Relax and open up (your mind) for International Fisting Day

jackandjillcpl4 Comments
Posted in Cambria List Courtney Trouble Fisting International Fisting Day Interview Obscenity Pornography San Francisco Bay Guardian SFBG Article Written by Neither
When queer porn stars Courtney Trouble and Jiz Lee noticed that fisting scenes were being consistently edited out of conventional pornography, they knew something had to be done. Enter International Fisting Day, which will be born with an ecstatic shout this Fri/21. The actor-activists hit upon the idea of the day to expose the joys of fisting and mobilize bloggers, porn lovers, and supporters everywhere to share the good word about a good fist. We recently conducted an interview with Courtney Trouble via email. She was a-tingle awaiting her new holiday, set to coincide with Live Sex Show, the movie she shot at this year’s Masturbate-a-thon at the Center for Sex and Culture (yes, it includes fisting galore). She says that sex-positivity is all about celebrating consensual sex that makes people happy. Fisting does just that — so why do we still consider it obscene?

San Francisco Bay Guardian: What inspired you to create International Fisting Day?
Courtney Trouble: I am a female pornographer, as well as an artist, small business owner, and performer. I have spent 10 years in front of and behind the camera, running my own websites, and directing and editing my own films, every single day feeling like I’m fighting for my rights as a female to have and show authentic orgasms and authentic sex on camera.
The inspiration to create International Fisting Day came when a VOD company insisted on editing out a fisting scene between the legendary Nina Hartley and Jiz Lee in my new film, Live Sex Show. I thought about it for a while because I’ve edited out fisting in the past for producers, just in order to get published in the first place. This film is different because I’m releasing it independently, so I have a choice now whether or not to show everything. So, I watched the scene again and thought, if I cut out this fisting scene, I am cutting out Jiz Lee’s incredible orgasm — you can’t just show the orgasm and pretend that it happened some other way. That real, gorgeous, incredible orgasm came from fisting. Jiz agreed with me, and we came up with this great idea — get people to celebrate it publicly, to come out as fisting fans, to start talking about it, to open up more dialogue about sex positivity, erotic art, and censorship.
The goal is to create a new awareness of this sex act, mainly from Jiz and my own feminist and queer perspectives, but it’s open to everyone’s interpretation. We are hoping that people take a moment in the day to watch some fisting porn with an open mind, try it with a partner, and go to our local porn shops and tell them that we will gladly purchase and support indie porn that includes fisting.
SFBG: Why do you think mainstream porn companies censor fisting?
CT: Mainstream porn companies rarely shoot fisting because adult industry lawyers have advised them not to. Fisting appeared on a list of potential triggers for obscenity lawsuits. This list was created by Paul Cambria in 2001, and is known as the Cambria List. On this list, fisting (and squirting, sharing a dildo, wax dripping, blindfolds, bondage toys, transsexuals, bi-sexual sex, menstruation sex, and interracial sex) are listed in equality with underage fantasies, rape, necrophilia, incest, and bestiality. Bukkake and facial ejaculation shots are also on this list.
Why most of these sex acts or themes have been allowed into the mainstream adult showcase while fisting remains as prohibited as some of the more serious acts is beyond me. Further more, many of these prohibited things, such as transsexuals, bisexual sex, menstruation, and squirting, identify a larger problem within the community of adult industry lawyers that mandate these guidelines, and the filmmakers and producers that perpetuate this list’s power over our work – that the adult industry at large is misogynist and homophobic.

SFBG: What is fisting and how do you do it?

CT: I think some people can get a little confused as to what it is, and that’s the biggest reason why there should be more of it shown in pornography across the board.
Fisting is simply four fingers and a thumb sliding into a vagina (or ass, for those inclined and well-lubed). The hand then slips delicately inside the hole, past the knuckles and anywhere along the palm of the hand, even up to the wrist. It’s basically allowing the vaginal muscles to decide how little, or how much, the body wants to take in. The fistee is left feeling full, and often times the fister can feel the beating of the heart, muscle swelling, and the walls of the vagina moving up and down the hand. There’s a misconception that’s it’s forced in, when most fisting is initiated entirely by the person getting fisted. In fact, it’s usually the vagina itself that will decide to just swallow a hand entirely.
Once the hand is fully inside, it generally stays still, allowing both parties to experience that connection. Some movement is natural, and after a while, light thrusting may or may not happen. Every once in a while it might be faster or harder, but in general, fisting is all about a hand and a hole listening to each other very closely. It’s one of the most beautiful, intimate sex acts I’ve ever experienced. It’s sex positive and builds a deeper connection between sex partners. It’s encourages deeper communication. And most people who have been fisted will probably tell you, it’s one of the best ways to orgasm in the whole wide world.
SFBG: Is fisting in itself a liberating act? A queer act? A feminist act?
CT: I find fisting to be incredibly liberating! Did you know that a human heart is the size of a fist? Whenever I’m fisting I think about that, what if this person’s heart was inside me right now? Perhaps this is too personal for a public forum such as the Guardian but if you’ll let me say it… for me, getting fisted is the most sacred, intimate, beautiful, and loving sex act I participate in.
Fisting is not exclusively a queer act. However, I have heard it called “the bread and butter of queer sex.” For female-bodied queers and lesbians, fisting is a great form of skin-to-skin, penetrative, sex, a better option than just a few fingers or a silicone sex toy.
I personally find fisting to be an extremely feminist act, as it challenges you to admit that there are things besides cocks that can get women off. It expands our sexual repertoire beyond phallic insertion, and I enthusiastically invite men to try fisting (and all forms of hand sex) with their female partners as well as your usual penis-in-vagina sex — it can prolong your night in bed, bring you closer together, and open up lines of communication and fantasy that weren’t open before.
SFBG: Should people who don’t personally enjoy fisting take part in International Fisting Day?
CT: Of course! Allies are so crucial to projects like this. This day is meant to create awareness around censorship of sexual pleasure and all the ways we can attain it with our own bodies. This is about sex positivity in all its forms. If you don’t enjoy fisting (as a top or a bottom) – take a moment on Fisting Day to talk about it with your partner or your friends. And, well, what do you like? Where does pleasure come from? What can we do in one day to make sex less scary, less secretive, less shameful?
SFBG: Where can we find some good porn that shows fisting in all its glory?
CT: My sites QueerPorn.Tv and NoFauxxx.Com never shy away from showing fisting when it happens naturally in a sex scene. Crash Pad Series is also a great place to find some.
SFBG: How can we celebrate? What should be done on International Fisting Day?
CT: [You can go to] our online hub and also our Facebook event page for more information. On Fri/21, [you can] post a blog about fisting — what it means to you, what you like about it. Tweet about #fisting, Facebook about the act. Share posts. Tumblr the fuck out of it. Read a fisting how-to book. Watch queer porn online. We will post our favorite, uncensored scenes from sites like QueerPorn.TV, Crash Pad Series, No Fauxxx, and more. You can enter a contest at Queer Porn Tube, a free user-generated, community-driven queer porn site. Upload photos or videos (hardcore or just plain cute or symbolic) and you can win a Skype date with [me], an autographed copy of Live Sex Show, or international fame — your choice. And if you want to be one of the first wave of supporters to order a DVD that actually has fisting in it, October 21st is also the release date of Live Sex Show. Watch a free online fisting workshop hosted by [myself] at 8 p.m. PST where [I] will answer your questions live, demonstrate some easy techniques, and fist a porn star friend! (We will post the link here on October 21)
United we fist!

