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TMI Tuesday: March 3, 2015

Jack4 Comments
Posted in Funny TMI TMI Tuesday

This week’s TMI Tuesday questions were adapted from kinkylesbians.tumblr.com.

Downright Sexy!

tmi-mar-3-couple-bubble-bath

 

Jack’s Answers

1. Have you ever had sex in three or more positions in one session? Name the positions.
Three positions in one session is pretty much standard, unless we’re having a quickie while our daughter is distracted for a few minutes. Generally speaking, though, if there’s no imminent threat of interruption we’re likely to begin with doggy style, then transition into either a variation of doggy style where Jill lies flat on her stomach, or a variation of missionary where Jill lies on her side, and from there we might finish up with missionary or return to doggy style. Cowgirl is a regular position of ours as well and will probably be utilized at some point during the festivities as well. We don’t do all of these positions every single time we have sex, but nine times out of ten if we’ve got more than a few minutes we will spend some time with at least three of them, or perhaps one or two that I didn’t mention. While we probably use one or two of the big three – missionary, cowgirl, doggystyle – every time we have sex, we enjoy trotting out other positions.

Shortstop, for example.
Shortstop, for example.

2. Have you ever had sex continuously for more than an hour? Was it all intercourse or other methods of sexual pleasure?
Yes I have. These days, the average length of time for sex between Jill and I is about forty minutes, but back in our carefree days before we had a child, or at least a child who was ambulatory and vocal, capable of processing things like strange noises coming from Mommy and Daddy’s room, we could easily go for several hours. Back then, it wasn’t uncommon for us to spend an entire day, or if not certainly all night, having sex. It wasn’t all intercourse; beyond my inability under most circumstances to refrain from orgasm more than an hour, I don’t know too many women who actually want to be fucked nonstop for that long. I’m not even sure if I know any. When we have sex for an hour or more, at least half of that is usually foreplay.

3. Have you ever planned and devoted an entire day to sex and sexual activity (with breaks for eating, etc)?
See above, or yes I have. In fact, the first time Jill and I had sex, we began at around midnight and finished up at seven or eight PM. We slept for a couple hours, and I’m pretty sure we showered at one point. But if memory serves, we didn’t take a break to eat. Well, we didn’t take a break to eat food, anyway. And while this was our first marathon sex session, it certainly wouldn’t be the last. It isn’t even the longest.

4. Have you ever been so loud having sex that housemates/neighbors commented or complained?
In spring 2012, Jill and I spent the night away from our daughter for the first time. Jill had a week off of work and a couple comped nights at a resort, so we dropped our daughter off at my parents’ house and had some time to ourselves. Most of that time involved sex, though we did take regular breaks for meals, and we did sleep. On the last morning of our stay, we were engaging in some very vocal, very energetic fucking when the occupants of the next room began to pound insistently upon the wall. That’s when we realized just how noisy we were being. In our defense, when we checked in a couple nights before, the desk clerk told us that the rest of the wing was unoccupied.

Though we did keep running into these two little girls.
Though we did keep running into these two little girls.

5. Have you ever had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone?
Yes. With no false modesty, I’m a fantastic lover. I tend to be very generous in bed, and derive much pleasure out of giving pleasure. Compliments and praise are common, and while I’m sure that once or twice in my more than twenty years of partnered sex I probably received insincere praise from a woman who I was never going to see again, in most cases I believe the compliments were genuine, especially when there was trust or at least some connection between the woman and I. One woman I dated in my mid-twenties said that I ruined her sexually for all other men. And while she never gave me any reason to doubt her words, she’s the one who broke up with me.

6. Have you ever gotten really turned on by saying or hearing dirty talk?
Constantly. It’s one of my favorite sexual activities. The only reason I don’t gag my wife when we’re engaging in occasional BDSM play is because her spontaneous dirty talk ups the hotness factor to eleven.

Bonus: What word or words said during sex totally turn you off or distract you from the task at hand?
Logorrhea. Crowdsourcing. Lumbago. The. Yeezus. Shih tzu. Hashtag. Mulligatawny. Gazorpazorp. Republican.

Jill’s Answers

1. Have you ever had sex in three or more positions in one session? Name the positions.
Yes. Usually Jack and I have sex in three positions in a single session, though even when we’re pressed for time we try to accommodate two.

2. Have you ever had sex continuously for more than an hour? Was it all intercourse or other methods of sexual pleasure?
Oh yeah! An hour should be the bare minimum, I think.

dmv-ca
Also true of DMV wait times.

3. Have you ever planned and devoted an entire day to sex and sexual activity (with breaks for eating, etc)?
I have, with Jack and also before we met. I once blogged about a long weekend I spent in Vegas with a soon-to-be ex-boyfriend that saw us spend almost an entire trip in bed. We fucked in more than a dozen positions in every part of the room including up against the window, which was unbelievably exciting. We only stopped for brief naps, meals (some of which were eaten in our room), and some gambling. We didn’t even stop for showers, because we fucked every time we took one.

4. Have you ever been so loud having sex that housemates/neighbors commented or complained?
Funny you should ask. A couple summers ago my entire family went on vacation to a lakeside resort. We all stayed in beautiful three-story houses overlooking a beautiful sandy beach. The house Jack and I were staying in was also temporary home to my older brother and his wife, one of my sisters and her boyfriend, and another of my sisters, plus three children including my own. We had sex every night, and although we tried to keep fairly quiet, one night we failed in a big way. No one knocked on the door or anything, but the next morning when we came downstairs it quickly became clear that the five other adults (who were spread out on different floors) had been awakened. This is all the more impressive (Jack’s words) considering that the children slept through it.

I think so, anyway.
I think so, anyway.

5. Have you ever had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone?
An old boyfriend of mine used to love my blowjobs, and why shouldn’t he? They’re great. Anyway, he liked my oral technique so much that he wouldn’t just praise it to me, he’d praise it to his friends too.

6. Have you ever gotten really turned on by saying or hearing dirty talk?
I am very turned on by the act of talking dirty, but not as much as I am by hearing it. Or reading it, for that matter. I love receiving a sexy text or instant message as much as I love having an erotic suggestion whispered in my ear.

Bonus: What word or words said during sex totally turn you off or distract you from the task at hand?
Nothing specific comes to mind. However, Jack has been known to occasionally spout some ridiculous pop culture reference or other inane nonsexual talk as things are heating up. He does it to make me laugh, and it usually works. When that happens, I can admit to being momentarily distracted from the task at hand.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

 

TMI Tuesday: May 15, 2012 – Fine Dining

jackandjillcpl11 Comments
Posted in dinner drink food Funny humor Mark Ruffalo meme Star Wars TMI TMI Tuesday weekly feature wine Written by Both
You are having dinner at the best restaurant you can imagine. Do not concern yourself with over-eating, or other restrictions. We want to know what you like best. What will you have for:

Jack’s Answers
1. Before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail?
We’re pretty typical.  During the standard large family dinner outing, we will make for the bar or lounge and have a round while we wait for our table.  Other times, we are seated immediately and enjoy a drink while chatting and perusing the menu.  More often than not, I’ll order an Irish whiskey, neat.  Jameson and Paddy’s are preferred; I’m not crazy about Bushmill’s.  

Nothing against the whiskey itself; I’m just not crazy about anything that includes the word “Bush”.

2. Appetizer?
I’ve never met an hors d’oeuvre I didn’t like; however, there are some I like much more than others.  As the entree I generally order is beef, I find that seafood makes an excellent complement.  Therefore my first choice will be coconut shrimp with an orange marmalade-based dipping sauce.  A good alternative might be fried calamari or crab cakes.  I should also point out that when I read “appetizer”, the first thing that came to mind was the Aussie cheese fries served at the Outback Steakhouse chain.  Consistently named the worst restaurant dish in America by various consumer advocacy and health publications, a single order of these fries delivers almost 3,000 calories.  Given the “Do not concern yourself with over-eating, or other restrictions” bit, I was almost tempted to choose these.
3. Soup?
Again, I am operating under the condition that this mythical meal will somehow not result in the further clogging of my arteries, and that I will manage to offset the damage the food does to my body with a few hours of strenuous physical activity, likely involving sex with Jill and any other sexy female bloggers who’d like to help prolong my life and optimize my physical health by climbing aboard and going for a ride.  Thus, I will choose New England clam chowder, as I’m a fan of cream-based soups, and of the numerous varieties of clam chowder New England is the only one I enjoy.  As a backup choice I’d order corn chowder, as it’s got all the warm, creamy goodness of clam chowder, though sadly none of the clams.
4. Salad?
Ah yes, salad.  Here’s where we get healthy.  Here’s where we undo all the damage I’ve done to my body with the two previous courses.  Since anything served in a salad bowl is bound to be good for you, I’ll take a garden salad, please.  Easy on the lettuce, though you can pile on whatever seasonal vegetables you like.  Then cover the whole thing in extra-chunky blue cheese dressing.
5. Wine or other beverage with dinner?
My first choice would be a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon.  I’m not a wine snob by any means, though I do enjoy drinking it, and whenever convenient or conducive to a good meal, I try to pair wine with food for maximum effect.  Should Cabernet Sauvignon be unavailable, I’d probably go with Merlot, made from a versatile grape that is wholly undeserving of its bad reputation.

This guy’s got a lot to answer for.
6. Entree?
I’ll have the filet mignon topped with blue cheese crust.  I’d like that medium to medium-rare.  I’ll pair it with a Maine lobster tail.  If beef is unavailable – say, for instance, that we’ve crossed into an alternate reality in which the raising of cattle for food is against the law – I’ll have the calamari steak, grilled or breaded and lightly fried; or perhaps a salmon fillet.  
7. Side Dishes?
I’ll go with a loaded baked potato, the perfect accompaniment to a good steak if there ever was one.  Additionally I’ll go with creamed spinach as, in my old age, I’ve come to appreciate this simple and delicious dish, and associate it with high-end steakhouses.  If we’re in that crazy alternate universe where steakhouses have been replaced by fish markets and I’ve just ordered the calamari steak, then switch my baked potato for garlic mashed potatoes, but keep the creamed spinach.
8. Dessert?
My favorite dessert is ice cream.  I can eat it any day of the week – or better still, every day of the week – whether it’s summertime or the dead of winter.  I like ice cream the way Cookie Monster likes cookies.  I’ll eat it plain or with toppings, in a bowl or on a cone.  In fact, I wish I had some ice cream right now.  However, for all of my insistence that ice cream is where it’s at, I don’t see myself sitting through a several-course meal at “the best restaurant [I] can imagine” and then ordering ice cream.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, especially if the restaurant features ice cream on the menu.  It’s just that, under the circumstances, I’m likely to order something denser, along the lines of cheesecake or carrot cake.  If I’m looking for something lighter, I might go with some manner of cheese and fruit platter.
9. After dinner drink?
I enjoy a glass of barrel-aged port or brandy after a sumptuous meal.  If I’m having brandy I would prefer Armagnac or Cognac, as those are the brandies with which I’m most familiar.  However, as I write this I find myself craving a nice orange Muscat, a variety of dessert wine popular in California.  I imagine that it would nicely complement the aforementioned cheesecake.

