Our disdain for Formspring is well known. In November, a batch of TMI Tuesday questions led to us adding a Formspring widget to our blog. It’s still up, though the vast majority of the questions that we’ve been asked have been spam doled out by the likes of Funny or Die and Cheezburger Network. We explained this in our late November post Formspring and Why it Sucks. Soon after, our friend Cougar in Training advised us that we could block annoying question askers. We immediately did that, and while our Formspring inbox has been remarkably free of random stupidity, we have also, miraculously received a handful of relevant (i.e. sexual) questions.
Since Flash Fiction Friday is on hiatus until after the holidays, I thought we’d switch things up temporarily with a new feature, Formspring Friday. Here we will answer the questions we’ve been asked, one per week, for as long as we have any to answer. If you’d like to ask a question, you can use the Formspring widget on the right-hand side of our blog. And now, without further ado:
We see lots of pics of Jill on your blog and at OHNT…when do we get to see a picture of Jack? I’m not even asking for a cock shot (lets face it, that gets old), but some back, arms, butt… come on, give us something!
My first instinct is to mention that there have been glimpses of me in the past. I have appeared in several of our previous OHNT pictures, generally doing something exciting to Jill. I can also be seen in our Fun at the Park HNT installment from last month. But you didn’t ask for a glimpse, so I wouldn’t say that.
My second instinct is to be a bit cheeky and answer your question with something along the lines of “When I drop twenty pounds.” But I can’t talk the talk if I’m not going to walk the walk; it would be quite unfair of me to put Jill on display if I’m not willing to follow her into the spotlight.
I could probably stand to be in better shape. But I’m real. This is me.
Remember, if you want to ask us anything, that’s why we have a Formspring account. We like sexy questions.
“Dec. 15th – Christmas Tree HNT – I want to see you half-nekkid with your Christmas tree. If you don’t have a tree put up, then with any other Christmas decorations. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, then you’re off the hook. But the rest of you–I really want to see your Christmas trees!”
This is the theme for this week’s HNT from Osbasso himself. Although we had stopped blogging well before December of last year and were unaware of any themes, we posted a pretty good picture the week of Christmas that would have fit this week’s theme perfectly.
Last weekend I bought myself a sexy pair of heels and some lingerie, and afterwards Jack took some pictures of me in front of the tree. I had a couple poses in mind, one of which you see just below. In the end, we ended up with so many nice shots that we couldn’t limit ourselves to just one this week.
Be sure to visit Osbasso and see who else HNTed this week. Then stop by OHNT and see another festive shot of me!
-Jill
Note: This entry marks our 100th since August 18th. We’ve never posted 100 entries in a single calendar year or twelve-month period, much less 100 entries in less than four months. When we started this blog, we thought twelve entries a month was plenty. We are pleased to have attracted a decent-sized following, and we hope to continue at this pace for as long as you see fit to stop by. Thanks.
Although our original plan was to post our old pictures from The Other HNT on Saturdays, we have decided to instead post them on Wednesdays, as we imagine they’ll get more notice during the week than they would on the weekend.
“Baby on Board”, posted January 14, 2010
We’ll probably keep our thoughts on the pictures themselves confined to our OHNT compilation page, leaving these individual posts a notification of sorts. And remember, although OHNT is wrapping up at the end of the month, it’s not too late to participate. For details, and to read about the themes proposed for the last three weeks, check out Views From the Back Row.
1. You have been invited to a lingerie party at the Playboy Mansion.
Do you accept? What do you wear? Yes, I would accept. Despite the fact that the Playboy Mansion isn’t really my scene, I can’t imagine not going, just for the sake being able to say I did. I would wear a Tom Ford silk robe, and whatever I chose to wear underneath wouldn’t stay on for very long.
2. (for women) You have been invited to a private dinner at Godfather’s Pizza by Herman Cain.
(for men) The wife of a Fortune 500 CEO, reputed to have had extramarital relationships, invites you to a private dinner when the husband is out of town.
Do you accept? Why or why not? Sure. First I would do a little research and ensure that her husband isn’t suspected in the murders of any strapping young men with whom his wife has been romantically linked. Hopefully the wife is hot, and looking to fulfill a sugar momma role for a thirty-five year old sexual dynamo. At the very least I have to assume the food will be good.
