A year and a half ago, a female friend of Jill and myself, constantly frustrated by the typical travails of a single woman in her thirties hoping to meet Mr. Right or a reasonable fascimile thereof, came to me for advice. Being a resonable fascimile of Mr. Right myself, I humbly offered her my expert tutelage. What follows is the e-mail I sent her, which she actually printed out and which we subsequently discussed while drinking at a local Chili’s Grill & Bar.
I would like to say that my advice was so spot-on, so unquestionably perfect, that she immediately met the love of her life and they’re getting married this weekend in Las Vegas! I would like to say this, but it would be a lie. I will say (without any tangible proof) that my advice has certainly improved her ability to locate and date compatible men. However, while she is attending a wedding in Las Vegas this weekend, it is that of a very close friend and not her own. Oh well.
Anyway, without further ado, here it is. Note that clarifications and addenda are included in italics.
THE BASICS
FIRST – be yourself.
SECOND – know your value as not only a romantic or sexual partner, but also as a human being. Be confident in your beauty and desirability, and bear in mind that, in the dating scene, women always have the upper hand. The market is flooded with hundreds of thousands of men all competing for the same fifty or so women; that fact alone makes you a very valuable commodity. Don’t jump through hoops for an available man. Let the available man jump through hoops for you.
THIRD – ignore all dating tips found in “Women’s magazines” like Cosmopolitan, Vogue and Glamour. Women’s magazines are bullshit propaganda run by clueless idiots and designed to promote the status quo. None have ever published a single bit of useful advice pertaining to relations (sexual or otherwise) between men and women. Additionally anything any human being can do to put these horrible publications out of business is truly God’s work, so by ignoring them you are killing two birds with one stone.
FOURTH – if intimidation is a concern, refrain from trying to pick up guys while out with a group of friends. Men are much less likely to be intimidated by a woman who approaches them alone than by one who approaches them with her entourage. This is a vastly preferable course of action than changing your personality, as men who are attracted to a mousy, quiet woman will bolt at the first sign of your real personality. (See “FIRST”, above.)
Note: The friend for whom this e-mail was intended is very forward, and the possibility of intimidating a single guy was a specific concern of hers.
FIFTH – the cougar thing is awful and makes you sound predatory. Older women in search of younger men should think better of themselves than to liken themselves to wild animals, which makes the rest of us feel sorry for them and laugh uncontrollably at the idea of a woman prancing about like some sort of wildcat. While I understand that for some women, the term “cougar” is a sort of defense mechanism, the truth is that there is nothing wrong with or shameful about your sexuality. It is a gift that anyone would be privileged to experience, and should not be seen as an offensive capability.
Note: Until meeting (not literally) fellow blogger Cougar in Training, I had never used this term with a straight face unless I was talking about the animal species puma concolor
, in which case I’d probably just say “mountain lion”. While I stand by my opinion of the concept of addressing oneself as a cougar, I concede that some cougars (especially those still in training) are really hot.
SIXTH – if you have not already done so, establish an e-mail address that you give only to potential hookups. Do not associate any personal information with this e-mail address, not even your full name. Avoid using this e-mail address for any other purpose.
PLACES TO MEET GUYS YOU MAY NOT HAVE CONSIDERED
Bookstore/café
College library
Dog park
Gym
Online
Shopping mall
Comic convention
Comic shop
Video store (while some still exist)
(If bars have not been working, avoid them.)
TYPES OF SINGLE GUYS YOU MAY BE INTERESTED IN
Note: When the following personality type analyses were written, it was not my intention to share them on this blog. The sarcasm with which the following is imbued should be familiar to anyone who has read one of our TMI Tuesday entries, and like those entries much of what follows is meant in jest. No offense is intended to anyone who identifies with any of the following personality types. Also, while many of the points made will be universal, your mileage may vary. Additionally, these analyses are intended for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for any unforeseen outcomes resulting from your use. None of the following is to be taken as an endorsement or condemnation of any given personality type. Use only as directed.
