For the past couple weeks, it appears that the list of TMI Tuesday questions have been posted on Tuesday, and not Monday as has frequently been the case. Because we were out of town last week and therefore unable to post our answers to the corresponding set of questions, we are going to post last week’s questions this week. Then, if new questions are posted later today, we might end up posting again tomorrow.

Here goes:

Jack’s Answers:

1. Commando: Sexy or disgusting? Do you have a “best” commando story?

When it’s a woman in a skirt going commando? Very sexy. When it’s a guy in tight pants going commando? Kind of disgusting, but I try not to stare. When it’s me in jeans going commando (for whatever reason) it’s pretty painful. My best commando story might be the time Jill “forgot” to wear panties to a work function, and informed me of this fact just as we arrived.

2. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?

Nope.

3. Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is [sic] you are giving? Equally ewwwww?

Ewwwww? Who the hell thinks oral sex is “ewwwww?” Are you serious?

4. Orgasm: Is one per night enough or does the first one just get your motor running?

I can probably be satisfied with one if I have to, but I’d much rather have three or four.

5. Morning sex: “Oh hell yes!”, “Well if I have, too. [sic]” or “Just get in the shower and go to work.”

Hard to say, based on those choices. I’m always game for morning sex, even if it’s a work morning and I’ve overslept. However, I’m extremely self-conscious first thing in the morning, and would ideally make a quick sortie to the restroom to wash up and brush my teeth before engaging in any intimate activities.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner’s last name?

Yes and yes.

Jill’s Answers:

1. Commando: Sexy or disgusting? Do you have a “best” commando story?

For a girl, it’s sexy. For a guy it’s kind of disgusting. I guess it’s just an issue of skirt versus pants. Just having your balls rubbing up against your pants, with no underwear, kind of grosses me out for some reason. As for my best commando story, when Jack and I were first dating I decided to go without panties on a dinner date. I think it was the first time I’d ever gone commando, and it was really sexy to be “out in the open” like that. (I was wearing a skirt, obviously.)

2. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?

No, unless you’re on a time constraint.

3. Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is [sic] you are giving? Equally ewwwww?

Equally good, whether giving or getting!

4. Orgasm: Is one per night enough or does the first one just get your motor running?

I like to have more than one a night, but I’ll take whatever I can get.

5. Morning sex: “Oh hell yes!”, “Well if I have, too. [sic]” or “Just get in the shower and go to work.”

Oh hell yes!

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner’s last name?

I’ve alway known the other person’s first name at the very least.

It looks like there will be no new set of questions at TMI Tuesday for this week. Since we failed to participate last week, we are submitting our answers to last week’s questions now.

Jack’s Answers

1. Name one thing that turns you on with unprecedented success.
Jill’s mouth.

2. Quick! Look around you and name 3 ordinary items that could be used sexually.
A black Sharpie pen, which could be used for penetration; a blank CD, which could conceivably be fucked by someone with an extremely narrow cock; my laptop, which can be (and frequently is) used to view pornography.

3. Do you consider sex good even if you don’t orgasm?
It depends on the sex. If the sex is good, lack of an orgasm won’t necessarily make it bad.

4. If you could be the opposite sex for one day, what sexual position or act would you like to experience from the other side?
I suppose I would give doggy style a try.

5.Describe a sexual fantasy in 10 words or less.
Watching a two-woman show, then I get both women.

Bonus (optional): Pretend you’re a doctor and a patient has come in with an “ache”. What is your course of “treatment”?
Wherever the ache, it’s a sure thing that I’ll be using my “probe”.

Jill’s Answers

1. Name one thing that turns you on with unprecedented success.
Oral sex

2. Quick! Look around you and name 3 ordinary items that could be used sexually.
My hair brush would be good for spankings. My back massager could be used as a vibrator. The belt on Jack’s bathrobe could double as a blindfold.

3. Do you consider sex good even if you don’t orgasm?
Sometimes

4. If you could be the opposite sex for one day, what sexual position or act would you like to experience from the other side?
Having my cock sucked

5.Describe a sexual fantasy in 10 words or less.
Sex in a hot tub while many attractive people watch

Bonus (optional): Pretend you’re a doctor and a patient has come in with an “ache”. What is your course of “treatment”?
Kisses make everything better…

As regular posting of TMI Tuesday questions has resumed, we will cease going back into the archives. Sorry about missing last week’s TMI Tuesday, but we were in the hospital having a baby. All’s well, mother and baby are both healthy, yada yada yada. Anyway, here goes:

Jack’s Answers

1. Have you ever broken something in someone’s home unknown to them and never told them? If yes, explain.
I’m pretty sure I’ve never done this. In addition to being a fairly responsible person who’ll fess up if he breaks something, when I do break something it’s typically pretty spectacular and therefore unlikely to go unnoticed.