I said “orange Muscat”.
10. Which 3 people would you invite to dinner: (must be famous, well-known, living or dead, not fictional)
– For sex appeal
These questions are difficult.  I tend not to care about famous people sufficiently to go out of my way to have contact with them.  I can’t relate to celebrities, and the truth is, when I think “sex appeal”, I’m either thinking of someone I know personally, or one of the many sexy online friends with whom we’ve come into contact through blogging and tweeting.  The truth is, I can’t think of very many famous people who turn me on enough to name.  Certainly not any contemporary famous people.  But if I had to choose someone sexy to invite to dinner, make eyes at across the table, and hopefully fuck when all is said and done, I’m thinking it’s going to be Cindy Crawford circa 1992.  Hey, if I can bring someone back from the dead for the purposes of this dinner, I should be able to return a living person to the age of my choice.
– For great conversation
Jesus?  Okay, kidding.  There’s no way I could narrow my answer down to just one person.  Upton Sinclair.  W.E.B. Du Bois.  John F. Kennedy.  Bill Clinton.  Judy Blume.  Barack Obama.  John Waters.  Jane Addams.  William Jennings Bryan.  Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  Gary Gygax.  Rachel Kramer Bussel.  Frank Sinatra.  Dean Martin.  Sammy Davis, Jr.  Margaret Sanger.  Dr. Ruth Westheimer.  Dr. Joycelyn Elders.  Kurt Schmoke.  Ernest Hemingway.  Jon Stewart.  Mohandas Gandhi.  Martin Luther King, Jr.  Forrest J. Ackerman.  Andrew Carnegie.  Richard Dawkins.  Jim Morrison.  Dan Savage.  Stan Lee.  Roger Corman.  Bill Hicks.  Asia Carrera.  Jack Kerouac.  Christopher Hitchens.  Raymond Carver.  I could probably compose a blog post listing nothing but the various individuals I admire and with whom I’d enjoy conversing over a meal.
– Because you detest them
Why would I invite to dinner someone I detest?  What sort of purpose would this serve?  Am I supposed to refrain from washing my hands between going to the bathroom and prepping their meal?  Is it so I can feed them before I take them out to my game preserve and give them a head start before donning a pith helmet and hunting them like a common animal?  I’m not certain why this sub-question involves a person I detest as opposed to, say, a person I admire.  While I suppose that a person that I admire could have been a suitable answer to the previous sub-question, just because I admire someone doesn’t necessarily make them great at conversation.  You know what?  I’m going to go with Hitler.  Why?  Because why the fuck not?  Is there anyone more universally despised throughout the course of human history?  I would opine that there is not.  At the moment, Hitler has the perhaps unique distinction of being so widely hated by such an overwhelming margin of humanity that the people who don’t consider him a mass murdering piece of shit are considered crackpots by the rest of society.  A major plus about inviting Hitler to dinner is that rather than actually serving him a meal I could kill him, thereby disastrously affecting the course of human history.   (I imagine that I’d have to go back in time to, say, the 1920s in order to make this happen; I couldn’t somehow bring Hitler into contemporary times, because then it’s too late.)
Bonus: Your lover brings you breakfast in bed. What’s on the tray?
A bagel, lightly toasted, with cream cheese; and bacon that’s not too crispy.  Additionally, I’ll have a glass of orange juice.  Some pulp is okay, but I don’t want the kind with lots of pulp.

And when I’m done I’ll eat her pussy.

Jill’s Answers

1. Before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail?
I like a glass of wine before a meal.  Wine tends to make me warm and tingly, and that’s always a good way to start an evening.  I would order a nice Syrah, because lately that’s what gets me to my warm and tingly place.

So does this guy.

2. Appetizer?
I would order either a grilled artichoke with mayo or garlic aioli, or coconut shrimp.  It really depends on the time of year.  During the summer months I am more likely to go for the artichoke as it is a lighter dish, whereas if I am eating at Elway’s in Denver it’s going to be the coconut shrimp every time.  [Editor’s note:  Elway’s menu currently lists this item as $16 for three shrimp.  I hope you’re saving your pennies, my dear.]
3. Soup?
Soup has really never been my thing.  It always makes me too hot, and usually fills me up so much that I can’t enjoy my entree.  in the past, if I was eating soup at a restaurant, it was usually a taste of Jack’s and then back to my salad.  But recently I discovered tomato bisque.  It’s my new favorite soup.  Tomato bisque is creamy and delicious, and if made correctly it tastes like Heaven must taste.  In fact, I enjoy it so much that lately I’ve begun to order it as an entree.
4. Salad?
If the restaurant can prepare the blue cheese pecan chopped salad that I sometimes order when we go to Outback Steakhouse, I’d get that.  It’s such a wonderful combination of flavors and textures and is probably my favorite salad at the moment.  If the restaurant cannot prepare that salad, I think I’ll just have a Caesar.  (But they should be able to prepare it, shouldn’t they?  It’s supposed to be the best restaurant I can imagine.)
5. Wine or other beverage with dinner?
Keep the Syrah coming, please.  I’ve got a nice buzz going, and I would really like to maintain it as long as possible.

Not that kind of buzz.

6. Entree?
I’ll have the filet mignon, served medium rare.  That means it has to be seared on the outside, juicy and delicious on the inside.  It needs to melt in my mouth like butter.
7. Side Dishes?
I always get a baked potato when I order a steak.  It’s got to be loaded, too: butter, sour cream, bacon, chives, and shredded, almost melted cheese.  If I can have two sides, I’ll get creamed spinach.  Lately, we find ourselves ordering creamed spinach at a lot of premium steakhouses.  When prepared correctly, this dish is a perfect complement to a good steak.

Not to be confused with a perfect compliment to a good steak.

8. Dessert?
I’ll have the crème brûlée, but not just any crème brûlée.  The custard has to be mixed with rich, melty chocolate on the bottom, and there has to be crispy caramelized bananas on top.  While out to lunch for Mother’s Day, the restaurant we were at treated us to just such a crème brûlée for dessert.  Now I don’t think I can go back to regular crème brûlée.
9. After dinner drink?
The only thing that could possibly make me give up my Syrah glass is an Irish coffee.  After a delicious meal, I love sitting at the table with my siblings, cousins, parents, aunts, and uncles (and of course Jack), enjoying the tastes of the coffee and the whiskey together, as well as the conversation and the sense of closeness to my family.
10. Which 3 people would you invite to dinner: (must be famous, well-known, living or dead, not fictional)
– For sex appeal
This one’s easy:  Harrison Ford.  Doesn’t matter whether he’s playing Han Solo at age thirty-five or Indiana Jones at age sixty-six, he’ll always be one of my longest-running celebrity crushes.  

– For great conversation
It’s got to be William Shakespeare.  I imagine he’s got many stories to tell over a dinner of barbecued burgers and homemade fries or, if he’s feeling particularly adventurous, carnitas tacos.
– Because you detest them
Ann Coulter.  Few people are more loathsome in my eyes.

Bonus: Your lover brings you breakfast in bed. What’s on the tray?
Coffee, orange juice, and a Ramos fizz to drink, plus sourdough toast, bacon, and a multi-layered parfait made of raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, vanilla yogurt, and granola.  And if he wants to include his sausage I’ll eat that too.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Thank you to Virtual Sin for this week’s TMI Tuesday.


TMI Tuesday: May 8, 2012 – M is for Masturbation

jackandjillcpl13 Comments
Posted in Funny Han Solo humor masturbation Masturbation Month meme Rob Liefeld sucks Star Wars TMI TMI Tuesday weekly feature Written by Both
Jack’s Answers
1. How often do you masturbate?
I shoot for once daily during the week, but it’s not always possible.  I have an extremely active two-year-old who doesn’t like to be penned up long enough for me to shower, much less have a prolonged encounter with myself.  It’s not as bad as it was when I wrote this; she’s grown much more self-reliant of late than she was even six months ago.  But normally, if I can masturbate three or four times a week, I’m happy with that.  
2. What are you doing to celebrate Masturbation month?
Jill and I are trying to masturbate at least once a day every day.  So far we’ve both been successful – some days we’ve even had more than one – and we’ll do our best to continue at this pace for as long as we can, even into June if possible.  As I said in my answer to #1, it isn’t always easy to sneak off for some self-love, though the reward is always well worth the effort.
3. Do you like to watch your partner masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. Not really, it’s boring.
d. No, it’s a turn off.
e. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
What?  No (f), I’ve never experienced it and I don’t want to?  Whatever…  Okay, seriously:  I’ll definitely go with (a), as watching a woman masturbate is one of the hottest things I can imagine.  Watching a woman masturbate is the kind of thing I used to fantasize about when I was younger and dated women who didn’t masturbate, didn’t know how, weren’t comfortable with their bodies or the idea of being watched, or had been raised to believe that masturbation was somehow wrong or unhealthy.  I feel sorry for these women, and I hope they’ve corrected their sexual attitudes for the sake of whoever they eventually married.
4. Do you let your partner watch you masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on to be watched.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. No, it’s embarrassing.
d. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
Of course I have.  I’m an exhibitionist.  I’ve let people who weren’t my partner watch me masturbate.  I hope they enjoyed it.  

5. Mutual masturbation? Yay or Nay?
Yay.  Very yay.  Other than intercourse, I sometimes eschew sexual activities that see both of us actively working toward the other’s orgasm at the same time; if I’m trying to make Jill cum, I want to enjoy the experience of her orgasm (as well as the buildup leading to it) without feeling like I have to also experience orgasm in order to justify her efforts.  It’s for this reason that we rarely sixty-nine.  That said, if we’re engaging in mutual masturbation it’s generally done as foreplay.  There’s no pressure to climax, and a good time is had by all.

6. If you had an all-expense-paid trip to San Francisco to attend Masturbate-a-thon 2012 would you go and masturbate? Why or Why not?
An all-expense-paid trip to San Francisco?  So, in other words if someone bought us a sixteenth of a tank of gas?

Admittedly, a sixteenth of a tank of gas isn’t as cheap as it was in the early 1990s.

The Center for Sex & Culture
Sunday, May 27, 10am-midnight
Arrive by 9pm
$40 minimum self-sponsorship; or bring sponsorship form with pledges

All genders, all orientations welcome to explore self-pleasure in a supportive group environment. Check the next newsletter for more detail about this year’s Thon, and join us to Come for a Cause!

All donations and pledges support CSC’s operations and programs.
Bonus: Are you addicted to masturbating?
I enjoy masturbation, both alone and with a partner, and I definitely get a lot of emotional and physical pleasure out of a self-induced orgasm.  It’s quite possibly the greatest of life’s simple pleasures.  To say that I’m addicted, though, would be an exaggeration of Rob Liefeldian proportions.

 This is not a healthy spine! This woman is clearly injured!

Jill’s Answers

1. How often do you masturbate?
I try to masturbate between four and six times during the average week.  During my work week, I usually get myself off in the shower, either with a waterproof vibrator or the hand-held showerhead.  I find that this really helps me focus and have a great day at work.  Of course, it’s likely that I will masturbate at other times during the typical day, especially if Jack and I are having sex.  We try to make masturbation a regular part of our sex play.

Not the “sex play” we were referring to.
2. What are you doing to celebrate Masturbation month?
Jack and I are really making a point of masturbating every day in order to celebrate Masturbation Month.  Additionally we are planning to attend Masturbate-a-Thon at the Center for Sex and Culture on May 27th.  
3. Do you like to watch your partner masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. Not really, it’s boring.
d. No, it’s a turn off.
e. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
I’ll go with (a), yes, it turns me on.  I love watching Jack masturbate.  There is something really sexy about a hot man who knows exactly what he likes and how to handle himself.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and catch Jack masturbating in bed beside me, especially if he’s stayed up much later than I have.  Sometimes I get to help him along or at least clean him up afterwards.  Other times, though, I know that he just wants a quick orgasm before bed and I don’t interrupt, even though I really want to and in fact the realization that he’s masturbating really gets me hot.

The realization that he’s folding laundry gets me even hotter.

4. Do you let your partner watch you masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on to be watched.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. No, it’s embarrassing.
d. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.
Again, I have to go with (a).  It really turns me on to be watched while I masturbate.  I love having an audience, though Jack often joins in to help, or massages my thighs and feet while I pleasure myself.  He usually buries his face right in my pussy once I start to cum, or kisses me passionately.  If I ask, I sometimes get to suck his cock while cumming.  Now this I love!

5. Mutual masturbation? Yay or Nay?
Oh yeah!  Heck yeah!  That’s even more fun than solo masturbation.

Rowr.

6. If you had an all-expense-paid trip to San Francisco to attend Masturbate-a-thon 2012 would you go and masturbate? Why or Why not?
Luckily we are within driving distance and we plan on attending provided that we can find a babysitter for the day-long event.  We can’t wait!  I’m a little nervous, but very excited about a possible new experience.  I’m sure we will blog all about it.

http://masturbate2012.tumblr.com/


The Center for Sex & Culture
Sunday, May 27, 10am-midnight
Arrive by 9pm
$40 minimum self-sponsorship; or bring sponsorship form with pledges


All genders, all orientations welcome to explore self-pleasure in a supportive group environment. Check the next newsletter for more detail about this year’s Thon, and join us to Come for a Cause!


