Dirty Haiku #2

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Dirty Haiku #1 was posted in April 2010. Originally intended to be an ongoing feature detailing various episodes of my sexual life, the Dirty Haiku series was curtailed by a sort of blogger’s malaise that set in once our daughter was born, resulting in a mere nine entries before we ceased blogging in July. I’ve always liked haiku, as they are pretty simple if you follow the five/seven/five pattern, and what sort of primate can’t do that? Of course, haiku are supposed to relate to nature, though I prefer writing about other topics. Notably, various episodes of my sexual life. Anyway, without further ado:
Jack at Eighteen
After our night class
We parked, did what you’d expect,
And I drove her back

Sunday Stealing: The Lucky 33 Meme

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Today we ripped off a blogger named Cheryl of the blog Mad Baggage. She states that she ripped it off as well, but doesn’t say where. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
Jack’s Answers
1. Can you cook? Yes, and not just on the barbecue. I frequently impress myself with my ability to follow a recipe and produce a dish not only worth eating, but worth starting a religion around.
2. What was your dream growing up? Beats me. Probably involved naked ladies.
3. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I could fire laser beams out of my fingers. If comic book superpowers are not allowed, I will say that I wish I was a better athlete.
4. Favorite place? Bed. I know that many look down their nose at lazy people who spend their whole lives sleeping – and Warren Zevon was known in part for his 1976 song (and posthumous biography) I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead – but the truth is that an excessive sleep schedule is one thing from my pre-parenthood days that I really miss.
5. Favorite vegetable Corn on the cob, as purchased at a state or county fair. That is to say, fresh off the barbecue and covered with garlic powder, paprika and Tapatio-brand hot sauce.
6. What was the last book you read. Geek Dad: Awesomely Geeky Projects and Activities for Dads and Kids to Share, by Ken Denmead
7. What zodiac sign are you? Leo
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? None of either.
9. Worst Habit? The one I wore during my brief stay at a convent in the South Pacific. Damn thing just wouldn’t fit.
10. Do you personally know anybody on Blog? Does Jill count?
11. What is your favorite sport? Football
12. Negative or Optimistic attitude? I think I’m split pretty much right down the middle. I try really hard to maintain an optimistic attitude, but I have a very prominent sarcastic and cynical side as well.
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an lift with someone of the opposite sex? If it was Jill? Oral sex at the least. If it was my mom? Probably call for help immediately.
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you? I once went the better part of nine months without sex.
15. Tell me one weird fact about you: My left nipple dispenses perfectly-pasteurized chocolate milk, while my right nipple does nothing at all.
16. Do you have any pets? Does Jill count?
17. Do you know how to do the macarena? No. After learning this particular dance by accident, I successfully destroyed the part of my brain that held that knowledge circa 1997.
18. Is the sun shining where you are now? No.
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scary. Well, maybe not scary anymore, but certainly not cute. At age thirty-five I think I’d classify them as disturbing. As a child, I was deathly afraid of them. This reminds me of Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts feature on Saturday Night Live in the early 1990s, one installment in particular: “To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I wish I was a little bit taller.
21. Would you be my good angel or bad angel? Depends on who you are. If you’re a hot chick, I’ll be the bad angel that leads you to all sorts of debauchery, but you’ll definitely think of me as being very, very good. And if you’re a dude, I’ll be neither your good angel nor your bad angel, unless you let me sit on your shoulder while you sneak into the girls’ locker room.
22. What color eyes do you have? Brown
23. Ever been married? Yes
24. Bottle or Draft? Draft, please. Easy on the head, though.
25. If you won £10,000 today, what would you do with it? Exchange it for American currency.
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? I don’t chew much gum, but if I had to it would probably be something sweet as opposed to a spicier flavor like cinnamon or spearmint.
27. What’s your favorite bar to hang at? Any bar where I can drink for free
28. Do you believe in ghosts? As I once said in a TMI Tuesday entry, while I am a very rational person and believe that there is a scientific explanation for everything, I know far too many people who claim to have experienced supernatural phenomena to easily discount the existence of ghosts.
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Write. Eat. Watch movies.
30. Do you swear a lot? Fucking A.
31. Biggest pet peeve? Thoughtless people, people who refuse to think for themselves, and pretzel M&Ms. Jill says I should say, “When I meet a woman and we’re not having sex within twenty minutes.” I will state for the record that we technically do not have an open relationship and that she is full of shit. Okay, maybe it still pisses me off, but I no longer expect it. (Note that, since this was the second straight week with a pet peeve-related question, I felt entitled to copy and paste my answer from last week.)