3. Charlie Sheen (for women) or Your favorite female porn star (for men) is making a movie in the city where you live. You happen to meet him/her, and he/she suggests you stop by his/her hotel for a drink?
Do you go? I don’t see my favorite porn star making a movie in the city where I live, because I don’t live in the San Fernando Valley. However, for the sake of argument I’ll pretend that some well-known porn studio is filming Golden Gate Gangbang on location and I happen upon the set, somehow make it past security and chat her up. If I’ve make it this far she’s bound to invite me to her hotel. I accept, and needless to say sex occurs because why wouldn’t it? I have to assume that any porn star who invites me to her hotel room – certainly not just the hotel bar – is interested in auditioning me.
4. Your boss (of the opposite sex) who has been very flirty with you insists that when you’ve finished a project by working late or on a weekend you bring it by his/her house immediately?
Do you go? Yes or no. Do you go alone or take a friend along? I can think of a few incidents in my twenties when an attractive and flirty female boss did in fact ask me to stop by her house to deliver a file, or do something else that is today unnecessary thanks to the internet. There was nothing untoward about her request back then, because without the sort of remote workstations that people who work from home use today, it was the only way to do business after hours. And although every time I walked up the walkway to her front door I wished that she’d greet me wearing just a smile, it never happened. This was ostensibly because she was married and had several children, most of whom were home. But I frequently imagined that my dilligence was rewarded with an enthusiastic blowjob and a round of doggystyle some night when she was home alone. Given reason to believe that my boss was attempting to seduce me, I would certainly go. I’d probably go alone, as a performance evaluation seems to be the sort of thing that should be carried out privately.
5. You’re working on a political campaign. Late one evening, you get a call from the campaign manager saying the candidate (of the opposite sex) would like to see you right away in his/her hotel room.
Do you go? Yes or no. Do you tell someone you are going there or keep it a secret? What do you wear? Yes, I would go. I would have to presume that the meeting is job-related, although if the candidate was hot I would hope that there was a sexual aspect to her interest in me. I probably would keep the meeting private, as Herman Cain will tell you that a sexual scandal can quickly sink political aspirations, and I would hate for my reckless tweeting to land both myself and the candidate in the unemployment line. As for what I would wear, probably nothing too flashy. I imagine that I’d wear a business suit or something else appropriate for what I assume is a meeting between employer and employee. Fortunately, I look damn good in a suit.
Bonus: What’s the best invitation you’ve received? Why is it memorable? I’ve been thinking about this question all day, and I’m having trouble coming up with something. I’d love to tell you about the time that I was invited backstage after a U2 concert, but that never happened. I’d love to tell you about all the dates I was invited on in which dinner and a movie turned into fingering under a street lamp and then thirty-six hours of sex at either her place or mine, but generally speaking when I was single I did the inviting and not the other way around. So instead I will just make something up, with the understanding that I am trying to entertain rather than intentionally mislead. When I was in my late twenties I was invited to participate in a high-stakes fifteen-hour Chemin de Fer tournament at the Monte Carlo Casino in Monaco. Not only did I end up winning the tournament, but I also managed to thwart a band of international weapons smugglers, making my escape in a souped-up Italian sports car with a comely cocktail waitress in the passenger seat just as the casino exploded.
EDIT: After this entry was posted, Jill brought it to my attention that after our third date, she invited me inside for a weekend of the best sex I’d ever had. That counts, but my previous answer is more entertaining.
Jill’s Answers
1. You have been invited to a lingerie party at the Playboy Mansion.
Do you accept? What do you wear? Yes, I would definitely go. I would wear a sexy negligee, and beneath it a matching thong and garter belt with thigh-high stockings and fuck-me heels.
2. (for women) You have been invited to a private dinner at Godfather’s Pizza by Herman Cain.
(for men) The wife of a Fortune 500 CEO, reputed to have had extramarital relationships, invites you to a private dinner when the husband is out of town.
Do you accept? Why or why not? No, I wouldn’t accept. This is partially because I do not agree with his political views, and partially because I love pizza, I have a standard for pizzerias, and Godfather’s couldn’t meet that standard if it was standing on an extension ladder.
3. Charlie Sheen (for women) or Your favorite female porn star (for men) is making a movie in the city where you live. You happen to meet him/her, and he/she suggests you stop by his/her hotel for a drink?
