On a recent Saturday evening, Jill and I found ourselves at home, chatting online with our friend Mia Wallace, who was staying with her parents out of town. The conversation lasted a few hours and covered a wide array of topics, one of which was sex. I’m sure this must have been an awkward subject for Mia, as she was visiting with her parents at the same time; however, Jill and I consider ourselves very fortunate that we have friends with similar tastes and opinions when it comes to such subjects.

Eventually, Mia invited us to view her webcam, and we gladly reciprocated. In the past, we had played on cam with Mia and her husband Vincent, and even talked (albeit off-the-cuff) about taking things further. We love to watch, and they put on a very exciting show. We’ve cammed with them since then, though not always in a sexual context. Still, the voyeurs in Jill and I find it an immense turn-on to watch someone’s webcam, knowing that literally anything can happen.

With her family still awake, Mia’s webcam remained focused on her lovely visage. However, Jill and I were home alone and had no concerns about impropriety. Additionally, we’d spent the afternoon visiting local wineries and Jill, moreso than I, was still buzzed from copious amounts of wine. She stripped down to her panties and lay down on the couch, where I gave her a long and sensuous massage. Intimating that she would be interested in more of a show than this, Mia reminded us that she wasn’t alone, and hoped that we would pace ourselves so that the real action would take place at such a time that she could properly enjoy it.

After the massage ended, we tried to change the subject temporarily in the hopes of slowing things down for her. However, Mia told us of a fantasy she’d had recently – one that involved Jill – and we found ourselves right where we left off. We related a semi-public sexual experience we’d enjoyed the night before and, tired of waiting for the family to turn in for the night, Mia retreated to the privacy of her room. When the cam show resumed, Jill knelt beside the couch and gave me a blowjob while Mia watched. Her energy and enthusiasm turned me on, as I got the distinct impression that Jill’s efforts were for Mia’s benefit as much as for my own.

Knowing that we had an audience was exciting, and glancing at my laptop from time to time, it turned me on to see Mia watching in rapt attention. I didn’t know that she was pleasuring herself as she watched; just knowing that she was watching turned the excitement factor up to eleven, and I had to distract myself to keep from coming too quickly.

Before long, Jill got her Rabbit out of the bedroom, and rode it while continuing to give me head. Mia’s reaction to this was quite exciting; the “rabbit trick”, as we call it, is something that Mia, Vincent, Jill and I all find extraordinarily exciting. Mia announced that she was wet, and actively rubbing her clit. She even gave us a glimpse of the wetness gathered on her fingertips, though not its source that we both salivated over. When she came, the sight of Mia’s head thrown back, eyes closed in the rapture of an intense climax, sent me sailing over the edge, and I followed suit with an explosive orgasm of my own.

Jill had already come twice, though nowhere near as impressively. Now, she was working toward a grand finale, an orgasm that would signal the end of an amazing night. As Mia watched, Jill writhed on her Rabbit, the bulbous head vibrating within her even as the rabbit ears massaged her engorged clit. All at once, Mia threw off her pajama top, thrusting her full breasts toward her webcam. This was all the stimulus Jill needed, and she came, thrashing against the couch.

The three of us made small talk for awhile before going to bed. It was after one o’clock in the morning, and we each had an early start planning for the morning. Mia thanked us for the show, and we thanked her as well. Though we’ve cammed a few times since then, the thrill of performing for such a sexy audience has eluded us.

-Jack

Well, maybe you didn’t. But if you did, fear not, as you’re not alone. We frequent the website F My Life, which is a collection of unfortunate stories sent in by visitors. They’re the sort of situations anyone might find themselves in, given a little bad luck. They’re all true (allegedly; feel free to make your own judgment on that), and most are quite funny – at least to someone not actually experiencing them. Users can also vote on whether the writer of each story deserved it, or whether his or her life does indeed suck.

The stories on the site are sorted into several categories, including love, health, work, money, and intimacy (formerly sex). For your reading pleasure, here are some of the “Intimacy” stories we found most memorable. Per the site’s guidelines, all stories begin with “Today,” and end with “FML”.

Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

Today, my grandparents were staying over my house for a couple of nights. As I was walking to my bathroom in the middle of the night, I noticed their door was open, and my grandfather was awake. I tried to say ‘Hi” to him, but he didn’t hear me. I then noticed that he was masturbating. FML

Today, my mom talked about how it’s interesting how there’s so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she’s doing hormone therapy she’s able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML

Today, my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn’t a virgin anymore. Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. And told me hers in detail. FML

Today, I was on my way home from a friends house. I called home ahead of time to let my parents know. My dad picked up and in a panting voice said, “Now isn’t a good time, drive around the block for 15 minutes.” FML

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: “Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join” FML

Today, I was talking to my 81-year-old widowed grandmother on the phone, and she told me she was giving up sex for lent. Not only do I now have a vision of my grandma having sex, I am reminded that she is having more sex than me. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, “I love how you smell like my grandmother’s house.” FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, “Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother’s.” FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room…my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

Today, I sent pictures to my ex of me and my new boyfriend in bed. He sent them to my dad. FML

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

Today, my girlfriend’s mother called her in the bedroom for a serious talk. I overheard them arguing and yelling at each other. It turns out her mother found a condom next to her garbage. We got caught because her cat swallowed the condom and threw it up.

Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said “don’t come in, i’m naked!” She said “That’s okay!” so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking “What are you doing?” Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quick. Then my boyfriend answers, “Zoe. I’m doing Zoe.” FML

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go, “don’t worry, I’m not using these with Kim.” That didn’t help. FML

Today, a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I’m allergic to lube. FML

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying “You definitely take after your mom.” FML

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She’s sending me to bible camp. FML

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: “love mom.” FML

Today, while I was making out with my boyfriend, he left my dorm suddenly without telling me where he was going. A few hours later, he texted me to tell me that being with me made him feel dirty, and he had gone to confession. He then called me a sinner. FML

Today, I was talked into having sex with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had always wanted to wait till marriage but my boyfriend convinced me otherwise. Once we were done, he said he could never marry me because I was no longer pure. FML

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said “Do you believe in Jesus?” FML

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came “Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!” FML

Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, “please don’t make me do this.” FML

Today, being on my boyfriend’s street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I’ve ever had: A massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

Today, I was looking at recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They’re right. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying “U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo”. FML

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and proceeded to go directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

Today, I went to my girlfriend’s sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really liked for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: “Lucky you.” FML

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing ‘never have I ever.’ My girlfriend’s turn came up and she went with, ‘Never have I ever had an orgasm.’ FML

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up with some chips in my bed. I thought it was funny so I went to tell my roommate. Her response was, “That’s so funny! It’s a typical night out for the two of us. I wake up the next morning with a boy in my bed and you wake up with food in yours.” FML

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I’d ever had. The trouble was, it wasn’t about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said, “Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I’d rather eat these.” FML

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, “If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?” His response, “Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?” He was hard, for ice cream. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear “pop goes the weasel” outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, “ICE CREAM MAN!” and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going “shit, shit!” Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted “I forgot to set my TiVO!” FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was “Can’t, Platinum just came out.” I didn’t know what that meant so I searched “Platinum 3-22-2009” on Google. I found out he’s talking about a new Pokemon game. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this Swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her – after asking if I could ejaculate on her face. FML

Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say “fuck me” in Spanish. She claimed it was “pollo frito”. I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming “fried chicken.” FML

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn’t until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back home. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were “fooling around.” It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was thee first one I’ve seen in real life so I decided I’d complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, “It’s pretty.” FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

Today, I got an “Enlarge your penis” email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML

Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read, “you can pick your stuff up in the morning.” FML

Today, I came home from work late (2:30 am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancée half awake said “No, no…Dan will be home soon.” I am Dan. FML

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, “wow, last night was crazy, I don’t even remember doing that!” Without interrupting the action, she simply said, “You didn’t.” FML

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, “April Fool’s!” It’s March 19th. FML

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can’t wait to see me later. I didn’t see her last night. FML

Today, after some passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaims “that was amazing Drew…” She quickly tried to turn “Drew” into my actual name which does not sound a thing like Drew. FML

Today, my husband found the box my morning after pill came in. He had a vasectomy 10 years ago. FML

Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I’ve had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I’m not around. FML

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, “You’re a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?” He replied with, “I’ll pass, you have really bad breath.” FML