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Conscientious.
33. In two words, how would you describe yourself? Sensual lover
Jill’s Answers
1. Can you cook? Yes! Both of my parents are very experienced in the kitchen and I learned from them how to prepare a variety of sumptuous meals from Italian to Cantonese. If you’re ever in the neighborhood, I’d love to cook for you.
2. What was your dream growing up? I wanted to be rich and travel the world. In my twenties and thirties I traveled throughout much of Europe, though not extensively outside of Europe. And while I have never been wealthy, in many ways I feel like I am rich.
3. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I was a better dancer. Dancing is a wonderful way to express oneself, and it makes for great aerobic exercise.
4. Favorite place? Probably Disneyland. It’s the Happiest Place on Earth!
5. Favorite vegetable I love artichokes, espcially grilled with mayonnaise and aioli.
6. What was the last book you read. Some Robert Parker mystery. I can’t remember the name.
7. What zodiac sign are you? Virgo
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? I have one tattoo, and my ears are the only pierced part of my body.
9. Worst Habit? I’m too nice. This frequently prevents me from getting what I want or need.
10. Do you personally know anybody on Blog? Just Jack!
11. What is your favorite sport? Football
12. Negative or Optimistic attitude? Optimistic. I’m a glass-half-full kind of woman, and I tend to see the good in all people and situations moreso than the bad.
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an lift with someone of the opposite sex? Probably make out. It really depends on how long we were stuck. I guess if we were stuck long enough, we might have to have sex for procreation.
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you? I once got ditched in another country.
15. Tell me one weird fact about you: I’ve never participated in a Chinese fire drill.
16. Do you have any pets? No. I have a baby instead.
17. Do you know how to do the macarena? Unfortunately yes. But I haven’t done it in almost fifteen years.
18. Is the sun shining where you are now? No, it’s nighttime, silly.
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scary. Years of watching movies like Poltergeist, It, and Killer Klowns From Outer Space (thanks Jack!) have turned me off of clowns forever.
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I’d love to be taller. I’d love bigger boobs. I guess that’s two things. Bigger boobs then. Or a rounder ass. Can you come back to me?
21. Would you be my good angel or bad angel? Probably good. Deep down I am a good person, but I am very proud of my naughty side.
22. What color eyes do you have? Hazel
23. Ever been married? Yep. In fact, I still am!
24. Bottle or Draft? Draft. Guinness, please! And don’t forget the shamrock!
25. If you won £10,000 today, what would you do with it? Travel the world. As much as I’d love to visit somewhere new, my first stop would be Ireland (for the third time).
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? Strawberry Bubblicious
27. What’s your favorite bar to hang at? One with cute guys, good music, and properly-poured Guinness. I hate bars where they pour you a pint of the black stuff in like four seconds.
28. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? I don’t have much spare time these days, but when I have a little I like to read, sleep, bake, and masturbate. I love to masturbate.
30. Do you swear a lot? Yes, especially when I’m driving.
31. Biggest pet peeve? Rude people, and spit bubbles.
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Fabulous
33. In two words, how would you describe yourself? Easily aroused

HNT: Doorway

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Our Half-Nekkid Thursday picture for this week features me in the same ensemble, and for that matter the same location, as last week. Where last week’s shot was shadowy and mysterious, this week’s shot has the sepia-toned feel of an old-time photograph. Meanwhile, OHNT is hosting another shot from the same photo shoot. I hope you enjoy them both!
-Jill

