Jack’s Answers

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?
Most women. If I have to be more specific than that, I will say that in the past I have lusted after my high school Spanish teacher, as well as various women I dated or wanted to date. Of late I find myself lusting for numerous platonic female friends, as well as more than a couple of my sisters-in-law, though I’ve taken a lesson from Jimmy Carter and confined my lust to my heart (or at least my mind). While Jill may have no problem with my quiet attraction to other women, there’s no telling how THEY might take it.

2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?
At the moment I’m going to say pizza. Tomorrow you’d get a different answer.

3. GREED: What are you greedy for?
Happiness. Can I be greedy for happiness? If I can, put me down for that, because if one is truly happy, one needs not be greedy for anything else.

4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?
Sleeping in until about nine or ten, then getting dressed – unlike my wife I can’t be comfortable in pajamas for very long after I’ve woken up – and doing some things around the house, likely while watching movies or television. That’s about as idle as I care to be.

5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.
I once lost it on a guy in defense of his girlfriend, who was a friend of mine at the time. Wasn’t proud of my actions then, and I’m not particularly proud of my actions fifteen years later. But it needed to happen.

6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?
I envy those who can be truly happy without accumulation of material things. I’ve never known what that’s like.

7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?
Of course I have. I’m not always right, though I frequently am. When I am wrong about something, I’ll quickly admit it, if only to deprive the party that is right the opportunity to gloat. I’m proud of my relationship with Jill, and the fact that, together, we have built the sex life I’ve always dreamed of having.

Jill’s Answers

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?
I have actively lusted after the husband of a close friend of mine, especially when I was single. I would never have tried to seduce him without her blessing, but had she asked me to have a threesome with them, I would have agreed without any hesitation. Besides him, I have fantasized about many other friends, including some of the friends who regularly (or occasionally) read this blog. You know who you are.

2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?
Mashed potatoes. Hot sourdough bread and butter.

3. GREED: What are you greedy for?
Sex, love and attention, not necessarily in that order. I can’t get enough of any of them.

4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?
Waking up around noon and hanging out by a warm fire in my PJs. Maybe reading a great book for awhile. Then curling up on the couch to watch a chick flick while drinking some peppermint hot chocolate.

5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.
I can’t think of any off the top of my head! It’s not that I’m not that kind of person, or that I’ve never let someone have it (verbally more likely than physically). But these things happen so rarely that I can’t recall.

6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?
I envy people like my great uncle and my grandmother, who were so warm and outgoing that they could make you feel like the most important person in their life everytime they spoke to you, or even everytime they were in your presence.

7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?
I’ve had to swallow my pride many times when I was wrong about something. I am proud of the difference I have made in the lives of the people I work with. I’m very proud of the woman I have become, and the mother that I will be.

Jack’s Answers

1. What famous people share your birthday? Any the same year as well as day?
Steve Martin, Mila Kunis, Wim Wenders, David Crosby, Gary Larson. There are a few allegedly famous people who share the year as well as the day, but they weren’t famous enough (to me) to warrant inclusion.

2. Have you ever shared an address (before, during or after) with anyone famous?
I onced shared living space with Ted Kaczynski – that’s right, the Unabomber – when we both attended Harvard University in the late 1950s. Either that, or no I haven’t. Not sure which.

3. Who else has your name? (Google yourself and see who else shows up)
My full name is pretty uncommon, so I figured I’d list some folks who share my first name: Jack Bauer, Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain Jack Harkness, Jack Skellington, Jack Sprat, Jack Nicholson, Jack Kerouac, Jack Kennedy, Jack Black, Jack White, Jack of Jack and the Beanstalk fame, Jack Benny, Jack Lemmon, Jack the Ripper, Jack Squat, Jack Shit, Jackass, Jackalope, Jackanapes, Jack Off, Jackrabbit, Jack-o-Lantern, Jack of All Trades, Jackpot. That’s all I got.

4. Test the Six Degrees theory. Do you know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who knows President Obama? How about, say Dolly Parton?
I literally have no clue whether anyone I know is six degrees (or even twelve) away from President Obama, or Dolly Parton, or anyone else. However…see below.

5. Try the sexual version. Have you had sex with someone who might have . . . anyone famous? (e.g. I slept with a woman who had slept with a Hollywood stuntman, who might have….)
I slept with someone who claimed to have had sex with someone who worked for Bill Clinton in his second term. That person could very well have had sex with with one of the many women Clinton had sex with.

Jill’s Answers

1. What famous people share your birthday? Any the same year as well as day?
Bobby Lee, Elvira, Ken Kesey, David Souter, John Ritter, Doug E. Fresh, Bryan Singer, Dustin Nguyen, Baz Luhrmann, Rita Rudner.