2. What’s one sexual guilty pleasure that you wouldn’t openly tell your friends about? Why?
Jerking off to pictures of their wives. I trust no explanation is necessary.

3. Take a peek over any celebrity’s shoulder in the bathroom…who are they and what are they reading?
Kirk Cameron, reading gay porn with one hand. (DISCLAIMER: This is meant in jest. I don’t actually believe that Kirk Cameron masturbates to gay porn; I doubt he masturbates to women who aren’t his wife. During production of his movie Fireproof he reportedly refused to kiss the actress playing his wife, and instead had his actual wife stand in for the actress. Hey, I’m all for good old fashioned values, but someone who wears his moral righteousness like a badge of honor probably should be far the fuck away from Hollywood. Anyway, no, I don’t honestly believe that Kirk Cameron is into gay porn, but he is a fundamentalist Christian who, like a modern-day William Jennings Bryan, steadfastly refuses to consider the Theory of “Evilution”. Therefore I consider it my duty to poke fun at him.)

4. Roses are red, violets are blue…[finish this line with your own rhyme]
I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I. (From Bill Murray’s 1991 film What About Bob)

5. Do you believe in ghosts or other supernatural activity? Why or why not?
Honestly, I don’t. I’m a very rational person and I believe that if science can’t explain it, then it doesn’t exist. However, I know far too many people who claim to have experienced supernatural phenomena such as ghosts and other technically unexplainable goings-on that I cannot discount them.

Bonus (optional): How many times have you thought about sex in the last 24 hours? What triggered it? Who did it involve? Provide as much details as you like.
Just once. But that single thought lasted the entire twenty-four hours.

Jill’s Answers

1. Have you ever broken something in someone’s home unknown to them and never told them? If yes, explain.
Never.

2. What’s one sexual guilty pleasure that you wouldn’t openly tell your friends about? Why?
Probably masturbating to porn. I’m not sure why this is a guilty pleasure, exactly, but I’m sure my more prim-and-proper friends would be surprised if not outright shocked by the specific nature of the porn I like to masturbate to. Then again, who can predict what anyone, male or female, is turned on by? For all I know they like the exact same stuff.

3. Take a peek over any celebrity’s shoulder in the bathroom…who are they and what are they reading?
I have no idea. I’m not even sure what this means. Am I actually inside the bathroom stall with the celebrity?

4. Roses are red, violets are blue…[finish this line with your own rhyme]
“You are amazing, and I am too!” I sometimes say this to Jack.

5. Do you believe in ghosts or other supernatural activity? Why or why not?
Yes, I believe in spirits, and like to think that angels (maybe our loved ones who have gone before us) are watching over us. It gives me comfort at times when I really need it.

Bonus (optional): How many times have you thought about sex in the last 24 hours? What triggered it? Who did it involve? Provide as much details as you like.
Probably about ten. Seeing Jack on Skype when we were apart triggered one sex thought, while others were spontaneous. These thoughts happened to involve Jack, and a couple of female friends who I am really close to. Yesterday, one of these female friends told me about a guy she hooked up with over the weekend, and it really turned me on. The other female friend visited us in the hospital before I gave birth to our baby, and said, in front of Jack, that she’d never seen my vagina before. For some reason both Jack and I found that kind of hot, even though she didn’t seem to mean it in that way. Among the sexual thoughts I’ve had in the last 24 hours are a fantasy of stripping for an audience, and having sex with Jack while people watch, either online or in person.

By now, you know the drill. This week’s batch of questions was originally posted at TMI Tuesday on July 31, 2006.

Jack’s Answers:

1. Is there any type of sexual act you’re embarrassed to ask for? (If so, what? Hee…)
Not currently. I suppose I might have been slow to ask for something outside the quote-unquote norm if I was dating someone casually and/or it was the beginning of our sexual relationship, but with Jill I’m never embarrassed or self-conscious about my desires. In fact, we’re so in-tune that she usually knows what I want before I can ask for it.

