Written by Both

Formspring Friday: Extremely Sexy

jackandjillcpl4 Comments
Posted in extreme Formspring Formspring Friday kink meme Power Exchange sex club TMI weekly feature Written by Both
what’s the most extreme sexual act/encounter you have both experienced together?
In case you’re reading this blog for the first time, I need to state for the record that we’re not exactly the sort who consider their sex life “extreme”.  Varied?  Certainly.  Frequent?  No doubt.  Satisfying?  Even if you’re new here, you must know the answer to that.  But not exactly extreme in the sense that we require a fifteen-thousand-foot freefall or a depth of a hundred and fifty fathoms below the surface of the ocean in order to get off.  Electric shock, humiliation, amputation – these are all legitimate kinks that add a significant boost to people’s sex lives.  Not ours, though.
Make no mistake, we don’t consider ourselves vanilla by any means.  We’ve always stated that kink is relative.  One person’s wild and crazy new experience is another person’s passé been-there-done-that.  Many of the people to whom we’re closest would undoubtedly consider some of the sex we’ve had together to be far outside their comfort zone, if not flat-out wrong.  Fortunately neither of us lives our lives – sexual or otherwise – with anyone’s approval in mind.  
Our brand of “extreme” really isn’t all that extreme.  For us, stepping out of the realm of normalcy usually involves exhibitionism and voyeurism, and perhaps a little risk.  Webcamming, semi-public sex or masturbation, or on the rare occasion that the opportunity presents itself, having sex in close proximity as other people, whether we are actually interacting with them, or more likely just enjoying the voyeurism and exhibitionism.  It’s not something that we do often enough for our liking.
The most extreme sexual act or encounter that we have experienced together was likely our October 2011 visit to Power Exchange, a sex club in San Francisco, California.  We’d gone there more or less on a lark, hoping to people-watch and then cross “visit a sex club” off of our bucket list before hopefully returning home full of sexual excitement, and fucking until the morning light.  We hadn’t intended to actually have sex in front of a crowd of spectators, but we did.  And despite the fact that it wasn’t our ideal experience at a sex club, it was a very fun evening.  You can read all about the night in question here.
If you want to ask us anything, drop us a line on Formspring, or use the handy Formspring widget on the right-hand side of our blog.  We like sexy questions!  To see who else participated this week, visit Twitter and search for #FormspringFriday!

TMI Tuesday: May 22, 2012 – The Inverted Poll

jackandjillcpl12 Comments
Posted in C.H.U.D. Golden Rule humor manholes meme opinions pie Pope Benedict Reality TV sex-positive TMI TMI Tuesday vagina cookies weekly feature Written by Both

This TMI Tuesday is brought to you by Virtual Sin.

Oh. You didn’t mean inverted pole dancing? 
In many polls, you are asked if you strongly agree, somewhat agree, neither agree nor disagree, somewhat disagree or strongly disagree with some proposition. Today, we go the other way. We supply the answer, you supply the question.
Jack’s Answers
1. Tell us something with which you strongly agree, or greatly like.
I strongly agree that sex is a normal, natural part of human development, and therefore something that should be embraced.  Sex is healthy and positive, and there is no reason for the inexplicable taboo that surrounds it.  The right-wing nutbags who are so vehemently against sex while at the same time so pro-Jesus should understand that sex is our God-given right, and that the God they profess to love so much invented the clitoris – and slapped one onto every female He supposedly created – for the sole purpose of sexual pleasure.  Seriously – there isn’t a damn thing procreative about the clitoris.  What do you have to say about that, Rick Santorum?

“Clitoris?  I’m sorry, but I’m unfamiliar with that term.”

2. Tell us something with which you somewhat agree, or somewhat like.
I somewhat like pie.  I’m not crazy about it; I doubt it would rank among my top five favorite desserts.  But if it’s offered at a dinner party or some manner of social gathering and there doesn’t happen to be any ice cream, I’ll graciously take a slice of pie, and I’ll probably enjoy it, even if it’s not the wisest use of the calories.

My all-time favorite dessert?  Vagina cookies.

3. Tell us something to which you are indifferent, or have no opinion.
Manholes.  I understand that they serve a purpose in society, but if they affect my life at all, they do so in ways I can’t even perceive.

I know C.H.U.D.s use manholes to come to the surface, but that doesn’t necessarily make me dislike them.

4. Tell us something with which you somewhat dislike or disagree with.
Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but I was a huge fan of Dennis Miller going back to his tenure on Saturday Night Live.  I was one of only four viewers who tuned in to his syndicated late-night talk show that aired in 1992.  Two years later I followed him to HBO where I was smitten with his sensible libertarian views (he stated in the wake of U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders’ 1995 dismissal that “a surgeon general who speaks her mind about sex education, teen pregnancy, and preventative health care doesn’t deserve to be surgeon general, she deserves to be the fucking President of the United States”), as well as the same smart-assed demeanor I’d come to enjoy on Saturday Night Live, here aided and abetted by copious usage of the word “motherfucker”.  His vulgarity earned him the ire of conservative groups, some of which accused him of being a liberal – something that Dennis certainly was not.  Despite the fact that he frequently sided with Gingrich against Clinton, many of Dennis’ opinions and indeed the intelligence of his humor made me even more of a die-hard fan than I already was.  In fact, I was such a fan that I found myself defending Dennis to friends and relatives during his ill-advised stint co-hosting Monday Night Football in 2000 and 2001.  And then the Towers fell, and Dennis took a hard right turn, shifting from championing a hypothetical female president (just not Hillary) and ranting against “rich, white, entitled, scotch-drinking, secretary-chasing old-school hacks” to swearing fealty to one of the richest, whitest, most entitled hacks ever to befoul the Oval Office.  Dennis’ comedy went from literate and thoughtful to reactionary and racist.  He regressed from a comedian to a right-wing pundit, a wannabe shock jock who aspired to the clueless bombast of a Don Imus and the hate-rhetoric of a Michael Savage.  While I suspect that some of Dennis’ views on social issues still correspond with my own, and while I may rewatch a recording of his HBO show or an old Weekend Update segment on Saturday Night Live, there’s nothing Dennis is likely to do in the future that will be fit for human consumption.  Of course, that’s just my opinion.  I could be wrong.

What happened to you, Dennis?  You used to be cooler than Fonzie and the other side of the pillow combined.  Now you’re Ann Coulter’s cabana boy.
5. Tell us something with which you strongly disagree, or greatly dislike.
I disagree that my marriage, divorce, affair, abortion, addiction, faith, or lack of faith is any of your business.
Bonus: What is an opinion held by others that makes you angry?
That sex is only for procreation; that anything sexual enjoyed by two consenting adults of any gender is wrong, immoral, or unlawful (with the possible exception of cannibalism); that fundamental human rights should not be enjoyed by 100% of the world’s population.
Jill’s Answers
1. Tell us something with which you strongly agree, or greatly like.
I strongly agree with the Golden Rule, and I do my best to live my life by it.  I believe that you should treat others the way you wish to be treated.  You should set the example that you would like others to follow.  But the reverse is also true:  If I or someone else treats you kindly, or with respect, you should reciprocate in kind.  The Golden Rule extends to the way I raise my daughter.  By my actions I demonstrate right or wrong, and hopefully she follows my lead.

Not what I was referring to.

2. Tell us something with which you somewhat agree, or somewhat like.

I agree somewhat with the values I was taught growing up in the Catholic church.  That is to say, I selectively retain some of what I was taught, while ignoring the things that don’t suit me, specifically those things I know to be contrary to my own beliefs.  I feel that people should respect others.  I feel that people should be honest.  I believe that family is important, and that one should respect and honor one’s parents (provided that they’re not abusers).  I believe in community, and I do my best to give back to the community in which I grew up.  However, this is really where the church and I part company.  I don’t believe that most of the choices people make with their own lives are the business of anyone but themselves.  I don’t believe that LGBT individuals are somehow evil or immoral, or that they should be shunned.  I don’t even believe in the “hate the sin, not the sinner” bullshit that seems to be a popular thing for religious people to say these days.  I do not feel that women who get abortions are bad people or that they’re going to Hell, if Hell even exists.  I don’t believe that a child who dies without having been baptised will go to Hell (again, if Hell exists).  The concept of original sin is like manufacturing a computer that’s full of viruses just so the purchaser will have to pay for expensive anti-virus software forever.  

In this analogy, the Pope is Bill Gates.

