sex-positive

TMI Tuesday: May 22, 2012 – The Inverted Poll

jackandjillcpl12 Comments
Posted in C.H.U.D. Golden Rule humor manholes meme opinions pie Pope Benedict Reality TV sex-positive TMI TMI Tuesday vagina cookies weekly feature Written by Both

This TMI Tuesday is brought to you by Virtual Sin.

Oh. You didn’t mean inverted pole dancing? 
In many polls, you are asked if you strongly agree, somewhat agree, neither agree nor disagree, somewhat disagree or strongly disagree with some proposition. Today, we go the other way. We supply the answer, you supply the question.
Jack’s Answers
1. Tell us something with which you strongly agree, or greatly like.
I strongly agree that sex is a normal, natural part of human development, and therefore something that should be embraced.  Sex is healthy and positive, and there is no reason for the inexplicable taboo that surrounds it.  The right-wing nutbags who are so vehemently against sex while at the same time so pro-Jesus should understand that sex is our God-given right, and that the God they profess to love so much invented the clitoris – and slapped one onto every female He supposedly created – for the sole purpose of sexual pleasure.  Seriously – there isn’t a damn thing procreative about the clitoris.  What do you have to say about that, Rick Santorum?

“Clitoris?  I’m sorry, but I’m unfamiliar with that term.”

2. Tell us something with which you somewhat agree, or somewhat like.
I somewhat like pie.  I’m not crazy about it; I doubt it would rank among my top five favorite desserts.  But if it’s offered at a dinner party or some manner of social gathering and there doesn’t happen to be any ice cream, I’ll graciously take a slice of pie, and I’ll probably enjoy it, even if it’s not the wisest use of the calories.

My all-time favorite dessert?  Vagina cookies.

3. Tell us something to which you are indifferent, or have no opinion.
Manholes.  I understand that they serve a purpose in society, but if they affect my life at all, they do so in ways I can’t even perceive.

I know C.H.U.D.s use manholes to come to the surface, but that doesn’t necessarily make me dislike them.

4. Tell us something with which you somewhat dislike or disagree with.
Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but I was a huge fan of Dennis Miller going back to his tenure on Saturday Night Live.  I was one of only four viewers who tuned in to his syndicated late-night talk show that aired in 1992.  Two years later I followed him to HBO where I was smitten with his sensible libertarian views (he stated in the wake of U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders’ 1995 dismissal that “a surgeon general who speaks her mind about sex education, teen pregnancy, and preventative health care doesn’t deserve to be surgeon general, she deserves to be the fucking President of the United States”), as well as the same smart-assed demeanor I’d come to enjoy on Saturday Night Live, here aided and abetted by copious usage of the word “motherfucker”.  His vulgarity earned him the ire of conservative groups, some of which accused him of being a liberal – something that Dennis certainly was not.  Despite the fact that he frequently sided with Gingrich against Clinton, many of Dennis’ opinions and indeed the intelligence of his humor made me even more of a die-hard fan than I already was.  In fact, I was such a fan that I found myself defending Dennis to friends and relatives during his ill-advised stint co-hosting Monday Night Football in 2000 and 2001.  And then the Towers fell, and Dennis took a hard right turn, shifting from championing a hypothetical female president (just not Hillary) and ranting against “rich, white, entitled, scotch-drinking, secretary-chasing old-school hacks” to swearing fealty to one of the richest, whitest, most entitled hacks ever to befoul the Oval Office.  Dennis’ comedy went from literate and thoughtful to reactionary and racist.  He regressed from a comedian to a right-wing pundit, a wannabe shock jock who aspired to the clueless bombast of a Don Imus and the hate-rhetoric of a Michael Savage.  While I suspect that some of Dennis’ views on social issues still correspond with my own, and while I may rewatch a recording of his HBO show or an old Weekend Update segment on Saturday Night Live, there’s nothing Dennis is likely to do in the future that will be fit for human consumption.  Of course, that’s just my opinion.  I could be wrong.