All donations and pledges support CSC’s operations and programs.

Bonus: Are you addicted to masturbating?
I enjoy it, but I wouldn’t say that I’m addicted to it.  I don’t have to touch myself everytime I have two minutes of privacy.  While I love masturbation, I much prefer being touched by someone else, and if I had to choose, I’d give up masturbation long before I’d ever give up sex.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

TMI Tuesday: Let’s Talk About Sex

jackandjillcpl13 Comments
Posted in Funny Hair as Erogenous Zone Queef Sex Education TMI Tuesday voyeurism/exhibitionism Written by Both

Jack’s Answers
1. What sexual act arouses you the most? For that matter, what nonsexual act arouses you the most?
I like watching Jill – or any woman – masturbate. That’s a surefire way to get me worked up. If we’re talking about one- (or two-) on-one sexual activity, oral sex. That gets me pretty aroused. There are lots of things that I like to do sexually, but by the time I’m doing them I’m already aroused. So I’m going to say watching female masturbation, and oral sex. As far as nonsexual acts, eating, followed by depositing large amounts of money in my bank account.
2. What is your signature or “go to” move that is sure to get a lover in the mood for sex?
For Jill, it’s kissing her neck. This turns her into a puddle.
3. Do you queef?
I haven’t yet. I’m honestly not that curious to find out if I would. [EDIT: Technically speaking I guess I can’t queef, as it’s a bodily function that occurs in the vagina only. I suppose that expelling air out of the anus would just be a fart.]
4. What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to YOU as a result of your sex writings (e.g., blog, erotica, sex toy reviews)? (borrowed from Insatiabear)
Hard to say. Nothing immediately comes to mind. Despite the fact that we’re super-hot sex bloggers who Tweet naughty pictures and regularly participate in OHNT, we’re pretty much regular people and no aliens have seen fit to abduct us for nefarious sexual purposes. Although on Saturday we did go to a sex club as much for the purposes of documenting the experience on our blog as out of general curiosity. It still wasn’t that weird. I’m thinking “weird” would be, say, one of our followers recognizing my wife’s breasts in public.
5. Have you ever had sex while someone watched?
…someone else was in the room?
…someone else in the bed, next to you and the person you’re having sex with?
What were the circumstances?
Yes. Before I met Jill, a girlfriend and I used to have semi-regular same-room sex with another couple, and it was pretty hot. Since meeting Jill, we’ve had same-room sex with a different couple (in the dark), same-room oral, and invited a single friend of ours over to watch us fuck. We’ve also had threesomes, which included Jill and I fucking while our third watched, or possibly texted or checked Facebook on her phone. [EDIT: I’m not sure how neither Jill nor I remembered to include mention of our sex club adventures this weekend. They certainly qualify.]
6. When it comes to sex, and discussing it with your teen have you or would you:
a. Let school sex education handle it
b. Hand the teen a book or point them to a website
c. Talk frankly and openly
d. Avoid it all together–society, friends, and the internet will give all the info needed
I’m tempted to say (d), let society, the internet, etc. do our work for us. That’s how I learned about sex, and I have no regrets whatsoever. However, by the time our daughter is in need of sex ed, I can’t imagine what kind of information (or more likely, misinformation) will be circulating around the playground, be it an actual playground or a virtual one. Therefore I suppose we’d better do our job as parents and talk to her. You have no idea how badly I wish I could just refer her to a reputable and sex-positive website like Scarleteen, and leave it at that, but despite my innate lack of comfort talking sex with my child, I hope that I will overcome it and be able to use said website as a supplement to our talks. Then again, by the time our daughter is a teenager we might very well be nearing senility.
Click Here, it’s important
Bonus: Remember the song, “I’m too sexy?” CLICK to refresh your memory
What are you too sexy for?
My clothes. There is nothing that I can possibly wear that could make me hotter than I am without it.
Jill’s Answers
1. What sexual act arouses you the most? For that matter, what nonsexual act arouses you the most?
The sexual act that arouses me the most is probably being kissed all over my body, not just in the places you’d expect. My neck, my shoulders, my stomach, my thighs, my feet. Do that to me and you’ll make me very wet without even touching my pussy. The nonsexual act is definitely getting my hair washed. That turns me on so much that I once had an orgasm while at the hairdresser.
2. What is your signature or “go to” move that is sure to get a lover in the mood for sex?
In the case of Jack, kissing him while placing my hand on his cock, or placing his hand between my legs.
3. Do you queef?
Yes, sometimes when I’ve been fucked from behind. Sometimes Jack pumps a lot of air into me that way. It’s got to come out somehow.
4. What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to YOU as a result of your sex writings (e.g., blog, erotica, sex toy reviews)? (borrowed from Insatiabear)
I don’t think anything weird has happened as a result of our blogging and Tweeting. We have been asked by Eden Fantasys to review sex toys, and while it was out of the ordinary I wouldn’t say it was weird. Nothing really weird has happened to us, but I wouldn’t mind if something did, as long as it was hot.
5. Have you ever had sex while someone watched?
…someone else was in the room?
…someone else in the bed, next to you and the person you’re having sex with?
What were the circumstances?
Yes, I have done this. I frequently masturbate while Jack watches. I know that this isn’t what was meant, but I thought I would include it. I have had penetrative sex with other people in the room. Once, Jack and I invited a friend over to watch us have sex. It was really hot to think that he enjoyed our performance, even though he didn’t whip out his cock and play with it or anything. I’m happy to show off, but I prefer knowing that my audience appreciates it. In fact, before I met Jack I had sex with a guy I was dating, and his roommate came into the bedroom and watched and masturbated. He came all over the place. Now that was hot!
6. When it comes to sex, and discussing it with your teen have you or would you:
a. Let school sex education handle it
b. Hand the teen a book or point them to a website
c. Talk frankly and openly
d. Avoid it all together–society, friends, and the internet will give all the info needed
Our daughter is not yet a teen, so we have not yet addressed the topic of sex. We understand the need to possibly address it before the teen years, but at less than two years old, it’s probably not a priority right now. We understand that she will probably pick up some information from friends, as this is where Jack and I got much of our sexual education. But we would like to be able to have open, honest discussions about sex with her, and for her to feel like she can ask us anything without fear of punishment or ridicule. If she is not comfortable talking to us about it, as neither of us were comfortable talking about sex with our own parents, she has many aunts who are more than willing to talk with her about it.
Click Here, it’s important
Bonus: Remember the song, “I’m too sexy?” CLICK to refresh your memory
What are you too sexy for?
My job. There are things I do sexually that, if made public, could jeopardize my career.

Sunday Stealing: The W.T.F. Meme: Promoting A New, Great Meme

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Posted in Funny Not Sexy Sunday Stealing Written by Both