3. Tell us something to which you are indifferent, or have no opinion.
I don’t care at all about reality television and I do my best to avoid it.  I don’t partake in conversations about it at work.  It makes me weep to hear that people I look up to, people I respect and admire, are hooked on Big Brother, The Bachelor, Celebrity Apprentice, Real Housewives of Wherever the Fuck, Who Wants to Pimp My Mom, Jon and Kate, and The Show With Little People Who Have Normal-Sized Children.  I don’t give a shit about the Kardashians, or Snooki’s baby daddy, and in fact I’m a little bit ashamed that I even know that Snooki is pregnant.  On the other hand, I kind of like that show Chopped, with four different chefs competing to make a unique dish out of the same ingredients.

4. Tell us something with which you somewhat dislike or disagree with.
I somewhat disagree with the way the parents of my students are raising them.  It seems like parents today feel that they can’t discipline their children, even verbally.  Because of the threat of C.P.S., they let their kids do whatever they want, including but not limited to misbehaving, acting disrespectful and even violent, and essentially walking all over them.  I disagree with the belief that I am supposed to teach my students manners because their parents can’t be bothered or don’t know how.  I disagree with the idea that I should have to deal with the psychological and emotional issues that bad parenting caused, and the behavioral problems that bad parenting enabled.  I disagree that I am supposed to be a psychiatrist, a nurse, a referee, and a zookeeper in addition to being a teacher.  Actually, you know what?  I don’t disagree with this somewhat.  I disagree with this pretty strongly.  Unfortunately question #5 was the first one I answered, so when I got to this question I had to dial down my vehemence.
5. Tell us something with which you strongly disagree, or greatly dislike.
I strongly disagree that marriage is the right of only certain individuals.  I also strongly disagree that the government should have any say in the matter, nor should it be able to limit the rights afforded to married couples, including legal protection, insurance benefits and pension, family leave, hospital visitation, medical decision-making, the ability to file joint tax returns, and child custody.

Let’s not forget the right to go on a national talk show and make an ass out of yourself. 

Bonus: What is an opinion held by others that makes you angry?
That if you enjoy sex, and if you’re open to exploring different aspects of your sexuality beyond what mainstream society considers “normal”, you deserve to be judged harshly.  That we should only fuck for procreation, under the covers, with the lights off, in the missionary position.  That sex is harmful or detrimental to a happy life, and those who take sexual initiative and deviate from the norm, whether by swinging, group sex, polyamory, exhibitionism and voyeurism, or simply having sex for the fun and the joy of it, you are a bad person.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Formspring Friday: Weird to Watch

jackandjillcpl3 Comments
Posted in abnormal Formspring Formspring Friday meme non-monogamy normal TMI voyeurism weekly feature weird Written by Both

i would like to watch my husband have sex with his ex is that weird?

Disclaimer:  In my opinion, words like “weird”, and for that matter “normal” and “abnormal”, don’t really fit into the context of sex and sexual desire.  Applying “normal” standards to what turns somebody on is just another way for the mainstream to control human sexuality, stigmatize free sexual expression, and force people into a box, so to speak.  On to your question:

I don’t think it’s weird at all, but then “weird” is a relative term.  There are undoubtedly plenty of people out there who would disagree with me, but I see nothing wrong with your desire to watch your husband have sex with his ex.  You don’t specify why you want to watch, but I know that Jill found the prospect of watching me with one of my exes exciting mainly because she wanted to see how my performance differed between when I had sex with my ex and when I have sex with her.  Additionally, Jill is a voyeur, and likes the idea of watching something private, of watching two people (or more, possibly) let their guard down and become vulnerable.  There’s something powerfully erotic about that scenario.

Is it normal?  Well, that depends on who you ask.  Sex-negatives and die-hard monogamists who disapprove of extracurricular sex would likely find the scenario you describe deviant, and the thought of letting one’s significant other stray outside the boundaries of his or her commitment morally wrong.  Others would say that it’s normal to have such a desire and perhaps even normal to act on that desire, but might caution you against letting your husband have sex with his ex as there may still be feelings below the surface.  Still others would say that your interest in watching your husband have sex with his ex is not only perfectly normal but completely hot, and if all three of you are equally into it, and if there’s absolutely no possibility of still-smoldering emotions on their end or jealousy on yours, why not give it a shot?

Bear in mind that it’s possible you won’t know how you’ll really feel about watching your husband have sex with his ex until you’re actually in the situation, and by then it may be too late.  It might be the greatest turn-on you can imagine right now, when it’s still an abstract concept.  But once he’s inside her, doing things that were previously reserved for you, your feelings could very well change.  Even if you’re certain now that you won’t be jealous, what if you’re mistaken?  Even if you aren’t prone to jealousy, what if watching your husband and his ex simply turns you off, and alienates you from him?  I’m not in any way implying that you don’t know your own feelings, but we’ve heard stories of people who were so focused on their partner’s pleasure that they neglected their own.

I note that while you say you would like to watch your husband have sex with his ex, your question could be interpreted as relating to a fantasy as opposed to something you are interested in pursuing and making a reality.  If that’s the case, no one’s opinion should matter except your own, and possibly your husband’s.  No fantasy that remains completely in one’s mind can be harmful in and of itself.

However, if you are hoping to turn this fantasy into a reality, the first step is discussing it with your husband.  Is he into it?  I know that there are several exes of mine that Jill would probably enjoy watching me fuck, but I’m not getting in touch with them for anything.  Is the ex someone with whom your husband is still in touch, and with whom the topic could be discussed comfortably?  In other words, has she become a born-again Christian?  Is she married to someone who is under the delusion that she was a virgin when they met?  Is she incarcerated or institutionalized?  If your answers to these questions are all “no”, that’s potentially very promising.  Additionally, if you don’t think it’ll be anything more than a fuck – again, no chance of those pesky emotions rearing their heads – I don’t see a problem.

I’m no authority.  If there are any points I’m missing, I’d appreciate a heads-up from anyone more knowledgeable than I.

-Jack
If you want to ask us anything, drop us a line on Formspring, or use the handy Formspring widget on the right-hand side of our blog.  We like sexy questions!  To see who else participated this week, visit Twitter and search for #FormspringFriday!

TMI Tuesday: May 15, 2012 – Fine Dining

jackandjillcpl11 Comments
Posted in dinner drink food Funny humor Mark Ruffalo meme Star Wars TMI TMI Tuesday weekly feature wine Written by Both
You are having dinner at the best restaurant you can imagine. Do not concern yourself with over-eating, or other restrictions. We want to know what you like best. What will you have for:

Jack’s Answers
1. Before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail?
We’re pretty typical.  During the standard large family dinner outing, we will make for the bar or lounge and have a round while we wait for our table.  Other times, we are seated immediately and enjoy a drink while chatting and perusing the menu.  More often than not, I’ll order an Irish whiskey, neat.  Jameson and Paddy’s are preferred; I’m not crazy about Bushmill’s.  

Nothing against the whiskey itself; I’m just not crazy about anything that includes the word “Bush”.

2. Appetizer?
I’ve never met an hors d’oeuvre I didn’t like; however, there are some I like much more than others.  As the entree I generally order is beef, I find that seafood makes an excellent complement.  Therefore my first choice will be coconut shrimp with an orange marmalade-based dipping sauce.  A good alternative might be fried calamari or crab cakes.  I should also point out that when I read “appetizer”, the first thing that came to mind was the Aussie cheese fries served at the Outback Steakhouse chain.  Consistently named the worst restaurant dish in America by various consumer advocacy and health publications, a single order of these fries delivers almost 3,000 calories.  Given the “Do not concern yourself with over-eating, or other restrictions” bit, I was almost tempted to choose these.
3. Soup?
Again, I am operating under the condition that this mythical meal will somehow not result in the further clogging of my arteries, and that I will manage to offset the damage the food does to my body with a few hours of strenuous physical activity, likely involving sex with Jill and any other sexy female bloggers who’d like to help prolong my life and optimize my physical health by climbing aboard and going for a ride.  Thus, I will choose New England clam chowder, as I’m a fan of cream-based soups, and of the numerous varieties of clam chowder New England is the only one I enjoy.  As a backup choice I’d order corn chowder, as it’s got all the warm, creamy goodness of clam chowder, though sadly none of the clams.
4. Salad?
Ah yes, salad.  Here’s where we get healthy.  Here’s where we undo all the damage I’ve done to my body with the two previous courses.  Since anything served in a salad bowl is bound to be good for you, I’ll take a garden salad, please.  Easy on the lettuce, though you can pile on whatever seasonal vegetables you like.  Then cover the whole thing in extra-chunky blue cheese dressing.
5. Wine or other beverage with dinner?
My first choice would be a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon.  I’m not a wine snob by any means, though I do enjoy drinking it, and whenever convenient or conducive to a good meal, I try to pair wine with food for maximum effect.  Should Cabernet Sauvignon be unavailable, I’d probably go with Merlot, made from a versatile grape that is wholly undeserving of its bad reputation.