What happened to you, Dennis?  You used to be cooler than Fonzie and the other side of the pillow combined.  Now you’re Ann Coulter’s cabana boy.
5. Tell us something with which you strongly disagree, or greatly dislike.
I disagree that my marriage, divorce, affair, abortion, addiction, faith, or lack of faith is any of your business.
Bonus: What is an opinion held by others that makes you angry?
That sex is only for procreation; that anything sexual enjoyed by two consenting adults of any gender is wrong, immoral, or unlawful (with the possible exception of cannibalism); that fundamental human rights should not be enjoyed by 100% of the world’s population.
Jill’s Answers
1. Tell us something with which you strongly agree, or greatly like.
I strongly agree with the Golden Rule, and I do my best to live my life by it.  I believe that you should treat others the way you wish to be treated.  You should set the example that you would like others to follow.  But the reverse is also true:  If I or someone else treats you kindly, or with respect, you should reciprocate in kind.  The Golden Rule extends to the way I raise my daughter.  By my actions I demonstrate right or wrong, and hopefully she follows my lead.

Not what I was referring to.

2. Tell us something with which you somewhat agree, or somewhat like.

I agree somewhat with the values I was taught growing up in the Catholic church.  That is to say, I selectively retain some of what I was taught, while ignoring the things that don’t suit me, specifically those things I know to be contrary to my own beliefs.  I feel that people should respect others.  I feel that people should be honest.  I believe that family is important, and that one should respect and honor one’s parents (provided that they’re not abusers).  I believe in community, and I do my best to give back to the community in which I grew up.  However, this is really where the church and I part company.  I don’t believe that most of the choices people make with their own lives are the business of anyone but themselves.  I don’t believe that LGBT individuals are somehow evil or immoral, or that they should be shunned.  I don’t even believe in the “hate the sin, not the sinner” bullshit that seems to be a popular thing for religious people to say these days.  I do not feel that women who get abortions are bad people or that they’re going to Hell, if Hell even exists.  I don’t believe that a child who dies without having been baptised will go to Hell (again, if Hell exists).  The concept of original sin is like manufacturing a computer that’s full of viruses just so the purchaser will have to pay for expensive anti-virus software forever.  

In this analogy, the Pope is Bill Gates.

3. Tell us something to which you are indifferent, or have no opinion.
I don’t care at all about reality television and I do my best to avoid it.  I don’t partake in conversations about it at work.  It makes me weep to hear that people I look up to, people I respect and admire, are hooked on Big Brother, The Bachelor, Celebrity Apprentice, Real Housewives of Wherever the Fuck, Who Wants to Pimp My Mom, Jon and Kate, and The Show With Little People Who Have Normal-Sized Children.  I don’t give a shit about the Kardashians, or Snooki’s baby daddy, and in fact I’m a little bit ashamed that I even know that Snooki is pregnant.  On the other hand, I kind of like that show Chopped, with four different chefs competing to make a unique dish out of the same ingredients.

4. Tell us something with which you somewhat dislike or disagree with.
I somewhat disagree with the way the parents of my students are raising them.  It seems like parents today feel that they can’t discipline their children, even verbally.  Because of the threat of C.P.S., they let their kids do whatever they want, including but not limited to misbehaving, acting disrespectful and even violent, and essentially walking all over them.  I disagree with the belief that I am supposed to teach my students manners because their parents can’t be bothered or don’t know how.  I disagree with the idea that I should have to deal with the psychological and emotional issues that bad parenting caused, and the behavioral problems that bad parenting enabled.  I disagree that I am supposed to be a psychiatrist, a nurse, a referee, and a zookeeper in addition to being a teacher.  Actually, you know what?  I don’t disagree with this somewhat.  I disagree with this pretty strongly.  Unfortunately question #5 was the first one I answered, so when I got to this question I had to dial down my vehemence.
5. Tell us something with which you strongly disagree, or greatly dislike.
I strongly disagree that marriage is the right of only certain individuals.  I also strongly disagree that the government should have any say in the matter, nor should it be able to limit the rights afforded to married couples, including legal protection, insurance benefits and pension, family leave, hospital visitation, medical decision-making, the ability to file joint tax returns, and child custody.

