While We’re on the Subject of Ignorant People Talking About Sex…

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Posted in Lynette Burrows Sex Education Sex-negative right-wing idiots Teachers are not usually pedophiles written by Jack
Professionals attack the BBC for putting teachers at risk after its decision to broadcast a clip during Sunday Morning Live that compared sex education teachers to paedophiles
“I think parents have the absolute right to protect their children from this sort of education which is so unhelpfully obsessed with destroying childhood innocence, in a way that’s reminiscent of paedophilia. To me, anyone who wants to talk dirty to little children is a danger to them.”
These words, from the lips of “family values” campaigner Lynette Burrows, were broadcast last weekend as part of a pre-recorded video package on the BBC‘s Sunday Morning Live show to kick off a “debate” about sex education.
The comments were left unchallenged, and the show continued with a studio discussion in which Burrows was joined by a historian and a neoconservative lobbyist, rather than, say, a sex education professional or similar expert. The lack of a qualified speaker in the studio removed the possibility of any informed discussion, and things veered downhill from there.
Other guests were piped in by phone or webcam. The only person with professional experience relevant to the debate, sex education teacher Alice Hoyle, was given seconds to “justify why I am not a paedophile on national TV” before being cut off in favour of a Rabbi (decent, to be fair), and a spokesman from the Campaign for Real Education who ranted unpleasantly about homosexuality in schools. It wasn’t a debate so much as a festival of ignorance.
Burrows’ comments were idiotic, but so was the decision to broadcast them unchallenged, and the BBC have some serious questions to answer about their editorial judgement. One viewer complained to Auntie, and their response to her was as depressing as it was tediously predictable:
“We make no editorial comment or judgement on the views expressed by contributors to our programmes, and our aim is simply to provide enough information for viewers to make up their own minds.
“This may include hearing opinions which some people may personally disagree with but which individuals may be fully entitled to hold in the context of legitimate debate.”
Firstly, if you give more exposure or weight to one side of the discussion, or you fail to include experts in the debate, then you are making an editorial judgement whether you mean to or not. You can’t choose which views to provide a platform for – doubtless there are many the BBC wouldn’t air – and then pretend that this somehow doesn’t involve making a judgement about their legitimacy. Especially when you go on to describe them as “legitimate”.
Secondly, not all opinions are equal, or legitimate. The BBC’s position here is a kind of anti-journalism, what Jay Rosen termed “the view from nowhere”. As Rosen once explained, “it places the journalist between polarized extremes, and calls that neither-nor position ‘impartial’.”
Of course it isn’t impartial, merely cowardly. Repeating every conceivable opinion without challenge is not being objective, neither is setting up a debate with the premise that both points of view are equally valid – that road leads us to creationists on David Attenborough specials.
Thirdly, the segment failed to enlighten or inform at even the most basic level. No experts were included in the studio discussion to explain their field, no substantial discussion of the evidence occurred, and the segment didn’t even attempt to explain what sex education is, or what it involves.
Meanwhile Burrows was free to claim variously that teen pregnancies are rising, that teachers “want to talk dirty to little children”, and that “it is now generally accepted that [sex education] hasn’t worked.” These aren’t matters of opinion but claims of fact, and for the presenter to leave them unchallenged is an abdication of professional responsibility.
The BBC’s viewers may have been seriously misled by their shambolic approach to the topic, and thousands of dedicated professionals have not only had their work grossly misrepresented, but have been subjected to vile and unfounded smears that may even put them at risk. As lecturer and researcher Dr Petra Boynton put it to me today:
“Their play at impartial broadcasting actually allows them to let a guest be accused of something that’s not only false, but is objectionable and could potentially have a far-reaching impact on their career, family life and personal safety.”
Dr John Lloyd, policy adviser of the PSHE Association, which represents those teaching personal, social, health and economic education, echoed Boynton’s concerns, telling me:
“The PSHE Assocation, the subject association for personal, social, health and economic education (of which sex and relationships education is a key component) says that it is very concerned that such extreme language puts those teaching SRE at risk.”
The Family Planning Association have also condemned the show in a statement released online today which condemns Lynette Burrows’s views as “a gross distortion of what relationships and sex education is”, asking broadcasters to “stop giving air time to the minority who deliberately seek to distort what sex and relationships education is.”
The failure of programmes like Sunday Morning Live to deal with these issues responsibly leaves professionals wondering why they should bother to engage with the media on these topics at all. Alice Hoyle, the teacher who was briefly allowed to respond via webcam, has been left shocked by the experience, and discusses it at length in a series of blog posts. “Equating me to a paedophile is actually the most foul, upsetting and disgusting thing that has ever been said to me.”
Why go back? As Dr Boynton told me:
“We’re constantly being told as practitioners and academics that we must ‘engage’ with the public via the media, but there is little or no support for us when we bravely do this (knowing how controversial sex/relationships issues are) and face abuse and ridicule. The constant focus on discussions as ‘false debates’ as well as the media’s lack of understanding of basic sex ed issues means we’re having our time wasted at best, but being personally and professionally abused at worst.”
It’s a situation that helps nobody, least of all those the BBC is supposed to serve and inform.
The issue here seems to be free speech versus journalistic responsibility. We’re all for personal freedoms – anyone who’s read much of this blog should have already figured that out – and we would certainly defend the right of the press to print or broadcast something controversial. At this point, though, isn’t it just a “coulda versus shoulda” argument? In other words, just because you can, does that mean you should? I live in the United States, the home of Fox News, so I am not unfamiliar with the concept of one-sided media coverage. In our opinion, narrow-minded people who wear their willful ignorance as a badge of honor are the real problem, but even in present-day, with seemingly everyone beholden to special interests, a responsible media outlet owes it to all parties, especially its audience, to cover all sides of a story rather than furthering a preconceived agenda.

