Last December, I wrote an entry in which I took a not-very-close look at a number of holiday-themed porn films. Two months earlier, I’d considered posting a similar entry for Halloween on horror-themed porn. Yes, there is horror themed porn. I’ve never been one to write lengthy, in-depth reviews, especially of porn films, so I thought I’d give a very quick look at a handful of titles Jill and I watched recently.

First up is Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre (2005).

This title, directed by adult legend Jonathan Morgan, manages to rip off – sorry, parody – a number of notable horror films, including Friday the 13th, Psycho, Jaws, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Scream, and I Know What You Did Last Summer, as well as, inexplicably, American Beauty.

A number of shots appear to be borrowed from various slasher movies, notably the Friday the 13th series,

while others are straight out of Halloween:

Among the other films referenced are The Ring,

and The Blair Witch Project.

The killer, when unmasked, appears to be a cross between Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Leatherface.

Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre is an entertaining film, to be sure. The violence, where present, is not graphic and cannot possibly be taken seriously. It’s got a decent sense of humor, especially for a porn film, and it’s clear that the director is familiar with the staples of the horror genre: nubile college students, ineffective police officers, creepy locals issuing sinister warnings, and masked psychopaths carrying, yes, power tools. And of course there is plenty of sex.

As a fan of both horror and porn, this is a fun combination of both.

Next up is Friday the 13th: A Nude Beginning (1987).

While this movie borrows its title and subtitle from the fifth film in Paramount’s Friday the 13th franchise, it borrows little else. The protagonist of this film may be named Jason, and he may briefly be seen wearing a hockey goalie’s mask, but there is no real resemblance between the two properties. Unlike his horror film counterpart, this Jason has hair, speaks, and is not an axe-wielding maniac. In this film, Jason looks a lot like 1980s adult film star Paul Thomas, seen below.

As near as I can tell, the plot involves Jason in Hell, which utilizes the standard community theater “scary” set design. In Hell, he and a fellow Hellion, played by Amber Lynn, have a competition to see who can corrupt the most pious souls on Earth. The plot itself is a little threadbare, and it’s quite light on horror elements. The whole production seems to exist in order to lampoon televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, as well as parody the Iran-Contra scandal. Nina Hartley appears as an anti-porn crusader. She is seen below, swallowing Jason’s machete:

Despite its title, Friday the 13th: A Nude Beginning may not be the perfect porn film to watch on Halloween night. But at least there’s not much story getting in the way. It may be standard ’80s adult fare, but is that really a bad thing?

The third film we watched is Night of the Giving Head (2008), a film with one of the funniest (if grammatically incorrect) titles we’ve ever heard.

The story is pretty ridiculous, even for porn: Solar radiation has led to the infection of semen, causing women who ingest it orally to become, that’s right, zombies. It’s a flimsy excuse to portray zombies giving blowjobs. And by zombies, I mean adult actresses in dime-store makeup chanting, “More cock! More cum!” See below:

Clearly, special effects legend Tom Savini can rest easy. Hey, call me old fashioned, but I expect my zombies to be a bit more heavily made-up than this. The zombies I thought were cool growing up can be seen below.

Seriously, would it have killed them to apply a little light blue or gray greasepaint? I suppose it’s a moot point, as watching zombies give blowjobs to the living is one of the few things that doesn’t turn me on. Make no mistake, the sex scenes are decent, if you can get past the distracting make-up effects and the laughable nature of it all.

Our final pseudo-scary porn film is This Ain’t the Munsters XXX (2008).

A spoof of beloved 1960s sitcom The Munsters, this title features all the characters fans know and love, most in various states of undress. The plot concerns Herman planning to surprise his wife Lily by having a monstrously large cock transplanted onto his body for their wedding anniversary.

There are a number of sex scenes in This Ain’t the Munsters XXX, most of which would be much hotter if not for heavy amounts of monster make-up and prosthetics, colored light filters and other not-so-special effects. If you’ve got a Butch Patrick fetish, this title may be just what you’re looking for, as Eddie Munster (now a rock star) has a decent scene with a couple groupies.

In addition, there is a fairly vanilla sex scene featuring niece Marilyn and her boyfriend,

and a graveyard sex scene involving Grandpa. There aren’t too many scenes wherein the characters interact with one another, however – I was seriously expecting Marilyn and Lily to give each other a tongue lashing. In fact, the only scene involving more than one character from the original TV series is the final one, in which Herman lets Lily try out his newly-attached cock.

