TMI Tuesday

TMI Tuesday: March 3, 2015

Jack4 Comments
Posted in Funny TMI TMI Tuesday

This week’s TMI Tuesday questions were adapted from kinkylesbians.tumblr.com.

Downright Sexy!

tmi-mar-3-couple-bubble-bath

 

Jack’s Answers

1. Have you ever had sex in three or more positions in one session? Name the positions.
Three positions in one session is pretty much standard, unless we’re having a quickie while our daughter is distracted for a few minutes. Generally speaking, though, if there’s no imminent threat of interruption we’re likely to begin with doggy style, then transition into either a variation of doggy style where Jill lies flat on her stomach, or a variation of missionary where Jill lies on her side, and from there we might finish up with missionary or return to doggy style. Cowgirl is a regular position of ours as well and will probably be utilized at some point during the festivities as well. We don’t do all of these positions every single time we have sex, but nine times out of ten if we’ve got more than a few minutes we will spend some time with at least three of them, or perhaps one or two that I didn’t mention. While we probably use one or two of the big three – missionary, cowgirl, doggystyle – every time we have sex, we enjoy trotting out other positions.

Shortstop, for example.
Shortstop, for example.

2. Have you ever had sex continuously for more than an hour? Was it all intercourse or other methods of sexual pleasure?
Yes I have. These days, the average length of time for sex between Jill and I is about forty minutes, but back in our carefree days before we had a child, or at least a child who was ambulatory and vocal, capable of processing things like strange noises coming from Mommy and Daddy’s room, we could easily go for several hours. Back then, it wasn’t uncommon for us to spend an entire day, or if not certainly all night, having sex. It wasn’t all intercourse; beyond my inability under most circumstances to refrain from orgasm more than an hour, I don’t know too many women who actually want to be fucked nonstop for that long. I’m not even sure if I know any. When we have sex for an hour or more, at least half of that is usually foreplay.

3. Have you ever planned and devoted an entire day to sex and sexual activity (with breaks for eating, etc)?
See above, or yes I have. In fact, the first time Jill and I had sex, we began at around midnight and finished up at seven or eight PM. We slept for a couple hours, and I’m pretty sure we showered at one point. But if memory serves, we didn’t take a break to eat. Well, we didn’t take a break to eat food, anyway. And while this was our first marathon sex session, it certainly wouldn’t be the last. It isn’t even the longest.

4. Have you ever been so loud having sex that housemates/neighbors commented or complained?
In spring 2012, Jill and I spent the night away from our daughter for the first time. Jill had a week off of work and a couple comped nights at a resort, so we dropped our daughter off at my parents’ house and had some time to ourselves. Most of that time involved sex, though we did take regular breaks for meals, and we did sleep. On the last morning of our stay, we were engaging in some very vocal, very energetic fucking when the occupants of the next room began to pound insistently upon the wall. That’s when we realized just how noisy we were being. In our defense, when we checked in a couple nights before, the desk clerk told us that the rest of the wing was unoccupied.

Though we did keep running into these two little girls.
Though we did keep running into these two little girls.

5. Have you ever had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone?
Yes. With no false modesty, I’m a fantastic lover. I tend to be very generous in bed, and derive much pleasure out of giving pleasure. Compliments and praise are common, and while I’m sure that once or twice in my more than twenty years of partnered sex I probably received insincere praise from a woman who I was never going to see again, in most cases I believe the compliments were genuine, especially when there was trust or at least some connection between the woman and I. One woman I dated in my mid-twenties said that I ruined her sexually for all other men. And while she never gave me any reason to doubt her words, she’s the one who broke up with me.

6. Have you ever gotten really turned on by saying or hearing dirty talk?
Constantly. It’s one of my favorite sexual activities. The only reason I don’t gag my wife when we’re engaging in occasional BDSM play is because her spontaneous dirty talk ups the hotness factor to eleven.

Bonus: What word or words said during sex totally turn you off or distract you from the task at hand?
Logorrhea. Crowdsourcing. Lumbago. The. Yeezus. Shih tzu. Hashtag. Mulligatawny. Gazorpazorp. Republican.

Jill’s Answers

1. Have you ever had sex in three or more positions in one session? Name the positions.
Yes. Usually Jack and I have sex in three positions in a single session, though even when we’re pressed for time we try to accommodate two.

2. Have you ever had sex continuously for more than an hour? Was it all intercourse or other methods of sexual pleasure?
Oh yeah! An hour should be the bare minimum, I think.

dmv-ca
Also true of DMV wait times.

3. Have you ever planned and devoted an entire day to sex and sexual activity (with breaks for eating, etc)?
I have, with Jack and also before we met. I once blogged about a long weekend I spent in Vegas with a soon-to-be ex-boyfriend that saw us spend almost an entire trip in bed. We fucked in more than a dozen positions in every part of the room including up against the window, which was unbelievably exciting. We only stopped for brief naps, meals (some of which were eaten in our room), and some gambling. We didn’t even stop for showers, because we fucked every time we took one.

4. Have you ever been so loud having sex that housemates/neighbors commented or complained?
Funny you should ask. A couple summers ago my entire family went on vacation to a lakeside resort. We all stayed in beautiful three-story houses overlooking a beautiful sandy beach. The house Jack and I were staying in was also temporary home to my older brother and his wife, one of my sisters and her boyfriend, and another of my sisters, plus three children including my own. We had sex every night, and although we tried to keep fairly quiet, one night we failed in a big way. No one knocked on the door or anything, but the next morning when we came downstairs it quickly became clear that the five other adults (who were spread out on different floors) had been awakened. This is all the more impressive (Jack’s words) considering that the children slept through it.

I think so, anyway.
I think so, anyway.

5. Have you ever had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone?
An old boyfriend of mine used to love my blowjobs, and why shouldn’t he? They’re great. Anyway, he liked my oral technique so much that he wouldn’t just praise it to me, he’d praise it to his friends too.

6. Have you ever gotten really turned on by saying or hearing dirty talk?
I am very turned on by the act of talking dirty, but not as much as I am by hearing it. Or reading it, for that matter. I love receiving a sexy text or instant message as much as I love having an erotic suggestion whispered in my ear.

Bonus: What word or words said during sex totally turn you off or distract you from the task at hand?
Nothing specific comes to mind. However, Jack has been known to occasionally spout some ridiculous pop culture reference or other inane nonsexual talk as things are heating up. He does it to make me laugh, and it usually works. When that happens, I can admit to being momentarily distracted from the task at hand.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

 

TMI Tuesday: May 22, 2012 – The Inverted Poll

jackandjillcpl12 Comments
Posted in C.H.U.D. Golden Rule humor manholes meme opinions pie Pope Benedict Reality TV sex-positive TMI TMI Tuesday vagina cookies weekly feature Written by Both

This TMI Tuesday is brought to you by Virtual Sin.

