Flash Fiction Friday: Post-Coital Musings of an Art Aficionado

jackandjillcpl8 Comments
Posted in Art Snobbery Flash Fiction Friday Picasso written by Jack

Vivianne is curvy and sensual, with the grace of a Botticelli goddess. Despite her insistence on kinky sex, she is the least chaotic person I know. She’s the kind of person who could settle agitated, churning waters with a gaze. Right now she sleeps peacefully beside me, her form a beautiful still life painted upon Egyptian cotton. Her perfect breasts rise and fall, an enigmatic smile threatening to upturn her lips. When I first saw her I felt like Bacchus beholding Ariadne. I want to put her in a frame and hang her on my wall.
Someone’s here. Her husband! His first punch turns my face into a Picasso.
-Jack
Though the 208-word limit imposed last week was difficult, I found this week’s 112-word cap much easier. And although I checked out this week’s prompt on Monday, I really didn’t think about it too much until Thursday afternoon, at which point I wrote my extremely short story in just under an hour. After last week, I had a better idea of how fast the words add up, and a sense of how many lines 112 words should be. My first draft exceeded the limit but I compromised on some word choices, and deleted a couple extraneous passages. The photo prompt, featuring a woman kneeling behind a picture frame (seen above) initially had me at a loss, but I decided to write from the perspective of an art lover who is so captivated by a woman’s beauty that he wishes to frame and display her in his home.
I’d like to take advantage of this space to note the various art references in my story. The narrator’s comparison of Vivianne to “a Botticelli goddess” refers to The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli. Mention of Vivianne’s “enigmatic smile” is a subtle reference to the Mona Lisa. Mention of Bacchus and Ariadne refers to the Greek god Dionysus, who beheld the princess Ariadne on the island of Naxos and wedded her, though the narrator is likely considering Bacchus and Ariadne by Titian. And of course, the darkly comic closing line refers to the influential Spanish cubist Pablo Picasso.
Additionally, I attempted to post the prompt photo in high-resolution, but it was apparently too wide and Blogger truncated the right-hand edge. Should you care to see a larger version of the image, or for that matter if you’d like to take part in Flash Fiction Friday, head over to Erotic Flash Fiction.

HNT: Invitation

jackandjillcpl14 Comments
Posted in Boots HNT hot photo of Jill written by Jill
After a Post-It®-related detour last week, the boots are back! Be sure to visit Osbasso and see who else HNTed this week. Then stop by OHNT and see a more revealing shot from this photo shoot!
-Jill

You Say “Mind Blowing” As Though It’s a Good Thing

jackandjillcpl4 Comments
Posted in Amnesia Huffington Post Possible Bullshit Valsalva Maneuver written by Jack
Mind-Blowing Sex? Amnesia Could Be Caused By Sex, New Report Suggests
A 54-year-old woman must have had the best sex ever.
In fact, doctors at George Washington University hospital believe it resulted in short-term global amnesia. LiveScience states that the case, reported in the September issue of The Journal of Emergency Medicine, actually isn’t unheard of, though global amnesia is incredibly rare.
However, it seems scientists don’t know if sex truly is at the root of the condition, but it may be an uncomfortable position that is really causing all the fuss.
From The Daily:
Her memory got hazy, she said, just after sex with her husband. Researchers know very little about transient global amnesia and they can only guess at its causes, one of which they suspect is sex. Their best guess is that the amnesia is triggered by Valsalva maneuver, which causes oxygen-poor blood to gather in the neck.
Thankfully, the condition only affects 3 to 5 people per 100,000 each year, according to LiveScience. The scary thing, however, is that scientists have no idea how people seem to remain awake and active while large chunks of memory go missing.
This type of amnesia seems to differ greatly from traumatically induced amnesia, and effects seem to disappear after a few hours. However, this short-term condition also seems much different from dissociative amnesia, a mental condition that erases large periods of time and is often caused by traumatic events, according to WebMD.
This short-term amnesia seems to be in a class of its own.
LiveScience explains more about the Valsalva manuever:
This is called the “Valsalva maneuver,” familiar as the “bearing down” people might do when lifting weights, defecating or even having sex. The increased pressure increases the resistance to blood flowing down the jugular veins, and insufficient valves may allow deoxygenated blood to push back up the neck. Oxygen-poor blood then “piles up” in the veins draining the brain, especially in central brain regions that are key to memory formation. The result could be transient amnesia.
My own lack of knowledge about human biology notwithstanding, this seems like a scientifically sound hypothesis. According to Wikipedia, the aforementioned Valsalva Maneuver results from “moderately forceful attempted exhalation against a closed airway, usually done by closing one’s mouth and pinching one’s nose shut.” The Wikipedia article does not specifically mention short-term memory loss, though it is noted that divers who perform this maneuver at the end of a dive as opposed to during ascent can suffer severe neurological damage.
Despite the fact that, if true, this would give many of us a much cooler excuse for forgetting our responsibilities than “Sorry, I was busy with my Fantasy Football team”, as stated in the article it seems like an uncomfortable position is more to blame for the memory-loss than the sex itself. While sex does frequently involve uncomfortable positions and the sort of erratic breathing that might lead to loss of consciousness, I’d have to guess that a claustrophobic person wedged into a cramped spot and forced to maintain an uncomfortable position for a prolonged period of time would be just as likely to experience short-term memory loss as someone enjoying mind-blowing sex.
Jill has experienced a variety of unusual physiological reactions during and after extremely intense sexual activity, including but not limited to ejaculation, crying, and light-headedness. She has thusfar never experienced short-term memory loss. If this changes, I will certainly re-evaluate the situation and probably reconsider my position, as if she does suffer post-sex amnesia it would most certainly be caused by the sex, and not by an uncomfortable position.