All told, This Ain’t the Munsters XXX is a film that almost must be seen to be believed, and I’m hard-pressed to determine which audience is apt to find it more bizarre a spectacle: Those who grew up watching The Munsters, or those who’ve never heard of it. While I suppose a horror aficionado might find something to get off to, for me it’s in the same pile as Night of the Giving Head. I can only imagine what the respective estates of Fred Gwynne and Yvonne DeCarlo make of it.

-Jack

During a recent Saturday afternoon lovemaking session, I asked Jill to tell me about one of her recent fantasies. I do this often, as we are both fans of dirty talk during sex, and because I’m always turned on by what she tells me in the heat of passion. As longtime readers of this blog are no doubt aware, we have a healthy and varied fantasy life, both alone and together. It is not uncommon for Jill to tell me that she fantasized – or is fantasizing right now – about just about anything. Her and another woman? Check. Her and another man? Check. Her with two men? Check. Me with another woman? Check. Me with two women? Uh-huh. Same-room with close friends? Absolutely. Sex in a pool, shower, hot tub, or other water-based locale? Of course. Sex while driving? Definitely. I think you get the picture.

So needless to say, I was surprised to hear Jill say that she hadn’t fantasized about anything recently. No, it turns out that my wife has become more receptive to visual stimulation. In other words, porn and lots of it. This is, of course, not to say that her enjoyment of porn is a recent development; it most certainly is not. However, the fact that she didn’t immediately have an erotic scenario in mind was somewhat alarming to me. I suppose I’ve been spoiled in the past by her willingness to share. But I could almost see it if she had a fantasy and just didn’t want to share it. No, this was different – she hadn’t been fantasizing about anything.

It’s worth noting that we were watching porn at the time. Though the title of the movie doesn’t immediately come to mind, it was a girl-girl scene featuring Nikita Denise and another adult actress whose face I knew but whose name escaped me. The ladies were sexy, there was plenty of oral, and I could see why it was on Jill’s rotation. Even though she’d already had an orgasm – more than one, as is her preference – I decided to re-focus my attention on her. I slipped out, much to her protest, and lay down beside her. We got into the spoon position, me behind her, and as we observed the on-screen action, I began to touch her.

“How does this make you feel?” I asked, gesturing at the television.

Jill apparently hadn’t noticed the gesture. “You feel good.”

“And how about the movie?” I continued, and moved my hand to her engorged clit.

“It’s hot,” she said, her words barely a whisper. I took her clit between my fingers and began to massage it sensuously. At the moment, Nikita knelt before the unknown blonde, fingering her and lavishing her pussy with some tongue action. As the blonde braced herself against some kind of gaudy green ottoman, I nuzzled the side of Jill’s neck.

“Which of those two would you rather be right now?” I asked between kisses.

“Either one,” she said, undoubtedly trying to concentrate on what I was doing to her. After some further prompting, she made a stand. “I’d like to be her,” she said, indicating Nikita, who by now was buried face-deep in the other actress. The blonde had turned over, enjoying her partner’s oral ministrations from behind. “I’d go down on her for sure.” This time “her” referred to the fairer-haired young lady on the receiving end. That turned me on, of course; Jill has often said that she would like to have another woman perform oral sex on her under the right circumstances, but it’s not every day that she so enthusiastically discusses being the performer.

On screen, the two women switched places. We continued to watch, and I continued to try and bring my wife to another orgasm. After a moment or two, I prompted her again: “So if you’re that one, who’s the other girl?” Dreamily, Jill spoke the name of her college roommate. Without seeing her face, I could tell that her eyes were closed, and that she was lost in the scenario she had created.

“Maybe we’ve gone out to lunch and we have some wine,” she began. “Then we go back to her place and we decide to get a little more comfortable.” My cock throbbed as I imagined the two of them at play. “Next thing you know she’s filling up that big bathtub of theirs, and we’re taking off each other’s clothes.” My stroking of Jill’s clit intensified as did the story. Before long, she fell silent, clearly enjoying the fantasy as it played out in her mind.

On the screen, Nikita enjoyed a very obvious climax, her ass wiggling back and forth as the blonde continued to devour her. Hearing her moans, Jill joined her in a brief but intense orgasm that left my fingers very damp. Then it was my turn.