The Geek:
This guy will wow you with his knowledge of World of Warcraft, knows how to speak Klingon, and can recite more Monty Python routines word-for-word than you’ve ever even seen. He may not be particularly flashy, and may actually be socially retarded; but because geeks tend to be grateful for your attention, they are therefore open to suggestion and eager to please.
Pros:
You’ll have a lot in common. Also, geeks are usually quite well-read and knowledgeable about a variety of subjects. Additionally, since geeks are commonly late bloomers in the ways of love, many have spent much time reading about what they’re missing out on, and are thus unbelievable in the sack.
Cons:
Geeks can be annoying, socially awkward, or unwilling to take charge. Geeks sometimes accumulate vast amounts of stuff, including comics, toys and gaming paraphernalia. Also, since the geek spectrum is quite large, there’s a good chance that the geek you pick up will be of a different type than what you’re looking for, i.e. you’re a sci-fi geek and your newfound boy toy is crazy for comics. Yes, areas of geekdom do frequently overlap, but this is not guaranteed.
Natural Habitat:
Comic shops, electronics stores, bookstores, libraries, college campuses, Apple Stores, midnight movie premieres
Your Strategy and Approach:
Because Geeks are a sheepish, sometimes easily-frightened subcategory, your potential Geek hookup may be unwilling to make the first move out of fear of rejection. Because of this, you will probably have to initiate contact. Talking with a geek in a relaxed, social setting will demonstrate that you have common interests and may help him to overcome his shyness. Bear in mind that an aggressive approach should not be your first choice. Taking a more passive tact with a potential Geek hookup may prove a boost to his self-esteem and inspire him to take charge.
The Intellectual:
This guy values intelligence over all else. He is calm, rational, and logical. When he doesn’t have his nose buried in a book, he may be writing one. Always certain to impress your parents, if not make them wonder what he’s doing with you, an intellectual is likely to be an acadmic, a researcher, or a scientist.
Pros:
Intellectuals are smart, mature, and articulate. As such, they are unlikely to use internet shorthand like “ROFL”, “LMAO”, or “OMG” during spoken conversation. Their analytical nature leads them to look at any situation or problem from all angles. Like the geek, the Intellectual is probably knowledgeable, and what’s more, the Intellectual’s knowledge base is not primarily based on pop culture and therefore actually useful. Also, the Intellectual’s inclination toward the fields of science and engineering may mean your prospective pickup has major bank.
Cons:
Intellectuals are usually guided by their minds as opposed to their emotions, and because of this they are sometimes unable to relate to people. The Intellectual’s analytical nature may indicate a lack of imagination in the bedroom. Their tendency to debate may prove annoying over time. Depending on how they view women, an Intellectual might feel threatened by your superior intelligence, or alternately may flaunt what he perceives as his own intellectual superiority. They are unlikely to be inclined toward any particular religious beliefs, though depending on your own spiritual leanings, this may be better placed under the “Pros” heading.
Natural Habitat:
Bookstores, libraries, coffee shops, college campuses
Your Strategy and Approach:
Since many Intellectuals are confident and well-adjusted, an aggressive approach is typically not a deal-breaker. Your Intellectual prospect might appreciate your honesty and decisiveness, though you may find your forward nature the subject of his “expert analysis”.
The Religious Type:
This guy believes in some manner of possibly make-believe nonsense. Be it Jesus, Budddha, Cthulhu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Religious Type is willing to believe in some Great Intangible for which he has been given absolutely no proof. You may find the Religious Type to be a suitable romantic partner, but there’s a good chance that he loves his possibly non-existent deity of choice more than he loves you.
Pros:
Religious Types are often – though not always – non-violent, loving people. Their faith in their religion probably translates to faith in their relationships, which means he won’t play around behind your back. Also, because they typically adhere to traditional gender roles, a Religious Type is more likely to take charge in a relationship than to wait for you to do so. Additionally, the fact that Religious Types come in multiple flavors from Christian to Muslim to Scientologist, as well as from casual practitioner to frothing-at-the-mouth fundamentalist psychopath, means that dating them can potentially be an exciting (if unpredictable) adventure.
