I found this survey at Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Ruleand decided to take part. I’m a die-hard horror fan, and as it’s nearly Halloween I thought why not? With the multitude of memes in which we take part each week, this blog has come a long way from its humble origins as a mere record of our sex life. If you don’t happen to fancy horror as a cinematic genre, I won’t take it personal if you decide to skip this entry. If you do – or if you’re willing to go along for the ride – you might get an idea as to what, beyond sexy naked women, makes me tick.
-Jack
1) Favorite Vincent Price/American International Pictures release.
While AIP is responsible for many of the horror films I love, including the eight Poe-flavored Vincent Price/Roger Corman films, without a doubt, my favorite film from this category is The Abominable Dr. Phibes. I read about this one in back issues of Famous Monsters of Filmland when I was a budding horror geek (I remember discovering that it was Vincent Price’s 100th film), and upon finally viewing it I was captivated, not only by Price’s performance, but by the character of Phibes himself, a disfigured madman hell-bent on revenge against the doctors he believes responsible for the death of his wife. Under the direction of Robert Fuest, The Abominable Dr. Phibes is as full of over-the-top action set-pieces as any big-budget summer blockbuster. The film climaxes with a heart-pounding scene involving an acid trap that seems almost like a precursor to the Saw movies. Watch the trailer:
2) What horror classic (or non-classic) that has not yet been remade would you like to see upgraded for modern audiences?
I am largely unimpressed by the recent spate of Hollywood horror remakes. I feel they are crass big-budget spectacles that almost totally lack the frequently small-budget charm of the originals. But Jack, you may say, your beloved Frankenstein was a remake. Well, technically not; Universal’s 1931 version of Frankenstein, directed by James Whale, is actually an adaptation of the Mary Shelley novel, and not a remake of the earlier Thomas Edison film, but I see your point. I don’t dislike all remakes; I simply miss the days when Hollywood may not have had any original ideas, but they did a better job of packaging them with new titles. Though technically not a horror film, the film that I think could actually stand a big-budget remake is Toho’s 1962 film King Kong vs. Godzilla. A legendary monster mash, I’ve enjoyed this film – a classic in my book, at least – for decades. It’s a film that could stand a more dynamic approach, ideally produced and directed by fans of the giant monster genre, but only if the monsters are realized practically. No CGI whatsoever. Watch the trailer for the 1962 film:
3) Jonathan Frid or Thayer David? I’ve never watched Dark Shadows, but I’ll say Jonathan Frid as I am at least familiar with his character of Barnabas Collins.
4) Name the one horror movie you need to see that has so far eluded you.
I can’t think of too many horror essentials that I’ve yet to see, as I spent my formative years reading about so-called must-see horror movies and then tracking them down at local video stores or watching them on cable. I’m sure there are some newer horror films that sound good and which I’d like to check out, but no absolute musts, no movies that might make a fellow genre lover say, “You haven’t seen that one yet? Dude – get on that already!” The only one I can think of is, perhaps, Dan Curtis’ 1975 TV movie Trilogy of Terror, starring Karen Black and a Zuni fetish doll. I’m not sure why I haven’t seen this one yet; I’m pretty sure I have a copy around here somewhere.
5) Favorite film director most closely associated with the horror genre.
John Carpenter, whose filmography reads like a list of must-see horror films. Carpenter might still enjoy the “favorite” designation were his sole contribution to the genre 1978’s seminal slasher Halloween. In my opinion, Halloween is an essential modern horror film. Perhaps the essential modern horror film. It reinvented the horror genre, and gave rise to legions of inferior clones, including Friday the 13th. Without Halloween, the slasher movie cycle of the late ’70s and early ’80s may never have taken place. (Yes, I’m aware that 1974’s Black Christmas is considered by many to be the true father of the genre, but no less of an authority than Sean Cunningham has stated that it was Halloween that he was trying to rip off with Friday the 13th.) Additionally, the fact that Carpenter performed a variety of other roles in addition to directing, frequently writing, producing, acting and contributing memorable musical scores, makes him a very versatile jack-of-all-trades.
6) Ingrid Pitt or Barbara Steele?
Ingrid Pitt. While I am familiar with the work of Barbara Steele, especially her dual roles in Mario Bava’s 1960 film Black Sunday and 1961’s Roger Corman adaptation of The Pit and the Pendulum, I am much more familiar with Ingrid Pitt’s performances in Hammer’s early-’70s offerings The Vampire Lovers and Countess Dracula.
7) Favorite 50’s sci-fi/horror creature.
If I’m being absolutely serious, I’m going with the Gill Man, the title character of Universal’s classic 1954 film Creature From the Black Lagoon. What’s not to like? Millicent Patrick’s design is intricate and wildly exotic, the face managing to be both scary and sympathetic. Equally at home on land as underwater, the Gill Man attacks and kills humans only because they intrude on his territory, making this one akin to an early conservationist parable.
Watch the trailer:
If I’m being less serious, I’ll choose Ro-Man, the main baddie from the craptacular 1953 cult classic Robot Monster.
I am a fan of schlocky 1950s sci-fi and horror and I’ve seen many of the best-known and most-ridiculed films of this genre. However, none of them present a character as ridiculous as Ro-Man, an alien – or is it a robot? – invader portrayed by actor George Barrows wearing a gorilla suit and a diving helmet.
Watch the trailer:
8) Favorite/best sequel to an established horror classic.
Bride of Frankenstein. As a fan of the Universal horror films of the ’30s and ’40s, I was exposed to James Whale’s adaptation of Frankenstein at an early age. Though unquestionably a horror classic and quite fun to watch, this film is sadly very dated. Not just because it’s in black and white, as are virtually all films of the era; or because the entire cast (as far as I can tell) is dead, including then-seven-year-old Marilyn Harris, who played the young girl inadvertently drowned by Karloff’s childlike Monster. It’s dated because, at the time of its release in 1931, sound had only been a component of feature films for a few years. Frankenstein is a quiet movie that in some ways doesn’t quite live up to the potential of the sound era. Additionally, Whale’s extensive experience as a director of stage plays may have contributed to the film’s staid quality, which included many very straightforward, static camera shots. (A relative to whom I showed the film compared it to watching security camera footage, though I wouldn’t go quite that far.) Despite the fact that both Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein were directed by the same man, and that a mere four years passed between the films, Bride is the polar opposite of the original. Infused with jolts (no pun intented) of gallows’ humor, Bride of Frankenstein also makes the most of sound, featuring a memorable score by Franz Waxman; and there is much use made of lighting, camera placement, and overt symbolism and iconography. Additionally, the film features one of the most intriguing characters from the classic Universal pantheon, Ernest Thesiger’s Dr. Pretorius, not to mention Elsa Lanchester’s iconic turn as the Monster’s Mate.
Watch the trailer:
9) Name a sequel in a horror series which clearly signaled that the once-vital franchise had run out of gas.
The first movie that came to mind when I read this question was Alien Resurrection. Alien and Aliens are two of my all-time favorite sci-fi films, though I was underwhelmed by David Fincher’s 1992 follow-up Alien 3. While my enjoyment of Alien 3 has increased with repeat viewings, AlienResurrection represents the series’ nadir. I don’t find the designs of the aliens compelling, and the plot contrivance of bringing Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley back as a clone simply doesn’t work for me. Watch the trailer:
I have similar feelings about Hammer’s 1970 film The Horror of Frankenstein.
I found Ralph Bates, who played the title role, to be a poor substitute for Peter Cushing, whose Baron Frankenstein had been a staple of Hammer’s Frankenstein films since the series’ inception. Additionally, I didn’t care for the way this film restarted the films’ continuity, and since the follow-up, 1974’s Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell, reinstates Cushing, it’s easy to overlook this one. Watch the trailer:
10) John Carradine or Lon Chaney Jr.?
