Mii Monday*

I try to work out once a day, usually first thing in the morning.  My routine includes forty-five minutes of cardio on the treadmill or the stationary bike, followed by weights and situps.  If I can’t make it to the gym, sometimes I’ll go for a run.  But if I can’t work out at all in the morning, I use our Nintendo Wii after work.

-Jill

*A “Mii” is an avatar that represents the user in games like Wii Fit.

Sinful Sunday: One Chair, Three Orgasms

My rocking chair is one of the most relaxing things I’ve ever sat in.  When I’m feeling aroused, I enjoy sitting in it and masturbating.  The slow back-and-forth rocking, accompanied by the sensations of my fingers or a toy, lead to incredible orgasms.  Since May is Masturbation Month, I thought I would share some of the fun I’ve had in this chair.
My purple rabbit

My pink G-spot vibrator

My blue waterproof vibrator

See who else is being sinful at Molly’s Daily Kiss!

Sinful Sunday

Slut Pride!

Of the two of us, I’m probably not the best person to analyze the word “slut”.  You know, seeing as I have a penis and all.  
While perusing EdenFantasys* I came across an article that suggests that, rather than embracing the word “slut” – a currently-popular movement to “take back” a piece of so-called hate speech and remove its power – women should abandon the term altogether.
I took some issue with this suggestion.  As the writer points out, there is an egregious distinction between the way society views promiscuous men versus how it views promiscuous women.  When I was single, I found it unfortunate that a woman who casually slept with me might be judged harshly for doing so.  My feelings weren’t entirely selfless; while I most certainly find society’s repressive double-standard a difficult thing to accept and my heart goes out to the unfairly-labeled fairer sex, my unwillingness to embrace such a double-standard stems partially from the fact that shaming women for their sexuality meant that they might conceivably abstain from having sex with me.  And that was simply unacceptable.
Efforts to take back the word “slut” are much like any other movement to reclaim a traditionally hateful or oppressive term.  According to Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt in their 1997 book The Ethical Slut, the word refers to “a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.”  Under this definition, a slut has sexual agency and confidence, and disregards social and religious norms regarding sexuality.
I agree completely with the writer’s suggestion that women are partially responsible for the slut-shaming that continues almost unchecked in society today.  While the neat and tidy definition of sex-negative misogyny primarily involves men, the truth is that for every Rush Limbaugh, there is an Ann Coulter.  It is often the mothers of young women who, in their efforts to define gender roles for their children, raise them in a fashion that may preclude them from enjoying sex, or even viewing it as a healthy part of life.  Additionally, while I don’t consider sex the sacred act that I’m guessing most people do, it is potentially a life-changing one.  By steering them away from sex, especially at a young age, well-meaning mothers are trying to prevent their daughters from making mistakes that can alter their entire universe in ways they can’t possibly comprehend.
It’s not entirely their fault; for generations we have been taught that behavior that is acceptable for men should not be enjoyed by women.  This isn’t surprising in the least.  Double-standards are a way of life.  Given the stigma attached to sex in American society, as well as a culture that discounts women’s issues to the extend that a female rape victim is in many cases more likely to be blamed than her male rapist – a culture that denies women their right not only to reproductive health but also to equal pay – and you have an environment that is not exactly warm and welcoming to the notion that women should be treated with dignity, much less lauded for the breadth of their sexual experience.
Granted, I don’t think that most sexually-active women really want to be lauded for having a lot of sex.  I’m guessing that most of them would settle for not being considered sluts by judgmental people who either don’t understand or prefer not to acknowledge how important sex is to the human experience.  Just because a woman knows what she wants and is unafraid to take it is no reason to call her a slut.  In a perfect world, a woman who is unafraid of her body and her sexuality, who has sex with who she wants when she wants, wouldn’t be called a slut.  She’d be called a leader.  She’d be worthy of respect and even admiration, because I believe that a person who is unafraid of sex is more likely to practice it responsibly.
The writer goes on to state that, whether deliberately or not, the mothers of boys perpetuate the “slut” label in order to keep their sons from marrying women who are damaged goods.  The fallacy of a sexually-experienced woman being somehow damaged notwithstanding, I take issue with the writer’s comparison of sexually-promiscuous women to gold-diggers.  One is in control of her own sexuality and takes what she wants.  The other is in control of her significant other’s bank account and takes what she wants.  I fail to see any real similarity.
It’s not that I necessarily feel that the word “slut” shouldn’t be unofficially abolished.  (For the record, I don’t lean toward that conclusion.)  But I don’t feel that the writer provided a sufficient case for doing so.  At the end of the article, the writer mentions “the branding of women”, and suggests that women need to change in order to allow the feminist movement to make necessary strides toward true equality.  There was a time in my life when I might have agreed with this, when I might have preached patience, or a less-militant stance, to those facing oppression.  But now I cannot in good conscience suggest that those under the thumb of mainstream society simply tolerate intolerance until their oppressors have a change of heart.
.  
I’m all for taking power away from judgmental, sex-negative people.  The thought of stymying the sort of individuals who would use the word “slut” to oppress by showing that their words don’t hurt you is an appealing one.  This is my main argument for co-opting the word “slut” rather than doing away with it altogether.  Just because women and sex-positives refuse to own the word doesn’t mean that those who view a woman’s sexual agency in a negative fashion are going to lay down their verbal weapons.  In fact, refraining from using the word would only give this group additional ammunition.
Once again, I am probably not the best person to analyze the word “slut” and its effects.  To the best of my knowledge I’ve never been called a slut, certainly not to my face.  But I can’t see the purpose of eradicating the word completely, at least not for the reasons suggested in this article.  Dialing back the rhetoric is no better than tacitly allowing the oppression to continue.  Rather than forcing women to rebrand, I say we force society to rebrand.