So This Was Kinda Cool

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After posting our answers to this week’s edition of TMI Tuesday, I decided to tweet a link to the blog entry in the hopes that it would drive some traffic our way. Since I’m a comic genius, I added a couple hashtags to the tweet (#thatsfunny and #laugh), again in the hopes that people would find our blog, read our entry, post a comment when they’d finished laughing, and stick around awhile. I thought nothing of it, really; the eight comments we got were plenty, and the fact that so many talented and entertaining bloggers are reading our stuff makes Jill and I happy. We’ve come a long way from our humble beginnings when our only visitors were open-minded and non-judgmental real-life friends with whom we could trust the fact that we are frequently driven by non-vanilla sexual impulses.
Then, yesterday afternoon, I noticed that we’d been mentioned in a Tweet by something called haha_2funny. Apparently this feed is associated with a daily conglomeration of funny stuff from Twitter, the blogosphere, and elsewhere on the internet. Clicking the link provided in the tweet, I was taken to The #laugh Daily, a rudimentary internet newsletter featuring various stories of the day. Our TMI Tuesday entry was included under the “Arts and Entertainment heading on the main page, right below someone’s review of the Kevin James film Zookeeper.
As its name suggests, The #laugh Daily is updated once a day, but apparently each edition is not archived. As today’s edition has already been posted, I have no way of proving that this actually happened. But it did, we swear.

TMI Tuesday: Gone Hollywood

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This week’s TMI Tuesday questions were the idea of blogger Virtual Sin.