2. Have you ever shared an address (before, during or after) with anyone famous?
If I did, it’s news to me!

3. Who else has your name? (Google yourself and see who else shows up)
I entered my maiden name into Google and found that I share names with a novelist, a photographer, and a musician, and that was just the first three results!

4. Test the Six Degrees theory. Do you know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who knows President Obama? How about, say Dolly Parton?
I know a couple famous people in less than six degrees. Of course, I probably shouldn’t mention them by name.

5. Try the sexual version. Have you had sex with someone who might have . . . anyone famous? (e.g. I slept with a woman who had slept with a Hollywood stuntman, who might have….)
This one is definitely a yes!

Jack’s Answers

1. When you masturbate, how long, typically, is your session and what do you think about (other than having an orgasm)?
Typically not very long. More often than not I’m alone and just want to get off, though when I’ve got some time I’ve been known to take awhile to reach my goal. As for what I’m thinking about, my fantasies are diverse in nature. During any given session I might be fantasizing about women I know and want to have sex with, woman I know and have had sex with, sex in public or with an audience, sex with multiple women, and even – gasp! – sex with my wife.

2. Have you ever been “caught” masturbating?
Yes indeed. And the less said about that, the better.

3. Have you ever masturbated in front of your computer? If ‘yes’ was it for your own purposes or for someone’s viewing pleasure?
Yep. I’m doing it right now, in fact. At the moment it’s for my own purposes, though I’ve done it many a time for the alleged viewing pleasure of someone watching on a webcam.

4. Have you ever attended a group masturbation party? Same-sex or mixed?
I’ve never attended a group masturbation party, but I probably would if invited. In fact, our Porn and Pizza parties were born of a discussion about group masturbation parties.

5. When masturbating, as you reach orgasm, do you continue to stimulate yourself without interruption, or do you stop and apply pressure until your spasms subside? Or?
When I come I usually stimulate myself without interruption. I’m all about the non-stop stimulation, whether it’s during masturbation, oral sex or just about anything else.

6. Have you ever video’ed yourself while masturbating (solo)? Where are they now?
I did this a few times with a camcorder when I was a teenager. I liked the idea of being filmed more than, say, watching myself beat off afterwards. And since I was a minor at the time, these videos have long since been erased.

Bonus (as in optional): How often do you use the word “fuck” (or its derivatives) in casual conversation – frequently, occasionally, rarely, never.
Really fucking frequently.

Jill’s Answers:

1. When you masturbate, how long, typically, is your session and what do you think about (other than having an orgasm)?
It depends on whether I’m alone or with Jack, and how long I have to spend on myself. If I am alone and trying to have an orgasm before I get to sleep I can probably do it in a few minutes. If I’m with Jack and my masturbation is part of our sex play I usually take much longer.

2. Have you ever been “caught” masturbating?
A few times. I know Jack enjoys walking in on me, but he’s not the only one who’s caught me playing with myself.

3. Have you ever masturbated in front of your computer? If ‘yes’ was it for your own purposes or for someone’s viewing pleasure?
I have definitely done this, both for my own purposes (watching porn) and for someone’s viewing pleasure (showing off on a webcam).

4. Have you ever attended a group masturbation party? Same-sex or mixed?
No, but it sounds hot…

5. When masturbating, as you reach orgasm, do you continue to stimulate yourself without interruption, or do you stop and apply pressure until your spasms subside? Or?
I usually stop stimulating myself and ride the waves of pleasure.

6. Have you ever video’ed yourself while masturbating (solo)? Where are they now?
I’ve never filmed myself, but Jack has filmed me.

Bonus (as in optional): How often do you use the word “fuck” (or its derivatives) in casual conversation – frequently, occasionally, rarely, never.
I use it pretty often. I find that I have to censor myself in certain aspects of my life including my professional life so when I’m around friends I tend to let loose with the profanity.

Would you rather…

Jack’s Answers

1. Ideal amount of sex per week?
I’ve always wanted to try daily sex – meaning with Jill. Masturbation is great, but it’s not the sex I’m talking about. I’d like to think I’d be up for the challenge of daily sex for awhile, though I have no doubt that I’d peter out (no pun intended) before long. Considering Jill’s sex drive (especially during the pregnancy), every two to three days sounds manageable.

2. Ever had an online affair?
Sure have, though not in quite a few years.

3. Are you a member of the mile high club?
Yes

4. Are you predjudice against any particular group of people?
Sure am! Users, liars and hypocrites, to name just three of many.