Today we ripped off a blogger named Jennifer from her meme blog W.T.F. She’s taken on the challenge of hosting a meme three times a week on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. The questions she asks are unique. She works hard at it and I asked if we might steal 20 random questions (her memes are usually 8 or 9) to both challenges our players and to promote her meme.
So we are asking you to join us starting Wednesday. We know it’s a long way to Hump Day and Jennifer’s next W.T.F. Meme on Wednesday. So if you like these questions, write a note to join us starting on this Wednesday! [NOTE: We may or may not do this.] We have nothing to do with her meme, other than enjoying participating in it. So I was happy when she gave me her permission to promote the blog in search of players. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
Jack’s Answers
1. One of my favorite TV shows recently changed the actors who played two characters. Have you ever been bothered by a TV show or movie series changing actors who play a character you love? While I’m sure I have been bothered, I can’t readily think of any instances in which this has happened and I have been particularly upset by it. Yeah, I know the example everyone points to is the Dick York/Dick Sargent switch on Bewitched, but other than the requisite “switching dicks” joke, it really didn’t effect me in the slightest. Bewitched went off the air four years before I was born, and I only ever knew of it as a syndicated rerun. And while I remember the changes that occurred on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Roseanne – the latter eventually changing back to the original actress near the end of the show’s run – neither one particularly bothered me. I suppose that, had a dramatic series I enjoyed been forced to recast, this might have affected me more than a sitcom.
2. A coworker recently shared a link to a blog listing the “five things you should know before dating a journalist.” As a journalist, I can honestly say the writer was spot-on. What are some things people should know before spending time with you?
1. I have a very dry and at-times unpredictable sense of humor.
2. If we have sex, you may never be able to have sex with anyone else ever again. (Needless to say, I never told anyone this during my single days, but they would certainly have been better off knowing.) While I am proud of my sexual abilities, this is not something about which I am particularly happy; I would much prefer it if I was a mediocre lover, and casual conquests didn’t become so clingy.
3. I’m a geek.
4. I watch very little television, and have almost zero interest in the current popular culture. I will do my best to keep up with any discussion thereof, but if our friendship requires that I watch Jersey Shore, it’s doomed to fail.
5. I’m a stickler for correct grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. I try not to judge anyone else for not adhering to the rules as I do, but it is admittedly difficult.
3. What is something you often do without realizing that you’re doing it? I’m kind of a smart-ass. Some people get this, and can tolerate my smart-assedness. Others don’t, but play along because they like me and want to be friends. As a result there have been occasions where I’ve said something that’s offended someone or that they’ve taken personally. But no offense was meant, and the last thing I would ever do is deliberately piss someone off. Well, most people, anyway.
4. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry? I don’t know. I don’t really get crazy scary fly-off-the-handle angry. I lose my patience, sure, but I don’t think anyone in my life causes me the sort of blood-vessel-blowing fits of anger described in the question. If someone made me that insane with rage, I doubt I’d keep them around very long. Even the people I’ve recently cut out of my life didn’t make me angry so much as they made me feel pity and think, “These people have no place in my life or the lives of my family.”
5. If a fairy waved a magic wand and gave you the house of your dreams, where would it be and what features would it have? As far as location goes, any relatively safe neighborhood in our general area is fine; we wouldn’t need it to be on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean (hello mudslides) or anything out of the ordinary. The house would need to sit on a couple acres of land and come with free landscaping for life. It would include at least four or five bedrooms, among them a large master bedroom with attached master bathroom; spacious state-of-the-art kitchen as we both love to cook; some sort of area, ideally a large room with a couch or other comfortable chair where I can surround myself with books and read, or bring my laptop and write; a media room suitable for watching movies alone or entertaining company; a large playroom (i.e. not a bedroom) for our daughter that can be easily reconfigured to suit her as she gets older and presumably brings friends to play; and a yard which would include a hot tub, outdoor kitchen, dining area, and a decent-sized lawn on which Jill and I could have sex under the sun or the stars.
6. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree? Definitely religion.
7. I used to talk in my sleep. In fact, I could carry on a conversation with someone when I was fully asleep, and my mom used this fact when I was a teenager to find out if I did anything wrong and was hiding it from my parents. If you were talking your sleep tonight, what do you think you would say? I usually go to sleep thinking about sex. (I’m usually thinking about it when awake as well.) I have no idea whether I talk in my sleep, but if I did I’m guessing I’d be talking about sex.
8. The fourth installment of the “Twilight” movie series (“Breaking Dawn Part I”) will be released in theaters soon. Movie theaters started selling advance tickets for midnight showings months ago. Have you ever attended a midnight premiere showing of a movie? Yep. I’ve done quite a few midnight premieres in my time. The most recent – and the only one since our daughter was born – was the last Harry Potter movie. Before we were parents, we used to go all the time, especially in summer as Jill’s and my own work schedules allowed the occasional night sitting in a movie theater until two-thirty or three. Now, though, such events are pretty rare, and judging by the crowd of hooligans at the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 showing we attended, this may be for the best. I’m not kidding. It felt like a prison riot in there.
9. On Tuesday, tigers, lions and bears were let loose in Zanesville, Ohio, by their owner before he committed suicide, leading to a hunt in which 49 of the animals, including 18 endangered Bengal tigers, were killed. How would you react if you saw “Caution exotic animals. Stay in your vehicle” being displayed on a road sign? I think I would have to obey the sign.
10. If a company opened a theme park aimed at adults, what would you name one of the rides? A Trip Through the Reproductive System. At one of two boarding stations fashioned to look like the testicles, riders board a several-seat car fashioned to look like a sperm cell, and blast off from the epididymis on a twisting, turning trip through the vas deferens and the prostate, and down the length of the penis before rocketing into the vagina, where their car will either take one path and zoom through the “egg” exit, or else find no egg and simply exit. (I’ve taken a note from the rides of the Disney theme parks as it’s been shown that variations minor and major make participants want to ride multiple times.)
11. Imagine you just moved onto Sesame Street. Which puppet would you want as your new roommate? I don’t know which one I would want, but I can think of a few I wouldn’t want. No Oscar the Grouch, for obvious reasons. No Elmo, because he’s an annoying dipshit. No Cookie Monster, because it seems like he’s got deep-rooted psychological issues and also because I doubt I’d ever get to eat a single fucking cookie while living with him. No Count, because he’s a vampire and I don’t want him trying to turn me or any women I bring home. Maybe the Amazing Mumford, because magicians seem to get a lot of action and I would be happy with his cast-offs. Whichever puppet I am saddled with, I would insist that the puppeteer be female, as I imagine our living arrangement will cause some sexual tension, and when this is eventually consummated I’d rather receive a handjob from a female puppeteer than a male one.
12. Have you ever had a weird crush on a famous person that didn’t make sense to you? I’ve never had a weird crush on a famous person that didn’t make sense to me. All of the famous people I’ve had crushes on have been appealing to me on some level, if not physically then for some other reason that is perfectly logical. The closest thing I can think of that would fit the question’s parameters is my desire to hate-fuck Ann Coulter, as long as there was no chance that she would become clingy.
13. If you get ten minutes to interview any celebrity of your choice, who would you like it to be? Some well-regarded and hot actress, singer or other celebrity. (Forgive me, but I haven’t a clue who fits these days. I’m that out of touch.) My reasoning is that ten minutes – or even five – is all I need to seduce this person. I have no desire to interview any random actor or actress for the purpose of asking them about their motivation in whatever role earned them the Oscar. I don’t have any interest in picking their brains. I don’t even care about being in their presence so I can say that I did. But sex? Yes, I’ll gladly have sex with someone for the purposes of making my friends jealous.
14. You’ve just won the complete DVD collection of all the movies starring one actor or actress. Which actor/actress would you pick? I’m going with Asia Carrera.
15. Actor George Clooney recently told People Magazine that he doesn’t use Twitter “because I will drink in the evening and I don’t want anything that I could possibly write at midnight to actually end my career.” What is something you’ve said through social media and then regretted it? I tend to be pretty cautious when social networking. Although, as a sometime writer, I find that a bit of alcohol helps the creative juices flow, I don’t usually Tweet, Facebook or blog while in an altered state of consciousness. When drinking I have occasionally said to Jill, “I hope I Tweeted that and didn’t post it to Facebook,” but I’m always kidding. I sometimes post political stuff which will occasionally get me a contradictory comment from someone who thinks along different lines, but I certainly don’t regret it. Oh wait! There was that time I checked into a nearby creek and stated that I was dumping a body there. I probably shouldn’t have done that. Oh well; water under the bridge, literally.
16. VH1 has re-introduced its hit show “Pop-Up Video,” which gives behind-the-scenes facts for popular music videos. What musician would you be most interested in learning behind-the-scenes facts about? I would like to know more about Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, specifically his favorite pizza toppings. He seems like a Canadian bacon kind of guy. Let me know when they air that one.
17. If you stumbled across someone’s personal written journal that was accidentally left in a public place, would you read any of the content? No. I’m not the sort to invade anyone’s private thoughts. And given that a nosy relative once read my own journal – yes, I kept a journal. So? – I’m doubly against such invasions of privacy.
18. What is the title of a self-help book that you’d never want to see on a store bookshelf? Blackmail Your Way to an ‘A’!
19. Many media outlets have been asking this question a lot this week… Which Halloween costume do you think will be overdone this year? I can think of a few, but while we were out last night we saw a multitude of Jack Sparrows. One of the people in our group was Jack Sparrow. There was an Asian Jack Sparrow at the next table, and one of the bartenders was also dressed like him. At the Power Exchange we saw at least two different Jack Sparrows: A tall and skinny one hung out in the lounge, while another stockier Captain Jack took part in a flogging scene downstairs.
20. Should a marriage license have a renewal date or expiration date, like a driver’s license? No. A marriage license isn’t a license to be or remain married. It’s a license to get married once. I have no idea whether such licenses actually do expire or require renewal if not used, but I would have thought that, upon actually getting married, the license expires, and would need to be renewed anyway. If it did expire over time, it wouldn’t be akin to terminating the marriage. That is what is known as divorce. This question made my head hurt.
Jill’s Answers
1. One of my favorite TV shows recently changed the actors who played two characters. Have you ever been bothered by a TV show or movie series changing actors who play a character you love? When I used to watch soap operas it would irritate me when they would change actors. I don’t remember ever being upset by this happening in a regular show that was not a soap opera, or a movie series.
2. A coworker recently shared a link to a blog listing the “five things you should know before dating a journalist.” As a journalist, I can honestly say the writer was spot-on. What are some things people should know before spending time with you?
1. I am very family-oriented. My family means a lot to me and anyone who spends a lot of time with me should be okay with my family. But they are great people, and they love to party, so I don’t think it will be a problem.
2. Lack of sleep makes me very easily irritated. It also causes me some short-term memory loss.
3. If you find my G-spot, you’d better have towels handy.
4. I am a teacher, which means that there is no other job in the world that I can do that will give me the slightest bit of satisfaction. Although actually earning a decent wage is probably nice too.
5. If you give me a plant, don’t expect it to be alive the next time you come visit.
3. What is something you often do without realizing that you’re doing it? I often play with my hair without realizing that I’m doing it. I run my fingers through it and play with my curls. Jack says it’s sexy.
4. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry? My first response would be to feel hurt by the actions of a callous or toxic person, as opposed to angry. Fortunately I don’t surround myself with this kind of person, so I don’t find myself being hurt or angry too often. Now if someone was to try and hurt my daughter, you would see some anger. But it wouldn’t last long as I would deal with the offense quickly and decisively and be back to my usual happy self.
5. If a fairy waved a magic wand and gave you the house of your dreams, where would it be and what features would it have? My dream house would be in our current area, as I like the weather and it’s close to not only family and friends, but the beach. It would have at least five bedrooms, four baths, and a huge kitchen with stainless steel appliances, marble countertops, and a Wolfe gas stove. The master suite would need to have a gas-powered fireplace as I don’t want to deal with wood. The huge backyard would include a gazebo and a pool, with an attached hot tub and fountain. Best of all, the house would have a four car garage that included four brand-new cars that were guaranteed never to break down. The house would come with free gardening and maid service, as well as a chef who didn’t cook every night, but did all of our grocery shopping and cooked when needed.
6. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree? I believe in treating everybody with respect regardless of their beliefs, politics or external qualities. I initially said treat others as you want to be treated , but I changed it as I think most people believe in this but don’t practice it.
7. I used to talk in my sleep. In fact, I could carry on a conversation with someone when I was fully asleep, and my mom used this fact when I was a teenager to find out if I did anything wrong and was hiding it from my parents. If you were talking your sleep tonight, what do you think you would say? I’d probably be talking about how hot it was to have so many hands caressing my body Saturday night while Jack sucked my breasts and fingered my pussy. In my dreams, however, in addition to the guys there probably would be a lot more women touching me (and being touched by me).
8. The fourth installment of the “Twilight” movie series (“Breaking Dawn Part I”) will be released in theaters soon. Movie theaters started selling advance tickets for midnight showings months ago. Have you ever attended a midnight premiere showing of a movie? I love midnight showings. I never went to any before I met Jack, but it’s something we have done quite a bit. After waking up at 5 AM, sometimes it can be a chore to stay up until a midnight showing ends. It can be even harder to get up at 5 AM the next morning. When we went to see Watchmen at midnight in March 2009, I remember really liking the movie, although I must have dozed off at one point or another because when we got home at about 3:30 AM, I asked Jack why Brad Pitt was in one scene of the movie. “He wasn’t in the movie,” Jack said with an incredulous laugh. “That was the trailer for Inglourious Basterds.” What can I say? I was exhausted. I would also like to explicitly state that there is no chance that I will be seeing Breaking Dawn at four in the afternoon, let alone midnight.
9. On Tuesday, tigers, lions and bears were let loose in Zanesville, Ohio, by their owner before he committed suicide, leading to a hunt in which 49 of the animals, including 18 endangered Bengal tigers, were killed. How would you react if you saw “Caution exotic animals. Stay in your vehicle” being displayed on a road sign? I’d stay in my vehicle, and then probably drive elsewhere for the day.
10. If a company opened a theme park aimed at adults, what would you name one of the rides? The Pleasure Zone. It would be a virtual-reality attraction where you have your deepest, most intense fantasies fulfilled in the course of a twenty-second ride.
11. Imagine you just moved onto Sesame Street. Which puppet would you want as your new roommate? Grover. He’s lovable and furry and he seems like he’d be fun. I would say Big Bird but he lives in a nest and I don’t want to live in a nest.
12. Have you ever had a weird crush on a famous person that didn’t make sense to you? I’ve had crushes on Kirk Cameron and Michael J. Fox, and both seemed valid at the time. It was the 1980s. To be honest I had more of a crush on their TV characters than on the actors themselves. My crush on Kirk Cameron seems weird today given his religious leanings which don’t appeal to me at all.
13. If you get ten minutes to interview any celebrity of your choice, who would you like it to be? I can’t think of any celebrities I find interesting enough to interview. I think I’m kind of over celebrities at this point in my life.
14. You’ve just won the complete DVD collection of all the movies starring one actor or actress. Which actor/actress would you pick? Maybe Tom Hanks? I like a lot of Tom Hanks movies.
15. Actor George Clooney recently told People Magazine that he doesn’t use Twitter “because I will drink in the evening and I don’t want anything that I could possibly write at midnight to actually end my career.” What is something you’ve said through social media and then regretted it? I don’t think I’ve ever done this. However, I’ve had to be very careful not to post anything fun I did after calling in sick to work. For example I’ve had to avoid checking in or Facebooking about fun trips we’ve taken. I wish I had some lurid story about accidentally posting a picture of my hoo-hah on Facebook that I could share with you. Or actually, I’m really glad I don’t have that kind of story. My point is, I’ve never done that.
16. VH1 has re-introduced its hit show “Pop-Up Video,” which gives behind-the-scenes facts for popular music videos. What musician would you be most interested in learning behind-the-scenes facts about? Billy Joel. He’s my favorite musician. I would like to know more about him, and I don’t feel like rooting around in his trash.
17. If you stumbled across someone’s personal written journal that was accidentally left in a public place, would you read any of the content? No. I wouldn’t want this done to me, and I prefer to treat people the way I would like to be treated. Jack has done much journaling and all of his writing is accessible to me, but the last thing I would ever think to do is read any of it unless asked to do so.
18. What is the title of a self-help book that you’d never want to see on a store bookshelf? Perform Your Own Colonoscopy and Save!
19. Many media outlets have been asking this question a lot this week… Which Halloween costume do you think will be overdone this year? For kids, Rapunzel. Thanks to Tangled, we’ve already seen lots of kids dressed up as Rapunzel. For adults, I’m guessing there are many people going as “Occupy Wall Street” protesters, or well-dressed “We are the 1%” people. We saw a few of those last night.
20. Should a marriage license have a renewal date or expiration date, like a driver’s license? Of course not! The whole point of licensing is for the state to get money. Mandatory renewals means we have to pay again. Fuck that.

