Would you rather…

Jack’s Answers

1. Have eyes that always smile or a voice that makes people calm?
Hmm…Probably a voice that makes people calm. I imagine that it would be invaluable in times of crisis.

2. Have an affair and your partner catches you or your partner have an affair and you catch him/her?
Catch her, I guess. Obviously I’d rather Jill not have an affair, and if she did I don’t think I’d want to catch her. But I can’t imagine the embarrassment and guilt I’d feel if I was the one caught.

3. Have better sex or more money?
More money, without a doubt. I can’t imagine better sex than what I’m having now.

4. Be able to read everyone’s mind all the time or always know the future?
Neither. But if I had to choose one, perhaps the mind-reading thing would come in handy. It’s the “all the time” aspect that I don’t like, incidentally.

5. Your partner have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else?
Have sex with someone else, definitely.

Jill’s Answers

1. Have eyes that always smile or a voice that makes people calm?
I’m going to say eyes that always smile, since Jack tells me that my voice does make him calm.

2. Have an affair and your partner catches you or your partner have an affair and you catch him/her?
I’d rather catch Jack than be caught.

3. Have better sex or more money?
Better sex?

4. Be able to read everyone’s mind all the time or always know the future?
Always know the future.

5. Your partner have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else?
Have sex. No love though.

Would you rather…..

Jack’s Answers

1. A relaxing vacation or an adventurous trip?
Depends on the destination for each, and my mood. Were we staying at an all-expenses-paid resort, I don’t see myself breaking a sweat to have adventures per se; a quiet and relaxing time would be ideal. On the other hand, I don’t see myself traveling halfway around the world to have a relaxing vacation. Under that set of circumstances I think I’d want to leave the hotel and have an adventure or two.

2. Get a perfect nights sleep or have amazing sex?
Amazing sex.

3. Be intimate with the lights on or off?
Lights on, always.

4. Your S/O be a terrible kisser who could always make you orgasm or an amazing kisser who could never make you orgasm?
That’s a tough one. I guess I would say an amazing kisser who could never make me orgasm. I love kissing, and I don’t mind making myself come when necessary.

5. Date someone much younger or much older than you?
Much younger. I’ve dated quite a few women who were significantly older than me, but not so many who were significantly younger. If I had to choose one or the other, it would definitely be a younger woman.

Jill’s Answers

1. A relaxing vacation or an adventurous trip?
An adventurous trip. We just returned from a relaxing vacation, and it was Heaven. We did manage to have a couple adventures, but it was wonderful to have literally nothing to do. For our next trip I’d love to do something more out of the ordinary.

2. Get a perfect nights sleep or have amazing sex?
Amazing sex!

3. Be intimate with the lights on or off?
With the lights on. Here’s a true story. The first or second time Jack and I had sex, I had left the lights off. I think I was self-conscious about my body. He actually asked if we could leave them on, as he wanted to experience me with all of his senses.

4. Your S/O be a terrible kisser who could always make you orgasm or an amazing kisser who could never make you orgasm?
An amazing kisser who could never make me orgasm.

5. Date someone much younger or much older than you?
It depends how much younger or older. I’m actually right at the age where, say, fifteen or twenty years in either direction would be pretty hot. I’ll just say twenty years younger, as a man at this age would be right around his sexual peak.

Jack’s List:

1. Occasional fondly-remembered webcam fun with our friends Vincent Vega and Mia Wallace early in the year.

2. With her pregnancy, Jill’s breasts have increased in size from plump-but-modest to mammoth.

3. Jessica Biel’s nude scenes in Powder Blue. What can I say? I’ve been waiting for her to disrobe on camera for years.

4. Porn and Pizza Rolls may not have the same ring as Porn and Pizza, but as of now it’s the closest we’ve come to resuming our 2006 party series.

5. Performing for a male friend of ours was really exciting, moreso than I had expected. Obviously being naked and erect in the same room as another man but not another woman isn’t really my preferred exhibitionism scenario, but both Jill and I found the situation hot. (Story is forthcoming. Hopefully.)

Jill’s List:

1. While watching porn with Jack and a male friend at one of our post-Christmas Porn and Pizza Roll parties (see Jack’s #4, above), I experienced a sudden and overwhelming urge to have an orgasm. I discretely excused myself to the bathroom and had one of the most intense self-induced orgasms I can remember. Our male friend’s wife was at work, or I might have thrown caution to the wind right there on their sofa.

2. Visiting an adult video or toy store is always fun, but visiting several of them with open-minded close friends is even more fun!