Jack’s Answers
1. If a screenwriter turned you into a character in a movie,
a. What stock Hollywood character would it be most like? For example: best friend, ditzy blonde, absent-minded professor, captain of industry, etc.
b. What actor/actress would play you?
a. I’d like to think of my stock character type as a lantern-jawed action movie hero, but if I’m being honest I’d have to go with the scrappy underdog that the audience comes to respect, and perhaps even root for. If I may quote Vince Vaughn in Swingers: “I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, bad man.”
b. Depends on what point in my life we’re talking about. For scenes in which I am a child, I insist that Hollywood return Haley Joel Osment, Benjamin Button-style, to age nine and cast him. When he looked up at Bruce Willis and, almost shamefully, revealed that he could see dead people, it was deja vu. I said the exact same thing with the exact same tone and inflection three different times when I was nine. I suppose that Haley Joel Osment can be re-aged in order to play me as a teenager/young adult, but truthfully I would much rather perform these scenes myself. For that very unusual and awkward phase I went through in my twenties, may I suggest Cameron Diaz? Jack in his thirties will be played by Edward Norton. Middle-aged Jack will be played by George Clooney. (Sorry, but it’s true. The guy’s middle aged.) Elderly Jack will be once again played by Edward Norton using a combination of CGI and prosthetics. However, all dialogue for this period must be recorded by Haley Joel Osment. Ancient Jack will be played by Clint Eastwood, but not until he’s at least ninety.
2. What genre of movie is your life most like? For example: romantic comedy, goofball comedy, spy, coming of age, action/adventure, sci-fi, etc
Again, this has varied through the years. My early childhood was much like a Pixar movie, full of anthropomorphic talking toys, fish, insects, monsters, cars and superheroes. (No floating houses though.) My adolescence was akin to a 1980s movie featuring a bunch of kids going on an adventure to save the world, their crummy poor neighborhood, or their parents’ marriage. (I was the smart-alecky one who, at twelve, thought he was God’s gift to women and a pioneer in cool. Basically, if my life was The Goonies, I was the Corey Feldman character.) My twenties were a screwball comedy with a hint of action and danger. At that point, my life was a movie in which a bunch of guys take a road trip to Las Vegas and various wacky hi-jinks ensue, but by the following morning everything is back to normal. (You immediately thought of The Hangover; I was thinking Doug Liman’s 1999 film Go.) At present my life is a quirky independent feature with a cast of unknowns, and one down-on-his-or-her-luck B-level star to give the whole thing a teaspoonful of credibility. Ironic considering that, at the moment, my life is more stable than it’s ever been. As such you’d think I’d liken it to something more mainstream, with a bigger budget. In fifteen years I will be fifty years old. My life will be one of John Waters’ more outlandish early-’70s works, or something really over-the-top like Jodorowsky’s El Topo.
3. What kind of scene in a movie would you like to play most? Why?
a. Argument
b. Love scene
c. Gun fight
d. High-speed car chase
I’m all for love scenes, so of these four choices I would go with b. However, I don’t want to do a ridiculously bland Hollywood love scene. Yes, I can be on top for part of the scene, but I insist that we change positions at least once, to one or more of the following: (a) doggy style (b) cowgirl. My co-star(s) will take an active role in the sex and will not be disinterested, shy, silent, or inexperienced. If they insist on showing my co-star(s) and I lying in bed after sex is over, we will not be covered, as we just finished having sex and there is no reason for modesty. If we must cover up for some reason, i.e. the sex occurred in the back of a pickup truck, it’s cold out and for some reason our clothing is inaccessible, we will not use those special movie sheets/blankets that only go up to a man’s waist while somehow completely covering a woman’s breasts. If I am able to choose a scene other than the ones on the list, I would choose the scene in which the police suddenly realize that the killer knows where the key witness is being held for his or her protection, and they rush right over only to find that they are too late. I want to play the killer.
4. Have you ever looked around you and thought “this is like a scene from a movie”? What were the circumstances?
There have been occasions when everything goes perfectly for me: I wake up before my alarm clock sounds, completely rested. There’s no frost on my windshield as I leave the house. Traffic on the freeway is nonexistent. The radio is playing music I like and has forgotten to play crap I don’t like, or even many commercials. I get to my destination and don’t have to put up with annoying bureaucratic bullshit: I’m able to complete my business quickly and continue on with my day. At times like this, my extensive movie-viewing leads me to believe that, since everything has gone perfectly, I am going to die in the next half hour.
5. Have you ever looked at a character in a movie and said, “Hey, that could be me”? Who/what was the character?
Humphrey Bogart as Rick Blaine in Casablanca. Frank Sinatra’s Danny Ocean in Ocean’s 11. Jack Butler (Michael Keaton) in Mr. Mom. King Kong. Whoever Peter North plays in any given movie.
Bonus: Have you ever been in pictures–Hollywood film, porno, homemade video, or other type of film? Tell us about it. …and is it on YouTube 🙂
Homemade porn, most definitely. Not much to tell, just various depraved sex acts filmed with a number of video-recording devices from an old-school VHS camcorder to a Mini-DV camera to a point-and-shoot digital camera to any number of cell phones. No, none of it is on YouTube. Sorry, ladies.
Jill’s Answers
1. If a screenwriter turned you into a character in a movie,
a. What stock Hollywood character would it be most like? For example: best friend, ditzy blonde, absent-minded professor, captain of industry, etc.
b. What actor/actress would play you?
a. Despite Jack’s suggestion that my character be the strong, sexy professional type, I think I’m more of the best friend. I’m not always comfortable being the center of attention, and would much rather be a major supporting character.
b. I’ve always liked Lauren Bacall. However, Jack tells me that she’s almost ninety so I guess she’s probably retired. If Kathleen Turner still looked like she did when she made Body Heat, I would choose her. Since she most certainly does not, I’m going with Katherine Heigl.
2. What genre of movie is your life most like? For example: romantic comedy, goofball comedy, spy, coming of age, action/adventure, sci-fi, etc
Romantic comedy, though at times it bears more than a passing resemblance to a porn film with a really good story, dialogue and production values.
3. What kind of scene in a movie would you like to play most? Why?
a. Argument
b. Love scene
c. Gun fight
d. High-speed car chase
I’m going with the car chase. If I could pick two, I’ll pick the love scene next, because I get the feeling that driving really fast would get me hot.
4. Have you ever looked around you and thought “this is like a scene from a movie”? What were the circumstances?
As a new mom, I was once the target of my baby daughter’s projectile vomiting, and I remember feeling like I was in some sort of gross-out comedy.
5. Have you ever looked at a character in a movie and said, “Hey, that could be me”? Who/what was the character?
As a teacher, some days, I feel like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.
Bonus: Have you ever been in pictures–Hollywood film, porno, homemade video, or other type of film? Tell us about it. …and is it on YouTube 🙂
See Jack’s answer.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!
Editorial Note: With this entry, we break our previous record for most entries in a single month, fourteen, set in October 2008. As you may have guessed, we’re glad to be back.