Let’s not forget the right to go on a national talk show and make an ass out of yourself. 

Bonus: What is an opinion held by others that makes you angry?
That if you enjoy sex, and if you’re open to exploring different aspects of your sexuality beyond what mainstream society considers “normal”, you deserve to be judged harshly.  That we should only fuck for procreation, under the covers, with the lights off, in the missionary position.  That sex is harmful or detrimental to a happy life, and those who take sexual initiative and deviate from the norm, whether by swinging, group sex, polyamory, exhibitionism and voyeurism, or simply having sex for the fun and the joy of it, you are a bad person.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Slut Pride!

jackandjillcpl3 Comments
Posted in double standard EdenFantasys sex-positive slut slut shaming sponsored post written by Jack

Of the two of us, I’m probably not the best person to analyze the word “slut”.  You know, seeing as I have a penis and all.  
While perusing EdenFantasys* I came across an article that suggests that, rather than embracing the word “slut” – a currently-popular movement to “take back” a piece of so-called hate speech and remove its power – women should abandon the term altogether.
I took some issue with this suggestion.  As the writer points out, there is an egregious distinction between the way society views promiscuous men versus how it views promiscuous women.  When I was single, I found it unfortunate that a woman who casually slept with me might be judged harshly for doing so.  My feelings weren’t entirely selfless; while I most certainly find society’s repressive double-standard a difficult thing to accept and my heart goes out to the unfairly-labeled fairer sex, my unwillingness to embrace such a double-standard stems partially from the fact that shaming women for their sexuality meant that they might conceivably abstain from having sex with me.  And that was simply unacceptable.
Efforts to take back the word “slut” are much like any other movement to reclaim a traditionally hateful or oppressive term.  According to Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt in their 1997 book The Ethical Slut, the word refers to “a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.”  Under this definition, a slut has sexual agency and confidence, and disregards social and religious norms regarding sexuality.
I agree completely with the writer’s suggestion that women are partially responsible for the slut-shaming that continues almost unchecked in society today.  While the neat and tidy definition of sex-negative misogyny primarily involves men, the truth is that for every Rush Limbaugh, there is an Ann Coulter.  It is often the mothers of young women who, in their efforts to define gender roles for their children, raise them in a fashion that may preclude them from enjoying sex, or even viewing it as a healthy part of life.  Additionally, while I don’t consider sex the sacred act that I’m guessing most people do, it is potentially a life-changing one.  By steering them away from sex, especially at a young age, well-meaning mothers are trying to prevent their daughters from making mistakes that can alter their entire universe in ways they can’t possibly comprehend.
It’s not entirely their fault; for generations we have been taught that behavior that is acceptable for men should not be enjoyed by women.  This isn’t surprising in the least.  Double-standards are a way of life.  Given the stigma attached to sex in American society, as well as a culture that discounts women’s issues to the extend that a female rape victim is in many cases more likely to be blamed than her male rapist – a culture that denies women their right not only to reproductive health but also to equal pay – and you have an environment that is not exactly warm and welcoming to the notion that women should be treated with dignity, much less lauded for the breadth of their sexual experience.
Granted, I don’t think that most sexually-active women really want to be lauded for having a lot of sex.  I’m guessing that most of them would settle for not being considered sluts by judgmental people who either don’t understand or prefer not to acknowledge how important sex is to the human experience.  Just because a woman knows what she wants and is unafraid to take it is no reason to call her a slut.  In a perfect world, a woman who is unafraid of her body and her sexuality, who has sex with who she wants when she wants, wouldn’t be called a slut.  She’d be called a leader.  She’d be worthy of respect and even admiration, because I believe that a person who is unafraid of sex is more likely to practice it responsibly.
The writer goes on to state that, whether deliberately or not, the mothers of boys perpetuate the “slut” label in order to keep their sons from marrying women who are damaged goods.  The fallacy of a sexually-experienced woman being somehow damaged notwithstanding, I take issue with the writer’s comparison of sexually-promiscuous women to gold-diggers.  One is in control of her own sexuality and takes what she wants.  The other is in control of her significant other’s bank account and takes what she wants.  I fail to see any real similarity.
It’s not that I necessarily feel that the word “slut” shouldn’t be unofficially abolished.  (For the record, I don’t lean toward that conclusion.)  But I don’t feel that the writer provided a sufficient case for doing so.  At the end of the article, the writer mentions “the branding of women”, and suggests that women need to change in order to allow the feminist movement to make necessary strides toward true equality.  There was a time in my life when I might have agreed with this, when I might have preached patience, or a less-militant stance, to those facing oppression.  But now I cannot in good conscience suggest that those under the thumb of mainstream society simply tolerate intolerance until their oppressors have a change of heart.
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I’m all for taking power away from judgmental, sex-negative people.  The thought of stymying the sort of individuals who would use the word “slut” to oppress by showing that their words don’t hurt you is an appealing one.  This is my main argument for co-opting the word “slut” rather than doing away with it altogether.  Just because women and sex-positives refuse to own the word doesn’t mean that those who view a woman’s sexual agency in a negative fashion are going to lay down their verbal weapons.  In fact, refraining from using the word would only give this group additional ammunition.
Once again, I am probably not the best person to analyze the word “slut” and its effects.  To the best of my knowledge I’ve never been called a slut, certainly not to my face.  But I can’t see the purpose of eradicating the word completely, at least not for the reasons suggested in this article.  Dialing back the rhetoric is no better than tacitly allowing the oppression to continue.  Rather than forcing women to rebrand, I say we force society to rebrand.