TMI Tuesday: Have and Have Not

jackandjillcpl7 Comments
Posted in Funny TMI Tuesday Written by Both
This week’s TMI Tuesday was inspired by An Optimistic Virgin. Read her Have and Have Not for inspiration and HAVE FUN creating yours.
Jack’s Answers
List five (5) things you have done that other people probably have not done.
1. I’ve had three orgasms in about fifteen minutes. I have no doubt that some women have done this, but I bet not a lot of guys have. I experienced this on Sunday night, though it was by no means the first time. I know that I’m not as young as I used to be, but some night when we don’t have to worry about getting up early or being interrupted by a crying baby, I’d like to see if I can keep the pace for a full hour, i.e. twelve orgasms in sixty minutes. I bet I could, especially if Jill was the one coaxing them out of me, though I’m curious as to changes in volume over the course of the hour.
2. I once had an open warrant for my arrest for about sixteen months without knowing about it. I’m not a career criminal or anything; this occurred when I was younger and shall we say much less judicious about the sort of folks with whom I associated. I’d participated in a certain indiscretion and explained my involvement to the police upon request but due to a miscommunication I thought they’d gotten what they needed from me. Turns out they hadn’t, and when I found out that I was wanted – holy crap, wanted? Doesn’t that make me sound like a badass outlaw or something? – I immediately cleared the matter up. The scariest thing about it was that, the entire time that this warrant was out, had I been pulled over for a traffic violation they would have run my driver’s license and immediately arrested me.
3. I kissed the Blarney Stone.
4. After experiencing extreme disillusionment sitting in a cubicle, I started my own business almost a decade ago. Today the fact that I am strictly management means that I can afford to spend my days raising my daughter, though the fact that I remember what it was like before I was management means that I never fail to let my employees know that they are appreciated.
5. I once rode a mule down the Grand Canyon. In my early twenties I would road trip to Lake Havasu for Spring Break, and one year a friend and I decided to take a mule ride. Though a fun once-in-a-lifetime experience, once we were on our mules it was clear that neither of us had any idea how steep the trail would be. Or, for that matter, just how long the ride was going to be. It was interminably long, the weather was hotter than we were prepared for, and by the time we got to the end of the ride (we only went as far as Plateau Point), we really wished a helicopter would swoop down from the sky, extend a rope ladder, and carry us the hell out of there, mules be damned. When it was over, and we were both chugging beers on a party boat back at the lake, we acknowledged that we were glad we did it.
List five (5) things you have not done that other people probably have done.
1. I’ve never crank called anyone. While I understand that, in the ’80s when I came of age, this sort of thing was for some a mischievous childhood rite of passage, much like toilet-papering or egging someone’s house, I never partook in this annoying but probably harmless activity. I’m guessing that my reluctance to do this stems from the fact that, during my childhood, my family was the subject of frequent crank calls, and I guess that while I was willing to do things of which my parents would not approve, annoying random strangers was not one of them. Additionally, I was always convinced that the first number I crank-called would have a trace attached for the purpose of locating a kidnapped child, and that I would be hauled off to juvie without benefit of trial. Here I must acknowledge that crank calling has almost certainly diminished in frequency over the last fifteen to twenty years as Caller I.D. has gone from being a novelty to a universal concept. But I include this have-not with the understanding that I am comparing myself with the rest of my generation, and not the current crop of young people for whom Star-69 is probably meaningless.
2. I’ve never smoked a cigarette. Both of my parents smoked when I was a kid, and I always found it gross. While on many occasions during my formative years I gave in to peer pressure, did things that I knew I shouldn’t, and otherwise demonstrated questionable judgment and decision-making skills, I knew that smoking after years of giving my parents shit for it would make me a hyporcite, and I always resisted the temptation. Because, you know, an activity that stinks up your body and your clothes, wrinkles your skin, and leads to a variety of terminal illnesses is seriously tempting.
3. I haven’t seen more than one or two episodes of Lost, a series that about 75% of my friends not only watched, but also took for granted that I watched as well. Between 2004 and 2010 the number of times I had to deflect requests to discuss the latest episode by explaining that I don’t watch it (usually including the specific phrase, “No, I didn’t watch The X-Files either”) probably amounted to a hundred or more. It’s an easy assumption to make; it was a very popular show that appealed specifically to my demographic: Geeks in their late twenties/early thirties. But apparently so ridiculous was the notion that I didn’t count myself amongst the Lostaways that I had to explain it to the same person several times during the series’ run.
4. I never played high school sports. To this day, I have no idea why this is.
5. I have not owned or regularly used an Apple product in seven years. I’ve owned a couple Apple computers, including a Macintosh Powerbook laptop in 1993 and a Macintosh Performa desktop in 1994. Of these, the only one that met my expectations for functionality was the Powerbook. When the Performa crashed, I made the switch to PC and although I understand that the Apple brand is much more popular today than it was then, I haven’t looked back. A couple years after the iPod was introduced, I wanted an easy way of listening to my impressive digital music collection on the go, so I bought one. Like the Performa, it didn’t live up to my expectations; it couldn’t hold a battery charge long enough to transfer my music, and took more than a day or two to fully re-charge. I assume based on the iPod’s market share compared to other digital music players that most people who own one enjoy it, but I’ve jumped ship to a competing brand.
Bonus: What is the oddest thing that you’ve ever seen?