Cons:
There is no guarantee that the Religious Type you hook up with will find your religion compatible with his own, and in fact his religion may be openly at odds with yours. Religious Types are often extremely conservative both politically and socially. They are not known for their sexual open-mindedness; you are unlikely to experience sex before marriage with a Religious Type, and for that matter once you’re married you’re unlikely to experience anything but vanilla lights off missionary position sex. In extreme cases, Religious Types are dangerous lunatics, and even if they don’t manifest their violence toward you, this individual may bring with him more baggage than he is worth.
Natural Habitat:
Church, religious supply stores, bookstores, book burnings, anti-abortion rallies
Your Strategy and Approach:
An aggressive approach is definitely not called for, in keeping with the Religious Type’s adherence to traditional gender roles. Dress conservatively. When attempting to hook up with a Religious Type you should be passive to the point of submission, and non-vocal. In fact, being flirtatious is probably too aggressive for the typical Religious Type.
The Sports Fan:
This guy is just as obsessed with minutiae as the Geek, but because the minutiae on which he’s fixated includes the statistics of every player on his favorite team as opposed to the powers of every member of the X-Men, he probably won’t appreciate being called that. Like the Religious Type, this guy has a Sunday ritual, but his involves sitting on his favorite comfortable chair and watching football all day.
Pros:
The loyalty that many die-hard sports fans show to their favorite teams is probably an indicator of how they feel about their relationships. Willingness to drop hundreds if not thousands of dollars on season tickets, clothing and other team paraphernalia points to healthy feelings about commitment. Additionally, because sports are ubiquitous in American society, the Sports Fan comes in multiple flavors, from blue collar slob to upwardly mobile professional.
Cons:
If you’re not particularly into sports, none of the above will matter to you, and in fact you may find your Sports Fan’s obsession alienating. If you are into sports, your Sports Fan pickup may not be into the same one(s) that you are. Many Sports Fans who only watch sports as opposed to participating are out of shape, thanks to their sedentary lifestyle and excessive consumption of beer. Speaking of which, you may find yourself pressured into a subservient role (i.e. beer wench) come game time. Also, some Sports Fans riot and burn things when their teams WIN. Choose carefully.
Natural Habitat:
Sports bars, sporting events, sports memorabilia conventions
Your Strategy and Approach:
Though in generations past, professional sports was the exclusive domain of men, today many Sports Fans prefer to enjoy their sporting events with like-minded women. Therefore you may demonstrate your knowledge of sports without fear of rejection. Visiting a sports bar while wearing the colors of a local sports team is a good way to be noticed by a potential Sports Fan hookup, if not several.
The Player:
Slick and polished, this guy knows the ins and outs of the game, and is eager to play it with you, whether you like it or not. Though not a good long-term prospect, consider the Player if you’re looking for some no-strings-attached fun.
Pros:
Players are suave, handsome, excellent at flirtation, and will pull out all the stops to get you into bed. And since they’ve had lots of practice, once you’re there you’ll probably be in good hands.
Cons:
There’s probably not much chance of fostering a long-term, serious relationship with a Player. Emotional attachment is unwise, since there’s no chance of reciprocation, and you’re unlikely to be the only woman he’s sleeping with. Though not necessarily a common phenomenon, some Players are selfish lovers. Others are more egregious transmitters of disease than Patient Zero, and worse yet, unaware of this fact.
Natural Habitat:
Bars and clubs, upscale men’s clothing stores
Your Approach:
Hang out by the bar looking hot, and he’ll come to you. But be sure you have an exit strategy in mind beforehand (preferably something decisive along the lines of “get in and get out”) in order to minimize your chances of being hurt by a Player.
The Professional:
This guy is skilled, smooth-talking, social and upwardly mobile. Whether working in a downtown high-rise or the owner of a small business, the Professional frequently represents nothing so much as absolute and total stability.
Pros:
Where do I begin? Professionals are likely to be financially well-off. They are usually intelligent (frequently though not always a college graduate), confident and goal-oriented. They may be ethical and/or trustworthy. They maintain high standards of performance and may be perfectionists, both of which bode well for your bedroom activities. Most Professionals, especially those who work in a corporate setting, are incredibly sharp-dressers.