TMI Tuesday: Not Related

jackandjillcpl11 Comments
Posted in Funny Not Sexy Shitty Kid Social Networking TMI Tuesday Violent Crime Report Written by Both

A fun random image to go along with some fun random questions

Jack’s Answers

1. Name 5 things you did more of before social networking (facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.)?
Note: These are things I did more of before I began taking part in social networking, not necessarily things I did before social networking actually existed.
1. Called people on the phone
2. Sent e-mails
3. Wondered how some nearly-forgotten acquaintance from junior high school is enjoying life.
4. Slept
5. Mocked smartphone owners for being unable to go five minutes without updating their Facebook status

2. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?
My daughter. (Presumably my wife is aware of the fire given the fact that it’s very difficult to sleep through my patented undignified “the-house-is-on-fire” screams of terror.) I would probably also grab oour wedding album, since I made the damn thing and it was a hell of a lot of work.

3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
a. What time did you go to bed last night?
b. What time did you wake up today?
I’m a night owl by nature, and I always have been. However, the fact that I have a daughter who is somehow both a night owl and an early riser means that I’ve had to adjust in the last year and a half. My mother says that this is simply history repeating itself, and having not been fond of sleep as a young child I am now blessed with a baby who feels the same way. I can’t tell you how many mornings I’ve had where, after negligible sleep at best, I’ve begged any theoretical deity out there to let her sleep just one more hour so I could also get some precious rest only to hear her calling me from her crib or worse, crying. It is for this reason that I look forward to, and will take unnatural delight in, waking her up for school when she gets older.
a. I went to bed last night at around 12:30 or 12:45.
b. I woke this morning around seven.

4. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?
Probably swear, likely at the kid, right to his or her face. (“You little motherfucker!” comes immediately to mind.) It’s instinct, really. I don’t know that I would swear out of anger but more out of a reaction to the shock and pain of having said child suddenly kick me. I’ve never been the sort to harm or even touch an unruly child, though I think I would be tempted. I realize that you don’t use physical violence in order to teach a child not to be physically violent; rather, I might harrangue the child verbally, especially if the child was older than, say, four and thus should most certainly know better. Additionally if there is a parent nearby, I think I would politely ask him or her to teach the child some manners.

5. What three things do you never leave the house without?
Pants, my left shoe, and my right one. This is the least amount of clothing I am generally wearing when I walk through my front door whether or not I am going for a run, taking out the garbage, getting the mail, or actually getting in a car and going someplace. I generally wear a shirt as well, though the question asked for three things, not four. If clothing does not count and I must come up with three other things, i.e. three accessories or personal effects, I will go with my phone, as I burst into flames if I am not reachable at all times; my wallet as I like being able to pay for things and drive a car, and that is where I usually keep any cash or cards, as well as my driver’s license; and my keys, which are necessary for locking my front door when I leave, and unlocking it when I return. In addition, I frequently carry my mp3 player, and a pair of ear buds if I’m out for a walk or run; spare batteries for my phone, as my phone uses power far too quickly and without them I am sure to burst into flames; a Canon PowerShot point-and-shoot camera for those occasions when I plan to take lots of pictures but don’t want to kill my phone batteries; and a pair of sunglasses, if necessary.

Bonus: Name a place that you visited last week that you’ve never visited before. Briefly tell us about the visit.
On Saturday we took the baby to a pumpkin farm on the coast, where she ran around like a madwoman, grateful to be out of the car after more than an hour’s drive. She attempted to pick up every single pumpkin she could find, and eventually picked out a small sugar pie pumpkin which, yes, Jill will make into a pie. I’m reasonably certain that I’ve never been to this pumpkin patch before, although as I understand it local elementary schools sometimes take October field trips there, and have for decades, which conceivably could mean that I went there when I was a kid. However, I am going to assume that I have in fact never been there, unless a photo surfaces of me standing by the sign at the main entrance.

Jill’s Answers

1. Name 5 things you did more of before social networking (facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.)?
1. Wrote letters
2. Made phone calls
3. Visited people
4. Read books
5. Listened to music

2. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?
Besides the baby? Our pictures and other things that can’t be replaced.

3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
a. What time did you go to bed last night?
b. What time did you wake up today?
I’m more of a morning person than a night owl. Because of my schedule, which includes frequent workouts and a forty-five minute commute to and from work (not to mention work itself), by nighttime I have absolutely no energy to spare, and I frequently fall asleep while putting the baby to bed. It’s a miracle that we manage to have as much sex as we do.
a. I went to bed around eleven PM.
b. I woke up this morning around 6:45 AM. I slept way too late, and left the house like – well, like it was on fire.

4. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?
I’d probably ask what the hell he or she thinks he’s doing. Then I’d look for a parent and bring the matter to the parent’s attention. Actually, something like this happened to me once, about eleven years ago. I was teaching a kindergarten class, and one of my students was misbehaving. When I tried to discipline him, he tried to run from the classroom. When I stopped him, he kicked me in the shin, leaving a permanent mark, and tried to run again. When I caught him, I took him to the principal’s office. The principal, having had numerous problems not only with this student but with his elder siblings, decided to call the police in order to get the parents to discipline their shitty kids. A violent crime report was filed, and I still have a copy of it someplace.

5. What three things do you never leave the house without?
My keys, and my purse and my phone. Initially I said “shoes” in place of “phone”, and Jack pointed out that this implies that I sometimes leave the house without pants or a top. I rarely do that anymore.

Bonus: Name a place that you visited last week that you’ve never visited before. Briefly tell us about the visit.
We went to the home of a female friend’s new boyfriend on Saturday night and hung out with them. We’d planned to pick up dinner for them but they’d already eaten, so Jack and I picked up food on the way and when we got there we hung out in the hot tub, drank wine, and had a great time.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Sunday Stealing: The Questions Galore Meme Ends Today With Part 3

jackandjillcpl1 Comment
Posted in Are You Ready to Get Fucked? Cell Phones Ex Pertinacia Victoria Funny I Don't Want to Think on a Sunday My Brain Hurts Oz Quote Politics Rick Perry's an Idiot Sunday Stealing Written by Both
Today we ripped off a blogger named Jenni from the blog Juniper’s Jungle. It’s long, so we will do it in parts. She states that she found this meme Budgies blog. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!

Cheers to all of us thieves!

Jack’s Answers

41. What is a quote that you love? “The worst stab wound is the one to the heart. Sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same. There’s always a scar. Which is meant, I guess, to remind you that – even for a little while – someone made your heart beat faster. And that’s a scar you can live with. Proudly. All the days of your life.” – Augustus Hill (Harold Perrineau), Oz

42. Do you think of pure hate as something humanity created? Having admittedly little understanding of hatred and why it exists, I will guess that pure hate is in fact the creation of humankind. I believe that hate is borne of ignorance and fear, and it is quite possibly instinct or human nature to be afraid of something different, be it a person whose skin color is lighter or darker than one’s own, or a person who doesn’t believe in the same god(s) we do. I can’t say for certain whether an animal such as a dog or a cat holds the capacity for hatred, but I’m guessing that they do not. I doubt that an emotion such as raw, unmitigated hatred, would even make sense to a dog. And cats always seem so damned passive and uninterested in everything.

43. When was the last time you wanted to scream? Probably when my daughter was misbehaving, acting hyper, or talking far too loud for Daddy to tolerate. Rather than screaming, though, I took a deep breath and considered that she was misbehaving because she is a normal child who likes to test her limits. She was hyper because she was fighting sleep, just as I did at her age. She was loud because she is discovering her voice and learning new words daily.

44. Do you ever at times see the world in black and white? Not typically. I am not good at examining abstract topics – I took a single philosophy class in junior college, underperformed and abandoned the field of study altogether – but I also tend not to take a hard-line stance on most situations. I tend to deeply analyze any given issue – some might say overanalyze – and attempt to view things from a multitude of perspectives. Therefore, it’s hard for me to simply adopt a “black or white” position on most issues and leave it at that.

45. Have you ever thought that cell phones are too obtrusive? No. This may be surprising, given how much of an old curmudgeon I must sometimes come off as, but I don’t have much ill to speak of cell phones in general. Sure, some people use them in bad ways; we’ve all been at a restaurant or in line somewhere and had to put up with some vainglorious piece of eye candy talking on her cell phone as though she was trying to be heard over an outboard motor. We’ve all had to deal with the inconsiderate asshole at the movies who answers his phone and begins a conversation while the rest of us are trying to focus on whodunit. But these complaints aren’t against cell phones but rather the people who use them. Generally speaking I appreciate my cell phone as it allows me to stay connected to friends and family, something I greatly value, and any concerns that they may be too obtrusive are essentially a price I am willing to pay for their existence.

46. In your life, where do you thank the rainbow will end? In a bag of Skittles.

47. What is something that you never want to do again? Work for someone who is not myself. Be in trouble with the law. Experience extraterrestrial abduction and rectal probing.

48.When was the first time you realized the world was small? The first time? Probably sometime in the mid-1990s when I began regularly using the internet. Today I feel that people, myself included, take for granted their ability to instantly send an email, or chat in real time – video chat, for that matter – with somebody on the opposite side of the world. But I vividly remember a time when such conveniences were not only nonexistent for the average person but probably not something most of us could even conceive. In the 1980s Skype was essentially Jetsons technology which, along with the flying car, we thought was the stuff of sci-fi legend. More recently, however, our many interactions with all of you – the bloggers who visit our blog, and whose blogs we visit – have shown us just how small the world is. We interact with people from various parts of the world as easily as if we were in the same room. We have enjoyed getting to know all of you. Hey, where’s my flying car?

49. How you spend your time contemplating life’s mysteries? Stoned. Okay, that was a joke. I don’t. Seriously, I don’t spend much time at all contemplating life’s mysteries. Oh, in the past I’ve found myself wondering what happens to all the socks that go missing in the laundry, and I’ve even wondered about the origins and purpose of Stonehenge. But to say that I’ve contemplated these things is a fallacy.

50. Ever discuss your political beliefs with people? Sometimes. I tend not to discuss my political beliefs with strangers, or with people who I know have opposing opinions. I believe that most people are not sufficiently open-minded to engage in civil or intelligent discourse and it is for this reason, and not due to a lack of communication skills or confidence on my part that I don’t feel that I can persuade the average person to see a different side of any given issue. (Despite what my family and friends say, I do not get off on arguing with random people.) I enjoy talking politics with like-minded individuals not because I crave validation, but because it does me good to know that there are rational people in the world.

51. Do you care about the environment? Of course I do. It’s where I live.

52. What’s your motto for life? “Ex pertinacia victoria”, which is Latin for “From determination, victory”. Actually, this is not my motto; I don’t really have one. In trying to come up with a good answer to this question, I discovered the Latin Motto Generator, and in playing around with it, generated this genuine-sounding Latin motto! It’s actually a pretty good expression of my personal philosophy. It may not have been my motto yesterday, but I think it will be my motto tomorrow.

53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world? Here goes my tendency to avoid viewing an issue in black and white: This is a difficult question to concisely answer. I appreciate progress; I believe that progressing as a society is essential. If we did not progress, we might still be living in caves, sacrificing other humans to the sun. On the other hand, yes, I feel that unchecked progress is decimating the world’s beauty. Much of our rainforests and entire species have fallen in the name of progress. Sometimes I feel that, rather than “progress”, we should use the word “regress” to describe the sort of progress that actually makes the world less beautiful.

54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe? I don’t know, but I sure hope not. Can you imagine if they’re anything like humans? “First contact” will involve them massacring us en masse, then razing our cities in order to mine our natural resources. Any survivors would be placed in intergalactic zoos and circuses.

55. Would you like to rule a country? Hell no. Look, I understand the allure of power. Small men wish to be thrust into a throne in order to compensate for their size. I do not desire, nor do I need, that kind of power. While I am confident that such power wouldn’t corrupt me, and I suppose that I could use it for good, i.e. to actually better the lives of my subjects, do I really want that responsibility? No, I would rather not be saddled with such a burden. Add to that the fact that, in this day and age, it seems that most people live to complain about the status quo, which refers directly to me and my rule. I’m guessing some disgruntled prick would assassinate me. Yeah, no thanks.