TMI Tuesday: It’s All About Me

jackandjillcpl10 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized


It’s TMI Tuesday again. You know that dreaded interview question “Tell me about you/yourself?” Who the hell knows how to answer that! These questions are a lot more fun (and easier) way to Tell Us More About YOU 🙂

P.S. Based on your answers we will make snap judgements and form stereotypical opinions about you 🙂
Jack’s Answers
1. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”…What is it that you will show me?
Though I tend to enjoy most of my media in digital format these days, I prefer to read books the old fashioned way. I’ve got an impressive collection of books on film, including screenplays, memoirs, rare books on film production, criticism, study and analysis, and the like.
2. What was the last thing you regret buying?
Though I do tend to buy quite a bit of stuff, I don’t experience much buyer’s remorse. Usually if I’m in the market for something big or expensive I do my research and hopefully I manage to make an informed choice. Thus I found this question difficult to answer. The only thing that comes to mind was a rare book I picked up at a used book sale, and which I discovered I already owned once I got home. Of course, it only cost me a quarter, and considering that I could probably sell the book on eBay or Amazon Marketplace for ten to twenty dollars, I guess I don’t really regret it.

3. How happy are you? 1 = not happy at all to 5 = very happy
I’m going to say 4.5. I know Jill will say 5 and my lower rating is in no way a judgment of her or our life together. I am happy in every imaginable way. But I could always be happier.
4. Last night, what did you go to bed thinking about?
Sex. Unfortunately Jill was already asleep so we didn’t have any. Then again, we had sex at four different times between Friday evening and Sunday afternoon, so I have no right to complain.
5. Tell us something that made you happy this past week or made you think “that’s cool!”
My daughter told me that she loved me for the first time.
Bonus: What is your favorite mark of punctuation? Why?
I am particularly fond of the semicolon, as it is a sadly misunderstood and improperly-utilized punctuation mark. I am also a fan of the Oxford comma, of which it seems that the average American English speaker is unware. (You read that right: I am a fan of a punctuation mark.) Here’s why the Oxford comma is so important:

(Apologies for the truncated image. I’m not very good at formatting these things, but I think you get the point.)
Jill’s Answers
1. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”…What is it that you will show me?
I will show you my pussy if you show me your cock. I will also flash pussy for pussy, or boobs for boobs. I thought about also giving a non-sexual answer, but I can’t think of one that defines me as much as the answer I actually gave.
2. What was the last thing you regret buying?
Pretzel M&Ms. Awhile back, we bought a bag on a whim, just to try them. Jack warned me that they wouldn’t be any good, but I saw that they were fewer calories than peanut M&Ms. Jack was right, we didn’t eat them, and we ended up – what did we do with them? I think we just threw them at people.
3. How happy are you? 1 = not happy at all to 5 = very happy
I’m a 5. Except for when I’m not.
4. Last night, what did you go to bed thinking about?
I was thinking about good sex, and hoping to have some. Unfortunately I fell asleep while putting the baby to sleep, and that was a wrap on my night. Hence my solo playtime in the shower this morning.
5. Tell us something that made you happy this past week or made you think “that’s cool!”
Something one of the students in my class said made me laugh. I would explain what he said in detail, but literally every single person we know has heard the story by now, and I’m afraid it would be too revealing.
Bonus: What is your favorite mark of punctuation? Why?
I love exclamation points! You can put an exclamation point after anything you write, and suddenly you’re shouting!
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

A Funny But Inconsequential Article; Or, Proof Positive That Most People Have Their Heads in the Gutter

jackandjillcpl5 Comments
Posted in Family Feud Funny Huffington Post Pastor's Wives Sperm Spitting vs. Swallowing Steve Harvey Swallow Video Clip written by Jack

…Not that that’s a bad thing, necessarily. From Huffington Post:

“Magen, tell me something you put in your mouth but don’t swallow.” Before the question left “Family Feud” host Steve Harvey’s lips, he knew he had stumbled into sticky territory.
After innocuously getting the answer “gum” during the initial round, Harvey walked over to the Forsythe team and posed the same question. But Magen, the girl he asked (and a pastor’s wife to boot), gave him an incredulous look that summed up what most viewers were likely thinking (assuming that, like us, most viewers have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy).
Harvey immediately spirals into a half tirade/half lecture about how such a question — and such an answer — could potentially harm the squeaky-clean legacy that “Family Feud” has enjoyed for decades.
How does Magen eventually answer? Does she tiptoe around the question? Is “Family Feud” off the air after an advertiser revolt against swallowing? You may be surprised.
For the record, I’ve never given much thought to the wives of pastors and such. Nothing against them as a whole, but were I to think “pastor’s wife” I would probably think quiet, demure, sexually repressed and frustrated, and probably not in favor of the majority of the values for which I stand. But Magen seems to prove otherwise. I found her pretty cute, and the fact that she was confident enough to say what I’m guessing the majority of her team, the studio audience, and the home audience was thinking was hot. The fact that her answer was not on the board indicates that the people surveyed were probably not as honest or confident as she.
I’m actually a bit disappointed in Steve Harvey. He seemed threatened by Magen’s answer (if not by Magen herself), though I’m guessing (or hoping) based on what I know of him that this was for show in order to protect Family Feud’s “squeaky clean legacy”. I actually find Harvey’s description of the show as “Christian entertainment” (likely meant facetiously) to be highly dubious, as I’m not the only viewer who remembers Richard Dawson and his penchant for forcing himself on female contestants. (In order to avoid upsetting the legions of fundamental Christians who frequent our blog, I’ll avoid suggesting that forcing oneself on a woman is consistent with Christian values.)
Now that I think of it, Family Feud is not broadcast live. If Magen’s answer was so problematic that the host of the show had to disavow it, why was the segment allowed to air? Why not just replace the offending question with another, more family-friendly one? For that matter, why bother asking the question in the first place? Obviously if most people hear “Name something you put in your mouth but don’t swallow” and think of something sexual, I imagine that at least one of the show’s producers does as well. Therefore I’m guessing that the question was included on the show precisely because of the possibility of a sexual reference being made – perhaps not one as explicit as “sperm” – with Harvey instructed to visibly disapprove. Lame.
Now that I think of it, I wonder if Magen’s answer wasn’t on the board because the hundred people surveyed actually prefer to swallow.