Do you go? I do think he’s kind of cute, so I’m leaning towards going. However, he seems to be insane and dangerous, and that has me leaning toward not going. Can I go with the porn star instead? I can think of a few porn stars I would like to meet, male and female, and I think I would enjoy that experience a lot more than I would enjoy a night spent hiding in a closet.
4. Your boss (of the opposite sex) who has been very flirty with you insists that when you’ve finished a project by working late or on a weekend you bring it by his/her house immediately?
Do you go? Yes or no. Do you go alone or take a friend along? Yes, I would go. It’s my boss, after all, and I presume that if I don’t go, I might face disciplinary action. (Then again, disciplinary action sounds kinda hot.) I would probably go alone, unless I had a hot co-worker who was into threesomes.
5. You’re working on a political campaign. Late one evening, you get a call from the campaign manager saying the candidate (of the opposite sex) would like to see you right away in his/her hotel room.
Do you go? Yes or no. Do you tell someone you are going there or keep it a secret? What do you wear? I think I would go, for the same reason that I gave in #4. The candidate has requested my presence, and technically he is my boss so I would have to. I assume that I have no reason to be suspicious of his motives in asking for me. I would probably tell Jack that I was going, and not to expect me for dinner or, or possibly not even breakfast if the candidate was hot. I would wear the panties, garter belt, stockings and heels that I said I would wear to the Playboy Mansion, as well as a sexy bra, but rather than the negligee I’d wear some sort of smart business attire.
Bonus: What’s the best invitation you’ve received? Why is it memorable? One evening in August about five and a half years ago, Jack invited me to dinner. When we left the restaurant, I was wearing a huge diamond on my finger.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e. a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
If you’ve been reading our blog for awhile, you probably know that we like sex toys. Well, I think I like them more than Jack does, although he doesn’t complain on the occasion when I want to get off quickly, maybe while he’s putting the baby to sleep, and then be all ready for him so he can use my body for his pleasure.
What was a necessity for me while I was single has become something of a hobby now that I am with Jack. I wouldn’t say that I am in any way a connoisseur or that I know more than the average sex toy user, but I really enjoy looking at, shopping for and above all using sex toys. I’ve got quite an assortment of naughty playthings, from more elaborate, AC-powered vibrators to Rabbits to G-spot toys. In fact, I usually carry a small silver bullet in my purse for the occasions when I need to have an orgasm right then and there.
In November, as part of EdenFantasys‘ Eden Loves Bloggers program, I reviewed the Devilish Desire. While it wasn’t the greatest, most earth-shaking vibrator I have ever used (at the time I said that the toy itself was a little bit too short to reach both my G-spot and my clit), I have definitely gotten some use out of it.
Recently, we were invited to participate in a different aspect of Eden Loves Bloggers, namely EdenFantasy’s Sponsored Post program. The downside is that we can no longer request toys for the purposes of review, which is kind of sad as we’d just started and only completed and posted a single review. But the upside is that EdenFantasys is not only a superior sex toy store, it also happens to be a thriving community, and we can blog about almost any aspect, including EdenCafe, their very active multi-author blog covering a wide range of sex and health related topics; SexIs, an informative magazine featuring news, interviews, and columns written by a diverse group of contributors; and EdenCooks, a recipe-sharing community. Although we aren’t planning to make the jump from sex blog to food blog, Jack and I love cooking, and we have already bookmarked EdenCooks.
Oh, and did I mention that each sponsored post is worth a gift card? This is a huge advantage over the toy review program, because a few reviews means a few gift cards. Since EdenFantasys carries higher-end toys like those made by Lelo, as well as the Liberator product line of sex furniture, shapes, and Fascinator Throes, some of which can be rather pricey, participating bloggers have great incentive to write the maximum of two sponsored posts each month. If that’s not enough, EdenFantasys also carries lingerie, adult books and DVDs, BDSM gear, and a variety of other naughty products. It sounds like common sense to us: Write a few sponsored posts, get some gift cards, spend them on a great new toy or other adult product, and then begin the process again!