Some sort of specimen in a jar that my high school biology teacher kept displayed on a shelf in the back of his classroom. No one had a clue as to what it was, though the general consensus amongst much of the class was that it was the penis of some kind of animal. In retrospect I doubt that this is in fact what the specimen was, though I’m at a loss to offer an alternate guess. It seemed like some manner of medical curiosity that one might see at a carnival sideshow in the days of yore.
Bonus, Bonus: What is the oddest, kinkiest, or craziest thing you have ever done?
Oddest: When I was probably nine or ten years old, I used to flail my right arm out to my side as I walked. This wasn’t some sort of nervous tic; this was a voluntary behavior. I’m not actually sure why I did this, but I remember it occurring with regularity for probably the better part of a year until I realized that to most people I probably looked like an idiot, not unlike John Cleese in that Monty Python “Ministry of Funny Walks” sketch, but less funny.
Kinkiest: I don’t know how I can answer this. I’ve done relatively kinky things, but I don’t know that anything I’ve ever done is much kinkier than anything else, certainly not enough to be singled out as the kinkiest. I could list some of the kinkier things I’ve done, but I’m sure most have been mentioned and/or described elsewhere in this blog. Hell, how about Porn and Pizza? I’ll go with that.
Craziest: I once smuggled something across the Mexican border into the U.S. Nothing too outrageous, just more alcohol than an individual is allowed to carry. Again, this was in my younger and more reckless days (pre-9/11), when repercussions were the sort of thing you worried about after the fact, if you worried about them at all. If I was caught, I don’t know that I would have been arrested – I might have – but I’m sure I would have been fined at the least. At any rate, it didn’t matter because they accepted my “nothing to declare” with a wave-through, and my friends and I spent the next couple days wasted.
Jill’s Answers
List five (5) things you have done that other people probably have not done.
1. I drank melting ice atop Mendenhall Glacier, a twelve-mile-long block of ice located near Juneau, Alaska. It was the freshest water I have ever tasted, and I’d like to return someday before the glacier is gone, if only so I can taste it again.
2. When I was in my twenties I had sex on a play structure at a local park. It was after dark, the park was pretty much deserted, and there was probably very little chance of being seen by someone passing by, but if the police had noticed us and decided to come see what we, two adults, were doing atop a play structure, we might have been in trouble. Fortunately, we didn’t get caught and the risk we were taking made this an experience I will never forget. This isn’t the only time that I have ever had sex in public, but it is probably the only time that I had sex in an area intended primarily for children, unless you count the time that I did it at a Toys ‘R’ Us.
3. I saw Sha Na Na in concert. It depresses me to think that most of the people who read this probably have no idea what Sha Na Na is.
4. I have visited Disneyland at least once a year for more than two decades.
5. For fifty-two consecutive weeks in 2010, Jack and I submitted photos to The Other Half-Nekkid Thursday. This is more my thing than Jack’s, since the pictures were of me and not him. It was exciting to bare my body and my soul, and the positive, sometimes very enthusiastic comments people left make me proud to visit the site and look at myself.
List five (5) things you have not done that other people probably have done.
1. I’ve always wanted to go to New York, but I never have. I’ve traveled the world extensively, especially throughout Europe, but the one place I want to go more than any other is New York. A few years ago Jack went to the East Coast to follow AC/DC on tour, and because of my work schedule I couldn’t join him. Plus it was a guy’s trip and I wasn’t invited anyway. While I envied him for all the fun he was having, I wished I could have flown out to meet him at least while he was in New York. Now we are parents, and traveling is more difficult. But it’s on my bucket list.
2. I’ve never broken a bone. Maybe this is less common today, when kids are encouraged to stay inside and watch TV or play video games, but when I was a kid I was very active, constantly getting into the sort of scrapes that children were expected to. Today I am a teacher, and if a student comes into class with the amount of cuts and bruises that I had all the time, I am supposed to discretely ask the child how he or she got them.
3. I’ve never lived in more than one state. Despite my travels, I have always been a California girl, and I’m not sure that this will ever change, nor that I would want it to. Despite the fact that the cost of living here is astronomical, California is my home.
4. I’ve been working since age sixteen and have probably held twenty-five different jobs. While I’ve left jobs for a variety of reasons, it was always my choice to do so. I have never been fired.
5. I’ve never enjoyed sushi. I’ve eaten it on many different occasions, usually when invited out with friends or a mixed group of people, and I’ve just never liked it. I know it’s not the sushi, as I’ve eaten it at higher-end restaurants and bars, not just crappy low-class places where the staff don’t use quality ingredients or wash their hands. Literally every time I’ve eaten sushi I’ve been sick afterwards.
Bonus: What is the oddest thing that you’ve ever seen?
In the area where Jack and I currently live, which includes the city where I grew up, there is a woman who wanders the streets wearing only a T-shirt that barely reaches her ass, and a pair of hospital booties. Now, I know that this probably sounds incredibly sexy to many of you, especially given the fact that this is literally all she wears (no panties), but it’s unfortunately not as hot as you may be thinking. She’s been a familiar sight for probably ten years or more, and the fact that she lives on the street has obviously taken its toll on her. I assume that she’s been picked up for indecent exposure (as well as for psychiatric evaluation), but for whatever reason when she is released she immediately goes back to wearing her usual outfit.
Bonus, Bonus: What is the oddest, kinkiest, or craziest thing you have ever done?
Oddest: This is going to sound like a cop-out, but I can’t think of anything odd. I wish I had something to share, especially after reading Jack’s weird childhood quirk. But I wouldn’t want to share anything that weird. It sounds like someone had a touch of OCD.
Kinkiest: Masturbating for the viewing pleasure of our friends.
Craziest: The play structure incident described above, as well as the manual-masturbation-on-a-plane incident. As I get older, I still appreciate the thrill of inadvertent (or deliberate) exhibitionism, though now that I am a parent it seems much riskier.