3. For Christmas, Jack bought me Peep Show: Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionists, an erotic anthology edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel. I haven’t read it yet, but I’m excited about it. Hopefully it’s as hot as Caught Looking and Hide and Seek.

4. The Hummingbird Jack bought me at Babeland. In the three days since I got it, it’s provided us with hours of fun, and me with many great orgasms.

5. On her podcast Open Source Sex, Violet Blue read a story called Shift Change by an author named Emerald. It’s from Best Women’s Erotica 2010, and if the story is representative of the book as a whole, it must be the best volume yet. We listened to Shift Change on Christmas Eve, on the same stretch of highway where we listened to Central Registry several months before. Very sexy and exciting!

Happy New Year!

I’d love to say that we have integrity. I’d love to say that this blog is not for sale. I’d love to say that we are incapable of being bought, of caving to special interests, of endorsing an inferior product in exchange for pay. I’d love to say these things, but in these uncertain economic times I cannot, with one hundred percent certainty, say any of them. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m pretty sure that we do in fact have integrity; unfortunately the notion that we aren’t for sale is one about which I’m much more uncertain.

Though I am not sure that we would never endorse an inferior product in exchange for pay, we will now endorse a superior one for absolutely no remuneration whatsoever. That superior product is the Eroscillator, and we believe that it’s the only sex toy you will ever need. Yes, we realize that it’s way too late in the season to be giving out Christmas recommendations. And we realize that we certainly do use other sex toys in our collection, though none as frequently as the Eroscillator. And we realize that at a suggested retail price of $127.95 for the most basic package (the Eroscillator and three attachments) all the way up to $240.90 for the Eroscillator and all seven available attachments, this isn’t a toy for a masturbator with a budget. However, in the three years since we’ve owned an Eroscillator, it has provided us with countless hours of fun, and more orgasms than any single toy should be capable of. Though probably not the priciest sex toy available for purchase, we can’t imagine getting any more use, and indeed enjoyment, out of anything we own.

The Eroscillator is billed as “the only vibrator ever recommended by Dr. Ruth Westheimer.” It promises “powerful but gentle stimulation” leading to “earth-shattering explosions”, and in our experience it delivers. Powerful enough to be used for solo masturbation, but equally useful when having sex with a partner, over the last three years the Eroscillator may very well have revolutionized our already-spectacular sex life.

Buying an Eroscillator? May we also suggest a Fascinator Throe by Liberator? They come in handy, especially in conjunction with the aforementioned sex toy, when used by a woman prone to ejaculation.

Jill and I are expecting our first child. She is well into her second trimester and all appears to be going as expected.

One thing that I was not expecting, however, is my wife’s increased level of libido. Certainly our sex life was not lacking before we conceived our child. Now, however, it’s gone off the charts, not only in terms of frequency but also with regard to the variety of activities we’ve been enjoying and the locations in which we’ve been enjoying them. I know that, not very long ago, I bemoaned the fact that Jill’s use of fantasy seemed to have taken a backseat to her use of porn, but I was probably complaining prematurely. Yes, we’d briefly fallen into the habit of watching porn for the purpose of speeding things up and getting us where we needed to go, but it was short-lived. We’ve been having more sex than before, for longer periods of time. I don’t know if the pregnancy has something to do with this, but I’m not complaining.

In researching this phenomenon I found that, during the first trimester, it’s not uncommon for sex to take a backseat as the new parents-to-be adjust to the reality of the pregnancy, and the mother-to-be deals with physical concerns such as fatigue and morning sickness. We experienced none of this. And though we were having fairly regular sex during the first trimester, it’s nothing compared to the barrage of amazing lovemaking we’ve been experiencing since the second trimester began a couple months ago. And as stated above, it’s not just the frequency, but the quality. There seems to be even more passion, more excitement. Best of all, Jill seems to be initiating it just as much – if not moreso – than I do.

We spent Thanksgiving weekend at Jill’s parents’ house. On Wednesday night, I retired to bed and did a little reading, while Jill stayed downstairs for awhile, talking to her siblings. I’d been reading for about forty-five minutes when Jill came into our room, stripped, and gave me a blowjob. Then she rode me until we both came. Not satisfied with her orgasm, she managed three more before we switched positions and I came again. Though I was ecstatic over my wife’s rocket-propelled sex drive, I was also exhausted, and fell asleep.