So how can you get involved with EdenFantasys and their Sponsored Post program? The first requirement is that your blog must have existed for at least three months. Have you met that requirement? If so, then you’re pretty much there. All you need to do is head over to EdenFantasys in order to get started working with their Blogger Relations specialists! And if you’re not quite there yet, don’t worry! Eden Fantasys is here to stay!
Today we ripped off a blogger and blog called BlueLifeMemories. It’s long so we will do it in two parts. She states she stole it from a friend, but did not say which friend. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
Jack’s Answers
26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?
Yes. I am content with who I am. I am happy with the state of my life, and the choices I’ve made which have led me here.
27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
I hate the sound of Christmas music between December 26th – okay, I’ll be generous and say New Year’s Day – and anytime before the Thanksgiving dinner dishes are in the sink. I do not want to hear Jingle Bells while I am picking up discounted Halloween candy on November 1st. Give me some time to enjoy November before you bombard me with green and red. A sound I love is Jill climaxing. I’m sure Jill will say that she loves the sound of our daughter’s voice, and hey, why not? She has a cute voice and the sort of enthusiasm about talking that you’d expect from a child of her age. But I hear it literally every single day, and while I hope to continue to do so on a daily basis at least until she goes off to college, I could stand to hear more of the deep, orgasmic moans that I so enjoy hearing from my wife. To me, that sound is a foolproof indicator that all of my efforts have had the intended effect.
28) What’s your biggest “what if”?
What if I’d never met Jill? I generally don’t dwell in the past or run through hypothetical what if type scenarios that I have no chance of or interest in revisiting, but I acknowledge meeting the woman who would become my wife as something of a turning point for me, and I suppose if I had to reflect on such a scenario it would be that one.
29) Do you believe in ghosts?
My instinct is to say no. I believe that for something to exist there has to be a scientific basis, and there isn’t any science that explains a manifestation of the human soul after death. Or, for that matter, the human soul at all. (Sorry, gotta be consistent here.) However, I am nothing if not open-minded, and I know many intelligent, rational people who claim to have encountered a ghost to write the idea off completely.
30) How about aliens?
I answered this one in a previous Sunday Stealing installment. There is probably intelligent life elsewhere in the universe. However, can you imagine if they’re anything like we are? “First contact” will involve them massacring us en masse, then razing our cities in order to mine our natural resources. Any survivors would be placed in intergalactic zoos and circuses and, as currently missing-in-action blogger Batteries Not Included suggested at the time, getting herded into labs to be dissected and experimented on.
31) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
I decided to have a burrito for dinner tonight. That was, without a doubt, the smartest move I’ve made in the entire thirty-five-year chess game.
32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
The children’s play area at a local shopping mall. We let our daughter play there once, and swore it would never happen again. Despite clearly-posted rules that children be supervised, most of the kids there have been left unattended while their parents shop, and for survival purposes they band together in a fashion not unlike prison gangs. Letting your child play here – whether supervised or not – is the modern-day equivalent of throwing said child to the lions during the height of the Roman Empire.
33) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
It would certainly appear that way. However, I can’t say for certain whether the greatest artists throughout history were truly insane, or if they were such visionaries that they were viewed that way by their contemporaries.
34) Most attractive actor of your opposite gender?
I can’t necessarily say that she’s the most attractive, but I’ve always had a thing for Anne Hathaway, at least since The Princess Diaries. I never even saw the movie – I’ve seen, what? Two of her films? Three at the most – but I liked the movie poster. I found her tiara/headphones/sunglasses-wearing visage very cute, and her bright red lips put the climax in many a blowjob fantasy when I was twenty-five. For the sake of full disclosure, though, I really had to concentrate in order to block out Julie Andrews’ crone-like countenance on the same poster.
35) To you, what is the meaning of life?
A really funny Monty Python film in which Terry Jones eats excessively, projectile-vomits, and then explodes.
36) Define “Art”.
I don’t know what it is, but I know what I like.
37) Do you believe in luck?
In my opinion there’s no such thing as luck. That is to say, I don’t think that a person’s fortunes, whether good or bad, can be attributed to the seemingly arbitrary machinations that we often refer to as luck. I think that in most cases people make their own luck, or at the very least external factors affect their lives in positive or negative ways. If you want to call that luck, then I concede that there is such a thing. But to say that someone lost his job because of bad luck when in reality he got fired for teabagging a drunken co-worker at the company Christmas party is responsibility-dodging of the worst variety.
38) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
It depends on the relationship. Are we talking about a romantic relationship? A platonic friendship? A working relationship? I could talk at length about what is necessary for each type of relationship, but instead I will say that regardless of type, a successful relationship requires trust, respect and communication.
39) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
There are too many to list. However, I am going to list a handful in the hopes that, if you listen to them, they will have the same effect on you as they do on me.
Jack Johnson – Upside Down
Michael Franti and Spearhead – Say Hey (I Love You)
Vince Guaraldi – Peanuts Theme
Louis Armstrong – What a Wonderful World
Monty Python – Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
SpongeBob SquarePants – Best Day Ever
I tried to find a YouTube link for Donovan’s “I Love My Shirt”, but couldn’t find a studio recording, just a performance on The Smothers Brothers. Nonetheless, seek it out. It’s a catchy, fun song about clothing and the way it makes its wearer feel.
40) Where were you yesterday?
I was here. I suppose a better question is “What did you do yesterday?” Had I been asked that question, I would have given a much more interesting answer. But I was not asked that question. Sorry.
41) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
I’m not sure of this one. Although I’ve had some operations and a few dire illnesses, I’ve never broken a bone, or been injured in a memorable way. I did sprain my neck once in high school – yes, everyone asked if I did it jerking off – and that’s the only injury that comes to mind, so I’ll go with that.
42) Do you have any obsessions right now?
I’d say that I am obsessed with the thought of meeting many of the wonderful people we’ve come to know through our blog and through Twitter, but in general I find that “obsessed” is not the sort of word that makes people give you their home address.
43) What’s up?
A directional designation that is the opposite of “down”. An animated film by Pixar. A 1976 sex comedy directed by Russ Meyer. A term to describe a baseball player who is at bat. Up is overrated. No one ever asks what’s down. But I will: What’s down? The feathers of a duck frequently used in pillows and other bedding. A 1996 release by the band 311. A county in Northern Ireland. A genetic syndrome characterized by the presence of a 21st chromosome, and the physician who first identified it.
44) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
Yes, many times. A current rumor going around is that I can make anyone fall in love with me. It happens to be true, but what the rumor doesn’t address is that I don’t make people fall in love with me recklessly, as having legions of women hopelessly head-over-heels in love with you when you can’t possibly reciprocate is inconvenient.
45) Do you believe in real magic?
As in, do I believe that Harry Potter- (or that matter, Harry Blackstone-) style magic is real? No. Believe me, I wish it was. Nothing would make me happier than being able to Apparate (despite the physical hardship of such a method of travel, as described in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince) as with this ability I might never get stuck in traffic ever again.
46) Do you ever hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
I try not to, and I’m usually successful. Life is too short for grudges, and there’s really no point in holding them anyway. Grudges are often privately-held, and as such the person you are holding it against is probably unaware. That said, I can admit to letting the wrongs others have inflicted or attempted to inflict on me and mine influence my treatment of them.
47) What’s your favorite (non-pet) animal?
The bonobo. As a species, they really seem to have their shit together. Humanity can stand to learn much about social issues from this noble primate.
48) What is your secret weapon to get people to like you?
My personality and sense of humor.
49) Where is your best friend?
At the moment she’s in the baby’s room, probably sitting in a rocking chair trying to get the little hellraiser to go to sleep.
50) What do you think is Satan’s last name?
Cheney.
Jill’s Answers
26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?
Yes I am. I feel like I’m a wonderful mother, and a generous, open-minded wife. I am a fabulous teacher, a loving daughter and sister, and a good person all around. Jack says I need to add “hot mama” to the list as well.
27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
I hate the sound of teeth grinding or gnashing together. It makes my skin crawl and it makes me cringe. A sound I love would be my daughter saying “Hewwo Mommy”, or “I love you Mommy.”
28) What’s your biggest “what if”?
What if I’d gone into accounting instead of teaching? My whole life would have changed. Many of my close friends are people I’ve met through work, and I value the relationships I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned as a teacher. I don’t know that I would have met Jack had my path been different, and without Jack I wouldn’t have had my beautiful daughter, or the wonderful life I’ve lived since falling in love with him.
29) Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes.
30) How about aliens?
Not as much as ghosts, but it’s a big universe and I’m not egotistical enough to think that we are the only intelligent life in existence.
31) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
Marrying Jack was the single best decision I have ever made. Without him, I wouldn’t have the life that I have, and I am very grateful for every wonderful thing he has brought with him.
32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
Probably some nasty port-a-potty somewhere.
33) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
I can’t speak for anyone else, but when I am near-insane with fatigue, I get very creative. As a teacher, I find myself frequently tired to the point of insanity, and also frequently in need of creativity. It works out well.
34) Most attractive actor of your opposite gender?
As I said last week, I really like Mark Ruffalo. I am attracted to his looks, especially his dark, intense eyes. Plus he was really hot in In the Cut.
35) To you, what is the meaning of life?
Simply being the best person that I can be, and treating others the way I would like to be treated.
36) Define “Art”.
Art can come in many forms. To me, art is something that I find beautiful or interesting and which makes me smile. It must be created by human beings, and not found in nature.
37) Do you believe in luck?
Yes. I feel very lucky sometimes for the life that I have. I don’t feel that I worked hard, necessarily, to achieve this life. Sometimes it seems that good things simply fall into my lap, and I consider myself fortunate.
38) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
Mutual trust, good communication, and love.
39) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
“Top of the World” by the Carpenters. This is something else you’d know if you read previous Sunday Stealing entries.
40) Where were you yesterday?
I was at work.
41) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
In college my closet door came off the track and as I was lifting it to put it back I dropped it on my toe. I ended up with a hairline fracture.
42) Do you have any obsessions right now?
Twitter. Yet another question already answered in an old Sunday Stealing! This meme should be called Sunday Recycling.
43) What’s up?
Jack’s cock.
44) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
None that I am aware of. Want to start one about me?
45) Do you believe in real magic?
Probably not. I think that magic is usually sleight-of-hand, manipulation of the audience, and other trickery. However, I do like the idea of magic, and am frequently excited when watching a magic act.
46) Do you ever hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
No. It doesn’t affect them. They usually don’t even know about the grudge. It only affects me, and if someone has done me wrong I generally prefer not to give them any further control over me.
47) What’s your favorite (non-pet) animal?
Monkeys! They’re cute to look at, like little babies! Plus they swing from trees! I wish my baby could do that!
48) What is your secret weapon to get people to like you?
My smile. Probably my eyes as well.
49) Where is your best friend?
Sitting next to me on the couch, busily typing away on his laptop!
A little chime on the door jingled as I stepped inside. I had been there before, usually to rent porn DVDs or browse toys and lingerie. It wasn’t a very large shop, but it had an impressive selection of adult toys, and that was where I was headed.
“Just so you know,” said a voice from behind the register, “we’re closing in ten minutes.” The cashier’s voice surprised me because I’d never seen a woman working there before. The sole employee was usually one of two men, either a heavy-set guy in his fifties or a tall guy in his thirties with light brown hair. In fact I don’t think I’d ever seen a woman in the place at all.
“Okay, thanks,” I said as I inspected their toy section. They had a nice variety of vibrators, dildos, restraints, and other fun stuff. I found a small but very cute waterproof vibrator that perfectly matched the tile in our shower, and I took it off of the shelf to get a closer look. At $17.95, the price was right, but the cost and the color wouldn’t matter if it didn’t make me cum.
“Is there something I can help you with?” she asked as she stepped out from behind the counter.
I was starting to feel rushed. Yes, I knew they were closing in ten minutes when I got to the store, but I didn’t need to be reminded of the fact that she was obviously in a hurry for me to leave so that she could get out of there. The last thing I wanted to do was select the wrong vibrator. I hate feeling like I have to decide right away. I decided to leave and come back the next day, when I would have much more time to browse.
The smell of sandalwood filled my nose as the cashier came up behind me. She repeated her earlier question. “I’m looking for a waterproof vibrator,” I said, and when I turned around to address her I was stunned. She was cute and curvy, with dark, pretty hair and bright, dazzling eyes. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that she seemed out of place working there, but she was much more appealing than either of the two guys, even the handsome thirtysomething guy who liked to flirt with me when he rang me up.
I regained my composure and started again: “I’m looking for a waterproof vibrator, something that can be gentle when I need it to be gentle, but strong when I’m ready to get off. It also has to be durable because I’ll be using it a lot. Do you know if this one is any good?” I’ve never been shy when it comes to talking about masturbation, certainly not when I’m shopping for a vibrator.