5. What constitutes bad sex?
Hmm…that’s a tough one. I have bad sex so rarely – and indeed I haven’t had it in years – that it’s hard to say, exactly. There was a time when I might have said that sex is bad when it’s with someone I feel nothing for, or actively dislike. In hindsight, while some sort of emotional connection can liven up dull sex, I can honestly say that I’ve had tons of great sex with people I didn’t like. Now? Now I might say that sex is bad when you really don’t want to have it, because from a man’s perspective I can’t think of much of anything that would make me write off sex as bad.

Bonus (as in optional): Can females ejaculate?
We rarely answer the bonus question, as it’s hard for us to regularly find time to answer the actual questions. But we felt we ought to answer this one, if only to quell whatever doubt is still out there. Yes, women can ejaculate! Do some research, put forth a little effort, and make it happen!

Jill’s Answers:

1. Ideal amount of sex per week?
Whatever it takes for my partner and I to be satisfied.

2. Ever had an online affair?
Yes

3. Are you a member of the mile high club?
Yes

4. Are you predjudice against any particular group of people?
Not that I can think of.

5. What constitutes bad sex?
Unsatisfying, uncomfortable or otherwise unpleasant sex. Forced sex. Sex with someone who doesn’t care whether you have an orgasm or even enjoy yourself. Sex that you have out of obligation or when you’re just “going through the motions.”

Bonus (as in optional): Can females ejaculate?
Yes! I’m living proof!

Would you rather…

Jack’s Answers

1. Have eyes that always smile or a voice that makes people calm?
Hmm…Probably a voice that makes people calm. I imagine that it would be invaluable in times of crisis.

2. Have an affair and your partner catches you or your partner have an affair and you catch him/her?
Catch her, I guess. Obviously I’d rather Jill not have an affair, and if she did I don’t think I’d want to catch her. But I can’t imagine the embarrassment and guilt I’d feel if I was the one caught.

3. Have better sex or more money?
More money, without a doubt. I can’t imagine better sex than what I’m having now.

4. Be able to read everyone’s mind all the time or always know the future?
Neither. But if I had to choose one, perhaps the mind-reading thing would come in handy. It’s the “all the time” aspect that I don’t like, incidentally.

5. Your partner have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else?
Have sex with someone else, definitely.

Jill’s Answers

1. Have eyes that always smile or a voice that makes people calm?
I’m going to say eyes that always smile, since Jack tells me that my voice does make him calm.

2. Have an affair and your partner catches you or your partner have an affair and you catch him/her?
I’d rather catch Jack than be caught.

3. Have better sex or more money?
Better sex?

4. Be able to read everyone’s mind all the time or always know the future?
Always know the future.

5. Your partner have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else?
Have sex. No love though.

Would you rather…..

Jack’s Answers

1. A relaxing vacation or an adventurous trip?
Depends on the destination for each, and my mood. Were we staying at an all-expenses-paid resort, I don’t see myself breaking a sweat to have adventures per se; a quiet and relaxing time would be ideal. On the other hand, I don’t see myself traveling halfway around the world to have a relaxing vacation. Under that set of circumstances I think I’d want to leave the hotel and have an adventure or two.

2. Get a perfect nights sleep or have amazing sex?
Amazing sex.

3. Be intimate with the lights on or off?
Lights on, always.

4. Your S/O be a terrible kisser who could always make you orgasm or an amazing kisser who could never make you orgasm?
That’s a tough one. I guess I would say an amazing kisser who could never make me orgasm. I love kissing, and I don’t mind making myself come when necessary.

5. Date someone much younger or much older than you?
Much younger. I’ve dated quite a few women who were significantly older than me, but not so many who were significantly younger. If I had to choose one or the other, it would definitely be a younger woman.

Jill’s Answers

1. A relaxing vacation or an adventurous trip?
An adventurous trip. We just returned from a relaxing vacation, and it was Heaven. We did manage to have a couple adventures, but it was wonderful to have literally nothing to do. For our next trip I’d love to do something more out of the ordinary.

2. Get a perfect nights sleep or have amazing sex?
Amazing sex!

3. Be intimate with the lights on or off?
With the lights on. Here’s a true story. The first or second time Jack and I had sex, I had left the lights off. I think I was self-conscious about my body. He actually asked if we could leave them on, as he wanted to experience me with all of his senses.

4. Your S/O be a terrible kisser who could always make you orgasm or an amazing kisser who could never make you orgasm?
An amazing kisser who could never make me orgasm.

5. Date someone much younger or much older than you?
It depends how much younger or older. I’m actually right at the age where, say, fifteen or twenty years in either direction would be pretty hot. I’ll just say twenty years younger, as a man at this age would be right around his sexual peak.