Oh. You didn’t mean inverted pole dancing? 
In many polls, you are asked if you strongly agree, somewhat agree, neither agree nor disagree, somewhat disagree or strongly disagree with some proposition. Today, we go the other way. We supply the answer, you supply the question.
Jack’s Answers
1. Tell us something with which you strongly agree, or greatly like.
I strongly agree that sex is a normal, natural part of human development, and therefore something that should be embraced.  Sex is healthy and positive, and there is no reason for the inexplicable taboo that surrounds it.  The right-wing nutbags who are so vehemently against sex while at the same time so pro-Jesus should understand that sex is our God-given right, and that the God they profess to love so much invented the clitoris – and slapped one onto every female He supposedly created – for the sole purpose of sexual pleasure.  Seriously – there isn’t a damn thing procreative about the clitoris.  What do you have to say about that, Rick Santorum?

“Clitoris?  I’m sorry, but I’m unfamiliar with that term.”

2. Tell us something with which you somewhat agree, or somewhat like.
I somewhat like pie.  I’m not crazy about it; I doubt it would rank among my top five favorite desserts.  But if it’s offered at a dinner party or some manner of social gathering and there doesn’t happen to be any ice cream, I’ll graciously take a slice of pie, and I’ll probably enjoy it, even if it’s not the wisest use of the calories.

My all-time favorite dessert?  Vagina cookies.

3. Tell us something to which you are indifferent, or have no opinion.
Manholes.  I understand that they serve a purpose in society, but if they affect my life at all, they do so in ways I can’t even perceive.

I know C.H.U.D.s use manholes to come to the surface, but that doesn’t necessarily make me dislike them.

4. Tell us something with which you somewhat dislike or disagree with.
Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but I was a huge fan of Dennis Miller going back to his tenure on Saturday Night Live.  I was one of only four viewers who tuned in to his syndicated late-night talk show that aired in 1992.  Two years later I followed him to HBO where I was smitten with his sensible libertarian views (he stated in the wake of U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders’ 1995 dismissal that “a surgeon general who speaks her mind about sex education, teen pregnancy, and preventative health care doesn’t deserve to be surgeon general, she deserves to be the fucking President of the United States”), as well as the same smart-assed demeanor I’d come to enjoy on Saturday Night Live, here aided and abetted by copious usage of the word “motherfucker”.  His vulgarity earned him the ire of conservative groups, some of which accused him of being a liberal – something that Dennis certainly was not.  Despite the fact that he frequently sided with Gingrich against Clinton, many of Dennis’ opinions and indeed the intelligence of his humor made me even more of a die-hard fan than I already was.  In fact, I was such a fan that I found myself defending Dennis to friends and relatives during his ill-advised stint co-hosting Monday Night Football in 2000 and 2001.  And then the Towers fell, and Dennis took a hard right turn, shifting from championing a hypothetical female president (just not Hillary) and ranting against “rich, white, entitled, scotch-drinking, secretary-chasing old-school hacks” to swearing fealty to one of the richest, whitest, most entitled hacks ever to befoul the Oval Office.  Dennis’ comedy went from literate and thoughtful to reactionary and racist.  He regressed from a comedian to a right-wing pundit, a wannabe shock jock who aspired to the clueless bombast of a Don Imus and the hate-rhetoric of a Michael Savage.  While I suspect that some of Dennis’ views on social issues still correspond with my own, and while I may rewatch a recording of his HBO show or an old Weekend Update segment on Saturday Night Live, there’s nothing Dennis is likely to do in the future that will be fit for human consumption.  Of course, that’s just my opinion.  I could be wrong.

What happened to you, Dennis?  You used to be cooler than Fonzie and the other side of the pillow combined.  Now you’re Ann Coulter’s cabana boy.
5. Tell us something with which you strongly disagree, or greatly dislike.
I disagree that my marriage, divorce, affair, abortion, addiction, faith, or lack of faith is any of your business.
Bonus: What is an opinion held by others that makes you angry?
That sex is only for procreation; that anything sexual enjoyed by two consenting adults of any gender is wrong, immoral, or unlawful (with the possible exception of cannibalism); that fundamental human rights should not be enjoyed by 100% of the world’s population.
Jill’s Answers
1. Tell us something with which you strongly agree, or greatly like.
I strongly agree with the Golden Rule, and I do my best to live my life by it.  I believe that you should treat others the way you wish to be treated.  You should set the example that you would like others to follow.  But the reverse is also true:  If I or someone else treats you kindly, or with respect, you should reciprocate in kind.  The Golden Rule extends to the way I raise my daughter.  By my actions I demonstrate right or wrong, and hopefully she follows my lead.

Not what I was referring to.

2. Tell us something with which you somewhat agree, or somewhat like.

I agree somewhat with the values I was taught growing up in the Catholic church.  That is to say, I selectively retain some of what I was taught, while ignoring the things that don’t suit me, specifically those things I know to be contrary to my own beliefs.  I feel that people should respect others.  I feel that people should be honest.  I believe that family is important, and that one should respect and honor one’s parents (provided that they’re not abusers).  I believe in community, and I do my best to give back to the community in which I grew up.  However, this is really where the church and I part company.  I don’t believe that most of the choices people make with their own lives are the business of anyone but themselves.  I don’t believe that LGBT individuals are somehow evil or immoral, or that they should be shunned.  I don’t even believe in the “hate the sin, not the sinner” bullshit that seems to be a popular thing for religious people to say these days.  I do not feel that women who get abortions are bad people or that they’re going to Hell, if Hell even exists.  I don’t believe that a child who dies without having been baptised will go to Hell (again, if Hell exists).  The concept of original sin is like manufacturing a computer that’s full of viruses just so the purchaser will have to pay for expensive anti-virus software forever.  

In this analogy, the Pope is Bill Gates.

3. Tell us something to which you are indifferent, or have no opinion.
I don’t care at all about reality television and I do my best to avoid it.  I don’t partake in conversations about it at work.  It makes me weep to hear that people I look up to, people I respect and admire, are hooked on Big Brother, The Bachelor, Celebrity Apprentice, Real Housewives of Wherever the Fuck, Who Wants to Pimp My Mom, Jon and Kate, and The Show With Little People Who Have Normal-Sized Children.  I don’t give a shit about the Kardashians, or Snooki’s baby daddy, and in fact I’m a little bit ashamed that I even know that Snooki is pregnant.  On the other hand, I kind of like that show Chopped, with four different chefs competing to make a unique dish out of the same ingredients.

4. Tell us something with which you somewhat dislike or disagree with.
I somewhat disagree with the way the parents of my students are raising them.  It seems like parents today feel that they can’t discipline their children, even verbally.  Because of the threat of C.P.S., they let their kids do whatever they want, including but not limited to misbehaving, acting disrespectful and even violent, and essentially walking all over them.  I disagree with the belief that I am supposed to teach my students manners because their parents can’t be bothered or don’t know how.  I disagree with the idea that I should have to deal with the psychological and emotional issues that bad parenting caused, and the behavioral problems that bad parenting enabled.  I disagree that I am supposed to be a psychiatrist, a nurse, a referee, and a zookeeper in addition to being a teacher.  Actually, you know what?  I don’t disagree with this somewhat.  I disagree with this pretty strongly.  Unfortunately question #5 was the first one I answered, so when I got to this question I had to dial down my vehemence.
5. Tell us something with which you strongly disagree, or greatly dislike.
I strongly disagree that marriage is the right of only certain individuals.  I also strongly disagree that the government should have any say in the matter, nor should it be able to limit the rights afforded to married couples, including legal protection, insurance benefits and pension, family leave, hospital visitation, medical decision-making, the ability to file joint tax returns, and child custody.