Sunday Stealing: The Questions Galore Meme, Part 2

jackandjillcpl7 Comments
Posted in Funny Meme Hatred Not Sexy Sunday Stealing Written by Both
Today we ripped off a blogger named Jenni from the blog Juniper’s Jungle. It’s long, so we will do it in parts. She states that she found this meme [at] Budgies blog. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
[Note: When these questions were originally posted Jill and I pasted them into a word processing document in order to answer them. However, since then the wording of a few of the questions has been altered and in some cases questions were changed completely. The original three questions, and our answers thereto, are included as bonus questions.]
Jack’s Answers
21. What was the last song you listened to that wasn’t sung in English? It was either “Llorando”, by Rebekah Del Rio (Spanish), or “Vaka”, by Sigur Rós (Vonlenska/Hopelandic).
22. One of our SS players generally leaves a critical comment on our memes. Which is fine. All’s fair. Do you let meme authors know when you hate their memes? No. I generally don’t find blogging memes to be sufficiently important as to inspire an extreme emotional reaction, especially not hatred. If I don’t like something that much, I don’t participate. I certainly don’t bother to bitch to the person responsible. What’s the point?
23. What TV show would you like to be on? I would like to appear on a revival of Twin Peaks, with Idris Elba in the role of Special Agent Dale Cooper and either Abigail Breslin or Chloë Moretz as Laura Palmer. Rather than concerning the murder of a local homecoming queen in a small town in the Pacific Northwest, it would instead be about either human trafficking in a Texas border town, or the illegal poaching of Chesapeake Bay crabs in a coastal town on the Eastern Seaboard. I would portray the log.
24. What was the last video game you played? I’m pretty sure it was Metroid, the 1987 sci-fi adventure game for the NES. On the rare occasion that I have time to play a video game, I’m probably on my laptop, running an NES emulator and playing something from the mid-to-late-’80s, likely one of a handful of NES games that still hold my interest for replay value as well as nostalgia and overall fun. That said, it’s been awhile since I played.
25. Have you ever been in a musical? If yes, do tell. Sarcastic answer: Why yes! I find myself in a musical quite often. Why, just recently I was walking down the street on an unsually sunny day and I suddenly burst into a song worthy of Rodgers and Hammerstein. As I traveled along my path, the various townspeople I passed joined me not only in my walk, but also in my song, until I found myself in the middle of town, where everyone joined me in the town square as our song reached its culmination. Truthful answer: No. I’ve only been in the audience of a musical.
26. Do you follow your own style or everyone else’s? I think I follow my own style. On the rare occasion that I take a style cue from someone else, it’s certainly not “everyone else”, as I find the latest thing that all the kids today must wear/have/watch/do to be fairly shallow and vapid. Of course, as a thirty-five-year-old man, were I to follow the same trends as “all the kids today”, it would come off as desperate and creepy, so there’s another reason that I avoid it.
27. What’s the last store you bought from? I picked up a magazine from Barnes & Noble a couple days ago. That’s probably the last purchase I made.
28. In retrospect, have you ever let a person use you a lot? For sex? Not as much as I would have liked. In general? Not very much. I am pretty resistant to being used, though I am willing to do a lot for people who aren’t users and who appreciate my efforts.
29. What are you doing two days from now? Masturbating? I’m going to say masturbating. This is something I enjoy, and the likelihood of my doing so on any given day is high.
30. Did you ever believe there were monsters in your closet? There was a period in my early childhood where I didn’t actually believe that there were monsters in my closet, but I worried that at some point there might be. My parents’ bedroom was directly behind my own, and there was a passage between our two closets. I never heard a noise coming from their bedroom that made me think there was something in the closet, but knowing about the passage I did worry that something (a monster, naturally) could come and get me from their room while I was focused on keeping something from coming to get me through my bedroom’s main entrance.
31. When you graduated high school, did you let random people sign your yearbook or just close friends? As in, people I didn’t go to school with? No. The only people I let sign my yearbooks were those whose picture, or at least whose name, appeared in it. As for random people who attended my school, if asked I did exchange a signature with someone who was technically not a friend, i.e. a casual acquaintance or someone I’d seen regularly in the halls and at school events.
32. Would you consider adopting a child that had a mental illness? At the risk of sounding like a completely heartless asshole – something I may be, but I honestly don’t believe that I am – I probably wouldn’t. This is in no way meant as a judgment of mentally disabled children, or children with disabilities in general. This is more of a judgment of myself. I’m the father of a very active child. She’s wonderful and I wouldn’t change anything about her, but she takes so much out of me that it’s a wonder I am able to function at the end of an average day with her. Parenting is difficult though rewarding, and only the strong and committed need apply. The parents of disabled children have my respect, as while I am optimistic that I would be able to properly raise such a child, I consider myself very fortunate that the challenges I face daily as a parent are comparable to those faced by most parents. It’s not that I feel that a mentally disabled child isn’t worthy of my love, my time or my effort. It’s that I know my limitations, and given the extra work raising such a child would require, I would be very wary of letting said child down.
33. Does thinking about death scare you? Mine? Not really. This is not to say that I am in any way ready to die, that I am particularly comfortable or at peace with the thought of dying, or that when the time comes I will face Death bravely and go with him (or her) willingly. For all I know, even if I live a long and dignified life, when my time comes I will lose my shit completely and begin begging, bargaining, or offering anything – or anyone – nearby in trade. At the very least, I would rather not die anytime soon, as there is much that I still want to experience in life. But generally speaking, the thought of my death isn’t particularly scary, and I hope that it is painless. The thought of my loved ones dying, however, chills me to the very bone. Especially since becoming am a parent, the thought of harm coming to those I love is crippling if I give it much thought. Of course, it is for this reason that I do my best to avoid thinking about it.
34. If you died, do you believe that you go to Heaven or Hell and where would your spirit go? I’m going to say neither, as without having any definitive proof I don’t really believe that either place exists. However, I will play Devil’s Advocate here and say that, assuming that the idea of a traditional Hell exists and that this is where sinners spend eternity after they die, Hell is most certainly where I would go, as the Christian church and many other religious denominations seem to have a zero-tolerance policy for heathens such as myself. Through the sin of lust alone I would probably have condemned myself to eternal damnation years ago, as I think about sex pretty often. Maybe not every single waking moment, but I’d say that most waking moments. And quite a few asleep ones as well. Fortunately I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, so I’m not stressing out over it.
35. Who did you last write a snail mail letter to and why? I haven’t a clue. Keeping consistent with my answer to one of the questions last week, I have no recollection of the ins and outs of my snail mail activities (when I used to have any). I literally cannot recall the last time I affixed a stamp to anything, much less to a letter and to whom this letter was mailed.
