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Click here for Part 2.
Day 21 Action: Movement is critical for our physical and mental health, and so is being playful. Think “ministry of silly walks” and move with purpose today.
This reminds me: I have a silly walk and I was hoping to obtain a government grant to help me develop it. Much to my disappointment, the guy at the ministry told me my walk wasn’t particularly silly. When I suggested that with a grant I could make the walk very silly, he gave me some excuse about the Ministry of Silly Walks no longer being properly funded. Frankly, I blame DOGE.
All kidding aside, I know how unhealthy being sedentary can be, so I try to stay active. And I know being playful is vital to one’s mental health, as being constantly serious seems like a sure way to lead an unfulfilling life. I should make a conscious effort to be more silly.
Day 22 Reflection: Let’s talk satisfaction and the afterglow that follows. When was the last time you were fully satisfied? And yes, it could be from anything…
My emotional satisfaction comes largely from my daughter’s love. Granted, I would never willingly put that burden on her shoulders, so I’m glad her love flows freely and she (presumably) does not see it as an obligation. Outside of that, I get satisfaction from my weekly support group, and my weekly writing meetup as well. It’s nice to feel like I belong somewhere. So the last time I felt emotionally satisfied was probably when I attended my support group, which as I write this was yesterday.
My physical satisfaction is probably tied to food. I could list some of the foods that I love, and that make me feel satisfied, but that could probably be a post unto itself.
The last time I was sexually satisfied? Awhile back some polyamorous friends invited me to a sex-focused weekend getaway. Although this wasn’t the last time I felt emotional satisfaction, there was a hell of a lot of that in addition to the sexual satisfaction.
Day 23 Action: Gratitude comes in all shapes and forms. Try saying 3 things that you are grateful for. Then think about 3 people you love being in your life.
I’ll list my three people first, because it’s easiest: My parents and my daughter. They’re the only people who have been in my life consistently the past couple years.
Three things that I’m grateful for are the roof over my head, easy access to food, and health insurance. Granted, those are necessities (albeit ones that a great many people do not have) and therefore perhaps a bit dry. So I’ll cite three arguably more interesting things:
1. Halloween. I love this time of year. I love all things spooky, and I love the segue from the unforgiving heat of summer to the cooler weather of fall (though it’s 79 degrees right now and I’ve got a fan pointing at me as I write this).
2. My niece. She is the one member of my wife’s family – my wife included – who has no trouble nor hesitation telling me that she loves and values me, and that she misses me when I am not around (which is most of the time).
3. Being allowed to have a relationship with my daughter post-separation. I know I already listed her as one of my three people, but this isn’t about her; it’s more about the fact that when my wife and I separated, she did not turn my daughter against me as the ex-husband of a past partner did with one of their kids, and as the ex-husband of a close friend has apparently done with both of theirs. Obviously there’s no reason why I should be denied a relationship with my daughter; I’m not a threat, and in fact I’m a loving father and a much better partner than I suppose one might think given the present circumstances of my life. But as I said, I’ve seen it happen with other people, and it’s one of my worst nightmares.
Day 24 Reflection: We are almost in the home stretch of this 30 day challenge. Let’s take a beat, and ask, how are we feeling about ourselves?
Honestly, pretty exhausted. This month has more travel and big events than I usually experience in the space of several months, and lots of doing things for other people, sometimes at least in theory at my expense. But I’m happy with the person that I am in this moment. I could be closer to self-actualization than I am at the moment, but why focus on what’s missing?
Day 25 Self Love: Today, choose your own adventure for self love and pleasure. This could be a glass of wine, bubble bath, or getting out your favorite toy!
Today I will be flying home from a different state. Perhaps I’ll treat myself to a drink at the airport bar. Unfortunately, any physical pleasure is probably going to have to wait until I get home. I don’t want to be put on the no-fly list.
Day 26 Reflection: Think about someone that you admire. Do you see them as a whole flawed person, or do they live on a pedestal in your mind?