After we were finished, we lay in bed and talked. I told Jill that I’m hardly the sort of person to discourage visual stimulation; far from it. But I cautioned her against letting her imagination stagnate. After all, the mind may just be the most important sexual organ we have.

-Jack

Jack’s Answers

1. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
a. Texting or taking phone calls during the date.
b. Spending the entire evening bashing men in general.
c. Treating it like anything but a first date (i.e. no talk of marriage, please).

2. Pick an animal that best displays your personality. 🙂
Some sort of primate, definitely. I’m guessing a chimpanzee, though there’s something to be said for the bonobo.

3. If your so stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?
In the case of my current significant other (i.e. my wife), I suppose I might stay forever, depending on other circumstances. (Do we still love each other? Would she consider an open relationship if she’s no longer willing to have sex with me? Is the tremendous emotional connection still there despite the lack of sex?) I value physical intimacy very highly, and the lack of it from the woman I married would be a tremendous blow to my ego, I’m sure.

4. Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?
I can go either way, but I think I tend to be a bit more dominant.

5. Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?
Yes, though it’s been awhile. Too long, in fact…

Jill’s Answers

1. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
a. Being too self-focused
b. Demonstrating bad hygiene or manners
c. Talking at length about his ex

2. Pick an animal that best displays your personality. 🙂
A doggy. If you need me to explain this you haven’t been reading this blog. 🙂

3. If your so stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?
I would probably stay forever if I loved him (as I most certainly do with Jack), though I would be very sad and probably tempted to stray. I need regular sex.

4. Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?
Probably passive, but I think I’m the one who initiated it the first time we had sex.

5. Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?
Of course!

I found the title of this product amusing.

Credit for the image – and my awareness of Organic Batter Blaster goes to i was really hungry, a food blog I happened upon in my internet travels.

-Jack

No, not our wedding anniversary, although we did celebrate one of those this summer. It’s actually the one-year anniversary of this blog! That’s right, one year ago we decided to share our dirtiest, stickiest fantasies as well as our exploits both in and out of the bedroom (but usually out of our clothes) with you! If you’re a new reader, why not go into the archives and check out some of our older stories and such? They’re pretty hot. Feel free to leave a comment or two. Your feedback turns us on.

With that out of the way, here’s the final part in our four-part series of things that turned us on over the summer!

1. Coming twelve times over the course of one amazing August night is a record for me. But it’s a record that I hope gets broken soon.

2. One hot afternoon I found myself lying on an inflatable pool chair, drifting across the water and soaking up the rays of the sun. As I listened to the silence, I found myself indulging in a fantasy about Jack, myself, and a male friend of ours. I was glad I was alone in the pool because I had to touch myself a little.

3. We watched a porn film called “Basic Elements.” One scene involved a couple having sex on an airplane while a female flight attendant watched and masturbated. This scene reminded me of a long flight Jack and I took together. We didn’t have sex in our seats, but we did just about everything else. I am really turned on by the idea of sex on a plane, in flight. In fact, I can’t wait to read The Mile High Club: Plane Sex Stories, an anthology edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, a favorite erotic writer of ours.

4. Speaking of Rachel Kramer Bussel, I re-read Hide and Seek: Erotic Stories over the summer. It was just as hot the second time. We are looking forward to the follow-up, Peep Show: Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionists, due out in November.

5. While having sex with Jack recently, we were watching an old homemade porn movie he’d shot some years ago, before we met. (Is that weird? I love watching him fucking an old girlfriend on TV while we fuck in real life, but I get the feeling that, in general, people would find this weird or inappropriate. Who cares, I guess – it’s hot to me!) As Jack worked toward his orgasm, I started urging him onward, whispering, “Come for me…come for me.” At the same time, his ex-girlfriend was doing the same thing on the television. It was almost as though we were competing for his orgasm.

And I’d just like to say again that doing the Rabbit Trick for a live audience was one of the most exciting things I’ve ever done. Having an audience can be so hot!

-Jill

Jack’s Answers

1. Have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with someone of the opposite sex without anything steamy happening?
Yes. As a young child – age ten and younger – I would frequently sleep over the homes of female friends. Hell, Jill and I sometimes sleep in the same bed without having sex. I guess that counts.