56. Do you believe everything has a purpose? No. I’d love to be able to subscribe to the notion that there is some sort of master plan and that everything in the world is connected. But that’s just not me. With the amount of misery and tragedy we see and hear of on a daily basis, I can’t accept the notion that every occurrence happens for a reason. I can’t accept that there is a purpose when someone sexually assaults and murders, say, a four-year-old girl. I suppose it’s conceivable that the victim might have grown up to be a genocidal maniac, à la Hitler or Milošević, but we still put the killer in prison.

57. Is war ever for the best? Certainly wars can be fought for valid, noble reasons. When a downtrodden people have been oppressed, taking up arms and fighting their oppressors is a much better option than lying down in surrender. In this example fighting may be the only way to change the situation. I do believe that there have been situations where war is for the best, although the cynic in me feels that we have seen nothing but shitty reasons for war of late. And remember the following, immortal words of Bart Simpson: “There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy.”

58. Could you kill anyone in defense of self or loved ones? I hope so. As I stated in the first installment of this meme two weeks ago, I’d like to think that I would take whatever action was necessary to protect myself or my loved ones. But that most certainly doesn’t mean I would do it with any joy or enthusiasm; while I might want to kill the other person more than I want to die, I wouldn’t like the fact that they put me in this position.

59. How do you react to people (Such as Governor Rick Perry) who don’t believe global warming is really our fault? Rick Perry’s an idiot.

60. Does love conquer all? Though I am not the sort of steroid-amped aggro douchebag who looks for a confrontation everywhere he goes, I don’t believe in turning the other cheek. I feel that adopting a passive stance against the slings and arrows of one’s enemies only allows them to trample you.

61. Is euthanasia morally acceptable? Yes. Provided that it is carried out with the informed consent of the patient, euthenasia is morally acceptable. I hope never to find myself suffering from a terminal illness or otherwise so devoid of quality of life that I no longer want to continue living. However, if I ever am in this position, I would like to be able to die with dignity should I so choose.

62. Is world peace impossible? Impossible? Not necessarily. Likely? Nope.

63. Is pride a good or a bad thing? Despite its designation as one of the Cardinal Sins, at its simplest level pride is a very good thing. Pride makes us throw trash in a proper receptacle, and not on the ground. Pride makes us live in clean houses. It makes us brush our teeth, comb our hair, and wear clean clothing. All of these actions have been shown to improve the lives of those who participate in them. However, pride makes us try out for American Idol when we clearly can’t sing and aren’t even interesting enough to be regarded by viewers as “that really weird contestant.” Pride makes us wear a speedo on the beach when we should be wearing a muumuu. Pride makes us post pictures of ourselves on Facebook making that weird duck face that’s totally not hot. Pride really sucks.

64.What do you think is the purpose of your life? To make sarcastic comments and post pictures of my wife on our sex blog.

65. Do you believe in karma? No. I wish I did; I don’t really believe in religion and since Hell is thus out of the question it would be nice if I could at least believe that the jerkoff who cut in front of me in line in the grocery store would at least receive some sort of cosmic ass-kicking when the bagger put his watermelon on top of his bag of tortilla chips. No, in my experience the folks arguably most in need for karmic punishment are the ones least likely to get it.

Jill’s Answers

41. What is a quote that you love? “Are you ready to get fucked?” – Jack

42. Do you think of pure hate as something humanity created? Yes. I once saw two animals fight in a manner so barbaric that I found myself frightened despite the fact that I was watching the fight on television. When one of the animals was dead, the other did not in any way desecrate the body, or terrorize the animal’s mate or young.

43. When was the last time you wanted to scream? When I read this list of questions. Admit it, you did too.

44. Do you ever at times see the world in black and white? No. There are usually two sides to a story, and I am proud of my ability to see the story rationally, understand both sides, and come to a conclusion.

45. Have you ever thought that cell phones are too obtrusive? Not necessarily cell phones themselves, but the obnoxious people who use them inappropriately. I do feel there are certain places where cell phone use should not be tolerated or permitted, such as movie theaters, libraries, and above all, school classrooms. As a kindergarten teacher, yes, I have had to deal with this.

46. In your life, where do you thank the rainbow will end? I have no idea what this question means. On my daughter’s face?

47. What is something that you never want to do again? I was once abandoned in a foreign country by the friends I had come with. While I’ve found myself traveling abroad with people who I could no longer stand, and very much wished that I could ditch, I never actually did it, and besides, I am way too wonderful to deserve such treatment. So I hope that this never happens again. Something else I hope I never have to do again? Answer a list of deep, philosophical Sunday Stealing questions such as these.

48.When was the first time you realized the world was small? When I was orbiting it in the space shuttle. It looked like a little blue marble.

49. How you spend your time contemplating life’s mysteries? If I’m thinking about something deep and mysterious, it means I’m driving, and I’ve finished my audio book or otherwise have nothing to entertain me.

50. Ever discuss your political beliefs with people? No, I don’t. I don’t think the average person wants to debate politics with me. I’m not interested in arguing, and I think that most political discussions lead invariably to argument.

51. Do you care about the environment? Yes. I hope that my grandchildren can live on this planet without having to wear hazmat suits when they go outside to play. I want to do my part to ensure that their childhoods are not drastically different than mine and Jack’s.

52. What’s your motto for life? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, treat people the way I want to be treated, or some other variation of the Golden Rule.

53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world? Probably.

54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe? Not really. Maybe there is unintelligent life. It’s an unimaginably large universe and I guess it’s a little arrogant to think that ours is the only planet with life. But I don’t know if I believe that there is an intelligent alien species somewhere, as I imagine they would be known to us by now. I know all of the theories about alien visitors who are supposed to have come to our planet, but I’ve seen enough science fiction movies to know that it wouldn’t be one little gray spaceman in a flying saucer. They would send a fleet.

52. What’s your motto for life? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, treat people the way I want to be treated, or some other variation of the Golden Rule.

53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world? Probably.

54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe? Not really. Maybe there is unintelligent life. It’s an unimaginably large universe and I guess it’s a little arrogant to think that ours is the only planet with life. But I don’t know if I believe that there is an intelligent alien species somewhere, as I imagine they would be known to us by now. I know all of the theories about alien visitors who are supposed to have come to our planet, but I’ve seen enough science fiction movies to know that it wouldn’t be one little gray spaceman in a flying saucer. They would send a fleet.

55. Would you like to rule a country? No. I really don’t want the responsibility of ruling a country. As nice as it would be to have subjects who would do anything I ask, I do not want to be in charge of making decisions for other people’s lives.

56. Do you believe everything has a purpose? Yes. I think that everything has a purpose. I can’t say the same for everyone, though. What the fuck is Paris Hilton’s purpose on this planet?

57. Is war ever for the best? I don’t believe in war. I feel that everyone should get along. However, since this is simply not reality, I understand that war is sadly necessary, especially when people are being denied their basic human rights. In this kind of situation, when basic freedom is at stake, I do feel that war is for the best.

58. Could you kill anyone in defense of self or loved ones? Yes. I would fight back without hesitation, and kill if it was the only way to prevent the harm or death of myself or my loved ones. I am not a violent person. Most of the time I believe people are inherently good and I give them the benefit of the doubt. But if you are threatening my daughter, for example, I will do whatever is necessary to remove that threat.

59. How do you react to people (Such as Governor Rick Perry) who don’t believe global warming is really our fault? I hate to generalize, but because he’s a Republican I ignore him.

60. Does love conquer all? I wish I could believe so. It makes a nice slogan and gives us all hope that there can be an end to hatred and war. I appreciate love for the way it makes life better. But I don’t feel that it conquers all.

61. Is euthanasia morally acceptable? When your quality of life has fallen to the point that you can no longer perform basic bodily functions without assistance, you should have the right to end your life on your own terms.

62. Is world peace impossible? Yes. I don’t believe that peace is compatible with human nature. Unfortunately, there are too many in the world who oppose the idea of peace, and unless there is some sort of drastic evolutionary change, world peace will probably never be achieved.

63. Is pride a good or a bad thing? Pride is a good thing. Why would you wake up in the morning if you had nothing to be proud of? Why would you want to go on living? I can’t understand people who don’t take pride in themselves, their appearance, and their work.

64.What do you think is the purpose of your life? I think my purpose is to bring happiness to my daughter and my husband, as well as myself, and to educate young people, something I have been doing for more than fifteen years. I also think my purpose includes having the best sex possible.

65. Do you believe in karma? Yes. Ultimately, I believe – or at least hope – that you reap what you sow in life. If you are a complete asshole, something is going to bite you in the ass.

A Funny But Inconsequential Article; Or, Proof Positive That Most People Have Their Heads in the Gutter

jackandjillcpl5 Comments
Posted in Family Feud Funny Huffington Post Pastor's Wives Sperm Spitting vs. Swallowing Steve Harvey Swallow Video Clip written by Jack

…Not that that’s a bad thing, necessarily. From Huffington Post:

“Magen, tell me something you put in your mouth but don’t swallow.” Before the question left “Family Feud” host Steve Harvey’s lips, he knew he had stumbled into sticky territory.
After innocuously getting the answer “gum” during the initial round, Harvey walked over to the Forsythe team and posed the same question. But Magen, the girl he asked (and a pastor’s wife to boot), gave him an incredulous look that summed up what most viewers were likely thinking (assuming that, like us, most viewers have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy).
Harvey immediately spirals into a half tirade/half lecture about how such a question — and such an answer — could potentially harm the squeaky-clean legacy that “Family Feud” has enjoyed for decades.
How does Magen eventually answer? Does she tiptoe around the question? Is “Family Feud” off the air after an advertiser revolt against swallowing? You may be surprised.
For the record, I’ve never given much thought to the wives of pastors and such. Nothing against them as a whole, but were I to think “pastor’s wife” I would probably think quiet, demure, sexually repressed and frustrated, and probably not in favor of the majority of the values for which I stand. But Magen seems to prove otherwise. I found her pretty cute, and the fact that she was confident enough to say what I’m guessing the majority of her team, the studio audience, and the home audience was thinking was hot. The fact that her answer was not on the board indicates that the people surveyed were probably not as honest or confident as she.
I’m actually a bit disappointed in Steve Harvey. He seemed threatened by Magen’s answer (if not by Magen herself), though I’m guessing (or hoping) based on what I know of him that this was for show in order to protect Family Feud’s “squeaky clean legacy”. I actually find Harvey’s description of the show as “Christian entertainment” (likely meant facetiously) to be highly dubious, as I’m not the only viewer who remembers Richard Dawson and his penchant for forcing himself on female contestants. (In order to avoid upsetting the legions of fundamental Christians who frequent our blog, I’ll avoid suggesting that forcing oneself on a woman is consistent with Christian values.)
Now that I think of it, Family Feud is not broadcast live. If Magen’s answer was so problematic that the host of the show had to disavow it, why was the segment allowed to air? Why not just replace the offending question with another, more family-friendly one? For that matter, why bother asking the question in the first place? Obviously if most people hear “Name something you put in your mouth but don’t swallow” and think of something sexual, I imagine that at least one of the show’s producers does as well. Therefore I’m guessing that the question was included on the show precisely because of the possibility of a sexual reference being made – perhaps not one as explicit as “sperm” – with Harvey instructed to visibly disapprove. Lame.
Now that I think of it, I wonder if Magen’s answer wasn’t on the board because the hundred people surveyed actually prefer to swallow.