*We no longer support EdenFantasys, and therefore the link to the article has been removed. You can search for it on your own, but we wouldn’t recommend it.

e[lust] #36



Photo courtesy of A Couple of Wankers

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #37? Start with the newly updated rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!


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The Cheshire Cat - Alice felt whiskers tickle her skin and was wracked with sobs of fear. �Oh, little girl, don�t cry. You can stand much more than you think you can.�


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Marionette - "I'm writing out a fantasy of mine, but I'm not sure what to do with some of it. I'm hoping you can help me figure it out." "Yes Ma'am."


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Journeys - These insecurities are at the root of my fears. I don�t know how to combat them, how to turn those tapes off in my head.


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I�ve found a new secret to my G-spot - This g-spot thing might be hard to find since it can�t be mapped, but believe me it is real and with time, exploration, a good clitoral orgasm and a willing set of fingers and/or dildos you CAN find it.





All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the �read more�� tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!


Kink & Fetish


A Pixie Calls Me Daddy
Afterwards, kissing
Another Try at Topping
Bent Over and Exposed
Female Orgasm: Where Do You Get Off?
Hurts
Letting the Sadist Out to Play
more con-slut...
pain & sadism: how they intertwine
Tied Up and Tossed in a Corner
Waiting My Turn
Warm Up


Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor


Fifty Shades Of Me


Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships


Buying a Toy: What You Need to Know
Bring on the wanks
I want your sex
My Mother, The Whore
Poly Fallacies #4
Q&A # 3: Childhood BDSM Fantasies
Sticks and Stones...
Small World of Swinging
The Gauge
Us Lately
White and Nerdy


Erotic Writing


Around and 'round
DownGolden girl
Hard Love
Hot sunny sex on a rainy day
It Ain't Sex
I Want to be Watched
I made him watch me masturbate
Jealous
Lazy Day
Lost in Submission
Making out
On Display
Pussy Doctor
Perfect Cover
Pussy Eating- The Fun Way
Rack and Ruin part II
Shower Scene
The Third Date
Tickle Monster
Waiting for It
Watching Skylarks

Formspring Friday: Weird to Watch

i would like to watch my husband have sex with his ex is that weird?