I woke at six o’clock Thanksgiving morning to the low buzz of Jill’s Eroscillator. Intrigued, I moved closer and began to service her orally. Her orgasm overtook her and she had to stifle herself with a pillow to keep from breaking the early morning silence. When she’d returned to earth, she got on her hands and knees and exhorted me to enter her. It didn’t take much persuasion, and we had sex for the next forty-five minutes, very quietly. When I came, I buried my face in her shoulder to keep from moaning, and we collapsed onto the mattress. Jill lay on her stomach for a moment, then with an amused tone said, “Baby’s awake.” Our child can sleep soundly through an hour of lovemaking, but wakes – and kicks – whenever my wife lies prone.

We behaved similarly throughout the weekend. It’s easy to excuse ourselves to the guest room for “a nap”, since pregnancy causes frequent fatigue in some women. Jill does feel more tired than she did before getting pregnant, but based on the number of naps we take when we stay at her parents’ house, they must think we’re narcoleptics. All told, we had sex seven times in four and a half days which, although not a record, isn’t something we’ve done lately. We had sex in at least eight positions (not counting sixty-nine) and had more orgasms than either of us could count, all hopefully without alerting anyone else in the house to what was going on.

I’m excited about becoming a father. But until the baby is born, it looks like I’ll have plenty of other things to be excited about.

-Jack

Has the Vampire craze gone too far? Perhaps.

Now available from adult novelty manufacturer Fleshlight, purveyors of anatomically correct “masturbation sleeves” comes the Succu Dry, pictured below.

According to the manufacturer’s website:

Introducing Succu Dry Sex in a Can from Fleshlight, the world’s first vampire inspired sex toy for men. Take a walk on the dark side and get familiar with this pale brew. But be careful! Though this may feel like love at first bite, make sure you have wood poised to penetrate before you get completely drained! Enjoy to excess to ensure encounters with Succu Dry are A-Positive experience.

Succu Dry’s unique Vampire mouth opening isn’t for the faint of heart. This exclusive Undead pale sleeve color is made from the same patented Real Feel Super Skin material that’s made Fleshlight the #1 selling male sex toy in the world. The amazingly detailed vampire mouth and fangs beg you to drive your wooden stake deep inside.

To ensure an experience all its own, Fleshlight developed a brand new inner texture for the Succu Dry called “The Fang.” This intensely stimulating texture has dozens of tiny fangs that will gently bite at you until you’re drained of every last drop. Quench your lust and prepare for the ultimate vampire fantasy, but beware, this can will suck you dry!

Though the appeal of oral sex from a vampire eludes me personally – sharp fangs plus my penis equals more anxiety than ecstasy – the recent ascension of the vampire from time-tested movie monster to flat-out pop cultural icon means that the once-marginalized segment of the populace that fetishizes vampires is now much greater, and in the open. Fansites and blogs dedicated to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” slash fiction have proliferated since the inception of both series. Pre-teens swoon over the characters of Stephanie Meyer’s “Twilight” novels and films as though they were the Beatles. And the HBO original series True Blood has given viewers unfettered access to Academy Award-winner Anna Paquin’s breasts.

But the question remains: Is the Succu Dry worth the $44.95 for which it retails at Fleshlight’s Website? Surprisingly, a glance at said website reveals the Succu Dry to be significantly less expensive (as of this writing) than any of the other “Fleshlight Originals” they sell, at $64.95 each. In the off chance that anyone here has actually tried this thing, we’d love to hear about your experience. Specifically, did the fact that the Succu Dry has fangs make it any better than a standard Fleshlight?

-Jack

Last December, I wrote an entry in which I took a not-very-close look at a number of holiday-themed porn films. Two months earlier, I’d considered posting a similar entry for Halloween on horror-themed porn. Yes, there is horror themed porn. I’ve never been one to write lengthy, in-depth reviews, especially of porn films, so I thought I’d give a very quick look at a handful of titles Jill and I watched recently.

First up is Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre (2005).

This title, directed by adult legend Jonathan Morgan, manages to rip off – sorry, parody – a number of notable horror films, including Friday the 13th, Psycho, Jaws, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Scream, and I Know What You Did Last Summer, as well as, inexplicably, American Beauty.

A number of shots appear to be borrowed from various slasher movies, notably the Friday the 13th series,

while others are straight out of Halloween:

Among the other films referenced are The Ring,

and The Blair Witch Project.

The killer, when unmasked, appears to be a cross between Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Leatherface.

Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre is an entertaining film, to be sure. The violence, where present, is not graphic and cannot possibly be taken seriously. It’s got a decent sense of humor, especially for a porn film, and it’s clear that the director is familiar with the staples of the horror genre: nubile college students, ineffective police officers, creepy locals issuing sinister warnings, and masked psychopaths carrying, yes, power tools. And of course there is plenty of sex.

As a fan of both horror and porn, this is a fun combination of both.

