The following questions were adapted for TMI Tuesday blog. I first saw it here, and it was borrowed from this blog.

Jack’s Answers

1. Which religion or faith do you belong to, if any?
None, really.  My own atheism notwithstanding, I don’t have time for a belief system created by man for his own purposes.  Today organized religion seems like a money-making venture above all else.  I’m more than capable of being a good person without the promise of reward or the threat of punishment; therefore I don’t identify with any religion or faith.  However, as a child I was raised Catholic.

2. What is your opinion of Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays?
I have no personal preference.  To me it all means the same thing.  The so-called war on Christmas is obviously a manufactured controversy designed to raise the ire of ethnocentric, xenophobic conservatives who wrongly fear that their way of life is in danger.  I take issue with anyone who gets upset over “Happy Holidays” for a number of reasons:  First of all, there are people in this country who don’t celebrate Christmas.  (As I am unaware of this bullshit pseudo-controversy existing anywhere outside of the United States, my answer to this question will focus primarily on my home country.)  And while I don’t imagine they get half as upset when someone wishes them a Merry Christmas as some of the people who celebrate Christmas get when someone wishes them Happy Holidays, I believe an umbrella greeting is a nice way to acknowledge the cultural and religious differences in the world.  Second, when someone wishes you Happy Holidays as opposed to Merry Christmas, it’s their way of not making an assumption about you.  Just because a person lives in the United States doesn’t mean they vote, believe, love, or live as you do.  That was the point of this country when it was founded, and I’m not sure where we lost our way.  If you get upset over any polite greeting, you’re a malcontent and a bit of an asshole.  Anyway, the bottom line for me is that any human being who bristles over being wished Happy Holidays, or happy anything for that matter, is a miserable individual who is probably destined to have a lousy holiday regardless.

3. How do you feel about holiday music on the radio?
Radio?  What is this, the sixties?

4. When do you start decorating? Do you?
We usually decorate on Thanksgiving weekend.  Our living space is fairly small.  We don’t have an exterior to decorate, really, so we put up the same smallish plastic tree we’ve had for the last several years, hang ample ornaments from its fake boughs, and set up some decorations on our mantel.  That’s sufficient.

5. White lights or multi-colored?
Our fake tree has pre-strung multi-colored lights.  Good thing, too, because that’s what I prefer.  And I’ve never been a big fan of blinking lights, so I’m glad ours are static.  Actually blinking lights aren’t bad.  Just don’t give me epilepsy.

6. Gift cards, cash, or actually shopped for presents?
Depends on the recipient.  We rarely give cash, unless requested.  We tend to ask what the person wants or needs for Christmas; in some cases it’s a gift card, while in others it’s an actual gift, i.e. a physical item or non-physical service or experience, for lack of a better term.  While I generally do much of my shopping online, I like going to stores to shop for presents, and in fact being a stay-at-home parent affords me much opportunity to shop during the day, when the stores are less crowded.  However, I find that I do better when the pressure is on, i.e. the week right before Christmas.

7. Christmas cards and/or family update letters?
Nada.  We don’t do update letters, and we never have.  I guess I don’t believe the recipients of such a letter give enough of a shit to justify me writing one.  Anyway, we have Facebook accounts if family and close friends want to know what we’ve been up to.  I do wish I had time for Christmas cards, given how many we tend to receive during the holidays.  But since our daughter was born we haven’t sent any out.  I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

8. Fill in the blank: Snow is ______ .
White.  So is semen.

9. Have you been a good little boy or girl this year?
You’d be better off asking Jill for her input on that one.  For what it’s worth, I have been a loving husband, an attentive father, and a decent person – whatever “decent” means – who inflicted intentional harm on no one, did his share without being a burden on anyone, and tried to instill happiness in all he met.  That sounds pretty good to me, though I have also tried to be as naughty as possible without pissing off Santa Claus.

10. Favorite: old/traditional holiday movie? Contemporary (after 1975) holiday movie?
Old/traditional is probably It’s a Wonderful Life.  I don’t watch it very often – there was a time when it was in the public domain and would air near-constantly during the holidays – but I have fond memories of getting in from Christmas Eve mass and dinner and catching part of it on one of the local channels before bed.  I’ve never been a big fan of Miracle on Thirty-Fourth Street, and much like you can be either an Elvis man or a Beatles man, I always felt like you either liked It’s a Wonderful Life or Miracle on Thirty-Fourth Street, but you couldn’t like both equally.  On a somewhat related note, one older holiday movie I’ve never seen but would like to is 1941’s Jingle Belles, if only because it was filmed at the Timberline Lodge, the same hotel that provided exteriors for the Overlook Hotel in The Shining.  Read more about it here.  As for a more contemporary selection, I’ll probably go with A Christmas Story.  While I love such recent holiday films as A Nightmare Before Christmas, Elf, and The Star Wars Holiday Special (don’t hate), those don’t carry with them as many memories and associations from my childhood as does A Christmas Story, which I remember watching every year.  These days I try to avoid TBS’s A Christmas Story marathon, if only to prevent the magic from being diluted.

Bonuses – Christmas sex:

What have you done under the mistletoe?
Not much, really.  I mean, I’ve kissed under the mistletoe, but generally speaking I don’t need mistletoe to get busy.  If you’re trying to ask, for example, if we’ve got mistletoe hanging from our bedroom ceiling above our bed, the answer is no.

Have you caught mommy/daddy kissing Santa Claus? What happened next?
No, I never caught either of my parents kissing Santa Claus, and I’m pretty sure it never happened.  My mom always knew that my dad would have beaten both of their asses, and my dad was more into twinks than bears.  Being a bear himself, I mean.

Have you had sex in Santa suit?
No.  Not even in a Santa hat.  Nor boots, nor a big belt.  I tend to be naked when I have sex.

Have you had sex with Santa?
Oh boy.  You really had to go there, didn’t you?  Look, let’s just not go into the fact that every Christmas Eve when I was a kid I would go to bed early so Santa would leave me presents, and then when I’d wake up in the morning my ass would hurt.  Let’s just sidestep the entire issue, please.

Just how merry have you made Santa’s helpers?
Well, if Santa’s helpers are the ones constantly monitoring to see whether we’ve been bad or good, and if they like to watch, I have undoubtedly made them very merry.  My sexual history has been quite the storied one, and it actually amuses me to think of a bunch of elves or whatever crowded around a computer monitor in the North Pole equivalent of the NSA, stroking their candy canes as they watch me furiously fucking my wife (or whomever).