Disclaimer:  In my opinion, words like “weird”, and for that matter “normal” and “abnormal”, don’t really fit into the context of sex and sexual desire.  Applying “normal” standards to what turns somebody on is just another way for the mainstream to control human sexuality, stigmatize free sexual expression, and force people into a box, so to speak.  On to your question:

I don’t think it’s weird at all, but then “weird” is a relative term.  There are undoubtedly plenty of people out there who would disagree with me, but I see nothing wrong with your desire to watch your husband have sex with his ex.  You don’t specify why you want to watch, but I know that Jill found the prospect of watching me with one of my exes exciting mainly because she wanted to see how my performance differed between when I had sex with my ex and when I have sex with her.  Additionally, Jill is a voyeur, and likes the idea of watching something private, of watching two people (or more, possibly) let their guard down and become vulnerable.  There’s something powerfully erotic about that scenario.

Is it normal?  Well, that depends on who you ask.  Sex-negatives and die-hard monogamists who disapprove of extracurricular sex would likely find the scenario you describe deviant, and the thought of letting one’s significant other stray outside the boundaries of his or her commitment morally wrong.  Others would say that it’s normal to have such a desire and perhaps even normal to act on that desire, but might caution you against letting your husband have sex with his ex as there may still be feelings below the surface.  Still others would say that your interest in watching your husband have sex with his ex is not only perfectly normal but completely hot, and if all three of you are equally into it, and if there’s absolutely no possibility of still-smoldering emotions on their end or jealousy on yours, why not give it a shot?

Bear in mind that it’s possible you won’t know how you’ll really feel about watching your husband have sex with his ex until you’re actually in the situation, and by then it may be too late.  It might be the greatest turn-on you can imagine right now, when it’s still an abstract concept.  But once he’s inside her, doing things that were previously reserved for you, your feelings could very well change.  Even if you’re certain now that you won’t be jealous, what if you’re mistaken?  Even if you aren’t prone to jealousy, what if watching your husband and his ex simply turns you off, and alienates you from him?  I’m not in any way implying that you don’t know your own feelings, but we’ve heard stories of people who were so focused on their partner’s pleasure that they neglected their own.

I note that while you say you would like to watch your husband have sex with his ex, your question could be interpreted as relating to a fantasy as opposed to something you are interested in pursuing and making a reality.  If that’s the case, no one’s opinion should matter except your own, and possibly your husband’s.  No fantasy that remains completely in one’s mind can be harmful in and of itself.

However, if you are hoping to turn this fantasy into a reality, the first step is discussing it with your husband.  Is he into it?  I know that there are several exes of mine that Jill would probably enjoy watching me fuck, but I’m not getting in touch with them for anything.  Is the ex someone with whom your husband is still in touch, and with whom the topic could be discussed comfortably?  In other words, has she become a born-again Christian?  Is she married to someone who is under the delusion that she was a virgin when they met?  Is she incarcerated or institutionalized?  If your answers to these questions are all “no”, that’s potentially very promising.  Additionally, if you don’t think it’ll be anything more than a fuck – again, no chance of those pesky emotions rearing their heads – I don’t see a problem.

I’m no authority.  If there are any points I’m missing, I’d appreciate a heads-up from anyone more knowledgeable than I.

-Jack
If you want to ask us anything, drop us a line on Formspring, or use the handy Formspring widget on the right-hand side of our blog.  We like sexy questions!  To see who else participated this week, visit Twitter and search for #FormspringFriday!