*We no longer support EdenFantasys, and therefore the link to the article has been removed. You can search for it on your own, but we wouldn’t recommend it.

Are We Sex Negative?

jackandjillcpl6 Comments
Posted in arrogance boasting sex negative sex-positive The Frisky
Last week, our fellow blogger Liza brought to our attention a very in-depth and thought-provoking article at The Frisky on the topic of sex positivity.    
Wait a minute, you may be saying.  You always write about sex positivity, and being sex positive.  But what exactly does that mean?  Excellent question, and admittedly not the easiest one to answer.  I’ll wager that for many sex positives, sex positivity is something that cannot be easily defined, but one knows it when one sees it.  That’s certainly the case for Jill and I.  Additionally, while we know sex positivity when we see it, we also know sex negativity when we see that.  Attempting to smear a Georgetown law student because she uses birth control?  That’s sex negativity.
I guess it’s not as complicated as I’m making it sound.  Sex positivity is exactly that: The notion that sex is a positive, healthy thing, unworthy of the negative attitudes and taboos that it seems to engender throughout most of society, or at least American society.  It’s the attitude that any sexual activity involving consenting adults is beneficial to its participants, and by extension to society as a whole.  Or at least, that’s how we’ve always viewed it.
It was for that reason that we were particularly interested in writer Rachel Rabbit White’s thoughts on the topic.  After all, while we consider ourselves extremely sex-positive, who knows if that’s really the case?  We aren’t authorities on the subject, nor are we the gatekeepers who control its  definition.  Plus, we enjoy The Frisky; if you don’t read them, or follow them on Twitter, you’re missing out.
The article is entitled “8 Ways To Be Positive You’re Sex Positive“, and for the most part it consists of rational, common sense points about what does and does not constitute sex-positivity.  Well, maybe “common sense” isn’t the right term.  In fact, I’m certain that it’s not.  But I wish it was.  I wish more people could read this article and relate to it.  In fact, scratch that.  What I really wish was that sex positivity was so prevalent that this article didn’t need to actually be written in the first place, and that my fellow sex bloggers and I were instead abuzz with discussion about a groundbreaking article on whether reverse cowgirl beats traditional cowgirl.
It occurred to us, before reading the article, that we might find out that something we’ve been doing is not conducive to true sex positivity.  We imagined having to change our habits lest we be branded sex-negative.  We imagined being ostracized from the sex blogosphere by an angry, torch-and-pitchfork wielding mob.  We imagined shutting down our blog and launching a mainstream parenting blog where we debate the merits of carrot sticks as the perfect after-school snack.  Okay, that’s an exaggeration.  We imagined none of those things.  But we did wonder if perhaps our philosophy of sex positivity differed from that presented in the article.  And in a way, it does.
While we can agree wholeheartedly with most of the points the article presents, we took issue with the second one, entitled “Stop glamorizing sex.”  Essentially, the author suggests that sex positive writers, in describing their sometimes prodigious sex lives, take on a haughty position over their readers, and can even be accused of boasting about the sex they have.  “Talking about your sex life as if it’s better than someone else’s is glamorizing sex, and that doesn’t move the dialog forward…glamorizing helps cement the idea that sex all the time should be the goal instead of knowing your desire levels and honoring those.”