I don’t really think I admire anyone. Maybe when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve seen clearly that everyone is flawed, and in many cases the people who are most in a position to be admired by me – think parents in particular – are supremely flawed. I guess I’m kind of begrudging with admiration. Maybe I admire myself. If so, I absolutely see myself as flawed, because I am.
Day 27 Action: Be the good you want to see in the world. Go out today and do one good deed. Pick up some trash, smile at a stranger, or thank someone in traffic.
I like to think that I do more good than harm. I don’t know if this is true, but I sincerely hope it is. It’s never my intention to do harm. That being said, while smiling at a stranger is increasingly difficult these days as I process a lot of frankly unearned shame over the collapse of my marriage, I know it’s something I need to do more of. I just don’t want to be perceived as a creep. I know that shouldn’t matter, and that if someone is inclined to view me that way for simply smiling as we pass on the sidewalk, that says more about them than it does me. However, I always wave someone in when we’re merging, and I always give a thank you wave when I’m the one waved in. And I hold doors open for people so often that it’s become something I’m known for among offline friends and family. I’m the guy who exits the building and holds the door open while glancing behind me to see if anyone else is trying to exit. I’d hate to thoughtlessly shut the door in someone’s face, in part because I don’t want that done to me.
Day 28 Reflection: Has a compliment ever stuck with you? What was said? Why do you think it mattered so much? When was the last time you complimented someone?
Ooh! A four-part question. I’m sure there have been a few compliments I’ve received over the years that I didn’t laugh off or otherwise disregard. Right now, though, the only one that comes to mind came from a somewhat flustered young lady I was trying to woo who told me, and I quote: “You are most sex.” Obviously she was trying to say that she found me the apex of hotness, and why shouldn’t she? I am quite hot. But for whatever reason, her nervousness, awkwardness, or a combination thereof – which for the record I found adorable – led her to express her feelings in the unorthodox manner quoted above. The reason it mattered to me is probably twofold: (a) It was a compliment about my sexiness, which at the time was kind of all that mattered to me. I’ve written elsewhere on this blog that for many years virtually every decision I made came down to “Which choice is more likely to get me laid?” That’s perhaps a slight exaggeration, but it’s essentially true. Someone could compliment my cooking, my writing, my thoughts on contemporary pop culture, or any of a number of other things and even if I’d never say it aloud, there’s a good chance my internal monologue was along the lines of “That’s great. Does it make me more sexually desirable to you?” Also (b) Her vulnerability in that moment, i.e. just blurting out a string of words that while technically intelligible don’t conform to English-language vocal patterns, as well as her ability to laugh about it afterwards, made her even more attractive in my eyes. As for the last time I complimented someone, it was directed at a fellow writing meetup attendee who shared a professional accomplishment with the group.
Day 29 Action: We are nearing the end of our journey together so it’s time for a goal. What is one thing you want to achieve in this moment, week, or year!?!
In this moment I’d like to get the last of these questions answered and schedule the post to publish on October 30. This week I’m hoping to show my daughter a good time on a trip we’re taking together. And as for this year, I think I’d like to complete the rough draft of my current long-form writing project.
Day 30 Self Love: The final challenge is to set your plan in motion!!! When you have finished, it is time to say out loud “I Love You” in the mirror! Congrats!!!
Well, I’m about to schedule this post. Everything is all set for the aforementioned trip. I guess all that I’ve yet to do is figure out a plan for my writing project – I guess sit down and finish it? – and tell myself that I love me!
Once again, I’d like to thank K-ghislaine for inspiring the last three posts, and for giving me something fun with which to preoccupy myself throughout October. If you’re so inclined, click the link and check out her website where she offers relationship coaching, deep thoughts on non-monogamy, and a lot of fantastic writing. While you’re at it, read more of her stuff on Medium, follow her on Bluesky and Instagram, and for that matter, check out her Patreon.