This guy’s got a lot to answer for.
6. Entree?
I’ll have the filet mignon topped with blue cheese crust.  I’d like that medium to medium-rare.  I’ll pair it with a Maine lobster tail.  If beef is unavailable – say, for instance, that we’ve crossed into an alternate reality in which the raising of cattle for food is against the law – I’ll have the calamari steak, grilled or breaded and lightly fried; or perhaps a salmon fillet.  
7. Side Dishes?
I’ll go with a loaded baked potato, the perfect accompaniment to a good steak if there ever was one.  Additionally I’ll go with creamed spinach as, in my old age, I’ve come to appreciate this simple and delicious dish, and associate it with high-end steakhouses.  If we’re in that crazy alternate universe where steakhouses have been replaced by fish markets and I’ve just ordered the calamari steak, then switch my baked potato for garlic mashed potatoes, but keep the creamed spinach.
8. Dessert?
My favorite dessert is ice cream.  I can eat it any day of the week – or better still, every day of the week – whether it’s summertime or the dead of winter.  I like ice cream the way Cookie Monster likes cookies.  I’ll eat it plain or with toppings, in a bowl or on a cone.  In fact, I wish I had some ice cream right now.  However, for all of my insistence that ice cream is where it’s at, I don’t see myself sitting through a several-course meal at “the best restaurant [I] can imagine” and then ordering ice cream.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, especially if the restaurant features ice cream on the menu.  It’s just that, under the circumstances, I’m likely to order something denser, along the lines of cheesecake or carrot cake.  If I’m looking for something lighter, I might go with some manner of cheese and fruit platter.
9. After dinner drink?
I enjoy a glass of barrel-aged port or brandy after a sumptuous meal.  If I’m having brandy I would prefer Armagnac or Cognac, as those are the brandies with which I’m most familiar.  However, as I write this I find myself craving a nice orange Muscat, a variety of dessert wine popular in California.  I imagine that it would nicely complement the aforementioned cheesecake.

I said “orange Muscat”.
10. Which 3 people would you invite to dinner: (must be famous, well-known, living or dead, not fictional)
– For sex appeal
These questions are difficult.  I tend not to care about famous people sufficiently to go out of my way to have contact with them.  I can’t relate to celebrities, and the truth is, when I think “sex appeal”, I’m either thinking of someone I know personally, or one of the many sexy online friends with whom we’ve come into contact through blogging and tweeting.  The truth is, I can’t think of very many famous people who turn me on enough to name.  Certainly not any contemporary famous people.  But if I had to choose someone sexy to invite to dinner, make eyes at across the table, and hopefully fuck when all is said and done, I’m thinking it’s going to be Cindy Crawford circa 1992.  Hey, if I can bring someone back from the dead for the purposes of this dinner, I should be able to return a living person to the age of my choice.
– For great conversation
Jesus?  Okay, kidding.  There’s no way I could narrow my answer down to just one person.  Upton Sinclair.  W.E.B. Du Bois.  John F. Kennedy.  Bill Clinton.  Judy Blume.  Barack Obama.  John Waters.  Jane Addams.  William Jennings Bryan.  Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  Gary Gygax.  Rachel Kramer Bussel.  Frank Sinatra.  Dean Martin.  Sammy Davis, Jr.  Margaret Sanger.  Dr. Ruth Westheimer.  Dr. Joycelyn Elders.  Kurt Schmoke.  Ernest Hemingway.  Jon Stewart.  Mohandas Gandhi.  Martin Luther King, Jr.  Forrest J. Ackerman.  Andrew Carnegie.  Richard Dawkins.  Jim Morrison.  Dan Savage.  Stan Lee.  Roger Corman.  Bill Hicks.  Asia Carrera.  Jack Kerouac.  Christopher Hitchens.  Raymond Carver.  I could probably compose a blog post listing nothing but the various individuals I admire and with whom I’d enjoy conversing over a meal.
– Because you detest them
Why would I invite to dinner someone I detest?  What sort of purpose would this serve?  Am I supposed to refrain from washing my hands between going to the bathroom and prepping their meal?  Is it so I can feed them before I take them out to my game preserve and give them a head start before donning a pith helmet and hunting them like a common animal?  I’m not certain why this sub-question involves a person I detest as opposed to, say, a person I admire.  While I suppose that a person that I admire could have been a suitable answer to the previous sub-question, just because I admire someone doesn’t necessarily make them great at conversation.  You know what?  I’m going to go with Hitler.  Why?  Because why the fuck not?  Is there anyone more universally despised throughout the course of human history?  I would opine that there is not.  At the moment, Hitler has the perhaps unique distinction of being so widely hated by such an overwhelming margin of humanity that the people who don’t consider him a mass murdering piece of shit are considered crackpots by the rest of society.  A major plus about inviting Hitler to dinner is that rather than actually serving him a meal I could kill him, thereby disastrously affecting the course of human history.   (I imagine that I’d have to go back in time to, say, the 1920s in order to make this happen; I couldn’t somehow bring Hitler into contemporary times, because then it’s too late.)
Bonus: Your lover brings you breakfast in bed. What’s on the tray?
A bagel, lightly toasted, with cream cheese; and bacon that’s not too crispy.  Additionally, I’ll have a glass of orange juice.  Some pulp is okay, but I don’t want the kind with lots of pulp.

And when I’m done I’ll eat her pussy.

Jill’s Answers

1. Before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail?
I like a glass of wine before a meal.  Wine tends to make me warm and tingly, and that’s always a good way to start an evening.  I would order a nice Syrah, because lately that’s what gets me to my warm and tingly place.

So does this guy.

2. Appetizer?
I would order either a grilled artichoke with mayo or garlic aioli, or coconut shrimp.  It really depends on the time of year.  During the summer months I am more likely to go for the artichoke as it is a lighter dish, whereas if I am eating at Elway’s in Denver it’s going to be the coconut shrimp every time.  [Editor’s note:  Elway’s menu currently lists this item as $16 for three shrimp.  I hope you’re saving your pennies, my dear.]
3. Soup?
Soup has really never been my thing.  It always makes me too hot, and usually fills me up so much that I can’t enjoy my entree.  in the past, if I was eating soup at a restaurant, it was usually a taste of Jack’s and then back to my salad.  But recently I discovered tomato bisque.  It’s my new favorite soup.  Tomato bisque is creamy and delicious, and if made correctly it tastes like Heaven must taste.  In fact, I enjoy it so much that lately I’ve begun to order it as an entree.
4. Salad?
If the restaurant can prepare the blue cheese pecan chopped salad that I sometimes order when we go to Outback Steakhouse, I’d get that.  It’s such a wonderful combination of flavors and textures and is probably my favorite salad at the moment.  If the restaurant cannot prepare that salad, I think I’ll just have a Caesar.  (But they should be able to prepare it, shouldn’t they?  It’s supposed to be the best restaurant I can imagine.)
5. Wine or other beverage with dinner?
Keep the Syrah coming, please.  I’ve got a nice buzz going, and I would really like to maintain it as long as possible.

Not that kind of buzz.

6. Entree?
I’ll have the filet mignon, served medium rare.  That means it has to be seared on the outside, juicy and delicious on the inside.  It needs to melt in my mouth like butter.
7. Side Dishes?
I always get a baked potato when I order a steak.  It’s got to be loaded, too: butter, sour cream, bacon, chives, and shredded, almost melted cheese.  If I can have two sides, I’ll get creamed spinach.  Lately, we find ourselves ordering creamed spinach at a lot of premium steakhouses.  When prepared correctly, this dish is a perfect complement to a good steak.

Not to be confused with a perfect compliment to a good steak.

8. Dessert?
I’ll have the crème brûlée, but not just any crème brûlée.  The custard has to be mixed with rich, melty chocolate on the bottom, and there has to be crispy caramelized bananas on top.  While out to lunch for Mother’s Day, the restaurant we were at treated us to just such a crème brûlée for dessert.  Now I don’t think I can go back to regular crème brûlée.
9. After dinner drink?
The only thing that could possibly make me give up my Syrah glass is an Irish coffee.  After a delicious meal, I love sitting at the table with my siblings, cousins, parents, aunts, and uncles (and of course Jack), enjoying the tastes of the coffee and the whiskey together, as well as the conversation and the sense of closeness to my family.
10. Which 3 people would you invite to dinner: (must be famous, well-known, living or dead, not fictional)
– For sex appeal
This one’s easy:  Harrison Ford.  Doesn’t matter whether he’s playing Han Solo at age thirty-five or Indiana Jones at age sixty-six, he’ll always be one of my longest-running celebrity crushes.  