Today, was my boyfriends birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting me in the nuts. Hard. FML

Today, I had sex with this guy i really like for the first time. After, we were laying in bed listening to music. When the song finished he leaned over and said, “You know what you and that song have in common?” I smiled and said, “What?” He replied with, “You just got played, get out of my bed.” FML

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said “Just in case.” She started laughing hysterically. FML

Today, I was talking to this guy I’m dating and stated that the only reason I am with him is because of what he buys me. I was joking. He then responded that he doesn’t care because the only reason he is with me is because I give good head. He was serious. FML

Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for awhile. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to “shut up” because it sounded like “pig noises”. FML

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I’d leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, ‘Next time, close the blinds’. FML

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, “Well, I am when it’s good.” FML

Today, I was telling my boyfriend I had fake orgasms all the time to piss him off. He replied: “that’s okay, I’m f***ing three other girls.” FML

Today, I accidently walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her “Need a hand with that?”, to which she replied “I’m doing fine here on my own, don’t ruin it”. FML

Today, this really attractive woman that I’ve known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she’ll have sex with me. I’m confined to a wheelchair. FML

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said “wow, that’s disappointing.” FML

Today, I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. We were lying in bed and my panties were already off when he asked me : “Would you also have sex with me if you weren’t drunk?”. I responded “Yes!” and asked him the same question, at which he responded : “No, probably not.” FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolls off of me without finishing, and says, “i’m bored.” FML

Today, I had sex for the first time with the guy I’ve been seeing about a month. When we finished, all he wanted to do was kiss and cuddle, and all I could think about was how soon he would leave so I could cry. FML

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I’ve been cheating on her. We don’t use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I’ve been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

Today, I had the closing shift at work in a cafe and there was a man and lady left. I made them coffee and started to close up. When the lady finished her coffee she grabbed my arm and said ‘I think that man is masturbating’ and leaves in a hurry. I had to wait for him to finish before closing. FML

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, “I wish you were a vampire” and goes back home. FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I’m not making this up. FML

Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the “no” box by “sexually active.” She didn’t even ask me that. FML

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

Today, I was emailing my professor about what chapters our test is on this afternoon. She accidentally emailed me informing me of the date she went on last night, including that she “got laid… yay!!” and a picture. I still don’t know what chapters I’m being tested on. FML

Today, I found out that I’m pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

Today, I was feeling horny at work all day so I texted my wife tellng her nasty things I wanted to do with her when we got back. When I came home, I was all aroused and ready to pounce. She gave me a handjob. While watching ‘wheel of fortune’. FML

Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

Today, completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping with for awhile. While his girlfriend watched to make sure I “got the fuck out.” FML

Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy that works with me and for which I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until in the heat of the moment my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can’t face either of them now. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, “what do I do now?” FML

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had ‘something serious’ to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn’t there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese.

Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I’m giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn’t have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : “BE MY BABY’S DADDY!” I couldn’t get out in time. FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I’ve been texting didn’t send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I’m going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted “I want to fuck your pussy” to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said “I want to fuck your puppy.” FML

-Jack

While going through some boxes in my office this past week, I came across a small handheld back massager that plugs into a computer’s USB port. I had received it as a gift from a client the previous Christmas and had forgotten about it. I plugged the massager in, flipped a switch, and felt it come to life in my hand. Satisfied that it worked, I put it aside.

That afternoon, I found Jill busy doing some work on her laptop. “I’ve got something for you,” I said, and I plugged the massager into the USB port on the side. After a moment, she looked up from her work, her eyes widening with interest. I held out my hand, revealing the massager, and placed it on the desk beside Jill’s laptop.

“What is that?” she asked. I turned it on, and it began to vibrate noisily against the desk.

“It’s a back massager.” I leaned close to her and placed it against her breasts, then turn it off and set it down on the desk. “I’m never going to use it,” I told her. “You can have it, if you want.” She thanked me, and resumed her work. Thinking nothing of it, I went into the backyard to mow the lawn.

I walked back inside a half hour later. The house was quiet, just as I expected it to be. I found Jill in the living room, lying on the sofa. Her pants were bunched up around her right ankle, her bare left leg up over the back of the couch. She massaged her thighs, her eyes dreamily half-closed. Jill’s chest rose slowly and fell again as she recovered from an orgasm that I was sad to have missed.