36. Do you care what people say or think about you? I care what some people say or think about me, sure. I want the people whose opinions I respect to think positive things about me, but if these people are, for whatever reason, determined to think poorly of me, I am not inclined to alter myself or my behavior in order to influence their opinions.
37. Have you ever been threatened? Depends how you mean it. When I was less mature I dated attractive women and sometimes I felt threatened when guys hit on them even though they were with me. I can be pretty competitive, and I didn’t take kindly to such incursions. Naturally the fact that I attracted women who encouraged other guys’ advances, as well as my own reaction to this behavior, is an indication of my insecurity at the time. Now I’m married and pretty secure not only in myself but in my relationship as well, and when Jill flirts or is flirted with, it simultaneously flatters me and turns me on. As for threats of physical violence, these are limited to the standard childhood and adolescent threats from bullies, though I’m hesitant to include these as they hardly count; and a couple women I dated who threatened to inflict great bodily harm on me when they learned that I have female friends. In general, I’m not particularly violent or confrontational, and I find that serious threats are essentially much non-existent.
38. Which side of your family do you get most of your qualities from? Definitely my Dad’s side more than my Mom’s. I’ve been closer to my Dad’s side than my Mom’s for the majority of my life, and I think my qualities, both positive and negative, come from my paternal grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and yes, my Dad as well.
39. What was the last thing with alcohol that you drank? I had a couple highball glasses of Irish whisky on Friday, and Jill told all of her followers on Twitter that I was too drunk to fuck her. (I wasn’t.)
40. Have you ever kept a relationship a secret? Not my own, but I have tried to keep a friend’s relationship a secret so as to prevent a vengeful ex from finding out. The vengeful ex found out anyway. It’s hard to keep that sort of thing a secret, especially in the current information age in which we live.
Bonus #1: What did you last draw? I used to draw frequently. From childhood to adolescence drawing was something I greatly enjoyed, and I could kill a sketch pad in a matter of just a few days. In college, I used to save my class notes not for the information contained therein, but for the copious doodles I would draw in the margins. I would draw pastoral landscapes, surreal scenes, still lifes, bad-ass action heroes, monsters, and scenes of violence so graphic that, had a teacher seen them in 2011 rather than 1991, I would have been sent to the counselor’s office where I would have fervently denied that there was anything wrong at home and news reporters would still have shown up on my front lawn to talk to my parents. These days, though, I don’t draw very much. The last thing I drew may well have been a very rough sketch of SpongeBob SquarePants for the purposes of amusing my daughter.
Bonus #2: Do you lick envelopes or tape them shut? Envelopes? Like for mailing a letter? As in a piece of personal correspondence (i.e. not a utility or credit card bill) which is physical in nature (i.e. not an e-mail) but is not a greeting card? Something that begins with “Dear [name]”, includes a few lines of text and closes with “Sincerely, [name]”, “Love, [name]”, “Fondly, [name]” or some similar sentiment? I’m pretty sure I used to lick them, but it’s been awhile since I mailed anything.
Bonus #3: What was the last thing you drank? A glass of water.
Jill’s Answers
21. What was the last song you listened to that wasn’t sung in English? I can’t think of one. Pass.
22. One of our SS players generally leaves a critical comment on our memes. Which is fine. All’s fair. Do you let meme authors know when you hate their memes? No. If I don’t like it, I just don’t do it. I remember skipping a TMI Tuesday once because we didn’t care for the questions. I can be critical when a situation calls for it, but I don’t think that a blogging meme will affect anyone’s life.
23. What TV show would you like to be on? I think I would like to be on a game show, one where I can win lots of money and fabulous prizes. Maybe Wheel of Fortune, but back in the old days when you used to be able to buy those overpriced prizes with the money you won. Unfortunately, you had to spend the whole amount, which meant $15 decks of playing cards. Sometimes they used to put the remainder on a gift certificate to Service Merchandise, but they’ve been out of business almost ten years now. And remember, once you win a prize, it’s yours to keep!
24. What was the last video game you played? I’m not sure. It’s been awhile. Something on the Wii, probably.
25. Have you ever been in a musical? If yes, do tell. I was in a production of Tom Sawyer when I was in the eighth grade. I know it’s not usually performed as a musical, but this time it was.
26. Do you follow your own style or everyone else’s? I follow my own style. I don’t really pay attention to trends, and when I do, by the time I notice something is in style, it’s on the way out.
27. What’s the last store you bought from? I bought a Princess potty for the baby from Toys ‘R’ Us today.
28. In retrospect, have you ever let a person use you a lot? I get asked to do a lot of different things for people, because I am pretty outgoing and generous with myself and my time. So I guess that, yes, people in general sometimes do use me. My own fault for letting them, of course.
29. What are you doing two days from now? Work, followed by a dental appointment. If there’s anything else planned, it must be a surprise because Jack hasn’t told me about it.
30. Did you ever believe there were monsters in your closet? When I was younger I did. I always made my parents check the closet before I went to bed, and the closet door had to remain shut while I slept. I’m not sure what I thought might be in there, but whatever it was, I didn’t want to know about it.
31. When you graduated high school, did you let random people sign your yearbook or just close friends? Mainly friends.
32. Would you consider adopting a child that had a mental illness? I would be open to it, yes. I think I would adopt a child with a mental illness if we had the opportunity and the financial means.
33. Does thinking about death scare you? Yes. It terrifies me, especially since having a baby. The thought of dying scares me, and so does the thought of my friends and family members dying.
34. If you died, do you believe that you go to Heaven or Hell and where would your spirit go? I would probably go to Heaven. I assume that they don’t really care about all the dirty but consensual sex I’ve had in my life. I can only hope that they’ve got more important things to worry about.
35. Who did you last write a snail mail letter to and why? I sent a thank-you letter to a friend in return for a birthday gift.
36. Do you care what people say or think about you? I really wish that I could say no, but I do care. I’m more concerned with how my relatives (and to a lesser extent my friends) perceive me. I guess I’m not as preoccupied by the opinions of random strangers or even casual acquaintances. But growing up, it was essential to me that I not disappoint my parents (who admittedly were not overly restrictive). I have carried this way of thinking into adulthood, and while I think it has helped me to be a better person, to some extent I feel as though I am sometimes inhibited by it.
37. Have you ever been threatened? Honestly, I don’t think so. If someone threatened me, they were so subtle about it that I never noticed.
38. Which side of your family do you get most of your qualities from? My Dad’s. His side of the family is more tight-knit, and he and most of my relatives on his side are warmer and more nurturing. My Dad’s side of the family also really knows how to throw a party and have fun, and I like to think that I have inherited this quality as well.
39. What was the last thing with alcohol that you drank? A Pisco Sour while at a dinner party with friends.
40. Have you ever kept a relationship a secret? No. I’ve always been very open and honest, and I don’t really believe in keeping secrets.
Bonus #1: What did you last draw? I drew a piranha on Friday. I was teaching my class to draw with shapes, and a piranha was the animal that tied into the oval shape.
Bonus #2: Do you lick envelopes or tape them shut? I lick them. It’s a good way to stay in practice.
Bonus #3: What was the last thing you drank? Water with dinner.