– For great conversation
It’s got to be William Shakespeare.  I imagine he’s got many stories to tell over a dinner of barbecued burgers and homemade fries or, if he’s feeling particularly adventurous, carnitas tacos.
– Because you detest them
Ann Coulter.  Few people are more loathsome in my eyes.

Bonus: Your lover brings you breakfast in bed. What’s on the tray?
Coffee, orange juice, and a Ramos fizz to drink, plus sourdough toast, bacon, and a multi-layered parfait made of raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, vanilla yogurt, and granola.  And if he wants to include his sausage I’ll eat that too.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Thank you to Virtual Sin for this week’s TMI Tuesday.


Formspring Friday: The Dark Side

jackandjillcpl3 Comments
Posted in dark desires Darth Vader Formspring Formspring Friday kink Star Wars taboos TMI weekly feature Written by Both

If you’re looking for our Flash Fiction Friday story, it can be found here.

What is your darkest desire?

It doesn’t get much darker than this.
Jack’s Answer
I hate questions like these.  Let me rephrase that:  I have nothing against questions like these, but I always feel like my answer is going to sound like a cop-out, or like I’m otherwise not being completely honest.  I want to do the question justice and give an in-depth, thoughtful response, or at the very least a response that does a better job answering the question than I suspect I’ll be able to give.
The truth is, I don’t have any especially dark desires.  Most of my fantasies and desires are, for lack of a better word, typical.  They’re the kind of thing that I’ll wager most guys are into:  Multiple women, blowjobs, fucking, orgasms, whatever.  These things are mainstream.  And while I’m certain that there are those who would regard much of what turns me on as out-there and unattainably exotic, these people are beyond vanilla.
The stuff that I enjoy that isn’t typical – voyeurism, exhibitionism, public sex – is still not all that dark.  I don’t really go for the so-called taboo stuff.  I’m not secretly into guys.  Pegging doesn’t turn me on.  I’m not particularly wowed by BDSM, at least not to the extent that many of our fellow bloggers are.  Femdom?  Not my thing.  Rape fantasies?  Meh.  Never really saw the appeal, personally.  Furries?  Seems like a lot of work to me, though I can admit to finding those costumes visually impressive.  
Okay, you’re really going to make me come up with something dark, aren’t you?  Something you wouldn’t necessarily know to look at me?  How about the fact that I love to rim Jill, especially when she’s fresh from the shower?  It’s true.  Her ass tastes sweeter than most vaginas I’ve sampled, and I could do it for hours.  Read about it in this week’s Wanton Wednesday.
The thought of watching Jill have sex with another guy is hot as well.  If it was something I was certain she was really into, I’d indulge her in a heartbeat.  I don’t think what I’m talking about is cuckolding, exactly; I don’t want to be cheated on, and I’m not into the humiliation factor that I understand most cuckolds enjoy.  For me, the appeal of this fantasy is split between the voyeurism aspect and knowing that Jill is enjoying herself.
Jill’s Answer
While I would consider myself kinky, I don’t think my sexual desires are the kind of things that most people would consider dark.  When I hear the word “dark” in relation to sex, it brings to my mind things like humiliation, rape fantasy play, extremely painful types of bondage, bloodplay, coprophilia, necrophilia, and even bestiality.  These are things that do not turn me on.
On the other hand, a lot of the things that do turn me on are the kind of kinks that I believe I would be judged for enjoying.  Most people would probably regard them as kinky at the least, if not flat-out dark.  These turn-ons include group sex (especially two or more men interacting with me at once), mild BDSM (including being blidnfolded and restrained, though never gagged as my mouth needs to be accessible at all times), and equal parts exhibitionism and voyeurism.
My darkest desire, then, would involve being with two or more men.  I would be blindfolded and likely restrained as well, probably handcuffed or tied to a bed.  The men begin touching me:  Kissing my lips, sucking my breasts, slapping their cocks against my face, fingering my dripping pussy.  I have to guess who is kissing me, touching me, fucking me.  I am restrained, so I am not allowed to touch them at first.  Later, maybe the roles can be reversed.  The men are tied up and blindfolded, and I get to experiment with my dominant side.
I mentioned that I’m really into exhibitionism and voyeurism.  With regard to the indulgence of my exhibitionist side, it turns out that the room we’re playing in has a full-length (wall-to-wall) two-way mirror, and there is an audience seated on the other side.  I can’t see them or hear them, but I know they’re there, and the thrill of being ravished by several hot, hung guys (and later having my way with them) is intensified by the knowledge that our every move is being watched.  Maybe it’s being recorded as well.  After it was all over, what better way to indulge my voyeuristic tendencies than by watching the recording over and over again.
Oh, and this isn’t exactly an established fantasy of mine.  I came up with it on the spot.  You’re welcome!
If you want to ask us anything, drop us a line on Formspring, or use the handy Formspring widget on the right-hand side of our blog.  We like sexy questions!  To see who else participated this week, visit Twitter and search for #FormspringFriday!

TMI Tuesday: May 8, 2012 – M is for Masturbation

jackandjillcpl13 Comments
Posted in Funny Han Solo humor masturbation Masturbation Month meme Rob Liefeld sucks Star Wars TMI TMI Tuesday weekly feature Written by Both
Jack’s Answers
1. How often do you masturbate?
I shoot for once daily during the week, but it’s not always possible.  I have an extremely active two-year-old who doesn’t like to be penned up long enough for me to shower, much less have a prolonged encounter with myself.  It’s not as bad as it was when I wrote this; she’s grown much more self-reliant of late than she was even six months ago.  But normally, if I can masturbate three or four times a week, I’m happy with that.  
2. What are you doing to celebrate Masturbation month?
Jill and I are trying to masturbate at least once a day every day.  So far we’ve both been successful – some days we’ve even had more than one – and we’ll do our best to continue at this pace for as long as we can, even into June if possible.  As I said in my answer to #1, it isn’t always easy to sneak off for some self-love, though the reward is always well worth the effort.
3. Do you like to watch your partner masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. Not really, it’s boring.
d. No, it’s a turn off.
e. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
What?  No (f), I’ve never experienced it and I don’t want to?  Whatever…  Okay, seriously:  I’ll definitely go with (a), as watching a woman masturbate is one of the hottest things I can imagine.  Watching a woman masturbate is the kind of thing I used to fantasize about when I was younger and dated women who didn’t masturbate, didn’t know how, weren’t comfortable with their bodies or the idea of being watched, or had been raised to believe that masturbation was somehow wrong or unhealthy.  I feel sorry for these women, and I hope they’ve corrected their sexual attitudes for the sake of whoever they eventually married.
4. Do you let your partner watch you masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on to be watched.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. No, it’s embarrassing.
d. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
Of course I have.  I’m an exhibitionist.  I’ve let people who weren’t my partner watch me masturbate.  I hope they enjoyed it.  

5. Mutual masturbation? Yay or Nay?
Yay.  Very yay.  Other than intercourse, I sometimes eschew sexual activities that see both of us actively working toward the other’s orgasm at the same time; if I’m trying to make Jill cum, I want to enjoy the experience of her orgasm (as well as the buildup leading to it) without feeling like I have to also experience orgasm in order to justify her efforts.  It’s for this reason that we rarely sixty-nine.  That said, if we’re engaging in mutual masturbation it’s generally done as foreplay.  There’s no pressure to climax, and a good time is had by all.

6. If you had an all-expense-paid trip to San Francisco to attend Masturbate-a-thon 2012 would you go and masturbate? Why or Why not?
An all-expense-paid trip to San Francisco?  So, in other words if someone bought us a sixteenth of a tank of gas?

Admittedly, a sixteenth of a tank of gas isn’t as cheap as it was in the early 1990s.

The Center for Sex & Culture
Sunday, May 27, 10am-midnight
Arrive by 9pm
$40 minimum self-sponsorship; or bring sponsorship form with pledges

All genders, all orientations welcome to explore self-pleasure in a supportive group environment. Check the next newsletter for more detail about this year’s Thon, and join us to Come for a Cause!

All donations and pledges support CSC’s operations and programs.
Bonus: Are you addicted to masturbating?
I enjoy masturbation, both alone and with a partner, and I definitely get a lot of emotional and physical pleasure out of a self-induced orgasm.  It’s quite possibly the greatest of life’s simple pleasures.  To say that I’m addicted, though, would be an exaggeration of Rob Liefeldian proportions.

 This is not a healthy spine! This woman is clearly injured!

Jill’s Answers

1. How often do you masturbate?
I try to masturbate between four and six times during the average week.  During my work week, I usually get myself off in the shower, either with a waterproof vibrator or the hand-held showerhead.  I find that this really helps me focus and have a great day at work.  Of course, it’s likely that I will masturbate at other times during the typical day, especially if Jack and I are having sex.  We try to make masturbation a regular part of our sex play.