Her laptop sat on the coffee table, the new massager hanging from the table by its power cord. On the screen, a pretty brunette wearing a collar and nothing else rode one guy while stroking another. Jill stared at the screen for a moment before turning to face me. “Your turn.”

Even though I missed the show, I was terribly excited. We ran to our bedroom. No foreplay was needed; I was ready to go and my performance was fueled by the thoughts of Jill exploring her body while I mowed the lawn. After my climax, I suggested we go back out to the living room. I was hoping that Jill would want to play again, with an audience this time.

-Jack

Still dripping wet from the pool, I stepped into the backyard with a drink in each hand. The towel was tight around my waist as I felt the sun overhead, its light hot and bright. As I felt it blaze, the water that still clung to my shoulders and my arms quickly evaporated.

Jill lay on a soft green chaise lounge, one of two set up on the concrete by the pool. She had a large beach towel underneath her, and a smaller bath towel draped across her body, hiding most of herself from view. I set her drink down on a small wrought-iron table that held a paperback book and a bottle of sunscreen. Jill didn’t acknowledge me, or even move. Her eyes were hidden behind a pair of expensive sunglasses, and for all I knew she was asleep. In this heat, it wouldn’t have surprised me. I drank from my own glass, then set it down on the table beside hers.

“Thank you, honey,” she said, finally reaching out for the glass. I sat down on the vacant lounge chair and luxuriated in the sunshine for a few moments before the sight of my wife, naked beneath her towel, caused some intimate stirrage. I watched her take a sip of her drink and replace it on the table. My eyes traced her curves from one end of her body to the other. She stretched, reaching her arms high above her head, and then picked up her book from the table. She reclined in her lounge chair and started to read. Her legs were positioned tidily, ladylike, her knees bent and her toes arranged before her like a bouquet of red roses.

Unable to resist this display of coy sexuality, I got up and ventured close to where Jill set, gazing at her nudity with equal parts admiration and lust. Kneeling beside her chair, I placed a kiss on her foot, then made my way up her still-damp leg before retreating back to her foot. When I reached it, I stopped. Jill put the book down.

“That feels good,” she said. “Do it again.”

I peeked under her towel. “You know, I can see your pussy.”

She pulled the towel up and playfully spread her legs before covering herself once again. Jill can be the biggest tease, but I wasn’t expecting that; certainly not under the open sky, in full view of anyone tall enough to see over an adjoining fence. She picked up her book and continued reading as I resumed kissing my way up and down her legs as I had done before. Soon I found myself nestled between her legs, lapping furiously, and an instant later her book lay discarded on the concrete, soon joined by her towel. As I enjoyed the exciting scent and delicious taste of my wife, I grew erect with my desire for her. Her hungry moans, though faint, fueled this desire.

As I devoured her, my fingers found their way inside as well, following every lick with deft strokes that sent Jill on a path toward an eruptive climax. The fear that she might feel inhibited by the fact that we were exposed to potential spectators disappeared from my mind as she gripped my head and pulled me into her, melding my lips to her own. As my tongue darted in and out of her, Jill’s moans reached their culmination, and as she came her bucking hips threatened to throw me to the ground.

When she had been sated, Jill pulled me up and onto her, her hands caressing me briefly before I slipped inside. I felt her legs lock around me, her hands reaching back to tear the towel from around my waist. It landed in a heap on the floor and I began to thrust, my hardness swelling inside of her. Her rhythmic movements goaded me ever closer to my own climax, as did the possible – though unlikely – threat of discovery.

I leaned in close and kissed her, the taste of her tongue familiar but very arousing. As she probed within my mouth I thrust deeper, feeling her throb around me. As desperately in need of release as I was, this sensation was going to push me over the edge. Soon I felt another familiar – and very welcome – sensation: That of my imminent orgasm. I pulled out, finding my way into Jill’s firm grasp. She stroked me until I was spent, her stomach and breasts glistening with my seed.

In the afterglow, we made no attempt to cover ourselves up. We simply lay beside each other, crammed into a chaise lounge that was definitely not designed for two people. We slowly caught our breath, the rays of the sun threatening to bake us. Jill finallybroke the silence.