2. Have you ever dumped someone purely because of bad sexual performance?
Honestly, I don’t think I have. Most of the women I dated when I was single gave me many other reasons to dump them.

3. Name something you would say no to if asked to do in bed.
Probably something involving direct contact another guy. For all my social liberalism and whatnot, it’s simply not something that turns me on.

4. The three words that best describe you in bed are ____, ____, and ____.
Confident, kinky and virile, according to Jill

5. Have you ever been so emotionally moved by a sexual experience (in a good way), that you cried?
No.

Bonus (as in optional): What could your partner bring to bed that would most turn you on?
A friend

Jill’s Answers:

1. Is there any type of sexual act you’re embarrassed to ask for? (If so, what? Hee…)
I’m very vocal in bed and have never been shy about asking for and getting what I want. I’m lucky to have a great partner who not only accepts this, but insists on it.

2. Have you ever dumped someone purely because of bad sexual performance?
Yes. I have broken off a sexual relationship because the sex was bad.

3. Name something you would say no to if asked to do in bed.
Anything involving pee or poop

4. The three words that best describe you in bed are ____, ____, and ____.
Adventurous, open-minded and sexy, according to Jack

5. Have you ever been so emotionally moved by a sexual experience (in a good way), that you cried?
Yes. Once while making love with Jack – and it was definitely “making love” that time – the emotions and the physical pleasure were so intense that, at the height of my climax I broke down and cried.

Bonus (as in optional): What could your partner bring to bed that would most turn you on?
Definitely another person

As with last week, we’re recycling an old batch of TMI Tuesday questions, this one from July 25, 2006.

Jack’s Answers:

1. Have you ever called in sick to have sex?
I’m sure I have; however, I was much more likely to call in late, as in “I’m running a little late because I am dropping my mid-afternoon fuck off at school or her parents’ house”, mainly when I was in college, worked part-time, and had already blown off school to have sex.

2. Do you feel “entitled” to sex when you are in a relationship?
Yes. I don’t feel entitled to it all the time, but I have always enjoyed the fact that, when in a relationship, I am getting sex on a more or less regular basis.

3. Have you ever dated/married purely for money?
No, and I can say with 100% certainty that no one ever dated me purely for money.

4. Have you ever, of your own free will, had sex with someone you didn’t really want to? Why?
Duh. Of course I have. Why? Because it usually beats going home alone and masturbating.

5. Name three words that:
a) get you excited
“Benefits”. Not a sexy word in and of itself, but I’ll admit to having “friends with” precede it for so many years that I now think of it in a completely different way than the average English speaker.
b) make you squirm
“Vasectomy.” I trust no explanation is needed.
c) make you laugh
“Obeliscolychny.” It’s a fancy word for lighthouse, usually followed by “building”. Hey, why not shave a couple syllables off of that monster and just say “lighthouse”?

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had sex with a relative (cousin, inlaw…)?
Does my wife count as a relative?

Jill’s Answers:

1. Have you ever called in sick to have sex?
Yes. I once met a boyfriend for a booty call at a hotel that happened to be a block away from work.

2. Do you feel “entitled” to sex when you are in a relationship?
Hell yeah! What’s the point of being in a relationship if you don’t get all the benefits?

3. Have you ever dated/married purely for money?
No.

4. Have you ever, of your own free will, had sex with someone you didn’t really want to? Why?
Yes, because I was horny.

5. Name three words that:
a) get you excited
“Titties.” I’m such a guy, but you say “titties,” I get excited.
b) make you squirm
“Saliva.” Saliva itself tends to gross me out, and so does the sound of the word.
c) make you laugh
“Penis.” It’s a funny word.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had sex with a relative (cousin, inlaw…)?
No!

As any child of the ’60s, ’70s and ’80s knows, by the year 2000 we were promised a wealth of exciting technology designed to make our lives resemble a science-fiction movie. The Jetsons and Back to the Future Part II, amongst other productions, gave us a vision of the future that included hoverboards, food pills, video phones, casual space travel, flat-panel television sets, robot maids and concubines, and the much-ballyhooed flying car. Though today flatscreen televisions are in most homes, and people engage in videoconferencing (and cybersex) via webcam applications such as Skype, little else of day-to-day life in 2010 America looks anything like the world inhabited by George Jetson. It would seem that the fantastic technological advancements promised to the current generation will be recycled as promises made to the next generation. We live in a world in which cars don’t fly, space travel is reserved for professional astronauts and the obscenely wealthy, and our maids, butlers and other servants are flesh and blood and cannot be owned. At least, not legally.