Not the “sex play” we were referring to.
2. What are you doing to celebrate Masturbation month?
Jack and I are really making a point of masturbating every day in order to celebrate Masturbation Month.  Additionally we are planning to attend Masturbate-a-Thon at the Center for Sex and Culture on May 27th.  
3. Do you like to watch your partner masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. Not really, it’s boring.
d. No, it’s a turn off.
e. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
I’ll go with (a), yes, it turns me on.  I love watching Jack masturbate.  There is something really sexy about a hot man who knows exactly what he likes and how to handle himself.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and catch Jack masturbating in bed beside me, especially if he’s stayed up much later than I have.  Sometimes I get to help him along or at least clean him up afterwards.  Other times, though, I know that he just wants a quick orgasm before bed and I don’t interrupt, even though I really want to and in fact the realization that he’s masturbating really gets me hot.

The realization that he’s folding laundry gets me even hotter.

4. Do you let your partner watch you masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on to be watched.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. No, it’s embarrassing.
d. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
Again, I have to go with (a).  It really turns me on to be watched while I masturbate.  I love having an audience, though Jack often joins in to help, or massages my thighs and feet while I pleasure myself.  He usually buries his face right in my pussy once I start to cum, or kisses me passionately.  If I ask, I sometimes get to suck his cock while cumming.  Now this I love!

5. Mutual masturbation? Yay or Nay?
Oh yeah!  Heck yeah!  That’s even more fun than solo masturbation.

Rowr.

6. If you had an all-expense-paid trip to San Francisco to attend Masturbate-a-thon 2012 would you go and masturbate? Why or Why not?
Luckily we are within driving distance and we plan on attending provided that we can find a babysitter for the day-long event.  We can’t wait!  I’m a little nervous, but very excited about a possible new experience.  I’m sure we will blog all about it.

http://masturbate2012.tumblr.com/


The Center for Sex & Culture
Sunday, May 27, 10am-midnight
Arrive by 9pm
$40 minimum self-sponsorship; or bring sponsorship form with pledges


All genders, all orientations welcome to explore self-pleasure in a supportive group environment. Check the next newsletter for more detail about this year’s Thon, and join us to Come for a Cause!


All donations and pledges support CSC’s operations and programs.

Bonus: Are you addicted to masturbating?
I enjoy it, but I wouldn’t say that I’m addicted to it.  I don’t have to touch myself everytime I have two minutes of privacy.  While I love masturbation, I much prefer being touched by someone else, and if I had to choose, I’d give up masturbation long before I’d ever give up sex.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Formspring Friday: Unusual Turn-Ons

jackandjillcpl8 Comments
Posted in clown porn Formspring Formspring Friday TMI unusual turn-ons weekly feature Written by Both

What is one thing that you think is incredibly sexy that most others wouldn’t?

Jack’s Answer

My turn-ons are pretty broad.  I go for all the typical stuff:  Full, round asses and soft, comfortable breasts where one can lay one’s head and drift off to sleep.  Sexy, pouting lips that hint at exquisite oral pleasure to come.  Long legs.  Pretty, scintillating eyes of any color.  I like personality, intelligence, and sense of humor.  I find all of these things arousing, and I acknowledge that most people probably do as well.  The fact is, most of what turns me on is fairly mainstream.  There is, however, one thing that comes to mind, and while it may not be universally sexy, it’s definitely not the sort of thing that no one finds sexy but me.  That one thing is glasses.

They say that boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.  If that’s true, then I suppose thanks are in order; because the boys refrained from showing their appreciation for the cute bespectacled young lasses, they enjoyed it all the more when I did.  Glasses are often a sign of intelligence – most people don’t screw up their eyes from watching too much reality TV – and frequently symbolize quirkiness or geekiness.  Often the preconception that comes with wearing glasses belie the reality, as most of the women I’ve known who wore glasses were quite wild and unpredictable.

Jill’s Answer

Watching a man interact with a baby or a small child is one of the biggest turn-ons that I can think of that doesn’t directly involve sex.  There is something very exciting about seeing a Dad (or an uncle or in some cases even a grandfather) hold a baby with confidence, kiss her gently on the head, and talk to her in a reassuring voice.  If he makes the baby giggle by tickling her or blowing on her belly, even better.  Watching a man rock a baby in his arms, or even dance while cradling her can provoke not only a physical reaction in me, but a very strong emotional reaction as well.  If the child is a toddler and he’s dancing with her standing on his feet, it brings tears to my eyes.

It really depends on the guy, of course, but watching a strong man be so tender and loving toward a child, without reservation or self-consciousness, is sexy.  A guy who I wouldn’t ordinarily find attractive can completely change my opinion based on how he acts with a baby.  I don’t know why I feel this way, but it’s very real to me.  I can’t be the only woman who is so affected by witnessing a man’s paternal instinct.  I see this a lot with Jack.  He’s hardly the sort of man to adopt a tough, macho exterior.  But when I see him hold our daughter, talk to her, or play with her, it melts my heart, especially if he doesn’t know that I’m watching.

If you want to ask us anything, drop us a line on Formspring, or use the handy Formspring widget on the right-hand side of our blog.  We like sexy questions!  To see who else participated this week, visit Twitter and search for #FormspringFriday!

TMI Tuesday: Let’s Talk About Sex

jackandjillcpl13 Comments
Posted in Funny Hair as Erogenous Zone Queef Sex Education TMI Tuesday voyeurism/exhibitionism Written by Both

Jack’s Answers
1. What sexual act arouses you the most? For that matter, what nonsexual act arouses you the most?
I like watching Jill – or any woman – masturbate. That’s a surefire way to get me worked up. If we’re talking about one- (or two-) on-one sexual activity, oral sex. That gets me pretty aroused. There are lots of things that I like to do sexually, but by the time I’m doing them I’m already aroused. So I’m going to say watching female masturbation, and oral sex. As far as nonsexual acts, eating, followed by depositing large amounts of money in my bank account.
2. What is your signature or “go to” move that is sure to get a lover in the mood for sex?
For Jill, it’s kissing her neck. This turns her into a puddle.
3. Do you queef?
I haven’t yet. I’m honestly not that curious to find out if I would. [EDIT: Technically speaking I guess I can’t queef, as it’s a bodily function that occurs in the vagina only. I suppose that expelling air out of the anus would just be a fart.]
4. What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to YOU as a result of your sex writings (e.g., blog, erotica, sex toy reviews)? (borrowed from Insatiabear)
Hard to say. Nothing immediately comes to mind. Despite the fact that we’re super-hot sex bloggers who Tweet naughty pictures and regularly participate in OHNT, we’re pretty much regular people and no aliens have seen fit to abduct us for nefarious sexual purposes. Although on Saturday we did go to a sex club as much for the purposes of documenting the experience on our blog as out of general curiosity. It still wasn’t that weird. I’m thinking “weird” would be, say, one of our followers recognizing my wife’s breasts in public.
5. Have you ever had sex while someone watched?
…someone else was in the room?
…someone else in the bed, next to you and the person you’re having sex with?
What were the circumstances?
Yes. Before I met Jill, a girlfriend and I used to have semi-regular same-room sex with another couple, and it was pretty hot. Since meeting Jill, we’ve had same-room sex with a different couple (in the dark), same-room oral, and invited a single friend of ours over to watch us fuck. We’ve also had threesomes, which included Jill and I fucking while our third watched, or possibly texted or checked Facebook on her phone. [EDIT: I’m not sure how neither Jill nor I remembered to include mention of our sex club adventures this weekend. They certainly qualify.]
6. When it comes to sex, and discussing it with your teen have you or would you:
a. Let school sex education handle it
b. Hand the teen a book or point them to a website
c. Talk frankly and openly
d. Avoid it all together–society, friends, and the internet will give all the info needed
I’m tempted to say (d), let society, the internet, etc. do our work for us. That’s how I learned about sex, and I have no regrets whatsoever. However, by the time our daughter is in need of sex ed, I can’t imagine what kind of information (or more likely, misinformation) will be circulating around the playground, be it an actual playground or a virtual one. Therefore I suppose we’d better do our job as parents and talk to her. You have no idea how badly I wish I could just refer her to a reputable and sex-positive website like Scarleteen, and leave it at that, but despite my innate lack of comfort talking sex with my child, I hope that I will overcome it and be able to use said website as a supplement to our talks. Then again, by the time our daughter is a teenager we might very well be nearing senility.
Click Here, it’s important
Bonus: Remember the song, “I’m too sexy?” CLICK to refresh your memory
What are you too sexy for?
My clothes. There is nothing that I can possibly wear that could make me hotter than I am without it.
Jill’s Answers
1. What sexual act arouses you the most? For that matter, what nonsexual act arouses you the most?
The sexual act that arouses me the most is probably being kissed all over my body, not just in the places you’d expect. My neck, my shoulders, my stomach, my thighs, my feet. Do that to me and you’ll make me very wet without even touching my pussy. The nonsexual act is definitely getting my hair washed. That turns me on so much that I once had an orgasm while at the hairdresser.
2. What is your signature or “go to” move that is sure to get a lover in the mood for sex?
In the case of Jack, kissing him while placing my hand on his cock, or placing his hand between my legs.
3. Do you queef?
Yes, sometimes when I’ve been fucked from behind. Sometimes Jack pumps a lot of air into me that way. It’s got to come out somehow.
4. What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to YOU as a result of your sex writings (e.g., blog, erotica, sex toy reviews)? (borrowed from Insatiabear)
I don’t think anything weird has happened as a result of our blogging and Tweeting. We have been asked by Eden Fantasys to review sex toys, and while it was out of the ordinary I wouldn’t say it was weird. Nothing really weird has happened to us, but I wouldn’t mind if something did, as long as it was hot.
5. Have you ever had sex while someone watched?
…someone else was in the room?
…someone else in the bed, next to you and the person you’re having sex with?
What were the circumstances?
Yes, I have done this. I frequently masturbate while Jack watches. I know that this isn’t what was meant, but I thought I would include it. I have had penetrative sex with other people in the room. Once, Jack and I invited a friend over to watch us have sex. It was really hot to think that he enjoyed our performance, even though he didn’t whip out his cock and play with it or anything. I’m happy to show off, but I prefer knowing that my audience appreciates it. In fact, before I met Jack I had sex with a guy I was dating, and his roommate came into the bedroom and watched and masturbated. He came all over the place. Now that was hot!
6. When it comes to sex, and discussing it with your teen have you or would you:
a. Let school sex education handle it
b. Hand the teen a book or point them to a website
c. Talk frankly and openly
d. Avoid it all together–society, friends, and the internet will give all the info needed
Our daughter is not yet a teen, so we have not yet addressed the topic of sex. We understand the need to possibly address it before the teen years, but at less than two years old, it’s probably not a priority right now. We understand that she will probably pick up some information from friends, as this is where Jack and I got much of our sexual education. But we would like to be able to have open, honest discussions about sex with her, and for her to feel like she can ask us anything without fear of punishment or ridicule. If she is not comfortable talking to us about it, as neither of us were comfortable talking about sex with our own parents, she has many aunts who are more than willing to talk with her about it.
Click Here, it’s important
Bonus: Remember the song, “I’m too sexy?” CLICK to refresh your memory
What are you too sexy for?
My job. There are things I do sexually that, if made public, could jeopardize my career.