Do You Masturbate? This Guy Says You’re Gay

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Posted in Mark Driscoll masturbation Self-Hating Masturbation Addict Sex-negative right-wing idiots written by Jack

The Christian Right has much to say about homosexuality. Fred Phelpsl [sic] says God hates them and stages protests at the funerals of American soldiers to bring attention to his hatred. An anti-gay Christian Right wing activist recently said there wasn’t any proof that LBGT people exist. And most recently, a conservative crowd booed a gay soldier during a GOP Debate. Now a “pastor” on the Christian Right is saying that masturbation is a form of homosexuality.
“Pastor” Mark Driscoll says that men need to stop masturbating because it’s a kind of homosexuality. In a booklet titled Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation for God’s Men, Driscoll of the Seattle-based Mars Hill Church says, “First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexual activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.”
In sermons offered at this website, Driscoll also says that Christians should judge gay people like Jesus. “If you leave this church, you can go to another church and they will tell you if you are living together and not married, that’s okay. They’ll tell you if you’re gay, that’s okay. They’ll tell you if you’re married and you’re into porno and wife-swapping and open marriages, that’s okay. God is displeased with that conduct. …. Christians therefore must be judgmental like Jesus.”
Driscoll is a poor excuse of a pastor. This supposed “man of God” should know that Jesus was not judgmental, and he certainly frowned upon Christians judging others. “Judge not lest ye be judged,” Jesus said to a group of men who were judging an adulterer. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” The Bible says that the only sexuality we should be concerned with is our own. I’m certain this “pastor” sins on a daily basis and has probably masturbated a couple times in his life. Interestingly enough, he isn’t saying anything about female masturbation. He’s probably okay with that.
Well, duh. Female masturbation is fucking hot.
For the record, there is no connection between masturbation and homosexuality. Sure, gays masturbate, but so do straight people and we can say this with 100% confidence because we’re straight people and we masturbate. In fact, we are thinking of masturbating as soon as we post this. Mark Driscoll would probably claim that the fact that we masturbate means we are gay. Hey, that’s great, Mark. But admit it, you’ve masturbated like one of those red-assed monkeys at the zoo being paid by the fluid ounce. Maybe you don’t anymore; maybe the shame and the self-hatred you feel for having masturbated at one point in your life forced you to kick the habit. If that’s the case, then we feel sorry for you, because masturbation is awesome. It’s the one kind of sex that the most repulsive members of society can be assured of experiencing, and you should know. But if it makes you feel better to say that we’re all gay, then that’s fabulous.

Fisting is Fun!

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Posted in Cambria List Courtney Trouble Duck Bill Fisting G-Spot International Fisting Day Obscenity Pornography written by Jack
As stated in our blog entry posted Wednesday, today is International Fisting Day. For those of you unfamiliar with the practice, Wikipedia defines fisting as “a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum.” It sounds pretty straightforward, but there is nothing simple about fisting. It is potentially one of the most enjoyable experiences in the entire sexual spectrum, combining a deep, frequently emotional, connection between the fister and the fistee with an often face-to-face intimacy and an intensity that we have found to be all but unmatched elsewhere in our sexual repertoire.
Fisting is also one of the most misunderstood sex acts; witness, in Kevin Smith’s 1997 film Chasing Amy, Ben Affleck’s wide-eyed overacting – sorry, incredulity – when told by Joey Lauren Adams’ character that she enjoys it on occasion. I suppose that the fact that the film was released and is set almost fifteen years ago is partially to blame for the urban legend-like mystique with which Affleck’s character seems to view fisting; today his general ignorance seems outdated, even quaint.
The fact that the depiction of fisting in pornography is extremely rare may be responsible for the mythic status that continues to surround it. As stated in the article we shared on Wednesday, fisting was included in a 2001 document known as the Cambria List, which was created as a direct response to the election of George W. Bush, and which circulated through the adult film industry listing sex acts – as well as specific camera shots – that were best omitted from pornography in order to avoid obscenity lawsuits or prosecutions. Though the list is vague – two different sex acts are deemed “OK if shot is not nasty”, whatever in hell that means – it is clear that the industry was seeking to guard itself against a crackdown in George W. Bush’s ultraconservative America.
In addition to fisting, the Cambria List made verboten such themes or shots as interracial sex, BDSM, bisexuality, transsexuals, squirting, and “two dicks in/near one mouth”. Though I am far from an adult industry insider, it seems that the government’s crusade against obscenity was in actuality a crusade against LGBT performers, women in general, and any other sort of pornography that defied traditional values (as misplaced as that phrase seems to be in a discussion of adult entertainment). While you may be shocked by this blatant attack on the sexual freedoms of consenting adults everywhere – ironic, considering the way the Bush administration used the concept of freedom to justify the War on Terror – it’s important to remember that this is the same nation that collectively shat itself at the sight of Janet Jackson’s nipple during Super Bowl XXXVIII.
In the last few years the adult industry has relaxed its self-imposed ban on most of the items on the Cambria List, but in mainstream pornography at least, fisting is still unheard of. That such an erotic, exhilarating act remains taboo is both perplexing and disappointing, especially in light of the fact that other acts – spitting, for example – are more widely accepted and in fact seem to be growing in popularity. Nothing against anyone who has successfully managed to incorporate spitting into a healthy, committed relationship, but we don’t find your particular kink appealing. At the risk of making a blanket statement without any real evidence, I suspect that the prominence of spitting in mainstream pornography – as well as the scarcity of fisting – is due to the fact that most commercially-avaiable porn is marketed toward men as opposed to women or couples.
I was the first person to fist Jill. She was not the first person I ever fisted. Prior to meeting her, I’d had some experience with ex-girlfriends, though I only inserted my hand to the base of my thumb. As I was under the impression that, in order for the act to qualify as fisting I needed to be wrist-deep, I was always hesitant to identify what I was doing as such. However, according to porn star and fisting advocate Courtney Trouble in the San Francisco Bay Guardian article we reposted on Wednesday, the wrist is not the minimum requirement; as long as four fingers and a thumb are inserted past the knuckles, fisting has taken place.
The first time Jill and I experienced fisting together, our relationship was still fairly new. I was stimulating Jill’s clit with my thumb while stroking the anterior wall of her pussy with my index and middle fingers. When I found her G-spot, she asked me to insert another finger, and then another. Without varying my rhythm, I moved my thumb off of her clit, and replaced it with my other hand. As I softly strummed my fingers against her clit, I withdrew my fingers from inside her – much to her dismay – and put my hand into a position sometimes colloquially referred to as “duck bill”.

Thanks to Jill’s advanced state of arousal she accepted my compactly-arranged fingers and thumb without resistance, and after a few minutes of what she later told me was the most emotionally-intense sexual experience she’d ever had (something with which I am inclined to agree), she indicated that she was very close to orgasm. I continued to massage her G-spot, by now lapping steadily, hungrily, at her clit with my tongue. As her orgasm built, the moans she uttered were unlike any I’d heard before. Likewise, to say that she squirted upon reaching her climax would be an understatement. When her orgasm had passed, she lay there, panting as the waves of euphoria slowly receded. We held each other for almost an hour, not kissing, not speaking, not even touching beyond our mutual embrace. We listened to each other breathing, felt our hearts beating in unison. I had never felt so in sync, physically and emotionally, with another person. Was it then that I knew I would marry Jill? It may have been.
We appreciate the efforts of Courtney Trouble in creating International Fisting Day. With any luck, she will bring attention and understanding to – and in the process remove the unfair taboo from – this most enjoyable sexual act.