While robot maids are currently a pipe dream, robot concubines are now a reality, thanks to the good people at True Companion. This is almost certainly old news, but thanks to impending fatherhood my finger is so far from the pulse of sex-related journalism that it took me almost two months to post this. In the off-chance that you are unaware of this technological breakthrough, here’s what you need to know about Roxxxy, the world’s first functional sex robot:

LAS VEGAS–A New Jersey company says it has developed “the world’s first sex robot,” a life-size rubber doll that’s designed to engage the owner with conversation rather than lifelike movement.

At a demonstration at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas on Saturday, the dark-haired, negligee-clad robot said “I love holding hands with you” when it sensed that its creator touched its hand.

Another action, this one unprintable, elicited a different vocal response from Roxxxy the robot. The level of sophistication demonstrated was not beyond that of a child’s talking toy, but Roxxxy has a lot more brains than that – there’s a laptop connected to cables coming out of its back. It has touch sensors at strategic locations and can sense when it’s being moved. But it can’t move on its own, not even to turn its head or move its lips. The sound comes out of an internal loudspeaker.

Douglas Hines, founder of Lincoln Park, N.J.-based True Companion LLC, said Roxxxy can carry on simple conversations. The real aim, he said, is to make the doll someone the owner can talk to and relate to.

“Sex only goes so far – then you want to be able to talk to the person,” Hines said.

The phrases that were demonstrated were prerecorded, but the robot will also be able to synthesize phrases out of prerecorded words and sounds, Hines said. The laptop will receive updates over the Internet to expand the robot’s capabilities and vocabulary. Since Hines is a soccer fan, it can already discuss Manchester United, he said. It snores, too.

Owners will also be able to select different personalities for Roxxxy, from “Wild Wendy” to “Frigid Farrah,” Hines said. He’s charging somewhere from $7,000 to $9,000 for the robot, including the laptop, and expects to start shipping in a few months.

A Japanese company, Honey Dolls, makes life-size sex dolls that can play recorded sounds, but Roxxxy’s sensors and speech capabilities appear to be more sophisticated. Hines’ goals are certainly more far-reaching.

An engineer, Hines said he was inspired to create the robot after a friend died in the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks. That got him thinking about preserving his friend’s personality, to give his children a chance to interact with him as they’re growing up. Looking around for commercial applications for artificial personalities, he initially thought he might create a home health care aide for the elderly.

“But there was tremendous regulatory and bureaucratic paperwork to get through. We were stuck,” Hines said. “So I looked at other markets.”

The broader goal of the company is still to take artificial personalities into the mainstream, beyond sex toys, Hines said.

“The sex robot thing is marketing – it’s really about making a companion,” he said.

In a 2007 book, “Love and Sex with Robots,” British chess player and artificial intelligence expert David Levy argues that robots will become significant sexual partners for humans, answering needs that other people are unable or unwilling to satisfy.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/11/roxxxy-robot-girlfriend-l_n_418797.html

Men have often dreamed it, but it hasn’t become a reality until today: the sex robot. The technology was developed by Douglas Hines of True Companion, an electrical engineer and computer scientist who formerly worked in the artificial intelligence lab at AT&T Bell Laboratories. Roxxxy, the sexy bot, is a completely anatomically correct and customizable companion (from features to hair color) that exhibits different personalities and responds to touch.

Depending on your mood, you can assign the robot different personalities such as Frigid Farrah or Mature Martha, who will respond differently based on the personality you choose. For example, if you hold Mature Martha’s hand, she may say “I love holding hands,” whereas if you touch Frigid Farrah she may say “What are you going to do with that hand?”

The coolest part about the robot is that you can build your own custom personality based on your preference or tweak an existing personality. Once you develop a personality you really like, members can share it with friends on True Companion’s website. The website sync also makes the robot compatible for updates and new features or sexy quirks such as a robot that responds to a S&M safety word. More like a social networking site, True Companion’s site will have a monthly fee.

The 2 1/2 year project was estimated to cost around 1 million dollars and the robot itself will cost from $7,000 to $9,000 depending on the level of customization you choose. New robots are in the works that will build upon this internal computing model and incorporate more movement. The male version, Rocky, available as a gay robot or a heterosexual robot is currently being developed.