Sunday Stealing: The W.T.F. Meme: Promoting A New, Great Meme

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Posted in Funny Not Sexy Sunday Stealing Written by Both

Today we ripped off a blogger named Jennifer from her meme blog W.T.F. She’s taken on the challenge of hosting a meme three times a week on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. The questions she asks are unique. She works hard at it and I asked if we might steal 20 random questions (her memes are usually 8 or 9) to both challenges our players and to promote her meme.
So we are asking you to join us starting Wednesday. We know it’s a long way to Hump Day and Jennifer’s next W.T.F. Meme on Wednesday. So if you like these questions, write a note to join us starting on this Wednesday! [NOTE: We may or may not do this.] We have nothing to do with her meme, other than enjoying participating in it. So I was happy when she gave me her permission to promote the blog in search of players. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
Jack’s Answers
1. One of my favorite TV shows recently changed the actors who played two characters. Have you ever been bothered by a TV show or movie series changing actors who play a character you love? While I’m sure I have been bothered, I can’t readily think of any instances in which this has happened and I have been particularly upset by it. Yeah, I know the example everyone points to is the Dick York/Dick Sargent switch on Bewitched, but other than the requisite “switching dicks” joke, it really didn’t effect me in the slightest. Bewitched went off the air four years before I was born, and I only ever knew of it as a syndicated rerun. And while I remember the changes that occurred on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Roseanne – the latter eventually changing back to the original actress near the end of the show’s run – neither one particularly bothered me. I suppose that, had a dramatic series I enjoyed been forced to recast, this might have affected me more than a sitcom.
2. A coworker recently shared a link to a blog listing the “five things you should know before dating a journalist.” As a journalist, I can honestly say the writer was spot-on. What are some things people should know before spending time with you?
1. I have a very dry and at-times unpredictable sense of humor.
2. If we have sex, you may never be able to have sex with anyone else ever again. (Needless to say, I never told anyone this during my single days, but they would certainly have been better off knowing.) While I am proud of my sexual abilities, this is not something about which I am particularly happy; I would much prefer it if I was a mediocre lover, and casual conquests didn’t become so clingy.
3. I’m a geek.
4. I watch very little television, and have almost zero interest in the current popular culture. I will do my best to keep up with any discussion thereof, but if our friendship requires that I watch Jersey Shore, it’s doomed to fail.
5. I’m a stickler for correct grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. I try not to judge anyone else for not adhering to the rules as I do, but it is admittedly difficult.
3. What is something you often do without realizing that you’re doing it? I’m kind of a smart-ass. Some people get this, and can tolerate my smart-assedness. Others don’t, but play along because they like me and want to be friends. As a result there have been occasions where I’ve said something that’s offended someone or that they’ve taken personally. But no offense was meant, and the last thing I would ever do is deliberately piss someone off. Well, most people, anyway.
4. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry? I don’t know. I don’t really get crazy scary fly-off-the-handle angry. I lose my patience, sure, but I don’t think anyone in my life causes me the sort of blood-vessel-blowing fits of anger described in the question. If someone made me that insane with rage, I doubt I’d keep them around very long. Even the people I’ve recently cut out of my life didn’t make me angry so much as they made me feel pity and think, “These people have no place in my life or the lives of my family.”
5. If a fairy waved a magic wand and gave you the house of your dreams, where would it be and what features would it have? As far as location goes, any relatively safe neighborhood in our general area is fine; we wouldn’t need it to be on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean (hello mudslides) or anything out of the ordinary. The house would need to sit on a couple acres of land and come with free landscaping for life. It would include at least four or five bedrooms, among them a large master bedroom with attached master bathroom; spacious state-of-the-art kitchen as we both love to cook; some sort of area, ideally a large room with a couch or other comfortable chair where I can surround myself with books and read, or bring my laptop and write; a media room suitable for watching movies alone or entertaining company; a large playroom (i.e. not a bedroom) for our daughter that can be easily reconfigured to suit her as she gets older and presumably brings friends to play; and a yard which would include a hot tub, outdoor kitchen, dining area, and a decent-sized lawn on which Jill and I could have sex under the sun or the stars.
6. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree? Definitely religion.
7. I used to talk in my sleep. In fact, I could carry on a conversation with someone when I was fully asleep, and my mom used this fact when I was a teenager to find out if I did anything wrong and was hiding it from my parents. If you were talking your sleep tonight, what do you think you would say? I usually go to sleep thinking about sex. (I’m usually thinking about it when awake as well.) I have no idea whether I talk in my sleep, but if I did I’m guessing I’d be talking about sex.
8. The fourth installment of the “Twilight” movie series (“Breaking Dawn Part I”) will be released in theaters soon. Movie theaters started selling advance tickets for midnight showings months ago. Have you ever attended a midnight premiere showing of a movie? Yep. I’ve done quite a few midnight premieres in my time. The most recent – and the only one since our daughter was born – was the last Harry Potter movie. Before we were parents, we used to go all the time, especially in summer as Jill’s and my own work schedules allowed the occasional night sitting in a movie theater until two-thirty or three. Now, though, such events are pretty rare, and judging by the crowd of hooligans at the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 showing we attended, this may be for the best. I’m not kidding. It felt like a prison riot in there.
9. On Tuesday, tigers, lions and bears were let loose in Zanesville, Ohio, by their owner before he committed suicide, leading to a hunt in which 49 of the animals, including 18 endangered Bengal tigers, were killed. How would you react if you saw “Caution exotic animals. Stay in your vehicle” being displayed on a road sign? I think I would have to obey the sign.
10. If a company opened a theme park aimed at adults, what would you name one of the rides? A Trip Through the Reproductive System. At one of two boarding stations fashioned to look like the testicles, riders board a several-seat car fashioned to look like a sperm cell, and blast off from the epididymis on a twisting, turning trip through the vas deferens and the prostate, and down the length of the penis before rocketing into the vagina, where their car will either take one path and zoom through the “egg” exit, or else find no egg and simply exit. (I’ve taken a note from the rides of the Disney theme parks as it’s been shown that variations minor and major make participants want to ride multiple times.)
11. Imagine you just moved onto Sesame Street. Which puppet would you want as your new roommate? I don’t know which one I would want, but I can think of a few I wouldn’t want. No Oscar the Grouch, for obvious reasons. No Elmo, because he’s an annoying dipshit. No Cookie Monster, because it seems like he’s got deep-rooted psychological issues and also because I doubt I’d ever get to eat a single fucking cookie while living with him. No Count, because he’s a vampire and I don’t want him trying to turn me or any women I bring home. Maybe the Amazing Mumford, because magicians seem to get a lot of action and I would be happy with his cast-offs. Whichever puppet I am saddled with, I would insist that the puppeteer be female, as I imagine our living arrangement will cause some sexual tension, and when this is eventually consummated I’d rather receive a handjob from a female puppeteer than a male one.
12. Have you ever had a weird crush on a famous person that didn’t make sense to you? I’ve never had a weird crush on a famous person that didn’t make sense to me. All of the famous people I’ve had crushes on have been appealing to me on some level, if not physically then for some other reason that is perfectly logical. The closest thing I can think of that would fit the question’s parameters is my desire to hate-fuck Ann Coulter, as long as there was no chance that she would become clingy.
13. If you get ten minutes to interview any celebrity of your choice, who would you like it to be? Some well-regarded and hot actress, singer or other celebrity. (Forgive me, but I haven’t a clue who fits these days. I’m that out of touch.) My reasoning is that ten minutes – or even five – is all I need to seduce this person. I have no desire to interview any random actor or actress for the purpose of asking them about their motivation in whatever role earned them the Oscar. I don’t have any interest in picking their brains. I don’t even care about being in their presence so I can say that I did. But sex? Yes, I’ll gladly have sex with someone for the purposes of making my friends jealous.
14. You’ve just won the complete DVD collection of all the movies starring one actor or actress. Which actor/actress would you pick? I’m going with Asia Carrera.
15. Actor George Clooney recently told People Magazine that he doesn’t use Twitter “because I will drink in the evening and I don’t want anything that I could possibly write at midnight to actually end my career.” What is something you’ve said through social media and then regretted it? I tend to be pretty cautious when social networking. Although, as a sometime writer, I find that a bit of alcohol helps the creative juices flow, I don’t usually Tweet, Facebook or blog while in an altered state of consciousness. When drinking I have occasionally said to Jill, “I hope I Tweeted that and didn’t post it to Facebook,” but I’m always kidding. I sometimes post political stuff which will occasionally get me a contradictory comment from someone who thinks along different lines, but I certainly don’t regret it. Oh wait! There was that time I checked into a nearby creek and stated that I was dumping a body there. I probably shouldn’t have done that. Oh well; water under the bridge, literally.