Multiple Personalities: Two Tweeting Twits

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Posted in Uncategorized

After swearing for years that we would never Tweet, Jill and I started a Twitter account while this blog was on hiatus. The way we saw it, we needed some sort of outlet with which to talk about sex. It’s one of our favorite topics. We weren’t blogging and we really had no intention of resuming. Talking about sex-related topics on Facebook was out of the question, as way too many of our family, friends and co-workers would be privy to whatever pervy thoughts we share there. While in theory this doesn’t really bother us, we’re guessing that most, if not all, of these people have no interest in what position resulted in Jill having an explosive G-spot orgasm (piledriver), what female foreign head-of-state I fantasized about while masturbating (Golda Meir), whose house we had sex in when we came by to feed their pets while they were on vacation (Jim and Tammy’s), and which sex toy we’re thinking of ordering (the We-Vibe 2). While we do have a pretty close cadre of personal friends with whom sex chat is not only tolerated but appreciated, we’re not as close to some as we once were (though to others, we’re much closer). Therefore starting a joint Twitter account made sense; it was a relatively effortless means of anonymously conveying info about our sex life – and for that matter, our sex lives, because while we don’t have an open relationship, there are sexual aspects of our lives that are separate – requiring much less of a time commitment than our blog did. We found ourselves dropping the occasional Tweet in the beginning when we had something interesting to share, but it took awhile to connect with other users. Now, though, I’d say we’re doing pretty well with it, and we Tweet on a fairly regular basis.

Because we have both been Tweeting from the same account – though I much more than Jill – we realized that it might be confusing for our followers to try and figure out which of us wrote any given Tweet. Like our blog entries, some of the things we Tweet could have been written by both of us together (“Dinner and drinks followed by naked hot tub time!”*), while with other Tweets it’s obvious which of us wrote them (“I love it when Jack fucks me from behind.”*). However, sometimes the identity of the writer is unclear, and a parenthetical indication of the writer could be included to clarify (“I just came three times in rapid succession. [Jack]”*). Other times, a parenthetical is desperately needed so as to make damn sure our followers know which of us wrote a certain Tweet – though hopefully people understand that the only one of us who might Tweet “I love sucking cock!”* is Jill. However, given the 140-character limitation imposed by Twitter, it can be difficult to compose a coherent sentence, much less add technically superfluous details. (As a writer and a one-time English major who hates seeing our language manhandled on a daily basis, everytime I am forced to condense an admittedly long-winded but grammatically-correct and perfectly-spelled thought into a series of truncated words for the purpose of Tweeting, I feel like a wide-eyed newborn puppy is run over and killed. But I digress.

Last weekend we decided to start a separate Twitter account for Jill. While having separate accounts will enable us to more efficiently express ourselves sexually without confusing anyone, we’re really just looking forward to sending each other filthy Tweets via our phone while sitting right next to each other on the couch. We could text each other, or God forbid actually speak our thoughts aloud, but then we’re the only ones who’ll get turned on by them, and obviously a little interaction with our followers as a result of some online dirty talk can only lead to good things as far as we’re concerned. If you follow @jackandjillcpl on Twitter, or even if you just enjoy reading what we’ve posted here, check out @jillandjackcpl too. There’s not much there yet, but that’ll change, and it might be fun to read our possibly-different perceptions of the same event, a sort of Twitter version of Rashomon.

We’ve added a second Twitter widget to the right-hand side of our blog that will display Jill’s recent Tweets below mine. (Sometimes I like being on top.) But if you want to get the whole story, give her a follow. You’ll be glad you did. So remember: Jack is @jackandjillcpl, while Jill is @jillandjackcpl. If you forget, the first four letters of each Twitter handle explicitly state which of us is primarily associated with the account and any associated Tweets.

*Not an actual Tweet of ours.