“Shall we take a shower?” Always a good idea.

Jill did it, so why can’t I?

1. Visiting with friends this weekend, I was surprised – pleasantly, but surprised nonetheless – to receive a kiss on the lips from a female friend who usually kisses me on the cheek.

2. I came home one day to find Jill in the bathtub. She was submerged up to her breasts, her relaxed nipples barely breaking the surface of the water. Her feet were up on the edge of the tub, and she was reading an erotic short story collection. Though I was tempted to join her, I waited patiently for her to finish her bath before taking her to bed.

3. I heard Luscious Jackson’s 1996 single “Naked Eye” on the radio for the first time in several years. This song has always reminded me of sex, although in spite of the title there is nothing overtly sexual about it. I’m guessing it’s because, when the song was new, I had sex with it playing in the background, and the association stuck.

4. On Friday night, we went to a bar and had drinks with a male friend of ours. Afterwards, Jill told me that she felt him touching her leg with his foot a few times. It was probably accidental, but their contact was prolonged enough for Jill to notice.

5. I found – but unfortunately accidentally deleted – a voicemail Jill left me. Unable to accurately transcribe it, I’ll simply say that it was a detailed plan of what Jill wanted me to do to her when I got home from work that day. And yes, I complied.

-Jack

This story is based on a fantasy we were recently informed about by our friend and frequent commenter Mia Wallace. I have found myself thinking about it quite a bit, and when you read it I think you’ll understand why!

The lights are low as I step into the bedroom, but not so low that I can’t see the erotic display in front of me. You are naked, lying on your back with your legs invitingly open. Your hands caress your legs, gently rubbing them as though afraid to get too close to that most magical of spots.

Vincent is kneeling close to your head. He is also naked, his beautiful cock hanging above your head. You want it, that much is very clear. You lick your parched lips, your tongue moistening your mouth in anticipation of receiving him, but he is just out of reach. Glancing down at your body, he strokes himself intently, his hand softly brushing your face as he does.

Even in the dim light I am spellbound by what I have walked into. I stand in the doorway, not wanting to make a sound as I watch. Your fingers finally come to rest between your thighs and you touch yourself, each motion exactly as you like it. Vincent continues to play as well, his hands moving quickly as he pleasures himself. As his movements grow more rapid, so do yours. You want his taste, the feel of him between your lips. You try to touch him with your tongue, but all you can reach are his knuckles as he continues to stroke.

Almost as much as the sight, the sounds of your play turn me on greatly: Your impassioned moans, the sounds of your fingers dancing across your wetness, even the quiet squeak of the mattress. It is then that I realize that I haven’t taken a breath since I discovered the two of you like this. I inhale quietly, so afraid that my intrusion will be noticed, that you will lose your rhythm or, even worse, that I will be asked to leave.

Anticipating your climaxes, I feel myself growing very wet. I slip one hand inside my pajama pants, all too aware of the sound of my heartbeat, loud in my ears. Silently I pray for it to slow down before one or both of you notice my presence and stop what you are doing. I tend to my arousal, feeling my wetness on my fingertips, and begin to slowly graze my excited clit. As I do, Vincent notices me standing in the doorway. As our eyes meet my heart skips a beat. I’m busted! Still, he doesn’t stop what he is doing. When you look up at me, smile sexily, and beckon me to the bed, I know everything is okay. By the time I reach the bed, my pajamas are crumpled on the floor.

I climb up onto the bed and crawl over to you. Our bodies come together, our breasts squashing together like ripe peaches. Our lips meet, and as we share a long-awaited kiss I am aroused not only by the taste of your mouth and the fragrant scent of your skin so close to my nose, but by the realization of a fantasy coming true. As I press my mouth to yours, you push your tongue between my lips. It isn’t a sweet, ladylike peck. It’s a steamy and intense kiss, one that burns with passion.

When we stop kissing, I make my way down your body, just as Vincent gives in and allows you the reward you’ve been craving. As your lips encircle him, I cup your breasts with both hands and softly undulate my palms over your nipples, then follow it up with my mouth. I feel so naughty! I’ve never done this before! The excitement sends blood rushing to my own nipples, making them harder than they were before. I look up and watch as you enjoy your feast before diving back down, sucking each nipple into my mouth and tracing a circle around it with my tongue before continuing on my way. I kiss your soft belly, your lovely hips, your smooth thighs and down to your pretty feet before retracing my steps, following the kiss-trail back upward.

