Author: jackandjillcpl

Multiple Personalities: Two Tweeting Twits

jackandjillcpl3 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized

After swearing for years that we would never Tweet, Jill and I started a Twitter account while this blog was on hiatus. The way we saw it, we needed some sort of outlet with which to talk about sex. It’s one of our favorite topics. We weren’t blogging and we really had no intention of resuming. Talking about sex-related topics on Facebook was out of the question, as way too many of our family, friends and co-workers would be privy to whatever pervy thoughts we share there. While in theory this doesn’t really bother us, we’re guessing that most, if not all, of these people have no interest in what position resulted in Jill having an explosive G-spot orgasm (piledriver), what female foreign head-of-state I fantasized about while masturbating (Golda Meir), whose house we had sex in when we came by to feed their pets while they were on vacation (Jim and Tammy’s), and which sex toy we’re thinking of ordering (the We-Vibe 2). While we do have a pretty close cadre of personal friends with whom sex chat is not only tolerated but appreciated, we’re not as close to some as we once were (though to others, we’re much closer). Therefore starting a joint Twitter account made sense; it was a relatively effortless means of anonymously conveying info about our sex life – and for that matter, our sex lives, because while we don’t have an open relationship, there are sexual aspects of our lives that are separate – requiring much less of a time commitment than our blog did. We found ourselves dropping the occasional Tweet in the beginning when we had something interesting to share, but it took awhile to connect with other users. Now, though, I’d say we’re doing pretty well with it, and we Tweet on a fairly regular basis.

Because we have both been Tweeting from the same account – though I much more than Jill – we realized that it might be confusing for our followers to try and figure out which of us wrote any given Tweet. Like our blog entries, some of the things we Tweet could have been written by both of us together (“Dinner and drinks followed by naked hot tub time!”*), while with other Tweets it’s obvious which of us wrote them (“I love it when Jack fucks me from behind.”*). However, sometimes the identity of the writer is unclear, and a parenthetical indication of the writer could be included to clarify (“I just came three times in rapid succession. [Jack]”*). Other times, a parenthetical is desperately needed so as to make damn sure our followers know which of us wrote a certain Tweet – though hopefully people understand that the only one of us who might Tweet “I love sucking cock!”* is Jill. However, given the 140-character limitation imposed by Twitter, it can be difficult to compose a coherent sentence, much less add technically superfluous details. (As a writer and a one-time English major who hates seeing our language manhandled on a daily basis, everytime I am forced to condense an admittedly long-winded but grammatically-correct and perfectly-spelled thought into a series of truncated words for the purpose of Tweeting, I feel like a wide-eyed newborn puppy is run over and killed. But I digress.

Last weekend we decided to start a separate Twitter account for Jill. While having separate accounts will enable us to more efficiently express ourselves sexually without confusing anyone, we’re really just looking forward to sending each other filthy Tweets via our phone while sitting right next to each other on the couch. We could text each other, or God forbid actually speak our thoughts aloud, but then we’re the only ones who’ll get turned on by them, and obviously a little interaction with our followers as a result of some online dirty talk can only lead to good things as far as we’re concerned. If you follow @jackandjillcpl on Twitter, or even if you just enjoy reading what we’ve posted here, check out @jillandjackcpl too. There’s not much there yet, but that’ll change, and it might be fun to read our possibly-different perceptions of the same event, a sort of Twitter version of Rashomon.

We’ve added a second Twitter widget to the right-hand side of our blog that will display Jill’s recent Tweets below mine. (Sometimes I like being on top.) But if you want to get the whole story, give her a follow. You’ll be glad you did. So remember: Jack is @jackandjillcpl, while Jill is @jillandjackcpl. If you forget, the first four letters of each Twitter handle explicitly state which of us is primarily associated with the account and any associated Tweets.

*Not an actual Tweet of ours.