Sunday Stealing: The Questions Galore Meme, Part 2

jackandjillcpl7 Comments
Posted in Funny Meme Hatred Not Sexy Sunday Stealing Written by Both
Today we ripped off a blogger named Jenni from the blog Juniper’s Jungle. It’s long, so we will do it in parts. She states that she found this meme [at] Budgies blog. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player’s posts. It’s a great way to make new friends! Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!
Cheers to all of us thieves!
[Note: When these questions were originally posted Jill and I pasted them into a word processing document in order to answer them. However, since then the wording of a few of the questions has been altered and in some cases questions were changed completely. The original three questions, and our answers thereto, are included as bonus questions.]
Jack’s Answers
21. What was the last song you listened to that wasn’t sung in English? It was either “Llorando”, by Rebekah Del Rio (Spanish), or “Vaka”, by Sigur Rós (Vonlenska/Hopelandic).
22. One of our SS players generally leaves a critical comment on our memes. Which is fine. All’s fair. Do you let meme authors know when you hate their memes? No. I generally don’t find blogging memes to be sufficiently important as to inspire an extreme emotional reaction, especially not hatred. If I don’t like something that much, I don’t participate. I certainly don’t bother to bitch to the person responsible. What’s the point?
23. What TV show would you like to be on? I would like to appear on a revival of Twin Peaks, with Idris Elba in the role of Special Agent Dale Cooper and either Abigail Breslin or Chloë Moretz as Laura Palmer. Rather than concerning the murder of a local homecoming queen in a small town in the Pacific Northwest, it would instead be about either human trafficking in a Texas border town, or the illegal poaching of Chesapeake Bay crabs in a coastal town on the Eastern Seaboard. I would portray the log.
24. What was the last video game you played? I’m pretty sure it was Metroid, the 1987 sci-fi adventure game for the NES. On the rare occasion that I have time to play a video game, I’m probably on my laptop, running an NES emulator and playing something from the mid-to-late-’80s, likely one of a handful of NES games that still hold my interest for replay value as well as nostalgia and overall fun. That said, it’s been awhile since I played.
25. Have you ever been in a musical? If yes, do tell. Sarcastic answer: Why yes! I find myself in a musical quite often. Why, just recently I was walking down the street on an unsually sunny day and I suddenly burst into a song worthy of Rodgers and Hammerstein. As I traveled along my path, the various townspeople I passed joined me not only in my walk, but also in my song, until I found myself in the middle of town, where everyone joined me in the town square as our song reached its culmination. Truthful answer: No. I’ve only been in the audience of a musical.
26. Do you follow your own style or everyone else’s? I think I follow my own style. On the rare occasion that I take a style cue from someone else, it’s certainly not “everyone else”, as I find the latest thing that all the kids today must wear/have/watch/do to be fairly shallow and vapid. Of course, as a thirty-five-year-old man, were I to follow the same trends as “all the kids today”, it would come off as desperate and creepy, so there’s another reason that I avoid it.
27. What’s the last store you bought from? I picked up a magazine from Barnes & Noble a couple days ago. That’s probably the last purchase I made.
28. In retrospect, have you ever let a person use you a lot? For sex? Not as much as I would have liked. In general? Not very much. I am pretty resistant to being used, though I am willing to do a lot for people who aren’t users and who appreciate my efforts.
29. What are you doing two days from now? Masturbating? I’m going to say masturbating. This is something I enjoy, and the likelihood of my doing so on any given day is high.
30. Did you ever believe there were monsters in your closet? There was a period in my early childhood where I didn’t actually believe that there were monsters in my closet, but I worried that at some point there might be. My parents’ bedroom was directly behind my own, and there was a passage between our two closets. I never heard a noise coming from their bedroom that made me think there was something in the closet, but knowing about the passage I did worry that something (a monster, naturally) could come and get me from their room while I was focused on keeping something from coming to get me through my bedroom’s main entrance.
31. When you graduated high school, did you let random people sign your yearbook or just close friends? As in, people I didn’t go to school with? No. The only people I let sign my yearbooks were those whose picture, or at least whose name, appeared in it. As for random people who attended my school, if asked I did exchange a signature with someone who was technically not a friend, i.e. a casual acquaintance or someone I’d seen regularly in the halls and at school events.
32. Would you consider adopting a child that had a mental illness? At the risk of sounding like a completely heartless asshole – something I may be, but I honestly don’t believe that I am – I probably wouldn’t. This is in no way meant as a judgment of mentally disabled children, or children with disabilities in general. This is more of a judgment of myself. I’m the father of a very active child. She’s wonderful and I wouldn’t change anything about her, but she takes so much out of me that it’s a wonder I am able to function at the end of an average day with her. Parenting is difficult though rewarding, and only the strong and committed need apply. The parents of disabled children have my respect, as while I am optimistic that I would be able to properly raise such a child, I consider myself very fortunate that the challenges I face daily as a parent are comparable to those faced by most parents. It’s not that I feel that a mentally disabled child isn’t worthy of my love, my time or my effort. It’s that I know my limitations, and given the extra work raising such a child would require, I would be very wary of letting said child down.
33. Does thinking about death scare you? Mine? Not really. This is not to say that I am in any way ready to die, that I am particularly comfortable or at peace with the thought of dying, or that when the time comes I will face Death bravely and go with him (or her) willingly. For all I know, even if I live a long and dignified life, when my time comes I will lose my shit completely and begin begging, bargaining, or offering anything – or anyone – nearby in trade. At the very least, I would rather not die anytime soon, as there is much that I still want to experience in life. But generally speaking, the thought of my death isn’t particularly scary, and I hope that it is painless. The thought of my loved ones dying, however, chills me to the very bone. Especially since becoming am a parent, the thought of harm coming to those I love is crippling if I give it much thought. Of course, it is for this reason that I do my best to avoid thinking about it.
34. If you died, do you believe that you go to Heaven or Hell and where would your spirit go? I’m going to say neither, as without having any definitive proof I don’t really believe that either place exists. However, I will play Devil’s Advocate here and say that, assuming that the idea of a traditional Hell exists and that this is where sinners spend eternity after they die, Hell is most certainly where I would go, as the Christian church and many other religious denominations seem to have a zero-tolerance policy for heathens such as myself. Through the sin of lust alone I would probably have condemned myself to eternal damnation years ago, as I think about sex pretty often. Maybe not every single waking moment, but I’d say that most waking moments. And quite a few asleep ones as well. Fortunately I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, so I’m not stressing out over it.
35. Who did you last write a snail mail letter to and why? I haven’t a clue. Keeping consistent with my answer to one of the questions last week, I have no recollection of the ins and outs of my snail mail activities (when I used to have any). I literally cannot recall the last time I affixed a stamp to anything, much less to a letter and to whom this letter was mailed.
36. Do you care what people say or think about you? I care what some people say or think about me, sure. I want the people whose opinions I respect to think positive things about me, but if these people are, for whatever reason, determined to think poorly of me, I am not inclined to alter myself or my behavior in order to influence their opinions.
37. Have you ever been threatened? Depends how you mean it. When I was less mature I dated attractive women and sometimes I felt threatened when guys hit on them even though they were with me. I can be pretty competitive, and I didn’t take kindly to such incursions. Naturally the fact that I attracted women who encouraged other guys’ advances, as well as my own reaction to this behavior, is an indication of my insecurity at the time. Now I’m married and pretty secure not only in myself but in my relationship as well, and when Jill flirts or is flirted with, it simultaneously flatters me and turns me on. As for threats of physical violence, these are limited to the standard childhood and adolescent threats from bullies, though I’m hesitant to include these as they hardly count; and a couple women I dated who threatened to inflict great bodily harm on me when they learned that I have female friends. In general, I’m not particularly violent or confrontational, and I find that serious threats are essentially much non-existent.
38. Which side of your family do you get most of your qualities from? Definitely my Dad’s side more than my Mom’s. I’ve been closer to my Dad’s side than my Mom’s for the majority of my life, and I think my qualities, both positive and negative, come from my paternal grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and yes, my Dad as well.
39. What was the last thing with alcohol that you drank? I had a couple highball glasses of Irish whisky on Friday, and Jill told all of her followers on Twitter that I was too drunk to fuck her. (I wasn’t.)
40. Have you ever kept a relationship a secret? Not my own, but I have tried to keep a friend’s relationship a secret so as to prevent a vengeful ex from finding out. The vengeful ex found out anyway. It’s hard to keep that sort of thing a secret, especially in the current information age in which we live.
Bonus #1: What did you last draw? I used to draw frequently. From childhood to adolescence drawing was something I greatly enjoyed, and I could kill a sketch pad in a matter of just a few days. In college, I used to save my class notes not for the information contained therein, but for the copious doodles I would draw in the margins. I would draw pastoral landscapes, surreal scenes, still lifes, bad-ass action heroes, monsters, and scenes of violence so graphic that, had a teacher seen them in 2011 rather than 1991, I would have been sent to the counselor’s office where I would have fervently denied that there was anything wrong at home and news reporters would still have shown up on my front lawn to talk to my parents. These days, though, I don’t draw very much. The last thing I drew may well have been a very rough sketch of SpongeBob SquarePants for the purposes of amusing my daughter.
Bonus #2: Do you lick envelopes or tape them shut? Envelopes? Like for mailing a letter? As in a piece of personal correspondence (i.e. not a utility or credit card bill) which is physical in nature (i.e. not an e-mail) but is not a greeting card? Something that begins with “Dear [name]”, includes a few lines of text and closes with “Sincerely, [name]”, “Love, [name]”, “Fondly, [name]” or some similar sentiment? I’m pretty sure I used to lick them, but it’s been awhile since I mailed anything.
Bonus #3: What was the last thing you drank? A glass of water.
Jill’s Answers
21. What was the last song you listened to that wasn’t sung in English? I can’t think of one. Pass.
22. One of our SS players generally leaves a critical comment on our memes. Which is fine. All’s fair. Do you let meme authors know when you hate their memes? No. If I don’t like it, I just don’t do it. I remember skipping a TMI Tuesday once because we didn’t care for the questions. I can be critical when a situation calls for it, but I don’t think that a blogging meme will affect anyone’s life.
23. What TV show would you like to be on? I think I would like to be on a game show, one where I can win lots of money and fabulous prizes. Maybe Wheel of Fortune, but back in the old days when you used to be able to buy those overpriced prizes with the money you won. Unfortunately, you had to spend the whole amount, which meant $15 decks of playing cards. Sometimes they used to put the remainder on a gift certificate to Service Merchandise, but they’ve been out of business almost ten years now. And remember, once you win a prize, it’s yours to keep!
24. What was the last video game you played? I’m not sure. It’s been awhile. Something on the Wii, probably.
25. Have you ever been in a musical? If yes, do tell. I was in a production of Tom Sawyer when I was in the eighth grade. I know it’s not usually performed as a musical, but this time it was.
26. Do you follow your own style or everyone else’s? I follow my own style. I don’t really pay attention to trends, and when I do, by the time I notice something is in style, it’s on the way out.
27. What’s the last store you bought from? I bought a Princess potty for the baby from Toys ‘R’ Us today.
28. In retrospect, have you ever let a person use you a lot? I get asked to do a lot of different things for people, because I am pretty outgoing and generous with myself and my time. So I guess that, yes, people in general sometimes do use me. My own fault for letting them, of course.
29. What are you doing two days from now? Work, followed by a dental appointment. If there’s anything else planned, it must be a surprise because Jack hasn’t told me about it.
30. Did you ever believe there were monsters in your closet? When I was younger I did. I always made my parents check the closet before I went to bed, and the closet door had to remain shut while I slept. I’m not sure what I thought might be in there, but whatever it was, I didn’t want to know about it.
31. When you graduated high school, did you let random people sign your yearbook or just close friends? Mainly friends.
32. Would you consider adopting a child that had a mental illness? I would be open to it, yes. I think I would adopt a child with a mental illness if we had the opportunity and the financial means.
33. Does thinking about death scare you? Yes. It terrifies me, especially since having a baby. The thought of dying scares me, and so does the thought of my friends and family members dying.
34. If you died, do you believe that you go to Heaven or Hell and where would your spirit go? I would probably go to Heaven. I assume that they don’t really care about all the dirty but consensual sex I’ve had in my life. I can only hope that they’ve got more important things to worry about.
35. Who did you last write a snail mail letter to and why? I sent a thank-you letter to a friend in return for a birthday gift.
36. Do you care what people say or think about you? I really wish that I could say no, but I do care. I’m more concerned with how my relatives (and to a lesser extent my friends) perceive me. I guess I’m not as preoccupied by the opinions of random strangers or even casual acquaintances. But growing up, it was essential to me that I not disappoint my parents (who admittedly were not overly restrictive). I have carried this way of thinking into adulthood, and while I think it has helped me to be a better person, to some extent I feel as though I am sometimes inhibited by it.
37. Have you ever been threatened? Honestly, I don’t think so. If someone threatened me, they were so subtle about it that I never noticed.
38. Which side of your family do you get most of your qualities from? My Dad’s. His side of the family is more tight-knit, and he and most of my relatives on his side are warmer and more nurturing. My Dad’s side of the family also really knows how to throw a party and have fun, and I like to think that I have inherited this quality as well.
39. What was the last thing with alcohol that you drank? A Pisco Sour while at a dinner party with friends.
40. Have you ever kept a relationship a secret? No. I’ve always been very open and honest, and I don’t really believe in keeping secrets.
Bonus #1: What did you last draw? I drew a piranha on Friday. I was teaching my class to draw with shapes, and a piranha was the animal that tied into the oval shape.
Bonus #2: Do you lick envelopes or tape them shut? I lick them. It’s a good way to stay in practice.
Bonus #3: What was the last thing you drank? Water with dinner.