You are so turned on that you can hardly stand it, and the fervor with which you suck Vincent’s magnificent treat is proof. My cheeks softly caress your inner thighs as I settle into place, the beautiful and delicate flower before me begging for the pleasures of my mouth. This is something else that I’ve never done before, but I am so ready. Your clit peeks out like the stamen of a daffodil, and as I give it a gentle lick I feel your body shudder. Then I trace a pattern along your juicy lips as though practicing my signature using my tongue.

I re-focus my attention on your clit, sucking it hungrily as though it were a cock. The more I lick, the deeper you take Vincent’s cock. The sounds he makes are sexy and they inspire me to take things further, touching you with my fingers as my tongue continues its erotic dance. I close my lips over your clit and gently suck on it. Your body tenses as I devour you, sucking with an intensity I can’t control. I feel your thighs pressing against my cheeks and I know that whatever I am doing is working. Vincent’s moans signal his orgasm, but I don’t have to hear you moan to know that you are close.

Your body spasms as your muscles contract, and when your thighs finally relax, I can tell it’s over. You collapse back onto the mattress, satisfied at last. As you catch your breath, I get up from the bed and collect my pajamas before heading to the door.

“Where are you going?” I stop in my tracks as I hear your words. “It’s your turn.”

-Jill

“I think your penis needs to be in my vagina,” Jill said playfully, waking me out of a sound sleep on Sunday morning. “But that’s just my opinion.” Her voice was a whisper, as we were staying with family; it wasn’t her words that roused me but the feel of her hand caressing my chest and her lips gently touching the side of my face as she spoke.

It didn’t take me but a moment to be fully erect, and as Jill’s hand found my hardness I turned onto my shoulder so I could more easily return the favor. My hand began at her full and swelling breasts, my fingers tracing a path along her belly to her thighs, warm and soft. As she stroked me, I teased her for a few moments, goaded by her quiet moans.

As she began to rub her palm along the head of my cock I finally touched her clit. It was just a cursory touch at first, an appetizer for what was to come. I gave her a few circular strokes before slipping my fingers inside her, and continued to excite her pleasure button with my thumb. She whispered something I couldn’t hear and I leaned my head close to hers, all the better to suck on her neck while she repeated herself.

“I need you,” she said. My eagerness to move between her thighs and sate myself with her delicious taste was countered by the intensity of her words. I knew what she wanted, and oral sex wasn’t on the menu that morning. With one leg hanging off the edge of the bed, Jill moved the other one aside and pulled me on top of her. The familiar sensation of her body against mine, the smell of her skin, the feel of her nipples standing erect against my chest all served to turn me on even more than I already was, and I found my way inside easily.

The first thrust made her cry out. It wasn’t the loudest she’d ever moaned, but for six-thirty in the morning in a house full of sleeping people, it was louder than she intended to be. She quickly regained her composure and began to enjoy my movements inside of her, her hands firmly on my ass as she pulled me against her. She rode my thrusts, her hips bucking rapidly against mine as I quickly dipped deep inside of her before withdrawing, then repeating the process.

“Don’t stop,” she said, and we kissed passionately, our respective cases of morning breath apparently cancelling each other out. Her mouth felt like exotic fruit against mine. The taste of her tongue and her lips intensified my thrusts and I realized that if I didn’t slow down it was going to be over quick. My wife, however, had other plans. “Come in me,” she said. “Hurry, I need it so badly.” Her words turned me on, and no amount of baseball-related thoughts was going to stave off orgasm. I tried telling her that I wanted her to come first, but she shushed me with another kiss.

All at once I pulled out, letting the temptation to come pass harmlessly. As I kissed my way up her stomach, grazing over her breasts on the way to her soft white neck, she moaned again. Whether in pleasure or frustration I wasn’t sure. As I nuzzled her neck she whispered, “Why did you stop?”

“I want you to come first,” I said.

