or sexual partners are local, nor do I have friends who I see in person more than once or twice a year. Prior to the pandemic, my wife and daughter usually left for school by seven and were home by five o’clock. I knew social isolation very well.

Suddenly virtually everything shut down. Movie theaters, coffee shops, restaurants and other businesses were shuttered, and despite the assurance that this societal cessation would be over in a matter of a couple weeks, there was uncertainty as to the short- and long-term consequences of this hiatus. While grocery stores remained open, they had reduced hours, long lines even just to enter, and new protocols intended to mitigate the spread of the virus. Suddenly we were wearing masks, spacing out more than six feet as we shopped, scrubbing our produce with hydrogen peroxide, and trading our children’s college funds for toilet paper.

Teachers taught and students attended school virtually, through webcams and on computer screens. In the space of a day I went from having more solitude than I wanted or knew what to do with – which usually involved tending to my business, doing laundry and general household chores, writing, grocery shopping, dinner prep, masturbating, and if I was feeling particularly self-indulgent, a couple hours spent watching television or playing Xbox – to being able to expect none of the solitude and solo decompression I needed for my own mental health, while somehow simultaneously experiencing even more social isolation than I could stand.

It turns out that I’m much more of an extrovert than I thought. Being a stay-at-home parent for almost a decade put that side of me to sleep and, aided and abetted by rising social anxiety, brought my introversion to the forefront. While my tweets suggest that introversion is my dominant quality, I wasn’t always this way.

Throughout my life I have thrived on in-person social interaction, while still requiring alone time to recharge. But suddenly being unable to hang out with friends and hug loved ones who don’t live with me was painful. Knowing it could be a long time until I could see these people and in fact some of these people might not be alive when it was once again safe to see them – over time that became nearly unbearable. I didn’t know when I could once again warm a barstool while enjoying a craft beer. I didn’t know when I’d have a spur-of-the-moment trip to the public library. I didn’t know if these places would still exist when things returned to normal.

COVID-19 wasn’t the only source of darkness in 2020. The U.S. was not only suffering through the most corrupt presidential administration, but dealing with an increasing portion of the population so completely duped by right-wing con artistry that they gleefully embraced (and continued to embrace) their own subjugation. We saw no abatement of police violence against people of color in this country, and despite widespread public demand of systemic change during summer 2020 I do not feel optimistic.

At the same time, I was coping with my own (largely self-imposed) feelings of guilt, shame, and failure and the associated strain it put on my marriage. I had largely cut out carbs and sugar. None of these things made life wonderful under the best of circumstances, but throw a pandemic into the mix and stronger people than I are sure to feel unhealthy levels of stress. We were living in a dystopia. We arguably still are.

As I said before, I was used to some measure of isolation. My social circle, to the extent that I’ve ever actually had one, has always been pretty small. Pre-COVID, the typical day saw my in-person social interaction beyond immediate family limited to waitstaff and cashiers. For years I was used to conducting most of my social activity online or otherwise in a virtual capacity while spending much of my time alone. But no longer having the option of attending a friend’s birthday party or eating a meal at a restaurant sucked, and as the months passed it really affected me. It has been a long, lonely, anxiety-filled year.

My pandemic experience has been marked by a lack of intimacy. There is a woeful dearth of physical intimacy in my life, but I’m feeling the lack of emotional intimacy as well. My relationships have slowed down, dried up, and generally died off. Some of the people who have been my partners have lost interest. The single people have gotten into other relationships, while the polyamorous people have gotten into monogamous relationships. Some have succumbed to feelings of depression and withdrawn. Some have just disappeared. Whereas the majority of the last decade there was someone I could talk to, flirt with, to get off with, and maybe even to look forward to seeing in person, there is none of that. Essentially, there is virtually nothing to look forward to.

That’s understandable, though. Life is bound to change, moreso during a plague. Things get put on hold – or end – for a number of possible reasons. But now it’s May 2021 and I’m completely vaccinated. And while I understand it’s not necessarily feasible or advisable to get on a plane for a few hours and then hole up in a hotel room with someone you know well (much less a casual acquaintance or relative stranger), thoughts of doing exactly that, and the hope that I’d be able to do so again once COVID-19 was no longer as big a threat to public health as it was in the beginning, kept me going to some extent. But even when it is once again safe, my options are limited.

To be continued.

Sinful Sunday: Just Another Shower Picture

I take a lot of pictures in the shower, or in the bathroom while I’m waiting for the water to heat up to my preferred temperature. More often than not, such pictures end up being shared with the world through my Twitter account, though it is not uncommon for them to wind up here, usually as part of a Sinful Sunday post. The most recent instance was February 15.

Why do I take so many pictures of this sort? For one thing, we are on month nine of a global pandemic. My wife and child seldom leave the house. Simply put, the bathroom is the only place in our very small home where I can be guaranteed a few minutes’ solitude.

Additionally, it is the only room that has negative space. There are no other places in our home where I can photograph myself without having to frame or edit the shot to ensure the background is free of clutter, or even just furniture, wall art, or other distractions.

Most of all, though, if I’m taking a shower I’m already naked. So I may as well share myself with anyone who’d care for a look.

See who else is being sinful at Molly’s Daily Kiss!

Sinful Sunday

Sinful Sunday: Noir


This week’s Sinful Sunday was inspired by a comment from Molly on last week’s post:

I am curious now as to how you would edit this picture if you could? Maybe you should do that and post the difference?

I enjoy editing photos. It’s always exciting to see how a slight alteration of color, lighting, or framing can completely change the tone of an image. With the color drained save for a slight blue tint, the photo now has a decided film noir feel to it. Looking at it, I feel like a square-jawed 1940s private eye meeting with a beautiful but venomous femme fatale to discuss a case.

Hmm. Now I feel like writing some erotica in the guise of a hard-boiled detective story.

See who else is being sinful at Molly’s Daily Kiss!

Sinful Sunday