True Companion claims that the robot isn’t solely used for sex but is rather a life partner or mate for those who can’t find or don’t want the real thing. According to True Companion’s Web site, she “can carry on a discussion and expresses her love to you and be your loving friend. She can talk to you, listen to you and feel your touch.” Well, Roxxxy certainly won’t make you put the seat down.

http://www.gizmag.com/roxxxy-us7000-sex-robot/14063/

When it comes to technology, the sex industry is no laggard, and as robots become more human-like in their appearance and abilities, US-based company TrueCompany is poised to launch Roxxxy – the world’s first sex robot – that has many more capabilities than your average sex doll. Apart from having better defined physical features than previous dolls, Roxxxy has been programmed with her own personality and her manufacturers say she can listen, talk, carry on a conversation, feel your touch and respond to it, as well as move her private areas inside when she is being “utilized” to deliver an unforgettable erotic experience. There are even plans for a male version – Rocky the Robot.

Roxxxy is the ninth version of TrueCompanion’s sex robot. She began development in 2001.

“Our first sex robot, Trudy, was built in the 1990s and was not designed for resale. Rather, she was a test bed to refine techniques which we would later use in Roxxxy and Rocky TrueCompanion,” says designer and partner Douglas Hines.

While Roxxxy might look like a high-end quality doll, Hines assures us that the similarities end there.

Apart from her ability to move certain sections of her anatomy (her three high quality construction “inputs” as he delicately states) she also has a personality which is matched as much as possible to her owner’s personality.

“So she likes what you like, dislikes what you dislike, etc. She also has moods during the day just like real people! She can be sleepy, conversational or she can ‘be in the mood’,” says Hines.

She even has an orgasm!

Roxxxy has a heartbeat and a circulatory system! The circulatory system helps heat the inside of her body.

Apart from the usual options sex dolls come with, purchasers can specify her hair color, hair style, skin tone, makeup selection, etc, (the company can also accommodate custom requests), Hines says Roxxxy owners may decide to have the sex robot use one of her five other pre-programmed personalities:

* Frigid Farrah – reserved and shy
* Wild Wendy – outgoing and adventurous
* S&M Susan – ready to provide your pain/pleasure fantasies
* Young Yoko – barely 18 and waiting for you to teach her
* Mature Martha – very experienced and would like to teach you!

And/or “you can build your own additional girlfriend personalities,” adds Hines.

“She interacts just like a human interacts,” says Hines. “She hears what you are saying as well as where you are touching her and responds as appropriately as possible.”

For instance, if you have Roxxxy using her “Frigid Farrah” personality and you touched her in a private area, more than likely, she will not be too appreciative of your advance. But if your Roxxxy is using the “Wild Wendy” personality, she will want you to do it again!

Roxxxy is flexible enough to allow owners to add to the five preloaded girlfriend profiles and change the existing five personalities to better suit their preferences.

Hines explains that it is possible to share girlfriends (other Roxxxy robots) with other owners by “swapping” them back and forth online.

“For example, you lend your custom-built girlfriend, ‘Sexy Susan’ to one of your friends online – but he can only ‘use’ her until Sunday morning and then she needs to be returned to you. Until Sunday morning, he can ‘engage’ your girlfriend by using your Sexy Susan personality with his Roxxxy sex robot. You also have the option of sharing your girlfriend with everyone in our forum if you would like. You will also have access to everyone else’s girlfriends, if they allow them to be shared.”

Hines says this is the same as wife or girlfriend-swapping without any of the social issues or sexual disease-related concerns.

“All of these features, which all of our sex robots share, make them truly a unique experience,” he says, proudly.

At present, Roxxxy models can only speak English but the company anticipates releasing Japanese, Spanish and German-speaking versions soon.

Hines says the company is pleased to have had thousands of requests to buy the sex robots and has had many inquiries with additional questions.

“When you decide to have your own Roxxxy, you will also be subscribed to a monthly support plan that will cover any general support questions as well as updates to your Roxxxy,” says Hines.

“Since the subscription service includes updates, she requires a link to the Internet via Wi-Fi. If necessary, you can hook her up to a network cable if you do not have wireless access at your location.”

Who are potential buyers of Roxxxy (and Rocky)?

Hines says the sex robots are helping individuals as well as couples spice up their sex lives as well as giving them a true companion (i.e. TrueCompanion) to share their most erotic fantasies or simply to have someone provide them with companionship and unconditional love.