Flash Fiction Friday: Stairway to Heaven

(Image source: “On the Stairs” by Samantha Wolov)


Before they could make it up the stairs they fell to the ground, peeling off each other’s clothes in a fit of frenzied passion.  They kissed hungrily, desperately, their hands pawing at each other’s flesh like playful kittens.  She found herself frantically trying to lower his double knit slacks even as he reached beneath her skirt to pull her panties aside.
The shag carpet ensconced her as he opened her.  His first thrust took him deeper than she thought possible.  The hair on his chest was rough and scratchy against her breasts, his lips pleasant and soft on her neck.  As she clasped her legs around his back, she was glad that she’d drawn his house key from the bowl. (120/122)
Behind the Scenes
I wrote this week’s Flash Fiction Friday challenge in a matter of minutes; other than my usual momentary “What three words can I cut to make it fit?” conundrum, it was one of the easiest ones in recent memory.  In addition to the photo prompt, participants were asked to write a story that was between 68 and 122 words, and incorporate the phrase “…rough and scratchy…”
The first thing I think of when I see the prompt photo is “crazy seventies hair”.  That’s not to say that the photo was taken in the 1970s, or even that it is meant to represent the 1970s in any way.  But for some reason the unkempt mop on top of the gentleman’s head makes me think of that glorious decade that saw my birth.  There really isn’t anything that specifically identifies my story as being set in the 1970s, though chest hair, shag carpeting, and the last-minute mention of the hookup occurring at a key party seems to cement it firmly in that era.  There wasn’t sufficient room to mention any other period detail.
It bears noting that I originally planned to use the required phrase to describe the shag carpeting and not the gentleman’s chest hair.  But it’s been years since I’ve had contact with shag and I don’t remember what it feels like.  Are the fibers all that scratchy?
Deleted Scenes
None.  I had no delusion that I’d be able to write more than a relatively small passage, and budgeted my words accordingly.
Soundtrack
It’s got to be “The Hustle”, by Van McCoy.  It was in my head the whole time I was writing.
If you’d like to take part in the fun, or see who else participated this week, check out Insatiabear.

The Naughty Hangout: A Trip to the Park

Of the three themes at The Naughty Hangout this week, the one that most resonated with us was the primary theme, “Pastimes”.  So many things came to mind, and obviously the first one was sex.  However, we decided to tackle the theme with a different approach, one that you might not expect from us.

We talk about swinging a lot on our blog, but we’ve never meant it literally.

If you were expecting filth, we’re sorry for the tame pictures this week.  You’re welcome to check out the last photo shoot we did at a park.

Go see who else is being naughty this week!

-Jill

On a Break

The summer I turned twenty-four, my girlfriend and I took a break.  We’d been together for a year or so, and we were pretty serious.  We weren’t exactly talking about being together forever, but we cared about each other – the word “love” had been spoken – and we enjoyed our relationship.  So why were we on a break?  As with the other breaks we took, this one was because we both wanted to have sex with other people, but the thought of having an open relationship simply didn’t occur to us.  At any rate, even if it had I question whether we would have been able to handle it ethically and respectfully.  We certainly wouldn’t have been able to deal with the judgments of others if the nature of our relationship was found out.

My boss, Christine, was thirty-four.  She was very attractive despite her advanced age – which, I must point out, was younger than I am right now.  She had long brown hair, pretty eyes, full lips, and smooth, unblemished skin.  She usually wore thin white blouses and long, billowy skirts with boots.  Sometimes she wore tight jeans.  I’m pretty sure that she was the subject of every single work wank I carried out at my desk while employed there.  It didn’t hurt that, despite the fact that she was married with two kids, Christine was a die-hard party girl.  At least once a week, she’d take the office staff out for drinks.

While out at a bar one night,  Christine kissed me.  On the lips.  It was sudden and quick, just slightly more randy than a familial peck, and nowhere near the full-blown makeout session that I would have preferred.  For the last couple hours she’d been drinking some concoction that included Galliano and vanilla liqueur; I was under no delusion that the kiss had been motivated by passion for sexy twenty-four-year-old Jack, or that that Christine had somehow forgotten about her husband watching the kids at home.  I knew it was the alcohol.

