It’s no secret that I find monogamy difficult. Let me clarify my meaning: I have no difficulty staying emotionally faithful to my wife. For that matter, I have no real difficulty staying physically faithful either. I’ve never been much for cheating; while I can certainly admit that sex can be more exciting when it’s off-limits, or when there is some measure of taboo involved, I’m not the kind of person who gets off on hurting someone he loves. Violating my wife’s trust kills my boner like few things outside of, say, walking in on my parents having sex.
But I don’t believe humans are intended to be monogamous. Sure, we’re conditioned more or less from birth to believe that monogamy is the only way to live, and further, the only way to cultivate a close, loving relationship between two individuals. But that doesn’t change the fact that for most humans, variety is not only desirable, but necessary. There’s a very good reason why adultery scandals seem to dominate the news: Lots of people commit adultery. Politicians, entertainers, pro athletes, and even the director of the Central Intelligence Agency have been publicly vilified for cheating on a partner.
But it’s not only the rich, famous, and powerful who are compelled to supplement their primary relationship with a little something on the side. I’d wager that most of us harbor strong physical desire for people other than our partners. Even if we don’t act on this desire, in most cases it’s still there. Even if we ignore it, bury it deep, and continue with our lives, most of us continue to want other people. It doesn’t matter who these other people are. It may not even matter what they look like; witness any Hollywood actor who’s ever cheated on his A-list actress wife or girlfriend with an average woman of ordinary means, and been criticized for trading down. All that matters is that the other person is new.
Show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her. We’ve all heard this adage. It may sound heartless, and it may paint men as brutish louts with no appreciation for what they have. But I’ll wager that for most people, it’s not something that can be helped. I’m not implying that every single human being in the world wants to have sex with someone other than his or her partner. Social conditioning is very effective. I may not necessarily admire anyone who has managed to override his or her psychological nature, but I just might envy them a little.
I’ve been with Jill for almost nine years. That’s a long time, far longer than any other single relationship I’ve ever been in. We’ve never been on a “break” or otherwise saw other people since our relationship began. During those nine years I learned a lot about myself, notably the fact that I can be monogamous if I need to be. It’s difficult and daunting, coming to terms with the likelihood of only being with one person sexually for the rest of my life. I couldn’t fathom loving someone so completely, so unconditionally, that permanent monogamy is a possibility. But I love my wife so completely, so unconditionally, that I’d make the sacrifice for her.
It is a sacrifice, though. I feel terrible saying that, as though she’s somehow not good enough to be in a monogamous relationship with. Obviously this isn’t the case. It simply isn’t my nature to have sex with just one woman forever. The people I described earlier, so desperately in need of variety? They are me. Although I could probably live the rest of my life seeing only one woman naked, and though I might eventually come to terms with this fate, perhaps even be happy with it, I am fortunate to have a wife who wouldn’t ask me to. While we’ve been mostly monogamous since day one, our willingness to keep our bedroom door open to willing guest stars* is something that has helped me come to terms with relative monogamy.
I hate to seemingly compare myself, and for that matter anyone who prefers non-monogamy over monogamy, to LGBTQ individuals, but I didn’t choose this. I may joke about being greedy, but the truth is that my desire for multiple partners isn’t something I can simply turn off. And while I’ve certainly enjoyed Jill’s and my tentative forays into non-monogamy, I imagine things would be so much simpler if I in fact could turn it off. There would be no risk of jealousy or hurt feelings. We’d never have to worry about our actions being discovered by relatives, or worse, Jill’s professional colleagues. Rather than staying up until all hours flirting with sexy women on Twitter who I’d someday like to fuck, I might actually get a decent night’s sleep.
*”Guest stars” is now my preferred terminology when referring to anyone we interact with sexually.
This week’s prompt
What a great post. If more people could explain their desire, need to have variety in the way you have here, in a way that doesn’t simply say, I’m bored with my partner, perhaps a lot more spouses might accept it as something positive for both.
Your use of the term Guest Stars is perfect!
Since I became sexual, I wanted to sleep with everyone, like a sport or hobby. Boys or girls everyone can join. But, because of the slut, whore stigma I kept it in my head. It is wrong to want to try on new people, who would marry me. All that craziness! Now I am older & less stupid & with a man who saw all of this in me. He knows I am with him & never going anywhere but, knows I held a lot of my real self in for years. But I could have held it in & lived with only my fantasies. Whoa! I really went on & on! I am glad you or Jill don’t have to bury yourselves. You & Jill are too awesome to stifle any parts of yourselves!
What a fantastic way of writing all that. I too believe that humans are not meant to be monogamous.
The social conditioning around sex as a whole is all wrong – in my humble opinion.
I also think that if we all have sexual freedom, i.e. to behave as YOU believe as long as it’s between consenting adults, would lead to less frustration, less anger and eventually less violence. Also if children knew the basics then they’d know when someone did something “inappropriate” then they’d know to report it.
Sorry I’ll get off my soap box now.
Raw honesty and self-awareness. I like that. Beats any sexual preference, set up or activity hands down, every time. Jill is a lucky lady.
I really admire the truth and honesty in this post and actually I completely get it. When I spilt from my first husband I vowed I would never ever be in a monogamous relationship again but then I met Sir and that changed for me. To all intents and purposes we are in a monogamous relationship and surprisingly I happy with that. We too have had some ‘guest stars’ and I have to say I love. I don’t think we were designed to be with one sexual partner for our whole lives and even though we are mainly monogamous I do love the opportunity for a little extra play now and then… it is just part of who I am I think.
Mollyxxx
Well said!
Terminology seems to be lacking, or over-abundant in the status of relationships nowadays. My wife and I have been married a decade and love each other unconditionally, but we like to play sexually with others.
Does it make us swingers? No. Polyamourous? No. Monogamish? Maybe. Relative monogamy? Sorta.
The real problem my wife and I have with labels is that it creates an incorrect stereotype in the mind of the person we’re communicating with. And while I agree that we’re all hardwired to be non-monogamous, and that a forbidden tryst is a fantasy worth enjoying, the realities would end with us in divorce court and the standard passing of alimony checks.
The real trick (to our life at least)has been finding what works for us. Constantly. We talk openly, honestly, and clearly through affirmation.
Ultimately if strict monogamy works for someone, more power to ya, But I’m with Jack on this one, I’d go berserk within a year.
I love the honesty in your post, Jack, and I love the term “guest stars”. Isn’t monogamy just one of the rules of modern society? This is an interesting post to discuss. I am very faithful to my Husband, but I don’t think I can describe myself as monogamous either. Having fun with others with His permission makes life even more fun 🙂
Rebel xox
Gawd, I love this post.
I really like this post. Being bisexual, I hated being ‘forced’ to write off women forever in my first marriage. Blah. I feel like using only 50% of my sexuality is the same as 50% of my brain.
Realizing I wasn’t trapped if I walked away (for many reasons) was so freeing – and being in a relationship where we understand and are OK with using our full sexuality is something that I love and look forward to growing.
I couldn’t have said it better. Both Mr. LL and I feel this way…and it’s being honest about our sexual desires and needs that makes our relationships stronger and last longer.
Thank you for letting us into your head on this one! I spend a lot of time pondering this, given the situation I am in. I’ve had to cast aside previous assumptions about my own sexual nature and am still trying to gain perspective. Hearing other viewpoints helps 🙂
~Kazi xxx
What a great post! I agree with so much that you’ve said, but would never be able to put it as eloquently as you do. And, I agree with other, I love the term guest stars! It’s a perfect description plus it makes me think of a casting couch and some kind of movie star/director/guest star role play….