-Jack

Sunday Stealing: The Questions Galore Meme, Part 1

jackandjillcpl2 Comments
Posted in Uncategorized
Today we ripped off a blogger named Jenni from the blog Juniper’s Jungle. It’s long, so we will do it in parts. She states that she found this meme [at] Budgies blog. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
Jack’s Answers
1. Is there someone in your life you know you’d be better off without? Not anymore. I recently wrote off a few extended family members for whom I no longer have any use. This is not to say that someone must actively prove their worth for me to associate with them; I’m actually pretty easygoing and don’t expect shameless flattery, garish displays of wealth or miracles from either friends or family. The only requirements are that you not attempt to harm us in any way, that you refrain from violating our trust, and that you act in a manner befitting a civilized human being of your age. As these individuals range from merely immature and insufferable to devious and malicious, I no longer have use nor room for them in my life. I’m a big proponent of discarding the useless and unwanted in order to make room for the valued, especially when it comes to negative influences; when my friends complain to me about people in their lives who continually make them miserable, I tell them that there’s no reason to keep a friend or even a blood relation in their lives if they take without bringing anything good to the table. With these particular family members I realized that I had to take my own advice. I am much happier.
2. Do you get criticized because of your body? Not really, or at least not anymore. When I was a kid I got teased quite a bit by my peers because of my height; in elementary school I was always one of the shortest kids in my class. This meant being one of the last kids picked for sports, but it also meant compensating for this perceived failing by always trying hard, possibly harder than I would have otherwise. I stopped getting teased around the same time that the teasing stopped bothering me. Fortunately, the drive to work hard and succeed never left me. These days, I’m still probably below-average when it comes to height, but I’m not self-conscious about it; nobody gives me any shit about it and I can’t imagine it would wreck my confidence if they did. The only person who criticizes me about my body is myself, as I could stand to lose a few pounds but I like food and drink way too much. Fortunately, my own criticism drives me to work out, run when I can, and even eat healthy once in a very great while.
3. Did you kiss the last person you called? The last person I called was a client, and since I’m not a male escort (sorry, ladies!) I don’t make a habit of kissing the people I work for. I have a couple attractive female clients I wouldn’t mind kissing, but I’m guessing that their husbands might not take kindly, and such an indiscretion could have a negative effect on my income.
4. When was the last time you danced?Recently, while encouraging my young daughter to do the same.
5. Do you keep in mind other people’s feelings? I was raised to be considerate and I do my best to never willingly tread on someone’s feelings. However, it’s difficult to successfully walk the line between being considerate of another person’s feelings and letting someone mistreat you because they know you’re a decent person. So I try to be mindful of myself first, and other people next. Which is, of course, what any well-adjusted person ought to do.
6. If you have a hang nail, do you pull it or clip it? Pull it.
7. Who do you want to forget? Five or six months ago I would have said Donald Trump, but he’s kept a low profile since bowing out of the 2012 presidential race and I have almost completely forgotten about him and his shitty hairdo. This week, in light of her completely expected exit from the race, I’ll say Sarah Palin. I hope that the general apathy with which her announcement was met is an indication that even her own followers are as sick of her as the rest of us most certainly are. In the next month or two I’d like to be able to completely forget about Michele Bachmann, as well as Marcus and his passive-aggressive self-hatred and bigotry. After that, hopefully Rick Santorum will follow; no one expects him to be anything beyond a punchline anyway. And although I’m no fan of Mitt Romney or Rick Perry, the thought of either of these two becoming president merely upsets me. It doesn’t make me weep for all mankind.
8. Who was the last person to send you a letter? A letter? As in a piece of personal correspondence (i.e. not a utility or credit card bill) which is physical in nature (i.e. not an e-mail) but is not a greeting card? Something that begins with “Dear [name]”, includes a few lines of text and closes with “Sincerely, [name]”, “Love, [name]”, “Fondly, [name]” or some similar sentiment? I have literally no idea. I would guess that it has been a decade or more since I received an actual letter in the mail. The identity of the sender is certainly lost to time. My Mom? I’m gonna say my Mom, because why not. Edit: Jill points out that, when we first started dating, she used to send me letters all the time. I still have them, so I should have known better.
9. Who did you last tell to shut up? I’m guessing some political pundit on television. I really don’t know if this is the case, but it seems likely.
10. What’s the last thing that you smelt that smelt bad? Gasoline. Not a big fan of that particular odor.
11. What’s your favorite cereal? Lucky Charms. Hell, I’ll even eat the generic equivalent. I don’t care if there’s no leprechaun on the box and no toy surprise inside. Oats and colorful little marshmallow pieces? Suddenly I’m ten years old again. If I can eat it while watching Saturday morning cartoons – and thanks to Cartoon Network I can watch the cartoons of my youth whether I’m eating Lucky Charms for breakfast or as a just-before-bed snack – life is truly perfect.
12. How do you feel when people lead you on, but they don’t even like you? People don’t like me?
13. Could you live without sunlight? No, I’m not a vampire. However, the non-stop overcast skies that I’m used to in the late fall and winter may be, because they suck. I can’t imagine living without blue skies and sunshine. I can do it, and I have put up with it for months at a time, but it gets to me. Long periods of overcast skies without sunlight, with or without rain, tend to put me in a funk. I can deal with a couple days at a time, but once we hit the five-day mark, I’m aching to see the sun. If we reach two straight weeks, I’m seriously bummed. If I experience more than a month with no sunlight because the cloud cover is way too heavy, I’m pretty close to despondent. By this point, a sun lamp, hula music and tropical drinks are the only things keeping me from bouncing off the walls.
14. What’s something you know is bad, but you want to do it anyway? Invent some sort of invisibility serum (which may cause permanent insanity), ingest it, and use it to enter the women’s locker room at the gym.
15. What was the last thing you lied about? See question #8. I’m about as certain as I can be that the last letter I received wasn’t from my Mom. Edit: Now that I know Jill probably sent me my last letter, I’ll just go ahead and say I’ve never lied. THERE! That’s a lie. Question successfully answered.