Let’s not forget the right to go on a national talk show and make an ass out of yourself. 

Bonus: What is an opinion held by others that makes you angry?
That if you enjoy sex, and if you’re open to exploring different aspects of your sexuality beyond what mainstream society considers “normal”, you deserve to be judged harshly.  That we should only fuck for procreation, under the covers, with the lights off, in the missionary position.  That sex is harmful or detrimental to a happy life, and those who take sexual initiative and deviate from the norm, whether by swinging, group sex, polyamory, exhibitionism and voyeurism, or simply having sex for the fun and the joy of it, you are a bad person.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

TMI Tuesday: May 15, 2012 – Fine Dining

jackandjillcpl11 Comments
Posted in dinner drink food Funny humor Mark Ruffalo meme Star Wars TMI TMI Tuesday weekly feature wine Written by Both
You are having dinner at the best restaurant you can imagine. Do not concern yourself with over-eating, or other restrictions. We want to know what you like best. What will you have for:

Jack’s Answers
1. Before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail?
We’re pretty typical.  During the standard large family dinner outing, we will make for the bar or lounge and have a round while we wait for our table.  Other times, we are seated immediately and enjoy a drink while chatting and perusing the menu.  More often than not, I’ll order an Irish whiskey, neat.  Jameson and Paddy’s are preferred; I’m not crazy about Bushmill’s.  

Nothing against the whiskey itself; I’m just not crazy about anything that includes the word “Bush”.

2. Appetizer?
I’ve never met an hors d’oeuvre I didn’t like; however, there are some I like much more than others.  As the entree I generally order is beef, I find that seafood makes an excellent complement.  Therefore my first choice will be coconut shrimp with an orange marmalade-based dipping sauce.  A good alternative might be fried calamari or crab cakes.  I should also point out that when I read “appetizer”, the first thing that came to mind was the Aussie cheese fries served at the Outback Steakhouse chain.  Consistently named the worst restaurant dish in America by various consumer advocacy and health publications, a single order of these fries delivers almost 3,000 calories.  Given the “Do not concern yourself with over-eating, or other restrictions” bit, I was almost tempted to choose these.
3. Soup?
Again, I am operating under the condition that this mythical meal will somehow not result in the further clogging of my arteries, and that I will manage to offset the damage the food does to my body with a few hours of strenuous physical activity, likely involving sex with Jill and any other sexy female bloggers who’d like to help prolong my life and optimize my physical health by climbing aboard and going for a ride.  Thus, I will choose New England clam chowder, as I’m a fan of cream-based soups, and of the numerous varieties of clam chowder New England is the only one I enjoy.  As a backup choice I’d order corn chowder, as it’s got all the warm, creamy goodness of clam chowder, though sadly none of the clams.
4. Salad?
Ah yes, salad.  Here’s where we get healthy.  Here’s where we undo all the damage I’ve done to my body with the two previous courses.  Since anything served in a salad bowl is bound to be good for you, I’ll take a garden salad, please.  Easy on the lettuce, though you can pile on whatever seasonal vegetables you like.  Then cover the whole thing in extra-chunky blue cheese dressing.
5. Wine or other beverage with dinner?
My first choice would be a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon.  I’m not a wine snob by any means, though I do enjoy drinking it, and whenever convenient or conducive to a good meal, I try to pair wine with food for maximum effect.  Should Cabernet Sauvignon be unavailable, I’d probably go with Merlot, made from a versatile grape that is wholly undeserving of its bad reputation.

This guy’s got a lot to answer for.
6. Entree?
I’ll have the filet mignon topped with blue cheese crust.  I’d like that medium to medium-rare.  I’ll pair it with a Maine lobster tail.  If beef is unavailable – say, for instance, that we’ve crossed into an alternate reality in which the raising of cattle for food is against the law – I’ll have the calamari steak, grilled or breaded and lightly fried; or perhaps a salmon fillet.  
7. Side Dishes?
I’ll go with a loaded baked potato, the perfect accompaniment to a good steak if there ever was one.  Additionally I’ll go with creamed spinach as, in my old age, I’ve come to appreciate this simple and delicious dish, and associate it with high-end steakhouses.  If we’re in that crazy alternate universe where steakhouses have been replaced by fish markets and I’ve just ordered the calamari steak, then switch my baked potato for garlic mashed potatoes, but keep the creamed spinach.
8. Dessert?
My favorite dessert is ice cream.  I can eat it any day of the week – or better still, every day of the week – whether it’s summertime or the dead of winter.  I like ice cream the way Cookie Monster likes cookies.  I’ll eat it plain or with toppings, in a bowl or on a cone.  In fact, I wish I had some ice cream right now.  However, for all of my insistence that ice cream is where it’s at, I don’t see myself sitting through a several-course meal at “the best restaurant [I] can imagine” and then ordering ice cream.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, especially if the restaurant features ice cream on the menu.  It’s just that, under the circumstances, I’m likely to order something denser, along the lines of cheesecake or carrot cake.  If I’m looking for something lighter, I might go with some manner of cheese and fruit platter.
9. After dinner drink?
I enjoy a glass of barrel-aged port or brandy after a sumptuous meal.  If I’m having brandy I would prefer Armagnac or Cognac, as those are the brandies with which I’m most familiar.  However, as I write this I find myself craving a nice orange Muscat, a variety of dessert wine popular in California.  I imagine that it would nicely complement the aforementioned cheesecake.