-Jack

Sunday Stealing: The Questions Galore Meme, Part 1

jackandjillcpl2 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized
Today we ripped off a blogger named Jenni from the blog Juniper’s Jungle. It’s long, so we will do it in parts. She states that she found this meme [at] Budgies blog. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
Jack’s Answers
1. Is there someone in your life you know you’d be better off without? Not anymore. I recently wrote off a few extended family members for whom I no longer have any use. This is not to say that someone must actively prove their worth for me to associate with them; I’m actually pretty easygoing and don’t expect shameless flattery, garish displays of wealth or miracles from either friends or family. The only requirements are that you not attempt to harm us in any way, that you refrain from violating our trust, and that you act in a manner befitting a civilized human being of your age. As these individuals range from merely immature and insufferable to devious and malicious, I no longer have use nor room for them in my life. I’m a big proponent of discarding the useless and unwanted in order to make room for the valued, especially when it comes to negative influences; when my friends complain to me about people in their lives who continually make them miserable, I tell them that there’s no reason to keep a friend or even a blood relation in their lives if they take without bringing anything good to the table. With these particular family members I realized that I had to take my own advice. I am much happier.
2. Do you get criticized because of your body? Not really, or at least not anymore. When I was a kid I got teased quite a bit by my peers because of my height; in elementary school I was always one of the shortest kids in my class. This meant being one of the last kids picked for sports, but it also meant compensating for this perceived failing by always trying hard, possibly harder than I would have otherwise. I stopped getting teased around the same time that the teasing stopped bothering me. Fortunately, the drive to work hard and succeed never left me. These days, I’m still probably below-average when it comes to height, but I’m not self-conscious about it; nobody gives me any shit about it and I can’t imagine it would wreck my confidence if they did. The only person who criticizes me about my body is myself, as I could stand to lose a few pounds but I like food and drink way too much. Fortunately, my own criticism drives me to work out, run when I can, and even eat healthy once in a very great while.
3. Did you kiss the last person you called? The last person I called was a client, and since I’m not a male escort (sorry, ladies!) I don’t make a habit of kissing the people I work for. I have a couple attractive female clients I wouldn’t mind kissing, but I’m guessing that their husbands might not take kindly, and such an indiscretion could have a negative effect on my income.
4. When was the last time you danced?Recently, while encouraging my young daughter to do the same.
5. Do you keep in mind other people’s feelings? I was raised to be considerate and I do my best to never willingly tread on someone’s feelings. However, it’s difficult to successfully walk the line between being considerate of another person’s feelings and letting someone mistreat you because they know you’re a decent person. So I try to be mindful of myself first, and other people next. Which is, of course, what any well-adjusted person ought to do.
6. If you have a hang nail, do you pull it or clip it? Pull it.
7. Who do you want to forget? Five or six months ago I would have said Donald Trump, but he’s kept a low profile since bowing out of the 2012 presidential race and I have almost completely forgotten about him and his shitty hairdo. This week, in light of her completely expected exit from the race, I’ll say Sarah Palin. I hope that the general apathy with which her announcement was met is an indication that even her own followers are as sick of her as the rest of us most certainly are. In the next month or two I’d like to be able to completely forget about Michele Bachmann, as well as Marcus and his passive-aggressive self-hatred and bigotry. After that, hopefully Rick Santorum will follow; no one expects him to be anything beyond a punchline anyway. And although I’m no fan of Mitt Romney or Rick Perry, the thought of either of these two becoming president merely upsets me. It doesn’t make me weep for all mankind.
8. Who was the last person to send you a letter? A letter? As in a piece of personal correspondence (i.e. not a utility or credit card bill) which is physical in nature (i.e. not an e-mail) but is not a greeting card? Something that begins with “Dear [name]”, includes a few lines of text and closes with “Sincerely, [name]”, “Love, [name]”, “Fondly, [name]” or some similar sentiment? I have literally no idea. I would guess that it has been a decade or more since I received an actual letter in the mail. The identity of the sender is certainly lost to time. My Mom? I’m gonna say my Mom, because why not. Edit: Jill points out that, when we first started dating, she used to send me letters all the time. I still have them, so I should have known better.
9. Who did you last tell to shut up? I’m guessing some political pundit on television. I really don’t know if this is the case, but it seems likely.
10. What’s the last thing that you smelt that smelt bad? Gasoline. Not a big fan of that particular odor.
11. What’s your favorite cereal? Lucky Charms. Hell, I’ll even eat the generic equivalent. I don’t care if there’s no leprechaun on the box and no toy surprise inside. Oats and colorful little marshmallow pieces? Suddenly I’m ten years old again. If I can eat it while watching Saturday morning cartoons – and thanks to Cartoon Network I can watch the cartoons of my youth whether I’m eating Lucky Charms for breakfast or as a just-before-bed snack – life is truly perfect.
12. How do you feel when people lead you on, but they don’t even like you? People don’t like me?
13. Could you live without sunlight? No, I’m not a vampire. However, the non-stop overcast skies that I’m used to in the late fall and winter may be, because they suck. I can’t imagine living without blue skies and sunshine. I can do it, and I have put up with it for months at a time, but it gets to me. Long periods of overcast skies without sunlight, with or without rain, tend to put me in a funk. I can deal with a couple days at a time, but once we hit the five-day mark, I’m aching to see the sun. If we reach two straight weeks, I’m seriously bummed. If I experience more than a month with no sunlight because the cloud cover is way too heavy, I’m pretty close to despondent. By this point, a sun lamp, hula music and tropical drinks are the only things keeping me from bouncing off the walls.
14. What’s something you know is bad, but you want to do it anyway? Invent some sort of invisibility serum (which may cause permanent insanity), ingest it, and use it to enter the women’s locker room at the gym.
15. What was the last thing you lied about? See question #8. I’m about as certain as I can be that the last letter I received wasn’t from my Mom. Edit: Now that I know Jill probably sent me my last letter, I’ll just go ahead and say I’ve never lied. THERE! That’s a lie. Question successfully answered.