2. Have you ever streaked, flashed, or otherwise partially or totally exposed yourself in public before (or after) an informal, unofficial gathering of people?
I once found myself in a hot tub without a towel handy. When it came time to get out, I just got out. What could I do? It’s not like we weren’t all naked in the hot tub anyway. On second thought, this might not count; I got the impression the question was referring to me being naked while everyone else was clothed.

3. Have you had dates with multiple people in the same weekend (or consecutive nights or the same night) while not all of your dates were aware of your actions?
Yes. In my early twenties I would occasionally go out with one person on Friday night and a different person on Saturday night. Didn’t happen every week, by any means; I was never that kind of guy. But that handful of times, I felt like a pimp.

4. What is the most “romantic” you have ever gotten in a movie theater?
Strictly manual stimulation. I’ve given it a few times, but was the recipient more often. Granted, I don’t do this very often anymore, but in my more reckless days, I would look forward to a night at the movies, more for the possibility of a little semi-public hanky panky than for the movie itself. As a matter of fact, my first handjob occurred at a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

5. Have you ever had sex when you knew a non-participating adult was watching?
Oh yeah! In fact, earlier this summer Jill and I performed for a male friend of ours, after about two years of him beating around the bush about it.

Jill’s Answers

1. Have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with someone of the opposite sex without anything steamy happening?
Of course. Usually this happens (or used to happen) out of necessity. Sharing a hotel room, sharing a spare bed, etc. I can’t remember the last time I found myself in bed with a man who wasn’t Jack.

2. Have you ever streaked, flashed, or otherwise partially or totally exposed yourself in public before (or after) an informal, unofficial gathering of people?
I’m not quite as much of an exhibitionist as Jack. Although in private I enjoy being naked, and although I fantasize about attending sex clubs, having sex in public, and other scenarios of this type, in reality I have self-esteem issues which inhibit me from prancing around naked. Don’t get me wrong – I wish I didn’t have these inhibitions. I would love nothing more. I can’t think of any specific incident where I was naked at a gathering where everyone else was clothed, but I have gone skinny-dipping with a mixed group (guys and girls). That’s the only thing that comes to mind right now.

3. Have you had dates with multiple people in the same weekend (or consecutive nights or the same night) while not all of your dates were aware of your actions?
I’m pretty sure I never did this. In the past I only dated one guy at a time.

4. What is the most “romantic” you have ever gotten in a movie theater?
Not very! Of the men I have been involved with, Jack is probably the only one who would’ve been inclined to go beyond making out at a movie theater, and he’s probably too afraid of arrest to try it now. I have, however, done plenty of fun things while in the car at a drive-in movie!

5. Have you ever had sex when you knew a non-participating adult was watching?
I definitely have. In addition to the performance Jack mentioned, I once fooled around with a guy on the beach while people walked by, and I once had sex with a guy I was dating while his roommate watched us. The roommate was kind of participating. You can read about that time here. I have also been the non-participating adult watching.

1. I love to flirt. During a visit to a bar with friends, I caught the eye of a pretty young lady and held her gaze a few seconds longer than I usually do. Nothing else happened, but it was a turn-on to remember my single days.

2. Jill told me about a dream in which she was alone with a female friend of ours, and the opportunity arose for some sexual exploration. As it was happening, all Jill could think about was how she wished she could somehow videotape the encounter so I could watch later. I guess her cell phone wasn’t within reach. Still, very exciting to know that, even in her dreams, she wanted to share the experience with me – or at least provide me with jerkoff material after the fact.

3. Porn star Raylene’s return to the adult industry with “Raylene’s Dirty Work”, her first movie since 2001 or 2002. She’s not the hottest in the business – far from it – but I’ve always kinda liked her.

4. Being invited by a married female acquaintance to participate in an illicit affair was, almost perversely, a huge turn on and a major ego boost; she is someone I’ve been attracted to for more than twenty years. I did, of course, politely decline, out of respect for her marriage as much as for my own. Ironically, Jill told me after the fact that, were she not married, she would make a great third for a threesome. However, this particular person doesn’t seem the sort to engage in anything beyond one-on-one sex.

5. The many new followers we’ve picked up in recent months, as well as the feedback we’ve received, is very flattering, and reading your comments, as well as your blogs, makes excellent foreplay.

More to come!

-Jack

Jack’s Answers

1. If you could have monumental sex where would it be (i.e. on Lincoln’s lap, the stairwell of the Statute of Liberty)?
At the top of the Washington Monument or the Statue of Liberty. I enjoy having sex in high places, while looking down at the world below.