Chaney by a mile. Although Chaney’s portrayal of Frankenstein’s Monster falls far short of Karloff’s (or even, arguably, Glenn Strange’s), the dual role that he came to regard as “my baby”, the Wolf Man and his alter-ego Lawrence Talbot, was solely his. He brought much pathos to the character’s five appearances, even in the series’ comedic swan-song Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. The one character both actors played to which I feel Carradine was better suited was Dracula, a role he played in Universal’s House of Frankenstein and House of Dracula, as well as William “One-Shot” Beaudine’s bargain-basement 1966 schlock classic Billy the Kid vs. Dracula. Though he can’t hope to match the authenticity of Bela Lugosi’s performance, Carradine’s Shakespearean background serves him well as the Transylvanian Count.
11) What was the last horror movie you saw in a theater? On DVD or Blu-ray?
Theater? Got me. We make it out to the movies pretty rarely these days, owing to our refusal to bring a young child into a movie theater for a kid-friendly movie, much less a horror film; as well as a scarcity of babysitters in our area and the extensive planning that must now go into theater-going. As parents, we are no longer able to spontaneously go see a movie. Accordingly we see most of our movies in the relative comfort of our own home, where the penalty for answering a cell phone during a movie is no more popcorn for you. The last movie we saw was Halloween III: Season of the Witch, which we watched last night once the baby had gone to bed. Of course, we’ve seen it many times; the most recent new horror film we saw was Scream 4.
12) Best foreign-language fiend/monster.
Godzilla, hands down. I’ve long been a fan of the King of the Monsters, and like James Bond, I enjoy watching the character develop and evolve – or at times devolve – through the course of a decades-long film series. And while I love the tone of the 1954 film Gojira, in which the monster’s attack on Tokyo is an allegory for the nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, as a child I had a soft spot for some of his more fantastical cinematic adventures from the 1960s and 1970s. Of particular interest to Little Jack was the abyssmal – and I mean abyssmal, even for me as a young child – 1973 offering Godzilla vs. Megalon, which introduced not only the subterranean cockroach monster Megalon, but also the multi-hued (and strangely mute despite his Jack Nicholson-esque grin) Ultraman ripoff Jet Jaguar. Watch the trailer:
13) Favorite Mario Bava movie.
I would have to say Black Sunday, though I also appreciate Twitch of the Death Nerve for its influence on the splatter films of the ’80s.
14) Favorite horror actor and actress.
It’s pretty difficult to choose just one from each category, as there are a lot of different factors that would make me choose one actor or actress in particular. For overall contributions to the genre, I would probably choose Boris Karloff, as he gave horror cinema many iconic performances, not the least of which are Frankenstein’s Monster and the Mummy Im-Ho-Tep in four Universal films in the 1930s; and Jamie Lee Curtis, who demonstrated in Halloween that women in horror films can do more than simply scream and wait for rescue, and set the trend of tough, plucky “final girls” that continues to this day. Were I choosing recipients for some sort of horror “lifetime achievement award”, I would select Christopher Lee for his extensive body of work; and Daniela Doria for a career of undignified death scenes at the hands of director Lucio Fulci. I would also like to mention four-time Jason Voorhees actor Kane Hodder, who is remarkably down-to-earth and personable despite his very intimidating signature role; and A Nightmare on Elm Street actress Heather Langenkamp, who may very well have been my first celebrity crush.
15) Name a great horror director’s least effective movie.
John Carpenter’s 1996 film Escape From L.A. As stated earlier, Carpenter is undoubtedly a great horror director; his career has been distinguished by such beloved genre classics as The Thing, Christine, and my personal favorite, the aforementioned Halloween. But the follow-up to his 1981 hit Escape From New York suffered from overblown action sequences, and generally feels forced in much the same way that Shock Treatment, the sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show is an attempt to catch lightning in a bottle. Watch the trailer:
16) Grayson Hall or Joan Bennett?
Again, not a big fan of Dark Shadows, so…
17) When did you realize that you were a fan of the horror genre? And if you’re not, when did you realize you weren’t?
I don’t know when I realized that I was a fan, though it must have been during my early childhood. I knew that I loved monsters, but I was unaware of the overall significance of this love. I wouldn’t have said that I was a fan of the horror genre; I just liked scary stuff. I had lots of monster toys, including Remco’s Universal Mini-Monsters action figures; I checked out all the horror-related reading material I could find at my local library, though I was particularly enamored with Crestwood House’s Monster Series books, the orange covers and spines of which were undoubtedly familiar to any child of the late ’70s and early ’80s; I watched as much horror as I could get my hands on, though at a very young age this proved difficult, and my horror-watching (as opposed to horror-admiring-from-afar) really took off in my pre-teen years.
18) Favorite Bert I. Gordon (B.I.G.) movie.
1957’s The Amazing Colossal Man. Like Phibes, I fondly remember reading about The Amazing Colossal Man and its pseudo-sequel, the following year’s War of the Colossal Beast, in well-thumbed and worn copies of Famous Monsters of Filmland during my youth. I first watched both films on VHS in the 1990s – not on Mystery Science Theater 3000, as I imagine many of my contemporaries did – when my obsessive horror fandom led me to buy them sight unseen. I found both to be campy, yet still thrilling and fun. The original film wins out as I have always preferred Glenn Langan’s take on the tragic title character over that of Dean Parkin; while the sequel’s interpretation of the lead character features extensive cool-looking prosthetics, Parkin’s lack of dialogue makes the character here less human, and thus less relatable. Watch the trailer:
19) Name an obscure horror favorite that you wish more people knew about.
Jack Sholder’s 1982 slasher film Alone in the Dark, not to be confused with the indentically-titled 2005 Uwe Boll embarrassment. Overshadowed on its release by more prominent slasher films including genre giant Friday the 13th Part 3-D, the film concerns a quartet of mental patients who escape the psychiatric facility to which they’ve been remanded, and terrorize their new doctor who they believe murdered his predecessor. The film is an intriguing study of the fine line between sanity and insanity, and features strong performances by Jack Palance, Martin Landau, and Donald Pleasance. Watch the trailer:
Also, the 1981 film Dead & Buried, written by genre greats Dan O’Bannon and Ronald Shusett, tells a bizarre story of murder and resurrection. As the sheriff of a Rhode Island town investigating strange goings-on, James Farentino comes to learn that the people he thinks he knows best – including himself – may not be what they seem.
Watch the trailer:
20) The Human Centipede— yes or no?
Yes, I’ve seen it. At first, knowing what I did of the film’s premise, it struck me as something I had to see to believe. After seeing it, I was convinced that it was intended less as an over-the-top gross-out horror film and more a tongue-in-cheek comedy. I mean, the surgeon who constructs the title creature is played by an actor named Dieter Laser. You can’t make this shit up.
As God is my witness, the guy’s name is Dieter Laser.
21) And while we’re in the neighborhood, is there a horror film you can think of that you felt “went too far”?
There are certainly films that are difficult for me to watch. I found A Serbian Film to be deeply disturbing (despite the at-times bargain-basement special effects) and a film I doubt I’ll re-watch. Likewise the Japanese torture porn opus Gurotesuku (Grotesque), known for its ban in the U.K., is a mean-spirited collection of brutal special effects sequences, though its most egregious offense is the negligible excuse for a story that links said sequences. But to say that I feel any film goes too far is inaccurate. I don’t concern myself with violent action taken by a viewer supposedly because of a violent film, and as long as no one was actually harmed on-screen I don’t see a problem with extreme imagery. Wait. I take that back. Perhaps Cannibal Holocaust, which depicts the actual killing and mutilation of animals, went too far. But then again, I own a copy.
22) Name a film that is technically outside the horror genre that you might still feel comfortable describing as a horror film.
Darren Aronofsky’s Requiem For a Dream. The film deals with addiction, obsession and insanity, and features some of the most unsettling subject matter and downright horrific imagery I’ve ever seen in a non-horror film. The prospect of watching Jennifer Connelly – Cliff Secord’s Jenny! – go ass-to-ass with another comely heroin addict may sound alluring, but the film is grueling and leaves the viewer in need of detox afterwards.
I have no idea whether Jennifer Connelly did her own stunts.