“It’s okay,” she said. “I’ll get off in the shower.” The guest bathroom has an adjustible showerhead that rivals our own; I am well aware of my wife’s fondness of masturbating with it. The thought of her holding the cold metal nozzle close to herself while high-pressure jets of warm water cascade against her clit was arousing, and suddenly I was throbbing,

“I want to be there when you do it,” I insisted.

“Then come before anyone wakes up.” This would be tricky, as at seven-fifteen – seven-thirty at the latest – people would start waking up, and it was likely that some of them would need to use the very bathroom my wife was planning on having an orgasm in while I watched. We’re married, they know we have sex, and I’m not entirely sure why I find it weird for Jill’s family to know we’re showering together. I guess it’s just something I need to get over. I quickly maneuvered myself back inside of her, and imagined her crouching down close to the shower floor, letting the showerhead do all the work.

In spite of the very exciting visual in my head, it took me longer than I expected to come. We found our rhythm, and from there it was a pleasurable ride for both of us. When I came, I didn’t come alone.

-Jack

1. I posted a photo to Half-Nekkid Thursday, and not only did I get some comments, but for the first time there was a comment posted from a woman. Guys will drool over anything, but getting a compliment from a woman is a major turn-on.

2. While stopped at a red light with Jack (who was driving), I put some lotion on my legs. After the light had turned green, Jack told me that the guy in the car next to us was mesmerized by what I was doing. Like a lot of women, I suffer from body image issues even though Jack constantly tells me I shouldn’t. Therefore I find it so hot to know that I can occasionally turn another man’s head.

3. On Monday, Jack told me that he got off to this story while he was home alone. I love the idea of him taking care of himself almost as much as I love watching him do it, and the fact that he got turned on by something I wrote (and something we experienced together) made it even more exciting.

4. At breakfast Sunday morning, Jack fed me a strawberry from his plate. The taste and feel of the succulent fruit on my lips, and the smell of his skin as he placed it into my mouth made me want to take him right to bed and have my way with him. Unfortunately it was several hours before that would be possible.

5. Yesterday morning a reader e-mailed me a very erotic story involving one of my favorite fantasies. I didn’t have enough time to read it before leaving for work, but I gave it a quick glance, and the story was on my mind all day long.

Jill’s Sex Quote of the Day: “‘Natural’ is a very dangerous word to use about sexuality … Out society’s notions of normality are completely fake and meta-trendy, since they rely on the changing standards of superstition, religion, Christianity and gender bias to define themselves. Americans, in particular, exhibit very childish reactions to sexual practice that are new to them, much like little kids who are offered a vegetable they haven’t seen before: ‘That’s disgusting!’ ‘But darling, you haven’t even tried it!’ ‘I don’t care, I hate it, I hate it!'” (Susie Bright and Jill Posner, editors, Nothing But the Girl)

-Jill

We try to fill this blog with as much original content as possible. In other words, Jack and I prefer to post a story or a fantasy that we wrote ourselves rather than things we’ve found elsewhere. Obviously we have shared the occasional sex-related article that we found interesting, but our preference is for sexy stories we have written as opposed to sexy stories we have found on the internet or in books.

In October, I posted a story from Nancy Friday’s book Women on Top. This story, like most of the others in the book, is a fantasy sent in to the author, and involves a woman making love to her boyfriend and a very close male friend simultaneously. The story is a long-time favorite of mine, the impetus of many of my best “by myself” orgasms.

I was reminded of another fantasy in the book this week, thanks to a new reader who is in the military. For some reason our conversation (which was actually not all that sexual) reminded me of this story, which I had not read in a few years. The story is told from the perspective of a young woman who served in the navy. Here’s an excerpt:

Needless to say, I was never without a lover while in the navy. (With the odds of two hundred to one when the fleet was in, how could you lose?)

The navy is also where I developed this little quirk I have: I love to fantasize I am being watched when I’m making love or masturbating. It started because of a real experience that was part of my sex life for almost two years. When you live in a barracks with hundreds of other people you learn to take sex where you can get it. Of course it is against the rules to have anyone of the opposite sex in your room after taps but no one cared. It happened all the time.

My lover and I used to sleep on some cushions on the floor of our friend’s room in the men’s barracks. (There were always extra bodies around. Usually friends off the ships.) The usual occupancy of the room was two, but this particular night there were two extras, not counting my lover and I (all male of course). Two were in bed, one on the couch and one on the floor.