I said “orange Muscat”.
10. Which 3 people would you invite to dinner: (must be famous, well-known, living or dead, not fictional)
– For sex appeal
These questions are difficult.  I tend not to care about famous people sufficiently to go out of my way to have contact with them.  I can’t relate to celebrities, and the truth is, when I think “sex appeal”, I’m either thinking of someone I know personally, or one of the many sexy online friends with whom we’ve come into contact through blogging and tweeting.  The truth is, I can’t think of very many famous people who turn me on enough to name.  Certainly not any contemporary famous people.  But if I had to choose someone sexy to invite to dinner, make eyes at across the table, and hopefully fuck when all is said and done, I’m thinking it’s going to be Cindy Crawford circa 1992.  Hey, if I can bring someone back from the dead for the purposes of this dinner, I should be able to return a living person to the age of my choice.
– For great conversation
Jesus?  Okay, kidding.  There’s no way I could narrow my answer down to just one person.  Upton Sinclair.  W.E.B. Du Bois.  John F. Kennedy.  Bill Clinton.  Judy Blume.  Barack Obama.  John Waters.  Jane Addams.  William Jennings Bryan.  Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  Gary Gygax.  Rachel Kramer Bussel.  Frank Sinatra.  Dean Martin.  Sammy Davis, Jr.  Margaret Sanger.  Dr. Ruth Westheimer.  Dr. Joycelyn Elders.  Kurt Schmoke.  Ernest Hemingway.  Jon Stewart.  Mohandas Gandhi.  Martin Luther King, Jr.  Forrest J. Ackerman.  Andrew Carnegie.  Richard Dawkins.  Jim Morrison.  Dan Savage.  Stan Lee.  Roger Corman.  Bill Hicks.  Asia Carrera.  Jack Kerouac.  Christopher Hitchens.  Raymond Carver.  I could probably compose a blog post listing nothing but the various individuals I admire and with whom I’d enjoy conversing over a meal.
– Because you detest them
Why would I invite to dinner someone I detest?  What sort of purpose would this serve?  Am I supposed to refrain from washing my hands between going to the bathroom and prepping their meal?  Is it so I can feed them before I take them out to my game preserve and give them a head start before donning a pith helmet and hunting them like a common animal?  I’m not certain why this sub-question involves a person I detest as opposed to, say, a person I admire.  While I suppose that a person that I admire could have been a suitable answer to the previous sub-question, just because I admire someone doesn’t necessarily make them great at conversation.  You know what?  I’m going to go with Hitler.  Why?  Because why the fuck not?  Is there anyone more universally despised throughout the course of human history?  I would opine that there is not.  At the moment, Hitler has the perhaps unique distinction of being so widely hated by such an overwhelming margin of humanity that the people who don’t consider him a mass murdering piece of shit are considered crackpots by the rest of society.  A major plus about inviting Hitler to dinner is that rather than actually serving him a meal I could kill him, thereby disastrously affecting the course of human history.   (I imagine that I’d have to go back in time to, say, the 1920s in order to make this happen; I couldn’t somehow bring Hitler into contemporary times, because then it’s too late.)
Bonus: Your lover brings you breakfast in bed. What’s on the tray?
A bagel, lightly toasted, with cream cheese; and bacon that’s not too crispy.  Additionally, I’ll have a glass of orange juice.  Some pulp is okay, but I don’t want the kind with lots of pulp.

And when I’m done I’ll eat her pussy.

Jill’s Answers

1. Before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail?
I like a glass of wine before a meal.  Wine tends to make me warm and tingly, and that’s always a good way to start an evening.  I would order a nice Syrah, because lately that’s what gets me to my warm and tingly place.

So does this guy.

2. Appetizer?
I would order either a grilled artichoke with mayo or garlic aioli, or coconut shrimp.  It really depends on the time of year.  During the summer months I am more likely to go for the artichoke as it is a lighter dish, whereas if I am eating at Elway’s in Denver it’s going to be the coconut shrimp every time.  [Editor’s note:  Elway’s menu currently lists this item as $16 for three shrimp.  I hope you’re saving your pennies, my dear.]
3. Soup?
Soup has really never been my thing.  It always makes me too hot, and usually fills me up so much that I can’t enjoy my entree.  in the past, if I was eating soup at a restaurant, it was usually a taste of Jack’s and then back to my salad.  But recently I discovered tomato bisque.  It’s my new favorite soup.  Tomato bisque is creamy and delicious, and if made correctly it tastes like Heaven must taste.  In fact, I enjoy it so much that lately I’ve begun to order it as an entree.
4. Salad?
If the restaurant can prepare the blue cheese pecan chopped salad that I sometimes order when we go to Outback Steakhouse, I’d get that.  It’s such a wonderful combination of flavors and textures and is probably my favorite salad at the moment.  If the restaurant cannot prepare that salad, I think I’ll just have a Caesar.  (But they should be able to prepare it, shouldn’t they?  It’s supposed to be the best restaurant I can imagine.)
5. Wine or other beverage with dinner?
Keep the Syrah coming, please.  I’ve got a nice buzz going, and I would really like to maintain it as long as possible.

Not that kind of buzz.

6. Entree?
I’ll have the filet mignon, served medium rare.  That means it has to be seared on the outside, juicy and delicious on the inside.  It needs to melt in my mouth like butter.
7. Side Dishes?
I always get a baked potato when I order a steak.  It’s got to be loaded, too: butter, sour cream, bacon, chives, and shredded, almost melted cheese.  If I can have two sides, I’ll get creamed spinach.  Lately, we find ourselves ordering creamed spinach at a lot of premium steakhouses.  When prepared correctly, this dish is a perfect complement to a good steak.

Not to be confused with a perfect compliment to a good steak.

8. Dessert?
I’ll have the crème brûlée, but not just any crème brûlée.  The custard has to be mixed with rich, melty chocolate on the bottom, and there has to be crispy caramelized bananas on top.  While out to lunch for Mother’s Day, the restaurant we were at treated us to just such a crème brûlée for dessert.  Now I don’t think I can go back to regular crème brûlée.
9. After dinner drink?
The only thing that could possibly make me give up my Syrah glass is an Irish coffee.  After a delicious meal, I love sitting at the table with my siblings, cousins, parents, aunts, and uncles (and of course Jack), enjoying the tastes of the coffee and the whiskey together, as well as the conversation and the sense of closeness to my family.
10. Which 3 people would you invite to dinner: (must be famous, well-known, living or dead, not fictional)
– For sex appeal
This one’s easy:  Harrison Ford.  Doesn’t matter whether he’s playing Han Solo at age thirty-five or Indiana Jones at age sixty-six, he’ll always be one of my longest-running celebrity crushes.  

– For great conversation
It’s got to be William Shakespeare.  I imagine he’s got many stories to tell over a dinner of barbecued burgers and homemade fries or, if he’s feeling particularly adventurous, carnitas tacos.
– Because you detest them
Ann Coulter.  Few people are more loathsome in my eyes.

Bonus: Your lover brings you breakfast in bed. What’s on the tray?
Coffee, orange juice, and a Ramos fizz to drink, plus sourdough toast, bacon, and a multi-layered parfait made of raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, vanilla yogurt, and granola.  And if he wants to include his sausage I’ll eat that too.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Thank you to Virtual Sin for this week’s TMI Tuesday.


TMI Tuesday: May 8, 2012 – M is for Masturbation

jackandjillcpl13 Comments
Posted in Funny Han Solo humor masturbation Masturbation Month meme Rob Liefeld sucks Star Wars TMI TMI Tuesday weekly feature Written by Both
Jack’s Answers
1. How often do you masturbate?
I shoot for once daily during the week, but it’s not always possible.  I have an extremely active two-year-old who doesn’t like to be penned up long enough for me to shower, much less have a prolonged encounter with myself.  It’s not as bad as it was when I wrote this; she’s grown much more self-reliant of late than she was even six months ago.  But normally, if I can masturbate three or four times a week, I’m happy with that.  
2. What are you doing to celebrate Masturbation month?
Jill and I are trying to masturbate at least once a day every day.  So far we’ve both been successful – some days we’ve even had more than one – and we’ll do our best to continue at this pace for as long as we can, even into June if possible.  As I said in my answer to #1, it isn’t always easy to sneak off for some self-love, though the reward is always well worth the effort.
3. Do you like to watch your partner masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. Not really, it’s boring.
d. No, it’s a turn off.
e. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
What?  No (f), I’ve never experienced it and I don’t want to?  Whatever…  Okay, seriously:  I’ll definitely go with (a), as watching a woman masturbate is one of the hottest things I can imagine.  Watching a woman masturbate is the kind of thing I used to fantasize about when I was younger and dated women who didn’t masturbate, didn’t know how, weren’t comfortable with their bodies or the idea of being watched, or had been raised to believe that masturbation was somehow wrong or unhealthy.  I feel sorry for these women, and I hope they’ve corrected their sexual attitudes for the sake of whoever they eventually married.
4. Do you let your partner watch you masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on to be watched.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. No, it’s embarrassing.
d. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
Of course I have.  I’m an exhibitionist.  I’ve let people who weren’t my partner watch me masturbate.  I hope they enjoyed it.  