Sunday Stealing

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Wanting to post something today, we found ourselves looking up various blogging memes. We came across Sunday Stealing, which we’ve seen recently at other blogs we visit, notably Goodwill… We like talking about ourselves, so we thought what the hell. Without further ado:
Jack’s Answers
A. Age: 35
B. Bed size: Queen
C. Chore that you hate: Washing the bathroom floor. I much prefer watching Jill do it.
D. Dogs: None currently. Had a couple when I was a kid.
E. Essential start to your day: Sex, even if by myself.
F. Favorite color: Blue
G. Gold or Silver: Gold
H. Height: Five-something
I. Instruments you play: Acoustic guitar
J. Job title: Self-employed
K. Kids: Just one
L. Live: Yes I do!
M. Mother’s name: Ma
N. Nicknames: Captain
O. Overnight hospital stays: None for myself, though I did stay a couple nights when Jill was giving birth.
P. Pet peeve: Thoughtless people, people who refuse to think for themselves, and pretzel M&Ms. Jill says I should say, “When I meet a woman and we’re not having sex within twenty minutes.” I will state for the record that we technically do not have an open relationship and that she is full of shit. Okay, maybe it still pisses me off, but I no longer expect it.
Q. Quote from a movie: “The dude abides”, from The Big Lebowski, and “Do or do not. There is no try”, from The Empire Strikes Back (as long as George Lucas didn’t change that line for the Blu-Rays).
R. Right or left handed: Correct – I mean, right-handed.
S. Siblings: None by birth, but plenty of siblings-in-law.
T. Time you wake up: Anywhere between five-thirty and eight. In a given week, no two mornings are the same.
U. Underwear: Boxers. I like my boys to hang free.
V. Vegetable you hate: Cauliflower? I’ll eat it, but it’s quite possibly my least favorite.
W. What makes you run late: Masturbation
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Too many to list. My most recent was a chest X-ray.
Y. Yummy food that you make: My signature dish is a pork roast.
Z. Zoo animal: Primates. Any will do, as long as they’re only jerking off, and not hurling shit at me and my family.
Jill’s Answers
A. Age: 40
B. Bed size: Big enough for three, or four if we get creative.
C. Chore that you hate: Vacuuming
D. Dogs: We don’t have any. Nothing against dogs. We love them. When I was younger my family had a dog, but it bit a neighbor kid so we had to get rid of him. Years later, a dog followed my brothers home from school. It stayed with us for about a year then moved on, presumably to win the love of some other family and then stomp on their hearts as it did ours.
E. Essential start to your day: Coffee
F. Favorite color: Green and purple
G. Gold or Silver: Gold, but I prefer white over yellow
H. Height: Five feet, three inches
I. Instruments you play: I’d say the skin flute, but that’s way too easy
J. Job title: Educator and shaper of young minds
K. Kids: One
L. Live: California
M. Mother’s name: Mom
N. Nicknames: Princess Jill
O. Overnight hospital stays: Gall bladder and pregnancy
P. Pet peeve: People who blow spit bubbles. Spit is generally gross, and I do not want to see it in any form
Q. Quote from a movie: A tie between “There’s no crying in baseball”, from A League of Their Own, and “That was a very expensive vase, you bitch,” from The Secret of My Success
R. Right or left handed: Left
S. Siblings: Many
T. Time you wake up: 4:45 AM on most days
U. Underwear: Thong, or none if I’m wearing a skirt or dress
V. Vegetable you hate: Brussels sprouts
W. What makes you run late: Can’t find my keys
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Gall bladder
Y. Yummy food that you make: Chicken cordon bleu
Z. Zoo animal: Giraffe
We enjoyed writing this installment of Sunday Stealing, but there’s a possibility that we won’t do it again, as next week we’re planning to launch our own ongoing Sunday meme. We’ll see.