Watch the trailer:
23) Lara Parker or Kathryn Leigh Scott?
Um…hello? Is this thing on?
24) If you’re a horror fan, at some point in your past your dad, grandmother, teacher or some other disgusted figure of authority probably wagged her/his finger at you and said, “Why do you insist on reading/watching all this morbid monster/horror junk?” How did you reply? And if that reply fell short somehow, how would you have liked to have replied?
I watched Fred Dekker’s 1987 horror comedy The Monster Squad the other night, and this question reminds me of the severe dressing-down given two of the main characters by their school principal. The only time I remember being lectured about my love of all things horrific, I just stood there and took it. Rather than providing an intelligent, perfectly-worded counterargument, I looked down at the floor in shame. Then, in the middle of the night I got a woodcutter’s axe from the toolshed in the backyard, draped myself in plastic bags, and chopped to pieces everyone in the house. (Ironic considering that the person who had earlier lectured me wasn’t someone who lived in my house.) Then I threw the bloody remnants into a conveniently-located acid vat. Actually, I don’t think I was ever chastised for my horror fandom. It was something that my parents saw as largely harmless; indeed, my mother had grown up watching Hammer’s 1950s and 1960s horror output. If anyone disapproved, whether grandparents, teachers or clergy, they kept it to themselves.
25) Name the critic or Web site you most enjoy reading on the subject of the horror genre.
I don’t actually read any of these. I’m familiar with websites like Bloody Disgusting, Dread Central, Shock Till You Drop, and the like. And I can think of no real reason why, but I’ve never actually gone to one of these sites to browse, only if I’ve followed a link from elsewhere. And while I’ve been known to peruse the odd horror-related publication in part for reviews, there is no critic whose work I can say I particularly enjoy or look forward to.
26) Most frightening image you’ve ever taken away from a horror movie.
The final shot of The Omen, wherein Damien turns to smile devilishly at the camera while attending the funeral of his parents. That the film ends with the Antichrist victorious, and the general public unaware of his existence, is suitably scary, as well as bleak, for the end of a horror film.
Additionally, Aunt Harriet, made up to look like the deceased brother Tony in Paranoiac is something that still disturbs me. I’d seen a still in a book when I was younger, it made me want to see the movie immediately.
27) Your favorite memory associated with watching a horror movie.
There’s no way I can pick just one. My childhood alone is packed with such memories: Seeing Frankenstein during an elementary school Halloween party. Gathering with friends at somebody’s house to watch American Werewolf in London and hearing a chorus of “Rewind it!” during Jenny Agutter’s shower scene. Being afraid to look out my bedroom window during a late-night viewing of Night of the Living Dead.
28) What would you say is the most important/significant horror movie of the past 20 years (1992-2012)? Why?
Without a doubt, the answer is Scream. Prior to its release, the horror genre was dying, or at the very least in decline, with big budget costume dramas like Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein seemingly the order of the day, while ’80s horror franchises continued to breed uninspired sequels. As far as influence over the future of the genre, I don’t believe anything else comes close. While I am hesitant to say whether this is a negative or a positive, horror as a whole would be nothing like it is today had Scream never been produced. Much like Halloween eighteen years earlier, Scream gave rise to a legion of lesser films, notably I Know What You Did Last Summer, and the prominence of so-called torture porn in the last decade seems to be an answer to the wave of lightweight PG-13 horror films released in its wake. Additionally, though Scream wasn’t the first self-aware horror film, it was more successful at exploiting this hook than, for example, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare. After growing up in the Reagan ’80s and being told that modern horror was the lowest common denominator, lower even than porn, I can admit that I initially resented the fact the same critics who’d savaged the films I enjoyed growing up now loved Scream because it was tongue-in-cheek. Watch the trailer:
29) Favorite Dr. Phibes curse (from either film).
I’m going to go with the locusts that devour – quite literally picking her flesh from the bones of – Susan Travers’ character.
30) You are programming an all-night Halloween horror-thon for your favorite old movie palace. What five movies make up your schedule?
A middle-of-summer horror-thon would feature five camping-themed films: Friday the 13th (1980), The Burning (1981), Madman (1982), Sleepaway Camp (1983) and The Blair Witch Project (1999). A horror-thon made up of Amicus’ 1970s horror anthologies – The House That Dripped Blood (1970), Tales From the Crypt (1972), Asylum (1973), Vault of Horror (1973), and From Beyond the Grave (1973) – would also be fun as I enjoy all of these films. I would also enjoy programming a “Awful or Out-of-Continuity Installments of Popular Horror Franchises”-themed horror-thon. It would include any five of the following films: Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982), A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985), Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994), Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Halloween Resurrection (2002), and any installment in the Child’s Play or Leprechaun series.
She was pale, gaunt, clad in a dusty burial shroud. The men watched in wide-eyed fascination as she rose from the tenebrous depths of an open grave and approached the crypt. She focused on none of them, but rather stared blankly, staggering ever closer. As she entered the crypt she doffed the shroud. The tattered corset she wore revealed breasts unsuited to a freshly-risen corpse, and the shiny black bat wings extending from her arms were clearly store-bought. The stiletto heels that she wore may have helped her stagger so convincingly.
Music began to play, and she started her dance. Such theatrics! she thought. That’s what I get for working a bachelor party on Halloween. (115)
-Jack
I’m a horror fan, and have been all my life. In fact, I’ve spent the last couple days working on Dr. Anton Phibes’ Abominably Erudite, Musically Malignant, Cursedly Clever Halloween Horror Movie Quiz, and plan to post my answers here on Saturday. This week’s Flash Fiction Friday, which required a maximum word count of 120, and use of the word “tenebrous”, was right up my alley. However, that’s not to say that the prompt didn’t provide a few challenges. Though I had the vampire stripper idea in mind pretty much as soon as I saw the prompt picture , and though this week’s word limit was the highest since October 7, my first draft was much longer than I’d hoped it would be. Given the various details in the prompt picture that begged mention, from the physical qualities and attire of our vampiress (her bare breasts, wings, pale complexion, stockings and heels) to the scenery (the desolate-looking cemetery backdrop and the marble column against which she leans), I knew there wouldn’t be sufficient space to do everything justice and include anything but the most rudimentary story.
In the end, I was able to shave off a few excess descriptive words and in doing so I allowed myself enough room to deliver the twist ending, revealing that our beautiful revenant is actually an exotic dancer working a horror-themed bachelor party. Originally, rather than stating that she was performing on Halloween night, I considered that the bachelor was, much like myself, a fan of horror movies, but that proved too hard to convey given the word limit. “That’s what I get for working a bachelor party on Halloween” fit perfectly, so I went with that instead.
As always, I am unable to post the prompt picture in high-resolution without truncating it. If you’d like to see it in higher quality, take part in the fun, or see who else participated this week, check out Erotic Flash Fiction Friday.
I felt like showing off, so I took a few shots of myself with my phone. I haven’t taken many HNT pictures of myself with my phone in a mirror, but I really like the way these turned out, and more importantly, so did Jack when I sent them to him. I hope you like them as well.
Because Halloween is less than a week away, we wanted to include something scary for your viewing pleasure. Unfortunately, Jack and I rarely dress up for Halloween. We aren’t particularly interested in store-bought costumes, and it’s hard to make time to design and assemble better ones. I do wear a costume to my class Halloween party, but as it’s something I wear around children, it’s probably not suitable for an adults-only blog. So we thought we would share this picture of me in the costume I wore for Halloween 2004. I’m sorry for having to blur my face, but my early childhood education colleagues and higher-ups probably wouldn’t be cool with the idea of me blogging about my sexual escapades.
Be sure to visit Osbasso and see who else HNTed this week. Then stop by OHNT and see what else we’re showing off!
As the parents of a baby, Jack and I feel that we are under a lot of pressure to raise our daughter in a responsible manner. We have seen children in our own families reared by parents who are lazy, irresponsible, or otherwise unsuited to the job. Unwilling to see our daughter grow up to be an overindulged, entitled brat used to having everything handed to her and unwilling to challenge herself, we took lessons from these parents, and forced ourselves not to make the same mistakes they did.