5. Mutual masturbation? Yay or Nay?
Yay.  Very yay.  Other than intercourse, I sometimes eschew sexual activities that see both of us actively working toward the other’s orgasm at the same time; if I’m trying to make Jill cum, I want to enjoy the experience of her orgasm (as well as the buildup leading to it) without feeling like I have to also experience orgasm in order to justify her efforts.  It’s for this reason that we rarely sixty-nine.  That said, if we’re engaging in mutual masturbation it’s generally done as foreplay.  There’s no pressure to climax, and a good time is had by all.

6. If you had an all-expense-paid trip to San Francisco to attend Masturbate-a-thon 2012 would you go and masturbate? Why or Why not?
An all-expense-paid trip to San Francisco?  So, in other words if someone bought us a sixteenth of a tank of gas?

Admittedly, a sixteenth of a tank of gas isn’t as cheap as it was in the early 1990s.

The Center for Sex & Culture
Sunday, May 27, 10am-midnight
Arrive by 9pm
$40 minimum self-sponsorship; or bring sponsorship form with pledges

All genders, all orientations welcome to explore self-pleasure in a supportive group environment. Check the next newsletter for more detail about this year’s Thon, and join us to Come for a Cause!

All donations and pledges support CSC’s operations and programs.
Bonus: Are you addicted to masturbating?
I enjoy masturbation, both alone and with a partner, and I definitely get a lot of emotional and physical pleasure out of a self-induced orgasm.  It’s quite possibly the greatest of life’s simple pleasures.  To say that I’m addicted, though, would be an exaggeration of Rob Liefeldian proportions.

 This is not a healthy spine! This woman is clearly injured!

Jill’s Answers

1. How often do you masturbate?
I try to masturbate between four and six times during the average week.  During my work week, I usually get myself off in the shower, either with a waterproof vibrator or the hand-held showerhead.  I find that this really helps me focus and have a great day at work.  Of course, it’s likely that I will masturbate at other times during the typical day, especially if Jack and I are having sex.  We try to make masturbation a regular part of our sex play.

Not the “sex play” we were referring to.
2. What are you doing to celebrate Masturbation month?
Jack and I are really making a point of masturbating every day in order to celebrate Masturbation Month.  Additionally we are planning to attend Masturbate-a-Thon at the Center for Sex and Culture on May 27th.  
3. Do you like to watch your partner masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. Not really, it’s boring.
d. No, it’s a turn off.
e. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
I’ll go with (a), yes, it turns me on.  I love watching Jack masturbate.  There is something really sexy about a hot man who knows exactly what he likes and how to handle himself.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and catch Jack masturbating in bed beside me, especially if he’s stayed up much later than I have.  Sometimes I get to help him along or at least clean him up afterwards.  Other times, though, I know that he just wants a quick orgasm before bed and I don’t interrupt, even though I really want to and in fact the realization that he’s masturbating really gets me hot.

The realization that he’s folding laundry gets me even hotter.

4. Do you let your partner watch you masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on to be watched.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. No, it’s embarrassing.
d. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
Again, I have to go with (a).  It really turns me on to be watched while I masturbate.  I love having an audience, though Jack often joins in to help, or massages my thighs and feet while I pleasure myself.  He usually buries his face right in my pussy once I start to cum, or kisses me passionately.  If I ask, I sometimes get to suck his cock while cumming.  Now this I love!

5. Mutual masturbation? Yay or Nay?
Oh yeah!  Heck yeah!  That’s even more fun than solo masturbation.

Rowr.

6. If you had an all-expense-paid trip to San Francisco to attend Masturbate-a-thon 2012 would you go and masturbate? Why or Why not?
Luckily we are within driving distance and we plan on attending provided that we can find a babysitter for the day-long event.  We can’t wait!  I’m a little nervous, but very excited about a possible new experience.  I’m sure we will blog all about it.

http://masturbate2012.tumblr.com/


The Center for Sex & Culture
Sunday, May 27, 10am-midnight
Arrive by 9pm
$40 minimum self-sponsorship; or bring sponsorship form with pledges


All genders, all orientations welcome to explore self-pleasure in a supportive group environment. Check the next newsletter for more detail about this year’s Thon, and join us to Come for a Cause!


All donations and pledges support CSC’s operations and programs.

Bonus: Are you addicted to masturbating?
I enjoy it, but I wouldn’t say that I’m addicted to it.  I don’t have to touch myself everytime I have two minutes of privacy.  While I love masturbation, I much prefer being touched by someone else, and if I had to choose, I’d give up masturbation long before I’d ever give up sex.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

TMI Tuesday: Let’s Talk About Sex

jackandjillcpl13 Comments
Posted in Funny Hair as Erogenous Zone Queef Sex Education TMI Tuesday voyeurism/exhibitionism Written by Both