16. Do you regret anything you’ve done in the past week? No. I try not to have many regrets, as there’s no point, really; everybody does things they might regret: They let opportunities pass them by. They say something and later wish they had said something different. They drink to excess. They don’t realize until they’ve dropped their date off that they’ve got spinach between their front teeth. They make mistakes. They are human. As I said, I try not to dwell on the past or obsess over things that I might have done differently. I acknowledge these incidents and do my best to move on. Most of the things I do aren’t the sort of things that leave me wracked with guilt and self-doubt. If I, say, cheated a senior citizen out of a few thousand dollars – something certainly worth feeling guilty over – I doubt that I would be the sort of person who would regret it afterwards anyway.
17. What was the last movie you bought? I haven’t bought a movie in years. Rather than once again lying, I’m just going to say I don’t know.
18. What is a sport you would like to do? Basketball. (See question #2)
19. When was the last time you felt like crying? Upon learning of a tragic and untimely death in the family. I probably did cry, in fact.
20. Have you ever wanted to kill someone (not that you actually do it)? Not really. I’ve said I wanted to kill someone (not to their face, of course) as it’s a decent means of letting off steam. But that’s different than really wanting to kill them (and way different than actually doing it). I try not to lose my temper, though I have my limits. But I’m not a particularly violent guy. That said, if I absolutely had to because my life or the lives of my loved ones were in danger, I’d like to think that I would do whatever was necessary to protect us. But that most certainly doesn’t mean I would do it with any joy or enthusiasm; while I might want to kill them more than I want to die, I wouldn’t like the fact that the person put me in this position. But killing someone because they scratched my fender, wore the throwback of an opposing quarterback or cut me off in traffic? No, that’s not me at all.
Jill’s Answers
1. Is there someone in your life you know you’d be better off without? I don’t think so. I have a friend who is extremely irritating and needy. She is the reason the expression “pain in the ass” was coined. Despite the fact that I am a wife and mother who works full-time and tries to incorporate sex into my already-crowded schedule, this friend calls me frequently and attempts to monopolize my after-work time. It is very difficult to politely tell this person that, after a long, hard day, the first two people I want to spend time with are my husband and our child, and she isn’t even in the top ten. My life would be so much easier if I didn’t know this person, but she is not mean-spirited or actively trying to hurt us, so no, I don’t believe that I am better off without her in my life.
2. Do you get criticized because of your body? Not openly. If anyone is criticizing me, they’re doing it behind my back.
3. Did you kiss the last person you called? The last person I called was Jack. I have kissed him. The person before that was my mom. I have kissed her. Looking at my call history on my cell phone, the last call I made to someone who I’ve never kissed was on September 26th. I called Comcast to schedule cable installation. But who knows? Maybe the Comcast guy was an ex-boyfriend.
4. When was the last time you danced? I danced with our daughter today! She’s got rhythm.
5. Do you keep in mind other people’s feelings? I always do. In fact, I think I consider other people’s feelings to a fault, meaning that I sometimes try to please the people in my life at my own expense. Coming from a large family in which I was one of the eldest children, I got used to doing things for everyone else, and this has carried over to my adult life. Jack has tried to help me put my needs above the needs of others, but it hasn’t been easy. As they say, old habits die hard. Still, I’m trying, and I think I’m better about it than I used to be.
6. If you have a hang nail, do you pull it or clip it? Clip.
7. Who do you want to forget? I want to forget about people who have hurt me and those I love, such as ex-boyfriends who treated me poorly, and negative people who tried to drag me down to their level.
8. Who was the last person to send you a letter? I have no idea! In college I used to send and receive a lot of letters, twenty or thirty at a time! I used to write to old high school friends, family members I missed, and even new acquaintances and friends who lived close. But that was before e-mail. I think the letter is sadly obsolete.
9. Who did you last tell to shut up? I don’t normally tell people to shut up. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t want to.
10. What’s the last thing that you smelt that smelt bad? A container of mystery food that I encountered in the back of the refrigerator while cleaning it.
11. What’s your favorite cereal? Either Cap’n Crunch or Fruity Pebbles. I can’t choose one over the other. Also, unlike Jack, I do not want to eat the generic equivalents. They taste different, and I will gladly pay more for the name brand.
12. How do you feel when people lead you on, but they don’t even like you? I think it’s pretty shitty, and I feel hurt when it happens. It normally means they’re using me to get something from me. They’re lying, and I hate being lied to.
13. Could you live without sunlight? No. First of all, I need the vitamin D from the sun. Second of all, sunlight makes me happy. If I only had gray skies, I would be sad.
14. What’s something you know is bad, but you want to do it anyway? Sex in public. This is a big turn-on for me, and I love doing it. But the fact that it’s public means we run the risk of being caught, and being caught means possible arrest or public embarrassment, so we don’t do this very much, and generally only when there’s little risk of being caught, or at the very least when the thrill vastly outweighs the risk.
15. What was the last thing you lied about? I was having an instant messenger conversation with the irritating and needy friend I described above. She had popped up to ask me something, I answered her question, and then I got up from the computer assuming the conversation was over. She then popped up on Jack’s instant messenger and asked if I was through talking to her, as apparently she had more to say and continued IMing me after I was gone. When I returned to the computer I told her that I was checking on the baby, when what I should have said was, “I thought I answered your question, and besides, I don’t really like talking to you.” See what I mean about being considerate?
16. Do you regret anything you’ve done in the past week? I regret buying into someone else’s drama, which resulted in three days of having to deal with it. I could have just ignored it, and I would have had a much less stressful week. Because, as I said, I tend to be overly conscious of other people’s feelings, ignoring others isn’t always easy, and I have to deal with the repercussions of the choices I make. I also kind of wish I hadn’t accepted a dinner invitation from the person I described in the first question. But she had been asking to get together for so long, and I finally just gave in to shut her up. Hey, I just thought of something. If I actually told her to shut up, I could be rid of this person, and have an answer for question #9.
17. What was the last movie you bought? The last DVD I bought was P.S. I Love You, which I purchased for somebody as a gift.
18. What is a sport you would like to do? I would like to learn to play golf, but not enough to invest the necessary time and money.
19. When was the last time you felt like crying? I actually cried recently, when I came home late from work and found the baby had fallen asleep before I could see her.
20. Have you ever wanted to kill someone (not that you actually do it)? There are many people in my life who irritate me enough that I want to kill them, though I would never actually do it. Then again, after reading Jack’s answer, I should probably say for the record that I don’t actually want to kill anyone, but sometimes I like saying that I do.