As a result of this, one of the things we have tried to limit is our daughter’s television-watching time. We feel that if she is constantly placed in front of the TV, she will be unable to sit still and amuse herself without it. Rather than being able to entertain herself quietly on a long car ride, she will insist upon watching cartoons or other children’s programming. While having TVs and DVD players in one’s car is certainly very common today, it’s not something we want to expose our child to, at least not before she’s two years old. While we have no problem with it in theory, both Jack and I survived our childhoods just fine without needing to watch television during a car ride. Long drives would usually find us reading books in the back seats of our parents’ cars, and we would like our daughter to be the same way, as with any luck this will nurture in her a love of reading, which she is already beginning to demonstrate through a rudimentary interest in books.
Yes, we let her watch television sometimes. She likes the typical Nickelodeon or Disney Channel cartoons that a not-quite-toddler might watch. She dances when she hears their theme songs, and points to the screen and says the characters’ names. Sometimes when we are doing other things, she asks to watch television. Depending on a number of factors we might let her, or we might read her a story or play outside with her instead. Our aim is not to teach her that television is bad (we certainly have no aversion to watching it) but to give her a well-rounded upbringing that involves a variety of experiences. And it seems to be working. Not only is she interested in books, but she regularly asks us to read stories to her. She loves it when we take her on walks or to visit one of the parks in our town, and she is also content to play quietly with her toys.
The purpose of this entry is not self-promotion. We try not to judge other parents unless their failure is so obvious and massive that we can’t avoid it. As parents, neither Jack nor I feel that we have all the answers. But I’m a teacher, and I don’t work during summer. This year, while I was off for two and a half months, Jack and I got accustomed to sex on a daily basis. In fact, some days we had sex twice: Once when the baby took her afternoon nap, and again when she fell asleep for the night. We’ve had plenty of sex since the new school year began, but with the exception of weekends, it’s all been first thing in the morning, or at night just before bed. I like having sex right in the middle of the day. There’s something exciting about stopping what we’re doing, throwing off all of our clothes (or leaving some on), and giving into that persistent need for immediate sexual release.
Jack spent much of the day yesterday sending me very erotic text messages and e-mails. This was incredibly hot but also very frustrating as I was unable to respond. Because of this, I spent my day pretty worked up. As I prepared to leave for the day, I sent Jack a text message to see whether the baby was napping. I was nervous as I waited for his reply, because I work about forty minutes from home, and given her normal sleep schedule she is usually awake by the time I leave, or at the very latest by the time I get home. To my relief, he said she was, and I crossed my fingers that she would remain asleep until an hour after I arrived. Actually, I probably could have gotten off in five minutes. I was that turned on.
When I exited the freeway near our house, I found myself at a stoplight where I sent Jack another text. He said that she was still asleep, and I exhaled. At this point she’d been asleep for almost three hours. She almost never sleeps so long, and while my optimistic side hoped that she was simply catching up on sleep after a somewhat restless night, my pessimistic side said to be prepared to hear the sounds of a playful, happy and very much awake baby when I walked in the door. As I drove the last couple blocks to our house, I prepared myself for this inevitability, and looked on the bright side: While I’d been distracted for much of the day by thoughts of Jack’s cock, I missed my daughter as well, and I was glad to have the opportunity to spend time with her.
When I walked through the front door I was met with silence. No crying – or laughing – baby. No music. No sounds of activity. No television playing a movie Jack had decided to watch while the baby slept. I couldn’t believe our luck! She’d slept for more than three hours at this point. I set down my purse and my keys on the couch, and excitedly headed down the hall to join my husband, who I could see sitting on our bed, waiting for me. He was naked. As I neared our bedroom I stripped down to nothing as well. I imagined what he’d do to me, what we’d do to each other, and I found my wetness hard to contain. I needed an orgasm, and I needed it soon. It wouldn’t take me long. Then the baby woke up just as I passed her bedroom.
Fuck it, I thought as I detoured to her crib and lifted her into my arms. She was glad to see me, and I held her, kissed her, and talked to her for a few minutes. Then I carried her into the TV room, sat her down, and turned on the television. One of the cartoons she likes was on. I left lots of books and toys within reach in case she got bored with the show. I don’t think we were being irresponsible. We weren’t parking her in front of the television so that we could get drunk or engage in dangerous behavior. We just wanted sex. Especially me. I stayed with her in the TV room to make sure she was fine being on her own, and then I joined Jack in the bedroom and shut the door.
A fun random image to go along with some fun random questions
Jack’s Answers
1. Name 5 things you did more of before social networking (facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.)?
Note: These are things I did more of before I began taking part in social networking, not necessarily things I did before social networking actually existed.
1. Called people on the phone
2. Sent e-mails
3. Wondered how some nearly-forgotten acquaintance from junior high school is enjoying life.
4. Slept
5. Mocked smartphone owners for being unable to go five minutes without updating their Facebook status
2. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?
My daughter. (Presumably my wife is aware of the fire given the fact that it’s very difficult to sleep through my patented undignified “the-house-is-on-fire” screams of terror.) I would probably also grab oour wedding album, since I made the damn thing and it was a hell of a lot of work.
3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
a. What time did you go to bed last night?
b. What time did you wake up today?
I’m a night owl by nature, and I always have been. However, the fact that I have a daughter who is somehow both a night owl and an early riser means that I’ve had to adjust in the last year and a half. My mother says that this is simply history repeating itself, and having not been fond of sleep as a young child I am now blessed with a baby who feels the same way. I can’t tell you how many mornings I’ve had where, after negligible sleep at best, I’ve begged any theoretical deity out there to let her sleep just one more hour so I could also get some precious rest only to hear her calling me from her crib or worse, crying. It is for this reason that I look forward to, and will take unnatural delight in, waking her up for school when she gets older.
a. I went to bed last night at around 12:30 or 12:45.
b. I woke this morning around seven.
4. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?
Probably swear, likely at the kid, right to his or her face. (“You little motherfucker!” comes immediately to mind.) It’s instinct, really. I don’t know that I would swear out of anger but more out of a reaction to the shock and pain of having said child suddenly kick me. I’ve never been the sort to harm or even touch an unruly child, though I think I would be tempted. I realize that you don’t use physical violence in order to teach a child not to be physically violent; rather, I might harrangue the child verbally, especially if the child was older than, say, four and thus should most certainly know better. Additionally if there is a parent nearby, I think I would politely ask him or her to teach the child some manners.
5. What three things do you never leave the house without?
Pants, my left shoe, and my right one. This is the least amount of clothing I am generally wearing when I walk through my front door whether or not I am going for a run, taking out the garbage, getting the mail, or actually getting in a car and going someplace. I generally wear a shirt as well, though the question asked for three things, not four. If clothing does not count and I must come up with three other things, i.e. three accessories or personal effects, I will go with my phone, as I burst into flames if I am not reachable at all times; my wallet as I like being able to pay for things and drive a car, and that is where I usually keep any cash or cards, as well as my driver’s license; and my keys, which are necessary for locking my front door when I leave, and unlocking it when I return. In addition, I frequently carry my mp3 player, and a pair of ear buds if I’m out for a walk or run; spare batteries for my phone, as my phone uses power far too quickly and without them I am sure to burst into flames; a Canon PowerShot point-and-shoot camera for those occasions when I plan to take lots of pictures but don’t want to kill my phone batteries; and a pair of sunglasses, if necessary.
Bonus: Name a place that you visited last week that you’ve never visited before. Briefly tell us about the visit.
On Saturday we took the baby to a pumpkin farm on the coast, where she ran around like a madwoman, grateful to be out of the car after more than an hour’s drive. She attempted to pick up every single pumpkin she could find, and eventually picked out a small sugar pie pumpkin which, yes, Jill will make into a pie. I’m reasonably certain that I’ve never been to this pumpkin patch before, although as I understand it local elementary schools sometimes take October field trips there, and have for decades, which conceivably could mean that I went there when I was a kid. However, I am going to assume that I have in fact never been there, unless a photo surfaces of me standing by the sign at the main entrance.