16. VH1 has re-introduced its hit show “Pop-Up Video,” which gives behind-the-scenes facts for popular music videos. What musician would you be most interested in learning behind-the-scenes facts about? I would like to know more about Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, specifically his favorite pizza toppings. He seems like a Canadian bacon kind of guy. Let me know when they air that one.
17. If you stumbled across someone’s personal written journal that was accidentally left in a public place, would you read any of the content? No. I’m not the sort to invade anyone’s private thoughts. And given that a nosy relative once read my own journal – yes, I kept a journal. So? – I’m doubly against such invasions of privacy.
18. What is the title of a self-help book that you’d never want to see on a store bookshelf? Blackmail Your Way to an ‘A’!
19. Many media outlets have been asking this question a lot this week… Which Halloween costume do you think will be overdone this year? I can think of a few, but while we were out last night we saw a multitude of Jack Sparrows. One of the people in our group was Jack Sparrow. There was an Asian Jack Sparrow at the next table, and one of the bartenders was also dressed like him. At the Power Exchange we saw at least two different Jack Sparrows: A tall and skinny one hung out in the lounge, while another stockier Captain Jack took part in a flogging scene downstairs.
20. Should a marriage license have a renewal date or expiration date, like a driver’s license? No. A marriage license isn’t a license to be or remain married. It’s a license to get married once. I have no idea whether such licenses actually do expire or require renewal if not used, but I would have thought that, upon actually getting married, the license expires, and would need to be renewed anyway. If it did expire over time, it wouldn’t be akin to terminating the marriage. That is what is known as divorce. This question made my head hurt.
Jill’s Answers
1. One of my favorite TV shows recently changed the actors who played two characters. Have you ever been bothered by a TV show or movie series changing actors who play a character you love? When I used to watch soap operas it would irritate me when they would change actors. I don’t remember ever being upset by this happening in a regular show that was not a soap opera, or a movie series.
2. A coworker recently shared a link to a blog listing the “five things you should know before dating a journalist.” As a journalist, I can honestly say the writer was spot-on. What are some things people should know before spending time with you?
1. I am very family-oriented. My family means a lot to me and anyone who spends a lot of time with me should be okay with my family. But they are great people, and they love to party, so I don’t think it will be a problem.
2. Lack of sleep makes me very easily irritated. It also causes me some short-term memory loss.
3. If you find my G-spot, you’d better have towels handy.
4. I am a teacher, which means that there is no other job in the world that I can do that will give me the slightest bit of satisfaction. Although actually earning a decent wage is probably nice too.
5. If you give me a plant, don’t expect it to be alive the next time you come visit.
3. What is something you often do without realizing that you’re doing it? I often play with my hair without realizing that I’m doing it. I run my fingers through it and play with my curls. Jack says it’s sexy.
4. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry? My first response would be to feel hurt by the actions of a callous or toxic person, as opposed to angry. Fortunately I don’t surround myself with this kind of person, so I don’t find myself being hurt or angry too often. Now if someone was to try and hurt my daughter, you would see some anger. But it wouldn’t last long as I would deal with the offense quickly and decisively and be back to my usual happy self.
5. If a fairy waved a magic wand and gave you the house of your dreams, where would it be and what features would it have? My dream house would be in our current area, as I like the weather and it’s close to not only family and friends, but the beach. It would have at least five bedrooms, four baths, and a huge kitchen with stainless steel appliances, marble countertops, and a Wolfe gas stove. The master suite would need to have a gas-powered fireplace as I don’t want to deal with wood. The huge backyard would include a gazebo and a pool, with an attached hot tub and fountain. Best of all, the house would have a four car garage that included four brand-new cars that were guaranteed never to break down. The house would come with free gardening and maid service, as well as a chef who didn’t cook every night, but did all of our grocery shopping and cooked when needed.
6. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree? I believe in treating everybody with respect regardless of their beliefs, politics or external qualities. I initially said treat others as you want to be treated , but I changed it as I think most people believe in this but don’t practice it.
7. I used to talk in my sleep. In fact, I could carry on a conversation with someone when I was fully asleep, and my mom used this fact when I was a teenager to find out if I did anything wrong and was hiding it from my parents. If you were talking your sleep tonight, what do you think you would say? I’d probably be talking about how hot it was to have so many hands caressing my body Saturday night while Jack sucked my breasts and fingered my pussy. In my dreams, however, in addition to the guys there probably would be a lot more women touching me (and being touched by me).
8. The fourth installment of the “Twilight” movie series (“Breaking Dawn Part I”) will be released in theaters soon. Movie theaters started selling advance tickets for midnight showings months ago. Have you ever attended a midnight premiere showing of a movie? I love midnight showings. I never went to any before I met Jack, but it’s something we have done quite a bit. After waking up at 5 AM, sometimes it can be a chore to stay up until a midnight showing ends. It can be even harder to get up at 5 AM the next morning. When we went to see Watchmen at midnight in March 2009, I remember really liking the movie, although I must have dozed off at one point or another because when we got home at about 3:30 AM, I asked Jack why Brad Pitt was in one scene of the movie. “He wasn’t in the movie,” Jack said with an incredulous laugh. “That was the trailer for Inglourious Basterds.” What can I say? I was exhausted. I would also like to explicitly state that there is no chance that I will be seeing Breaking Dawn at four in the afternoon, let alone midnight.
9. On Tuesday, tigers, lions and bears were let loose in Zanesville, Ohio, by their owner before he committed suicide, leading to a hunt in which 49 of the animals, including 18 endangered Bengal tigers, were killed. How would you react if you saw “Caution exotic animals. Stay in your vehicle” being displayed on a road sign? I’d stay in my vehicle, and then probably drive elsewhere for the day.
10. If a company opened a theme park aimed at adults, what would you name one of the rides? The Pleasure Zone. It would be a virtual-reality attraction where you have your deepest, most intense fantasies fulfilled in the course of a twenty-second ride.
11. Imagine you just moved onto Sesame Street. Which puppet would you want as your new roommate? Grover. He’s lovable and furry and he seems like he’d be fun. I would say Big Bird but he lives in a nest and I don’t want to live in a nest.
12. Have you ever had a weird crush on a famous person that didn’t make sense to you? I’ve had crushes on Kirk Cameron and Michael J. Fox, and both seemed valid at the time. It was the 1980s. To be honest I had more of a crush on their TV characters than on the actors themselves. My crush on Kirk Cameron seems weird today given his religious leanings which don’t appeal to me at all.
13. If you get ten minutes to interview any celebrity of your choice, who would you like it to be? I can’t think of any celebrities I find interesting enough to interview. I think I’m kind of over celebrities at this point in my life.
14. You’ve just won the complete DVD collection of all the movies starring one actor or actress. Which actor/actress would you pick? Maybe Tom Hanks? I like a lot of Tom Hanks movies.
15. Actor George Clooney recently told People Magazine that he doesn’t use Twitter “because I will drink in the evening and I don’t want anything that I could possibly write at midnight to actually end my career.” What is something you’ve said through social media and then regretted it? I don’t think I’ve ever done this. However, I’ve had to be very careful not to post anything fun I did after calling in sick to work. For example I’ve had to avoid checking in or Facebooking about fun trips we’ve taken. I wish I had some lurid story about accidentally posting a picture of my hoo-hah on Facebook that I could share with you. Or actually, I’m really glad I don’t have that kind of story. My point is, I’ve never done that.
16. VH1 has re-introduced its hit show “Pop-Up Video,” which gives behind-the-scenes facts for popular music videos. What musician would you be most interested in learning behind-the-scenes facts about? Billy Joel. He’s my favorite musician. I would like to know more about him, and I don’t feel like rooting around in his trash.
17. If you stumbled across someone’s personal written journal that was accidentally left in a public place, would you read any of the content? No. I wouldn’t want this done to me, and I prefer to treat people the way I would like to be treated. Jack has done much journaling and all of his writing is accessible to me, but the last thing I would ever think to do is read any of it unless asked to do so.
18. What is the title of a self-help book that you’d never want to see on a store bookshelf? Perform Your Own Colonoscopy and Save!
19. Many media outlets have been asking this question a lot this week… Which Halloween costume do you think will be overdone this year? For kids, Rapunzel. Thanks to Tangled, we’ve already seen lots of kids dressed up as Rapunzel. For adults, I’m guessing there are many people going as “Occupy Wall Street” protesters, or well-dressed “We are the 1%” people. We saw a few of those last night.
20. Should a marriage license have a renewal date or expiration date, like a driver’s license? Of course not! The whole point of licensing is for the state to get money. Mandatory renewals means we have to pay again. Fuck that.