“We also have many people that have hit a ‘dry spell’ in their love life or do not have many suitable mates living near them. Other couples want to experience a ‘threesome’. We are happy to make our customers’ dreams come true with their own TrueCompanion.”

For those worried about privacy, Hines states that all information is kept confidential. “Also, all billing and shipments reference the generic computer-sounding company name of our partner company: Data Software Solutions, LLC or Data Software Solutions Support. Roxxxy ain’t cheap. This top shelf gal’s base price is US$7,000 but as Hines attests, she’s not a sex doll, she’s a sex robot!

“We have a limited time deep discount program being offered as well as flexible payment plans.”

Details are on the TrueCompanion website.

http://www.gizmag.com/roxxxy-us7000-sex-robot/14063/

I would probably have a similar expression on my face if the gentleman pictured was sitting behind me.

-Jack

Since it appears that TMI Tuesday has ceased posting new sets of questions, we have taken it upon ourselves to delve into the archives (i.e. before we began participating) and answer a previously-issued set. Here now are our answers to the July 17, 2006 edition of TMI Tuesday.

Have you ever…

Jack’s Answers

1. had sex with someone ten years older or younger than you?
Older, yes. Younger, no.

2. drawn from a nude model?
No.

3. had sex at a company Christmas party?
Nope.

4. had a blind date?
In the most traditional sense of the term, being set up by mutual friends, no I have not. However, our first date saw Jill and I meeting in person after communicating online and via telephone. So if that counts as a blind date, then yes.

5. slept with a teacher?
Sleepin’ with one now!

Bonus (as in optional): had sex with someone within an hour of meeting them?
I don’t believe so. That much of a player I am not.

Jill’s Answers

1. had sex with someone ten years older or younger than you?
No.

2. drawn from a nude model?
No.

3. had sex at a company Christmas party?
No.

4. had a blind date?
Yes.

5. slept with a teacher?
No.

Bonus (as in optional): had sex with someone within an hour of meeting them?
No.

Jack’s Answers

1. For self-arousal, if you could reach any part of your body with your mouth, which part would you like to reach and why?
Well, I guess the obvious answer would be my cock, not that I find any sort of real pleasure in the idea of autofellatio. Yes, it’s supposed to be the holy grail of the male experience, and sure, we’ve all watched Ron Jeremy do it and thought it was indeed an accomplishment, if a bizarre one. But I don’t have any desire to suck my own cock. It seems that it would be too much work, sort of like sixty-nine with the risk of death-by-broken-neck. And since I’ve never sucked a cock before, it stands to reason that I’d be really bad at it, and therefore the pleasure factor would be infinitesimal. But other than my cock, I can’t think of a single other part of my body that I’d want to reach with my mouth; while I get pleasure from, say, having my nipples sucked, I don’t get nearly enough to want to do it myself.

Obviously, I can’t discuss the topic of autofellatio without recalling a classic scene from Kevin Smith‘s 1994 film “Clerks.” Have Dramamine ready.

2. If you reached that part of your body, how often and how long would you want to stay there?
Probably not very long or often. I don’t know that I’m sufficiently confident in my heterosexuality to enjoy sucking even my own cock.

3. If the opportunity arose, what would you like to do to someone else that you have never been game to try before?
In one hundred percent seriousness, I haven’t the slightest idea. I can’t think of any sex act or even plausible sexual position involving myself and another person that I’ve yet to try. Locations? Perhaps. Specific people I’d like to do specific things to? No doubt. And I’ve never been a fan of the Donkey Punch/Cleveland Steamer/Hot Carl school of sex acts that nineteen year-old frat boys find uproariously funny. So I think I’m just about content.

4. You have been selected to swap one of your organs with another member of the opposite sex. What would you swap and why? Who would you choose as the organ donor?
I’d switch my penis for my wife’s vagina; we could then have one of those crazy revelatory scenes right out of a 1980s screwball comedy wherein we each wake up and discover that we’ve switched genders, or at least genitalia. As for why Jill specifically, I enjoy having sex with her, and with our junk switched, we wouldn’t have to find new partners.

5. Overnight you have a beauty sleep and inexplicably awaken at dawn having now turned into the most beautiful person on the planet. What would you do differently for the next 24 hours?
What would I do differently as the most beautiful person on the planet? Not much, as I’m already almost there. Seriously, folks, were I the most beautiful person on the planet I imagine I would go apeshit for the first twenty-four hours (at least), having my ass kissed by everybody I came into contact with. Everyone would greet me with a smile! Doors would be held open everywhere I went! McDonald’s would serve me burgers that hadn’t been dropped on the floor! And yes, the law against first-degree murder would no longer apply to me.