Wordless Wednesday (But on a Saturday, and Not Even Close to Wordless)

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A friend passed this photo along and we thought it was worth sharing. We’d have waited until Wednesday and not included this preamble, but we already tweeted it yesterday, and waiting another four days to post it meant likely forgetting to post it at all. This photo accurately reflects my feelings on religion.
Though raised Catholic, I don’t have much use for organized religion. My personal belief is that, had the concept of religion never existed, the world would have seen much less war and strife than it has. However, I know many intelligent, respectable people for whom religion provides tremendous comfort. In fact, Jill comes from a traditional Irish Catholic family, and throughout her life she has attended church services regularly. I married her anyway.
Kidding, people. My wife is beautiful, sexy, and very open-minded. She is also an excellent wife and mother. She could have belonged to a cult that worshipped a piece of junk mail and I would have married her. (No offense meant to readers whose religion focuses on junk mail.)
Additionally, like so many other facets of one’s personal life, I would never begrudge someone his or her spiritual life as long as it doesn’t affect me. Just as someone else’s marriage, adoption, or abortion is not my business, neither is someone’s religion – until that religion finds its way into public policy.
Anyway, food for thought.

To Cougar in Training (but you can read it too)

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The dream was brief, offering me only fleeting glimpses: You – what I imagine you look like based on what I’ve seen of you on your blog, or what my subconscious has decided you look like – were lying in bed. Our bed (“our” referring to Jill’s and mine)? I’m not sure. Maybe the bed was in a hotel room somewhere. Maybe it was your bed. I found myself unconcerned with the bed’s origin and unwilling to inquire. There were other things on my mind that took precedence.

My eyes met yours, then focused on your full, inviting lips. A thin sheet clung to you, begging to be removed. Beneath, you were naked, your body every bit as flawless as I imagined and begging for exploration. Sunlight bathed your heaving breasts and soft, warm thighs. Suddenly you were sitting on the edge of the bed, legs wide to invite my exploration. My cock throbbed insistently with anticipation and need, and I hungered to be inside you.
Not yet, though. You told me what you wanted, breathlessly promising to take care of me next. I dropped down between your legs and sated my hunger, my tongue and fingers working in harmony until climax overtook you. I can still hear the sounds you made as you came. And though I remember tasting you, remember feeling you on my hands and mouth, I can’t recall exactly how you tasted and how you felt. (I wish I could, of course.)
As you braced yourself, still shuddering with intense pleasure, I woke with a smile, somehow a little disappointed that I hadn’t managed to sleep just a little bit longer.

To those of you who aren’t Cougar in Training, if you’re not yet familiar with my muse, check out her blog. You’ll be glad you did.

TMI Tuesday: What would you do?