16. Do you regret anything you’ve done in the past week? No. I try not to have many regrets, as there’s no point, really; everybody does things they might regret: They let opportunities pass them by. They say something and later wish they had said something different. They drink to excess. They don’t realize until they’ve dropped their date off that they’ve got spinach between their front teeth. They make mistakes. They are human. As I said, I try not to dwell on the past or obsess over things that I might have done differently. I acknowledge these incidents and do my best to move on. Most of the things I do aren’t the sort of things that leave me wracked with guilt and self-doubt. If I, say, cheated a senior citizen out of a few thousand dollars – something certainly worth feeling guilty over – I doubt that I would be the sort of person who would regret it afterwards anyway.
17. What was the last movie you bought? I haven’t bought a movie in years. Rather than once again lying, I’m just going to say I don’t know.
18. What is a sport you would like to do? Basketball. (See question #2)
19. When was the last time you felt like crying? Upon learning of a tragic and untimely death in the family. I probably did cry, in fact.
20. Have you ever wanted to kill someone (not that you actually do it)? Not really. I’ve said I wanted to kill someone (not to their face, of course) as it’s a decent means of letting off steam. But that’s different than really wanting to kill them (and way different than actually doing it). I try not to lose my temper, though I have my limits. But I’m not a particularly violent guy. That said, if I absolutely had to because my life or the lives of my loved ones were in danger, I’d like to think that I would do whatever was necessary to protect us. But that most certainly doesn’t mean I would do it with any joy or enthusiasm; while I might want to kill them more than I want to die, I wouldn’t like the fact that the person put me in this position. But killing someone because they scratched my fender, wore the throwback of an opposing quarterback or cut me off in traffic? No, that’s not me at all.
Jill’s Answers
1. Is there someone in your life you know you’d be better off without? I don’t think so. I have a friend who is extremely irritating and needy. She is the reason the expression “pain in the ass” was coined. Despite the fact that I am a wife and mother who works full-time and tries to incorporate sex into my already-crowded schedule, this friend calls me frequently and attempts to monopolize my after-work time. It is very difficult to politely tell this person that, after a long, hard day, the first two people I want to spend time with are my husband and our child, and she isn’t even in the top ten. My life would be so much easier if I didn’t know this person, but she is not mean-spirited or actively trying to hurt us, so no, I don’t believe that I am better off without her in my life.
2. Do you get criticized because of your body? Not openly. If anyone is criticizing me, they’re doing it behind my back.
3. Did you kiss the last person you called? The last person I called was Jack. I have kissed him. The person before that was my mom. I have kissed her. Looking at my call history on my cell phone, the last call I made to someone who I’ve never kissed was on September 26th. I called Comcast to schedule cable installation. But who knows? Maybe the Comcast guy was an ex-boyfriend.
4. When was the last time you danced? I danced with our daughter today! She’s got rhythm.
5. Do you keep in mind other people’s feelings? I always do. In fact, I think I consider other people’s feelings to a fault, meaning that I sometimes try to please the people in my life at my own expense. Coming from a large family in which I was one of the eldest children, I got used to doing things for everyone else, and this has carried over to my adult life. Jack has tried to help me put my needs above the needs of others, but it hasn’t been easy. As they say, old habits die hard. Still, I’m trying, and I think I’m better about it than I used to be.
6. If you have a hang nail, do you pull it or clip it? Clip.
7. Who do you want to forget? I want to forget about people who have hurt me and those I love, such as ex-boyfriends who treated me poorly, and negative people who tried to drag me down to their level.
8. Who was the last person to send you a letter? I have no idea! In college I used to send and receive a lot of letters, twenty or thirty at a time! I used to write to old high school friends, family members I missed, and even new acquaintances and friends who lived close. But that was before e-mail. I think the letter is sadly obsolete.
9. Who did you last tell to shut up? I don’t normally tell people to shut up. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t want to.
10. What’s the last thing that you smelt that smelt bad? A container of mystery food that I encountered in the back of the refrigerator while cleaning it.
11. What’s your favorite cereal? Either Cap’n Crunch or Fruity Pebbles. I can’t choose one over the other. Also, unlike Jack, I do not want to eat the generic equivalents. They taste different, and I will gladly pay more for the name brand.
12. How do you feel when people lead you on, but they don’t even like you? I think it’s pretty shitty, and I feel hurt when it happens. It normally means they’re using me to get something from me. They’re lying, and I hate being lied to.
13. Could you live without sunlight? No. First of all, I need the vitamin D from the sun. Second of all, sunlight makes me happy. If I only had gray skies, I would be sad.
14. What’s something you know is bad, but you want to do it anyway? Sex in public. This is a big turn-on for me, and I love doing it. But the fact that it’s public means we run the risk of being caught, and being caught means possible arrest or public embarrassment, so we don’t do this very much, and generally only when there’s little risk of being caught, or at the very least when the thrill vastly outweighs the risk.
15. What was the last thing you lied about? I was having an instant messenger conversation with the irritating and needy friend I described above. She had popped up to ask me something, I answered her question, and then I got up from the computer assuming the conversation was over. She then popped up on Jack’s instant messenger and asked if I was through talking to her, as apparently she had more to say and continued IMing me after I was gone. When I returned to the computer I told her that I was checking on the baby, when what I should have said was, “I thought I answered your question, and besides, I don’t really like talking to you.” See what I mean about being considerate?
16. Do you regret anything you’ve done in the past week? I regret buying into someone else’s drama, which resulted in three days of having to deal with it. I could have just ignored it, and I would have had a much less stressful week. Because, as I said, I tend to be overly conscious of other people’s feelings, ignoring others isn’t always easy, and I have to deal with the repercussions of the choices I make. I also kind of wish I hadn’t accepted a dinner invitation from the person I described in the first question. But she had been asking to get together for so long, and I finally just gave in to shut her up. Hey, I just thought of something. If I actually told her to shut up, I could be rid of this person, and have an answer for question #9.
17. What was the last movie you bought? The last DVD I bought was P.S. I Love You, which I purchased for somebody as a gift.
18. What is a sport you would like to do? I would like to learn to play golf, but not enough to invest the necessary time and money.
19. When was the last time you felt like crying? I actually cried recently, when I came home late from work and found the baby had fallen asleep before I could see her.
20. Have you ever wanted to kill someone (not that you actually do it)? There are many people in my life who irritate me enough that I want to kill them, though I would never actually do it. Then again, after reading Jack’s answer, I should probably say for the record that I don’t actually want to kill anyone, but sometimes I like saying that I do.