Jill’s Answers
1. Name 5 things you did more of before social networking (facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.)?
1. Wrote letters
2. Made phone calls
3. Visited people
4. Read books
5. Listened to music
2. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?
Besides the baby? Our pictures and other things that can’t be replaced.
3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
a. What time did you go to bed last night?
b. What time did you wake up today?
I’m more of a morning person than a night owl. Because of my schedule, which includes frequent workouts and a forty-five minute commute to and from work (not to mention work itself), by nighttime I have absolutely no energy to spare, and I frequently fall asleep while putting the baby to bed. It’s a miracle that we manage to have as much sex as we do.
a. I went to bed around eleven PM.
b. I woke up this morning around 6:45 AM. I slept way too late, and left the house like – well, like it was on fire.
4. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?
I’d probably ask what the hell he or she thinks he’s doing. Then I’d look for a parent and bring the matter to the parent’s attention. Actually, something like this happened to me once, about eleven years ago. I was teaching a kindergarten class, and one of my students was misbehaving. When I tried to discipline him, he tried to run from the classroom. When I stopped him, he kicked me in the shin, leaving a permanent mark, and tried to run again. When I caught him, I took him to the principal’s office. The principal, having had numerous problems not only with this student but with his elder siblings, decided to call the police in order to get the parents to discipline their shitty kids. A violent crime report was filed, and I still have a copy of it someplace.
5. What three things do you never leave the house without?
My keys, and my purse and my phone. Initially I said “shoes” in place of “phone”, and Jack pointed out that this implies that I sometimes leave the house without pants or a top. I rarely do that anymore.
Bonus: Name a place that you visited last week that you’ve never visited before. Briefly tell us about the visit.
We went to the home of a female friend’s new boyfriend on Saturday night and hung out with them. We’d planned to pick up dinner for them but they’d already eaten, so Jack and I picked up food on the way and when we got there we hung out in the hot tub, drank wine, and had a great time.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Today we ripped off a blogger named Jenni from the blog Juniper’s Jungle. It’s long, so we will do it in parts. She states that she found this meme Budgies blog. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
Jack’s Answers
41. What is a quote that you love? “The worst stab wound is the one to the heart. Sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same. There’s always a scar. Which is meant, I guess, to remind you that – even for a little while – someone made your heart beat faster. And that’s a scar you can live with. Proudly. All the days of your life.” – Augustus Hill (Harold Perrineau), Oz
42. Do you think of pure hate as something humanity created? Having admittedly little understanding of hatred and why it exists, I will guess that pure hate is in fact the creation of humankind. I believe that hate is borne of ignorance and fear, and it is quite possibly instinct or human nature to be afraid of something different, be it a person whose skin color is lighter or darker than one’s own, or a person who doesn’t believe in the same god(s) we do. I can’t say for certain whether an animal such as a dog or a cat holds the capacity for hatred, but I’m guessing that they do not. I doubt that an emotion such as raw, unmitigated hatred, would even make sense to a dog. And cats always seem so damned passive and uninterested in everything.
43. When was the last time you wanted to scream? Probably when my daughter was misbehaving, acting hyper, or talking far too loud for Daddy to tolerate. Rather than screaming, though, I took a deep breath and considered that she was misbehaving because she is a normal child who likes to test her limits. She was hyper because she was fighting sleep, just as I did at her age. She was loud because she is discovering her voice and learning new words daily.
44. Do you ever at times see the world in black and white? Not typically. I am not good at examining abstract topics – I took a single philosophy class in junior college, underperformed and abandoned the field of study altogether – but I also tend not to take a hard-line stance on most situations. I tend to deeply analyze any given issue – some might say overanalyze – and attempt to view things from a multitude of perspectives. Therefore, it’s hard for me to simply adopt a “black or white” position on most issues and leave it at that.
45. Have you ever thought that cell phones are too obtrusive? No. This may be surprising, given how much of an old curmudgeon I must sometimes come off as, but I don’t have much ill to speak of cell phones in general. Sure, some people use them in bad ways; we’ve all been at a restaurant or in line somewhere and had to put up with some vainglorious piece of eye candy talking on her cell phone as though she was trying to be heard over an outboard motor. We’ve all had to deal with the inconsiderate asshole at the movies who answers his phone and begins a conversation while the rest of us are trying to focus on whodunit. But these complaints aren’t against cell phones but rather the people who use them. Generally speaking I appreciate my cell phone as it allows me to stay connected to friends and family, something I greatly value, and any concerns that they may be too obtrusive are essentially a price I am willing to pay for their existence.
46. In your life, where do you thank the rainbow will end? In a bag of Skittles.
47. What is something that you never want to do again? Work for someone who is not myself. Be in trouble with the law. Experience extraterrestrial abduction and rectal probing.
48.When was the first time you realized the world was small? The first time? Probably sometime in the mid-1990s when I began regularly using the internet. Today I feel that people, myself included, take for granted their ability to instantly send an email, or chat in real time – video chat, for that matter – with somebody on the opposite side of the world. But I vividly remember a time when such conveniences were not only nonexistent for the average person but probably not something most of us could even conceive. In the 1980s Skype was essentially Jetsons technology which, along with the flying car, we thought was the stuff of sci-fi legend. More recently, however, our many interactions with all of you – the bloggers who visit our blog, and whose blogs we visit – have shown us just how small the world is. We interact with people from various parts of the world as easily as if we were in the same room. We have enjoyed getting to know all of you. Hey, where’s my flying car?
49. How you spend your time contemplating life’s mysteries? Stoned. Okay, that was a joke. I don’t. Seriously, I don’t spend much time at all contemplating life’s mysteries. Oh, in the past I’ve found myself wondering what happens to all the socks that go missing in the laundry, and I’ve even wondered about the origins and purpose of Stonehenge. But to say that I’ve contemplated these things is a fallacy.
50. Ever discuss your political beliefs with people? Sometimes. I tend not to discuss my political beliefs with strangers, or with people who I know have opposing opinions. I believe that most people are not sufficiently open-minded to engage in civil or intelligent discourse and it is for this reason, and not due to a lack of communication skills or confidence on my part that I don’t feel that I can persuade the average person to see a different side of any given issue. (Despite what my family and friends say, I do not get off on arguing with random people.) I enjoy talking politics with like-minded individuals not because I crave validation, but because it does me good to know that there are rational people in the world.
51. Do you care about the environment? Of course I do. It’s where I live.
52. What’s your motto for life? “Ex pertinacia victoria”, which is Latin for “From determination, victory”. Actually, this is not my motto; I don’t really have one. In trying to come up with a good answer to this question, I discovered the Latin Motto Generator, and in playing around with it, generated this genuine-sounding Latin motto! It’s actually a pretty good expression of my personal philosophy. It may not have been my motto yesterday, but I think it will be my motto tomorrow.
53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world? Here goes my tendency to avoid viewing an issue in black and white: This is a difficult question to concisely answer. I appreciate progress; I believe that progressing as a society is essential. If we did not progress, we might still be living in caves, sacrificing other humans to the sun. On the other hand, yes, I feel that unchecked progress is decimating the world’s beauty. Much of our rainforests and entire species have fallen in the name of progress. Sometimes I feel that, rather than “progress”, we should use the word “regress” to describe the sort of progress that actually makes the world less beautiful.
54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe? I don’t know, but I sure hope not. Can you imagine if they’re anything like humans? “First contact” will involve them massacring us en masse, then razing our cities in order to mine our natural resources. Any survivors would be placed in intergalactic zoos and circuses.
55. Would you like to rule a country? Hell no. Look, I understand the allure of power. Small men wish to be thrust into a throne in order to compensate for their size. I do not desire, nor do I need, that kind of power. While I am confident that such power wouldn’t corrupt me, and I suppose that I could use it for good, i.e. to actually better the lives of my subjects, do I really want that responsibility? No, I would rather not be saddled with such a burden. Add to that the fact that, in this day and age, it seems that most people live to complain about the status quo, which refers directly to me and my rule. I’m guessing some disgruntled prick would assassinate me. Yeah, no thanks.