A Ridiculous Petition; or Won’t Somebody PLEASE Think of the Children?

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Posted in CVS Louis CK One Million Moms Petition Rite Aid Sex Toys Sex-negative right-wing idiots Walgreens written by Jack
I learned of this petition through the Tumblr account of adult retailer Babeland, and immediately felt an angry rant boiling up inside me. I decided that rather than divide my thoughts into approximately one hundred 140-character Tweets, I’d instead post them here. The petition, which comes to us from a website called One Million Moms.com, is aimed at forcing major drugstore chains Walgreens, Rite Aid, and CVS to remove “v*br*tors, d*ld*s and other s*x toys” (censorship theirs) from their websites. Here is the text of the petition.
Adult Toys Sold on Pharmacy Websites
There is a problem when websites for drug stores start looking like adult fantasy stores instead of a place for medical needs. We are highly concerned when adult toys are being sold online in the least likely places. Online filters may not catch this, and children are stumbling onto these sites by accident.
One of our supporters reported that her child found this on Rite Aid’s website. After checking around, our research proved Rite Aid is not the only offender. Walgreens and CVS (not nearly the quantity as the other two) are also at fault. When is it ok to sell v*br*tors, d*ld*s and other s*x toys on a drug store’s website? (An asterisk ‘*’ is used to ensure our emails get through to those who have signed up for our alerts. Otherwise specific words referenced would be blocked by some internet filters.)
At these sites, there is not a warning of any kind. These websites have online shopping available, and under “Sexual Wellness” or “Sexual Well-Being” there are pages of adult toys offered on the Rite Aid and Walgreens sites. CVS had one, and you have to type in the search box to find it.
TAKE ACTION
Please send an email letter to Rite Aid, Walgreens, and CVS requesting they no longer sell adult toys on their websites. Urge them to remove all s*x toys immediately or you will be shopping elsewhere.
Send Your Letter Now!
NOTE: If you see a commercial or program which is offensive, email us the information. Many of you have done this, and it is very helpful.
First off, I feel that the women in charge of One Million Moms.Com, or at least this petition, would greatly benefit from a vibrator, preferably one designed for G-spot stimulation. Ladies, it’s far too obvious that you are sexually frustrated. A vibrator may not bring you flowers or cuddle with you afterwards, but it also won’t mention the weight you’ve gained since you bought it, or fall asleep before you’ve gotten off. In the remotely slim chance that anyone involved in this petition, from writer to signer, is reading this, let me emphatically repeat my point: Vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, nipple clamps and other toys marketed toward adults (i.e. not your children) are a good thing. They make the world a better place. I suggest you buy a couple, and I suggest you buy them from Good Vibrations, Babeland or Smitten Kitten, as these three stores are reputable, ethical, and above all, sex-positive. Which, now that I think of it, might be a problem for you.
I take issue with the first sentence of the petition. Adult fantasy store? Unless I can buy a gimp mask, a flogger and a dismembered replica of some random porn star’s genitalia and anus, I refuse to think of my neighborhood Walgreens as an adult fantasy store. Because let’s face it, if all they carry are vibrators, dildos and the like, they don’t qualify; when most people think of vibrators, etc., they probably don’t think “exotic fantasy”, but instead think “attainable reality.” And who’s to say that a sex toy isn’t a legitimate medical need? I know that when I go more than a day without an orgasm I come dangerously close to snapping, and in the case of the ladies of One Million Moms.Com, sexual frustration has obviously caused their heads to recede up their own asses, which is probably very dangerous. If they’re going to try and make the argument that a sex toy is not a medical need, I demand that they present their medical degrees to me in person so that I may tell them to their faces how full of shit they are.
They also state that “children are stumbling onto these sites by accident.” Seriously? Kids are stumbling onto drugstore websites? While I find this unlikely, I will play along and pretend that this is something that could be happening en masse. Let’s say, just for the hell of it, that Walgreens’ website is one or two letters away from a popular children’s website. I’m too lazy to make one up; please come up with something similar to “Walgreens” that would appeal to children as I’ve literally got nothing. So all of these fat-fingered children are making the same typographical error that leads them to one of three major chain drugstore websites. What I can’t pretend, however, is that said children are accidentally stumbling upon sex toys once they’re there. I would have assumed that when kids mistakenly find themselves at a website that holds little to no interest for them, they would just retype the web address until they get it right, but apparently a popular activity amongst children is to type the word “dildo” into any search box they encounter.
At this point I need to note that there is no language in the petition about removing these items from store shelves. Walgreens, Rite Aid and CVS do not carry adult products of this nature in their stores. And if they did, while I wouldn’t particularly care nor would I support a petition to remove them from the shelves – remember, commerce is voluntary, at least in the United States – I might think that the people behind this petition were less batshit insane than I do right now. My daughter is still a baby, but I imagine that at some point in the future Jill or I (hopefully Jill) will have to explain to her what a vibrator is, though I hope that this occurs after we see one in a movie, or even in a drug store, and not when she finds one of Jill’s many toys in her nightstand drawer, or in the shower, or perhaps on the sink in the master bedroom where it’s undergone post-usage cleaning but hasn’t yet been put away. But we’ll certainly have that discussion if and when it becomes necessary, because the alternative, advocated by One Million Moms.Com, is to make sex toys less available, and this isn’t something with which we are comfortable.
I could almost be okay with this petition if the motivation was different, i.e. if rather than trying to protect our children, they were trying to protect the old folks of the world, such as our parents and grandparents. Older people are much more likely than children to browse a drugstore website, don’t you think? I think that including sex toys on a retail website that my parents – or my grandparents, if I had any still alive – might browse poses a real risk. I take comfort in my relative certainty that if my Mom somehow stumbled upon a vibrator while looking for some sort of anti-inflammatory ointment, she would most certainly never bring this fact to my attention, but the truth is that my biggest nightmare is having to, for whatever reason and under whatever circumstances, view a sex toy that my parent or parents are also viewing. This one trumps all the traditional nightmares. Naked in public? No big deal, I’ve been there. Forgot to study for a test? Yes, frequently when I was in college. Maniac with razors on his fingers chasing me through a boiler room? Hasn’t everyone been through this? But if I’m walking past an adult store with my parents, and sex toys are visible, I don’t want to live anymore. There’d better not be a uniformed cop anywhere in the vicinity, because I’m grabbing something shiny and running toward him or her full-speed.
I was hoping to avoid ranting about personal responsibility when it comes to raising and communicating with one’s children, but it needs to be said: Parents who bitch about what their children see and do online need to do a better job monitoring their kids’ web surfing habits, or at the very least fostering a safe and open environment in which the child knows that communication is encouraged. It is your responsibility, and if you truly believe that your child glimpsing a vibrator, out of context on a retail website, is going to cause him or her irreparable damage and turn him or her into some sort of hairy-palmed, Hell-bound chronic masturbator, then the onus is on you to prevent him or her from looking, even though by doing so you are almost certainly causing more harm than good. Parenting means occasionally talking to your child and answering questions. You owe it not only to your child, but to the legions of consumers who would like to buy a sex toy from Walgreens, Rite Aid or CVS, and who would be impacted negatively by your refusal to take responsibility and be honest. It’s this attitude that is partially to blame for the backlash against marriage equality. Comedian Louis CK said it better than I ever could:

Like when you see someone stand up…on a talk show and say, like, “How am I supposed to explain to my child that two men are getting married?” I don’t know. It’s your shitty kid. You fucking tell him. Why is that anyone else’s problem? Two guys are in love but they can’t get married because you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for fucking five minutes?

The fact is, your children could stumble upon these sites. But they probably won’t. If your kid is deliberately going to Walgreens, Rite Aid, or CVS’s websites, I suggest you find out why. When I was a kid, nothing was more boring than a chain drugstore, even before they took out the ice cream counters. The toys were overpriced, and the magazines were out of date. Those were literally the only two sections of the drugstore that I found even slightly interesting. If your kids are deliberately going to one of these websites, it’s a safe bet that they are looking to buy over-the-counter drugs in bulk in order to sell them at school. What’s more, they are using your credit card to pay for them. But take comfort in the fact that your kids are probably just ordering the drugs and then going to another website; chances are they aren’t sparing a moment to look at sex toys. Alternately, I suppose they might be going to these websites in order to search specifically for dildos and vibrators, but if that’s the case Walgreens and the others are not to blame.
Note the final two lines of the petition:
NOTE: If you see a commercial or program which is offensive, email us the information. Many of you have done this, and it is very helpful.
While I am tempted to point out that someone who actively monitors the airwaves for something to get offended by is the worst sort of time-wasting parasite I can imagine, I would really just like to state that one may only exercise his or right to be offended as long as it doesn’t impact someone else’s rights, be it the right to sell sex toys, or the right to purchase them.
In the process of writing this entry, I actually went to Walgreens, Rite Aid, and CVS’s websites to confirm that they carry the “offending” products. Given these three chains’ mainstream, middle-of-the-road reputations, I expected to see a few back massagers of the sort that can be repurposed for intimate use. I typed “dildo” into Walgreens’ search box and six items came back! Granted, there were none of the traditional phallus-shaped latex, silicone rubber or Cyberskin dongs I am used to seeing in adult toy stores, and a couple of them were battery-operated, i.e. vibrators. One item, the Tantus Alumina Pace, was a very nice looking butt plug that is, according to the website, equally suitable for vaginal use. I read the following under the product description: “Putting Pace in a cup of hot water before playing is an amazing sensual surprise.” When was the last time you got advice like this from a drugstore? Thank you, Walgreens!
All told, Walgreens’ website features, in addition to the aforementioned six dildos, 327 vibrators (!), eighty-four massagers, and four “intimate massagers”. Searches for “erotic massagers” as well as butt plugs returned no results. CVS, on the other hand, features six vibrators, fifty-four massagers, one “erotic massager” and eleven “intimate massagers”. Again, no butt plugs, and a search for “dildo” returned no results but they did ask if I was trying to type “did.” Rite Aid, on the other hand, was a total boner-killer. Searches for dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, massagers, intimate massagers, and erotic massagers all returned zero results. Just to make sure their website was working correctly, I typed in “Ibuprofen” and got two results. I wonder if they never carried these items, and One Million Moms.Com went off half-cocked and assumed they did after seeing sex toys at the other two sites; or if they carried them and, bowing to pressure from terrified Middle American soccer moms, stopped.
After doing some browsing, I found that both Walgreens and CVS carry a variety of items from adult manufacturer Lelo. I considered ordering myself a Lelo Bo, but decided I’d be better off getting it from one of the reputable, ethical and sex-positive companies I mentioned earlier.
-Jack