Flash Fiction Friday: Aural Sex

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Posted in Flash Fiction Friday written by Jack


(Source image: unknown title by Beau Monde; website link broken)
His disembodied voice filled her ears as her movements reached their frantic culmination. She gave her clitoris one last stroke and climaxed in a paroxysm of pained delight. As her heartbeat slowed to normal she removed her headphones and placed them on her knee. Tears formed in her eyes and began to spill down her cheeks, her panting breaths becoming tortured sobs as she remembered him. When her eyes were dry she deleted the recording from her computer. (79)

-Jack

When I first saw the prompt for this week’s Flash Fiction Friday, I was stunned by the 38-98 word limit, and recalling the challenge presented by the previous two weeks’ higher count, I was surprised by just how easy this week’s story was to write. Like last week, I had a pretty clear idea of just how much space 98 words should take up, and adjusted my mindset accordingly. I’ve written extremely short fiction in the past, and it maxed out at approximately twenty-five words, so in retrospect 98 words was, by comparison, extravagant. Thus, this is the first time in the three weeks that I’ve been participating that I completed my story before Thursday night.
The body language of the model in the prompt photo suggested conflict, perhaps pain or grief, and as observed by Tame, wistfulness. Among the details in need of interpretation were the model’s post, especially the placement of her hands; her nudity; and easily the most curious aspect of the photo in my opinion, the placement of the headphones on her knee. Obviously there are many valid reasons why one might place a pair of headphones on her knee in this fashion, but combining this with the other elements of the photo in a compelling fashion was where I found the challenge.
As with last week, I chose not to address the hair color of the model. Last week, was I allowed a few more words, I would have mentioned the purple highlights, as well as the tattoo, in describing how the narrator viewed Vivianne as a free spirit. With a much smaller limit this week I knew I’d have no words to spare on the ruby-red hue, although it’s a shame as her hair is possibly the most immediately-striking aspect of the prompt photo. Admittedly I have no idea what I might have said about it given ten or fifteen additional words, save to merely mention it in passing.

I considered titling the story “Grief”, but decided to leave the fact that the woman pictured is mourning a lover who is either deceased or otherwise absent a surprise only revealed at the end.

Once again, I attempted to post the prompt photo in high-resolution, but Blogger didn’t want to play ball. (That, or I have no idea how to make the image fit.) If you want to see our lovely crimson-haired model in higher quality, take part in Flash Fiction Friday, or see who else participated, head over to Flash Fiction Friday.

HNT: Exploration

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Posted in HNT hot masturbation photo of Jill written by Jill
I think that this week’s picture and its title speak for themselves. Be sure to visit Osbasso and see who else HNTed this week. Then stop by OHNT and see my other picture for this week!
-Jill

Relax and open up (your mind) for International Fisting Day

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Posted in Cambria List Courtney Trouble Fisting International Fisting Day Interview Obscenity Pornography San Francisco Bay Guardian SFBG Article Written by Neither
When queer porn stars Courtney Trouble and Jiz Lee noticed that fisting scenes were being consistently edited out of conventional pornography, they knew something had to be done. Enter International Fisting Day, which will be born with an ecstatic shout this Fri/21. The actor-activists hit upon the idea of the day to expose the joys of fisting and mobilize bloggers, porn lovers, and supporters everywhere to share the good word about a good fist. We recently conducted an interview with Courtney Trouble via email. She was a-tingle awaiting her new holiday, set to coincide with Live Sex Show, the movie she shot at this year’s Masturbate-a-thon at the Center for Sex and Culture (yes, it includes fisting galore). She says that sex-positivity is all about celebrating consensual sex that makes people happy. Fisting does just that — so why do we still consider it obscene?

San Francisco Bay Guardian: What inspired you to create International Fisting Day?
Courtney Trouble: I am a female pornographer, as well as an artist, small business owner, and performer. I have spent 10 years in front of and behind the camera, running my own websites, and directing and editing my own films, every single day feeling like I’m fighting for my rights as a female to have and show authentic orgasms and authentic sex on camera.
The inspiration to create International Fisting Day came when a VOD company insisted on editing out a fisting scene between the legendary Nina Hartley and Jiz Lee in my new film, Live Sex Show. I thought about it for a while because I’ve edited out fisting in the past for producers, just in order to get published in the first place. This film is different because I’m releasing it independently, so I have a choice now whether or not to show everything. So, I watched the scene again and thought, if I cut out this fisting scene, I am cutting out Jiz Lee’s incredible orgasm — you can’t just show the orgasm and pretend that it happened some other way. That real, gorgeous, incredible orgasm came from fisting. Jiz agreed with me, and we came up with this great idea — get people to celebrate it publicly, to come out as fisting fans, to start talking about it, to open up more dialogue about sex positivity, erotic art, and censorship.
The goal is to create a new awareness of this sex act, mainly from Jiz and my own feminist and queer perspectives, but it’s open to everyone’s interpretation. We are hoping that people take a moment in the day to watch some fisting porn with an open mind, try it with a partner, and go to our local porn shops and tell them that we will gladly purchase and support indie porn that includes fisting.
SFBG: Why do you think mainstream porn companies censor fisting?
CT: Mainstream porn companies rarely shoot fisting because adult industry lawyers have advised them not to. Fisting appeared on a list of potential triggers for obscenity lawsuits. This list was created by Paul Cambria in 2001, and is known as the Cambria List. On this list, fisting (and squirting, sharing a dildo, wax dripping, blindfolds, bondage toys, transsexuals, bi-sexual sex, menstruation sex, and interracial sex) are listed in equality with underage fantasies, rape, necrophilia, incest, and bestiality. Bukkake and facial ejaculation shots are also on this list.
Why most of these sex acts or themes have been allowed into the mainstream adult showcase while fisting remains as prohibited as some of the more serious acts is beyond me. Further more, many of these prohibited things, such as transsexuals, bisexual sex, menstruation, and squirting, identify a larger problem within the community of adult industry lawyers that mandate these guidelines, and the filmmakers and producers that perpetuate this list’s power over our work – that the adult industry at large is misogynist and homophobic.

SFBG: What is fisting and how do you do it?