She took the package from my hand and examined it. “I don’t recommend this one”, she said. “I find that it’s just not strong enough for what I need. There’s one over here that I think will be better for you.” She took a larger, much more elaborate-looking vibrator off the shelf. “This one is much better. I actually have one of these at home and it never leaves me unsatisfied or runs out of batteries before the job is done. It’s got a rotating shaft with eight different speeds and rhythms. And this part here” – she gestured to a small extension of the toy that protruded from the shaft – “will do wonderful things to your clit.”
I was interested. The toy sounded good, and the best part was that it was the exact same color as the other one. But I still wasn’t convinced, and I think she could tell. When she took my hand in hers, an electric charge shot through my body. She led me to a door in the back of the store. Inside was a small break room. Fluorescent lights illuminated a formica table and four folding metal chairs. “I’m not supposed to do this,” she told me, “but if you want to take it for a test drive you can.”
She didn’t have to tell me twice. I stepped up on one of the chairs and from there I climbed onto the table and lay down on my back. I was about to ask her to hand me the toy when I felt her pulling my jeans off of me without unbuttoning them. My panties followed, and then I felt her soft lips on my thighs. Her kisses were tender and warm, pleasant but without tongue, and my longing to feel her mouth where I wanted it most was interrupted by the steady buzz of the vibrator. I was already very wet. Her fingers opened me up, and the toy followed, slipping inside of me with ease. As I felt it rotating, the small extension reached my clit and sent me soaring.
My saleslady held the toy in place and leaned against my body, her lips finally meeting mine. I opened my mouth to hers, tasting her tongue as it snaked in and out. She kissed me furiously, hungrily, her free hand kneading my breasts through my clothes. At the same time, the vibrator continued to work its magic, the shaft filling me while the clit stimulator hummed reliably.
Climax snuck up on me. I found myself wanting to tell her that I was cumming, but when she felt me speak she just kissed me deeper. Pleasure and delight crashed through my body like surf rolling over the beach. She finally took her mouth off of mine and sucked on my neck as I moaned with my orgasm. When I had calmed down she took the toy away. “I’ll take it,” I said breathlessly.
She slid my panties back up my hips, and then helped me get my jeans back on. She kissed me sweetly and we left the break room. While she was ringing me up I noticed that the sign in the window had already been turned to “Closed”.
“With tax, that comes to seventy-eight eighteen,” she said.
Ouch. I knew it wasn’t going to be as cheap as the first one I had seen, but almost eighty dollars was a lot to spend on an impulse vibrator. I batted my eyes as seductively as I knew how and asked, “Is there an open box discount?”
(Image source: “Sunny Sunday Morning” by T.C. Reiner)
She watched with delight as he scraped the last of the oatmeal into his waiting mouth, and considered herself fortunate that his insatiable hunger wasn’t confined to the breakfast table.
Jim’s old bathrobe hung from his strong shoulders, his muscled chest shining like gold in the morning sunlight. He looked much different in the robe than Jim ever did. He was taller than Jim, had more hair than Jim, and fucked her better than Jim ever could. Or certainly better than he ever did.
While preparing his oatmeal, she’d apologized profusely for the lack of eggs and bacon, but he didn’t mind. Now she observed him drinking the last sip of burned coffee from his cup before enthusiastically asking for more.
As she poured the coffee with her left hand, he took her right hand in his own and kissed it. She saw her future, and he was in it. (150)
-Jack
Behind the Scenes:
I wrote this story in record time. For a variety of reasons I didn’t even begin writing until around midnight, when my Flash Fiction Friday stories normally auto-post. However, I’d looked at the prompt photo beforehand and tried to come up with something good prior to writing. My ideas were shaky at best, although when I actually sat down to work I found that they flowed easily.
The beaming woman in the prompt photo resembles a friend of ours, who happens to be celibate. I imagined that this woman was also celibate (not by choice) and decided to depict the morning after a very satisfying sexual encounter. Though the unnamed woman has nothing to feed her guest for breakfast other than Quaker Oats and wheat toast, he is grateful. And although she has burned the coffee, her pouring him a refill prompts a romantic kiss on the back of her hand.