Jack’s List:

1. Occasional fondly-remembered webcam fun with our friends Vincent Vega and Mia Wallace early in the year.

2. With her pregnancy, Jill’s breasts have increased in size from plump-but-modest to mammoth.

3. Jessica Biel’s nude scenes in Powder Blue. What can I say? I’ve been waiting for her to disrobe on camera for years.

4. Porn and Pizza Rolls may not have the same ring as Porn and Pizza, but as of now it’s the closest we’ve come to resuming our 2006 party series.

5. Performing for a male friend of ours was really exciting, moreso than I had expected. Obviously being naked and erect in the same room as another man but not another woman isn’t really my preferred exhibitionism scenario, but both Jill and I found the situation hot. (Story is forthcoming. Hopefully.)

Jill’s List:

1. While watching porn with Jack and a male friend at one of our post-Christmas Porn and Pizza Roll parties (see Jack’s #4, above), I experienced a sudden and overwhelming urge to have an orgasm. I discretely excused myself to the bathroom and had one of the most intense self-induced orgasms I can remember. Our male friend’s wife was at work, or I might have thrown caution to the wind right there on their sofa.

2. Visiting an adult video or toy store is always fun, but visiting several of them with open-minded close friends is even more fun!

3. For Christmas, Jack bought me Peep Show: Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionists, an erotic anthology edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel. I haven’t read it yet, but I’m excited about it. Hopefully it’s as hot as Caught Looking and Hide and Seek.

4. The Hummingbird Jack bought me at Babeland. In the three days since I got it, it’s provided us with hours of fun, and me with many great orgasms.

5. On her podcast Open Source Sex, Violet Blue read a story called Shift Change by an author named Emerald. It’s from Best Women’s Erotica 2010, and if the story is representative of the book as a whole, it must be the best volume yet. We listened to Shift Change on Christmas Eve, on the same stretch of highway where we listened to Central Registry several months before. Very sexy and exciting!

Happy New Year!

I’d love to say that we have integrity. I’d love to say that this blog is not for sale. I’d love to say that we are incapable of being bought, of caving to special interests, of endorsing an inferior product in exchange for pay. I’d love to say these things, but in these uncertain economic times I cannot, with one hundred percent certainty, say any of them. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m pretty sure that we do in fact have integrity; unfortunately the notion that we aren’t for sale is one about which I’m much more uncertain.

Though I am not sure that we would never endorse an inferior product in exchange for pay, we will now endorse a superior one for absolutely no remuneration whatsoever. That superior product is the Eroscillator, and we believe that it’s the only sex toy you will ever need. Yes, we realize that it’s way too late in the season to be giving out Christmas recommendations. And we realize that we certainly do use other sex toys in our collection, though none as frequently as the Eroscillator. And we realize that at a suggested retail price of $127.95 for the most basic package (the Eroscillator and three attachments) all the way up to $240.90 for the Eroscillator and all seven available attachments, this isn’t a toy for a masturbator with a budget. However, in the three years since we’ve owned an Eroscillator, it has provided us with countless hours of fun, and more orgasms than any single toy should be capable of. Though probably not the priciest sex toy available for purchase, we can’t imagine getting any more use, and indeed enjoyment, out of anything we own.

The Eroscillator is billed as “the only vibrator ever recommended by Dr. Ruth Westheimer.” It promises “powerful but gentle stimulation” leading to “earth-shattering explosions”, and in our experience it delivers. Powerful enough to be used for solo masturbation, but equally useful when having sex with a partner, over the last three years the Eroscillator may very well have revolutionized our already-spectacular sex life.

Buying an Eroscillator? May we also suggest a Fascinator Throe by Liberator? They come in handy, especially in conjunction with the aforementioned sex toy, when used by a woman prone to ejaculation.

Jill and I are expecting our first child. She is well into her second trimester and all appears to be going as expected.

One thing that I was not expecting, however, is my wife’s increased level of libido. Certainly our sex life was not lacking before we conceived our child. Now, however, it’s gone off the charts, not only in terms of frequency but also with regard to the variety of activities we’ve been enjoying and the locations in which we’ve been enjoying them. I know that, not very long ago, I bemoaned the fact that Jill’s use of fantasy seemed to have taken a backseat to her use of porn, but I was probably complaining prematurely. Yes, we’d briefly fallen into the habit of watching porn for the purpose of speeding things up and getting us where we needed to go, but it was short-lived. We’ve been having more sex than before, for longer periods of time. I don’t know if the pregnancy has something to do with this, but I’m not complaining.