Christine apologized.  “I shouldn’t have done that.”  I could tell she meant it sincerely; while she didn’t blush, she couldn’t look me in the eyes.  Despite her tendency to cut loose and party after work, Christine was the ultimate professional.  Other than putting on her headphones and rocking out at her desk, she was very big on protocol during business hours.  I knew that the guilt she was feeling came from the perceived lack of professionalism in what she’d just done, moreso than it did in the violation of her marital vows, or in the thought that she’d crossed a boundary with regard to my own relationship, which she knew was on a break anyway.

“No harm done,” I said.  It was true.  She and I were the only ones there.  The other person who was drinking with us had gone to the restroom.  It hadn’t even occurred to me that Christine had deliberately waited until we were alone, which I suppose would have made the alcohol less responsible than I previously thought.  After a few seconds’ silence, I added, “I liked it.  I’ve wanted to kiss you for awhile.”  I omitted the part about her mouth not wanting to be my first choice of places to kiss.

It was a two-block walk back to the office.  We cut through the parking lot, and our drinking companion got into her car and left.  I was about to do the same when Christine asked if I could help her with something in the storage room.  Oh fuck, I thought.  Here it is.  I’d read enough Penthouse Forum to know where this was going.  In fact, I vaguely recalled a porn film I’d seen in which a young office boy was seduced by an older woman in a position of authority.  In fact, if I recall correctly they were doing something in a storage room when the sex began.

As she unlocked the building, I anticipated ripping the blouse off of her fine form, letting it fall forgotten to the floor.  As we walked down the hall to our office door, I anticipated peeling off her nearly-skintight jeans, revealing long, slender legs that would spring open instantly.  Once inside the office I anticipated the taste of her pussy on my tongue, and wondered if she trimmed, shaved, waxed, or did none of those.  I imagined that I could already smell her arousal.  I remembered the condom in my wallet; it had only been there a week or so.  I wondered if Christine carried condoms.

She led me to the storage room.  “Can you get a new toner cartridge down?” she asked.  Interesting lead-in; I was surprised that she didn’t begin by removing my jeans and giving me head.  The night was young; obviously that would come later.  I brought out the ladder and set it up in front of a large cabinet that almost reached the ceiling.  I climbed up four rungs and took a new toner cartridge from atop the cabinet, then brought it down and handed it to her.

As I put the ladder back in its place, I asked her if she needed me to install it for her.

“No”, she said, heading into the copy room.  “I can manage.  Thanks for getting it down.”

She wasn’t carrying herself with the air of a woman who wanted to get laid by a guy ten years her junior.  I hated mixed signals.  I still do.  I followed Christine into the copy room, where I found her installing the toner.  I wasn’t exactly sure where to go from here.

“You sure you’ve got that?”  Dumbest question I could have asked.

“I got it,” she said, closing the front panel on the copier.  “All done.”  I stood there for a moment, awaiting her next move.

“So are you sticking around, or – “

“Yeah, I’m going to finish up printing these reports before I go.  I’ll see you tomorrow.  Sorry again about earlier.”  Christine took playing hard to get to an entirely new level.

Christine and I eventually did have sex, though not for a few years.  I’d left the job, she and her husband were estranged, and it just sort of happened.  If it didn’t, I might have titled this post “The Second-Hottest Girl I Never Fucked.

Retro HNT: I still love my rabbit…

“I still love my rabbit…”, posted June 16, 2010

In 2010, we posted fifty-two consecutive weeks of pictures at OHNT.  We’re posting them on our blog, one per week.  They can be found here, along with background information and all the comments they received.

TMI Tuesday: May 15, 2012 – Fine Dining

You are having dinner at the best restaurant you can imagine. Do not concern yourself with over-eating, or other restrictions. We want to know what you like best. What will you have for:

Jack’s Answers
1. Before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail?
We’re pretty typical.  During the standard large family dinner outing, we will make for the bar or lounge and have a round while we wait for our table.  Other times, we are seated immediately and enjoy a drink while chatting and perusing the menu.  More often than not, I’ll order an Irish whiskey, neat.  Jameson and Paddy’s are preferred; I’m not crazy about Bushmill’s.  