Next up is Friday the 13th: A Nude Beginning (1987).

While this movie borrows its title and subtitle from the fifth film in Paramount’s Friday the 13th franchise, it borrows little else. The protagonist of this film may be named Jason, and he may briefly be seen wearing a hockey goalie’s mask, but there is no real resemblance between the two properties. Unlike his horror film counterpart, this Jason has hair, speaks, and is not an axe-wielding maniac. In this film, Jason looks a lot like 1980s adult film star Paul Thomas, seen below.

As near as I can tell, the plot involves Jason in Hell, which utilizes the standard community theater “scary” set design. In Hell, he and a fellow Hellion, played by Amber Lynn, have a competition to see who can corrupt the most pious souls on Earth. The plot itself is a little threadbare, and it’s quite light on horror elements. The whole production seems to exist in order to lampoon televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, as well as parody the Iran-Contra scandal. Nina Hartley appears as an anti-porn crusader. She is seen below, swallowing Jason’s machete:

Despite its title, Friday the 13th: A Nude Beginning may not be the perfect porn film to watch on Halloween night. But at least there’s not much story getting in the way. It may be standard ’80s adult fare, but is that really a bad thing?

The third film we watched is Night of the Giving Head (2008), a film with one of the funniest (if grammatically incorrect) titles we’ve ever heard.

The story is pretty ridiculous, even for porn: Solar radiation has led to the infection of semen, causing women who ingest it orally to become, that’s right, zombies. It’s a flimsy excuse to portray zombies giving blowjobs. And by zombies, I mean adult actresses in dime-store makeup chanting, “More cock! More cum!” See below:

Clearly, special effects legend Tom Savini can rest easy. Hey, call me old fashioned, but I expect my zombies to be a bit more heavily made-up than this. The zombies I thought were cool growing up can be seen below.

Seriously, would it have killed them to apply a little light blue or gray greasepaint? I suppose it’s a moot point, as watching zombies give blowjobs to the living is one of the few things that doesn’t turn me on. Make no mistake, the sex scenes are decent, if you can get past the distracting make-up effects and the laughable nature of it all.

Our final pseudo-scary porn film is This Ain’t the Munsters XXX (2008).

A spoof of beloved 1960s sitcom The Munsters, this title features all the characters fans know and love, most in various states of undress. The plot concerns Herman planning to surprise his wife Lily by having a monstrously large cock transplanted onto his body for their wedding anniversary.

There are a number of sex scenes in This Ain’t the Munsters XXX, most of which would be much hotter if not for heavy amounts of monster make-up and prosthetics, colored light filters and other not-so-special effects. If you’ve got a Butch Patrick fetish, this title may be just what you’re looking for, as Eddie Munster (now a rock star) has a decent scene with a couple groupies.

In addition, there is a fairly vanilla sex scene featuring niece Marilyn and her boyfriend,

and a graveyard sex scene involving Grandpa. There aren’t too many scenes wherein the characters interact with one another, however – I was seriously expecting Marilyn and Lily to give each other a tongue lashing. In fact, the only scene involving more than one character from the original TV series is the final one, in which Herman lets Lily try out his newly-attached cock.

All told, This Ain’t the Munsters XXX is a film that almost must be seen to be believed, and I’m hard-pressed to determine which audience is apt to find it more bizarre a spectacle: Those who grew up watching The Munsters, or those who’ve never heard of it. While I suppose a horror aficionado might find something to get off to, for me it’s in the same pile as Night of the Giving Head. I can only imagine what the respective estates of Fred Gwynne and Yvonne DeCarlo make of it.

-Jack

During a recent Saturday afternoon lovemaking session, I asked Jill to tell me about one of her recent fantasies. I do this often, as we are both fans of dirty talk during sex, and because I’m always turned on by what she tells me in the heat of passion. As longtime readers of this blog are no doubt aware, we have a healthy and varied fantasy life, both alone and together. It is not uncommon for Jill to tell me that she fantasized – or is fantasizing right now – about just about anything. Her and another woman? Check. Her and another man? Check. Her with two men? Check. Me with another woman? Check. Me with two women? Uh-huh. Same-room with close friends? Absolutely. Sex in a pool, shower, hot tub, or other water-based locale? Of course. Sex while driving? Definitely. I think you get the picture.

So needless to say, I was surprised to hear Jill say that she hadn’t fantasized about anything recently. No, it turns out that my wife has become more receptive to visual stimulation. In other words, porn and lots of it. This is, of course, not to say that her enjoyment of porn is a recent development; it most certainly is not. However, the fact that she didn’t immediately have an erotic scenario in mind was somewhat alarming to me. I suppose I’ve been spoiled in the past by her willingness to share. But I could almost see it if she had a fantasy and just didn’t want to share it. No, this was different – she hadn’t been fantasizing about anything.