56. Do you believe everything has a purpose? No. I’d love to be able to subscribe to the notion that there is some sort of master plan and that everything in the world is connected. But that’s just not me. With the amount of misery and tragedy we see and hear of on a daily basis, I can’t accept the notion that every occurrence happens for a reason. I can’t accept that there is a purpose when someone sexually assaults and murders, say, a four-year-old girl. I suppose it’s conceivable that the victim might have grown up to be a genocidal maniac, à la Hitler or Milošević, but we still put the killer in prison.
57. Is war ever for the best? Certainly wars can be fought for valid, noble reasons. When a downtrodden people have been oppressed, taking up arms and fighting their oppressors is a much better option than lying down in surrender. In this example fighting may be the only way to change the situation. I do believe that there have been situations where war is for the best, although the cynic in me feels that we have seen nothing but shitty reasons for war of late. And remember the following, immortal words of Bart Simpson: “There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy.”
58. Could you kill anyone in defense of self or loved ones? I hope so. As I stated in the first installment of this meme two weeks ago, I’d like to think that I would take whatever action was necessary to protect myself or my loved ones. But that most certainly doesn’t mean I would do it with any joy or enthusiasm; while I might want to kill the other person more than I want to die, I wouldn’t like the fact that they put me in this position.
59. How do you react to people (Such as Governor Rick Perry) who don’t believe global warming is really our fault? Rick Perry’s an idiot.
60. Does love conquer all? Though I am not the sort of steroid-amped aggro douchebag who looks for a confrontation everywhere he goes, I don’t believe in turning the other cheek. I feel that adopting a passive stance against the slings and arrows of one’s enemies only allows them to trample you.
61. Is euthanasia morally acceptable? Yes. Provided that it is carried out with the informed consent of the patient, euthenasia is morally acceptable. I hope never to find myself suffering from a terminal illness or otherwise so devoid of quality of life that I no longer want to continue living. However, if I ever am in this position, I would like to be able to die with dignity should I so choose.
62. Is world peace impossible? Impossible? Not necessarily. Likely? Nope.
63. Is pride a good or a bad thing? Despite its designation as one of the Cardinal Sins, at its simplest level pride is a very good thing. Pride makes us throw trash in a proper receptacle, and not on the ground. Pride makes us live in clean houses. It makes us brush our teeth, comb our hair, and wear clean clothing. All of these actions have been shown to improve the lives of those who participate in them. However, pride makes us try out for American Idol when we clearly can’t sing and aren’t even interesting enough to be regarded by viewers as “that really weird contestant.” Pride makes us wear a speedo on the beach when we should be wearing a muumuu. Pride makes us post pictures of ourselves on Facebook making that weird duck face that’s totally not hot. Pride really sucks.
64.What do you think is the purpose of your life? To make sarcastic comments and post pictures of my wife on our sex blog.
65. Do you believe in karma? No. I wish I did; I don’t really believe in religion and since Hell is thus out of the question it would be nice if I could at least believe that the jerkoff who cut in front of me in line in the grocery store would at least receive some sort of cosmic ass-kicking when the bagger put his watermelon on top of his bag of tortilla chips. No, in my experience the folks arguably most in need for karmic punishment are the ones least likely to get it.
Jill’s Answers
41. What is a quote that you love? “Are you ready to get fucked?” – Jack
42. Do you think of pure hate as something humanity created? Yes. I once saw two animals fight in a manner so barbaric that I found myself frightened despite the fact that I was watching the fight on television. When one of the animals was dead, the other did not in any way desecrate the body, or terrorize the animal’s mate or young.
43. When was the last time you wanted to scream? When I read this list of questions. Admit it, you did too.
44. Do you ever at times see the world in black and white? No. There are usually two sides to a story, and I am proud of my ability to see the story rationally, understand both sides, and come to a conclusion.
45. Have you ever thought that cell phones are too obtrusive? Not necessarily cell phones themselves, but the obnoxious people who use them inappropriately. I do feel there are certain places where cell phone use should not be tolerated or permitted, such as movie theaters, libraries, and above all, school classrooms. As a kindergarten teacher, yes, I have had to deal with this.
46. In your life, where do you thank the rainbow will end? I have no idea what this question means. On my daughter’s face?
47. What is something that you never want to do again? I was once abandoned in a foreign country by the friends I had come with. While I’ve found myself traveling abroad with people who I could no longer stand, and very much wished that I could ditch, I never actually did it, and besides, I am way too wonderful to deserve such treatment. So I hope that this never happens again. Something else I hope I never have to do again? Answer a list of deep, philosophical Sunday Stealing questions such as these.
48.When was the first time you realized the world was small? When I was orbiting it in the space shuttle. It looked like a little blue marble.
49. How you spend your time contemplating life’s mysteries? If I’m thinking about something deep and mysterious, it means I’m driving, and I’ve finished my audio book or otherwise have nothing to entertain me.
50. Ever discuss your political beliefs with people? No, I don’t. I don’t think the average person wants to debate politics with me. I’m not interested in arguing, and I think that most political discussions lead invariably to argument.
51. Do you care about the environment? Yes. I hope that my grandchildren can live on this planet without having to wear hazmat suits when they go outside to play. I want to do my part to ensure that their childhoods are not drastically different than mine and Jack’s.
52. What’s your motto for life? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, treat people the way I want to be treated, or some other variation of the Golden Rule.
53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world? Probably.
54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe? Not really. Maybe there is unintelligent life. It’s an unimaginably large universe and I guess it’s a little arrogant to think that ours is the only planet with life. But I don’t know if I believe that there is an intelligent alien species somewhere, as I imagine they would be known to us by now. I know all of the theories about alien visitors who are supposed to have come to our planet, but I’ve seen enough science fiction movies to know that it wouldn’t be one little gray spaceman in a flying saucer. They would send a fleet.
52. What’s your motto for life? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, treat people the way I want to be treated, or some other variation of the Golden Rule.
53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world? Probably.
54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe? Not really. Maybe there is unintelligent life. It’s an unimaginably large universe and I guess it’s a little arrogant to think that ours is the only planet with life. But I don’t know if I believe that there is an intelligent alien species somewhere, as I imagine they would be known to us by now. I know all of the theories about alien visitors who are supposed to have come to our planet, but I’ve seen enough science fiction movies to know that it wouldn’t be one little gray spaceman in a flying saucer. They would send a fleet.
55. Would you like to rule a country? No. I really don’t want the responsibility of ruling a country. As nice as it would be to have subjects who would do anything I ask, I do not want to be in charge of making decisions for other people’s lives.
56. Do you believe everything has a purpose? Yes. I think that everything has a purpose. I can’t say the same for everyone, though. What the fuck is Paris Hilton’s purpose on this planet?
57. Is war ever for the best? I don’t believe in war. I feel that everyone should get along. However, since this is simply not reality, I understand that war is sadly necessary, especially when people are being denied their basic human rights. In this kind of situation, when basic freedom is at stake, I do feel that war is for the best.
58. Could you kill anyone in defense of self or loved ones? Yes. I would fight back without hesitation, and kill if it was the only way to prevent the harm or death of myself or my loved ones. I am not a violent person. Most of the time I believe people are inherently good and I give them the benefit of the doubt. But if you are threatening my daughter, for example, I will do whatever is necessary to remove that threat.
59. How do you react to people (Such as Governor Rick Perry) who don’t believe global warming is really our fault? I hate to generalize, but because he’s a Republican I ignore him.
60. Does love conquer all? I wish I could believe so. It makes a nice slogan and gives us all hope that there can be an end to hatred and war. I appreciate love for the way it makes life better. But I don’t feel that it conquers all.
61. Is euthanasia morally acceptable? When your quality of life has fallen to the point that you can no longer perform basic bodily functions without assistance, you should have the right to end your life on your own terms.