2. Have you ever “played” with your food (i.e. a blowjob under booth #9 at Denny’s, finger banging by candlelight at Spago)?
No, and I can’t say that this has ever actually occurred to me, beyond a never-gonna-happen type of fantasy. I’m fond of my freedom, and this seems like a surefire way to lose it.

3. Have you ever had sex in motion (i.e. the lavatory on Virgin Air, the back seat of your Chevy Suburban)?
Plenty of times! Airplanes, cruise ships, and a particular limousine ride shortly after we got married immediately come to mind. Hell, I’ve had sex atop the washing maching, which was, technically speaking, moving at the time.

4. Have you ever had sex worthy of a confessional (i.e. a stall in the church bathroom, on the desk in your boss’s office)?
I’m just pervy enough to consider having sex in an empty church sometime, although Jill probably fears Hell sufficiently to never want to try this. (Killjoy!) I have, however, had sex in my boss’ office. Two bosses’ offices, actually.

5. Have you ever had sex under the stars (i.e. in the alley behind Scores Gentleman’s Club, the roof of your South Beach condo)?
Definitely, often, and in a variety of locations.

Jill’s Answers

1. If you could have monumental sex where would it be (i.e. on Lincoln’s lap, the stairwell of the Statute of Liberty)?
If I could have monumental sex without getting caught or arrested, I would do it just about anywhere.

2. Have you ever “played” with your food (i.e. a blowjob under booth #9 at Denny’s, finger banging by candlelight at Spago)?
We sometimes make food a part of our sex play, but this has never happened in a restaurant.

3. Have you ever had sex in motion (i.e. the lavatory on Virgin Air, the back seat of your Chevy Suburban)?
We have had sex on an airplane before, and Jack likes it when I masturbate while he’s driving. (Does that count?) I’ve also given guys blowjobs while they’re driving (including Jack), but I don’t think I’ve had actual penetrative sex in a moving car.

4. Have you ever had sex worthy of a confessional (i.e. a stall in the church bathroom, on the desk in your boss’s office)?
No. I’m not much for sex in church, or the workplace.

5. Have you ever had sex under the stars (i.e. in the alley behind Scores Gentleman’s Club, the roof of your South Beach condo)?
Yes, we do this a lot. Also one of the first times I ever had oral sex was on a public beach, literally under the stars.

For further reading on this subject, see our entry “101 Places to Have Sex Before You Die“.

1. Violet Blue’s podcast that Jack mentioned in his previous entry. This installment (episode 69, appropriately) features her reading an erotic story called “Central Registry.” If you happen to listen to it, you might understand why I couldn’t wait to get off.

2. I’ve been riding Jack side-saddle a lot lately. If you don’t know what this means, instead of straddling his waist I sit on top of him, facing his right or left. It’s a great position, and for some reason he penetrates me really deep this way.

3. Doing the “Rabbit Trick” in front of a live audience. For the uninitiated, the “Rabbit Trick” refers to riding a rabbit vibrator while giving oral sex. It’s one of my biggest turn ons, and I love coming while sucking Jack’s cock.

4. Going to a work function with Jack, and letting him know about the lack of panties under my skirt right before we walked in.

5. Four words: Rocky Road ice cream.

More to come!

Jill

1. In June, we attended a party at the home of a friend of ours. She’s been taking exotic dancing classes for a couple years, although there’s almost no way you would look at her and immediately think “exotic dancer.” After the party, we got a demonstration of her skills.

2. As detailed in Jill’s previous entry, we went skinny dipping one night while on a family camping trip. We like swimming naked, though it’s been quite some time since we went camping, much less skinny dipping in a semi-public setting. It was just as exhilarating as ever.

3. Jill masturbating in the passenger seat of the car while listening to a very sexy podcast, as I tried desperately to concentrate on the road ahead of us.

4. Earlier this summer I wrote a love scene that’s part of a mainstream novel I’m working on. Though not particularly graphic, I’ve been getting to know the characters and planning the story for so long that, when they finally got together and the clothes came off, it was really hot.

5. Due to the summer heat, Jill and I spent several nights sleeping on an air mattress in the backyard. Feeling my wife’s naked body beside my own in the cool night air is consistently arousing.

More to come!

-Jack