Flash Fiction Friday: Invitation

jackandjillcpl14 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized


Susan’s deep-rooted body image issues meant that social nudity – and with it, group sex – was out of the question. When Nick asked her to accompany him to a swingers’ party she agreed, though she was terrified.
The place was full of gorgeous naked people, all fucking and sucking enthusiastically. The sexually-charged atmosphere turned her on, but one thing was certain: She was not going to get naked in front of a room full of strangers. There wasn’t enough alcohol in the world.
With Susan’s blessing, though, Nick hooked up with a nineteen-year-old hottie with natural boobs and a round, juicy ass. Susan sat beside them on the couch and watched.

I must really love my husband, she thought.
That’s when the most gorgeous, cut guy approached the couch and extended a strong hand Susan’s way.
“Excuse me,” he said. “I was wondering if you’d like to accompany me to one of the private rooms.”
Susan didn’t speak. Instead she raised her hand to his, and he pulled her to her feet.
-Jack
This is my first attempt at Flash Fiction Friday. Thanks to Tame for suggesting – or did she insist? – that we take part this week. I found this meme a challenge thanks to the 208-word maximum. While I was eventually able to craft a pretty lean and to-the-point Flash Fiction Friday story, telling a complete, coherent tale with such a limitation was a daunting task. I attempted to tell three different stories based on the picture prompt. The first one is the story of the self-conscious wife at a swingers’ party which you just read; however, my first attempt resulted in an opening paragraph that was more than one hundred words. The second story concerned an overprotective forty-something mother who rigorously auditions her daughter’s dates before letting them have sex under her watchful eye. Like the first story, I was unable to properly convey this at a reasonable length. The third idea I had concerned a woman who has experienced so many emotional highs and lows during her life that she doesn’t raise an eyebrow when a man and woman begin having sex beside her. At this point I lost all hope of bringing my Flash Fiction Friday story in under the 208-word limit, and this idea evolved into a thrilling, 971-word-long assassins-for-hire story that climaxed both figuratively and literally at a sex party in Amsterdam’s Rosse Buurt. As this story was way too long, and not quite as sexy as I had hoped, I quickly gave the first idea another shot, and the result is the story that I posted.
I might have found Flash Fiction Friday less stressful had I realized that each week’s prompt is posted on Monday or Tuesday. Knowing this would have given me several days to plan and write my story rather than the approximately six hours I gave myself.
If you want to take part in Flash Fiction Friday, check out Erotic Flash Fiction for instructions.