The title, “Observation”, refers directly to the woman in the prompt photo. She is constantly looking at her guest, watching him eat in the first paragraph, observing him drink his coffee in the third, and finally seeing her future with him in the fourth. However, as this episode is not self-contained but rather an apparent part of a much greater story, it occurred to me that “Observation” may also refer to the reader viewing this brief moment in time.
The word range was quite broad, 60-160 words. I initially considered making this story much shorter than any I’ve written before, ideally around 75-80 words. As usual, however, the story got away from me and I ended up writing ten words shy of the limit. The required phrase was “…burned coffee…” Per Jill’s suggestion, I considered ending the story with the woman’s observation being interrupted by the smell of burned coffee and a smoke alarm, but as the story took shape it became clear that this would feel forced.
Deleted Scenes:
This week there weren’t many details that I was forced to omit due to lack of space. In addition to the abandoned smoke alarm and burned coffee ending, I briefly considered throwing in a sinister twist (i.e. a revelation that she killed Jim), but disregarded this as unnecessarily bleak, and for that matter too close to the last-minute twist in my earlier story The Luchador and the Lady. It occurred to me that not every detail needs to be explained, and eventually I decided that including a surprise twist or a visceral shock at the end of the story was redundant. Perhaps the twist is that there is no twist.
Soundtrack:
The scene depicted in the prompt photo suggested something quiet and slow playing on AM radio in the background. “Sailing”, by Christopher Cross, comes to mind.
If you’d like to take part in the fun, or see who else participated this week, check out Erotic Flash Fiction Friday.
The responsible baker always makes sure to clean up any messes she makes in the kitchen.
Rejected titles for this picture include Fun With White Chocolate and Want a Taste?
Be sure to visit Osbasso and see who else HNTed this week. Then stop by OHNT and see another sexy shot of me wearing my apron! Well, kind of wearing it.
I know what you’re thinking. This is a sex blog, not a food blog. Why are you posting a cookie recipe when what we really want is to read stories about sex clubs you’ve visited, and Jack’s smart ass answers to Sunday Stealing questions? Well the fact is, posting a cookie recipe is very appropriate for our blog, as cookies have always been tied into our sex life. When we were first dating, Jack told me how much he liked freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. From then on, I made sure to keep balls of flash-frozen cookie dough in the freezer so that I could make him a plate of cookies whenever he wanted. One night, when we’d finished having sex, I surprised him with some. I think that was when he fell in love with me.
When Hedone told us about the 2nd Annual Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza, organized by Jz of A Reluctant Bitch, we knew we had to take part. We’ll happily choose cookies over cake or pie any day of the week. With the exception of ice cream, cookies are our favorite dessert. While Jack loves chocolate chip cookies, he doesn’t care for white chocolate chip cookies at all. That is, he didn’t until he tried these white chocolate macadamia cookies. They are so delicious that I am often asked to bring them to dinner parties and family functions. In fact, we’ve been making them for Vincent Vega of Tales From Under Our Covers for years.
We will refrain from making a tasteless “batter” joke here.
Ingredients
2 sticks butter, melted 3/4 cup sugar 3/4 cup brown sugar 2 teaspoons vanilla 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda 1/2 teaspoon salt 2 eggs beaten 2 1/2 cups flour, unsifted 2 cups white chocolate (or white chocolate chips) 1 1/2 cups macadamia nuts, chopped (measure before chopping)
Mix the sugars into the melted butter. Mix in the vanilla, baking soda, and salt. Add the eggs and stir again. Add the flour and mix thoroughly.
If you’re using block white chocolate, chop it up into pieces roughly the size of chocolate chips. You can do this in a food processor by cutting the chocolate in chunks and processing it with the steel blade. If you’re using white chocolate chips, just measure out 2 cups.
Measure out the whole macadamia nuts. Chop them into pieces roughly the size of peas with a knife, or use your food processor and the steel blade.
Add the white chocolate and nuts to your bowl and mix thoroughly.
Drop the dough by teaspoons on an ungreased cookie sheet, 12 cookies to a standard-size sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes or until nicely browned.
Let the cookies cool for two minutes, then remove them from the baking sheet and transfer them to a wire rack to finish cooling.
Here’s a list of all the bloggers who participated this year!