Jack’s Answers
1. What sexual act arouses you the most? For that matter, what nonsexual act arouses you the most?
I like watching Jill – or any woman – masturbate. That’s a surefire way to get me worked up. If we’re talking about one- (or two-) on-one sexual activity, oral sex. That gets me pretty aroused. There are lots of things that I like to do sexually, but by the time I’m doing them I’m already aroused. So I’m going to say watching female masturbation, and oral sex. As far as nonsexual acts, eating, followed by depositing large amounts of money in my bank account.
2. What is your signature or “go to” move that is sure to get a lover in the mood for sex?
For Jill, it’s kissing her neck. This turns her into a puddle.
3. Do you queef?
I haven’t yet. I’m honestly not that curious to find out if I would. [EDIT: Technically speaking I guess I can’t queef, as it’s a bodily function that occurs in the vagina only. I suppose that expelling air out of the anus would just be a fart.]
4. What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to YOU as a result of your sex writings (e.g., blog, erotica, sex toy reviews)? (borrowed from Insatiabear)
Hard to say. Nothing immediately comes to mind. Despite the fact that we’re super-hot sex bloggers who Tweet naughty pictures and regularly participate in OHNT, we’re pretty much regular people and no aliens have seen fit to abduct us for nefarious sexual purposes. Although on Saturday we did go to a sex club as much for the purposes of documenting the experience on our blog as out of general curiosity. It still wasn’t that weird. I’m thinking “weird” would be, say, one of our followers recognizing my wife’s breasts in public.
5. Have you ever had sex while someone watched?
…someone else was in the room?
…someone else in the bed, next to you and the person you’re having sex with?
What were the circumstances?
Yes. Before I met Jill, a girlfriend and I used to have semi-regular same-room sex with another couple, and it was pretty hot. Since meeting Jill, we’ve had same-room sex with a different couple (in the dark), same-room oral, and invited a single friend of ours over to watch us fuck. We’ve also had threesomes, which included Jill and I fucking while our third watched, or possibly texted or checked Facebook on her phone. [EDIT: I’m not sure how neither Jill nor I remembered to include mention of our sex club adventures this weekend. They certainly qualify.]
6. When it comes to sex, and discussing it with your teen have you or would you:
a. Let school sex education handle it
b. Hand the teen a book or point them to a website
c. Talk frankly and openly
d. Avoid it all together–society, friends, and the internet will give all the info needed
I’m tempted to say (d), let society, the internet, etc. do our work for us. That’s how I learned about sex, and I have no regrets whatsoever. However, by the time our daughter is in need of sex ed, I can’t imagine what kind of information (or more likely, misinformation) will be circulating around the playground, be it an actual playground or a virtual one. Therefore I suppose we’d better do our job as parents and talk to her. You have no idea how badly I wish I could just refer her to a reputable and sex-positive website like Scarleteen, and leave it at that, but despite my innate lack of comfort talking sex with my child, I hope that I will overcome it and be able to use said website as a supplement to our talks. Then again, by the time our daughter is a teenager we might very well be nearing senility.
Click Here, it’s important
Bonus: Remember the song, “I’m too sexy?” CLICK to refresh your memory
What are you too sexy for?
My clothes. There is nothing that I can possibly wear that could make me hotter than I am without it.
Jill’s Answers
1. What sexual act arouses you the most? For that matter, what nonsexual act arouses you the most?
The sexual act that arouses me the most is probably being kissed all over my body, not just in the places you’d expect. My neck, my shoulders, my stomach, my thighs, my feet. Do that to me and you’ll make me very wet without even touching my pussy. The nonsexual act is definitely getting my hair washed. That turns me on so much that I once had an orgasm while at the hairdresser.
2. What is your signature or “go to” move that is sure to get a lover in the mood for sex?
In the case of Jack, kissing him while placing my hand on his cock, or placing his hand between my legs.
3. Do you queef?
Yes, sometimes when I’ve been fucked from behind. Sometimes Jack pumps a lot of air into me that way. It’s got to come out somehow.
4. What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to YOU as a result of your sex writings (e.g., blog, erotica, sex toy reviews)? (borrowed from Insatiabear)
I don’t think anything weird has happened as a result of our blogging and Tweeting. We have been asked by Eden Fantasys to review sex toys, and while it was out of the ordinary I wouldn’t say it was weird. Nothing really weird has happened to us, but I wouldn’t mind if something did, as long as it was hot.
5. Have you ever had sex while someone watched?
…someone else was in the room?
…someone else in the bed, next to you and the person you’re having sex with?
What were the circumstances?
Yes, I have done this. I frequently masturbate while Jack watches. I know that this isn’t what was meant, but I thought I would include it. I have had penetrative sex with other people in the room. Once, Jack and I invited a friend over to watch us have sex. It was really hot to think that he enjoyed our performance, even though he didn’t whip out his cock and play with it or anything. I’m happy to show off, but I prefer knowing that my audience appreciates it. In fact, before I met Jack I had sex with a guy I was dating, and his roommate came into the bedroom and watched and masturbated. He came all over the place. Now that was hot!
6. When it comes to sex, and discussing it with your teen have you or would you:
a. Let school sex education handle it
b. Hand the teen a book or point them to a website
c. Talk frankly and openly
d. Avoid it all together–society, friends, and the internet will give all the info needed
Our daughter is not yet a teen, so we have not yet addressed the topic of sex. We understand the need to possibly address it before the teen years, but at less than two years old, it’s probably not a priority right now. We understand that she will probably pick up some information from friends, as this is where Jack and I got much of our sexual education. But we would like to be able to have open, honest discussions about sex with her, and for her to feel like she can ask us anything without fear of punishment or ridicule. If she is not comfortable talking to us about it, as neither of us were comfortable talking about sex with our own parents, she has many aunts who are more than willing to talk with her about it.
Click Here, it’s important
Bonus: Remember the song, “I’m too sexy?” CLICK to refresh your memory
What are you too sexy for?
My job. There are things I do sexually that, if made public, could jeopardize my career.

TMI Tuesday: Not Related

jackandjillcpl11 Comments
Posted in Funny Not Sexy Shitty Kid Social Networking TMI Tuesday Violent Crime Report Written by Both

A fun random image to go along with some fun random questions

Jack’s Answers

1. Name 5 things you did more of before social networking (facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.)?
Note: These are things I did more of before I began taking part in social networking, not necessarily things I did before social networking actually existed.
1. Called people on the phone
2. Sent e-mails
3. Wondered how some nearly-forgotten acquaintance from junior high school is enjoying life.
4. Slept
5. Mocked smartphone owners for being unable to go five minutes without updating their Facebook status

2. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?
My daughter. (Presumably my wife is aware of the fire given the fact that it’s very difficult to sleep through my patented undignified “the-house-is-on-fire” screams of terror.) I would probably also grab oour wedding album, since I made the damn thing and it was a hell of a lot of work.

3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
a. What time did you go to bed last night?
b. What time did you wake up today?
I’m a night owl by nature, and I always have been. However, the fact that I have a daughter who is somehow both a night owl and an early riser means that I’ve had to adjust in the last year and a half. My mother says that this is simply history repeating itself, and having not been fond of sleep as a young child I am now blessed with a baby who feels the same way. I can’t tell you how many mornings I’ve had where, after negligible sleep at best, I’ve begged any theoretical deity out there to let her sleep just one more hour so I could also get some precious rest only to hear her calling me from her crib or worse, crying. It is for this reason that I look forward to, and will take unnatural delight in, waking her up for school when she gets older.
a. I went to bed last night at around 12:30 or 12:45.
b. I woke this morning around seven.

4. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?
Probably swear, likely at the kid, right to his or her face. (“You little motherfucker!” comes immediately to mind.) It’s instinct, really. I don’t know that I would swear out of anger but more out of a reaction to the shock and pain of having said child suddenly kick me. I’ve never been the sort to harm or even touch an unruly child, though I think I would be tempted. I realize that you don’t use physical violence in order to teach a child not to be physically violent; rather, I might harrangue the child verbally, especially if the child was older than, say, four and thus should most certainly know better. Additionally if there is a parent nearby, I think I would politely ask him or her to teach the child some manners.

5. What three things do you never leave the house without?
Pants, my left shoe, and my right one. This is the least amount of clothing I am generally wearing when I walk through my front door whether or not I am going for a run, taking out the garbage, getting the mail, or actually getting in a car and going someplace. I generally wear a shirt as well, though the question asked for three things, not four. If clothing does not count and I must come up with three other things, i.e. three accessories or personal effects, I will go with my phone, as I burst into flames if I am not reachable at all times; my wallet as I like being able to pay for things and drive a car, and that is where I usually keep any cash or cards, as well as my driver’s license; and my keys, which are necessary for locking my front door when I leave, and unlocking it when I return. In addition, I frequently carry my mp3 player, and a pair of ear buds if I’m out for a walk or run; spare batteries for my phone, as my phone uses power far too quickly and without them I am sure to burst into flames; a Canon PowerShot point-and-shoot camera for those occasions when I plan to take lots of pictures but don’t want to kill my phone batteries; and a pair of sunglasses, if necessary.