HNT: Love Note

jackandjillcpl12 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized
We are taking a break from the “boots and lingerie” series in order to participate in Osbasso‘s Post-It® theme at OHNT this week. We had planned to use the standard yellow square Post-It® notes, and stick them on my boobs (covering my nipples) with “Lick here” written on one and “Suck here” written on the other one. Of course, last night when we looked for Post-It® notes amongst our office supplies, the only ones we could find were heart-shaped pink ones. They looked better on my ass than they did on my boobs. We hope you enjoy!
-Jill


Mermaid Vs. Whale, or the Greatest Thing We Have Read All Day

jackandjillcpl2 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized
The following has been going around Facebook today. It appears to have been written by a Facebook user named Delphine Fieberg, and as of this writing it has been shared more than one hundred-thousand times. It is copied here verbatim, with no commentary from us beyond this introduction, with all formatting left intact and no attention paid to typographical, grammatical or punctuation errors, if any. Also, we have no way of accounting for the accuracy of anything that is written below, but even assuming that it is a total work of fiction, it is something that we feel needs to be read. We hope that you enjoy it as much as we have.

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”
The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:
“Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.
Mermaids do not exist.
But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?
Without a doubt, I’d rather be a whale.
At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.
We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn’t enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: “How amazing am I ?! “
(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

TMI Tuesday: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

jackandjillcpl6 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized
This week’s TMI Tuesday idea is from Heelsnstocking.