62. Is world peace impossible? Yes. I don’t believe that peace is compatible with human nature. Unfortunately, there are too many in the world who oppose the idea of peace, and unless there is some sort of drastic evolutionary change, world peace will probably never be achieved.
63. Is pride a good or a bad thing? Pride is a good thing. Why would you wake up in the morning if you had nothing to be proud of? Why would you want to go on living? I can’t understand people who don’t take pride in themselves, their appearance, and their work.
64.What do you think is the purpose of your life? I think my purpose is to bring happiness to my daughter and my husband, as well as myself, and to educate young people, something I have been doing for more than fifteen years. I also think my purpose includes having the best sex possible.
65. Do you believe in karma? Yes. Ultimately, I believe – or at least hope – that you reap what you sow in life. If you are a complete asshole, something is going to bite you in the ass.
Professionals attack the BBC for putting teachers at risk after its decision to broadcast a clip during Sunday Morning Live that compared sex education teachers to paedophiles
“I think parents have the absolute right to protect their children from this sort of education which is so unhelpfully obsessed with destroying childhood innocence, in a way that’s reminiscent of paedophilia. To me, anyone who wants to talk dirty to little children is a danger to them.”
These words, from the lips of “family values” campaigner Lynette Burrows, were broadcast last weekend as part of a pre-recorded video package on the BBC‘s Sunday Morning Live show to kick off a “debate” about sex education.
The comments were left unchallenged, and the show continued with a studio discussion in which Burrows was joined by a historian and a neoconservative lobbyist, rather than, say, a sex education professional or similar expert. The lack of a qualified speaker in the studio removed the possibility of any informed discussion, and things veered downhill from there.
Other guests were piped in by phone or webcam. The only person with professional experience relevant to the debate, sex education teacher Alice Hoyle, was given seconds to “justify why I am not a paedophile on national TV” before being cut off in favour of a Rabbi (decent, to be fair), and a spokesman from the Campaign for Real Education who ranted unpleasantly about homosexuality in schools. It wasn’t a debate so much as a festival of ignorance.
Burrows’ comments were idiotic, but so was the decision to broadcast them unchallenged, and the BBC have some serious questions to answer about their editorial judgement. One viewer complained to Auntie, and their response to her was as depressing as it was tediously predictable:
“We make no editorial comment or judgement on the views expressed by contributors to our programmes, and our aim is simply to provide enough information for viewers to make up their own minds.
“This may include hearing opinions which some people may personally disagree with but which individuals may be fully entitled to hold in the context of legitimate debate.”
Firstly, if you give more exposure or weight to one side of the discussion, or you fail to include experts in the debate, then you are making an editorial judgement whether you mean to or not. You can’t choose which views to provide a platform for – doubtless there are many the BBC wouldn’t air – and then pretend that this somehow doesn’t involve making a judgement about their legitimacy. Especially when you go on to describe them as “legitimate”.
Secondly, not all opinions are equal, or legitimate. The BBC’s position here is a kind of anti-journalism, what Jay Rosen termed “the view from nowhere”. As Rosen once explained, “it places the journalist between polarized extremes, and calls that neither-nor position ‘impartial’.”
Of course it isn’t impartial, merely cowardly. Repeating every conceivable opinion without challenge is not being objective, neither is setting up a debate with the premise that both points of view are equally valid – that road leads us to creationists on David Attenborough specials.
Thirdly, the segment failed to enlighten or inform at even the most basic level. No experts were included in the studio discussion to explain their field, no substantial discussion of the evidence occurred, and the segment didn’t even attempt to explain what sex education is, or what it involves.
Meanwhile Burrows was free to claim variously that teen pregnancies are rising, that teachers “want to talk dirty to little children”, and that “it is now generally accepted that [sex education] hasn’t worked.” These aren’t matters of opinion but claims of fact, and for the presenter to leave them unchallenged is an abdication of professional responsibility.
The BBC’s viewers may have been seriously misled by their shambolic approach to the topic, and thousands of dedicated professionals have not only had their work grossly misrepresented, but have been subjected to vile and unfounded smears that may even put them at risk. As lecturer and researcher Dr Petra Boynton put it to me today:
“Their play at impartial broadcasting actually allows them to let a guest be accused of something that’s not only false, but is objectionable and could potentially have a far-reaching impact on their career, family life and personal safety.”
Dr John Lloyd, policy adviser of the PSHE Association, which represents those teaching personal, social, health and economic education, echoed Boynton’s concerns, telling me:
“The PSHE Assocation, the subject association for personal, social, health and economic education (of which sex and relationships education is a key component) says that it is very concerned that such extreme language puts those teaching SRE at risk.”
The Family Planning Association have also condemned the show in a statement released online today which condemns Lynette Burrows’s views as “a gross distortion of what relationships and sex education is”, asking broadcasters to “stop giving air time to the minority who deliberately seek to distort what sex and relationships education is.”
The failure of programmes like Sunday Morning Live to deal with these issues responsibly leaves professionals wondering why they should bother to engage with the media on these topics at all. Alice Hoyle, the teacher who was briefly allowed to respond via webcam, has been left shocked by the experience, and discusses it at length in a series of blog posts. “Equating me to a paedophile is actually the most foul, upsetting and disgusting thing that has ever been said to me.”
Why go back? As Dr Boynton told me:
“We’re constantly being told as practitioners and academics that we must ‘engage’ with the public via the media, but there is little or no support for us when we bravely do this (knowing how controversial sex/relationships issues are) and face abuse and ridicule. The constant focus on discussions as ‘false debates’ as well as the media’s lack of understanding of basic sex ed issues means we’re having our time wasted at best, but being personally and professionally abused at worst.”
It’s a situation that helps nobody, least of all those the BBC is supposed to serve and inform.
The issue here seems to be free speech versus journalistic responsibility. We’re all for personal freedoms – anyone who’s read much of this blog should have already figured that out – and we would certainly defend the right of the press to print or broadcast something controversial. At this point, though, isn’t it just a “coulda versus shoulda” argument? In other words, just because you can, does that mean you should? I live in the United States, the home of Fox News, so I am not unfamiliar with the concept of one-sided media coverage. In our opinion, narrow-minded people who wear their willful ignorance as a badge of honor are the real problem, but even in present-day, with seemingly everyone beholden to special interests, a responsible media outlet owes it to all parties, especially its audience, to cover all sides of a story rather than furthering a preconceived agenda.
The Christian Right has much to say about homosexuality. Fred Phelpsl [sic] says God hates them and stages protests at the funerals of American soldiers to bring attention to his hatred. An anti-gay Christian Right wing activist recently said there wasn’t any proof that LBGT people exist. And most recently, a conservative crowd booed a gay soldier during a GOP Debate. Now a “pastor” on the Christian Right is saying that masturbation is a form of homosexuality.
“Pastor” Mark Driscoll says that men need to stop masturbating because it’s a kind of homosexuality. In a booklet titled Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation for God’s Men, Driscoll of the Seattle-based Mars Hill Church says, “First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexual activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.”
In sermons offered at this website, Driscoll also says that Christians should judge gay people like Jesus. “If you leave this church, you can go to another church and they will tell you if you are living together and not married, that’s okay. They’ll tell you if you’re gay, that’s okay. They’ll tell you if you’re married and you’re into porno and wife-swapping and open marriages, that’s okay. God is displeased with that conduct. …. Christians therefore must be judgmental like Jesus.”
Driscoll is a poor excuse of a pastor. This supposed “man of God” should know that Jesus was not judgmental, and he certainly frowned upon Christians judging others. “Judge not lest ye be judged,” Jesus said to a group of men who were judging an adulterer. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” The Bible says that the only sexuality we should be concerned with is our own. I’m certain this “pastor” sins on a daily basis and has probably masturbated a couple times in his life. Interestingly enough, he isn’t saying anything about female masturbation. He’s probably okay with that.
Well, duh. Female masturbation is fucking hot.