In researching this phenomenon I found that, during the first trimester, it’s not uncommon for sex to take a backseat as the new parents-to-be adjust to the reality of the pregnancy, and the mother-to-be deals with physical concerns such as fatigue and morning sickness. We experienced none of this. And though we were having fairly regular sex during the first trimester, it’s nothing compared to the barrage of amazing lovemaking we’ve been experiencing since the second trimester began a couple months ago. And as stated above, it’s not just the frequency, but the quality. There seems to be even more passion, more excitement. Best of all, Jill seems to be initiating it just as much – if not moreso – than I do.

We spent Thanksgiving weekend at Jill’s parents’ house. On Wednesday night, I retired to bed and did a little reading, while Jill stayed downstairs for awhile, talking to her siblings. I’d been reading for about forty-five minutes when Jill came into our room, stripped, and gave me a blowjob. Then she rode me until we both came. Not satisfied with her orgasm, she managed three more before we switched positions and I came again. Though I was ecstatic over my wife’s rocket-propelled sex drive, I was also exhausted, and fell asleep.

I woke at six o’clock Thanksgiving morning to the low buzz of Jill’s Eroscillator. Intrigued, I moved closer and began to service her orally. Her orgasm overtook her and she had to stifle herself with a pillow to keep from breaking the early morning silence. When she’d returned to earth, she got on her hands and knees and exhorted me to enter her. It didn’t take much persuasion, and we had sex for the next forty-five minutes, very quietly. When I came, I buried my face in her shoulder to keep from moaning, and we collapsed onto the mattress. Jill lay on her stomach for a moment, then with an amused tone said, “Baby’s awake.” Our child can sleep soundly through an hour of lovemaking, but wakes – and kicks – whenever my wife lies prone.

We behaved similarly throughout the weekend. It’s easy to excuse ourselves to the guest room for “a nap”, since pregnancy causes frequent fatigue in some women. Jill does feel more tired than she did before getting pregnant, but based on the number of naps we take when we stay at her parents’ house, they must think we’re narcoleptics. All told, we had sex seven times in four and a half days which, although not a record, isn’t something we’ve done lately. We had sex in at least eight positions (not counting sixty-nine) and had more orgasms than either of us could count, all hopefully without alerting anyone else in the house to what was going on.

I’m excited about becoming a father. But until the baby is born, it looks like I’ll have plenty of other things to be excited about.

-Jack

Has the Vampire craze gone too far? Perhaps.

Now available from adult novelty manufacturer Fleshlight, purveyors of anatomically correct “masturbation sleeves” comes the Succu Dry, pictured below.

According to the manufacturer’s website:

Introducing Succu Dry Sex in a Can from Fleshlight, the world’s first vampire inspired sex toy for men. Take a walk on the dark side and get familiar with this pale brew. But be careful! Though this may feel like love at first bite, make sure you have wood poised to penetrate before you get completely drained! Enjoy to excess to ensure encounters with Succu Dry are A-Positive experience.

Succu Dry’s unique Vampire mouth opening isn’t for the faint of heart. This exclusive Undead pale sleeve color is made from the same patented Real Feel Super Skin material that’s made Fleshlight the #1 selling male sex toy in the world. The amazingly detailed vampire mouth and fangs beg you to drive your wooden stake deep inside.

To ensure an experience all its own, Fleshlight developed a brand new inner texture for the Succu Dry called “The Fang.” This intensely stimulating texture has dozens of tiny fangs that will gently bite at you until you’re drained of every last drop. Quench your lust and prepare for the ultimate vampire fantasy, but beware, this can will suck you dry!

Though the appeal of oral sex from a vampire eludes me personally – sharp fangs plus my penis equals more anxiety than ecstasy – the recent ascension of the vampire from time-tested movie monster to flat-out pop cultural icon means that the once-marginalized segment of the populace that fetishizes vampires is now much greater, and in the open. Fansites and blogs dedicated to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” slash fiction have proliferated since the inception of both series. Pre-teens swoon over the characters of Stephanie Meyer’s “Twilight” novels and films as though they were the Beatles. And the HBO original series True Blood has given viewers unfettered access to Academy Award-winner Anna Paquin’s breasts.

But the question remains: Is the Succu Dry worth the $44.95 for which it retails at Fleshlight’s Website? Surprisingly, a glance at said website reveals the Succu Dry to be significantly less expensive (as of this writing) than any of the other “Fleshlight Originals” they sell, at $64.95 each. In the off chance that anyone here has actually tried this thing, we’d love to hear about your experience. Specifically, did the fact that the Succu Dry has fangs make it any better than a standard Fleshlight?

-Jack