Flash Fiction Friday: Invitation

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Susan’s deep-rooted body image issues meant that social nudity – and with it, group sex – was out of the question. When Nick asked her to accompany him to a swingers’ party she agreed, though she was terrified.
The place was full of gorgeous naked people, all fucking and sucking enthusiastically. The sexually-charged atmosphere turned her on, but one thing was certain: She was not going to get naked in front of a room full of strangers. There wasn’t enough alcohol in the world.
With Susan’s blessing, though, Nick hooked up with a nineteen-year-old hottie with natural boobs and a round, juicy ass. Susan sat beside them on the couch and watched.

I must really love my husband, she thought.
That’s when the most gorgeous, cut guy approached the couch and extended a strong hand Susan’s way.
“Excuse me,” he said. “I was wondering if you’d like to accompany me to one of the private rooms.”
Susan didn’t speak. Instead she raised her hand to his, and he pulled her to her feet.
-Jack
This is my first attempt at Flash Fiction Friday. Thanks to Tame for suggesting – or did she insist? – that we take part this week. I found this meme a challenge thanks to the 208-word maximum. While I was eventually able to craft a pretty lean and to-the-point Flash Fiction Friday story, telling a complete, coherent tale with such a limitation was a daunting task. I attempted to tell three different stories based on the picture prompt. The first one is the story of the self-conscious wife at a swingers’ party which you just read; however, my first attempt resulted in an opening paragraph that was more than one hundred words. The second story concerned an overprotective forty-something mother who rigorously auditions her daughter’s dates before letting them have sex under her watchful eye. Like the first story, I was unable to properly convey this at a reasonable length. The third idea I had concerned a woman who has experienced so many emotional highs and lows during her life that she doesn’t raise an eyebrow when a man and woman begin having sex beside her. At this point I lost all hope of bringing my Flash Fiction Friday story in under the 208-word limit, and this idea evolved into a thrilling, 971-word-long assassins-for-hire story that climaxed both figuratively and literally at a sex party in Amsterdam’s Rosse Buurt. As this story was way too long, and not quite as sexy as I had hoped, I quickly gave the first idea another shot, and the result is the story that I posted.
I might have found Flash Fiction Friday less stressful had I realized that each week’s prompt is posted on Monday or Tuesday. Knowing this would have given me several days to plan and write my story rather than the approximately six hours I gave myself.
If you want to take part in Flash Fiction Friday, check out Erotic Flash Fiction for instructions.

HNT: Love Note

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We are taking a break from the “boots and lingerie” series in order to participate in Osbasso‘s Post-It® theme at OHNT this week. We had planned to use the standard yellow square Post-It® notes, and stick them on my boobs (covering my nipples) with “Lick here” written on one and “Suck here” written on the other one. Of course, last night when we looked for Post-It® notes amongst our office supplies, the only ones we could find were heart-shaped pink ones. They looked better on my ass than they did on my boobs. We hope you enjoy!
-Jill


Mermaid Vs. Whale, or the Greatest Thing We Have Read All Day

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The following has been going around Facebook today. It appears to have been written by a Facebook user named Delphine Fieberg, and as of this writing it has been shared more than one hundred-thousand times. It is copied here verbatim, with no commentary from us beyond this introduction, with all formatting left intact and no attention paid to typographical, grammatical or punctuation errors, if any. Also, we have no way of accounting for the accuracy of anything that is written below, but even assuming that it is a total work of fiction, it is something that we feel needs to be read. We hope that you enjoy it as much as we have.

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”
The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:
“Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.
Mermaids do not exist.
But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?
Without a doubt, I’d rather be a whale.
At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.
We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn’t enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: “How amazing am I ?! “
(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

TMI Tuesday: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

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This week’s TMI Tuesday idea is from Heelsnstocking.