CT: I think some people can get a little confused as to what it is, and that’s the biggest reason why there should be more of it shown in pornography across the board.
Fisting is simply four fingers and a thumb sliding into a vagina (or ass, for those inclined and well-lubed). The hand then slips delicately inside the hole, past the knuckles and anywhere along the palm of the hand, even up to the wrist. It’s basically allowing the vaginal muscles to decide how little, or how much, the body wants to take in. The fistee is left feeling full, and often times the fister can feel the beating of the heart, muscle swelling, and the walls of the vagina moving up and down the hand. There’s a misconception that’s it’s forced in, when most fisting is initiated entirely by the person getting fisted. In fact, it’s usually the vagina itself that will decide to just swallow a hand entirely.
Once the hand is fully inside, it generally stays still, allowing both parties to experience that connection. Some movement is natural, and after a while, light thrusting may or may not happen. Every once in a while it might be faster or harder, but in general, fisting is all about a hand and a hole listening to each other very closely. It’s one of the most beautiful, intimate sex acts I’ve ever experienced. It’s sex positive and builds a deeper connection between sex partners. It’s encourages deeper communication. And most people who have been fisted will probably tell you, it’s one of the best ways to orgasm in the whole wide world.
SFBG: Is fisting in itself a liberating act? A queer act? A feminist act?
CT: I find fisting to be incredibly liberating! Did you know that a human heart is the size of a fist? Whenever I’m fisting I think about that, what if this person’s heart was inside me right now? Perhaps this is too personal for a public forum such as the Guardian but if you’ll let me say it… for me, getting fisted is the most sacred, intimate, beautiful, and loving sex act I participate in.
Fisting is not exclusively a queer act. However, I have heard it called “the bread and butter of queer sex.” For female-bodied queers and lesbians, fisting is a great form of skin-to-skin, penetrative, sex, a better option than just a few fingers or a silicone sex toy.
I personally find fisting to be an extremely feminist act, as it challenges you to admit that there are things besides cocks that can get women off. It expands our sexual repertoire beyond phallic insertion, and I enthusiastically invite men to try fisting (and all forms of hand sex) with their female partners as well as your usual penis-in-vagina sex — it can prolong your night in bed, bring you closer together, and open up lines of communication and fantasy that weren’t open before.
SFBG: Should people who don’t personally enjoy fisting take part in International Fisting Day?
CT: Of course! Allies are so crucial to projects like this. This day is meant to create awareness around censorship of sexual pleasure and all the ways we can attain it with our own bodies. This is about sex positivity in all its forms. If you don’t enjoy fisting (as a top or a bottom) – take a moment on Fisting Day to talk about it with your partner or your friends. And, well, what do you like? Where does pleasure come from? What can we do in one day to make sex less scary, less secretive, less shameful?
SFBG: Where can we find some good porn that shows fisting in all its glory?
CT: My sites QueerPorn.Tv and NoFauxxx.Com never shy away from showing fisting when it happens naturally in a sex scene. Crash Pad Series is also a great place to find some.
SFBG: How can we celebrate? What should be done on International Fisting Day?
CT: [You can go to] our online hub and also our Facebook event page for more information. On Fri/21, [you can] post a blog about fisting — what it means to you, what you like about it. Tweet about #fisting, Facebook about the act. Share posts. Tumblr the fuck out of it. Read a fisting how-to book. Watch queer porn online. We will post our favorite, uncensored scenes from sites like QueerPorn.TV, Crash Pad Series, No Fauxxx, and more. You can enter a contest at Queer Porn Tube, a free user-generated, community-driven queer porn site. Upload photos or videos (hardcore or just plain cute or symbolic) and you can win a Skype date with [me], an autographed copy of Live Sex Show, or international fame — your choice. And if you want to be one of the first wave of supporters to order a DVD that actually has fisting in it, October 21st is also the release date of Live Sex Show. Watch a free online fisting workshop hosted by [myself] at 8 p.m. PST where [I] will answer your questions live, demonstrate some easy techniques, and fist a porn star friend! (We will post the link here on October 21)
United we fist!

TMI Tuesday: It’s All About Me

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Posted in Uncategorized


It’s TMI Tuesday again. You know that dreaded interview question “Tell me about you/yourself?” Who the hell knows how to answer that! These questions are a lot more fun (and easier) way to Tell Us More About YOU 🙂

P.S. Based on your answers we will make snap judgements and form stereotypical opinions about you 🙂
Jack’s Answers
1. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”…What is it that you will show me?
Though I tend to enjoy most of my media in digital format these days, I prefer to read books the old fashioned way. I’ve got an impressive collection of books on film, including screenplays, memoirs, rare books on film production, criticism, study and analysis, and the like.
2. What was the last thing you regret buying?
Though I do tend to buy quite a bit of stuff, I don’t experience much buyer’s remorse. Usually if I’m in the market for something big or expensive I do my research and hopefully I manage to make an informed choice. Thus I found this question difficult to answer. The only thing that comes to mind was a rare book I picked up at a used book sale, and which I discovered I already owned once I got home. Of course, it only cost me a quarter, and considering that I could probably sell the book on eBay or Amazon Marketplace for ten to twenty dollars, I guess I don’t really regret it.

3. How happy are you? 1 = not happy at all to 5 = very happy
I’m going to say 4.5. I know Jill will say 5 and my lower rating is in no way a judgment of her or our life together. I am happy in every imaginable way. But I could always be happier.
4. Last night, what did you go to bed thinking about?
Sex. Unfortunately Jill was already asleep so we didn’t have any. Then again, we had sex at four different times between Friday evening and Sunday afternoon, so I have no right to complain.
5. Tell us something that made you happy this past week or made you think “that’s cool!”
My daughter told me that she loved me for the first time.
Bonus: What is your favorite mark of punctuation? Why?
I am particularly fond of the semicolon, as it is a sadly misunderstood and improperly-utilized punctuation mark. I am also a fan of the Oxford comma, of which it seems that the average American English speaker is unware. (You read that right: I am a fan of a punctuation mark.) Here’s why the Oxford comma is so important:

(Apologies for the truncated image. I’m not very good at formatting these things, but I think you get the point.)
Jill’s Answers
1. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”…What is it that you will show me?
I will show you my pussy if you show me your cock. I will also flash pussy for pussy, or boobs for boobs. I thought about also giving a non-sexual answer, but I can’t think of one that defines me as much as the answer I actually gave.
2. What was the last thing you regret buying?
Pretzel M&Ms. Awhile back, we bought a bag on a whim, just to try them. Jack warned me that they wouldn’t be any good, but I saw that they were fewer calories than peanut M&Ms. Jack was right, we didn’t eat them, and we ended up – what did we do with them? I think we just threw them at people.
3. How happy are you? 1 = not happy at all to 5 = very happy
I’m a 5. Except for when I’m not.
4. Last night, what did you go to bed thinking about?
I was thinking about good sex, and hoping to have some. Unfortunately I fell asleep while putting the baby to sleep, and that was a wrap on my night. Hence my solo playtime in the shower this morning.
5. Tell us something that made you happy this past week or made you think “that’s cool!”
Something one of the students in my class said made me laugh. I would explain what he said in detail, but literally every single person we know has heard the story by now, and I’m afraid it would be too revealing.
Bonus: What is your favorite mark of punctuation? Why?
I love exclamation points! You can put an exclamation point after anything you write, and suddenly you’re shouting!
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

A Funny But Inconsequential Article; Or, Proof Positive That Most People Have Their Heads in the Gutter

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Posted in Family Feud Funny Huffington Post Pastor's Wives Sperm Spitting vs. Swallowing Steve Harvey Swallow Video Clip written by Jack

…Not that that’s a bad thing, necessarily. From Huffington Post:

“Magen, tell me something you put in your mouth but don’t swallow.” Before the question left “Family Feud” host Steve Harvey’s lips, he knew he had stumbled into sticky territory.
After innocuously getting the answer “gum” during the initial round, Harvey walked over to the Forsythe team and posed the same question. But Magen, the girl he asked (and a pastor’s wife to boot), gave him an incredulous look that summed up what most viewers were likely thinking (assuming that, like us, most viewers have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy).
Harvey immediately spirals into a half tirade/half lecture about how such a question — and such an answer — could potentially harm the squeaky-clean legacy that “Family Feud” has enjoyed for decades.
How does Magen eventually answer? Does she tiptoe around the question? Is “Family Feud” off the air after an advertiser revolt against swallowing? You may be surprised.
For the record, I’ve never given much thought to the wives of pastors and such. Nothing against them as a whole, but were I to think “pastor’s wife” I would probably think quiet, demure, sexually repressed and frustrated, and probably not in favor of the majority of the values for which I stand. But Magen seems to prove otherwise. I found her pretty cute, and the fact that she was confident enough to say what I’m guessing the majority of her team, the studio audience, and the home audience was thinking was hot. The fact that her answer was not on the board indicates that the people surveyed were probably not as honest or confident as she.
I’m actually a bit disappointed in Steve Harvey. He seemed threatened by Magen’s answer (if not by Magen herself), though I’m guessing (or hoping) based on what I know of him that this was for show in order to protect Family Feud’s “squeaky clean legacy”. I actually find Harvey’s description of the show as “Christian entertainment” (likely meant facetiously) to be highly dubious, as I’m not the only viewer who remembers Richard Dawson and his penchant for forcing himself on female contestants. (In order to avoid upsetting the legions of fundamental Christians who frequent our blog, I’ll avoid suggesting that forcing oneself on a woman is consistent with Christian values.)
Now that I think of it, Family Feud is not broadcast live. If Magen’s answer was so problematic that the host of the show had to disavow it, why was the segment allowed to air? Why not just replace the offending question with another, more family-friendly one? For that matter, why bother asking the question in the first place? Obviously if most people hear “Name something you put in your mouth but don’t swallow” and think of something sexual, I imagine that at least one of the show’s producers does as well. Therefore I’m guessing that the question was included on the show precisely because of the possibility of a sexual reference being made – perhaps not one as explicit as “sperm” – with Harvey instructed to visibly disapprove. Lame.
Now that I think of it, I wonder if Magen’s answer wasn’t on the board because the hundred people surveyed actually prefer to swallow.