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Jack’s Answers
1. You encounter a good looking lost and frantic tourist looking for the airport. You:
A) Shrug your shoulders, feigning ignorance.
B) Find the shortest route on your smartphone and get him/her a cab.
C) Direct him/her to the nearest bus stop.
D) Get your car, pick up his/her luggage and speed to the airport.
I’d probably go with (A), especially if I had an idea of the tourist’s native language so that I could fake a few sentences in a language the tourist is unlikely to speak or understand. But just so I don’t sound like a total asshole, I’ll say (B). That’s the least amount of effort I can make and not feel guilty about it later. Were the tourist newly-arrived at the airport and looking for her hotel, I would probably drive her there, since there’s a chance that she’ll be so grateful that she’ll invite me in for sex. But if she’s frantically looking for the airport she’s obviously trying to catch a flight, rendering my chances of nookie pitifully slim.
2. You’re taking a vacation alone. Your destination:
A) Beach resort — I just want to relax and de-stress.
B) A group tour — I don’t want to worry about the details.
C) Wherever the dart lands on the map.
D) Every country with a hostel — my backpack is my home.
Again, I’ll go with (A). While the thought of throwing a dart at a map and traveling there is exciting, I am far too dependent on flush toilets to leave such a thing to chance. And while there was a time when I frequented hostels as much for the chance of casual hookups as for the relatively low-cost (and minimal frills), I’d love to think those days are behind me. And while I’ve been on my share of group tours – and have nothing against them in theory – at the moment the most appealing option of the four is most certainly a relaxing resort vacation.
3. Blackout! You can’t watch TV, so you light some candles and:
A) Dig up some batteries and listen to the radio.
B) Invite the neighbors, light a fire and sing camping songs all night.
C) Find a friend and play games that don’t require electricity. . . Like chess.
D) Drive to the next town — oh sweet Wi-Fi, I’ve found you!
This time the ideal course of action is (C). Of course, I’m not much of a chess player so the friend would be Jill, and the games would all be sex-related. I don’t think we have a battery-operated radio in the house, and an old-fashioned hootenany isn’t exactly my scene. And while I like Wi-Fi as much as the next person, I don’t know that I value it enough to venture out in a blackout in the hopes of finding a hot spot. With my luck as soon as I leave the house the power would be back on. Hell, with my luck as soon as I leave the house a mob of looters would turn my car over.
4. The man/woman of your dreams has finally proposed. The relationship is perfect, they are everything you’ve ever dreamed of and ever wanted. They are also a multi-millionaire and want you to sign a prenuptial agreement. Which would you do?
A) Sign it
B) Just not get married
The side of my personality with integrity says I wouldn’t marry this person. The cynical side is already planning a major shopping spree.
5. If you were going to marry an inanimate object, what would you marry?
Note: A woman has married the Eiffel Tower and another has married the golden gate bridge. Read about it HERE
Being a Northern California resident, I would probably try to steal the Golden Gate Bridge away from the bitch who married it. (If not I would just engage in an illicit affair with it behind its spouse’s back.) I’m looking forward to some bloviating right-wing blowhard using my human/bridge marriage as political fodder (“You see? You see what happens when gays are allowed to marry? Next you have people marrying bridges!”)
Bonus: You’ve just inherited a manufacturing plant that specializes in plastics. What are you going to make?
The majority of our output would be some sort of widely-used household product (sorry, I’ve got nothin’), which would then finance the production of safe-to-use (i.e. phthalate-free) sex toys.
Jill’s Answers
1. You encounter a good looking lost and frantic tourist looking for the airport. You:
A) Shrug your shoulders, feigning ignorance.
B) Find the shortest route on your smartphone and get him/her a cab.
C) Direct him/her to the nearest bus stop.
D) Get your car, pick up his/her luggage and speed to the airport.
If he’s cute, I would go with (D). But instead of speeding to the airport, I would take the scenic route, and if he missed his flight I’d suggest he spend the night with me. A lay-over, if you will.
2. You’re taking a vacation alone. Your destination:
A) Beach resort — I just want to relax and de-stress.
B) A group tour — I don’t want to worry about the details.
C) Wherever the dart lands on the map.
D) Every country with a hostel — my backpack is my home.
It’s definitely going to be (A). It won’t be (B), because I don’t want to hang out with old people on my vacation. That’s not sexy at all. It won’t be (C) because I have bad aim. And it won’t be (D) because the last time Jack and I stayed in a hostel a team of rugby hooligans on our floor made so much noise that we couldn’t even hear ourselves have sex.
3. Blackout! You can’t watch TV, so you light some candles and:
A) Dig up some batteries and listen to the radio.
B) Invite the neighbors, light a fire and sing camping songs all night.
C) Find a friend and play games that don’t require electricity. . . Like chess.
D) Drive to the next town — oh sweet Wi-Fi, I’ve found you!
I am tempted to say (B) and go on at length about how much I love singing songs by a fire, mainly because I know that Jack would instantly question our marriage. In reality, though, I would probably say (C). I’d rather not drive in a blackout, and of the remaining choices, (C) is the least weird.
4. The man/woman of your dreams has finally proposed. The relationship is perfect, they are everything you’ve ever dreamed of and ever wanted. They are also a multi-millionaire and want you to sign a prenuptial agreement. Which would you do?
A) Sign it
B) Just not get married
I’d probably sign it. I wasn’t getting married with the intention of leaving, or of bilking someone out of his money. If every aspect of the relationship is as good as described in the question, I would probably sign it.
5. If you were going to marry an inanimate object, what would you marry?
Note: A woman has married the Eiffel Tower and another has married the golden gate bridge. Read about it HERE
I would marry San Francisco’s famed Coit Tower. It kind of looks like a penis!
Bonus: You’ve just inherited a manufacturing plant that specializes in plastics. What are you going to make?
Well, the first thing I thought of was dildos. So I’ll go with that!
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to TMI Tuesday from your website!