It’s worth noting that we were watching porn at the time. Though the title of the movie doesn’t immediately come to mind, it was a girl-girl scene featuring Nikita Denise and another adult actress whose face I knew but whose name escaped me. The ladies were sexy, there was plenty of oral, and I could see why it was on Jill’s rotation. Even though she’d already had an orgasm – more than one, as is her preference – I decided to re-focus my attention on her. I slipped out, much to her protest, and lay down beside her. We got into the spoon position, me behind her, and as we observed the on-screen action, I began to touch her.

“How does this make you feel?” I asked, gesturing at the television.

Jill apparently hadn’t noticed the gesture. “You feel good.”

“And how about the movie?” I continued, and moved my hand to her engorged clit.

“It’s hot,” she said, her words barely a whisper. I took her clit between my fingers and began to massage it sensuously. At the moment, Nikita knelt before the unknown blonde, fingering her and lavishing her pussy with some tongue action. As the blonde braced herself against some kind of gaudy green ottoman, I nuzzled the side of Jill’s neck.

“Which of those two would you rather be right now?” I asked between kisses.

“Either one,” she said, undoubtedly trying to concentrate on what I was doing to her. After some further prompting, she made a stand. “I’d like to be her,” she said, indicating Nikita, who by now was buried face-deep in the other actress. The blonde had turned over, enjoying her partner’s oral ministrations from behind. “I’d go down on her for sure.” This time “her” referred to the fairer-haired young lady on the receiving end. That turned me on, of course; Jill has often said that she would like to have another woman perform oral sex on her under the right circumstances, but it’s not every day that she so enthusiastically discusses being the performer.

On screen, the two women switched places. We continued to watch, and I continued to try and bring my wife to another orgasm. After a moment or two, I prompted her again: “So if you’re that one, who’s the other girl?” Dreamily, Jill spoke the name of her college roommate. Without seeing her face, I could tell that her eyes were closed, and that she was lost in the scenario she had created.

“Maybe we’ve gone out to lunch and we have some wine,” she began. “Then we go back to her place and we decide to get a little more comfortable.” My cock throbbed as I imagined the two of them at play. “Next thing you know she’s filling up that big bathtub of theirs, and we’re taking off each other’s clothes.” My stroking of Jill’s clit intensified as did the story. Before long, she fell silent, clearly enjoying the fantasy as it played out in her mind.

On the screen, Nikita enjoyed a very obvious climax, her ass wiggling back and forth as the blonde continued to devour her. Hearing her moans, Jill joined her in a brief but intense orgasm that left my fingers very damp. Then it was my turn.

After we were finished, we lay in bed and talked. I told Jill that I’m hardly the sort of person to discourage visual stimulation; far from it. But I cautioned her against letting her imagination stagnate. After all, the mind may just be the most important sexual organ we have.

-Jack

Jack’s Answers

1. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
a. Texting or taking phone calls during the date.
b. Spending the entire evening bashing men in general.
c. Treating it like anything but a first date (i.e. no talk of marriage, please).

2. Pick an animal that best displays your personality. 🙂
Some sort of primate, definitely. I’m guessing a chimpanzee, though there’s something to be said for the bonobo.

3. If your so stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?
In the case of my current significant other (i.e. my wife), I suppose I might stay forever, depending on other circumstances. (Do we still love each other? Would she consider an open relationship if she’s no longer willing to have sex with me? Is the tremendous emotional connection still there despite the lack of sex?) I value physical intimacy very highly, and the lack of it from the woman I married would be a tremendous blow to my ego, I’m sure.

4. Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?
I can go either way, but I think I tend to be a bit more dominant.

5. Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?
Yes, though it’s been awhile. Too long, in fact…

Jill’s Answers

1. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
a. Being too self-focused
b. Demonstrating bad hygiene or manners
c. Talking at length about his ex

2. Pick an animal that best displays your personality. 🙂
A doggy. If you need me to explain this you haven’t been reading this blog. 🙂

3. If your so stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?
I would probably stay forever if I loved him (as I most certainly do with Jack), though I would be very sad and probably tempted to stray. I need regular sex.

4. Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?
Probably passive, but I think I’m the one who initiated it the first time we had sex.

5. Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?
Of course!

I found the title of this product amusing.

Credit for the image – and my awareness of Organic Batter Blaster goes to i was really hungry, a food blog I happened upon in my internet travels.

-Jack