Jack’s Answers
1. What’s the worst reason you have been given for breaking up?
I’d say the worst reason was given me by someone I went out with in college. One night we went on a date and after dinner but before sex, the person in question told me that our Zodiac signs weren’t compatible. Now, I’m not one to ridicule one’s beliefs, and I understand that this sort of thing is a deal-breaker to some people, but at the time I was probably twenty years old, and could think of many more sensible reasons for a woman to consider me undateable than some abstract system of divisions in the celestial plane: I didn’t have a lot of money. I didn’t drive an expensive car. I was probably pretty awkward. I still lived with my parents. I could go on. But I was an upstanding and idealistic guy who worked hard and was capable of treating a woman with respect one minute, and giving her sexual pleasure the likes she’d never imagined the next. (Actually, I’ve always thought that giving a shit about a woman’s pleasure was in fact a show of respect.) I found the idea that she’d rather have potentially dated some unemployed burnout (remember, this was the mid-nineties, when American jobs were plentiful) who might have been prone to domestic violence but who happened to be more astrologically compatible a bit of a joke. Additionally, the fact that she broke up with me after dinner rather than after sex was a blow to my ego, as I was under the impression that she liked sex with me.
2. What’s the worst reason you gave, to someone, for breaking up?
I think all, or at least most of, my reasons for breaking up with someone have been very valid. In my single days, I tried my hardest to be honest while not unnecessarily trampling someone’s feelings. However, I once told someone that I was “too busy” to have a relationship with her. To my credit, it was during a period of my life where I actually was extremely busy with work, school, friends and family, and I didn’t have much time to also incorporate the sort of things that come with a relationship. In other words, if I could have continued to fuck this person without having to ever meet or speak to her parents, hang out at her house and watch TV, drive her to work or school, or spend time with her while clothed, that would have been ideal. However, I really just wasn’t into this person, and I might have suffered through the added stress of a relationship if she was more interesting, more exciting, or otherwise worth it.
3. Have you ever engineered the end of a relationship e.g doing something you know will put the other person off? If yes, what did you do?
Yes. In my twenties I briefly dated a divorced woman who had a young son. Although I didn’t feel much of a romantic or sexual connection to her, I liked her, and I liked her family as well. As this wasn’t enough justification to keep dating her, I sought the end of the relationship but knowing that she had feelings for me, I didn’t want to be the one to break it off. Though my behavior didn’t really change, i.e. I didn’t go from being a good guy to being an asshole, I did distance myself emotionally with the intention of driving her away. It worked, and while I occasionally feel guilty for not ending it responsibly, I take comfort in the likelihood that she’s happier alone or with a different partner than she ever would have been with me.
4. Have you ever stayed with a partner just because you could not bear to end it?
Despite the example in #3, I have generally been pretty good about ending a relationship that’s going nowhere. However, in my much younger days I stayed with someone I knew wasn’t right for me, but not exactly because I couldn’t bear to end it, i.e. not because I was concerned for her feelings, exactly. She had serious mental issues including (I think) bipolar disorder, and I was terrified by the idea of her reacting violently to my attempts to break up with her. Without exactly coming up with a timeframe, I decided to stick it out while I gathered up my courage and got my affairs in order just in case. Before long she left me for some other guy, and I remember being very relieved.
5. Have you ever encouraged a friend to end a relationship? What happened? Are you still friends?
For some reason, friends come to me for relationship advice. I have no idea why this is, but I have listened to, and/or counseled more than a few of my friends on their relationships, and not just friends who know each other so it’s not like one friend told another friend, who told another friend. These are people who, in some cases, have never spoken. I have no real qualifications to give this sort of advice; I’m pretty sure my relationship resume reads pretty much like anyone else’s. But according to relationship expert and soon-to-be-best-thing-on-MTV Dan Savage, a master’s degree is not necessary: “You don’t need qualifications to give advice, someone just has to ask you for your advice to qualify.” So I’ll gladly give my opinion when asked, and try not to second-guess myself after the fact. Most of my friends who seek advice don’t have life-changing problems, and I’d like to think that if they did they’d ask someone whose opinion might carry a bit more weight than my own. Having said that, yes, I did once encourage a friend to dump the guy she was dating. Well, actually that’s not true. I didn’t encourage her, I merely told her that if I was in her shoes I would end the relationship, as they both had vastly different agendas. While she liked the sexual aspect of the relationship what she really wanted was a boyfriend, whereas the guy just wanted a regular piece of ass he could hit without much of an investment. He once very matter-of-factly told her that he was never going to be what she wanted him to be. He told her this on her birthday. Look, I’m all for being honest with significant others and random hookups, but it seemed like this guy was taking advantage of an emotionally-vulnerable person who was willing to have sex with him. I know this because, having been in a similar situation as a younger man, I did more or less the same thing. Ultimately it was my friend’s choice to stay – and she did, for a couple months after this revelation occurred – but his timing illuminated the sort of guy that he was.
Bonus: Have you ever been the cause of a relationship to end? Tell us about it.
As in, was I the outsider who broke up a couple? I’m guessing this question isn’t referring to one of my own relationships. I’m going to say probably, as I have had sex with women who were in pre-existing relationships. For the record, I was not acquainted with these women’s significant others. For the sake of self-preservation and a dislike of drama, my idealistic younger self swore he would never get involved with a woman who was attached. My realistic self, however, liked to get laid (still does!) and frequently recognized an opportunity when one presented itself. My rationalization was that a woman who wanted to stray was going to do so, whether or not it was with me, and as long as I didn’t know the guy I figured no harm done. I suppose this was a reprehensible attitude to take, but the sex was usually quite good, so I have no regrets. Again, I have no evidence to suggest that I contributed to the end of these relationships, or that the relationships even ended. In fact, I know that at least one of these women stayed with her significant other long after we stopped having sex.
Jill’s Answers
1. What’s the worst reason you have been given for breaking up?
In my mid-twenties, I was dating a guy and he told me that we should get married so he could get his green card. He said that we could see other people, and after five years we could get an amicable divorce! When I refused, he broke up with me. Pretty lousy reason, though obviously if he hadn’t broken it off, I would have.
2. What’s the worst reason you gave, to someone, for breaking up?
I don’t have a lot of weird reasons for breaking up with somebody. When I would break off a relationship, I would usually give the standard “It’s not working out”, which happened to be the truth.
3. Have you ever engineered the end of a relationship e.g doing something you know will put the other person off? If yes, what did you do?
I was dating a guy, and a couple months into the relationship I realized that I really didn’t like him all that much. He was kind of a jerk. One night we went to a party, and he went out for alcohol, leaving me behind. Despite the fact that he knew I didn’t like Jack Daniels (or maybe because he knew), that’s all he brought back to the party. I still wanted to drink, so I made myself a Jack and Coke. As though he was trying to bait me, he said, “I thought you don’t drink Jack Daniels.” I was so pissed off at him that, when his friend made a pass at me, I made out with him. The guy I was dating didn’t see, and after the party I met the other guy for sex. Later someone told the first guy that I made out with the second. The first guy suggested that he and I see other people. I said, “I already am.”
4. Have you ever stayed with a partner just because you could not bear to end it?
No. I have a pretty good track record of ending relationships when it’s clear that they’ve run out of steam.
5. Have you ever encouraged a friend to end a relationship? What happened? Are you still friends?
No. While I have given my opinion on friends’ relationships when asked, I would never encourage someone to leave a relationship that he or she is not ready to leave.
Bonus: Have you ever been the cause of a relationship to end? Tell us about it.
Yes, though indirectly. When I was in my twenties, I had sex with a boyfriend while his roommate watched and masturbated. The roommate was dating a friend of mine. When he told her that he’d watched us, she broke up with him.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Dirty Haiku #2

jackandjillcpl3 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized
Dirty Haiku #1 was posted in April 2010. Originally intended to be an ongoing feature detailing various episodes of my sexual life, the Dirty Haiku series was curtailed by a sort of blogger’s malaise that set in once our daughter was born, resulting in a mere nine entries before we ceased blogging in July. I’ve always liked haiku, as they are pretty simple if you follow the five/seven/five pattern, and what sort of primate can’t do that? Of course, haiku are supposed to relate to nature, though I prefer writing about other topics. Notably, various episodes of my sexual life. Anyway, without further ado:
Jack at Eighteen
After our night class
We parked, did what you’d expect,
And I drove her back