Nothing against the whiskey itself; I’m just not crazy about anything that includes the word “Bush”.

2. Appetizer?
I’ve never met an hors d’oeuvre I didn’t like; however, there are some I like much more than others.  As the entree I generally order is beef, I find that seafood makes an excellent complement.  Therefore my first choice will be coconut shrimp with an orange marmalade-based dipping sauce.  A good alternative might be fried calamari or crab cakes.  I should also point out that when I read “appetizer”, the first thing that came to mind was the Aussie cheese fries served at the Outback Steakhouse chain.  Consistently named the worst restaurant dish in America by various consumer advocacy and health publications, a single order of these fries delivers almost 3,000 calories.  Given the “Do not concern yourself with over-eating, or other restrictions” bit, I was almost tempted to choose these.
3. Soup?
Again, I am operating under the condition that this mythical meal will somehow not result in the further clogging of my arteries, and that I will manage to offset the damage the food does to my body with a few hours of strenuous physical activity, likely involving sex with Jill and any other sexy female bloggers who’d like to help prolong my life and optimize my physical health by climbing aboard and going for a ride.  Thus, I will choose New England clam chowder, as I’m a fan of cream-based soups, and of the numerous varieties of clam chowder New England is the only one I enjoy.  As a backup choice I’d order corn chowder, as it’s got all the warm, creamy goodness of clam chowder, though sadly none of the clams.
4. Salad?
Ah yes, salad.  Here’s where we get healthy.  Here’s where we undo all the damage I’ve done to my body with the two previous courses.  Since anything served in a salad bowl is bound to be good for you, I’ll take a garden salad, please.  Easy on the lettuce, though you can pile on whatever seasonal vegetables you like.  Then cover the whole thing in extra-chunky blue cheese dressing.
5. Wine or other beverage with dinner?
My first choice would be a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon.  I’m not a wine snob by any means, though I do enjoy drinking it, and whenever convenient or conducive to a good meal, I try to pair wine with food for maximum effect.  Should Cabernet Sauvignon be unavailable, I’d probably go with Merlot, made from a versatile grape that is wholly undeserving of its bad reputation.

This guy’s got a lot to answer for.
6. Entree?
I’ll have the filet mignon topped with blue cheese crust.  I’d like that medium to medium-rare.  I’ll pair it with a Maine lobster tail.  If beef is unavailable – say, for instance, that we’ve crossed into an alternate reality in which the raising of cattle for food is against the law – I’ll have the calamari steak, grilled or breaded and lightly fried; or perhaps a salmon fillet.  
7. Side Dishes?
I’ll go with a loaded baked potato, the perfect accompaniment to a good steak if there ever was one.  Additionally I’ll go with creamed spinach as, in my old age, I’ve come to appreciate this simple and delicious dish, and associate it with high-end steakhouses.  If we’re in that crazy alternate universe where steakhouses have been replaced by fish markets and I’ve just ordered the calamari steak, then switch my baked potato for garlic mashed potatoes, but keep the creamed spinach.
8. Dessert?
My favorite dessert is ice cream.  I can eat it any day of the week – or better still, every day of the week – whether it’s summertime or the dead of winter.  I like ice cream the way Cookie Monster likes cookies.  I’ll eat it plain or with toppings, in a bowl or on a cone.  In fact, I wish I had some ice cream right now.  However, for all of my insistence that ice cream is where it’s at, I don’t see myself sitting through a several-course meal at “the best restaurant [I] can imagine” and then ordering ice cream.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, especially if the restaurant features ice cream on the menu.  It’s just that, under the circumstances, I’m likely to order something denser, along the lines of cheesecake or carrot cake.  If I’m looking for something lighter, I might go with some manner of cheese and fruit platter.
9. After dinner drink?
I enjoy a glass of barrel-aged port or brandy after a sumptuous meal.  If I’m having brandy I would prefer Armagnac or Cognac, as those are the brandies with which I’m most familiar.  However, as I write this I find myself craving a nice orange Muscat, a variety of dessert wine popular in California.  I imagine that it would nicely complement the aforementioned cheesecake.