For the record, there is no connection between masturbation and homosexuality. Sure, gays masturbate, but so do straight people and we can say this with 100% confidence because we’re straight people and we masturbate. In fact, we are thinking of masturbating as soon as we post this. Mark Driscoll would probably claim that the fact that we masturbate means we are gay. Hey, that’s great, Mark. But admit it, you’ve masturbated like one of those red-assed monkeys at the zoo being paid by the fluid ounce. Maybe you don’t anymore; maybe the shame and the self-hatred you feel for having masturbated at one point in your life forced you to kick the habit. If that’s the case, then we feel sorry for you, because masturbation is awesome. It’s the one kind of sex that the most repulsive members of society can be assured of experiencing, and you should know. But if it makes you feel better to say that we’re all gay, then that’s fabulous.
As stated in our blog entry posted Wednesday, today is International Fisting Day. For those of you unfamiliar with the practice, Wikipedia defines fisting as “a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum.” It sounds pretty straightforward, but there is nothing simple about fisting. It is potentially one of the most enjoyable experiences in the entire sexual spectrum, combining a deep, frequently emotional, connection between the fister and the fistee with an often face-to-face intimacy and an intensity that we have found to be all but unmatched elsewhere in our sexual repertoire.
Fisting is also one of the most misunderstood sex acts; witness, in Kevin Smith’s 1997 film Chasing Amy, Ben Affleck’s wide-eyed overacting – sorry, incredulity – when told by Joey Lauren Adams’ character that she enjoys it on occasion. I suppose that the fact that the film was released and is set almost fifteen years ago is partially to blame for the urban legend-like mystique with which Affleck’s character seems to view fisting; today his general ignorance seems outdated, even quaint.
The fact that the depiction of fisting in pornography is extremely rare may be responsible for the mythic status that continues to surround it. As stated in the article we shared on Wednesday, fisting was included in a 2001 document known as the Cambria List, which was created as a direct response to the election of George W. Bush, and which circulated through the adult film industry listing sex acts – as well as specific camera shots – that were best omitted from pornography in order to avoid obscenity lawsuits or prosecutions. Though the list is vague – two different sex acts are deemed “OK if shot is not nasty”, whatever in hell that means – it is clear that the industry was seeking to guard itself against a crackdown in George W. Bush’s ultraconservative America.
In addition to fisting, the Cambria List made verboten such themes or shots as interracial sex, BDSM, bisexuality, transsexuals, squirting, and “two dicks in/near one mouth”. Though I am far from an adult industry insider, it seems that the government’s crusade against obscenity was in actuality a crusade against LGBT performers, women in general, and any other sort of pornography that defied traditional values (as misplaced as that phrase seems to be in a discussion of adult entertainment). While you may be shocked by this blatant attack on the sexual freedoms of consenting adults everywhere – ironic, considering the way the Bush administration used the concept of freedom to justify the War on Terror – it’s important to remember that this is the same nation that collectively shat itself at the sight of Janet Jackson’s nipple during Super Bowl XXXVIII.
In the last few years the adult industry has relaxed its self-imposed ban on most of the items on the Cambria List, but in mainstream pornography at least, fisting is still unheard of. That such an erotic, exhilarating act remains taboo is both perplexing and disappointing, especially in light of the fact that other acts – spitting, for example – are more widely accepted and in fact seem to be growing in popularity. Nothing against anyone who has successfully managed to incorporate spitting into a healthy, committed relationship, but we don’t find your particular kink appealing. At the risk of making a blanket statement without any real evidence, I suspect that the prominence of spitting in mainstream pornography – as well as the scarcity of fisting – is due to the fact that most commercially-avaiable porn is marketed toward men as opposed to women or couples.
I was the first person to fist Jill. She was not the first person I ever fisted. Prior to meeting her, I’d had some experience with ex-girlfriends, though I only inserted my hand to the base of my thumb. As I was under the impression that, in order for the act to qualify as fisting I needed to be wrist-deep, I was always hesitant to identify what I was doing as such. However, according to porn star and fisting advocate Courtney Trouble in the San Francisco Bay Guardian article we reposted on Wednesday, the wrist is not the minimum requirement; as long as four fingers and a thumb are inserted past the knuckles, fisting has taken place.
The first time Jill and I experienced fisting together, our relationship was still fairly new. I was stimulating Jill’s clit with my thumb while stroking the anterior wall of her pussy with my index and middle fingers. When I found her G-spot, she asked me to insert another finger, and then another. Without varying my rhythm, I moved my thumb off of her clit, and replaced it with my other hand. As I softly strummed my fingers against her clit, I withdrew my fingers from inside her – much to her dismay – and put my hand into a position sometimes colloquially referred to as “duck bill”.
Thanks to Jill’s advanced state of arousal she accepted my compactly-arranged fingers and thumb without resistance, and after a few minutes of what she later told me was the most emotionally-intense sexual experience she’d ever had (something with which I am inclined to agree), she indicated that she was very close to orgasm. I continued to massage her G-spot, by now lapping steadily, hungrily, at her clit with my tongue. As her orgasm built, the moans she uttered were unlike any I’d heard before. Likewise, to say that she squirted upon reaching her climax would be an understatement. When her orgasm had passed, she lay there, panting as the waves of euphoria slowly receded. We held each other for almost an hour, not kissing, not speaking, not even touching beyond our mutual embrace. We listened to each other breathing, felt our hearts beating in unison. I had never felt so in sync, physically and emotionally, with another person. Was it then that I knew I would marry Jill? It may have been.
We appreciate the efforts of Courtney Trouble in creating International Fisting Day. With any luck, she will bring attention and understanding to – and in the process remove the unfair taboo from – this most enjoyable sexual act.
(Source image: unknown title by Beau Monde; website link broken)
His disembodied voice filled her ears as her movements reached their frantic culmination. She gave her clitoris one last stroke and climaxed in a paroxysm of pained delight. As her heartbeat slowed to normal she removed her headphones and placed them on her knee. Tears formed in her eyes and began to spill down her cheeks, her panting breaths becoming tortured sobs as she remembered him. When her eyes were dry she deleted the recording from her computer. (79)
-Jack
When I first saw the prompt for this week’s Flash Fiction Friday, I was stunned by the 38-98 word limit, and recalling the challenge presented by the previous two weeks’ higher count, I was surprised by just how easy this week’s story was to write. Like last week, I had a pretty clear idea of just how much space 98 words should take up, and adjusted my mindset accordingly. I’ve written extremely short fiction in the past, and it maxed out at approximately twenty-five words, so in retrospect 98 words was, by comparison, extravagant. Thus, this is the first time in the three weeks that I’ve been participating that I completed my story before Thursday night.
The body language of the model in the prompt photo suggested conflict, perhaps pain or grief, and as observed by Tame, wistfulness. Among the details in need of interpretation were the model’s post, especially the placement of her hands; her nudity; and easily the most curious aspect of the photo in my opinion, the placement of the headphones on her knee. Obviously there are many valid reasons why one might place a pair of headphones on her knee in this fashion, but combining this with the other elements of the photo in a compelling fashion was where I found the challenge.
As with last week, I chose not to address the hair color of the model. Last week, was I allowed a few more words, I would have mentioned the purple highlights, as well as the tattoo, in describing how the narrator viewed Vivianne as a free spirit. With a much smaller limit this week I knew I’d have no words to spare on the ruby-red hue, although it’s a shame as her hair is possibly the most immediately-striking aspect of the prompt photo. Admittedly I have no idea what I might have said about it given ten or fifteen additional words, save to merely mention it in passing.
I considered titling the story “Grief”, but decided to leave the fact that the woman pictured is mourning a lover who is either deceased or otherwise absent a surprise only revealed at the end.
Once again, I attempted to post the prompt photo in high-resolution, but Blogger didn’t want to play ball. (That, or I have no idea how to make the image fit.) If you want to see our lovely crimson-haired model in higher quality, take part in Flash Fiction Friday, or see who else participated, head over to Flash Fiction Friday.