Sunday Stealing: The Lucky 33 Meme

jackandjillcpl5 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized
Today we ripped off a blogger named Cheryl of the blog Mad Baggage. She states that she ripped it off as well, but doesn’t say where. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
Jack’s Answers
1. Can you cook? Yes, and not just on the barbecue. I frequently impress myself with my ability to follow a recipe and produce a dish not only worth eating, but worth starting a religion around.
2. What was your dream growing up? Beats me. Probably involved naked ladies.
3. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I could fire laser beams out of my fingers. If comic book superpowers are not allowed, I will say that I wish I was a better athlete.
4. Favorite place? Bed. I know that many look down their nose at lazy people who spend their whole lives sleeping – and Warren Zevon was known in part for his 1976 song (and posthumous biography) I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead – but the truth is that an excessive sleep schedule is one thing from my pre-parenthood days that I really miss.
5. Favorite vegetable Corn on the cob, as purchased at a state or county fair. That is to say, fresh off the barbecue and covered with garlic powder, paprika and Tapatio-brand hot sauce.
6. What was the last book you read. Geek Dad: Awesomely Geeky Projects and Activities for Dads and Kids to Share, by Ken Denmead
7. What zodiac sign are you? Leo
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? None of either.
9. Worst Habit? The one I wore during my brief stay at a convent in the South Pacific. Damn thing just wouldn’t fit.
10. Do you personally know anybody on Blog? Does Jill count?
11. What is your favorite sport? Football
12. Negative or Optimistic attitude? I think I’m split pretty much right down the middle. I try really hard to maintain an optimistic attitude, but I have a very prominent sarcastic and cynical side as well.
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an lift with someone of the opposite sex? If it was Jill? Oral sex at the least. If it was my mom? Probably call for help immediately.
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you? I once went the better part of nine months without sex.
15. Tell me one weird fact about you: My left nipple dispenses perfectly-pasteurized chocolate milk, while my right nipple does nothing at all.
16. Do you have any pets? Does Jill count?
17. Do you know how to do the macarena? No. After learning this particular dance by accident, I successfully destroyed the part of my brain that held that knowledge circa 1997.
18. Is the sun shining where you are now? No.
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scary. Well, maybe not scary anymore, but certainly not cute. At age thirty-five I think I’d classify them as disturbing. As a child, I was deathly afraid of them. This reminds me of Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts feature on Saturday Night Live in the early 1990s, one installment in particular: “To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I wish I was a little bit taller.
21. Would you be my good angel or bad angel? Depends on who you are. If you’re a hot chick, I’ll be the bad angel that leads you to all sorts of debauchery, but you’ll definitely think of me as being very, very good. And if you’re a dude, I’ll be neither your good angel nor your bad angel, unless you let me sit on your shoulder while you sneak into the girls’ locker room.
22. What color eyes do you have? Brown
23. Ever been married? Yes
24. Bottle or Draft? Draft, please. Easy on the head, though.
25. If you won £10,000 today, what would you do with it? Exchange it for American currency.
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? I don’t chew much gum, but if I had to it would probably be something sweet as opposed to a spicier flavor like cinnamon or spearmint.
27. What’s your favorite bar to hang at? Any bar where I can drink for free
28. Do you believe in ghosts? As I once said in a TMI Tuesday entry, while I am a very rational person and believe that there is a scientific explanation for everything, I know far too many people who claim to have experienced supernatural phenomena to easily discount the existence of ghosts.
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Write. Eat. Watch movies.
30. Do you swear a lot? Fucking A.
31. Biggest pet peeve? Thoughtless people, people who refuse to think for themselves, and pretzel M&Ms. Jill says I should say, “When I meet a woman and we’re not having sex within twenty minutes.” I will state for the record that we technically do not have an open relationship and that she is full of shit. Okay, maybe it still pisses me off, but I no longer expect it. (Note that, since this was the second straight week with a pet peeve-related question, I felt entitled to copy and paste my answer from last week.)