Bonus: Name a place that you visited last week that you’ve never visited before. Briefly tell us about the visit.
On Saturday we took the baby to a pumpkin farm on the coast, where she ran around like a madwoman, grateful to be out of the car after more than an hour’s drive. She attempted to pick up every single pumpkin she could find, and eventually picked out a small sugar pie pumpkin which, yes, Jill will make into a pie. I’m reasonably certain that I’ve never been to this pumpkin patch before, although as I understand it local elementary schools sometimes take October field trips there, and have for decades, which conceivably could mean that I went there when I was a kid. However, I am going to assume that I have in fact never been there, unless a photo surfaces of me standing by the sign at the main entrance.

Jill’s Answers

1. Name 5 things you did more of before social networking (facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.)?
1. Wrote letters
2. Made phone calls
3. Visited people
4. Read books
5. Listened to music

2. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?
Besides the baby? Our pictures and other things that can’t be replaced.

3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
a. What time did you go to bed last night?
b. What time did you wake up today?
I’m more of a morning person than a night owl. Because of my schedule, which includes frequent workouts and a forty-five minute commute to and from work (not to mention work itself), by nighttime I have absolutely no energy to spare, and I frequently fall asleep while putting the baby to bed. It’s a miracle that we manage to have as much sex as we do.
a. I went to bed around eleven PM.
b. I woke up this morning around 6:45 AM. I slept way too late, and left the house like – well, like it was on fire.

4. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?
I’d probably ask what the hell he or she thinks he’s doing. Then I’d look for a parent and bring the matter to the parent’s attention. Actually, something like this happened to me once, about eleven years ago. I was teaching a kindergarten class, and one of my students was misbehaving. When I tried to discipline him, he tried to run from the classroom. When I stopped him, he kicked me in the shin, leaving a permanent mark, and tried to run again. When I caught him, I took him to the principal’s office. The principal, having had numerous problems not only with this student but with his elder siblings, decided to call the police in order to get the parents to discipline their shitty kids. A violent crime report was filed, and I still have a copy of it someplace.

5. What three things do you never leave the house without?
My keys, and my purse and my phone. Initially I said “shoes” in place of “phone”, and Jack pointed out that this implies that I sometimes leave the house without pants or a top. I rarely do that anymore.

Bonus: Name a place that you visited last week that you’ve never visited before. Briefly tell us about the visit.
We went to the home of a female friend’s new boyfriend on Saturday night and hung out with them. We’d planned to pick up dinner for them but they’d already eaten, so Jack and I picked up food on the way and when we got there we hung out in the hot tub, drank wine, and had a great time.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI Tuesday: Have and Have Not