Flash Fiction Friday: Post-Coital Musings of an Art Aficionado

jackandjillcpl8 Comments
Posted in Art Snobbery Flash Fiction Friday Picasso written by Jack

Vivianne is curvy and sensual, with the grace of a Botticelli goddess. Despite her insistence on kinky sex, she is the least chaotic person I know. She’s the kind of person who could settle agitated, churning waters with a gaze. Right now she sleeps peacefully beside me, her form a beautiful still life painted upon Egyptian cotton. Her perfect breasts rise and fall, an enigmatic smile threatening to upturn her lips. When I first saw her I felt like Bacchus beholding Ariadne. I want to put her in a frame and hang her on my wall.
Someone’s here. Her husband! His first punch turns my face into a Picasso.
-Jack
Though the 208-word limit imposed last week was difficult, I found this week’s 112-word cap much easier. And although I checked out this week’s prompt on Monday, I really didn’t think about it too much until Thursday afternoon, at which point I wrote my extremely short story in just under an hour. After last week, I had a better idea of how fast the words add up, and a sense of how many lines 112 words should be. My first draft exceeded the limit but I compromised on some word choices, and deleted a couple extraneous passages. The photo prompt, featuring a woman kneeling behind a picture frame (seen above) initially had me at a loss, but I decided to write from the perspective of an art lover who is so captivated by a woman’s beauty that he wishes to frame and display her in his home.
I’d like to take advantage of this space to note the various art references in my story. The narrator’s comparison of Vivianne to “a Botticelli goddess” refers to The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli. Mention of Vivianne’s “enigmatic smile” is a subtle reference to the Mona Lisa. Mention of Bacchus and Ariadne refers to the Greek god Dionysus, who beheld the princess Ariadne on the island of Naxos and wedded her, though the narrator is likely considering Bacchus and Ariadne by Titian. And of course, the darkly comic closing line refers to the influential Spanish cubist Pablo Picasso.
Additionally, I attempted to post the prompt photo in high-resolution, but it was apparently too wide and Blogger truncated the right-hand edge. Should you care to see a larger version of the image, or for that matter if you’d like to take part in Flash Fiction Friday, head over to Erotic Flash Fiction.

HNT: Invitation

jackandjillcpl14 Comments
Posted in Boots HNT hot photo of Jill written by Jill
After a Post-It®-related detour last week, the boots are back! Be sure to visit Osbasso and see who else HNTed this week. Then stop by OHNT and see a more revealing shot from this photo shoot!
-Jill

You Say “Mind Blowing” As Though It’s a Good Thing

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Posted in Amnesia Huffington Post Possible Bullshit Valsalva Maneuver written by Jack
Mind-Blowing Sex? Amnesia Could Be Caused By Sex, New Report Suggests
A 54-year-old woman must have had the best sex ever.
In fact, doctors at George Washington University hospital believe it resulted in short-term global amnesia. LiveScience states that the case, reported in the September issue of The Journal of Emergency Medicine, actually isn’t unheard of, though global amnesia is incredibly rare.
However, it seems scientists don’t know if sex truly is at the root of the condition, but it may be an uncomfortable position that is really causing all the fuss.
From The Daily:
Her memory got hazy, she said, just after sex with her husband. Researchers know very little about transient global amnesia and they can only guess at its causes, one of which they suspect is sex. Their best guess is that the amnesia is triggered by Valsalva maneuver, which causes oxygen-poor blood to gather in the neck.
Thankfully, the condition only affects 3 to 5 people per 100,000 each year, according to LiveScience. The scary thing, however, is that scientists have no idea how people seem to remain awake and active while large chunks of memory go missing.
This type of amnesia seems to differ greatly from traumatically induced amnesia, and effects seem to disappear after a few hours. However, this short-term condition also seems much different from dissociative amnesia, a mental condition that erases large periods of time and is often caused by traumatic events, according to WebMD.
This short-term amnesia seems to be in a class of its own.
LiveScience explains more about the Valsalva manuever:
This is called the “Valsalva maneuver,” familiar as the “bearing down” people might do when lifting weights, defecating or even having sex. The increased pressure increases the resistance to blood flowing down the jugular veins, and insufficient valves may allow deoxygenated blood to push back up the neck. Oxygen-poor blood then “piles up” in the veins draining the brain, especially in central brain regions that are key to memory formation. The result could be transient amnesia.
My own lack of knowledge about human biology notwithstanding, this seems like a scientifically sound hypothesis. According to Wikipedia, the aforementioned Valsalva Maneuver results from “moderately forceful attempted exhalation against a closed airway, usually done by closing one’s mouth and pinching one’s nose shut.” The Wikipedia article does not specifically mention short-term memory loss, though it is noted that divers who perform this maneuver at the end of a dive as opposed to during ascent can suffer severe neurological damage.
Despite the fact that, if true, this would give many of us a much cooler excuse for forgetting our responsibilities than “Sorry, I was busy with my Fantasy Football team”, as stated in the article it seems like an uncomfortable position is more to blame for the memory-loss than the sex itself. While sex does frequently involve uncomfortable positions and the sort of erratic breathing that might lead to loss of consciousness, I’d have to guess that a claustrophobic person wedged into a cramped spot and forced to maintain an uncomfortable position for a prolonged period of time would be just as likely to experience short-term memory loss as someone enjoying mind-blowing sex.
Jill has experienced a variety of unusual physiological reactions during and after extremely intense sexual activity, including but not limited to ejaculation, crying, and light-headedness. She has thusfar never experienced short-term memory loss. If this changes, I will certainly re-evaluate the situation and probably reconsider my position, as if she does suffer post-sex amnesia it would most certainly be caused by the sex, and not by an uncomfortable position.

