101 Places to Have Sex Before You Die

(Thanks to Mia Wallace for the suggestion!)

For Christmas, I bought Jill a book entitled “101 Places to Have Sex Before You Die.” It reads much like other guidebooks such as “1000 Places to See Before You Die” and “1001 Foods You Must Taste Before You Die”, listing various locations both usual and unusual, in which sex can truly be considered an achievement. To be fair, there were only 100 places, as the 101st place was left blank for the reader to fill in.

As we read the book, we were surprised to learn that we’ve already done the deed in a few of the suggested locations. That’s not to say that we couldn’t stand to add to our repertoire, but for now I don’t think we have cause to feel like our sex life is in any way boring or redundant.

Without further ado, here’s the list:

1. The Beach: I’ve never had sex on the beach – aside from the drink – but Jill has. According to her, it was just oral sex, but I say that still counts!
2. Floating Dock: The book promoted this one as a perfect spot for horny camp counselors to get it on. Neither of us have ever done it on a floating dock, but there is one at the lake where we take family camping trips, and I’d be lying if I said that it isn’t a frequent fantasy of ours.
3. Halloween Party: Already reported in our Friday, October 31st entry entitled “A Scare-ifying Halloween Story.” Not exactly having sex, but what the hell.
4. Baseball Dugout: No
5. The Car Hood: No
6. The Drive-In: Yes! This is a recent addition to our repertoire. Not wanting to miss the opportunity to have sex at our region’s last operating drive-in the way we missed the opportunity to fool around at our region’s last operating porn theater, we took action and remedied the situation.
7. The Drive-Thru: Okay, this one I just plain don’t get. Is there really enough appeal to having sex while getting take-out food to merit its inclusion in this list? I’m not sure I see myself able to steer the car through the drive-thru lane, as well as order, pay for, and receive my food, all the while trying to complete the act of love and not get arrested for public indecency. That being said, Jill once gave me a handjob while I was driving to, and driving-thru, a local Taco Bell, stopping just long enough for me to actually get our food.
8. The Airplane Bathroom: You just knew this one was going to make the list. While Jill and I are not members of the Mile-High Club in the truest sense of the term, we did once have some fun with each other right in our seats during a transatlantic flight. There was no actual penetration, but we did both get off.
9. The Dressing Room: No
10. The Confession Booth: Nope. My wife’s too Catholic for this one.
11. The Office: Jill hasn’t held too many office jobs in her life, but I have. And yes, I’ve had sex in most of the offices I’ve worked in. It’s a good thing none of my bosses know who I am.
12. The Copy Machine: No
13. The Boss’ Desk: See #11
14. The Zoo: No
15. Vegas Penthouse: No
16. On Camera: Yes
17. Marriage Counselor’s Office: No
18. The Kitchen Floor: Yes, as well as the table, and the edge of the counter, which is a fun place for cunnilingus, provided the surface isn’t too cold.
19. National Monuments: No
20. Hospital Room: No, though I once dated someone who worked at a hospital, and we had sex in one of the public bathrooms.
21. Waterfall: No
22. The Ski Lift: No
23. Elevator: When we lived in a building that had an elevator, we would occasionally have oral sex in it. Sometimes we would ride the elevator late at night and go down on each other, just out of range of the camera, listening for the familiar ring of the call button. Additionally, we did this once in the middle of the afternoon. The thrill of possible discovery made it very exciting.
24. Sauna/Steam Room: No
25. Hot Tub: Yes
26. On Top of the Washing Machine: Yes. And for the record, spin cycle is just as exciting as you’ve heard.
27. In Front of a Fire: Yes
28. Stairs: Yes
29. Taxi: No
30. House Under Construction: No