TMI Tuesday: Have and Have Not

jackandjillcpl7 Comments
Posted in Funny TMI Tuesday Written by Both
This week’s TMI Tuesday was inspired by An Optimistic Virgin. Read her Have and Have Not for inspiration and HAVE FUN creating yours.
Jack’s Answers
List five (5) things you have done that other people probably have not done.
1. I’ve had three orgasms in about fifteen minutes. I have no doubt that some women have done this, but I bet not a lot of guys have. I experienced this on Sunday night, though it was by no means the first time. I know that I’m not as young as I used to be, but some night when we don’t have to worry about getting up early or being interrupted by a crying baby, I’d like to see if I can keep the pace for a full hour, i.e. twelve orgasms in sixty minutes. I bet I could, especially if Jill was the one coaxing them out of me, though I’m curious as to changes in volume over the course of the hour.
2. I once had an open warrant for my arrest for about sixteen months without knowing about it. I’m not a career criminal or anything; this occurred when I was younger and shall we say much less judicious about the sort of folks with whom I associated. I’d participated in a certain indiscretion and explained my involvement to the police upon request but due to a miscommunication I thought they’d gotten what they needed from me. Turns out they hadn’t, and when I found out that I was wanted – holy crap, wanted? Doesn’t that make me sound like a badass outlaw or something? – I immediately cleared the matter up. The scariest thing about it was that, the entire time that this warrant was out, had I been pulled over for a traffic violation they would have run my driver’s license and immediately arrested me.
3. I kissed the Blarney Stone.
4. After experiencing extreme disillusionment sitting in a cubicle, I started my own business almost a decade ago. Today the fact that I am strictly management means that I can afford to spend my days raising my daughter, though the fact that I remember what it was like before I was management means that I never fail to let my employees know that they are appreciated.
5. I once rode a mule down the Grand Canyon. In my early twenties I would road trip to Lake Havasu for Spring Break, and one year a friend and I decided to take a mule ride. Though a fun once-in-a-lifetime experience, once we were on our mules it was clear that neither of us had any idea how steep the trail would be. Or, for that matter, just how long the ride was going to be. It was interminably long, the weather was hotter than we were prepared for, and by the time we got to the end of the ride (we only went as far as Plateau Point), we really wished a helicopter would swoop down from the sky, extend a rope ladder, and carry us the hell out of there, mules be damned. When it was over, and we were both chugging beers on a party boat back at the lake, we acknowledged that we were glad we did it.
List five (5) things you have not done that other people probably have done.
1. I’ve never crank called anyone. While I understand that, in the ’80s when I came of age, this sort of thing was for some a mischievous childhood rite of passage, much like toilet-papering or egging someone’s house, I never partook in this annoying but probably harmless activity. I’m guessing that my reluctance to do this stems from the fact that, during my childhood, my family was the subject of frequent crank calls, and I guess that while I was willing to do things of which my parents would not approve, annoying random strangers was not one of them. Additionally, I was always convinced that the first number I crank-called would have a trace attached for the purpose of locating a kidnapped child, and that I would be hauled off to juvie without benefit of trial. Here I must acknowledge that crank calling has almost certainly diminished in frequency over the last fifteen to twenty years as Caller I.D. has gone from being a novelty to a universal concept. But I include this have-not with the understanding that I am comparing myself with the rest of my generation, and not the current crop of young people for whom Star-69 is probably meaningless.
2. I’ve never smoked a cigarette. Both of my parents smoked when I was a kid, and I always found it gross. While on many occasions during my formative years I gave in to peer pressure, did things that I knew I shouldn’t, and otherwise demonstrated questionable judgment and decision-making skills, I knew that smoking after years of giving my parents shit for it would make me a hyporcite, and I always resisted the temptation. Because, you know, an activity that stinks up your body and your clothes, wrinkles your skin, and leads to a variety of terminal illnesses is seriously tempting.
3. I haven’t seen more than one or two episodes of Lost, a series that about 75% of my friends not only watched, but also took for granted that I watched as well. Between 2004 and 2010 the number of times I had to deflect requests to discuss the latest episode by explaining that I don’t watch it (usually including the specific phrase, “No, I didn’t watch The X-Files either”) probably amounted to a hundred or more. It’s an easy assumption to make; it was a very popular show that appealed specifically to my demographic: Geeks in their late twenties/early thirties. But apparently so ridiculous was the notion that I didn’t count myself amongst the Lostaways that I had to explain it to the same person several times during the series’ run.
4. I never played high school sports. To this day, I have no idea why this is.
5. I have not owned or regularly used an Apple product in seven years. I’ve owned a couple Apple computers, including a Macintosh Powerbook laptop in 1993 and a Macintosh Performa desktop in 1994. Of these, the only one that met my expectations for functionality was the Powerbook. When the Performa crashed, I made the switch to PC and although I understand that the Apple brand is much more popular today than it was then, I haven’t looked back. A couple years after the iPod was introduced, I wanted an easy way of listening to my impressive digital music collection on the go, so I bought one. Like the Performa, it didn’t live up to my expectations; it couldn’t hold a battery charge long enough to transfer my music, and took more than a day or two to fully re-charge. I assume based on the iPod’s market share compared to other digital music players that most people who own one enjoy it, but I’ve jumped ship to a competing brand.
Bonus: What is the oddest thing that you’ve ever seen?
Some sort of specimen in a jar that my high school biology teacher kept displayed on a shelf in the back of his classroom. No one had a clue as to what it was, though the general consensus amongst much of the class was that it was the penis of some kind of animal. In retrospect I doubt that this is in fact what the specimen was, though I’m at a loss to offer an alternate guess. It seemed like some manner of medical curiosity that one might see at a carnival sideshow in the days of yore.
Bonus, Bonus: What is the oddest, kinkiest, or craziest thing you have ever done?
Oddest: When I was probably nine or ten years old, I used to flail my right arm out to my side as I walked. This wasn’t some sort of nervous tic; this was a voluntary behavior. I’m not actually sure why I did this, but I remember it occurring with regularity for probably the better part of a year until I realized that to most people I probably looked like an idiot, not unlike John Cleese in that Monty Python “Ministry of Funny Walks” sketch, but less funny.
Kinkiest: I don’t know how I can answer this. I’ve done relatively kinky things, but I don’t know that anything I’ve ever done is much kinkier than anything else, certainly not enough to be singled out as the kinkiest. I could list some of the kinkier things I’ve done, but I’m sure most have been mentioned and/or described elsewhere in this blog. Hell, how about Porn and Pizza? I’ll go with that.
Craziest: I once smuggled something across the Mexican border into the U.S. Nothing too outrageous, just more alcohol than an individual is allowed to carry. Again, this was in my younger and more reckless days (pre-9/11), when repercussions were the sort of thing you worried about after the fact, if you worried about them at all. If I was caught, I don’t know that I would have been arrested – I might have – but I’m sure I would have been fined at the least. At any rate, it didn’t matter because they accepted my “nothing to declare” with a wave-through, and my friends and I spent the next couple days wasted.
Jill’s Answers
List five (5) things you have done that other people probably have not done.
1. I drank melting ice atop Mendenhall Glacier, a twelve-mile-long block of ice located near Juneau, Alaska. It was the freshest water I have ever tasted, and I’d like to return someday before the glacier is gone, if only so I can taste it again.
2. When I was in my twenties I had sex on a play structure at a local park. It was after dark, the park was pretty much deserted, and there was probably very little chance of being seen by someone passing by, but if the police had noticed us and decided to come see what we, two adults, were doing atop a play structure, we might have been in trouble. Fortunately, we didn’t get caught and the risk we were taking made this an experience I will never forget. This isn’t the only time that I have ever had sex in public, but it is probably the only time that I had sex in an area intended primarily for children, unless you count the time that I did it at a Toys ‘R’ Us.
3. I saw Sha Na Na in concert. It depresses me to think that most of the people who read this probably have no idea what Sha Na Na is.
4. I have visited Disneyland at least once a year for more than two decades.
5. For fifty-two consecutive weeks in 2010, Jack and I submitted photos to The Other Half-Nekkid Thursday. This is more my thing than Jack’s, since the pictures were of me and not him. It was exciting to bare my body and my soul, and the positive, sometimes very enthusiastic comments people left make me proud to visit the site and look at myself.
List five (5) things you have not done that other people probably have done.
1. I’ve always wanted to go to New York, but I never have. I’ve traveled the world extensively, especially throughout Europe, but the one place I want to go more than any other is New York. A few years ago Jack went to the East Coast to follow AC/DC on tour, and because of my work schedule I couldn’t join him. Plus it was a guy’s trip and I wasn’t invited anyway. While I envied him for all the fun he was having, I wished I could have flown out to meet him at least while he was in New York. Now we are parents, and traveling is more difficult. But it’s on my bucket list.
2. I’ve never broken a bone. Maybe this is less common today, when kids are encouraged to stay inside and watch TV or play video games, but when I was a kid I was very active, constantly getting into the sort of scrapes that children were expected to. Today I am a teacher, and if a student comes into class with the amount of cuts and bruises that I had all the time, I am supposed to discretely ask the child how he or she got them.
3. I’ve never lived in more than one state. Despite my travels, I have always been a California girl, and I’m not sure that this will ever change, nor that I would want it to. Despite the fact that the cost of living here is astronomical, California is my home.
4. I’ve been working since age sixteen and have probably held twenty-five different jobs. While I’ve left jobs for a variety of reasons, it was always my choice to do so. I have never been fired.
5. I’ve never enjoyed sushi. I’ve eaten it on many different occasions, usually when invited out with friends or a mixed group of people, and I’ve just never liked it. I know it’s not the sushi, as I’ve eaten it at higher-end restaurants and bars, not just crappy low-class places where the staff don’t use quality ingredients or wash their hands. Literally every time I’ve eaten sushi I’ve been sick afterwards.
Bonus: What is the oddest thing that you’ve ever seen?
In the area where Jack and I currently live, which includes the city where I grew up, there is a woman who wanders the streets wearing only a T-shirt that barely reaches her ass, and a pair of hospital booties. Now, I know that this probably sounds incredibly sexy to many of you, especially given the fact that this is literally all she wears (no panties), but it’s unfortunately not as hot as you may be thinking. She’s been a familiar sight for probably ten years or more, and the fact that she lives on the street has obviously taken its toll on her. I assume that she’s been picked up for indecent exposure (as well as for psychiatric evaluation), but for whatever reason when she is released she immediately goes back to wearing her usual outfit.
Bonus, Bonus: What is the oddest, kinkiest, or craziest thing you have ever done?
Oddest: This is going to sound like a cop-out, but I can’t think of anything odd. I wish I had something to share, especially after reading Jack’s weird childhood quirk. But I wouldn’t want to share anything that weird. It sounds like someone had a touch of OCD.
Kinkiest: Masturbating for the viewing pleasure of our friends.
Craziest: The play structure incident described above, as well as the manual-masturbation-on-a-plane incident. As I get older, I still appreciate the thrill of inadvertent (or deliberate) exhibitionism, though now that I am a parent it seems much riskier.