TMI Tuesday: Have and Have Not

jackandjillcpl7 Comments
Posted in Funny TMI Tuesday Written by Both
This week’s TMI Tuesday was inspired by An Optimistic Virgin. Read her Have and Have Not for inspiration and HAVE FUN creating yours.
Jack’s Answers
List five (5) things you have done that other people probably have not done.
1. I’ve had three orgasms in about fifteen minutes. I have no doubt that some women have done this, but I bet not a lot of guys have. I experienced this on Sunday night, though it was by no means the first time. I know that I’m not as young as I used to be, but some night when we don’t have to worry about getting up early or being interrupted by a crying baby, I’d like to see if I can keep the pace for a full hour, i.e. twelve orgasms in sixty minutes. I bet I could, especially if Jill was the one coaxing them out of me, though I’m curious as to changes in volume over the course of the hour.
2. I once had an open warrant for my arrest for about sixteen months without knowing about it. I’m not a career criminal or anything; this occurred when I was younger and shall we say much less judicious about the sort of folks with whom I associated. I’d participated in a certain indiscretion and explained my involvement to the police upon request but due to a miscommunication I thought they’d gotten what they needed from me. Turns out they hadn’t, and when I found out that I was wanted – holy crap, wanted? Doesn’t that make me sound like a badass outlaw or something? – I immediately cleared the matter up. The scariest thing about it was that, the entire time that this warrant was out, had I been pulled over for a traffic violation they would have run my driver’s license and immediately arrested me.
3. I kissed the Blarney Stone.
4. After experiencing extreme disillusionment sitting in a cubicle, I started my own business almost a decade ago. Today the fact that I am strictly management means that I can afford to spend my days raising my daughter, though the fact that I remember what it was like before I was management means that I never fail to let my employees know that they are appreciated.
5. I once rode a mule down the Grand Canyon. In my early twenties I would road trip to Lake Havasu for Spring Break, and one year a friend and I decided to take a mule ride. Though a fun once-in-a-lifetime experience, once we were on our mules it was clear that neither of us had any idea how steep the trail would be. Or, for that matter, just how long the ride was going to be. It was interminably long, the weather was hotter than we were prepared for, and by the time we got to the end of the ride (we only went as far as Plateau Point), we really wished a helicopter would swoop down from the sky, extend a rope ladder, and carry us the hell out of there, mules be damned. When it was over, and we were both chugging beers on a party boat back at the lake, we acknowledged that we were glad we did it.
List five (5) things you have not done that other people probably have done.
1. I’ve never crank called anyone. While I understand that, in the ’80s when I came of age, this sort of thing was for some a mischievous childhood rite of passage, much like toilet-papering or egging someone’s house, I never partook in this annoying but probably harmless activity. I’m guessing that my reluctance to do this stems from the fact that, during my childhood, my family was the subject of frequent crank calls, and I guess that while I was willing to do things of which my parents would not approve, annoying random strangers was not one of them. Additionally, I was always convinced that the first number I crank-called would have a trace attached for the purpose of locating a kidnapped child, and that I would be hauled off to juvie without benefit of trial. Here I must acknowledge that crank calling has almost certainly diminished in frequency over the last fifteen to twenty years as Caller I.D. has gone from being a novelty to a universal concept. But I include this have-not with the understanding that I am comparing myself with the rest of my generation, and not the current crop of young people for whom Star-69 is probably meaningless.
2. I’ve never smoked a cigarette. Both of my parents smoked when I was a kid, and I always found it gross. While on many occasions during my formative years I gave in to peer pressure, did things that I knew I shouldn’t, and otherwise demonstrated questionable judgment and decision-making skills, I knew that smoking after years of giving my parents shit for it would make me a hyporcite, and I always resisted the temptation. Because, you know, an activity that stinks up your body and your clothes, wrinkles your skin, and leads to a variety of terminal illnesses is seriously tempting.
3. I haven’t seen more than one or two episodes of Lost, a series that about 75% of my friends not only watched, but also took for granted that I watched as well. Between 2004 and 2010 the number of times I had to deflect requests to discuss the latest episode by explaining that I don’t watch it (usually including the specific phrase, “No, I didn’t watch The X-Files either”) probably amounted to a hundred or more. It’s an easy assumption to make; it was a very popular show that appealed specifically to my demographic: Geeks in their late twenties/early thirties. But apparently so ridiculous was the notion that I didn’t count myself amongst the Lostaways that I had to explain it to the same person several times during the series’ run.
4. I never played high school sports. To this day, I have no idea why this is.
5. I have not owned or regularly used an Apple product in seven years. I’ve owned a couple Apple computers, including a Macintosh Powerbook laptop in 1993 and a Macintosh Performa desktop in 1994. Of these, the only one that met my expectations for functionality was the Powerbook. When the Performa crashed, I made the switch to PC and although I understand that the Apple brand is much more popular today than it was then, I haven’t looked back. A couple years after the iPod was introduced, I wanted an easy way of listening to my impressive digital music collection on the go, so I bought one. Like the Performa, it didn’t live up to my expectations; it couldn’t hold a battery charge long enough to transfer my music, and took more than a day or two to fully re-charge. I assume based on the iPod’s market share compared to other digital music players that most people who own one enjoy it, but I’ve jumped ship to a competing brand.
Bonus: What is the oddest thing that you’ve ever seen?
Some sort of specimen in a jar that my high school biology teacher kept displayed on a shelf in the back of his classroom. No one had a clue as to what it was, though the general consensus amongst much of the class was that it was the penis of some kind of animal. In retrospect I doubt that this is in fact what the specimen was, though I’m at a loss to offer an alternate guess. It seemed like some manner of medical curiosity that one might see at a carnival sideshow in the days of yore.
Bonus, Bonus: What is the oddest, kinkiest, or craziest thing you have ever done?
Oddest: When I was probably nine or ten years old, I used to flail my right arm out to my side as I walked. This wasn’t some sort of nervous tic; this was a voluntary behavior. I’m not actually sure why I did this, but I remember it occurring with regularity for probably the better part of a year until I realized that to most people I probably looked like an idiot, not unlike John Cleese in that Monty Python “Ministry of Funny Walks” sketch, but less funny.
Kinkiest: I don’t know how I can answer this. I’ve done relatively kinky things, but I don’t know that anything I’ve ever done is much kinkier than anything else, certainly not enough to be singled out as the kinkiest. I could list some of the kinkier things I’ve done, but I’m sure most have been mentioned and/or described elsewhere in this blog. Hell, how about Porn and Pizza? I’ll go with that.
Craziest: I once smuggled something across the Mexican border into the U.S. Nothing too outrageous, just more alcohol than an individual is allowed to carry. Again, this was in my younger and more reckless days (pre-9/11), when repercussions were the sort of thing you worried about after the fact, if you worried about them at all. If I was caught, I don’t know that I would have been arrested – I might have – but I’m sure I would have been fined at the least. At any rate, it didn’t matter because they accepted my “nothing to declare” with a wave-through, and my friends and I spent the next couple days wasted.
Jill’s Answers
List five (5) things you have done that other people probably have not done.
1. I drank melting ice atop Mendenhall Glacier, a twelve-mile-long block of ice located near Juneau, Alaska. It was the freshest water I have ever tasted, and I’d like to return someday before the glacier is gone, if only so I can taste it again.
2. When I was in my twenties I had sex on a play structure at a local park. It was after dark, the park was pretty much deserted, and there was probably very little chance of being seen by someone passing by, but if the police had noticed us and decided to come see what we, two adults, were doing atop a play structure, we might have been in trouble. Fortunately, we didn’t get caught and the risk we were taking made this an experience I will never forget. This isn’t the only time that I have ever had sex in public, but it is probably the only time that I had sex in an area intended primarily for children, unless you count the time that I did it at a Toys ‘R’ Us.
3. I saw Sha Na Na in concert. It depresses me to think that most of the people who read this probably have no idea what Sha Na Na is.
4. I have visited Disneyland at least once a year for more than two decades.
5. For fifty-two consecutive weeks in 2010, Jack and I submitted photos to The Other Half-Nekkid Thursday. This is more my thing than Jack’s, since the pictures were of me and not him. It was exciting to bare my body and my soul, and the positive, sometimes very enthusiastic comments people left make me proud to visit the site and look at myself.
List five (5) things you have not done that other people probably have done.
1. I’ve always wanted to go to New York, but I never have. I’ve traveled the world extensively, especially throughout Europe, but the one place I want to go more than any other is New York. A few years ago Jack went to the East Coast to follow AC/DC on tour, and because of my work schedule I couldn’t join him. Plus it was a guy’s trip and I wasn’t invited anyway. While I envied him for all the fun he was having, I wished I could have flown out to meet him at least while he was in New York. Now we are parents, and traveling is more difficult. But it’s on my bucket list.
2. I’ve never broken a bone. Maybe this is less common today, when kids are encouraged to stay inside and watch TV or play video games, but when I was a kid I was very active, constantly getting into the sort of scrapes that children were expected to. Today I am a teacher, and if a student comes into class with the amount of cuts and bruises that I had all the time, I am supposed to discretely ask the child how he or she got them.
3. I’ve never lived in more than one state. Despite my travels, I have always been a California girl, and I’m not sure that this will ever change, nor that I would want it to. Despite the fact that the cost of living here is astronomical, California is my home.
4. I’ve been working since age sixteen and have probably held twenty-five different jobs. While I’ve left jobs for a variety of reasons, it was always my choice to do so. I have never been fired.
5. I’ve never enjoyed sushi. I’ve eaten it on many different occasions, usually when invited out with friends or a mixed group of people, and I’ve just never liked it. I know it’s not the sushi, as I’ve eaten it at higher-end restaurants and bars, not just crappy low-class places where the staff don’t use quality ingredients or wash their hands. Literally every time I’ve eaten sushi I’ve been sick afterwards.
Bonus: What is the oddest thing that you’ve ever seen?
In the area where Jack and I currently live, which includes the city where I grew up, there is a woman who wanders the streets wearing only a T-shirt that barely reaches her ass, and a pair of hospital booties. Now, I know that this probably sounds incredibly sexy to many of you, especially given the fact that this is literally all she wears (no panties), but it’s unfortunately not as hot as you may be thinking. She’s been a familiar sight for probably ten years or more, and the fact that she lives on the street has obviously taken its toll on her. I assume that she’s been picked up for indecent exposure (as well as for psychiatric evaluation), but for whatever reason when she is released she immediately goes back to wearing her usual outfit.
Bonus, Bonus: What is the oddest, kinkiest, or craziest thing you have ever done?
Oddest: This is going to sound like a cop-out, but I can’t think of anything odd. I wish I had something to share, especially after reading Jack’s weird childhood quirk. But I wouldn’t want to share anything that weird. It sounds like someone had a touch of OCD.
Kinkiest: Masturbating for the viewing pleasure of our friends.
Craziest: The play structure incident described above, as well as the manual-masturbation-on-a-plane incident. As I get older, I still appreciate the thrill of inadvertent (or deliberate) exhibitionism, though now that I am a parent it seems much riskier.