Bonus Question: You are noticed by a talent scout and invited to star in your own x-rated movie for world wide distribution. You are asked to write the plot. Describe your movie plot in one sentence of no more than 20 words.
A small town boy fucks his way to the top, only to lose it all when he gets there.

Jill’s Answers

1. For self-arousal, if you could reach any part of your body with your mouth, which part would you like to reach and why?
If I was capable of reaching any part of my body with my mouth, I would have to go with the obvious answer: My clit. Although my nipples, thighs and feet are extremely sensitive to oral stimulation I have always wanted to eat pussy but have never had the opportunity. This would be a convenient way to satisfy my curiosity.

2. If you reached that part of your body, how often and how long would you want to stay there?
Until I came, hopefully! Nothing worse than someone giving you oral pleasure, getting all hot and bothered and having them stop before you’re finished.

3. If the opportunity arose, what would you like to do to someone else that you have never been game to try before?
See my answer to question number one.

4. You have been selected to swap one of your organs with another member of the opposite sex. What would you swap and why? Who would you choose as the organ donor?
I’d probably give my brain to a certain ex-boyfriend whose own brain didn’t work so well. But it would have to be temporary. I wouldn’t want to have his brain forever.

5. Overnight you have a beauty sleep and inexplicably awaken at dawn having now turned into the most beautiful person on the planet. What would you do differently for the next 24 hours?
Whatever I would do, I would do it a lot more confidently.

Bonus Question: You are noticed by a talent scout and invited to star in your own x-rated movie for world wide distribution. You are asked to write the plot. Describe your movie plot in one sentence of no more than 20 words.
Girl meets boy, girl gets boy, girl moves on to the next boy and repeats the process.

Jack’s Answers

1. Have you had sex with another person in 2010? Have you passed on an opportunity to [have] sex with another person in 2010?
Yes, with Jill. I have not yet had the opportunity to have sex with anyone else in 2010; therefore I’ve not passed on such an opportunity, but I was the recipient of one of the most overt pick-up lines imaginable one week ago (see #4, below, for details).

2. What is the funniest thing you have ever said or done during sex? (Orgasmic facial expressions do not count.)
Years ago, I was having sex with a young lady I’d been dating for awhile. She was really into dirty talk, and quite good at it besides. While I was telling her the story of a very tawdry hotel tryst I’d enjoyed in my past, she was asking me leading questions: “Did she suck your cock?” “Did she make you come?” “Did you make her wet?” “Did you fuck her from behind?” Eventually, she asked if I made her moan. I wasn’t in any way annoyed by this line of questioning, nor did I find it comical and/or want it to end. In fact, I was quite into it. So I’m not entirely sure why, upon being asked this last question, I decided to make a joke out of the whole thing, devising a scenario in which I physically forced the one-night stand of my story to, yes, moan – I believe my actual dialogue was, “Moan, damn you, moan!” – as the young lady cowered in a corner of the room. Of course, the woman I was relating the story to found herself laughing uncontrollably, and we had to take a break.

3. What is the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex?
I wish I was the typical guy for this one; while I do notice a woman’s body pretty quickly, it’s not the first thing I notice. Typically I notice her face first, and by that I mean the face in its entirety: Fullness of the lips, brightness of the eyes, color of the cheeks, and all the other poetry cliches.

4. What is the best pick-up line you have ever heard? Every [sic] used? Ever been used on you?
Though I like to think of myself as being above tired pick-up lines, there were times during my single years when they were a necessity. I have always considered the ideal pick-up line to be either completely genuine, or else so out-of-left-field that the recipient can’t help but take notice. (The effectiveness depends on the mindset of the intended recipient.) It’s rare that I find myself on the receiving end of a pick-up line, though last week I found myself in the checkout line of a local grocery store purchasing several pounds of pork roast when the woman behind me leaned over and whispered, “I love to eat pork.” Usually I am pretty good at flirting, though this time I confess to being taken so aback that I mumbled a completely inane response that killed whatever aura of mystery that may have led the young lady to engage me. As for my own pick-up lines, I have had moderate success approaching a woman at a bar and informing her that she dropped something. When she asks what she dropped, I would reply, “My jaw,” and offer to buy her a drink. Bear in mind, we’re only talking moderate success.