Sunday Stealing: The Questions Galore Meme, Part 2

jackandjillcpl7 Comments
Posted in Funny Meme Hatred Not Sexy Sunday Stealing Written by Both
Today we ripped off a blogger named Jenni from the blog Juniper’s Jungle. It’s long, so we will do it in parts. She states that she found this meme [at] Budgies blog. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
[Note: When these questions were originally posted Jill and I pasted them into a word processing document in order to answer them. However, since then the wording of a few of the questions has been altered and in some cases questions were changed completely. The original three questions, and our answers thereto, are included as bonus questions.]
Jack’s Answers
21. What was the last song you listened to that wasn’t sung in English? It was either “Llorando”, by Rebekah Del Rio (Spanish), or “Vaka”, by Sigur Rós (Vonlenska/Hopelandic).
22. One of our SS players generally leaves a critical comment on our memes. Which is fine. All’s fair. Do you let meme authors know when you hate their memes? No. I generally don’t find blogging memes to be sufficiently important as to inspire an extreme emotional reaction, especially not hatred. If I don’t like something that much, I don’t participate. I certainly don’t bother to bitch to the person responsible. What’s the point?
23. What TV show would you like to be on? I would like to appear on a revival of Twin Peaks, with Idris Elba in the role of Special Agent Dale Cooper and either Abigail Breslin or Chloë Moretz as Laura Palmer. Rather than concerning the murder of a local homecoming queen in a small town in the Pacific Northwest, it would instead be about either human trafficking in a Texas border town, or the illegal poaching of Chesapeake Bay crabs in a coastal town on the Eastern Seaboard. I would portray the log.
24. What was the last video game you played? I’m pretty sure it was Metroid, the 1987 sci-fi adventure game for the NES. On the rare occasion that I have time to play a video game, I’m probably on my laptop, running an NES emulator and playing something from the mid-to-late-’80s, likely one of a handful of NES games that still hold my interest for replay value as well as nostalgia and overall fun. That said, it’s been awhile since I played.
25. Have you ever been in a musical? If yes, do tell. Sarcastic answer: Why yes! I find myself in a musical quite often. Why, just recently I was walking down the street on an unsually sunny day and I suddenly burst into a song worthy of Rodgers and Hammerstein. As I traveled along my path, the various townspeople I passed joined me not only in my walk, but also in my song, until I found myself in the middle of town, where everyone joined me in the town square as our song reached its culmination. Truthful answer: No. I’ve only been in the audience of a musical.
26. Do you follow your own style or everyone else’s? I think I follow my own style. On the rare occasion that I take a style cue from someone else, it’s certainly not “everyone else”, as I find the latest thing that all the kids today must wear/have/watch/do to be fairly shallow and vapid. Of course, as a thirty-five-year-old man, were I to follow the same trends as “all the kids today”, it would come off as desperate and creepy, so there’s another reason that I avoid it.
27. What’s the last store you bought from? I picked up a magazine from Barnes & Noble a couple days ago. That’s probably the last purchase I made.
28. In retrospect, have you ever let a person use you a lot? For sex? Not as much as I would have liked. In general? Not very much. I am pretty resistant to being used, though I am willing to do a lot for people who aren’t users and who appreciate my efforts.
29. What are you doing two days from now? Masturbating? I’m going to say masturbating. This is something I enjoy, and the likelihood of my doing so on any given day is high.
30. Did you ever believe there were monsters in your closet? There was a period in my early childhood where I didn’t actually believe that there were monsters in my closet, but I worried that at some point there might be. My parents’ bedroom was directly behind my own, and there was a passage between our two closets. I never heard a noise coming from their bedroom that made me think there was something in the closet, but knowing about the passage I did worry that something (a monster, naturally) could come and get me from their room while I was focused on keeping something from coming to get me through my bedroom’s main entrance.
31. When you graduated high school, did you let random people sign your yearbook or just close friends? As in, people I didn’t go to school with? No. The only people I let sign my yearbooks were those whose picture, or at least whose name, appeared in it. As for random people who attended my school, if asked I did exchange a signature with someone who was technically not a friend, i.e. a casual acquaintance or someone I’d seen regularly in the halls and at school events.
32. Would you consider adopting a child that had a mental illness? At the risk of sounding like a completely heartless asshole – something I may be, but I honestly don’t believe that I am – I probably wouldn’t. This is in no way meant as a judgment of mentally disabled children, or children with disabilities in general. This is more of a judgment of myself. I’m the father of a very active child. She’s wonderful and I wouldn’t change anything about her, but she takes so much out of me that it’s a wonder I am able to function at the end of an average day with her. Parenting is difficult though rewarding, and only the strong and committed need apply. The parents of disabled children have my respect, as while I am optimistic that I would be able to properly raise such a child, I consider myself very fortunate that the challenges I face daily as a parent are comparable to those faced by most parents. It’s not that I feel that a mentally disabled child isn’t worthy of my love, my time or my effort. It’s that I know my limitations, and given the extra work raising such a child would require, I would be very wary of letting said child down.
33. Does thinking about death scare you? Mine? Not really. This is not to say that I am in any way ready to die, that I am particularly comfortable or at peace with the thought of dying, or that when the time comes I will face Death bravely and go with him (or her) willingly. For all I know, even if I live a long and dignified life, when my time comes I will lose my shit completely and begin begging, bargaining, or offering anything – or anyone – nearby in trade. At the very least, I would rather not die anytime soon, as there is much that I still want to experience in life. But generally speaking, the thought of my death isn’t particularly scary, and I hope that it is painless. The thought of my loved ones dying, however, chills me to the very bone. Especially since becoming am a parent, the thought of harm coming to those I love is crippling if I give it much thought. Of course, it is for this reason that I do my best to avoid thinking about it.
34. If you died, do you believe that you go to Heaven or Hell and where would your spirit go? I’m going to say neither, as without having any definitive proof I don’t really believe that either place exists. However, I will play Devil’s Advocate here and say that, assuming that the idea of a traditional Hell exists and that this is where sinners spend eternity after they die, Hell is most certainly where I would go, as the Christian church and many other religious denominations seem to have a zero-tolerance policy for heathens such as myself. Through the sin of lust alone I would probably have condemned myself to eternal damnation years ago, as I think about sex pretty often. Maybe not every single waking moment, but I’d say that most waking moments. And quite a few asleep ones as well. Fortunately I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, so I’m not stressing out over it.
35. Who did you last write a snail mail letter to and why? I haven’t a clue. Keeping consistent with my answer to one of the questions last week, I have no recollection of the ins and outs of my snail mail activities (when I used to have any). I literally cannot recall the last time I affixed a stamp to anything, much less to a letter and to whom this letter was mailed.
36. Do you care what people say or think about you? I care what some people say or think about me, sure. I want the people whose opinions I respect to think positive things about me, but if these people are, for whatever reason, determined to think poorly of me, I am not inclined to alter myself or my behavior in order to influence their opinions.
37. Have you ever been threatened? Depends how you mean it. When I was less mature I dated attractive women and sometimes I felt threatened when guys hit on them even though they were with me. I can be pretty competitive, and I didn’t take kindly to such incursions. Naturally the fact that I attracted women who encouraged other guys’ advances, as well as my own reaction to this behavior, is an indication of my insecurity at the time. Now I’m married and pretty secure not only in myself but in my relationship as well, and when Jill flirts or is flirted with, it simultaneously flatters me and turns me on. As for threats of physical violence, these are limited to the standard childhood and adolescent threats from bullies, though I’m hesitant to include these as they hardly count; and a couple women I dated who threatened to inflict great bodily harm on me when they learned that I have female friends. In general, I’m not particularly violent or confrontational, and I find that serious threats are essentially much non-existent.
38. Which side of your family do you get most of your qualities from? Definitely my Dad’s side more than my Mom’s. I’ve been closer to my Dad’s side than my Mom’s for the majority of my life, and I think my qualities, both positive and negative, come from my paternal grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and yes, my Dad as well.
39. What was the last thing with alcohol that you drank? I had a couple highball glasses of Irish whisky on Friday, and Jill told all of her followers on Twitter that I was too drunk to fuck her. (I wasn’t.)
40. Have you ever kept a relationship a secret? Not my own, but I have tried to keep a friend’s relationship a secret so as to prevent a vengeful ex from finding out. The vengeful ex found out anyway. It’s hard to keep that sort of thing a secret, especially in the current information age in which we live.
Bonus #1: What did you last draw? I used to draw frequently. From childhood to adolescence drawing was something I greatly enjoyed, and I could kill a sketch pad in a matter of just a few days. In college, I used to save my class notes not for the information contained therein, but for the copious doodles I would draw in the margins. I would draw pastoral landscapes, surreal scenes, still lifes, bad-ass action heroes, monsters, and scenes of violence so graphic that, had a teacher seen them in 2011 rather than 1991, I would have been sent to the counselor’s office where I would have fervently denied that there was anything wrong at home and news reporters would still have shown up on my front lawn to talk to my parents. These days, though, I don’t draw very much. The last thing I drew may well have been a very rough sketch of SpongeBob SquarePants for the purposes of amusing my daughter.
Bonus #2: Do you lick envelopes or tape them shut? Envelopes? Like for mailing a letter? As in a piece of personal correspondence (i.e. not a utility or credit card bill) which is physical in nature (i.e. not an e-mail) but is not a greeting card? Something that begins with “Dear [name]”, includes a few lines of text and closes with “Sincerely, [name]”, “Love, [name]”, “Fondly, [name]” or some similar sentiment? I’m pretty sure I used to lick them, but it’s been awhile since I mailed anything.
Bonus #3: What was the last thing you drank? A glass of water.
Jill’s Answers
21. What was the last song you listened to that wasn’t sung in English? I can’t think of one. Pass.
22. One of our SS players generally leaves a critical comment on our memes. Which is fine. All’s fair. Do you let meme authors know when you hate their memes? No. If I don’t like it, I just don’t do it. I remember skipping a TMI Tuesday once because we didn’t care for the questions. I can be critical when a situation calls for it, but I don’t think that a blogging meme will affect anyone’s life.
23. What TV show would you like to be on? I think I would like to be on a game show, one where I can win lots of money and fabulous prizes. Maybe Wheel of Fortune, but back in the old days when you used to be able to buy those overpriced prizes with the money you won. Unfortunately, you had to spend the whole amount, which meant $15 decks of playing cards. Sometimes they used to put the remainder on a gift certificate to Service Merchandise, but they’ve been out of business almost ten years now. And remember, once you win a prize, it’s yours to keep!
24. What was the last video game you played? I’m not sure. It’s been awhile. Something on the Wii, probably.
25. Have you ever been in a musical? If yes, do tell. I was in a production of Tom Sawyer when I was in the eighth grade. I know it’s not usually performed as a musical, but this time it was.
26. Do you follow your own style or everyone else’s? I follow my own style. I don’t really pay attention to trends, and when I do, by the time I notice something is in style, it’s on the way out.
27. What’s the last store you bought from? I bought a Princess potty for the baby from Toys ‘R’ Us today.
28. In retrospect, have you ever let a person use you a lot? I get asked to do a lot of different things for people, because I am pretty outgoing and generous with myself and my time. So I guess that, yes, people in general sometimes do use me. My own fault for letting them, of course.
29. What are you doing two days from now? Work, followed by a dental appointment. If there’s anything else planned, it must be a surprise because Jack hasn’t told me about it.
30. Did you ever believe there were monsters in your closet? When I was younger I did. I always made my parents check the closet before I went to bed, and the closet door had to remain shut while I slept. I’m not sure what I thought might be in there, but whatever it was, I didn’t want to know about it.
31. When you graduated high school, did you let random people sign your yearbook or just close friends? Mainly friends.
32. Would you consider adopting a child that had a mental illness? I would be open to it, yes. I think I would adopt a child with a mental illness if we had the opportunity and the financial means.
33. Does thinking about death scare you? Yes. It terrifies me, especially since having a baby. The thought of dying scares me, and so does the thought of my friends and family members dying.
34. If you died, do you believe that you go to Heaven or Hell and where would your spirit go? I would probably go to Heaven. I assume that they don’t really care about all the dirty but consensual sex I’ve had in my life. I can only hope that they’ve got more important things to worry about.
35. Who did you last write a snail mail letter to and why? I sent a thank-you letter to a friend in return for a birthday gift.
36. Do you care what people say or think about you? I really wish that I could say no, but I do care. I’m more concerned with how my relatives (and to a lesser extent my friends) perceive me. I guess I’m not as preoccupied by the opinions of random strangers or even casual acquaintances. But growing up, it was essential to me that I not disappoint my parents (who admittedly were not overly restrictive). I have carried this way of thinking into adulthood, and while I think it has helped me to be a better person, to some extent I feel as though I am sometimes inhibited by it.
37. Have you ever been threatened? Honestly, I don’t think so. If someone threatened me, they were so subtle about it that I never noticed.
38. Which side of your family do you get most of your qualities from? My Dad’s. His side of the family is more tight-knit, and he and most of my relatives on his side are warmer and more nurturing. My Dad’s side of the family also really knows how to throw a party and have fun, and I like to think that I have inherited this quality as well.
39. What was the last thing with alcohol that you drank? A Pisco Sour while at a dinner party with friends.
40. Have you ever kept a relationship a secret? No. I’ve always been very open and honest, and I don’t really believe in keeping secrets.
Bonus #1: What did you last draw? I drew a piranha on Friday. I was teaching my class to draw with shapes, and a piranha was the animal that tied into the oval shape.
Bonus #2: Do you lick envelopes or tape them shut? I lick them. It’s a good way to stay in practice.
Bonus #3: What was the last thing you drank? Water with dinner.