TMI Tuesday: Not Related

jackandjillcpl11 Comments
Posted in Funny Not Sexy Shitty Kid Social Networking TMI Tuesday Violent Crime Report Written by Both

A fun random image to go along with some fun random questions

Jack’s Answers

1. Name 5 things you did more of before social networking (facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.)?
Note: These are things I did more of before I began taking part in social networking, not necessarily things I did before social networking actually existed.
1. Called people on the phone
2. Sent e-mails
3. Wondered how some nearly-forgotten acquaintance from junior high school is enjoying life.
4. Slept
5. Mocked smartphone owners for being unable to go five minutes without updating their Facebook status

2. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?
My daughter. (Presumably my wife is aware of the fire given the fact that it’s very difficult to sleep through my patented undignified “the-house-is-on-fire” screams of terror.) I would probably also grab oour wedding album, since I made the damn thing and it was a hell of a lot of work.

3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
a. What time did you go to bed last night?
b. What time did you wake up today?
I’m a night owl by nature, and I always have been. However, the fact that I have a daughter who is somehow both a night owl and an early riser means that I’ve had to adjust in the last year and a half. My mother says that this is simply history repeating itself, and having not been fond of sleep as a young child I am now blessed with a baby who feels the same way. I can’t tell you how many mornings I’ve had where, after negligible sleep at best, I’ve begged any theoretical deity out there to let her sleep just one more hour so I could also get some precious rest only to hear her calling me from her crib or worse, crying. It is for this reason that I look forward to, and will take unnatural delight in, waking her up for school when she gets older.
a. I went to bed last night at around 12:30 or 12:45.
b. I woke this morning around seven.

4. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?
Probably swear, likely at the kid, right to his or her face. (“You little motherfucker!” comes immediately to mind.) It’s instinct, really. I don’t know that I would swear out of anger but more out of a reaction to the shock and pain of having said child suddenly kick me. I’ve never been the sort to harm or even touch an unruly child, though I think I would be tempted. I realize that you don’t use physical violence in order to teach a child not to be physically violent; rather, I might harrangue the child verbally, especially if the child was older than, say, four and thus should most certainly know better. Additionally if there is a parent nearby, I think I would politely ask him or her to teach the child some manners.

5. What three things do you never leave the house without?
Pants, my left shoe, and my right one. This is the least amount of clothing I am generally wearing when I walk through my front door whether or not I am going for a run, taking out the garbage, getting the mail, or actually getting in a car and going someplace. I generally wear a shirt as well, though the question asked for three things, not four. If clothing does not count and I must come up with three other things, i.e. three accessories or personal effects, I will go with my phone, as I burst into flames if I am not reachable at all times; my wallet as I like being able to pay for things and drive a car, and that is where I usually keep any cash or cards, as well as my driver’s license; and my keys, which are necessary for locking my front door when I leave, and unlocking it when I return. In addition, I frequently carry my mp3 player, and a pair of ear buds if I’m out for a walk or run; spare batteries for my phone, as my phone uses power far too quickly and without them I am sure to burst into flames; a Canon PowerShot point-and-shoot camera for those occasions when I plan to take lots of pictures but don’t want to kill my phone batteries; and a pair of sunglasses, if necessary.

Bonus: Name a place that you visited last week that you’ve never visited before. Briefly tell us about the visit.
On Saturday we took the baby to a pumpkin farm on the coast, where she ran around like a madwoman, grateful to be out of the car after more than an hour’s drive. She attempted to pick up every single pumpkin she could find, and eventually picked out a small sugar pie pumpkin which, yes, Jill will make into a pie. I’m reasonably certain that I’ve never been to this pumpkin patch before, although as I understand it local elementary schools sometimes take October field trips there, and have for decades, which conceivably could mean that I went there when I was a kid. However, I am going to assume that I have in fact never been there, unless a photo surfaces of me standing by the sign at the main entrance.

Jill’s Answers

1. Name 5 things you did more of before social networking (facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.)?
1. Wrote letters
2. Made phone calls
3. Visited people
4. Read books
5. Listened to music

2. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?
Besides the baby? Our pictures and other things that can’t be replaced.

3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
a. What time did you go to bed last night?
b. What time did you wake up today?
I’m more of a morning person than a night owl. Because of my schedule, which includes frequent workouts and a forty-five minute commute to and from work (not to mention work itself), by nighttime I have absolutely no energy to spare, and I frequently fall asleep while putting the baby to bed. It’s a miracle that we manage to have as much sex as we do.
a. I went to bed around eleven PM.
b. I woke up this morning around 6:45 AM. I slept way too late, and left the house like – well, like it was on fire.

4. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?
I’d probably ask what the hell he or she thinks he’s doing. Then I’d look for a parent and bring the matter to the parent’s attention. Actually, something like this happened to me once, about eleven years ago. I was teaching a kindergarten class, and one of my students was misbehaving. When I tried to discipline him, he tried to run from the classroom. When I stopped him, he kicked me in the shin, leaving a permanent mark, and tried to run again. When I caught him, I took him to the principal’s office. The principal, having had numerous problems not only with this student but with his elder siblings, decided to call the police in order to get the parents to discipline their shitty kids. A violent crime report was filed, and I still have a copy of it someplace.

5. What three things do you never leave the house without?
My keys, and my purse and my phone. Initially I said “shoes” in place of “phone”, and Jack pointed out that this implies that I sometimes leave the house without pants or a top. I rarely do that anymore.

Bonus: Name a place that you visited last week that you’ve never visited before. Briefly tell us about the visit.
We went to the home of a female friend’s new boyfriend on Saturday night and hung out with them. We’d planned to pick up dinner for them but they’d already eaten, so Jack and I picked up food on the way and when we got there we hung out in the hot tub, drank wine, and had a great time.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!