5. Where is the most unique [place] you have ever had sex?
Since most of the out-of-the-ordinary places I’ve had sex are far from unique, I’m going to go with a child’s treehouse (the child being the little brother of a girl I was dating) on the Fourth of July. The fireworks definitely made it more exciting.

Bonus (as in optional): Do you pee in the shower? If so, has any SO known that you pee in the shower? Has any SO peed in the shower?
Yes I do, but I aim for the drain. I’m not sure if Jill knows (I don’t usually pee when we’re in the shower together), but she will as soon as I post this. I have no clue whether my SOs (past or present) were shower-urinators.

Jill’s Answers

1. Have you had sex with another person in 2010? Have you passed on an opportunity to [have] sex with another person in 2010?
Yes (Jack) and no.

2. What is the funniest thing you have ever said or done during sex? (Orgasmic facial expressions do not count.)
I really can’t think of anything! I’m sure there is something funny that I have done or said during sex, possibly while drunk, but I have no recollection. If I think of anything, I will post it!

3. What is the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex?
His eyes.

4. What is the best pick-up line you have ever heard? Every [sic] used? Ever been used on you?
I’m not really the kind of person to use pick-up lines, but I have heard more than my share, and most of those have been used on me. Some even worked. One of the best I have ever heard was, “If I had a dime for every time I saw someone as pretty as you I’d have a dime.” One of the corniest ones was, “Just call me Fred Flintstone, because I can make your bed rock!” An old boyfriend’s roommate once tried to come onto me by saying that he was about to retire to his bedroom to masturbate, and did I mind if he fantasized about me while he did. I didn’t sleep with him, obviously, but I was flattered and I told him he didn’t need my permission to fantasize. Jack told me later that he probably wanted me to explicitly give him permission, and that he was hoping – if I wouldn’t sleep with him – that I would show an interest in his solo activities.

5. Where is the most unique [place] you have ever had sex?
On top of the slide at a local park.

Bonus (as in optional): Do you pee in the shower? If so, has any SO known that you pee in the shower? Has any SO peed in the shower?
Yes I have, he knows now, and probably.

Last week, one of my single friends posted a message on Facebook inviting all of her single friends to a Valentine’s Day party on Friday night. But it wasn’t a mixer for hopeful singles to meet other hopeful singles; no, it was specifically for her female friends who haven’t yet found love to commiserate about what bastards men are and how much they hate their romantic lives, or lack thereof.

I felt sorry for her, for just a moment. She’s a very sweet person, attractive, and with much to offer to the right guy. But I really thought that the stereotypical bitter “men are pigs” attitude was beneath her. Because it apparently is not, on Tuesday afternoon I toyed with the idea of posting a comment on her invitation:

“That reminds me: I need to order flowers to be sent to Jill at work! Thanks!”

(I did have flowers sent to Jill at work, and I hadn’t forgotten; I like that sort of ostentatious display of romance not because I feel I need to compensate for a lack of passion in our relationship, but mostly because that type of sweetness appears to be lacking in society, at least from where I’m sitting. Besides, I love her and I want the whole world to know.)

In the end, I didn’t post the comment on my friend’s Facebook page. Perhaps it would have been rude or mean to rub in the faces of my friend and her friends my utter joy on Valentine’s Day, but I don’t refrain from doing it the rest of the year so she probably would’ve understood, or even appreciated my little dig. Perhaps it would have been noble to show her that there are good men out there, men who won’t cheat or play mind games, and not to give up hope. In the end I decided not to post my comment for the sole reason that Jill is also friends with this person, and would’ve been able to read the comment. And although I’ve not yet missed a Valentine’s Day or birthday since we met, I know my wife is not the sort to become complacent and expect such a thing. Everytime I send her flowers at work I immediately get an appreciative, gushing phone call expressing not only her love for me, but also some of the naughty things she plans to do to me as soon as we see each other; and that’s why the tradition continues.

If you’re fortunate enough to have found someone special, Jill and I wish you the happiest of Valentine’s Days, but warn you not to use this day as an excuse to forget about love and romance the rest of the year. If you are alone today, enjoy Singles Awareness Day (ironically, SAD), and take solace in the fact that you don’t have to spend heaps of money on flowers, dinner, chocolates and whatnot; or take part in crass commercialism of the type formerly reserved for Christmas.

-Jack