The assumptions made by the author in reference to this point are numerous.  She infers pressure among sex positives to discuss their sex lives in a superior fashion.  She interprets this superiority as bragging, admitting that she conducted herself in the same fashion when she was in high school and apparently assuming that those who talk frankly about their sex lives do the same.  She assumes also that those who write positively about their sex life have a goal of “sex all the time”, rather than honoring their level of desire.  She doesn’t acknowledge that, for some, “sex all the time” might actually reflect their level of desire.
In writing this blog, it’s never really occurred to us that people having what the author refers to as “regular” sex (whatever that means; in the context of the article it seems to mean unhealthy sex) or no sex whatsoever might be jealous of us.  Sure, we’ve received the occasional comment from a reader who claimed to be envious of our antics, but we took them to be meant at least partially in jest.  It never crossed our mind that anyone who expressed a measure of envy for our sex life could be serious.  We suppose that this narrow-mindedness could fuel the author’s theory that we are not actually sex positive; our inability to empathize with our readers might actually push us into the “sex negative” camp.
Understand that if that’s the case, it’s not a label we willingly accept.  We’ve never sought to inspire feelings of inadequacy but rather titillation.  We want our readers to enjoy the stories we post and the pictures we share, regardless of whether they’re having good sex, bad sex, or none at all.  If we come off as the sort of bloggers who use this space to compensate for our failings by drumming into the heads of our readers how much more satisfying our sex life is than theirs, then we sincerely apologize.  We’re not interested in alienating anyone, nor are we trying to “wow” them to the extent that they feel inferior.  What could we possibly gain from that?
It sounds like Rachel Rabbit White considers an active, varied sex life a healthy and positive thing.  But, perplexingly, she seems to also be saying that writing about such a sex life in the manner that it deserves is not okay, and that our enthusiasm for the sex we have should be toned down in our writing, so as not to make anyone feel bad.  While we try to be sensitive to the feelings of those around us – indeed, we have voiced our fear of sounding like “arrogant jerks” with regard to our short-lived Sunday Scoreboard feature – the thought that we should handcuff ourselves in this manner clearly stems from unchecked political correctness.  This treads dangerously close to sex negativity, in our opinion.
As I commented on Liza’s post, we blog honestly about the sex that we have, and we don’t make excuses or apologize for any of it.  We simply don’t believe that our readership at large finds an apology necessary.  We assume that those who frequent our blog enjoy what we share, and are perhaps – or should I say hopefully – actually aroused by it.  That’s a large part of our motivation for blogging, and we don’t know that we are willing to change our blogging strategy just to claim a seemingly-arbitrary “sex positive” designation.
 We will continue to write frankly about our sex life, and post pictures whenever possible.  If the fact that the sex life about which we write is rich and diverse makes us sex-negative, whether in the eyes of Rachel Rabbit White or society as a whole, that’s a label we’ll just have to wear.  
Don’t let my objection to the article’s second point dissuade you from reading it.  It’s overall an excellent read, and even if you disagree with most or all of it – something I doubt – it still provides great food for thought.  Check it out.
-Jack