Multiple Personalities: Two Tweeting Twits

jackandjillcpl3 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized

After swearing for years that we would never Tweet, Jill and I started a Twitter account while this blog was on hiatus. The way we saw it, we needed some sort of outlet with which to talk about sex. It’s one of our favorite topics. We weren’t blogging and we really had no intention of resuming. Talking about sex-related topics on Facebook was out of the question, as way too many of our family, friends and co-workers would be privy to whatever pervy thoughts we share there. While in theory this doesn’t really bother us, we’re guessing that most, if not all, of these people have no interest in what position resulted in Jill having an explosive G-spot orgasm (piledriver), what female foreign head-of-state I fantasized about while masturbating (Golda Meir), whose house we had sex in when we came by to feed their pets while they were on vacation (Jim and Tammy’s), and which sex toy we’re thinking of ordering (the We-Vibe 2). While we do have a pretty close cadre of personal friends with whom sex chat is not only tolerated but appreciated, we’re not as close to some as we once were (though to others, we’re much closer). Therefore starting a joint Twitter account made sense; it was a relatively effortless means of anonymously conveying info about our sex life – and for that matter, our sex lives, because while we don’t have an open relationship, there are sexual aspects of our lives that are separate – requiring much less of a time commitment than our blog did. We found ourselves dropping the occasional Tweet in the beginning when we had something interesting to share, but it took awhile to connect with other users. Now, though, I’d say we’re doing pretty well with it, and we Tweet on a fairly regular basis.

Because we have both been Tweeting from the same account – though I much more than Jill – we realized that it might be confusing for our followers to try and figure out which of us wrote any given Tweet. Like our blog entries, some of the things we Tweet could have been written by both of us together (“Dinner and drinks followed by naked hot tub time!”*), while with other Tweets it’s obvious which of us wrote them (“I love it when Jack fucks me from behind.”*). However, sometimes the identity of the writer is unclear, and a parenthetical indication of the writer could be included to clarify (“I just came three times in rapid succession. [Jack]”*). Other times, a parenthetical is desperately needed so as to make damn sure our followers know which of us wrote a certain Tweet – though hopefully people understand that the only one of us who might Tweet “I love sucking cock!”* is Jill. However, given the 140-character limitation imposed by Twitter, it can be difficult to compose a coherent sentence, much less add technically superfluous details. (As a writer and a one-time English major who hates seeing our language manhandled on a daily basis, everytime I am forced to condense an admittedly long-winded but grammatically-correct and perfectly-spelled thought into a series of truncated words for the purpose of Tweeting, I feel like a wide-eyed newborn puppy is run over and killed. But I digress.

Last weekend we decided to start a separate Twitter account for Jill. While having separate accounts will enable us to more efficiently express ourselves sexually without confusing anyone, we’re really just looking forward to sending each other filthy Tweets via our phone while sitting right next to each other on the couch. We could text each other, or God forbid actually speak our thoughts aloud, but then we’re the only ones who’ll get turned on by them, and obviously a little interaction with our followers as a result of some online dirty talk can only lead to good things as far as we’re concerned. If you follow @jackandjillcpl on Twitter, or even if you just enjoy reading what we’ve posted here, check out @jillandjackcpl too. There’s not much there yet, but that’ll change, and it might be fun to read our possibly-different perceptions of the same event, a sort of Twitter version of Rashomon.

We’ve added a second Twitter widget to the right-hand side of our blog that will display Jill’s recent Tweets below mine. (Sometimes I like being on top.) But if you want to get the whole story, give her a follow. You’ll be glad you did. So remember: Jack is @jackandjillcpl, while Jill is @jillandjackcpl. If you forget, the first four letters of each Twitter handle explicitly state which of us is primarily associated with the account and any associated Tweets.

*Not an actual Tweet of ours.

-Jack