After a long night of partying we shut off the lights. Everyone gets into their own beds for the night after taking off their clothes. (Unfortunately I’m slightly night-blind!) I’ve never known a sailor who wears pajamas to sleep in.

Anyway, my lover (Bobby) and I are not really tired. I lie there trying to get to sleep but it’s no use. I reach over to Bobby, who’s on his side with his back to me. I press my tits against his back and reach down to his cock. It’s as hard as a rock. He’s not asleep either. He rolls over and gives me a long, deep kiss. At the same time he runs his hands down to my twat and starts playing with my clit. The room seems hot as we throw off the blanket. We don’t say anything. We just lie there for a minute, stroking and fondling each other.

Bobby moves from my mouth to my tits, sucking in all he can get. He goes from one nipple to the other, running his tongue around it then sucking and biting them when they stand up for him.

He slowly travels down my stomach to my thighs, licking and kissing as he goes. He gets between my eagerly spread legs. I know what’s coming next and I’m so hot I can’t stand it. When it comes to eating pussy, Bobby is the best there is. I call him “the fastest tongue in the West.” I love for him to eat me. I can never get enough of it.

Bobby proceeds to tease me. He licks the inside of each thigh and around my hot mound. I can stand it no longer. I grab his head and press it into my wet pussy. He tongues my clit again and again, pausing just for a second to push his long, hard tongue into my vagina. He goes back to my clit and proceeds to lick, suck and bite it. (That drives me wild!)

While he’s eating me I play with my tits. I pull on my nipples and roll them around. (I can put one in my own mouth if I want. Maybe I’ll do it and let my husband watch

I got totally involved in what Bobby was doing to me and forgot all about the other guys in the room. My breathing got faster. I sighed and moaned and finally screamed with my final shuddering climax.

Before I can cool off Bobby moves up and slips his throbbing cock into my burning pussy. He fucks like he’s never fucked before. He drives me wild with his movements. Maybe he knows something I don’t. The way he’s going you would think he was performing. The light bulb goes on in my head. I distract myself enough to open my eyes and look around. Three of the guys are watching us, the other has his eyes tightly closed but is listening very carefully. I look a little more carefully and find that all of them are enjoying the sight, sounds and smell of me and Bobby so much that they’re beating off.

What a rush of power I felt at that moment – to know that I could do that to so many men at once. To know that they wished it was them I was enjoying so much. Wishing it was their cock in my responsive cunt. It really turned me on.

I went back to the business of fucking my lover, enjoying it more because I knew it was giving pleasure to so many others, too. Finally, as I heard sighs and moans coming from all directions, I had my last climax. It was the best one I can ever remember. My whole body shook. I felt that tingle start at my spine and go throughout my body. I became dizzy and lightheaded. It was wonderful.

Bobby’s orgasm was like none he had ever had before, either. He shook as he unloaded what seemed like gallons of cum. I could feel it filling me up and running down my thighs and the crack of my ass. It felt so good!

So whenever I need a little help climaxing with my husband or I’m masturbating, I imagine I’m back in that time and in that room fucking my brains out with a happy audience. one of these days.)

The switching back and forth from present to past tense can be jarring, but I like this story so much I can’t hold that against it. This one really turns me on. Thank you Nancy Friday!

-Jill

I know you’re expecting me to talk about the not-all-that-amusing practice of adding “in bed” to the end of a Chinese fortune cookie fortune. “You will meet a mysterious stranger” becomes “You will meet a mysterious stranger in bed”, and “You will enjoy great success” becomes “You will enjoy great success in bed”. Been there, done that. Besides, it doesn’t really work with the pictured fortune. “You will be rewarded for your efforts within the month in bed?” That’s kind of a mouthful. And speaking of which…

We were having lunch at a local Chinese restaurant. When we were done eating, the bill and the fortune cookies were brought to the table. Mine was unmemorable, and is long since forgotten. Jill, on the other hand, burst into peals of laughter upon reading hers. When she noticed the curious look on my face she slid the above fortune across the table. After I read it, she told me that she had mis-read it as “You will be rewarded for your efforts with your mouth.”

-Jack