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Conscientious.
33. In two words, how would you describe yourself? Sensual lover
Jill’s Answers
1. Can you cook? Yes! Both of my parents are very experienced in the kitchen and I learned from them how to prepare a variety of sumptuous meals from Italian to Cantonese. If you’re ever in the neighborhood, I’d love to cook for you.
2. What was your dream growing up? I wanted to be rich and travel the world. In my twenties and thirties I traveled throughout much of Europe, though not extensively outside of Europe. And while I have never been wealthy, in many ways I feel like I am rich.
3. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I was a better dancer. Dancing is a wonderful way to express oneself, and it makes for great aerobic exercise.
4. Favorite place? Probably Disneyland. It’s the Happiest Place on Earth!
5. Favorite vegetable I love artichokes, espcially grilled with mayonnaise and aioli.
6. What was the last book you read. Some Robert Parker mystery. I can’t remember the name.
7. What zodiac sign are you? Virgo
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? I have one tattoo, and my ears are the only pierced part of my body.
9. Worst Habit? I’m too nice. This frequently prevents me from getting what I want or need.
10. Do you personally know anybody on Blog? Just Jack!
11. What is your favorite sport? Football
12. Negative or Optimistic attitude? Optimistic. I’m a glass-half-full kind of woman, and I tend to see the good in all people and situations moreso than the bad.
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an lift with someone of the opposite sex? Probably make out. It really depends on how long we were stuck. I guess if we were stuck long enough, we might have to have sex for procreation.
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you? I once got ditched in another country.
15. Tell me one weird fact about you: I’ve never participated in a Chinese fire drill.
16. Do you have any pets? No. I have a baby instead.
17. Do you know how to do the macarena? Unfortunately yes. But I haven’t done it in almost fifteen years.
18. Is the sun shining where you are now? No, it’s nighttime, silly.
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scary. Years of watching movies like Poltergeist, It, and Killer Klowns From Outer Space (thanks Jack!) have turned me off of clowns forever.
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I’d love to be taller. I’d love bigger boobs. I guess that’s two things. Bigger boobs then. Or a rounder ass. Can you come back to me?
21. Would you be my good angel or bad angel? Probably good. Deep down I am a good person, but I am very proud of my naughty side.
22. What color eyes do you have? Hazel
23. Ever been married? Yep. In fact, I still am!
24. Bottle or Draft? Draft. Guinness, please! And don’t forget the shamrock!
25. If you won £10,000 today, what would you do with it? Travel the world. As much as I’d love to visit somewhere new, my first stop would be Ireland (for the third time).
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? Strawberry Bubblicious
27. What’s your favorite bar to hang at? One with cute guys, good music, and properly-poured Guinness. I hate bars where they pour you a pint of the black stuff in like four seconds.
28. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? I don’t have much spare time these days, but when I have a little I like to read, sleep, bake, and masturbate. I love to masturbate.
30. Do you swear a lot? Yes, especially when I’m driving.
31. Biggest pet peeve? Rude people, and spit bubbles.
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Fabulous
33. In two words, how would you describe yourself? Easily aroused

HNT: Doorway

jackandjillcpl11 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized
Our Half-Nekkid Thursday picture for this week features me in the same ensemble, and for that matter the same location, as last week. Where last week’s shot was shadowy and mysterious, this week’s shot has the sepia-toned feel of an old-time photograph. Meanwhile, OHNT is hosting another shot from the same photo shoot. I hope you enjoy them both!
-Jill

So This Was Kinda Cool

jackandjillcplLeave a comment
Posted in Uncategorized
After posting our answers to this week’s edition of TMI Tuesday, I decided to tweet a link to the blog entry in the hopes that it would drive some traffic our way. Since I’m a comic genius, I added a couple hashtags to the tweet (#thatsfunny and #laugh), again in the hopes that people would find our blog, read our entry, post a comment when they’d finished laughing, and stick around awhile. I thought nothing of it, really; the eight comments we got were plenty, and the fact that so many talented and entertaining bloggers are reading our stuff makes Jill and I happy. We’ve come a long way from our humble beginnings when our only visitors were open-minded and non-judgmental real-life friends with whom we could trust the fact that we are frequently driven by non-vanilla sexual impulses.
Then, yesterday afternoon, I noticed that we’d been mentioned in a Tweet by something called haha_2funny. Apparently this feed is associated with a daily conglomeration of funny stuff from Twitter, the blogosphere, and elsewhere on the internet. Clicking the link provided in the tweet, I was taken to The #laugh Daily, a rudimentary internet newsletter featuring various stories of the day. Our TMI Tuesday entry was included under the “Arts and Entertainment heading on the main page, right below someone’s review of the Kevin James film Zookeeper.
As its name suggests, The #laugh Daily is updated once a day, but apparently each edition is not archived. As today’s edition has already been posted, I have no way of proving that this actually happened. But it did, we swear.