Jack’s Answers
1. What’s the worst reason you have been given for breaking up?
I’d say the worst reason was given me by someone I went out with in college. One night we went on a date and after dinner but before sex, the person in question told me that our Zodiac signs weren’t compatible. Now, I’m not one to ridicule one’s beliefs, and I understand that this sort of thing is a deal-breaker to some people, but at the time I was probably twenty years old, and could think of many more sensible reasons for a woman to consider me undateable than some abstract system of divisions in the celestial plane: I didn’t have a lot of money. I didn’t drive an expensive car. I was probably pretty awkward. I still lived with my parents. I could go on. But I was an upstanding and idealistic guy who worked hard and was capable of treating a woman with respect one minute, and giving her sexual pleasure the likes she’d never imagined the next. (Actually, I’ve always thought that giving a shit about a woman’s pleasure was in fact a show of respect.) I found the idea that she’d rather have potentially dated some unemployed burnout (remember, this was the mid-nineties, when American jobs were plentiful) who might have been prone to domestic violence but who happened to be more astrologically compatible a bit of a joke. Additionally, the fact that she broke up with me after dinner rather than after sex was a blow to my ego, as I was under the impression that she liked sex with me.
2. What’s the worst reason you gave, to someone, for breaking up?
I think all, or at least most of, my reasons for breaking up with someone have been very valid. In my single days, I tried my hardest to be honest while not unnecessarily trampling someone’s feelings. However, I once told someone that I was “too busy” to have a relationship with her. To my credit, it was during a period of my life where I actually was extremely busy with work, school, friends and family, and I didn’t have much time to also incorporate the sort of things that come with a relationship. In other words, if I could have continued to fuck this person without having to ever meet or speak to her parents, hang out at her house and watch TV, drive her to work or school, or spend time with her while clothed, that would have been ideal. However, I really just wasn’t into this person, and I might have suffered through the added stress of a relationship if she was more interesting, more exciting, or otherwise worth it.
3. Have you ever engineered the end of a relationship e.g doing something you know will put the other person off? If yes, what did you do?
Yes. In my twenties I briefly dated a divorced woman who had a young son. Although I didn’t feel much of a romantic or sexual connection to her, I liked her, and I liked her family as well. As this wasn’t enough justification to keep dating her, I sought the end of the relationship but knowing that she had feelings for me, I didn’t want to be the one to break it off. Though my behavior didn’t really change, i.e. I didn’t go from being a good guy to being an asshole, I did distance myself emotionally with the intention of driving her away. It worked, and while I occasionally feel guilty for not ending it responsibly, I take comfort in the likelihood that she’s happier alone or with a different partner than she ever would have been with me.
4. Have you ever stayed with a partner just because you could not bear to end it?
Despite the example in #3, I have generally been pretty good about ending a relationship that’s going nowhere. However, in my much younger days I stayed with someone I knew wasn’t right for me, but not exactly because I couldn’t bear to end it, i.e. not because I was concerned for her feelings, exactly. She had serious mental issues including (I think) bipolar disorder, and I was terrified by the idea of her reacting violently to my attempts to break up with her. Without exactly coming up with a timeframe, I decided to stick it out while I gathered up my courage and got my affairs in order just in case. Before long she left me for some other guy, and I remember being very relieved.
5. Have you ever encouraged a friend to end a relationship? What happened? Are you still friends?
For some reason, friends come to me for relationship advice. I have no idea why this is, but I have listened to, and/or counseled more than a few of my friends on their relationships, and not just friends who know each other so it’s not like one friend told another friend, who told another friend. These are people who, in some cases, have never spoken. I have no real qualifications to give this sort of advice; I’m pretty sure my relationship resume reads pretty much like anyone else’s. But according to relationship expert and soon-to-be-best-thing-on-MTV Dan Savage, a master’s degree is not necessary: “You don’t need qualifications to give advice, someone just has to ask you for your advice to qualify.” So I’ll gladly give my opinion when asked, and try not to second-guess myself after the fact. Most of my friends who seek advice don’t have life-changing problems, and I’d like to think that if they did they’d ask someone whose opinion might carry a bit more weight than my own. Having said that, yes, I did once encourage a friend to dump the guy she was dating. Well, actually that’s not true. I didn’t encourage her, I merely told her that if I was in her shoes I would end the relationship, as they both had vastly different agendas. While she liked the sexual aspect of the relationship what she really wanted was a boyfriend, whereas the guy just wanted a regular piece of ass he could hit without much of an investment. He once very matter-of-factly told her that he was never going to be what she wanted him to be. He told her this on her birthday. Look, I’m all for being honest with significant others and random hookups, but it seemed like this guy was taking advantage of an emotionally-vulnerable person who was willing to have sex with him. I know this because, having been in a similar situation as a younger man, I did more or less the same thing. Ultimately it was my friend’s choice to stay – and she did, for a couple months after this revelation occurred – but his timing illuminated the sort of guy that he was.
Bonus: Have you ever been the cause of a relationship to end? Tell us about it.
As in, was I the outsider who broke up a couple? I’m guessing this question isn’t referring to one of my own relationships. I’m going to say probably, as I have had sex with women who were in pre-existing relationships. For the record, I was not acquainted with these women’s significant others. For the sake of self-preservation and a dislike of drama, my idealistic younger self swore he would never get involved with a woman who was attached. My realistic self, however, liked to get laid (still does!) and frequently recognized an opportunity when one presented itself. My rationalization was that a woman who wanted to stray was going to do so, whether or not it was with me, and as long as I didn’t know the guy I figured no harm done. I suppose this was a reprehensible attitude to take, but the sex was usually quite good, so I have no regrets. Again, I have no evidence to suggest that I contributed to the end of these relationships, or that the relationships even ended. In fact, I know that at least one of these women stayed with her significant other long after we stopped having sex.
Jill’s Answers
1. What’s the worst reason you have been given for breaking up?
In my mid-twenties, I was dating a guy and he told me that we should get married so he could get his green card. He said that we could see other people, and after five years we could get an amicable divorce! When I refused, he broke up with me. Pretty lousy reason, though obviously if he hadn’t broken it off, I would have.
2. What’s the worst reason you gave, to someone, for breaking up?
I don’t have a lot of weird reasons for breaking up with somebody. When I would break off a relationship, I would usually give the standard “It’s not working out”, which happened to be the truth.
3. Have you ever engineered the end of a relationship e.g doing something you know will put the other person off? If yes, what did you do?
I was dating a guy, and a couple months into the relationship I realized that I really didn’t like him all that much. He was kind of a jerk. One night we went to a party, and he went out for alcohol, leaving me behind. Despite the fact that he knew I didn’t like Jack Daniels (or maybe because he knew), that’s all he brought back to the party. I still wanted to drink, so I made myself a Jack and Coke. As though he was trying to bait me, he said, “I thought you don’t drink Jack Daniels.” I was so pissed off at him that, when his friend made a pass at me, I made out with him. The guy I was dating didn’t see, and after the party I met the other guy for sex. Later someone told the first guy that I made out with the second. The first guy suggested that he and I see other people. I said, “I already am.”
4. Have you ever stayed with a partner just because you could not bear to end it?
No. I have a pretty good track record of ending relationships when it’s clear that they’ve run out of steam.
5. Have you ever encouraged a friend to end a relationship? What happened? Are you still friends?
No. While I have given my opinion on friends’ relationships when asked, I would never encourage someone to leave a relationship that he or she is not ready to leave.
Bonus: Have you ever been the cause of a relationship to end? Tell us about it.
Yes, though indirectly. When I was in my twenties, I had sex with a boyfriend while his roommate watched and masturbated. The roommate was dating a friend of mine. When he told her that he’d watched us, she broke up with him.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!