I said “orange Muscat”.
10. Which 3 people would you invite to dinner: (must be famous, well-known, living or dead, not fictional)
– For sex appeal
These questions are difficult.  I tend not to care about famous people sufficiently to go out of my way to have contact with them.  I can’t relate to celebrities, and the truth is, when I think “sex appeal”, I’m either thinking of someone I know personally, or one of the many sexy online friends with whom we’ve come into contact through blogging and tweeting.  The truth is, I can’t think of very many famous people who turn me on enough to name.  Certainly not any contemporary famous people.  But if I had to choose someone sexy to invite to dinner, make eyes at across the table, and hopefully fuck when all is said and done, I’m thinking it’s going to be Cindy Crawford circa 1992.  Hey, if I can bring someone back from the dead for the purposes of this dinner, I should be able to return a living person to the age of my choice.
– For great conversation
Jesus?  Okay, kidding.  There’s no way I could narrow my answer down to just one person.  Upton Sinclair.  W.E.B. Du Bois.  John F. Kennedy.  Bill Clinton.  Judy Blume.  Barack Obama.  John Waters.  Jane Addams.  William Jennings Bryan.  Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  Gary Gygax.  Rachel Kramer Bussel.  Frank Sinatra.  Dean Martin.  Sammy Davis, Jr.  Margaret Sanger.  Dr. Ruth Westheimer.  Dr. Joycelyn Elders.  Kurt Schmoke.  Ernest Hemingway.  Jon Stewart.  Mohandas Gandhi.  Martin Luther King, Jr.  Forrest J. Ackerman.  Andrew Carnegie.  Richard Dawkins.  Jim Morrison.  Dan Savage.  Stan Lee.  Roger Corman.  Bill Hicks.  Asia Carrera.  Jack Kerouac.  Christopher Hitchens.  Raymond Carver.  I could probably compose a blog post listing nothing but the various individuals I admire and with whom I’d enjoy conversing over a meal.
– Because you detest them
Why would I invite to dinner someone I detest?  What sort of purpose would this serve?  Am I supposed to refrain from washing my hands between going to the bathroom and prepping their meal?  Is it so I can feed them before I take them out to my game preserve and give them a head start before donning a pith helmet and hunting them like a common animal?  I’m not certain why this sub-question involves a person I detest as opposed to, say, a person I admire.  While I suppose that a person that I admire could have been a suitable answer to the previous sub-question, just because I admire someone doesn’t necessarily make them great at conversation.  You know what?  I’m going to go with Hitler.  Why?  Because why the fuck not?  Is there anyone more universally despised throughout the course of human history?  I would opine that there is not.  At the moment, Hitler has the perhaps unique distinction of being so widely hated by such an overwhelming margin of humanity that the people who don’t consider him a mass murdering piece of shit are considered crackpots by the rest of society.  A major plus about inviting Hitler to dinner is that rather than actually serving him a meal I could kill him, thereby disastrously affecting the course of human history.   (I imagine that I’d have to go back in time to, say, the 1920s in order to make this happen; I couldn’t somehow bring Hitler into contemporary times, because then it’s too late.)
Bonus: Your lover brings you breakfast in bed. What’s on the tray?
A bagel, lightly toasted, with cream cheese; and bacon that’s not too crispy.  Additionally, I’ll have a glass of orange juice.  Some pulp is okay, but I don’t want the kind with lots of pulp.

And when I’m done I’ll eat her pussy.