A Ridiculous Petition; or Won’t Somebody PLEASE Think of the Children?

jackandjillcpl1 Comment
Posted in CVS Louis CK One Million Moms Petition Rite Aid Sex Toys Sex-negative right-wing idiots Walgreens written by Jack
I learned of this petition through the Tumblr account of adult retailer Babeland, and immediately felt an angry rant boiling up inside me. I decided that rather than divide my thoughts into approximately one hundred 140-character Tweets, I’d instead post them here. The petition, which comes to us from a website called One Million Moms.com, is aimed at forcing major drugstore chains Walgreens, Rite Aid, and CVS to remove “v*br*tors, d*ld*s and other s*x toys” (censorship theirs) from their websites. Here is the text of the petition.
Adult Toys Sold on Pharmacy Websites
There is a problem when websites for drug stores start looking like adult fantasy stores instead of a place for medical needs. We are highly concerned when adult toys are being sold online in the least likely places. Online filters may not catch this, and children are stumbling onto these sites by accident.
One of our supporters reported that her child found this on Rite Aid’s website. After checking around, our research proved Rite Aid is not the only offender. Walgreens and CVS (not nearly the quantity as the other two) are also at fault. When is it ok to sell v*br*tors, d*ld*s and other s*x toys on a drug store’s website? (An asterisk ‘*’ is used to ensure our emails get through to those who have signed up for our alerts. Otherwise specific words referenced would be blocked by some internet filters.)
At these sites, there is not a warning of any kind. These websites have online shopping available, and under “Sexual Wellness” or “Sexual Well-Being” there are pages of adult toys offered on the Rite Aid and Walgreens sites. CVS had one, and you have to type in the search box to find it.
TAKE ACTION
Please send an email letter to Rite Aid, Walgreens, and CVS requesting they no longer sell adult toys on their websites. Urge them to remove all s*x toys immediately or you will be shopping elsewhere.
Send Your Letter Now!
NOTE: If you see a commercial or program which is offensive, email us the information. Many of you have done this, and it is very helpful.
First off, I feel that the women in charge of One Million Moms.Com, or at least this petition, would greatly benefit from a vibrator, preferably one designed for G-spot stimulation. Ladies, it’s far too obvious that you are sexually frustrated. A vibrator may not bring you flowers or cuddle with you afterwards, but it also won’t mention the weight you’ve gained since you bought it, or fall asleep before you’ve gotten off. In the remotely slim chance that anyone involved in this petition, from writer to signer, is reading this, let me emphatically repeat my point: Vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, nipple clamps and other toys marketed toward adults (i.e. not your children) are a good thing. They make the world a better place. I suggest you buy a couple, and I suggest you buy them from Good Vibrations, Babeland or Smitten Kitten, as these three stores are reputable, ethical, and above all, sex-positive. Which, now that I think of it, might be a problem for you.
I take issue with the first sentence of the petition. Adult fantasy store? Unless I can buy a gimp mask, a flogger and a dismembered replica of some random porn star’s genitalia and anus, I refuse to think of my neighborhood Walgreens as an adult fantasy store. Because let’s face it, if all they carry are vibrators, dildos and the like, they don’t qualify; when most people think of vibrators, etc., they probably don’t think “exotic fantasy”, but instead think “attainable reality.” And who’s to say that a sex toy isn’t a legitimate medical need? I know that when I go more than a day without an orgasm I come dangerously close to snapping, and in the case of the ladies of One Million Moms.Com, sexual frustration has obviously caused their heads to recede up their own asses, which is probably very dangerous. If they’re going to try and make the argument that a sex toy is not a medical need, I demand that they present their medical degrees to me in person so that I may tell them to their faces how full of shit they are.
They also state that “children are stumbling onto these sites by accident.” Seriously? Kids are stumbling onto drugstore websites? While I find this unlikely, I will play along and pretend that this is something that could be happening en masse. Let’s say, just for the hell of it, that Walgreens’ website is one or two letters away from a popular children’s website. I’m too lazy to make one up; please come up with something similar to “Walgreens” that would appeal to children as I’ve literally got nothing. So all of these fat-fingered children are making the same typographical error that leads them to one of three major chain drugstore websites. What I can’t pretend, however, is that said children are accidentally stumbling upon sex toys once they’re there. I would have assumed that when kids mistakenly find themselves at a website that holds little to no interest for them, they would just retype the web address until they get it right, but apparently a popular activity amongst children is to type the word “dildo” into any search box they encounter.
At this point I need to note that there is no language in the petition about removing these items from store shelves. Walgreens, Rite Aid and CVS do not carry adult products of this nature in their stores. And if they did, while I wouldn’t particularly care nor would I support a petition to remove them from the shelves – remember, commerce is voluntary, at least in the United States – I might think that the people behind this petition were less batshit insane than I do right now. My daughter is still a baby, but I imagine that at some point in the future Jill or I (hopefully Jill) will have to explain to her what a vibrator is, though I hope that this occurs after we see one in a movie, or even in a drug store, and not when she finds one of Jill’s many toys in her nightstand drawer, or in the shower, or perhaps on the sink in the master bedroom where it’s undergone post-usage cleaning but hasn’t yet been put away. But we’ll certainly have that discussion if and when it becomes necessary, because the alternative, advocated by One Million Moms.Com, is to make sex toys less available, and this isn’t something with which we are comfortable.
I could almost be okay with this petition if the motivation was different, i.e. if rather than trying to protect our children, they were trying to protect the old folks of the world, such as our parents and grandparents. Older people are much more likely than children to browse a drugstore website, don’t you think? I think that including sex toys on a retail website that my parents – or my grandparents, if I had any still alive – might browse poses a real risk. I take comfort in my relative certainty that if my Mom somehow stumbled upon a vibrator while looking for some sort of anti-inflammatory ointment, she would most certainly never bring this fact to my attention, but the truth is that my biggest nightmare is having to, for whatever reason and under whatever circumstances, view a sex toy that my parent or parents are also viewing. This one trumps all the traditional nightmares. Naked in public? No big deal, I’ve been there. Forgot to study for a test? Yes, frequently when I was in college. Maniac with razors on his fingers chasing me through a boiler room? Hasn’t everyone been through this? But if I’m walking past an adult store with my parents, and sex toys are visible, I don’t want to live anymore. There’d better not be a uniformed cop anywhere in the vicinity, because I’m grabbing something shiny and running toward him or her full-speed.
I was hoping to avoid ranting about personal responsibility when it comes to raising and communicating with one’s children, but it needs to be said: Parents who bitch about what their children see and do online need to do a better job monitoring their kids’ web surfing habits, or at the very least fostering a safe and open environment in which the child knows that communication is encouraged. It is your responsibility, and if you truly believe that your child glimpsing a vibrator, out of context on a retail website, is going to cause him or her irreparable damage and turn him or her into some sort of hairy-palmed, Hell-bound chronic masturbator, then the onus is on you to prevent him or her from looking, even though by doing so you are almost certainly causing more harm than good. Parenting means occasionally talking to your child and answering questions. You owe it not only to your child, but to the legions of consumers who would like to buy a sex toy from Walgreens, Rite Aid or CVS, and who would be impacted negatively by your refusal to take responsibility and be honest. It’s this attitude that is partially to blame for the backlash against marriage equality. Comedian Louis CK said it better than I ever could:

Like when you see someone stand up…on a talk show and say, like, “How am I supposed to explain to my child that two men are getting married?” I don’t know. It’s your shitty kid. You fucking tell him. Why is that anyone else’s problem? Two guys are in love but they can’t get married because you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for fucking five minutes?

The fact is, your children could stumble upon these sites. But they probably won’t. If your kid is deliberately going to Walgreens, Rite Aid, or CVS’s websites, I suggest you find out why. When I was a kid, nothing was more boring than a chain drugstore, even before they took out the ice cream counters. The toys were overpriced, and the magazines were out of date. Those were literally the only two sections of the drugstore that I found even slightly interesting. If your kids are deliberately going to one of these websites, it’s a safe bet that they are looking to buy over-the-counter drugs in bulk in order to sell them at school. What’s more, they are using your credit card to pay for them. But take comfort in the fact that your kids are probably just ordering the drugs and then going to another website; chances are they aren’t sparing a moment to look at sex toys. Alternately, I suppose they might be going to these websites in order to search specifically for dildos and vibrators, but if that’s the case Walgreens and the others are not to blame.
Note the final two lines of the petition:
NOTE: If you see a commercial or program which is offensive, email us the information. Many of you have done this, and it is very helpful.
While I am tempted to point out that someone who actively monitors the airwaves for something to get offended by is the worst sort of time-wasting parasite I can imagine, I would really just like to state that one may only exercise his or right to be offended as long as it doesn’t impact someone else’s rights, be it the right to sell sex toys, or the right to purchase them.
In the process of writing this entry, I actually went to Walgreens, Rite Aid, and CVS’s websites to confirm that they carry the “offending” products. Given these three chains’ mainstream, middle-of-the-road reputations, I expected to see a few back massagers of the sort that can be repurposed for intimate use. I typed “dildo” into Walgreens’ search box and six items came back! Granted, there were none of the traditional phallus-shaped latex, silicone rubber or Cyberskin dongs I am used to seeing in adult toy stores, and a couple of them were battery-operated, i.e. vibrators. One item, the Tantus Alumina Pace, was a very nice looking butt plug that is, according to the website, equally suitable for vaginal use. I read the following under the product description: “Putting Pace in a cup of hot water before playing is an amazing sensual surprise.” When was the last time you got advice like this from a drugstore? Thank you, Walgreens!
All told, Walgreens’ website features, in addition to the aforementioned six dildos, 327 vibrators (!), eighty-four massagers, and four “intimate massagers”. Searches for “erotic massagers” as well as butt plugs returned no results. CVS, on the other hand, features six vibrators, fifty-four massagers, one “erotic massager” and eleven “intimate massagers”. Again, no butt plugs, and a search for “dildo” returned no results but they did ask if I was trying to type “did.” Rite Aid, on the other hand, was a total boner-killer. Searches for dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, massagers, intimate massagers, and erotic massagers all returned zero results. Just to make sure their website was working correctly, I typed in “Ibuprofen” and got two results. I wonder if they never carried these items, and One Million Moms.Com went off half-cocked and assumed they did after seeing sex toys at the other two sites; or if they carried them and, bowing to pressure from terrified Middle American soccer moms, stopped.
After doing some browsing, I found that both Walgreens and CVS carry a variety of items from adult manufacturer Lelo. I considered ordering myself a Lelo Bo, but decided I’d be better off getting it from one of the reputable, ethical and sex-positive companies I mentioned earlier.
-Jack