31. Limousine: Yes. On the morning of our wedding, we took a limo ride to a scenic spot to get some pictures, and our photographer rode with us. While he was out of earshot I told Jill that if we’d been alone we could have had sex in the limo. I was only half-joking, but it didn’t matter since there was no way my wife-to-be was going to risk wrinkling her dress or smudging her makeup. It was okay; there’d be plenty of opportunity for sex later, when we didn’t have to worry about our appearance. A week later we left for our honeymoon, making a stop to stay the night with some of my extended family out of town. When we arrived at the airport, my relatives sent a limo to pick us up, and the rest is history.
32. Photo Booth: We’ve thought about this one, but thanks to digital technology, virtually every photo booth has a screen on the outside to display what’s going on inside.
33. House of Mirrors: No
34. Phone Sex: Yes
35. Shower: Yes
36. Camping: Yes
37. Alley: No
38. Internet Hookup: Technically, Jill and I are an internet hookup. So I guess that counts.
39. Webcam: Yes
40. Second Life: No
41. Chair: Yes
42. Gym: No
43. Supply Closet: No
44. Safari: No
45. Adult Bookstore: No
46. Car Wash: No
47. The Grotto at the Playboy Mansion: No
48. Boat: Yes
49. Pilates Studio: No
50. Wedding: No
51. In-Laws’ House Over the Holidays: Yes (both sets of in-laws)
52. Museum: No
53. Office Christmas Party: No
54. Movie Theater: When I was nineteen or twenty, I got the briefest of handjobs (no ejaculation) in a movie theater. No one saw us. If we could find an operating adult theater, we’d try for oral.
55. Bathroom at a Club: No
56. Hourly Rate Motel: Yes (both in separate relationships)
57. Baseball Stadium: No
58. Neighbor’s House: No
59. Concert: No
60. High School Football Field: No
61. Open House: No
62. Fire Escape: No
63. Inflatable Boat: No
64. Motorcycle: No
65. Under the Boardwalk: No
66. Apple Orchard: No
67. Horse: No
68. Snowdrift: No
69. Central Park: Jill’s had sex at Central Park. No, not the one in New York. In the town where she grew up, there is a large park called, yes, Central Park, and she had sex there. So I’m going to say that counts.
70, Phone Booth: No – do these still exist?
71. Cemetery: No
72. Trampoline: No
73. Pirates of the Mediterranean Ride, Big Thunder Mount Me Railroad, It’s a Hard World After All: Clearly there was some sort of legal issue with the use of actual theme park ride names. And although we do spend some time at certain parks, we’ve never gotten it on at one. In fact, we were once warned by a Disneyland employee that even the darkest spots in their rides are under constant surveillance, and were we to get nasty we would have an audience. That probably wouldn’t have been a deterrent in and of itself, but getting ejected from the park probably would have.
74. Mardi Gras: No
75. Golf Course: No
76. Underground Garage: We would frequently have sex in the garage underneath Jill’s building. This provided us with one of our earliest exhibitionist thrills as a couple. We’d take a blanket or two in case anyone passed – her space was right next to the elevator – and have some of the hottest sex imaginable. In fact, the first time we tried this we were returning from a party late at night. We were both tired and a little drunk, but we were also both horny as hell, and we knew that if we went upstairs we would make a clumsy attempt at sex and then pass out. Instead we did it right there in the car, and had a great time.
77. Hot-Air Balloon: No
78. Pool: Yes
79. Hayloft: No
80. Childhood Bedroom: Yes, both Jill’s and my own.
81. Big Box Store: No
82. Video Arcade: No
83. Tree House: An ex-girlfriend of mine lived in a home with a treehouse in the yard, ostensibly for her younger brother. So that’s a yes for me.
84. Playground: See # 69
85. Roller Coaster: No
86. Corn Maze: I thought corn and maize were the same thing. Anyway, no.
87. Ferris Wheel: No
88. Ferries: No
89. Horse-Drawn Carriage in Central Park: No
90. Rooftop: No
91. Kayak: No
92. Library Stacks: No
93. Box at the Opera: No
94. Hammock: Yes, although to be honest it was a free-standing hammock with an aluminum frame, not a Gilligan’s Island style hammock that you tie to two trees. As difficult as it was to balance in the free-standing hammock, I can’t imagine trying to do it in the other kind.
95. Greenhouse: No
96. Train: No
97. Carousel: No
98. Bridge: No
99. High School Reunion: No
100. College Quad: No

How about you?

-Jack