Jill’s Answers

1. Before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail?
I like a glass of wine before a meal.  Wine tends to make me warm and tingly, and that’s always a good way to start an evening.  I would order a nice Syrah, because lately that’s what gets me to my warm and tingly place.

So does this guy.

2. Appetizer?
I would order either a grilled artichoke with mayo or garlic aioli, or coconut shrimp.  It really depends on the time of year.  During the summer months I am more likely to go for the artichoke as it is a lighter dish, whereas if I am eating at Elway’s in Denver it’s going to be the coconut shrimp every time.  [Editor’s note:  Elway’s menu currently lists this item as $16 for three shrimp.  I hope you’re saving your pennies, my dear.]
3. Soup?
Soup has really never been my thing.  It always makes me too hot, and usually fills me up so much that I can’t enjoy my entree.  in the past, if I was eating soup at a restaurant, it was usually a taste of Jack’s and then back to my salad.  But recently I discovered tomato bisque.  It’s my new favorite soup.  Tomato bisque is creamy and delicious, and if made correctly it tastes like Heaven must taste.  In fact, I enjoy it so much that lately I’ve begun to order it as an entree.
4. Salad?
If the restaurant can prepare the blue cheese pecan chopped salad that I sometimes order when we go to Outback Steakhouse, I’d get that.  It’s such a wonderful combination of flavors and textures and is probably my favorite salad at the moment.  If the restaurant cannot prepare that salad, I think I’ll just have a Caesar.  (But they should be able to prepare it, shouldn’t they?  It’s supposed to be the best restaurant I can imagine.)
5. Wine or other beverage with dinner?
Keep the Syrah coming, please.  I’ve got a nice buzz going, and I would really like to maintain it as long as possible.

Not that kind of buzz.

6. Entree?
I’ll have the filet mignon, served medium rare.  That means it has to be seared on the outside, juicy and delicious on the inside.  It needs to melt in my mouth like butter.
7. Side Dishes?
I always get a baked potato when I order a steak.  It’s got to be loaded, too: butter, sour cream, bacon, chives, and shredded, almost melted cheese.  If I can have two sides, I’ll get creamed spinach.  Lately, we find ourselves ordering creamed spinach at a lot of premium steakhouses.  When prepared correctly, this dish is a perfect complement to a good steak.

Not to be confused with a perfect compliment to a good steak.

8. Dessert?
I’ll have the crème brûlée, but not just any crème brûlée.  The custard has to be mixed with rich, melty chocolate on the bottom, and there has to be crispy caramelized bananas on top.  While out to lunch for Mother’s Day, the restaurant we were at treated us to just such a crème brûlée for dessert.  Now I don’t think I can go back to regular crème brûlée.
9. After dinner drink?
The only thing that could possibly make me give up my Syrah glass is an Irish coffee.  After a delicious meal, I love sitting at the table with my siblings, cousins, parents, aunts, and uncles (and of course Jack), enjoying the tastes of the coffee and the whiskey together, as well as the conversation and the sense of closeness to my family.
10. Which 3 people would you invite to dinner: (must be famous, well-known, living or dead, not fictional)
– For sex appeal
This one’s easy:  Harrison Ford.  Doesn’t matter whether he’s playing Han Solo at age thirty-five or Indiana Jones at age sixty-six, he’ll always be one of my longest-running celebrity crushes.  

– For great conversation
It’s got to be William Shakespeare.  I imagine he’s got many stories to tell over a dinner of barbecued burgers and homemade fries or, if he’s feeling particularly adventurous, carnitas tacos.
– Because you detest them
Ann Coulter.  Few people are more loathsome in my eyes.

Bonus: Your lover brings you breakfast in bed. What’s on the tray?
Coffee, orange juice, and a Ramos fizz to drink, plus sourdough toast, bacon, and a multi-layered parfait made of raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, vanilla yogurt, and granola.  And if he wants to include his sausage I’ll eat that too.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Thank you to Virtual Sin for this week’s TMI Tuesday.