jackandjillcpl7 Comments
Posted in Funny TMI Tuesday Written by Both
This week’s TMI Tuesday was inspired by An Optimistic Virgin. Read her Have and Have Not for inspiration and HAVE FUN creating yours.
Jack’s Answers
List five (5) things you have done that other people probably have not done.
1. I’ve had three orgasms in about fifteen minutes. I have no doubt that some women have done this, but I bet not a lot of guys have. I experienced this on Sunday night, though it was by no means the first time. I know that I’m not as young as I used to be, but some night when we don’t have to worry about getting up early or being interrupted by a crying baby, I’d like to see if I can keep the pace for a full hour, i.e. twelve orgasms in sixty minutes. I bet I could, especially if Jill was the one coaxing them out of me, though I’m curious as to changes in volume over the course of the hour.
2. I once had an open warrant for my arrest for about sixteen months without knowing about it. I’m not a career criminal or anything; this occurred when I was younger and shall we say much less judicious about the sort of folks with whom I associated. I’d participated in a certain indiscretion and explained my involvement to the police upon request but due to a miscommunication I thought they’d gotten what they needed from me. Turns out they hadn’t, and when I found out that I was wanted – holy crap, wanted? Doesn’t that make me sound like a badass outlaw or something? – I immediately cleared the matter up. The scariest thing about it was that, the entire time that this warrant was out, had I been pulled over for a traffic violation they would have run my driver’s license and immediately arrested me.
3. I kissed the Blarney Stone.
4. After experiencing extreme disillusionment sitting in a cubicle, I started my own business almost a decade ago. Today the fact that I am strictly management means that I can afford to spend my days raising my daughter, though the fact that I remember what it was like before I was management means that I never fail to let my employees know that they are appreciated.
5. I once rode a mule down the Grand Canyon. In my early twenties I would road trip to Lake Havasu for Spring Break, and one year a friend and I decided to take a mule ride. Though a fun once-in-a-lifetime experience, once we were on our mules it was clear that neither of us had any idea how steep the trail would be. Or, for that matter, just how long the ride was going to be. It was interminably long, the weather was hotter than we were prepared for, and by the time we got to the end of the ride (we only went as far as Plateau Point), we really wished a helicopter would swoop down from the sky, extend a rope ladder, and carry us the hell out of there, mules be damned. When it was over, and we were both chugging beers on a party boat back at the lake, we acknowledged that we were glad we did it.
List five (5) things you have not done that other people probably have done.
1. I’ve never crank called anyone. While I understand that, in the ’80s when I came of age, this sort of thing was for some a mischievous childhood rite of passage, much like toilet-papering or egging someone’s house, I never partook in this annoying but probably harmless activity. I’m guessing that my reluctance to do this stems from the fact that, during my childhood, my family was the subject of frequent crank calls, and I guess that while I was willing to do things of which my parents would not approve, annoying random strangers was not one of them. Additionally, I was always convinced that the first number I crank-called would have a trace attached for the purpose of locating a kidnapped child, and that I would be hauled off to juvie without benefit of trial. Here I must acknowledge that crank calling has almost certainly diminished in frequency over the last fifteen to twenty years as Caller I.D. has gone from being a novelty to a universal concept. But I include this have-not with the understanding that I am comparing myself with the rest of my generation, and not the current crop of young people for whom Star-69 is probably meaningless.
2. I’ve never smoked a cigarette. Both of my parents smoked when I was a kid, and I always found it gross. While on many occasions during my formative years I gave in to peer pressure, did things that I knew I shouldn’t, and otherwise demonstrated questionable judgment and decision-making skills, I knew that smoking after years of giving my parents shit for it would make me a hyporcite, and I always resisted the temptation. Because, you know, an activity that stinks up your body and your clothes, wrinkles your skin, and leads to a variety of terminal illnesses is seriously tempting.
3. I haven’t seen more than one or two episodes of Lost, a series that about 75% of my friends not only watched, but also took for granted that I watched as well. Between 2004 and 2010 the number of times I had to deflect requests to discuss the latest episode by explaining that I don’t watch it (usually including the specific phrase, “No, I didn’t watch The X-Files either”) probably amounted to a hundred or more. It’s an easy assumption to make; it was a very popular show that appealed specifically to my demographic: Geeks in their late twenties/early thirties. But apparently so ridiculous was the notion that I didn’t count myself amongst the Lostaways that I had to explain it to the same person several times during the series’ run.
4. I never played high school sports. To this day, I have no idea why this is.
5. I have not owned or regularly used an Apple product in seven years. I’ve owned a couple Apple computers, including a Macintosh Powerbook laptop in 1993 and a Macintosh Performa desktop in 1994. Of these, the only one that met my expectations for functionality was the Powerbook. When the Performa crashed, I made the switch to PC and although I understand that the Apple brand is much more popular today than it was then, I haven’t looked back. A couple years after the iPod was introduced, I wanted an easy way of listening to my impressive digital music collection on the go, so I bought one. Like the Performa, it didn’t live up to my expectations; it couldn’t hold a battery charge long enough to transfer my music, and took more than a day or two to fully re-charge. I assume based on the iPod’s market share compared to other digital music players that most people who own one enjoy it, but I’ve jumped ship to a competing brand.
Bonus: What is the oddest thing that you’ve ever seen?
Some sort of specimen in a jar that my high school biology teacher kept displayed on a shelf in the back of his classroom. No one had a clue as to what it was, though the general consensus amongst much of the class was that it was the penis of some kind of animal. In retrospect I doubt that this is in fact what the specimen was, though I’m at a loss to offer an alternate guess. It seemed like some manner of medical curiosity that one might see at a carnival sideshow in the days of yore.
Bonus, Bonus: What is the oddest, kinkiest, or craziest thing you have ever done?
Oddest: When I was probably nine or ten years old, I used to flail my right arm out to my side as I walked. This wasn’t some sort of nervous tic; this was a voluntary behavior. I’m not actually sure why I did this, but I remember it occurring with regularity for probably the better part of a year until I realized that to most people I probably looked like an idiot, not unlike John Cleese in that Monty Python “Ministry of Funny Walks” sketch, but less funny.
Kinkiest: I don’t know how I can answer this. I’ve done relatively kinky things, but I don’t know that anything I’ve ever done is much kinkier than anything else, certainly not enough to be singled out as the kinkiest. I could list some of the kinkier things I’ve done, but I’m sure most have been mentioned and/or described elsewhere in this blog. Hell, how about Porn and Pizza? I’ll go with that.
Craziest: I once smuggled something across the Mexican border into the U.S. Nothing too outrageous, just more alcohol than an individual is allowed to carry. Again, this was in my younger and more reckless days (pre-9/11), when repercussions were the sort of thing you worried about after the fact, if you worried about them at all. If I was caught, I don’t know that I would have been arrested – I might have – but I’m sure I would have been fined at the least. At any rate, it didn’t matter because they accepted my “nothing to declare” with a wave-through, and my friends and I spent the next couple days wasted.
Jill’s Answers
List five (5) things you have done that other people probably have not done.
1. I drank melting ice atop Mendenhall Glacier, a twelve-mile-long block of ice located near Juneau, Alaska. It was the freshest water I have ever tasted, and I’d like to return someday before the glacier is gone, if only so I can taste it again.
2. When I was in my twenties I had sex on a play structure at a local park. It was after dark, the park was pretty much deserted, and there was probably very little chance of being seen by someone passing by, but if the police had noticed us and decided to come see what we, two adults, were doing atop a play structure, we might have been in trouble. Fortunately, we didn’t get caught and the risk we were taking made this an experience I will never forget. This isn’t the only time that I have ever had sex in public, but it is probably the only time that I had sex in an area intended primarily for children, unless you count the time that I did it at a Toys ‘R’ Us.
3. I saw Sha Na Na in concert. It depresses me to think that most of the people who read this probably have no idea what Sha Na Na is.
4. I have visited Disneyland at least once a year for more than two decades.
5. For fifty-two consecutive weeks in 2010, Jack and I submitted photos to The Other Half-Nekkid Thursday. This is more my thing than Jack’s, since the pictures were of me and not him. It was exciting to bare my body and my soul, and the positive, sometimes very enthusiastic comments people left make me proud to visit the site and look at myself.
List five (5) things you have not done that other people probably have done.
1. I’ve always wanted to go to New York, but I never have. I’ve traveled the world extensively, especially throughout Europe, but the one place I want to go more than any other is New York. A few years ago Jack went to the East Coast to follow AC/DC on tour, and because of my work schedule I couldn’t join him. Plus it was a guy’s trip and I wasn’t invited anyway. While I envied him for all the fun he was having, I wished I could have flown out to meet him at least while he was in New York. Now we are parents, and traveling is more difficult. But it’s on my bucket list.
2. I’ve never broken a bone. Maybe this is less common today, when kids are encouraged to stay inside and watch TV or play video games, but when I was a kid I was very active, constantly getting into the sort of scrapes that children were expected to. Today I am a teacher, and if a student comes into class with the amount of cuts and bruises that I had all the time, I am supposed to discretely ask the child how he or she got them.
3. I’ve never lived in more than one state. Despite my travels, I have always been a California girl, and I’m not sure that this will ever change, nor that I would want it to. Despite the fact that the cost of living here is astronomical, California is my home.
4. I’ve been working since age sixteen and have probably held twenty-five different jobs. While I’ve left jobs for a variety of reasons, it was always my choice to do so. I have never been fired.
5. I’ve never enjoyed sushi. I’ve eaten it on many different occasions, usually when invited out with friends or a mixed group of people, and I’ve just never liked it. I know it’s not the sushi, as I’ve eaten it at higher-end restaurants and bars, not just crappy low-class places where the staff don’t use quality ingredients or wash their hands. Literally every time I’ve eaten sushi I’ve been sick afterwards.
Bonus: What is the oddest thing that you’ve ever seen?
In the area where Jack and I currently live, which includes the city where I grew up, there is a woman who wanders the streets wearing only a T-shirt that barely reaches her ass, and a pair of hospital booties. Now, I know that this probably sounds incredibly sexy to many of you, especially given the fact that this is literally all she wears (no panties), but it’s unfortunately not as hot as you may be thinking. She’s been a familiar sight for probably ten years or more, and the fact that she lives on the street has obviously taken its toll on her. I assume that she’s been picked up for indecent exposure (as well as for psychiatric evaluation), but for whatever reason when she is released she immediately goes back to wearing her usual outfit.
Bonus, Bonus: What is the oddest, kinkiest, or craziest thing you have ever done?
Oddest: This is going to sound like a cop-out, but I can’t think of anything odd. I wish I had something to share, especially after reading Jack’s weird childhood quirk. But I wouldn’t want to share anything that weird. It sounds like someone had a touch of OCD.
Kinkiest: Masturbating for the viewing pleasure of our friends.
Craziest: The play structure incident described above, as well as the manual-masturbation-on-a-plane incident. As I get older, I still appreciate the thrill of inadvertent (or deliberate) exhibitionism, though now that I am a parent it seems much riskier.