Cons:
The Professional and the Player may overlap. Some Professionals are, by necessity, salesmen and will do or say anything to close a deal. Additionally, because the Professional is by nature dedicated to his profession, he may work long hours or even be fixated on his work to the point of shunning all else. Expect an inconvenient last minute change-of-plans at least occasionally.
Natural Habitat:
Upscale eateries and bars
Your Strategy and Approach:
Though being employed in a vocation populated by young, upwardly-mobile professionals increases your chances of networking – and hooking up – with professionals, this is not your only option. Simply patronizing such a company increases your contact with cute guys in business suits. You should also get a sense for where the Professionals in your area hang out. Is there a trendy lunch spot that you’ve noticed serves a lot of people in business suits? Make it a habit to spend a couple lunch hours each week eating there, and you’ll quickly catch the eye of a Professional or two. As for your specific approach, remember that many Professionals are salesmen. Rather than taking an aggressive tact, merely sit back and listen while they make their pitch.
The Hippie:
Politically- and socially-conscious, this guy listens to The Grateful Dead, wears hemp, and smokes a lot of weed. Though frequently angry about one of a thousand social ills, his solution is to get together with a group of like-minded individuals and create the world’s largest fingerpainting.
Pros:
Hippies are sensitive to social issues including but not limited to women’s rights, and this coupled with the almost universal hippie sensitivity means they’re probably good lovers. They’re not usually aggressive, and in fact may be attracted to aggressive women. Additionally, hippies may be poetically, musically or artistically inclined.
Cons:
First and foremost, Hippies are gross. Soap and water are their Kryptonite. They eschew “normal” clothing, i.e. that made from animal by-products or by third-world child labor; and instead dress shabbily for political reasons. Socialist by nature, they are rarely employed and therefore unlikely to drop wads of cash in an attempt to impress you. In fact, a typical Hippie date probably involves being arrested for civil disobedience. And it should go without saying that, if a Hippie ever proposes marriage, he’ll do so without giving you a ring, since – as he’ll tell you – the diamond industry was built on the corpses of South African diamond miners. Of course, if you’ve been dating a Hippie long enough that he proposes marriage, you’ll already know this, and will be planning to honeymoon in Johannesburg in the hopes of shutting down De Beers.
Natural Habitat:
College campuses, protest marches or rallies, holding cells
Your Strategy and Approach:
If you’d really like to meet and possibly sleep with a foul-smelling, dirty, long-haired hippie – not that I recommend it – the quickest way is to join some sort of extreme left wing political organization or cause. U.S. out of Iraq? Not nearly extreme enough. I’m thinking more along the lines of Save the Endangered Amazonian Blood Tick, Marriage is Legal Slavery, The U.S. Government is Spying on us While We’re on the Toilet, or Women of Color Against Shaving Their Pubic Hair. (Remember that the more freaky and/or “niche” the cause, the more likely you are to be embraced by a Birkenstock-wearing, Phish-listening LSD freak.) But you can’t just join one of these groups; you must actually embrace and believe in their philosophy. That means looking and acting the part, and above all attending demonstrations. Hippies can sense insincerity, and unless you are genuine, you won’t succeed in snaring the unwashed man of your dreams.
The Frat Boy:
The pinnacle of immaturity, the Frat Boy is a hooting, hollering display of out-of-control testosterone. Although preferring the company of his fraternity brothers over women seems to be an indicator of latent homosexuality, these guys do manage to get laid. It’s just that when they’re finished, they won’t bother walking you to your car as they’re too busy letting another guy sniff their fingers.
Pros:
Because Frat Boys tend to be young, they are likely to have impressive stamina, and be at or near their sexual peak.
Cons:
Because Frat Boys tend to be young, they are more likely to be selfish, inexperienced or just plain lousy in bed. Also, Frat Boys WILL take naked pictures of you without your knowledge, and post them on the internet. If that’s not reason enough to stay away, Google “donkey punch.”
Natural Habitat:
College campuses, frat houses, sorority houses, keggers, liquor stores, bars, clubs
Your Strategy and Approach:
You don’t really want to date a Frat Boy, do you?
-Jack
